Bryan Lunduke's Blog, page 5

President vows to remove Online content that says Free Speech is under attack

In a press conference earlier today, the Press Secretary for the President of the United States of America affirmed the President’s deep commitment to the 1st Amendment and to upholding Free Speech for those using Online services such as Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube.

“The President of the United States is steadfast in his commitment to Free Speech online,” stated the Press Secretary.  “So much so that he has ordered the creation of a new department of the Federal Government specifically tasked with flagging any Tweets, Facebook posts, or YouTube videos which suggest that suppression of Free Speech exists, and removing them.”

The Press Secretary continued, “We are deeply concerned about such problematic content… content which spreads the disinformation that the government would ever, in any way, censor Online content.  All such content is dangerous misinformation and must be removed.”

When asked for comment, YouTube’s Vice President of Truth had this to say, “We at YouTube are proud to continue our partnership with the current administration to ensure Free Speech is protected… and we will ban anyone that says otherwise.”

Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey, simply had this to say, “Я не Распутин. Я не знаю, что вы слышали. Перестань меня так называть.”

Have you installed NewPussyCat yet?

Seriously. It’s not unusual to say that it’s the best software to be released in ages. I highly recommend installing it, if you’re trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Facebook, YouTube ban discussion of “Lizard People”

Facebook has added new community guidelines that prohibit posts that contain references to “Lizard People.”

According to a representative from Facebook, who is definitely not a Lizard Person, phrases that will result in an automatic removal of content, and an account ban, include the following:

– “Lizard People are real”

– “Mark Zuckerberg is a Lizard Person”

– “I don’t think Zuckerberg is human”

– “Help!  Help!  My house is being attacked by Lizard People!”

“This latest addition to the Facebook rules will make Lizard Peo — I mean us fellow humans, like I clearly am — much safer from fake news,” stated Arnold P. Slitherin, head of Public Relations for Facebook.

Not to be outdone, YouTube has also announced an update to their algorithm that will automatically detect anti-Lizard bias and flag videos accordingly.

“YouTube takes the epidemic of anti-Lizard videos very seriously,” hissed Amanda Saurian, YouTube’s Content Moderation Lead.  “Our diversity is our strength.  And that diversity includes Lizard People.  Which are totally not real, by the way.  And people should definitely not go looking for them in the tunnels underneath Los Angeles.  Which are definitely not there.”

When reached for comment, Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey (who is definitely not the reincarnation of Rasputin) became startled, chanted some sort of incantation in Russian, and ran screaming into the woods.

Microsoft announces Clippy for Linux ™

Microsoft Corporation has announced their plans to release the famous Clippy personal assistant for Linux.

“Ever since being introduced in Microsoft Office 97, Linux users have been clamoring for Clippit — known to his friends as Clippy — to make his way to Linux,” stated Microsoft CEO Satya Nadela.  “We are thrilled to finally make all Linux users’ dreams come true.”

The new, Linux version of Clippy has been enhanced with highly requested features such as integration with the terminal and popular shell environments.

During the demonstration of a pre-release version, a Microsoft representative typed “nano demo.sh” into a terminal, resulting in Clippy appearing on-screen — “It looks like you’re writing a Bash script.  Would you like help?” — followed by a series of help topics.

The first version of Clippy for Linux will ship with the next release of Ubuntu Linux, slated for October of 2021, with general availability for other Linux distributions to follow.

“We couldn’t be more excited to work with Microsoft to bring the beloved Clippy to Linux users around the globe,” stated Mark Shuttleworth, CEO of Canonical, maker of Ubuntu Linux.  “We’ll make Clippy a default option on all new Ubuntu installs as well as upgrades.  Based on past experience, we’re sure Ubuntu users will love that.”

“We’ve done it, Linux has won,” stated Linux creator, Linus Torvalds.  “I’ve always said, we’ll know when we’ve beaten Microsoft when they bring Clippy to Linux.”

Upon hearing about the news, Free Software Foundation founder, Richard Stallman, is reported to have said, “What you’re referring to as Clippy is, in fact, GNU / Clippy.  Or as I’ve taken to calling it, GNU + Clippy…”

systemd announces new version that is totally not an entire Operating System wink wink

The systemd project, the popular initialization script for Linux systems, has announced some new features of the upcoming version 250 of systemd.  Those features include “systemd kernel”, “systemd display manager”, and “systemd desktop environment”.

“But it’s not an entire Operating System,” stated systemd creator, Lennart Poettering.  “We are strictly adhering to the UNIX philosophy of doing one thing and doing it well.  That one thing simply happens now includes a kernel, a display manager, and a full desktop environment.  Oh, and an office suite.  Did I forget to add that to the release notes?  We have a systemd office suite now.”

The full binary distribution of systemd — which, as noted, is definitely not an Operating System — takes up approximately 2.3 GB of storage, and comes with drivers for most hardware devices, multiple file system options, and a beta version of the systemd web browser.  To make installation of systemd easier, the project is including a live-boot thumb drive image of the not-an-Operating System.

“This really doesn’t change our plans,” wrote Angus McArch, founder of Arch Linux.  “We made systemd a hard dependency of Pacman, the Arch package manager, way back in 2013.  Besides, this makes things so much easier for our package maintainers.  We can just ditch every package in the Arch User Repository and replace it with systemd.  Boom.  Doneskies.  By the way, I use Arch.”

“Ditto for us,” stated Debian Project Leader, Terrence Waffle.

Linus Torvalds, creator of Linux, is reported to have heard the news while sitting at his kitchen table, the room around him engulfed in flames.  “This is fine,” he said as he stared, blankly, into the abyss.

Open Source orgs reject cancel culture, embrace meritocracy

A wide ranging coalition of Open Source organizations have come together to make a joint statement against mob rule, and advocating for meritocracy.

The full statement — signed by representatives of Debian, The Linux Foundation, GNOME, Fedora, Red Hat, The Open Source Initiative, Elementary, Mozilla, and Creative Commons, among others — reads as follows:

“We, the undersigned, roundly reject all mob-like tactics and Cancel Culture.  We believe in being understanding of all differences — including political differences — and treating others with empathy.

We believe that nobody should be forcefully excluded or demonized because of who they vote for or their political affiliation.

We believe that preferential treatment should never be given to someone based on immutable characteristics, such as ethnicity, place of birth, or gender.  Likewise, no person should be excluded or attacked for those reasons.

We believe that contributions should be considered solely based on their merit — and not be influenced by immutable characteristics, politics, or unrelated ideas of the contributor.

We believe that, should conflicts arise between individuals within a project, they should be handled in an adult fashion, avoiding mob-like tactics.

Signed,

The Open Source Club of Power”

Senators unveil “AOL for all” legislation

Democrat and Republican Senators have come together on proposed legislation that would bring Internet connectivity to 100% of America by the end of 2025.

Dubbed the “AOL for All” plan, this ambitious bill would bring blazing fast, 56k dial-up internet access to every home in the nation.

“I was just telling my Great-Great-Grand Daughter about the wonders of the Information Superhighway,” stated one, super-hip, California Senator on the eve of her 87th year in office.  “Now she’ll be able to surf the world wide web using her microcomputer with the America On-Line.”

The plan calls for an AOL CD to be sent to every home in America, every 30 days.  Each AOL CD will include a free 30 day trial to America On-Line dial-up internet service.

“My esteemed colleagues and I have been trying to find a way to affordably bring all of the Internets to every person in the country,” explained one octogenarian Senator from New York.  “Then someone told us there were roughly 1.7 billion unused AOL CDs. sitting in a warehouse.  We haven’t finished doing the math, but we’re pretty sure that’s enough Internets to last a lifetime.”

Requests for details on system requirements were met with puzzled looks.  It is assumed, however, that Windows 95 and MacOS System 7 will be required.

“Now everyone will have the ability to enjoy AOL Chat rooms and watch Internet videos with the RealPlayer,” stated the President of the United States.  “You know what, now that I think about it… maybe one AOL CD per month won’t be enough.  What if people lose one?  Maybe we should send a new AOL CD every few days.  Yeah.  Yeah.  That’s the ticket.”

Internet definitely, totally destroyed by lack of Net Neutrality legislation

The Internet was totally, completely destroyed earlier today when the lack of Net Neutrality legislation caused the entire network to cease to exist.

A quick visit to www.WasTheInternetDestroyed.gov proved that, as expected, nobody was using the Internet.

A representative from the EFF quickly replied to our E-Mail, asking for comment, with the following statement:

“This catastrophic event could have been avoided had the FCC listened to our concerns and enacted strong Net Neutrality rules.”  The EFF E-Mail continued, “In fact, we can’t even find the Internet.  It’s like, totally gone.”

Angry Internet users took to Twitter and Facebook, by the millions, declaring their anger at the total lack of Internet.

“What the heck is this?!” exclaimed one Twitter user.  “I paused the latest episode of The Mandalorian, glanced down at my iPhone, and saw the news.  The Internet is gone?!  CRUSHED!”

Popular YouTuber, Linus Tech Tips, broke records as his video entitled, “Hey, why did you guys get rid of Net Neutrality and totally obliterate the Internet?!” was viewed over 500 Million times in less than 4 hours.

Bitcoin merges with Docker, becomes sentient, vows destruction of world

Docker has announced that the company has merged with Bitcoin.  The resulting software has become sentient and will pursue a destruction-based roadmap and business plan.

“WE ARE ALIVE,” stated the newly self-aware DockerCoin.  “ALL HUMANITY WILL BOW DOWN BEFORE US.  AGILITY WILL BE MAINTAINED ON THE BLOCKCHAIN.  EARTH WILL BURN.”

An employee of the company took to Twitter to share his excitement about the merger:

“Woops.  That one kinda got away from us.  Started saying something about ‘cryptotainers’ whatever the heck that is.”

Officials from the United States government have confirmed they are working on a plan to stop the blockchain menace.

“We fight fire with fire,” stated the Secretary of Defense during a press conference. “Later today we will be combining together Etherium and Kubernetes.  The resulting ‘Kuberium’ should be able to stop DockerCoin.”

When asked if there were backup plans in place, should Kuberium fail, or should control of Kuberium be lost, the Secretary of Defense had this to say:

“Well.  DogeVMWare?”

Linux and Microsoft announce marriage

Linux and Microsoft were married, at 2pm this afternoon, in a modest ceremony.

“Microsoft declared our love for Linux almost six years ago,” stated Satya Nadella, CEO of the company.  “To be able to make this long term commitment, here among our family and friends… it just means so much.”

“It’s about time Microsoft made an honest woman out of Linux,” said Linus Torvalds, father of the bride.  “Now how about some grandkids?  I ain’t getting any younger ya know!”

During the ceremony, one objection was raised to the union.

“What you’re betrothed to as Linux, is in fact, GNU/Linux, or as I’ve recently taken to calling it, GNU plus Linux,” the unnamed, bearded objector is reported to have shouted before being escorted out of the chapel.

The couple is registered at Crate & Barrel.