Chris Van Hakes's Blog, page 9

Happy Holidays From Us To You

 

Dear You,

I was going to send a holiday card this year, but I couldn’t even pretend I had a family photo worthy of sending out to dozens of you, so this will have to do. It’s a resemblance that we’d prefer anyhow, and in case you’re wondering if Gregg is Chewbacca because he’s the tallest, the answer is no. I’m Chewbacca, because my beard is almost the same as Chewie’s in real life.

2013 was one of those years where, if we are lucky enough to be together and alive and with functioning memories without experiencing a Zombie Apocalypse in thirty years, we shall fondly remember being totally and completely fucked over. We’ll sit in our wicker rocking chairs smoking our corn cob pipes, stroking our chin hairs fondly remembering, and I’ll say, “Remember getting totally fucked over in 2013? Like Insert Inappropriate Child Molestation Joke here?”

And Gregg will be like, “Oh yeah. Let’s burn that year to the ground. Also, I’m not sure you’re allowed to make that Inappropriate Child Molestation Joke. Maybe go with Racist Brown People one?” And I’ll nod in agreement, sighing happily in the biodome because the air is toxic in 2043 and will burn our skin.

That will be our fond, fond memory of 2013, until the robots come in and unplug us for the night.

So, that’s one of the reasons I didn’t go all festive and shit through the US Postal Service this year, and also because my relatives don’t appreciate my swearing nearly as much as I think they should.

But also because 2013 was the year that I remembered that the Zombie Apocalypse (capitalized for mysterious unknown reasons) hasn’t yet happened, and we’re not yet experiencing The Matrix, and so we remembered the most important thing: we lived. We’re like phoenixes rising from the ashes! Except much, much less dramatically and without actually burning or turning into birds.

We’re alive. Sure, Sachin knocked out three of his teeth on a playground and looked like a pint-sized MMA fighter for a few weeks. Sure, we all got lice not once but twice. Sure, my and Gregg’s career paths looked like they were going to take a turn into a Ricky Gervais joke that no one laughs at and everyone finds gratingly uncomfortable. Sure, we almost broke our entire family up, ended up in weekly therapy, our dog almost died and we gave up some very big dreams. But we also published a book (Lost and Found by Chris Van Hakes, available at all major retailers! Buy it now because it makes a great holiday gift or doorstop! Marketing marketing marketing!), got the privilege of not getting divorced (thirteen years running!), our dog got on life-saving medication and he’s still crankily alive and just a little bit hairier than me, and we’re relatively happy and healthy and safe and lucky. Sachin’s still toothless, though, and we still scratch our heads a lot.

So what more can we say? We’re damned lucky to be us, and we’re damned lucky that you’re still here with us, being our friend or family (not that you have a choice about the latter, sorry we’re not sorry about that, you asshole) (KIDDING! Everyone knows you’re the darling of the family and no one ever talks about how much they dread family parties because of you).

We’ll totally watch your back when the zombies come and eat your brains. I mean, we won’t do anything, because are you serious? They’re zombies, and the strategy of the Zombie Apocalypse is to get turned into a zombie as fast as possible. Everyone knows that. So we won’t do anything, but we’ll totally watch your back while you get eaten.

Happy Holidays, and may 2014 be a little less fucked up.

Love,

Shalini & Family

 

Pride and Prejudice and Hipsters: Part Four

Everything Seems Inspirational When…

Team Peeta or Team Gale?

I know I said I was taking a little vacation, but Catching Fire and Peeta and Gale have me all riled up.

Team Peeta or Team Gale? Hmm, I think Gale should take off his shirt so we can assess more accurately. Also his pants.

Real Life Mr. Darcy Does Movember, Of Course

 

And happy Thanksgiving, my lovely American friends. I hope it’s full of joy and cranberry sauce. See you Monday. MWAH.

Pride and Prejudice and Hipsters: Part Three

Pride and Prejudice and Hipsters: Part Two

Pride and Prejudice and Hipsters: Part One

How My Imagination Renders: Sam Donaldson

My friend Ted emailed me and said, “Everyone knows what Cokie Roberts looks like! It’s like drawing a picture of what you imagine Sam Donaldson looks like.”

I wrote back, “I didn’t know what Cokie Roberts looked like! Sam Donaldson looks like an eagle.”

Ted wrote, “Sam Donaldson looks like a Vulcan.”

I said, “Sam Donaldson, in fact, looks like Cruella DeVille.”

 

 

Things I Learned About Myself From Chickens (#4)