Chris Van Hakes's Blog, page 7

Outfit of the Day

Don’t be jealous, but our local bum asked me out, probably because of this outfit. He may have also called me “Mary Tyler Moore lady.” Those sweet talking alcoholic diabetics with gangreney toes. They get me every time with their words.

(Yes, I took a photo of myself in the bathtub. Several. This is the only one that made the cut. I’m trying to get better at photography, remember? I figured since I’m still talentless, I’d distract you with quirk. I have a lot of quirk. That’s why my hair is wavy. All that quirk. I’m working on stealing some talent. Coming soon!)

Gonna Have to Curb Their Calvin & Hobbes Reading

On the airplane

“Why does Keshi get two armrests and I only get one? No fair!”

“You’re going to have to share the one in between you two, okay?”

a few minutes later 

“1, 2, 3, 4. Switch! 1, 2, 3, 4. Switch! 1, 2, 3, 4. Switch!”

“Uh, what are you two doing?” They continue to count and move their arms on and off the armrest between them.

“We’re sharing the armrest. Like you said.”

 

After I hurt my back

“I feel a hundred years old.”

“You mean you feel like you’ve lived a long life and beat the odds and feel incredibly lucky?”

“…”

 

Nativity play

They do not get their oddness from me. It’s all their father. Who dressed up as the Baby Jesus in our family Nativity play. The baby Jesus is an environmentalist and wears cloth diapers. FYI.

Photo Credit: Jack Pabis (What’s Jack’s URL?)

I was the cow/narrator. Double threat. One of my nieces was the well-known, Biblical sea turtle that traveled to visit the newborn Jesus (lower right, sea turtles sometimes get stage fright and hang with the three kings, one of which wears a giant polka dot green onesie).

(He might divorce me for posting this. We shall see!)

Outfit of the Day

I got these boots last week, and I wasn’t sure I could pull them off. But I am totally pulling them off. I feel very Ted Mosby circa Not This Season Dear God Or Last Season Either in them. I even wrote about them on Instagram. I said, “When you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start right now. That’s how I feel about these boots.”

The rest of the outfit was put together in the “it’s on the top of the pile! I’m late! Go!” way. I think I did okay. I feel a little bit like this is how I would dress if I woke up and discovered for the very first time that I had breasts. Or if my husband dressed me.

Also, please don’t tell my mom that I wore black tights with a brown skirt with red boots. She already thinks I dress like a hobo. Or a Hobbit. I’m not sure. I wasn’t quite listening.

Books I Liked in December & Book Giveaway

This month’s Books I Liked is sponsored by Grammarly, which means you have to read it here so I don’t get kicked outta my ad network. Sorry. (The book giveaway is still sponsored by me. It will always be sponsored by me. And, today, by my cold.)

I use Grammarly’s plagiarism checker because of a cute and funny reason that I’m going to tell you about…Because I’m a librarian! That’s why! And librarians are cute and funny! And because I’m clearly winning at sponsored posts, y’all. I might also use Grammarly’s plagiarism checker because the unemployment rate is a lie, at 6.7% today, so help a girl out and read the rest of this post here.

 

Outfit of the Day

Cataloguing library books and then writing a little in New Novel, and then volunteering to teach kids art history today. Not a bad life. Except for the part where I don’t know how to take photos. Yeah.

Top: Boden; Skirt: J. Crew; Tights: Target; Belt: H&M; Shoes: Dansko

On Changing My Mind

 

This just in: Cats! They’re cute!

“I feel like the world is going to explode. I can’t believe this happened to me.”

“I know,” he said. “I know.”

“You don’t understand. It’s like black is white and inside is outside. Cats are dogs! Turtles are fish! Republicans are Democrats are Libertarians are that really confusing guy who ran for VP!”

“Joe Lieberman?”

“Yes. The world is Joe Lieberman! Nothing makes sense! I mean, nothing.”

“…”

“THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.”

“…”

We were talking, in bed, of course, about Jonathan Franzen. Like you do. (We’ve been married for thirteen years. It’s not Fifty Shades of Grey over here*. I mean, except when I’m writing scenes with Hispanic people and I try very hard to make them sound like Speedy Gonzales. (Don’t worry, I know that Hispanic people don’t sound like Speedy.) (Indian people, however, sound exactly like Apu.) (Fun fact: did you know Gregg and I met because he came into my convenience store? He was the Squishy Lady!))

I read Freedom over my Christmas holidays and while I can’t say I’m an enthusiastic fan, I would reluctantly recommend the book to you. Kind of. THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.

Life has basically no purpose.

On the upside, it turns out I was also wrong about cats. Hey Internet, hot tip: they’re cute. Next I’m going to start talking about how my diet is changing my life.

HA.

(So maybe I still have a little bit of a purpose in life after all.)

Outfit of the Day

Best boots ever.

2014 Resolutions

I admit it: I fucking love resolutions. Here’s my list for 2014.

1. Make my house prettier. I did a frame cluster that I’ve been meaning to do for YEARS and I smile every time I look at it.

 

2. Run more. I feel way closer to sane when I run. I’m not saying I feel sane, just closer to sane. That was a popular 90s song, FYI. Theme song to Party of Five. Don’t talk to me if you don’t know what Party of Five is. Fine, I only watched one episode ever, because someone told me Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs were mesmerizing.  They were, but not enough to watch Party of Five for a long time, so you can talk to me. 

3. Read better books. Yo, I read a LOT of crap last year. I need to stop going for the quick-fix and go for the thinky and witty stuff. Yes, thinky. Am genius. Shut up.

4. Write two more books. Hope they are both awesomely fantastically good.

5. Sell a shit ton of my books.

6. Document more outfits. I dress way cuter when you all are looking at me. Like so:

Definitely my favorite of 2013.

7. Learn to take photos. For serious. It is about time.

7a.

This is my most recent photographic masterpiece:

8. Learn to not give a fuck what people think and live the biggest life I can. I’m already on a pretty good road for that, as 2013 kicked my ass into gear for this.

8a. Let go of the assholes. As Dr. Brene Brown says, I don’t need to have jerks like me. I’m not an asshole whisperer.

9. Eat less cheese. For serious. It is about time.

10. Just kidding on 9. I make that resolution every year and I ring in the New Year every year with a big hunk of triple cream. Ain’t never gonna happen, but I need to put one improbability in there, right?

11. Laugh more. Make lots and lots of jokes in order to accommodate this.

11a. Learn how to spell “accommodate” on the first try. Check! One resolution down, motherfuckers!

12. Swear a lot. Like, a lot. (This is in here to make me feel successful in case none of the others come to fruition. Motherfucker.)

12a. Except when working with children, which I do sometimes. Not then. I hope. (Motherfucker.)

12b. Start a swear jar for the motherfucking children who swear too much.

13. Do motherfucking good things for people who need it when I can.

13a. Perhaps by donating motherfucking swear jar proceeds to the needy.

14. Remember to be grateful for all of you and my motherfucking life as much as possible.

I think you should all do these resolutions with me. Not your resolutions, mine. Because mine are better than yours. What? You don’t agree? You’re an ASSHOLE. I’M NOT AN ASSHOLE WHISPERER.

Already off to a motherfucking great start.

Happy Holidayum I need a break

I absolutely thrive on routines, on doing the exact same thing every day and every week, which is why I post here every day. I like the consistency of doing something every day (I also eat lunch every day!).

But the holidays are making me a tiny bit more crazy than my baseline crazy, and along with a little medication mix-up where HA HA HA I didn’t take any of my anti-anxiety/anti-depressants for a few days, I’m…I need a little break. Don’t worry, you can still spam comment me about your Rolex watches and your Viagra and your sex toys and I will happily read those! I just won’t be on twitter or facebook or email or here for a few weeks. I’m going to post outfit photos on my tumblr (simply for brain health reasons), so you won’t miss me TOO TOO MUCH.

Happy New Year, Internet Lovelies, and I stand by what I said earlier: may 2014 be less fucked up!

 

T. Rex Trying

I wish I could explain my family to you, but you wouldn’t believe me. Instead, please observe the following photos, in which each member pretended to eat dinner as if he were a T. Rex, as proof that I am the least crazy one of the bunch. (It’s a sliding scale.)