Chris Van Hakes's Blog, page 10

A Conversation about Failure

Me: I feel like Adam Sandler on SNL doing the Hannukah song, but then…

Her: Then?

Me: But then he did, like, Punch Drunk Love, and people were like, “Whoa! Hannukah song guy!” But THEN…

Her: Yeah?

Me: Then he did Spanglish and then people just talk about him like he’s that guy who’s a little less funny and good-looking than Jimmy Fallon, you know? What if I’m just Spanglish?

Her: Spanglish is in us all. Embrace it. It might not be that bad. There could be things worse than Spanglish.

Me: Like?

Her: The sequel to Deuce Bigalow.

Me: Oh God.

Things I Learned About Myself From Chickens (#3)

Things I Learned About Myself From Chickens (#2)

How My Imagination Renders NPR Commentators: Kai Ryssdal

 

I’m sorry, but you should probably not know what he really looks like, because it’s wrong. That’s right: HE’S WRONG. He shall be Little Alien Adorable Pants. Forever. Sorry if you wanted to grow up, Kai. Not allowed.

How My Imagination Renders NPR Commentators: Cokie Roberts

 

This is how my imagination pictures NPR Commentator and General Badass Cokie Roberts, or as I like to call her, Her Majesty Princess Unicorn Tapioca Bubblegum.

Here’s what she really looks like, if you want to be a spoilsport.

Things I Learned About Myself From Chickens (#1)

 

It’s okay to eat one of the other watermelons.

And also to poop a lot.

Tidbits

*I’m sometimes now writing over at Family Health Method  if you are just dying for more Shalini Writing and can’t get enough of me. Yeah, I know, I’m pretty irresistable. (self-eye-roll)

*If you’re crafty and/or like babies, Tricia needs help providing baby blankets for an NICU. Apparently you don’t even have to be that crafty. I’m going to see if I can cajole the boys into doing this. It seems like a great project kids could do, and bonus: helping teeny tiny babies will probably get you into Heaven. (Heaven is super popular nightclub, FYI, so just show up with your blanket as proof.)

*I’m doing a Goodreads giveaway for print copies of the book.

Goodreads Book Giveaway


Lost and Found
by Chris Van Hakes

Giveaway ends November 20, 2013.

See the giveaway details

at Goodreads.

Enter to win

*I’m on a new SSRI. It’s working, except that I can’t drink on it. I mean, I can, but every time I’ve had my half glass of wine while prepping dinner, I end up falling into a dead sleep at 8pm. I am going to miss booze, but it’ll be worth it (I think). I don’t know why I’m telling you this, except to keep up the transparency of: this shit continues to be hard, but you can have a functional life around anxiety and depression, even if it’s unfair that I can’t have my half-glass of wine every night in order to not have a panic attack when I’m late to school pick up.

*I guess this post has been circulating around the Internet for a while, but I thought this post from Rob Delaney on depression and getting help was very insightful (though I’m not sure I’d rather have four broken limbs than go through depression). One thing I will add is when people would comment on my weight loss and ask how I did it, I was never honest enough to say, “Suffer from an awful depressive episode and only eat every other day!” but that is the truth. (I haven’t had that bad of one since college, but I had them. Oh,, I did.)

*I’ve already told everyone on Facebook and Twitter and Goodreads this already, but I think This Is How by Augusten Burroughs is the best thing I’ve read since The Art of Fielding. Love love love love loved it.

*Speaking of Goodreads, we should totally be friends there.

*Finally, I am having a serious, major, awful case of writer’s block on Romance Novel Two: Electric Boogaloo. I mean, I can write, but everything I write is just…it’s the worst. It’s just a first draft (I usually write at least three drafts), but I don’t know how to not just light my laptop on fire and yell, “I QUIT!” (to no one, because I sit at home and write in bed snuggled under the covers). If you’ve got a way to get over insecurity and fear in writing/working/whatever, let me know? I could use it.

Least Romantic Couples

You know when you see a movie or show and almost absolutely everything is perfect….except that the characters have zero chemistry? This. This is what ruins perfectly wonderful rom coms. Like:

10. Andie MacDowell and Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral

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Seriously, I would rather he married Duckface. I love this movie, but the real romance is between Gareth and Matthew.

9. Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman in Star Wars: Episodes I Don’t Care

Robots are more romantically inclined to love.

8. Anyone on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette

No. Ew.

7. Rory and Logan

Do you like how I’ve been using actors’ real names until this point? Because Rory is REAL. Why is it that the most gorgeous girl on the planet:

has absolutely no romantic chemistry? I would more convincingly believe her with…anyone. Like, she had more sizzling chemistry with Mrs. Kim than Logan. (This probably exists in fanfic, eh? Ship it!)

Speaking of Kims…

6. Lane and Dave 

Gah. This was so strange and weird. I liked the couple in theory, but in execution? No. I don’t get how Lorelei and Luke can be SO AMAZING together, and everyone else is so sizzle-less.

5. Anyone on Awkward.

I really really really love the first two seasons of this show (I haven’t seen the third), but there is negative romance emanating off these actors. It’s FUN. But it’s not SWOONY. The “sex” scenes make me hope no one ever has sex again. Ever. Please.

4. Serena and Dan on Gossip Girl

Maybe it was just the on-again off-again relationship, but I just didn’t care. I think this show should have played to its strengths: Chace Crawford’s eyebrows.

3. Harry Potter and Ginny

Please don’t kill me, but their love was about as interesting as Quidditch. Ron and Hermione? Yes! Harry and Ginny? Yawn. (Total aside, but we once had a seventeen-year-old babysitter who honestly hated Ron because “why do all the dumb guys get the great girls?” THAT. That is great, when a person is so real that you feel JEALOUS someone else is dating them. I think the Harry/Ginny romance may fizzle simply because Ginny is not nearly as interesting as Hermione.)

2. Molly Ringwald and Andrew McCarthy 

Every time I watch this movie, I wish that Ducky and Andie could make it work, and that stupidhead Blane would just die. Romantic.

1. Ted and Anyone at All on How I Met Your Mother

But it doesn’t matter, because no one is watching this show anymore since WE DON’T CARE WHY DIDN’T WE MEET THE MOTHER EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO AAAAAAH.

Books I Liked in October + Book Giveaway

(The numbers are no longer completely sequential because I’m leaving out the books I did not enjoy. Because I am a sensitive little kitten, that’s why.)

October was the “Shalini starts and never finishes this book” month. I started more books that, if I were Previous Shalini, I would have devoured and loved, but for which, for whatever reason, I could just not make myself read. I am reading many, many fewer books than I used to, too.

Freelancing + Momming + Novel Editing = No Time Sadness.

I am going to make a more concerted effort to listen to audiobooks, though, because I think a writer’s number one obligation, if she wants to be a better writer, is to keep reading. This will probably change my reading habits drastically, though, because I love nonfiction audiobooks and I hate hate hate romance novels being read to me. I wonder what this will do to my writing. Huh. We shall see?

And? I will never, ever, ever understand writers who don’t read. Ever. I am afraid to voice my opinion lately, but I will say: if you are a writer and not a reader? Of anything at all? Find a new hobby.

Wow, that was too much preamble. As usual, if you’d like the chance for a free book, list which one of these you’d like in the comments.

Here you go:

89. Sushi for Beginners by Marian Keyes

This was the first Marian Keyes novel I’ve ever read, and once I started mention it to people, everyone was like, Marian KEYES! She’s so great! She IS. I don’t know if I have ever identified with a protagonist more than I have with the one this novel, Ashling. It was lovely.

91. Trust in Me by J. Lynn

 

This was a perfectly serviceable romance novel that hit all the typical romance novel plots in a satisfactory way. This doesn’t sound like a glowing review, I realize, but for me, very, very, very few romance novelists do not get my “helpless girl” shackles up. There is a helpless girl in the story and yet I did not mind, which means there was great skill involved.

The copy editing wasn’t tight, though, so if that bothers you, steer clear.

92. Warm Bodies by Isaac Marion

Oh.  THIS BOOK. THIS NOVEL. This novel was FANTASTIC.

It’s about zombies, which is a bit of a disservice to Marion, because it’s not really about zombies. I mean, it IS. And if you watched the movie, you’ll be like, “Shalini, this is about zombies.” It is, but it’s so well-written that it gets you past “zombie apocalypse” and straight into the meat (ha) of the novel, about adolescence and parent issues and what it means to be alive. Also, it is not scary. I do not read scary novels. I can’t. It’s a tiny bit graphic and there’s a lot of swearing, but it is not scary or gross, which is why if you’re looking for a zombie novel, this isn’t a great one. If you’re looking for a great novel, this is it.

95. Beautiful Player by Christina Lauren

See above about romance novels. This novel has the plus of not having a helpless girl, having the always fun “friends with benefits” plot line that is oh-so-popular, and has a very smart heroine. I enjoyed it very, very much, so if you are looking for something light and fun and romantic? This.

(Edited to add: forgot to mention that Beautiful Player is a little bit, uh, smutty. FYI.)

Okay, this is the giveaway portion. Tell me which one of these you want to read in the comments.

 

 

I Promise I’m Crazier Than You, And That’s Okay

There is a lot of shaming around mental illness, partly because I think there is a lack of understanding about what it is. The most shaming, I think, comes from people who are deep in the bowels of it, who refuse to let go, or who don’t know how to let go.

So, let’s get this out of the way: if you suffer from depression, anxiety, obsessive thinking, drinking, drugging, mania, suicidal thoughts, or anything else that exists in your mind but that you can somehow effectively disguise in at least one facet of your life as something other than an illness, let me tell you: stop. Let go. Be as crazy as you think you are. Let people hate you if that’s what you need. Let things fall apart, and then you can put them back together. I’ve been doing that over and over, and I can tell you: it’s awful. Horrendous. FULL of suffering. 

Also? My life is pretty fucking awesome, so clearly something is working in all this.

So, when you put things back together, don’t forget to leave out the shame of having a mental illness. Maybe you don’t have any shame. Maybe you hate the phrase “mental illness” so much that you keep wincing reading this. If you’re like me, you’re personally offended, not that you’d tell anyone, because you’re hiding your mental illness from everyone anyway.

Also? You have a mental illness. Or maybe you don’t, but I do. MENTAL. ILLNESS.

MENTAL! ILLNESS!

Do you feel appropriately embarrassed on my behalf? Why is it that we as a society think that we have to suffer in silence, when ALL we want is to do the opposite? Do you know HOW many friends you have out there, desperate for you?

For years I went through a myriad of diagnoses with doctors over what it was, besides having a stunningly fucked-up childhood, that would cure me of my woes. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, depression, severe anxiety, and have tried all of the drugs for all of the diagnoses. Most of them did not work. I have been on Wellbutrin, Paxil, Lamictal, Lithium, Xanax, Zoloft, Prozac, Lexapro and a few others that I cannot even remember, but they all sound vaguely like STDs. Chlamydia? Gonorrhea? Yeah, I think I’ve tried those too.

There is a time, not very long ago, that I would never, ever tell you any of this. So embarrassing! And then I thought, “Embarrassing for WHO?” Just like I used to not talk about childhood sexual abuse, because I was so ashamed. How fucked up is that? A five year old gets abused, and she’s the one who feels shame? Fucked. Up. A girl is raped and she’s the one who has to hide? Fucked. Up.

Listen, it’s not so different with mental illness. There is NO reason to carry the burden of shame. I don’t know why you have it, but let it go.

So, I am here to tell you: you will feel better, if you take care of yourself, and drop the shame that you’re unfixable, or it’s all hopeless (tricky, since that’s a side effect of the illness). You are really quite boring, if we’re speaking statistically, at least in America (26.2 percent of us!). And if you’re on medication and/or in therapy, you’re much smarter than most people in your situation, because you’re doing something. Maybe tell someone else what your special drug of choice is, without feeling embarrassed or ashamed because THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

Just like there is nothing shameful about having suffered sexual assault or abuse. Okay? It’s a thing that happened, that has absolutely nothing to do with your personal character, strength, intelligence, appearance or your Magic 8 Ball future self.

Let go, and be peaceful, have no shame, and most importantly: take your medication.