Chris Van Hakes's Blog, page 8

Three French Hens

This is going to be in my new line of greeting cards

My Ten Favorite Authors of the Year

I was going to list my favorite books of the year, but I have way, way more than ten, and some authors I just like them so much and yet I didn’t want them on the list twice (or in Rainbow Rowell’s case, three times), so instead of my favorite books of the year, I’m telling you my favorite authors I read this year.

(This is in random number order, except for #1, which is absolutely my #1).

10. Laini Taylor

I read this novel in February and am still thinking about it. I read the sequel but I think I must have been going through something because I literally remember nothing about it, so I will have to reread it and report back.

9. Cheryl Strayed

Strayed can make every extraordinary experience completely ordinary, which sounds like an insult, but which is the exact opposite: everyone is exactly the same, no matter what she is going through, and we can all relate to one another. That’s what she does with her writing, and it’s thrilling and heartbreaking.

8. Martha Beck

I am not ashamed to admit that I have read every single one of her columns in O Magazine that can be found online. I just love how she makes every single thing so completely possible, and I love that she believes in everyone’s Wildly Improbable Goals. She’s also quite clever and funny.

7. Meg Wolitzer

I am finishing this novel right now, and it’s the only thing by her I’ve ever read, but it’s wonderful. It reminds me a lot of Prep, which is one of my favorite novels ever, and yet it’s a lot different, too. I certainly can’t relate to any of the characters on a personal level (I couldn’t with Prep either), but I love how Wolitzer gives me access to a completely different time and society and actually makes me care about what happens to these pretentious, sometimes spoiled, sometimes downright evil, people. It also asks the question that Sheryl Sandberg talks about–about opting in instead of opting out–and what that kind of life looks like.

6. Maria Semple

A bit of a copout because I tried to read her first novel, This One is Mine, and I only got about three pages in before it was due back at the library, and then I never sought it out again. Still, Bernadette is so fun, the most fun I’ve had with a book all year, so I had to include Semple.

5. Rainbow Rowell

She is groovy. All her novels are great, and I waffle between liking Attachments and Eleanor & Park more, but today I vote Eleanor & Park. I really liked Fangirl, but not like the other two.

4. Chad Harbach

This remains my favorite novel of the year. If you are a Melville fan, I highly recommend this novel.

3. Samantha Young

Did you think I was going to forget to include contemporary romance authors? Absolutely not! Young’s novels are fun, so so fun. I like them all, and I shall be a fan for life.

2. Marian Keyes

You’ve heard me talk about her enough lately, right? Yeah. She’s great.

1. Jeffrey Eugenides

I just absolutely love this man’s writing, and he deserves every single award he ever gets. I read Middlesex this year as well, and I’d previously read The Virgin Suicides, and I liked them both, but there was something about Marriage Plot that just made it click for me: oh, this guy is a genius. Right.

 

Say Nice Things

In the spirit of the holidays, and because I am broken and feel bad being snarky, I thought it would be a fun exercise for all of us to say nice things about people we don’t like.

I’ll go first!

You did just count to five, Rick Santorum! Good job!

 

You have really blonde hair, Gwyneth!

 

My….brain….is….cracking.

 

KERPLOW.

 

Your turn! Maybe you want to tell me how Glenn Beck is really good at writing on whiteboards? Or how Perez Hilton is a really great person if you can’t read or see or interpret anything? Shoot for the stars!

A Failure Of A Human Being

I wrote two posts for today, both of which I have trashed. Trashed. Because…this is a horrible thing I’m about to admit, and I hope you don’t hate me after this, but…I find that it’s no fun to make fun of people any longer.

Wait, that came out wrong. It’s LOTS of fun to make fun of people, but then I start getting twingy with regret later. Like, oh, Zooey Deschanel has feelings too. And I actually like her now! (Not the formal shorts, though.)

I even found myself empathizing with Jonathan Franzen after reading this article.

I just don’t know who I am anymore. Someone who understands multiple perspectives? The next thing I know, I’m going to be complimenting Gwyneth Paltrow’s recipe for a BLT as ingenious.

Hopefully I’ll find something ridiculous to write about for tomorrow. Until then, I’m quite fond of this article I wrote on holiday cards (psst, it’s not really about holiday cards), and oh, also, my book is 99 cents today on Kindle.

I Had A Fever Dream About Zooey Deschanel and Feminism

Zooey Deschanel fertility drug! What are you doing here? I’m not trying to get pregnant.

It’s been really cold. So, yeah. Pants.

 

I’m sorry. What did you just say?

 

Sure. That makes sense. So…uh….what can I do for you?

 

Happy Holidays, Zooey! Good luck on New Girl. Winston is really great on that show. Maybe you could get some clothes for Cece. Also, what kind of Indian name is Cece? It makes no sense. 

 

How Shalini Got Her Groove Back

 

Also, CrossFit. HA HA HA HA HA HA no.

Unicorn and SSRI Come For A Pep Talk

 

 

Unicorn of Happiness! SSRI of Happiness! Hi guys! It’s just that…well….I don’t know how to say this.

 

I was watching a Lowe’s commercial the other day, and all the men in it were really hot. All of a sudden I’m an old lady who finds silver foxes hot.

 

That’s not the only thing. I got a neighbor’s magazine by accident, and I thought it was a toy catalogue.

 

It wasn’t a toy catalogue. I just thought that because of the kids on the cover. It was an US Weekly, showing the hottest guys of the year. I don’t even know who they were! I’m so old! Before I know it I’m going to be putting “the” in front of words that don’t need “the” in front of them, like my mom does. Like, oh, did you enjoy The One Direction boy band, sweetie? What about The Glee? Do you watch The Glee?

I have so much left to do. I wanted to be like Bill Watterson, but my Calvin and Hobbes aren’t nearly as good as his. I mean, you’re antidepressants and a unicorn. Why couldn’t I have at least imagined a Pegasus? At least those guys can FLY. What can my Hobbes Unicorn do? Poke things? Mate with a rhinoceros?

 

I’ll grab my copy of Tiny Beautiful Things and the box wine. You put on the Lowe’s ad. We’ll get through this together.

 

 

Lovely Links and More Texts From Josie

(Title lovingly co-opted from Sally.)

I’m covered in dust from a home improvement project, my current book has the word “McRib” in it unironically, and my drawing pen died, so you get this stuff instead.

I posted the link in the comments section of my Catching Fire post already, but it’s worth a repeat: The Onion Reviews Catching Fire

Aldi is Trader Joe’s! MIND BLOWN.

Bananas are 74% water. Human babies are 75% water. Huh.

Listen, I know this GIF is so last week, but I can’t stop watching it. 

And speaking of things I watch on repeat, which I’ve shared on twitter already, but who cares, is still awesome: sad cat diary and ask your doctor about tacos.

The Chemistry of Cookies? Sure.

Everything on Archie McPhee’s tumblr is the coolest thing you will ever see, which is a trick in and of itself, no?

Also, this is not a link, but I watched the Miley Cyrus Wrecking Ball video and it just made me feel old. So old. Then I watched the Icona Pop video for “I Love It” and I felt better about everything that has ever happened ever.

***

Very, Very Inappropriate Texts from Josie:

Her, 11:52: Dropping off a load at the library, then headed to the theater.

…

Her, 11:53: A load of books, I mean.

 

Her: Book idea — Francis Pontifex: Pope Detective

Me: You’re ridiculous…ly awesome.

Her: I thought Vampire Hunter would be too obvious.

Me: He already does that, right?

Her: Of course. He’s why vampires only exist in fiction nowadays!

Her: My friend took it a step further: sidekick would be an undercover nun. Nundercover! Her habit is solving crime!

Me: Oh ho ho. Though Nundercover would be a great name for chastity belts, too.

 

 

Books I Liked in November + Book Giveaway

I actually read 14 books in November, and I have four to recommend to you. It’s my own fault, because I am always looking for the perfect romance novel, and I almost never find it. There’s a lot of bonking I have to endure to get there. (That didn’t come out right.) Ah well. Anyway….

This is How by Augusten Burroughs

 

This is not a typical Burroughs affair. It’s not memoir and it’s not funny. It’s non-self-help self-help, and it’s entirely, completely captivating. It is rough and honest, and I didn’t always agree with what he said, but I could not deny that he was brilliant in the way he said it. The man is very talented.

That said, if you’re looking for something Running with Scissors-esque, you will not find it here. (PS I did not like Running with Scissors, but I might place this book in my top 10 nonfiction reads ever.)

I listened to the audiobook, read by Burroughs himself, and my house was very clean that week because I kept thinking of things to do so I could listen to more of the book. My toilets sparkled.

 

The Other Side of the Story by Marian Keyes

More Marian Keyes, Shalini? Yes. Two of my favorite ladies (Carryn and Mo) both recommended this novel. I liked it even better than Sushi for Beginners, but it might also be because it’s about publishing, and I identified with a lot of it, too.  The story is told from three different women’s perspectives. Keyes does a good job differentiating voice with all three, but I only liked two of the women. The third woman, Gemma, was whiny, and unfortunately her story starts the novel. I recommend getting past the first Gemma section, and then the book is pretty great.

Also, Keyes is so, so good at making couples that just fit together perfectly. They’re not necessarily attractive to everyone, but they’re completely right for each other. I wouldn’t be surprised if Rainbow Rowell was a Keyes fan.

 

Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

Okay, there were parts of this that I didn’t love, because it was a little too corporate-speak-ish, but for the most part, this was very helpful and inspiring and interesting, and a quick read. I’m a fan of Brown’s TED talks, so I knew what I was getting into. I recommend watching one of them, and if you like that, you’ll like this. It’s that stuff, but more in-depth. It’s very helpful for overcoming personal obstacles.

 

Real by Katy Evans

I’m not sure whether or not to recommend this novel. I mean, I really loved the first half. Like, I  immediately engaged in the story line on page one, and it kept a fast pace for the first half of the novel. It was a lot of bonking after that. Are you a fan of reading about bonking? Then you’ll probably like the second half more than me. I am a fan of romantic tension, and the first half of this book has that in SPADES, which is why it’s here, being recommended.

Okay, if you want one of these, leave a comment and let me know which one. Happy December! (How is it December? I don’t understand how time keeps speeding up.)