How to Use Statistics To Scare People

1. Use a graphic, hopefully like the one above that is meaningless, and is completely shocking.

2. Use “in their lifetime,” to make numbers bigger. For instance, “The average woman will consume 4 pounds of lipstick in her lifetime!!!” Even though Snopes has proven this statistic wrong, let’s break down the scare factor as if it were true.

Let’s say the average woman lives 86 years. (I’m making shit up and not citing sources in this math.)

That means that, each year, on average, she will consume 0.74 ounces per year of lipstick.

That is the weight of three quarters of a slice of bread.

Ergo, gluten is bad for you.

See what I did there? SCARY STUFF.

3. Try not to have any frames of reference.

Frames of reference, if you remember from high school physics, tell you the context of things. If you’re traveling toward a car at 30 miles per hour, which is also 30 miles per hour toward you, your collision will be at a speed of 60 miles per hour. Because: frame of reference.

Taking the frame of reference out makes it much scarier. “Shalini was hit by a car at 60 miles per hour,” gives the impression that I was standing still and a car was traveling 60 miles per hour at me. Even though it is technically true, it sounds much scarier without mentioning the frame of reference. And that’s what we need: to scare more people.

4. Make shit up, even if you have credentials that should teach you not to do that

In this article on gluten sensitivity, a MEDICAL DOCTOR WITH A MEDICAL DOCTOR DEGREE says this: 

“Dr. Ford, a pediatrician in Christchurch, New Zealand and author of The Gluten Syndrome, says he believes the percentage of people who are gluten-sensitive actually could be much higher — potentially between 30% and 50%.

“There are so many people who are sick,” he says. “At least 10% are gluten-sensitive, and it’s probably more like 30%. I was sticking my neck out years ago when I said at least 10% of the population is gluten-sensitive. My medical colleagues were saying gluten sensitivity didn’t exist. We’ll probably find it’s more than 50% when we finally settle on a number.”

Where did he settle on the 50 percent? The article doesn’t say. This could be the fault of the journalist, or the fault of the doctor. WHO KNOWS. The fact is FIFTY PERCENT IS SCARY AS SHIT. Sure, there’s nothing to back it up but OMG FIFTY PERCENT. BURN ALL THE BREAD!

5. Don’t cite sources

87% of librarians won’t believe what you’re saying if you don’t cite your sources, but everyone else will probably just ignore that.

So, in short: logic is not your friend in making amazing statistics. News sites everywhere thank you for making statistics scarier and less comprehensible for everyone!