Chris Van Hakes's Blog, page 5

An Open Letter to Everyone Who Thinks I’m Unemployed

Dear Neighbor Pointing and Giving Me Pity Eyes;

I know you think my life is sad, walking my dog at 11AM in the morning, but I’m on a mid-morning work break, and the dog is old and totally needs the walk. I swear, I’m not unemployed. I have two jobs. I’m a librarian and a writer. Sorry, an author.

Three if you count being a mother, which we’re doing now because we’re feminists and raising kids is yo, totally hard work. Just ask that lady from The Hours. Actually, I didn’t watch The Hours, or read the book, but I totally got the gist from that one YouTube clip. Four if you count messing around on the Internet. (What’s that? No one counts that? Okay, then back to three.)

And I know it seems like I’m not working, walking my dog, but I’m thinking about the next plot point in my novel, which, bee-tee-dubs, is going to be great. It’s going to be like Kierkegaard meets Faulkner meets The Hours. Actually, that sounds totally terrible, but you get the idea. It’s going to be great.

Besides, I’m not the one who uses “literally” all the time, like, “literally, I am looking at these kids and laughing!” I know you’re literally looking at the kids and laughing, because I’m standing right next to you, and I can see you. Literally. You don’t need to use the word “literally.” Ever. It’s the word “figuratively” that could be used. Like, “I have the worst headache in the world right now…figuratively, because I haven’t surveyed all the world’s occupants to find out if my headache is the worst, and besides, pain is subjective and complex.” That’s what you mean. We don’t need you to point out the literal. The literal is point-out-able already, because it is literal.

And listen, mister, just because I don’t make that much money doesn’t mean my jobs aren’t important. Think about the children whose minds I nurture, being a librarian and a mother. The children are our future!

Excuse me? Your pity eyes are because I stepped in something? You said, “What’s that doo?”, not, “What’s that you do?” and then you pointed to my shoe, which I thought was some kind of degrading salute you created from reading too many post-apocalyptic novels, but was really just you pointing to the poo on my shoe? 

Oh, okay then. Thanks. I’ll scrape it off before I go inside.

So, The Hours is really good, huh? Literally, I had no idea.

XO,

Shalini

Why, Hello There!

This photo has nothing to do with this post, except that this morning on the way to school I was telling Keshi how much I loved him and how cute he was, and he told me to “please stop” before anyone saw us. This is my retribution, K. MOM POWER FOREVER. You have nothing to fear but fear itself, and your mother.

So! Hi! Hiiii! I have almost nothing to report, but whenever I catch up with people, I realize: I never have anything to report. So it shall be today on ye olde blog, just reporting the little nothings of the month for now.

Here are the things I do not have to report:

1. I wrote 30,000 words in January, if any of you would like to donate to RAINN, like I mentioned in a post previous to this one, which I am not linking to because I don’t feel like it this second. I did not run at all. I’ve been doing yoga, because apparently now I’m a hippie and did I tell you about this new hemp purse I got and kumbaya?

2. I am sending cookies to people. There are many dozens of you, so this may take me all year, but I WILL SEND THEM. I will. If you’ve asked, you’ll just get a lovely melty surprise in the mail, in, say, July. You can still email me and request cookies, any time. I would LOVE to send them to you. It is a great gift for me to be able to do this.

3. My new book is coming along! Finally! I think I shall have it out in April-ish. Unless it is May-ish. It is another romance novel, if you like that sort of thing. If not, carry on, non-romance-novel reader! We shall never speak of it again!

3b. My current book has been doing so well because of you and all those readers out there, so can I just say thank you? Thank you. You are making it possible for me to contribute to my household financially through writing, which is a really big deal. So, thank you. You’re wonderful. Your support and kindness means the world to me and my family.

4. I have decided, for now, because of my panicky-ness about various things that I will not bore you with, to not buy any more clothes except from consignment and thrift stores (minus the beloved Big Lady Panties. I will never give you up, six packs of Hanes Her Way. They can take away my freedom, but they’ll never take away my underwear that hits my ribs. Never!). I feel surprisingly not panicky about this. I have not bought a cheap Target shirt in….at least a week! Let’s see how long I can make it before succumbing to the Boden catalogue in the mail. (Curse you and your cute boatneck sweaters, Boden. Curse you to the moon!)

5. Every Monday, lovely retired people in my neighborhood make sandwiches for homeless men at a local shelter. I have wanted to this for years, ever since I started staying home with the boys, and I have never gone once, because I am scared. Of lovely retired people who give generously of their time. Well, I am going Monday. I am! Maybe! I hope! Maybe give me a pep talk and tell me the lovely retired people won’t eat me like I’m the little mammal and they’re the big T. Rex? I hope?

6. All of my hippie natural body and hair care is going really well! Except I kind of gave up on oil pulling because I got a cold. I haven’t washed my hair in a month and a half and haven’t used deodorant in a month. I’m sure you’re so proud of my filth! (I promise I bathe and look like a normal person, even though I will probably start pamphleting houses very soon about how the satellites are getting into your brains and so you should definitely be wearing this tinfoil hat).

7. I am working in a library again, part-time, as, get this, a librarian. Between the book writing and the librarianing, I am afraid that my addiction to the Internet has had to suffer. I’m just going to start pumping twitter and instagram through my veins one day, but until I do, just know that I’m on the other side of this screen, doing really completely well and good and fine.

8. I don’t know WHEN I’m going to do a “books I liked” post again, so let me tell you right-quick that you should check out Elisa Nader’s Escape from Eden if you like fast-paced thrillers, and The Signature of All Things by Elizabeth Gilbert if you like literary fiction about lady scientists (or, you know, if you just like lady scientists).

9. Have I not sworn this entire post? FUCK IT ALL.

Internet Time-Out

You know when sometimes you feel all sad and angsty with humanity and you just realize that what you need is to be around the happiest, best people in the world? So you can then be happier and better, and spread happiness and good news instead of the ick?

I’m going to go do that.

(But you can still email me and ask for baked goods! Because giving is happiness-inducing, that’s why. You’re helping my serotonin levels!)

Outfit of the Day

Sometimes your kid is sick and you still have to get ready and go to work and write and blog and find out who is going to take care of your kid (probably your kid’s dad, until you can come home), so you frown and take a quick photo and are just happy you’re wearing clean clothes. You know?

Shoes: Keen; Pants: AG; Shirt: H&M; Tank: Target; Frown: All mine!

(Also, please send me your address if you want baked goods! I would link to it but I have a sick child sitting on top of me, so just doing this is a feat!)

How to Use Statistics To Scare People

1. Use a graphic, hopefully like the one above that is meaningless, and is completely shocking.

2. Use “in their lifetime,” to make numbers bigger. For instance, “The average woman will consume 4 pounds of lipstick in her lifetime!!!” Even though Snopes has proven this statistic wrong, let’s break down the scare factor as if it were true.

Let’s say the average woman lives 86 years. (I’m making shit up and not citing sources in this math.)

That means that, each year, on average, she will consume 0.74 ounces per year of lipstick.

That is the weight of three quarters of a slice of bread.

Ergo, gluten is bad for you.

See what I did there? SCARY STUFF.

3. Try not to have any frames of reference.

Frames of reference, if you remember from high school physics, tell you the context of things. If you’re traveling toward a car at 30 miles per hour, which is also 30 miles per hour toward you, your collision will be at a speed of 60 miles per hour. Because: frame of reference.

Taking the frame of reference out makes it much scarier. “Shalini was hit by a car at 60 miles per hour,” gives the impression that I was standing still and a car was traveling 60 miles per hour at me. Even though it is technically true, it sounds much scarier without mentioning the frame of reference. And that’s what we need: to scare more people.

4. Make shit up, even if you have credentials that should teach you not to do that

In this article on gluten sensitivity, a MEDICAL DOCTOR WITH A MEDICAL DOCTOR DEGREE says this: 

“Dr. Ford, a pediatrician in Christchurch, New Zealand and author of The Gluten Syndrome, says he believes the percentage of people who are gluten-sensitive actually could be much higher — potentially between 30% and 50%.

“There are so many people who are sick,” he says. “At least 10% are gluten-sensitive, and it’s probably more like 30%. I was sticking my neck out years ago when I said at least 10% of the population is gluten-sensitive. My medical colleagues were saying gluten sensitivity didn’t exist. We’ll probably find it’s more than 50% when we finally settle on a number.”

Where did he settle on the 50 percent? The article doesn’t say. This could be the fault of the journalist, or the fault of the doctor. WHO KNOWS. The fact is FIFTY PERCENT IS SCARY AS SHIT. Sure, there’s nothing to back it up but OMG FIFTY PERCENT. BURN ALL THE BREAD!

5. Don’t cite sources

87% of librarians won’t believe what you’re saying if you don’t cite your sources, but everyone else will probably just ignore that.

So, in short: logic is not your friend in making amazing statistics. News sites everywhere thank you for making statistics scarier and less comprehensible for everyone! 

 

 

 

 

Let’s Talk About Natural Skin and Hair Care

I feel like this post should be subtitled, “Semi Homemade with Shalini Sandra Lee.” Because. Because I am NOT an evangelist of things. I do not think you should necessarily run out and DO THIS RIGHT NOW. OMG CHEMICALS OMG MY LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER NOW. No. I’m just a hippie and I’m okay if you’re not. I’m not a pusher, you know? I’m not.

That said, I’ve been experimenting with natural skin and hair care lately, and thought I’d share my findings. And just to be clear: I use these things because I am 1) curious and 2) panicky-afraid of climate change. That doesn’t mean I’m making a huge dent in the betterment of the environment. A better dent would be made if I was to, say, donate to a cause that studies climate change. I believe in science and technology. I take several prescription drugs. I really love me some Noxzema in a pinch. I am not going to look down on you for believing in fluoride or sunscreen EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE CLEARLY EVIL.

With those disclaimers out of the way, I can now report on what is and isn’t working with my natural and also “natural” “beauty” “care” “routine.”

Deodorant

I recently got Lavilin, which is this strange French deodorant which costs a small fortune and which you only apply once a week. ONCE. A. WEEK. It is freaky to not put deodorant on in the morning. It is freaky to sweat and not smell. I’ve always used an antiperspirant because none of the hippie options have ever, ever worked for me. BUT LAVILIN WORKS. I highly recommend it. I wouldn’t recommend following the directions (which say you’re not supposed to use any deodorant for two days and….no. I work with middle schoolers. Not happening.) I used it without following those directions and it worked. Gregg used it and it has (so far) worked (but he’s highly skeptical). It’s only been a little while for me, but so far: A PLUS.

Lotion

I’ve been using coconut oil as an all-over body lotion. It works better than regular lotion, in my opinion. Downside: I despise coconut anything. The smell! Gag. I might try something else. Jojoba? Only if I can say, “Hohoba” often. Hohoba!

Grade: A minus.

Skin cleanser

Apple cider vinegar as a toner, and coconut oil as a lotion/cleanser/makeup remover (but I don’t wear much makeup–occasional mascara, and some concealer around my eyes).

I don’t know. My skin seems fine? I don’t notice a difference between what I was using before, which was Noxzema and Oil of Olay. I’m not prone to much acne, though. I do notice my cheeks have a little bit of a glow though.

Grade: ? No idea yet, but I’ll say A.

Body wash

I’ve been using Dr. Bronner’s for years. Except for the crazy packaging, A plus.

Shampoo

I tried the whole no shampoo thing a few years ago for two months. My hair was a complete and utter disaster. I’m trying it again (baking soda “wash” and vinegar “rinse”), and so far it is TERRIBLE. THE WORST. I will give it a few more days but I feel slimy and dirty and ick, and that’s what I remember from before too. I have some of the easiest, lowest maintenance hair ever (same with every shampoo, even the cheapest stuff, no dandruff, extra shine and bounce) and it is NOT WORKING. I look like I work in front of a fryer every day, ten hours a day.

Grade so far: F MINUS MINUS

Update: I wrote this post last night, washed my hair with the “no ‘poo method” again, and woke up this morning with perfect hair. HUH. I DON’T KNOW.

Lip balm

I tried coconut oil as a lip balm, too. Doesn’t work. Nope. Unless you’re going for the feeling of having just eaten a bucket of KFC. Then YES. It works fabulously.

Grade: F.

Other hair care

Boar bristle brush. Well, this sort of pushes all my greasy hair around lately, but it is extra soothing on my scalp, and it makes my hair that’s not sticking to my scalp extra shiny. I have this one. 

In case you think I look like a freak of nature, here is what I look like. My hair is pinned back because of extra greasy grossness. Otherwise? I think I look the same.

Outfit of the Day

I’m a glamour puss. That’s me!

Sweater and tights: Target; Tank: Gap; Skirt: Factory J. Crew

I Want to Send You Cookies

I’m leading this post with a photo of cat barf. I thought that was the way to go, to really grab you, you know? It’s the lifestyle blogging way. Cat barf for everyone!

It’s actually a photo of some delicious biscotti that I made this weekend, but my photography skills would never tell you that secret. Wait, is this photo better?

No? Not better? Guess I better cross, “Be next Ansel Adams, but awesomer,” off my life list. Darn.

What I really want to tell you about that cat barf is that I want to mail it to you. Not the actual cat barf. I only have a dog and four chickens, and chickens don’t even barf. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

See, one of my biggest problems with this blog is that I feel like a succubus. Not the sexy kind, either. I take-take-take and you give-give-give and I feel so incredibly awful. You leave me nice comments! You read my book! You come and hang out with me! Etc! (You tell me what “Etc” really stands for!)

For once, I don’t want to be a blogging succubus. I make no bones about loving to bake all of the glutens, but after receiving some extra awesome mail from Blogless Becky (chocolate salted caramel pretzels ZOMG we ate them in one sitting), I thought, “Hey Shalini, maybe YOU could not be a complete douchebag for once and send other people things you baked!”). Then I fell into a sugar coma and forgot and then it was another day and now I’ve brought you up to speed today.

Are you with me? No? Basically, if you are willing to entrust me with your address, I’d like to mail you fun baked goods. If you don’t eat fun baked goods, I will cry on your behalf and send you postcards and mixed CDs. Like a one-way CDP. Got it?

Okay. All you have to do is email me at readingandchickens at gmail dot com (don’t leave it in the comments! I know you know this already!). Or message me through twitter or facebook. If there are a lot of you who do this, it might take me a while to get to you, but I will get to you. I WILL.

Oh, I forgot some swearing. Fuck it all, I’ll get to you! I really want to send you things, so I hope you let meeeee. Pretty please?

Outfit of the Day

I was going to wear a skirt with this instead of jeans, but then I remembered it’s preschool story hour in the library, so no. The last time I did preschool story time, three kids fell down while doing nothing but standing up. Gravity, you’re such a tricky bitch.

Shoes: Toms; Jeans: AG; Sweater: Gap (old); Top: Target (old); Pin: Etsy

(And if you’re reading this in email or a reader, come visit the site! Ashley redid it and it’s soooo pretty. You should totally hire her.) (Chicken graphic by the ever wonderful A. Olson. You should hire her too!)

No One is Hopeless

 

I make goals for myself each month. I have two big goals that, on January 22nd, look like they’re nowhere near coming to fruition. The first one is to run six days a week (even if it’s just for a few minutes) and get my mileage up to 9.0 miles a week. That’s not a lot, if you’re a regular runner. It’s a baby step sort of goal, and I am NOT making it.

My second goal is to finish a first draft of my next novel. I’ve got 30,000 words right now, and that is also not a lot. I need some more motivation.

My motivation is that if I can, by January 31st, finish a crappy draft and run every single day, I’m going to donate $1 for every mile I run for the rest of the month and thousand words I write in my book. So if I end up running ten miles and writing thirty thousand words, I’ll donate $40 total.

My chosen charity is RAINN, because I’m a survivor of sexual violence, and if it weren’t for the therapy group specifically set up for survivors like me, I am almost absolutely positive I would not be alive today. I was so very close to the edge, where I thought I was hallucinating my childhood sexual abuse. No one I talked to supported me until I went to this group, talked to these women. Therapists like the ones supported by RAINN saved my life. The least I can do for them is make the most of every day. They taught me that no one is hopeless, least of all me. They brought me to life.

I thought maybe, if you have a goal, we could do this together. I don’t have any good way to collect money, but if you send me an email or leave a comment of your donation and goal, with YOUR charity of choice, I could post our goals and our donations on January 31st.

Oh, and my third goal was to swear more, and just LOOK at this post. Where’s the motherfucking SWEARING? What’s with the heartfelt shit? Are you up for it, bitches? Who wants to donate some motherfucking money and burn through some motherfucking GOALS and make life extremely, completely, motherfucking worthwhile?

I sure as fuck do.