Marc Chernoff's Blog, page 61

20 Things to Remember When Rejection Hurts

(NEW BOOK ALERT: This post is a direct excerpt from the Self-Love & Self-Worth section of our forthcoming book, “1000 Little Habits of Happy, Successful Relationships“.)

Be OK with walking away. Rejection teaches you how to reject what’s not right for you.

As you look back on your life, you will realize that many of the times you thought you were being rejected by someone or from something you wanted, you were in fact being redirected to someone or something you needed.

Seeing this when you’re in the midst of feeling rejected, however, is quite tough. I know because I’ve been there.

As soon as someone critiques, criticizes, and pushes you away – as soon as you are rejected—you find yourself thinking, “Well, that proves once again that I’m not worthy.” What you need to realize is, the other person or situation is not worthy of you and your particular journey.

Rejection is necessary medicine; it teaches you how to reject relationships and opportunities that aren’t going to work, so that you can find the right ones that will. It doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough; it just means someone else failed to notice what you have to offer. Which means you now have more time to improve yourself and explore your options.

Will you be bitter for a moment? Absolutely. Hurt? Of course—you’re human. There isn’t a soul on this planet that doesn’t feel a small fraction of their heart break at the realization of rejection. For a short time afterward, you will ask yourself every question you can think of:

What did I do wrong?Why didn’t they care about me?How come?

But then you have to let your emotions fuel you in a positive way! This is the important part. Let your feelings of rejection drive you, feed you, and inspire one heck of a powerful opening to the next chapter of your story.

Honestly, if you constantly feel like someone is not treating you with respect, check (more…)

10 Things You Do NOT Need to Be Happier in Life

Saying yes to happiness means learning to say no to the desires that drain you.

They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for. I don’t think anything could be closer to the truth, and yet all too often we find ways of complicating things for ourselves. We look for happiness where it does not exist – in shallow goals and desires – in possessions, quick thrills, and impressing the wrong people.

Angel and I were recently reminded of this when we met a family of six staying at a hotel in near our home. We saw them hanging around outside the lobby, sharing stories and laughing hysterically. As we walked by, Angel and I said hello to them and asked where they were from. “Oh, we’re from here,” the mother said. “Our house burned down to the ground yesterday, but miraculously, all of us made it out safely. And that makes today a day worth smiling about.”

Talk about a wake-up call. Some people might say they had lost everything, and yet this family knew better – they knew they had it all. Because there really is nothing like joyful tears and deep breaths after a long, hard laugh with the people you love – nothing in the whole world like a sore stomach for the right reasons and a grateful heart to back it up. That’s a situation where true happiness is surely found.

And there are many other sources of true happiness as well. But as I’ve said, there are also lots of common traps – goals and desires that we think will bring us happiness, but actually do the exact opposite. Recognizing these traps is the key. In fact, I believe one of the best feelings comes when you realize that you can be perfectly happy without the things you once thought you needed.

With this in mind, consider the ten goals and desires (traps) below and how they may be holding you back. Each of them is popular in our culture, and thus common in our lives, but rather than contributing to our happiness, they rob us of it. (more…)

10 Things to Remember About Toxic Family Members

(NEW BOOK ALERT: This post is a direct excerpt from the Children & Family section of our forthcoming book, “1000 Little Habits of Happy, Successful Relationships“.)

Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Sometimes, however, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.

Letting go of (or breaking up with) a toxic friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend is one thing, and there’s plenty of advice out there for doing so, but what about letting go of a toxic family member?

Most of us are not in a position to just walk away, nor do we feel that we want to, or that it’s the right thing to do. So what do we do when a family member is literally spoiling our lives with their toxicity? How do we deal with our feelings of obligation, confusion, betrayal, and heartache?

First and foremost, you must accept the fact that not everyone’s family is healthy or available for them to lean on, to call on, or to go home to. Not every family tie is built on the premise of mutual respect, love and support. Sometimes “family” simply means that you share a bloodline. That’s all. Some family members build us up, and some break us down. So just because someone is blood-related to you, doesn’t automatically make them the healthiest influence in your life.

Second, you must understand that a toxic family member may be going through a difficult stage in their lives. They may be ill, chronically worried, or lacking what they need in terms of love and emotional support. Such people need to be listened to, supported, and cared for (although whatever the cause of their troubles, you may still need to protect yourself from their toxic behavior at times).

The key thing to keep in mind is that every case of dealing with a toxic family member is a little different, but in any and every case, there are some universal principles we need to remember, for our own sake: (more…)

20 Things to Stop Letting People Do to You (Setting Boundaries in Relationships 101)

Be with those who bring out the best in you, not the stress in you.

This past Saturday, while Angel and I were enjoying a safe and peaceful backyard barbecue at our friend Sara’s house, her 16-year-old foster child, Cody, received an unexpected visit from his biological mother – a woman who has been in and out of prison and rehab her whole life. Although Sara was a bit hesitant about it, she let Cody and his mother talk privately on the front porch. We occasionally eavesdropped from the living room window just to make sure everything was okay.

Cody’s mother was extremely rough around the edges and almost immediately started bringing up hurtful memories from the past. About 20 minutes into the conversation, she told him, “I see your anger, and I just wish I could go back in time and raise you again, to change who you are and give you a better upbringing.” Sara was about to walk out onto the porch to interject when Cody calmly replied, “I’m not angry. I’m perfectly fine, thank you. I’m proud of who I am. Maybe you should go even further back in time and change who you are instead.” And then he walked his mother to the front steps of the porch and politely asked her to leave.

Cody’s response impressed me on so many levels. It takes a lot of courage, especially at 16 years of age, with a rough upbringing, to tactfully stand up for yourself. And he handled himself with grace.

So, whenever you’re dealing with a difficult or hostile person, remember how Cody handled himself. Take a stand! Set some boundaries! This is your life. You may not be able to control all the things people do to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. You can decide not to let their actions and opinions invade your heart and mind. And above all, you can decide whom to walk beside into tomorrow, and whom to leave behind today.

It’s time to… (more…)

9 Good Signs You’re in the Right Relationship

(NEW BOOK ALERT: This post is a direct excerpt from the Boundaries & Expectations section of our forthcoming book, “1000 Little Habits of Happy, Successful Relationships“.)

It’s not always where you are in life, but who you have by your side that matters.

“How do I know if I’m in the right relationship or not?”

This is one of the most common questions our coaching clients ask us. And after Marc and I listen to the specifics of their situation, we often toss a question back at them to further clarify their thoughts and expectations. For instance:

“What do you think a “right relationship” should provide for the people in it?”

Although the answer here is obviously subjective, in all relationships, romantic and platonic alike, there are some clear signs that things are going well. So today, let’s take a look at some signs you’re in the “right relationship,” along with corresponding tips that could potentially help you make a “wrong relationship” right:

1. No games are being played.

Far too often, we make our relationships harder than they have to be. The difficulties started when… conversations became texting, feelings became subliminal, sex became a game, the word “love” fell out of context, trust faded as honesty waned, insecurities became a way of living, jealously became a habit, being hurt started to feel natural, and running away from it all became our solution. Stop running! Face these issues, fix the problems, communicate, appreciate, forgive and LOVE the people in your life who deserve it. And of course, if you feel like someone is playing games with you, speak up and establish some boundaries.

2. Everyone is on the same page.

If a woman starts out all casual with a man and (more…)

40 Regrets You Don’t Want to Have in 40 Years

“Time was passing like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be on… I hope you never have to think about anything as much as I think about you.”
— Jonathan Safran Foer

In the final decade of his life, my grandfather woke up every single day at 7AM, picked a fresh wild flower on his morning walk, and took it to my grandmother.  One morning, I decided to go with him to see her.  And as he placed the flower on her gravestone, he looked up at me and said, “I just wish I had picked her a fresh flower every morning when she was alive.  She really would have loved that.”

As you can imagine, my grandfather’s words touched a nerve in me.  And over the years I’ve often reflected on what he said that morning, and how his sentiment relates to everyone and everything I care about.  God willing, in 40 years when I’m in the midst of my 80’s, I don’t want to sit with needless regrets.  I don’t want to wish I had done things differently – especially something as simple, yet meaningful, as picking wild flowers for the love of my life.  Don’t you agree?

Regardless of your age or where you are in life right now, perhaps you will generally resonate with my thoughts here – some things I don’t want to regret down the road… (more…)

11 Easy Ways to Uncomplicate Your Life

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”
— Clare Boothe Luce

Let’s start off here with a simple question:

What does your perfect day look and feel like?

Visualizing your perfect day is important not necessarily because it will be a recurring reality, but because it’s crucial to understand what a simple life — or an “uncomplicated life” — really means to you. And it’s different for everyone — for me, it means practicing my morning gratitude meditation, quiet writing and reading time, a few fours of focused time with our coaching clients, and doing something memorable with Marc and our son, Mac. For others, it’s a long morning walk, afternoon yoga, a productive day in the home office, and a hot bath before bed. And for others, it’s simply lots of time to focus on an important life goal, while still leaving enough time to get a good night’s rest.

Take a few moments now to visualize what a “perfect day” means to you.

Then shift your focus and consider all the miscellaneous, needless nonsense you get involved in on a daily basis, both mentally and physically, that goes against your “perfect day” philosophy.

Again, we can all agree that life is NOT perfect, and surely there are very necessary, hard things that must be handled every day. But there’s still a lot of mental and physical energy spent on matters that don’t deserve our time and attention.

Truth be told, the average day is actually pretty simple, but we insist on making it complicated.  Let’s break the cycle!  Here are a few easy ways to gradually uncomplicate your life — and yes, it’s a GRADUAL process, because it’s easy to change your life one tiny step at a time: (more…)

20 Tough Truths About Life No One Wants to Admit Right Now

We all struggle.  We all suffer on the inside.  Every day…

We worry.
We procrastinate.
We feel overwhelmed.
We feel angry.
We feel lonely.
We don’t feel good enough.
We wish we were more fit.
We wish we had more money.
We wish our jobs were different.
We wish our relationships were different.
We think post-COVID life should be ‘back to normal’ again.

And yet, every one of these struggles is self-created.  They are real, but they are only real because we have created them in our minds.  We have attached ourselves to certain ideals and fantasies about how life has to be right now in order to be good enough for us.

We worry because things might not turn out how we expect.  We procrastinate because we fear discomfort and failure.  We feel overwhelmed because we think we should be further along than we are.  We feel angry because life should not be this way.  And so it goes.

But again, it’s in our heads.

And it doesn’t have to be this way.  At least not for YOU.

You can (more…)

7 Mantras that Will Stop You from Taking Things Personally

Don’t let the drama of today bring you down.  Keep calm when stress or negativity surrounds you.  Breathe, and let calmness be your superpower.  The ability to not overreact or take things personally always gives you the upper hand.

Remind yourself that people are toxic to be around when they believe everything happening around them is a direct assault on them, or is in some way all about them.

It’s the truth.  Let it sink in…

What people say and do to you is much more about them, than you.  People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, wounds and experiences.  Whether people think you’re amazing or believe you’re the worst, again, is more about them and how they view the world.

Now, I’m not suggesting we should be self-indulged narcissists and ignore all the opinions and commentary we receive from others.  I’m simply saying that incredible amounts of hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives come directly from our tendency to take things personally.  In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinions of you, and to operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.

The underlying key is to…

Watch Your Response

When something stressful happens in a social situation, (more…)

10 Things to Remember When Everything You Want is Out of Reach

Doubt your doubts before you doubt your hope.

That’s the super-short version of my advice for those moments when nothing seems to be going as planned in the days and weeks ahead—when everything you want seems out of reach.

Yes, just be right where you are, with an open mind.

Let go of what you think your life is supposed to look like and sincerely appreciate it for everything that it is.

Easier said than done of course, especially when tragedy strikes.  And although Marc and I have coped and grown through our fair share of real tragedies (including the recent pandemic), let’s be honest about something: 98% of the time we create tragedy in our daily lives out of fairly minor incidents.  Something doesn’t go exactly as planned, but rather than learn from the experience, we freak out about it and let stress become us.

My challenge for you today is (more…)