Chris Rodell's Blog, page 44
December 28, 2016
Retards, pyramids of faggots & how meanings change
(672 words)
It was about a month ago when our 5th grader asked me to assist with vocabulary words.
She needed to add to a list of words that began with “re-.”
My list included “refine,” “repeat,” “return,” and a few other standard mundanities.
Then I shocked her with a word she’d been instructed was bad, bad, bad. I could tell by her reaction the word was way worse than the ones
It was about a month ago when our 5th grader asked me to assist with vocabulary words.
She needed to add to a list of words that began with “re-.”
My list included “refine,” “repeat,” “return,” and a few other standard mundanities.
Then I shocked her with a word she’d been instructed was bad, bad, bad. I could tell by her reaction the word was way worse than the ones
December 27, 2016
Boxed wine for Mom on Boxing Day
(702 words)
All I know about Boxing Day I learned from a 1981 episode of M*A*S*H that featured Col. Potter swapping duties with Corp. Klinger, an idea based on what was said to be a British military tradition.
I don’t know whether tradition has anything to do with boxed wines, but my Mom needed wine so I figured getting her another box of Peter Vella’s White Zinfandel on Boxing Day
All I know about Boxing Day I learned from a 1981 episode of M*A*S*H that featured Col. Potter swapping duties with Corp. Klinger, an idea based on what was said to be a British military tradition.
I don’t know whether tradition has anything to do with boxed wines, but my Mom needed wine so I figured getting her another box of Peter Vella’s White Zinfandel on Boxing Day
December 24, 2016
And so this is Christmas (Part II); War is NOT over (from '14)
(691 words)
Because “The Hundred Years’ War” lasted from 1337 through 1453, I’m proposing historians rename it either “The 116 Years War” or “The Most Inaccurately Named War.”
Didn’t anyone on either side say after about 70 or 80 years they should just title it “The War No One Will Remember Because it Just Sort of Ended in a Confusing Draw War?”
I mention all this because I saw an
Because “The Hundred Years’ War” lasted from 1337 through 1453, I’m proposing historians rename it either “The 116 Years War” or “The Most Inaccurately Named War.”
Didn’t anyone on either side say after about 70 or 80 years they should just title it “The War No One Will Remember Because it Just Sort of Ended in a Confusing Draw War?”
I mention all this because I saw an
December 23, 2016
These are a few of my favorite (Christmas) things
(608 words)
I always puzzle over how “The Sound of Music,” a movie that has more to do with Nazis than either Christ or Santa, became a Christmas staple. It offends the part of me that seeks a life of logic. But that part of me is puny compared to the sentimental part of me that every year enjoys watching “The Sound of Music” at Christmas.
So these are a few of my favorite Christmas
I always puzzle over how “The Sound of Music,” a movie that has more to do with Nazis than either Christ or Santa, became a Christmas staple. It offends the part of me that seeks a life of logic. But that part of me is puny compared to the sentimental part of me that every year enjoys watching “The Sound of Music” at Christmas.
So these are a few of my favorite Christmas
December 21, 2016
Thinking of becoming a seasonal atheist
(517 words)
Holiday stresses have me thinking of drastic remedies to the crazy crush of Christmas.
I’m thinking of becoming a seasonal atheist.
That would solve a lot of problems
The idea occurred to me Monday as I was in line waiting for Christmas stamps behind about 15 other post office strangers. Like me, everyone seemed in a stressed-out, dreary mope.
I didn’t survey the
Holiday stresses have me thinking of drastic remedies to the crazy crush of Christmas.
I’m thinking of becoming a seasonal atheist.
That would solve a lot of problems
The idea occurred to me Monday as I was in line waiting for Christmas stamps behind about 15 other post office strangers. Like me, everyone seemed in a stressed-out, dreary mope.
I didn’t survey the
December 16, 2016
Of poinsettias and penis bones
This post came within a whisker of being headlined, “Has anybody seen my penis bone?”
But I calculated the comment section would soon become engorged with snide remarks, some of which would include words like engorged.
So this morning I’m being pulled in two directions: Penis bones and poinsettias.
I have none of the one and about 50 of the other.
Care to guess which is which?
But I calculated the comment section would soon become engorged with snide remarks, some of which would include words like engorged.
So this morning I’m being pulled in two directions: Penis bones and poinsettias.
I have none of the one and about 50 of the other.
Care to guess which is which?
December 15, 2016
The lies we all long to hear (from '09)
This happened exactly just the way I wrote it. Only took me about 30 minutes to write back in '09. I was so pleased with it I chose to include it as one of 33 essays in the "Crayons!" book.
I had my stand-offish Sunday morning face on. I hadn’t showered and didn’t want any human interaction other than that six or so words I’d exchange with the clerk where I buy gas.
I finished pumping,
I had my stand-offish Sunday morning face on. I hadn’t showered and didn’t want any human interaction other than that six or so words I’d exchange with the clerk where I buy gas.
I finished pumping,
A blog on reruns (not the character)
(540 words)
I’ve always believed writing a near-daily blog is like exotic butterfly collecting but with fewer tangible results.
It’s a very soulful recreation.
In one way it’s mind hookie, a mental jail break from anything that’s troubling me.
In another way, it reveals a surprising mental discipline from a man far too self-deprecating to acknowledge.
But, damn, the blog is
I’ve always believed writing a near-daily blog is like exotic butterfly collecting but with fewer tangible results.
It’s a very soulful recreation.
In one way it’s mind hookie, a mental jail break from anything that’s troubling me.
In another way, it reveals a surprising mental discipline from a man far too self-deprecating to acknowledge.
But, damn, the blog is
December 14, 2016
The forecast calls for beard
(556 words)
I’m reluctant to grow my seasonal beard because it always makes my face look like an armpit with a yapping mouth in the middle.
It’s scraggly. Disheveled. Patchy. My beard is destined to look like the rest of me looks when I wake up hungover.
Yet grow it I must, appearances be damned.
Monday was the beard forecast.
Regular readers know what that means. The five-day
I’m reluctant to grow my seasonal beard because it always makes my face look like an armpit with a yapping mouth in the middle.
It’s scraggly. Disheveled. Patchy. My beard is destined to look like the rest of me looks when I wake up hungover.
Yet grow it I must, appearances be damned.
Monday was the beard forecast.
Regular readers know what that means. The five-day
December 13, 2016
Real trees, fake news & Trump. Really
(515 words)
The girls dismissed each candidate with discriminating scowls. One was “too fat.” Another “too ugly.” One reject was dismissed for looking “really stupid.”
What is it about selecting the family Christmas tree that turns my otherwise sweet daughters into Donald Trump at a beauty pageant?
When it comes to Christmas trees, they insist on perfection.
With fathers, not
The girls dismissed each candidate with discriminating scowls. One was “too fat.” Another “too ugly.” One reject was dismissed for looking “really stupid.”
What is it about selecting the family Christmas tree that turns my otherwise sweet daughters into Donald Trump at a beauty pageant?
When it comes to Christmas trees, they insist on perfection.
With fathers, not
