Roma Khetarpal's Blog, page 29

How can I manage to meet all of my children’s needs at once?

Continuing our guest post series, Elizabeth, whom you met in last week’s post, continued to fret over having enough time and emotional energy to meet the needs of a kindergartner, a two year old, and a newborn. Knowing that quality time is something that builds connection and trust, she was worried that the immediate demands of a newborn would make it difficult to spend uninterrupted time with her older daughters. Happily, she found reassurance in The “Perfect” Parent, specifically the portion entitled “Take Five”.

Take five minutes a day and dedicate it to nothing–literally, no-thing! Tell your child that you will be doing this every day with him or her. For five minutes, sit in your backyard, on your doorstep, by a potted plant on a windowsill–anyplace where you can see nature. Then relax and take your mind off of the rest of your day. This is your one-on-one time with your child, a time when you consciously put away your busy-ness. If you’re a pregnant parent, you, too, could (and should) spend five minutes a day with your hands on your tummy, taking deep breaths and just relaxing. If you have more than one child, then make it five minutes per day per child. Have no agenda on your mind, no topics to discuss. If you have something you want to talk about with your child, keep it for another time. This time is meant to be empty, filled only with no-thing.

If need be, tell your child that you’re going to hang out with him or her and just rest. Just sit with your child, put your arm around him, hold her hand, tell him you love him, or ask her how her day was. Do whatever comes naturally to you.

From Elizabeth: “Well, I can certainly find five minutes for each of my girls! And doing nothing with them will benefit me too–it is way too easy to get caught up in all the things that need to be done during the day and forget to simply be. The perfect time of the day for this will be different for each child, which is another way to make it special. Thanks again, Roma!”

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Advice from The “Perfect” Parent

Today’s blog post comes from TOG friend Elizabeth. A mother of two, she is expecting her third daughter any day now. Feeling nervous about adjusting to life with three young children, she turned to Roma for advice and found solace in The “Perfect” Parent, specifically this passage.

Affirmations serve as easy reminders when we’ve started to drift away from our intentions. Repeated affirmations also strengthen our communication habits. And yes, it does take a little practice, but the good feeling and confidence that follow are well worth the small effort. Even though there are suggested affirmation reminders at the end of each chapter and in the toolbox at the end of this book, feel free to use your own words to write your own affirmations; they are most powerful when they reflect your natural style of speech. Let your affirmations reflect your own personality.

In fact, your entire parenting personality might be different from that of other parents. Even siblings brought up by the same parents may ave different parenting styles. And that’s okay. Remind yourself that you are “perfect” just the way you are. Our parenting personalities are as unique and perfect as a thumbprint. Why? Because we are as unique as our thumbprints, and so our are kids.

From Elizabeth: My affirmations for this new stage in our family is “Things will be different, but still full of love.” and “All I need to do is what works for us.” Knowing that I don’t need to live up to some idealized version of parenthood, but simply be responsive and in touch with MY children is such a relief. It takes away a lot of anxiety and stress (which no pregnant woman needs!) and gives me a feeling of security and capability. Thank you Roma!

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In honor of Dr. Shefali’s Lifeclass appearance…

http://toolsofgrowth.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/My-Child-1.mp4

Our dear friend Dr. Shefali will be appearing on Oprah’s Lifeclass again this Sunday, September 28th at 9pm EST. In honor of Dr. Shefali’s message, we prepared this short video. Please take a look and share with your friends!

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Dr. Shefali and Mindfulness

We talk a lot about being mindful and how that translates to being a mindful parent. But what exactly does that look like on a day to day basis? Is it possible to constantly be mindful?

Our dear friend Dr. Shefali answered this question on her Facebook page:

I answer: “First, take away all illusions that I am able to be mindful all day long. I am just like you. I lose it all the time. The only difference perhaps is that I have a firm and clear path back from the chaos into stillness. I have paved that road well and my errant mind knows its way back to awareness well. This journey back becomes faster each day. So the task before us is not so much to focus on “not losing it” but instead, on paving the path back to awareness.”

“So how do we pave this path?” I am asked.

“The first step is to remove all delusions of narcissistic grandeur that you are beneath falling off the wagon. Once you take away the stigma of falling off, then you can be brutally honest with yourself when you do. This requires brutal self-inspection. No corners to hide.”

“How can I start this in the moment?”

“When is the last time you were able to look in the mirror and admit to yourself: “I was not being kind to my child?” We may feel ashamed to admit this little realizing that it is in this admission that we break ground and pave the path for greater kindness, greater awareness and greater freedom for our children. There is not a day that doesn’t pass that I say to myself, “you were not being compassionate, Shefali, you didn’t have to speak in that tone, or you were being dogmatic Shefali, you didn’t have to be so harsh, so controlling, so rigid, so inexpressive of your love.” I constantly speak to myself all day long – not in a self-shaming way, but in a way a Zen master might whack his student monks into alertness and greater vigilance. I “whack” my deviant mind all day long. Whack, whack, whack – with love, with compassion and with non judgment – but a whack nonetheless. This is how I bring myself into alignment daily and raise my consciousness towards a higher plane.”

“So I must start speaking to myself?”

“Yes, but the words need to be of your enlightened self. A self that doesn’t get stuck when you are unconscious and shame and guilt you but instead understands that this is normal. The self then nudges us gently back to awareness.”

 

Our lessons:

We will make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. The key is to recognize those mistakes and begin “paving the path back to awareness”.
Understand that making mistakes is not worth shame and guilt. Admitting the mistakes opens “the path for greater kindness, greater awareness and greater freedom for our children.”
Allow your enlightened self to speak to you and nudge you “gently back to awareness.”

 

No wonder we are such big fans of Dr. Shefali’s work! Please follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and watch her on Oprah’s Lifeclass on OWNTV Sunday, Sept. 21st and Sept. 28th at 9pm EST!

The most valuable lesson you can teach your children…

 

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Talking to Your Kids about September 11th

September 11th, 2014 marks the 13th anniversary of the World Trade Center & Pentagon attacks. For many young parents, their children were either very young or not yet born at the time of the attacks. However, it is still important to talk with our children about honoring this day–even if it is to just give context to snippets they hear from other sources.

The 9/11 Memorial website offers tips for talking to your children:

Actively listen to your children (including paying attention to whether they want to talk or not);
Let the child guide the conversation and use basic age-appropriate facts to answer any questions your child;
Be honest about not having all the answers and explore the topic together to engage your child.

Additionally, the memorial site stresses monitoring both your own emotions and tv/media sources during this time. It is okay to feel however you feel and in fact, dealing with your own difficult emotions “offers them a model in their own difficult conversations and will help engender a safe, trusting environment.”

If your child has specific concerns about an incident happening in the future, you can address the worry with information about how things have changed since 9/11 (for instance, stronger airport security). Additionally, you can talk about what your family emergency plan is, which gives your child both power and knowledge. This is a good tactic to take whenever a child learns of a traumatic or violent event. Simply knowing that, in an emergency, they are to stay at school until a trusted adult comes, can help alleviate any anxiety your child feels. PBS Parents has more tips on talking to your child about news events.

Dealing with difficult and confusing events is, unfortunately, a part of life that we cannot completely shield our children from. However, allowing them to discuss their fears and express their feelings helps them navigate through new and unfamiliar emotions. In this way, by being emotionally intelligent ourselves we can teach our children how be emotionally intelligent as well.

Photo by idovermani on Flickr

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The “Perfect” Parent Sneak Peak

Roma Khetarpal’s first book The “Perfect” Parent won’t be released until October 1st, but we have a sneak peak for you!

“It is my intention, through this book, to empower you with these all-important communication habits. All you have to do is uncover them, recognize them, understand them, and apply them to build on your current parenting practice, making them your very own. The first three steps–uncovering, recognizing, and understanding these habits–will come naturally as you read this book. Applying them, however, calls for your commitment.

The fact is our children want us to be approachable. They are most comfortable and familiar with us, their parents. If we make being approachable a habit from their youngest years, reaching out to us will be second nature to them. And the icing on the cake is that we will have showed them, by example, how to be approachable themselves.

When our words and actions say, I’m here for you, it strengthens our child’s trust in us. And trust is the crown jewel in building a long-term relationship with our kids. Trust lies at the core of the unconditional love that all parents have for their children. Trust showcases the selfless love that often goes unexpressed.

With Approachable Parenting, it is now time to plant the very first seed–the one that will grow a garden of trust and eradicate the weeds of guilt.”

Ready to find out more about what that first seed of Approachable Parenting is? Pre-order your copy of The “Perfect” Parent and check out our upcoming events tab and our media archive!

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Tantrums? Why You Should Be “Dealing with the Feeling”

A good friend of mine, a Mom to a beautiful two year old, recently moved into a new home. The anxiety of loan approvals, walk throughs, packing, remodeling, and unpacking is in full swing. Princess’s response? Throwing food, hitting, hearing but refusing to listen, and open forum public meltdowns! “How can we not lose our cool? How do we stay consistent when we are not in the comfort of our own home?” asked this concerned mom.

I’m a big advocate of approaching issues with an educated and intellectual approach through understanding. That always helps put things in perspective. Putting things in perspective is what ushers in patience to handle situations. But when parental emotions are flying all over the place, it is challenging to engage the intellect to participate. Emotions always roadblock understanding. If we don’t address the emotions, the intellect and understanding will not kick in. Period.

Here is a great TOG that can help turn a communication breakdown into a communication breakthrough!

So, step ONE:

Dealing with the Feeling — this is a two-parter. Spot it and say it.

1. Spot the feeling that YOU are feeling and say it out loud. “I am frustrated!” “I am annoyed!” “I am angry!”

2. Okay it: Tell yourself that you have good reason to feel the way you are feeling. Feelings are what they are; they are neither right, nor wrong. All feelings are acceptable. By doing this, you are not fighting with the feelings, but accepting them. You would be amazed at how putting feelings in perspective helps you, the parent, completely relax.

Think of what happens when your brain is bouncing from place to place, name to name, scanning to remember the name of a familiar face you just saw at the grocery store. It can bug us for hours.

“What was her name again? How do I know her? I can’t figure it out!” This can go on for hours and sometimes days. And then, VOILA! The minute you remember the name, your mind frame changes. Why? Because there is a disconnected link in the brain that is trying to identify this person while agitating feelings.

Similarly, spotting and saying (identifying or naming) feelings and then okaying them (validating them) helps you first put your feelings in perspective so that you can think intelligently and with understanding and patience.

Step TWO:

Dealing with your child’s feeling: Spot it, Say it and Okay it.

1. Spot it, Say it: In this case we are dealing with a two-year-old.

a: Let’s assume that you already know the benefits of Emotional Intelligence and have been building your child’s emotional vocabulary. This really puts you at an advantage to walk him or her through those feelings: “Can you tell me what you’re feeling?” or “Are you angry?” Your child’s tantrum is simply a cry for help to identify the feelings. If your child does not have an emotional vocabulary, then you will have a tantrum on your hands 100% of the time. If your child does have an emotional vocabulary, then the tantrums will get cut down by half! Words help us make sense of things. Naming feeling with words helps us identify them, and recognizing them helps calm down the emotions. Now when you are moving to okay-ing their feelings with acknowledgement like “I understand how you are feeling. I would be angry too,” you have validated and respected those feelings. This is empathy at its very best, which is a huge driver of communication between parents and children.

b. Let’s assume that your child does not have an emotional vocabulary. In this case, walk your child through his or her own emotions: “I can see you’re angry or sad or mad,” and see if there’s a response. If your child does not respond and the tantrum continues, it is purely because he or she is unable to express the feelngs. In order to put tantrums in perspective, it is a must that parents put in the time and effort to raise emotionally intelligent children.

New research indicates that Emotional Intelligence (EI) enhances a child’s social and emotional skills, which is a determining factor of a child’s academic and social success. But in the mean time, you will just have to let the tantrum pass. But when timing is right, you MUST practice “dealing with feeling” to minimize the tantrums. Take the time to explore EI building products and toys on the market for children  and see what will work best for your child. You will see a little bit of effort and practice will take you a long way toward building good communication habits early on.

New research is even pointing to the fact that “terrible two’s” are a misnomer. Children at 20 months go through a big growth spurt where they are starting to understand their own individuality and their place in the world. They are beginning to explore their inner dependence, their in-dependence. The first big steps of walking and talking (or saying words) independently is their declaration of independence. As they explore this independence, they are also reminded of boundaries by their parents. “No” becomes our most commonly used word. Does it not seem a little daunting to be them all of a sudden? They see the playground and other children at the park. They have experienced how fun that can be. Yet, as they gaze out of their car seats wishing and asking to go the park, their little brains cannot put into perspective that now is not the appropriate time to visit the park. Cue the tantrum.

This is step THREE if you are able to calm the child’s feelings down and step TWO if not:

Think with Empathy: As you calm your own emotions and put your best foot forward to calm theirs, understand their perspective; understand their age, phase, and stage of development and ability to understand. Think about the situation at hand with empathy and resolve the situation with empathy. When parents help children validate or okay their feelings, that is empathy, too. And there is no better way to teach your child empathy than by teaching by example.

Also remember to be empathetic with your own phase and stage of life. If you are moving, chances are that you are burning the candle at both ends in which case, do not pressure yourself or your child into stellar behavior and responses. When busy-ness is the need of the hour, know that it is a new and unexpected chain of events for the family; emotions are bound to flare up. Be okay with it. I’m not saying expect it. But when they show up, be prepared to accommodate for them by simply taking some time out or just allowing them to work out the emotions. Taking five deep breaths and drinking water can definitely calm the pace and the emotions, which will also buy you some time to think things through. The key is to respond instead of to react.

As for public meltdowns among strangers: don’t worry what others think or say. If you are at a grocery store, chances are you won’t see those people ever again anyway. And if you’re among friends, know that EVERY parent has been through this many times over and that they understand. And if they are making you feel bad, find new friends to hang out with and/or deal with your own feelings and you will be able to handle theirs! Remember, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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“This year, when I’m right, I’ll…”

Parents are right most of the time. Actually, let me rephrase that: Parents are right, A LOT! And when you’re right, which variation of the following do you say?: 1. “See! I told you..” 2. “If only you’d listen…” 3. “You think you know everything…” What’s more is that when we’re right, our tone of voice changes; it gets sort of “commanding,” if you will. I used to purse my lips, fold my arms, pop my eyes, and move my eyebrows up and down with my, “I told you so..” face. What is it about being right that makes us God-like? When we are right, we feel we have the right to condemn and shun others, like Cinderella’s evil stepsisters. I noticed that when I was right, my God complex lasted a while and sometimes even a few hours. One fine day, I heard Dr. Wayne Dyer, Father of Motivation, say, “Practice being kind, especially when you’re right.” Then I had to put it into practice! I decided that when I was right, I would make a conscious effort to be kind, FIRST. It didn’t happen right away and I slipped a few times. But eventually, it became a habit. The Conclusion: Because of it, I am a kinder person overall! I must be right a lot!  Just kidding. Seriously, make this your mantra and you’ll get introduced to a kinder version of you like I did! Besides, your kids will love it and you can encourage them to follow as well! Kids see, kids do!

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Top Three Rules for Effective Discipline

I was asked by another parent what my top three ground rules to discipline were. Without ANY brainstorming, this is what popped and topped my list. 

1. Know that you are in charge:

How? Make it very clear that you will decide the consequences. Be aware that after a certain age, children know their parents’ weaknesses and start to bargain. Put all else aside and honor your position! 

Why? Children need structure in their lives. Claiming your lead role makes you dependable. It lets your children know that they can rely on you for guidance, which is a huge TRUST booster.

2. When you’re right, be kind:

How? Pay attention to your tone of voice. When we are right, we tend to be far from kind; our tone of voice changes. When we are angry, we tend to be loud. When we are right we tend to be condescending. When a mistake is repeated, we tend to get sarcastic. And absolutely no foul words… ever!!

Why? Parenthood is directorship, not a dictatorship. When kids make mistakes, they are about to learn something new. Your words and tone of voice can either shut them down and take you farther from getting the point across or help you cruise constructively through issues. Work it to your and their advantage. Lead by example because this is your chance to teach them how to bounce back from mistakes and earn their respect and once again, their TRUST.

3. Always give your child the benefit of the doubt:

How? Allow them to explain their side of the story especially if you KNOW that they were wrong. Breathe and just listen.

Why? This helps them put the event into words and more often than not, a huge emotional release will follow, which is ultra helpful in resolving issues. It is also a great way to practice self reflection and self realization, both big milestones for internal growth. Most importantly, it builds TRUST, the foundation of good communication and effective parenting. 

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Raising Children… Expensive or Expansive?

On a recent vacation, my husband was having a conversation with a fellow passenger about how “expensive” it is to raise a child. Another gentleman listening in to their conversation joined in and the three had a merry old talk about the never ending costs involved in parenthood.

I had also recently read some articles on the same subject that were a by-product of a report recently released by The Department of Agriculture. Again The Department of AGRICULTURE! Firstly (although not most importantly), the definition of agriculture as defined by The Oxford Dictionary is: “the science or practice of farming, including cultivation of the soil for the growing of crops and the rearing of animals to provide food, wool, and other products” So how the Department of AGRICULTURE got assigned to this job, I have no idea! But that’s not what I’m here to discuss. Anyway, below are the excerpts of the articles that I read:

“If you sat down to tally up the total cost of having children, you’d never have them,” says Timothy Knotts, a father of four and a certified financial planner with The Hogan-Knotts Financial Group in Red Bank N.J. “It’s a very expensive adventure.” CNBC, The inflation of Life – Cost of Raising a Child.

“Now there’s an official price tag for parenthood: The U.S. Department of Agriculture has calculated that it costs $234,900 on average to raise a child, not including college costs.” – The Washington Post., The Cost of Raising Kids.

“In today’s dollars, the estimated cost of raising a kid in a middle-income household for 17 years is now $227,000.” The Business Insider, The Surging Costs of Raising a Child.

What I want to know is why everyone is calculating how “expensive” it is to raise kids and NO ONE is discussing how “expansive” it is to raise kids? While the average cost of raising a child from birth to 18 has been guestimated at $230,000 (approx.), what is the rate of return? What is the interest that we, the parents, have accumulated during the process? How has the experience of parenthood helped us grow and expand as human beings? What value have our children added to our lives? How have they refined our personalities? Has being parents not taught us more patience, more empathy, more compassion, more kindness? Have we not learnt from them, while we taught them? Have they not taught us how to laugh and love unconditionally? Have they not taught us to think and act and hence be more patient?  Does a parent ever say that the “the most amazing moment of my life was when my boss gave me a raise and I started making a million dollars a year” or do we say “the most amazing moment of my life was when my children were born?” Have they not helped us evolve and not just be better parents but be better human beings? Have they not brought life-defining experiences to our existence?

What could be more expansive than that? How come NO ONE can put a dollar amount on that? I know the answer (as I’m sure you do too!): because there is none! THE BENEFITS TO PARENTHOOD ARE PRICELESS.

Spending our time and brain power on making more money and determining the “expenses” of life is definitely more detrimental to our health and well-being than spending that effort calculating how much joy, gratification and love parenthood brings… AND there is research to prove it!

I’m just saying! What do you think?

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