Bart King's Blog, page 38

Here's one way to start 2017 — with really bad jokes!

I've decided my new year's resolutions will work better in tiff.
(And let's forget about the great jpeg fiasco of 2016, ok?)‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑"So you're an avian dermatologist? What's your most commonly diagnosed problem?"
"Goose pimples."‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑I'm going to find out if electro-shock therapy can lift one's spirits.
Also? Don't use a butter knife to get a muffin from the toaster.‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑ENGLAND, 1968:
"Okay lads, what're we going to call the band?"
*Ritchie Blackmore looks at his bruised forearm*
"What about Deep Purple?"‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑BUYING GROCERIES:
"Paper or plastic?"
"Both. I want a real mixed bag."‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑"Hello, Cheever Books."
"Is your bookstore multi-story?"
"Nope."
"But you can't do very well if you only sell one story."*hangs up*‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑City Council Meeting—
MAYOR: Why should we sign a toothless 'Stop the Reservoir' ordinance? We're dammed if we do, and dammed if we don't.‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑"Does this steak meet FDA standards for chewability?"
"Yes, it's legal tender."

Got a second? Then read this, my favorite story of the year.

It's a letter to the editor of the New York Times book review section:

I wonder — how funky is their chicken?

That's one way to keep the pets away from the tree...

 Happy holidays, everyone! (Via.)

Nothing is better than a good book for Christmas!

Someone is NOT excited about reading.

Did I ever mention that I think this is the perfect tweet?

Via.

The Worst Treehouses of Portland

C'mon, people! You're not even TRYING.

WARNING

It's still pretty cold out there.

Wikipedia's "high five" entry has a section for "down low, too slow"

With finger-guns!