Bart King's Blog, page 249

Clearing Up a Misconception

My enemies have been circulating this picture, claiming that it's a photo of me at my prom.



This is not the case. For one thing, I never went through a goth phase. I didn't like that whole "I'm so sad, why can't you understand?" look.



I had a more cheerful outlook. That's why I liked stripes!

Book Trailer: THE BIG BOOK OF SPY STUFF!

The Big Book of Spy Stuff is coming out in a month. While you're waiting, take a look at this trailer. I guarantee you've never seen anything like it before!



DISCLAIMER: If you've seen Xtranormal movies, you've seen things just like it before.

Movie Trailer: THE BIG BOOK OF SPY STUFF!

The Big Book of Spy Stuff is coming out in a month. While you're waiting, take a look at this trailer. I guarantee you've never seen anything like it before!



DISCLAIMER: If you've seen Xtranormal movies, you've seen things just like it before.

Full-Body Lazywear? It's about time!

While you'd think laziness is for underachievers, there is a company known as Forever Lazy. Their ambition is to be lazy for all eternity.



To make that happen, Forever Lazy sells "full-body lazywear" . . . or onesies for adults. And how's this for a slogan? "Just zip it and get lazy." Forever!

"Chilling horror —and a potted plant"!

The Blue Geranium strikes terror into readers everywhere!

This 1944 mystery MUST be good; after all, it's a "Bart" imprint. It was actually written by Dolores Hitchens; never mind the pen name. Anyway, that Bart House knew how to pick 'em!Hot tip via Abe Books , image from uk vintage .

Lesson Plans for a Substitute Dog Owner

Problem Student: Dizzy King

Sustained Silent Sleeping: Dizzy will often engage in prolonged bouts of slumber. You will come to be grateful for these, so enjoy the snoring.

Period 1: Waking upDizzy will often wake up around 5:00 AM; she will be ready to eat and start her day. Ignore this. If she is in a room by herself, just yell at her to lie down. She will. If she is with you, just put her in the computer room by herself and close the door.

Period 2: Waking up for realWhen you are ready for her, let her out of the computer room. She will still be ready to eat, so it's a good idea to feed her. She gets TWO SCOOPS OF FOOD in the morning.

Food Tips: 1. Despite the temptation, it is VERY unwise to give Dizzy "human food."2. Dizzy is very wily about innocently wandering into the kitchen if there is food left out on the counters. Although she knows this is bad form, she has eaten a cube of butter and four frozen chicken breasts on two separate occasions!3. While you're preparing people food in the kitchen, if you point to the door and say, "Dizzy, go on", she will sit outside the kitchen door.

After eating breakfast, Dizzy needs to go outside. Once this business is taken care of, let her back in, whereupon she will often get a toy and start whipping it around, or she may want to wrestle with you. Then again, she may pass out for a while.

Period 3: The walk At some point in the morning (7 to 9), Dizzy will expect some action. She usually goes to the park at this time, but a brisk walk works just as well. Take her out, let her sniff, and be sure to BRING POOP BAGS!

Walking tips: Cats are Dizzy's mortal enemy. She will almost invariably lunge at them. If you see one on the sidewalk, cross the street to avoid Dizzy completely wigging out. The key is to keep moving. She also sometimes freaks out about other dogs, postal service workers, and idealistic squirrels.

Period 4: After the walkShe usually passes out for awhile. She often sleeps for most of the first part of the day, with breaks for potty trips outside, barking at the postal person, and treats. (see period 5.)

Period 5: SnacktimeAround noonish, she often gets a dog cookie or two.

Period 6: Afternoon sleeping/Attempts to get you to play, go for a walk, or feeding her more if you're a sucka.

Period 7: DinnerA scoop of food around five or six PM.

Period 8: Evening walk

Period 9: Snoozin' 'n' Snuggles Yes, that is a grotesque title.

DUTIES: Dizzy's duties are to bark at the postal person and anyone who comes to the door, and to stay OFF of the red couch and the dining table and the kitchen counters.

BATHROOM PASSES: Dizzy typically goes in the morning, a coupla times during the day, and right before bedtime. Encouragements of "Go potty!" sometimes help; I know they do with me.

NEUROTIC BEHAVIOR: Dizzy gets apoplectic at the sound of fireworks, explosions, and thermonuclear detonations. She needs reassurances during such episodes; the basement is a good refuge. (I wouldn't bother mentioning this, but Oregonians have a pathological need to detonate their fireworks upon purchase, as opposed to waiting till July the 4th or Arbor Day to set them off.)

Nice Wagon!

Oh wait, that's not a wagon after all.



A gentleman named Wayne Chisnall created this eye-catching artwork. It's titled "Booktower II" because it's a tower of books ... and Chisnall already made "Booktower"!

"The Queen is coming!" *urk*

In Denmark, this guard seemed to get too nervous at hearing the news that the Danish queen was approaching ... but not to worry. He only fainted. (I do this all the time when we get houseguests.)

Via .

Typographic Bicycle

Aaron Kuehn made this. I like it a lot.

Now THIS is dancing!

Pick it up at 1:25 in. Wowsers.