Kristann Monaghan's Blog, page 10

Here! Shove This Pillow Under Your Vagina! Or Thoughts On Getting Your First Period

I was discussing with both my Bestie and my BFFE about their daughters “becoming a woman” or getting their periods for the first time since they are both around that age and it made me realize how far we have come to when I first got my period.  Products are completely different then when I was that age and I amazed at some of the products out there now.  I mean, we really didn’t have much of a choice but girl’s today have special pads and tampons made for teens.  Plus there are things like the Diva Cup and washable unders with pads built into them. We had kotex and tampons without applicators.  Fun times.   And this event in a girl’s life is one we all remember.  For some of us it is more imprinting than others.  I shall share with you my story for the hopes that some girls out there, my God Daughters and BFFE’s sweet girl included, can see that we all go through it and none of us like it.  So girls…here is the truth about getting your first period.

I remember being shown “the film” about getting your period probably in about 6th grade and being mortified.  Girls went to one presentation and boys to another.  We even got little booklets to take home to discuss it with your parents.  Not that any of us wanted to do that.  I always wondered if the boy’s presentation was as embarrassing as ours.  No girl wants to here about the “blood of life” flowing from her vagina.  It is gross, yucky and all I could think about was that if that was what babies was all about then I was for sure not gonna do that.  I mean who wants to even consider in 6th grade that you would soon have blood that flows out of you every month? It soon became the topic of many a hushed conversation on the playground for a long time in groups of girls.  The book Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume was passed around secretly and we all wondered when this supposed “miracle” of womanhood would happen to us.  I really was not looking forward to it unlike most girls.  I had no desire to have blood come out of my vagina.  Who the fuck wants to bleed from their vagina every month?  Not me.  The whole secret of womanhood seemed messy to me, no matter how wonderous and magical the film made it sound.  I was pretty sure I was being lied to.  That unicorns and fairies were not going to come celebrating me becoming a woman and I was not going to run through a field of flowers telling everyone how wonderful it was to bleed from my vagina for the first time.  I was not wrong.

Nobody warns you when you are around the age of 12 that this “gift” from Mother Nature will show up whenever the fuck it wants to and totally ruin your life.  I got my period for the first time at junior high and of course I was wearing white shorts.  Probably the last time I EVER wore white pants (except for in nursing school.  Who’s bright idea was it to give a predominately female class white pants to wear?).  I was mortified to be in class and feel this weird wetness coming from my private area and instantly I knew something was wrong and asked for a bathroom pass.  I knew I wasn’t peeing my pants but it sure felt like it.  By the time I got to the bathroom, it was too late.  There it was soaked through my panties to my shorts…the Stain of Shame.  What was I to do now?  It is not like I can wear those shorts and not like I had extra clothing to change into.  Was I supposed to walk around all day with the Stain of Shame in my crotch area for the whole school to see like the Red Badge of Courage or Scarlett Letter?  I quickly shoved toilet paper into my underwear and went to the nurse.  When I got to the nurse and embarrassingly explained what had happened, she nodded in understanding and offered to call one of my parents to bring me some different shorts.  In the meantime, she would tell my teacher I was staying in her office for a bit and gave me a kotex pad to use.  Of course you are also not told that these kotex pads will feel like you have just been handed a diaper or better yet, a pillow to wear in your chonies.  It is like the nurse said to me “Here!  Shove this pillow under your vagina!  Congrats!  You are now a woman!”  And men, in case you are wondering, that is EXACTLY what it feels like.  Take a pillow and put it in the crotch of your underwear and see how it feels.  Now try walking around the block with it there, or running or better yet…swimming.  Now add to it something constantly dripping or gushing into your pants onto that pillow so that you constantly feel wet and dirty. And let’s not even mention what happens when you sneeze when you are on your period.  That will make it like a crime scene in your pants.  For reals.  This is how it feels to have your period. Yeah.  It fucking sucks to be a girl.

This is how it feels to be a girl

The other thing you are not warned about is how bad it will hurt to get your period.  “Mild discomfort” my ass.  That film lied.  As I lay in the nurse’s office, I thought I was gonna die.  There was so much pain in my stomach and I didn’t know why.  I felt like there was a screwdriver being repeatedly stabbed into it and into my vagina.  Or a little tiny army of warriors battling in there.  I could hear them screaming “Release the blood of life! She is now a woman!”  Or yelling “Freedom!” as they charged against some other army they were fighting in my uterus.  Plus, now I was nauseated and there was this feeling of stuff leaking out of me.  Oh screw this becoming a woman thing.  This was what all the girls were waiting for?  This pain…this mess…this feeling of wanting to die?  Not at all what I had signed up for when I was born a girl.  On top of it, now I have to experience this every freaking month until I become old?  Uh…no.  I don’t wanna.  So gross.  Boys are so lucky.

Yup. This is pretty accurate.

The topper to this wonderful life altering experience?  My change of pants and unders finally arrived to the school….by MY DAD.  So yeah.  That happened.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did want to die when I got my first period because that film fucking lies and there are no unicorns and magic when you get your period but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl telling girls out there how it REALLY is to get your first period Running.  The experiment continues….

Beware Of The Untouched Snow: A Cautionary Father’s Day Tale

Since I just went and spent the weekend with my crazy family (more on that to come) and because Father’s Day was just last week, I thought I would share with you a little cautionary tale about me and my Daddy.  My Daddy and I spent a lot of time together when I was little as I was an only child until that bratty Bubby came along when I was 11.  The story I am about to tell you took place circa 1978 BB or Before Bubby.  Let me set the scene:  winter in Iowa where it had been snowing for days and finally stopped.  We were at my Grandma’s farm and decided to go play in the snow….here is where the tale turns to a dark one….just kidding.  But really the day did not turn out like my Daddy had planned let’s just say.

Like I said, Daddy and I decided to go outside and play in the snow together.  Now, back in the day, this meant bundling up in A Christmas Story fashion complete with snowmobile suit, scarfs, long underwear, gloves, boots…you name it we wore it to stay dry and warm.  I looked like that kid in the movie who can’t put his arm’s down.  For serious.  Every kid in the Midwest in the 70s can relate I am sure.  So after ensuring I was bundled up good, out we went to make snow angels, throw snowballs and all the fun things you do as a kid in the snow.  Why I thought that was fun is beyond me….I hate playing in the snow as an adult.  Maybe it is because I hate being cold and wet.  Or maybe it is because I am more of an indoor girl.  It had been snowing hard for days so the snow was the best kind to play in…deep and fluffy.  Daddy and I decided to try to build a snow fort, but the snow was too fluffy so we gave up and decided to go for a walk even though the drifts were almost as tall as I was in some points.  It was then we saw it….the perfect drift.  A huge, fluffy drift of snow, untouched by any animal or bird.  There was absolutely no marks in it except for the marks the wind made as it built the drift up.  It was the perfect drift of snow to make a snow angel in or just plain jump in.  But Daddy had a different idea.  One that Mother Nature screwed with in a big way.

At some point, while admiring this beautiful perfect virgin drift of snow, my Daddy decided it would be fun to throw me into it.  Smiling at me, he picked me up by one arm and one leg and started to swing me toward the drift.  I was thrilled seeing how high he was swinging me and laughed, anticipating landing into all that fluffy snow with a cloud of it surrounding me.  Daddy finally let go and I felt myself launched into the air with a grunt.  I flew for a few seconds and then it happened…the landing.  Instead of landing into a fluffy cloud of snow, I landing with an OOOOOOMPH onto nature’s trick.  A drift of solid hard packed ice crusted snow.  All the air rushed out of me and I lay there unable to move or make a sound or even take a breath.  I could hear my Daddy gasp and cry out  “OH SHIT!” as he raced to me, picking me up telling me it was gonna be ok as I struggled to get in some air.  I was finally able to catch my breath and what came out was a strangled sob.  In reality, I am sure I sounded like a strangled hyena pup or something similar since it was still hard to breathe.  I am sure wolves from all over were attracted to the sounds I was making and we were lucky they didn’t all come sniffing around to see what the hell was making those noises.  Needless to say, I really was not in the mood to play in the snow as the tears froze to my cheeks and I struggled to breathe, so my Daddy carried me back to my Grandma’s farmhouse.  My poor Daddy. Really he did think it was a fluffy drift of snow and had no idea Mother Nature was a fucking bitch and made it all hard packed and lung collapsing.  Fuck you Mother Nature and your lung collapsing Daddy time ruining snow drift.  You are an asshole.

The moral of the story is to always test the snow drifts before launching your young daughter into the air to land in them.  This will save her from a collapsed lung and you from Grandma swatting you upside the head when you bring her in with her frozen tears stuck to her face. I will never trust deceptive Mother Nature again.   Lesson learned.  I love you Daddy.

Daddy and me happy in the time BB (before Bubby)

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I felt like I was dying when I hit that hard packed snowdrift the bitch Mother Nature made but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl without a collapsed lung but a fun-loving well-meaning Daddy who learned to test the snow Running.  The experiment continues…

The Adventures Of BFF and Fat Girl at Comicon 2015

I realized that I had yet to tell you of all the fun BFF and I had at Comicon this year.  I have regaled you with tales of BFF getting injured at every turn and told you how not to be a dick but not about what we did so I shall change that now.  Our adventures started with driving down to the hot box that is Phoenix and checking into our hotel.  I must say that BFF and I are hotel snobs so we stayed at a nice hotel…we had even managed to get a cottage room.  For only being gone a weekend, BFF and I sure know how to overpack….we brought like 8 bags!  Ok but one was filled with snacks for Comicon and one was a little cooler filled with water and Gatorade.  But the other 6….well….I dunno.  We like a lot of clothes ok?  Don’t judge.  The room was everything we hoped with a HUGE bathroom for two girly girls.  Although the shower was small with a glass door, which means you had to watch each other shower.  Also, the toilet did not have a door so watching each other poop was always an option.  Creepy.  But there were cute little bunnies outside our room every day….so I guess that makes up for having to watch each other poop.  Maybe.

The cottage where our room was located….ahhhhhh
I would rather look at bunnies than BFF pooping….

We headed over to the convention center to check in, get our badges and head to the vendor hall to shop…cuz we LOVE to shop.  Take 2 geeky girls who like to shop and throw them in a hall with hundreds of geeky vendors and you have 2 geeky girls who squee with joy and spend lots of money.  Like an absurd amount.  As we came down the escalators to the vending hall, it was just opening and when we saw the crowds, we almost turned away and ran.  Hundreds of people waiting for the doors to open. Thank goodness they did right as we were coming down and the crowd dissipated quickly or we would have turned tail and run…neither one of us like crowds that much.  BFF quickly made her first purchase of Comicon…the cutest Boba Fett purse.  And by quickly, I do mean within 5 minutes.  But so worth it.  And not something you will find just anywhere.  This is how we spent Thursday night because the vendor hall is so big it took us 4.5 hours to walk the entire thing and shop.

Best purse ever.

Friday was filled with panels, shopping, exploring, wading through crowds, shopping, eating, more shopping and did I mention a photo-op with Michael Shanks?  SQUEE!!!  We are big fans of Stargate so getting this opportunity was amazeballs.  We knew we would not make his panel because for some reason it was on Saturday in a whole separate building and a floor down from the large ballroom where we were camping out to see Jason Momoa and Alyson Hannigan.  So there was no way we were gonna leave and attempt to get back in there.  That is crazy sauce.  So photo-op it was!  And well worth it!  I swear BFF barely contained running her hands up and down him and getting us kicked out.  Molester.  In between shopping and BFF molesting Michael Shanks, we decided to get some ice cream.  Because ice cream is the answer to whatever the question.  For serious.  I loves me some ice cream.  BFF had some major ice cream issues.  I swear she is like a 4-year-old with ice cream.  She ended up with it on her hands, cheek, eyebrow, arm, pants, hair and at some point her ear.  I have no idea how she got it on her ear.  What the heck was she doing with it when I wasn’t looking?  Spreading it around on various places hoping Michael Shanks would lick it off?  I am sure she was still thinking about molesting him and it made her ice cream melt faster.  I didn’t have those problems but maybe I ate mine fast or I actually know how to eat ice cream and she doesn’t.  Yeah.  Let’s go with that. Cuz eating it fast would imply that I was shoveling it into my gob, which in fact I really was because ice cream.  BFF, on the other hand, was a sticky hot mess.  Thank goodness we had already had our photo-op with Michael Shanks.

BFF restraining herself from molesting him. You can see it behind her smile….
Pretty soon this would be in so many places….

Saturday at Comicon brought us camping out in the big ballroom to see all the big name celebrities, especially Jason Momoa and Alyson Hannigan.  We packed provisions and planned our potty breaks.  I even did lunges to prevent from getting a clot in my calf and to stretch my sciatica (this tip I learned from Pocket GF the first year we went).  Hands down, the best panel of the day was indeed Jason Momoa, who was gracious, funny and endearing.  It also brought more shopping.  You see, BFF and I have this addiction to a particular vendor called Sparkle! whose geeky jewelry brings us into her stall every year.  This year was no exception as we went back probably about 4 times to buy more.  I love arm candy and her bracelets are my newest addiction.  I swear I bought like 4 or 5 of them.  Don’t judge.

Khal Drago, Ronon Dex (Stargate Atlantis) and Aquaman all rolled into one…
Best quote ever…hands down. Harry Potter for life!

Funny thing about Comicon is that every year, BFF and I know that a bunch of our friends are also attending but unless we attend with them, we usually never see them.  This is due to the huge crowds, the different panels, and our desire to shop till we drop.  Sometimes, we try to make it a point to hook up with people for meals and such, but this year we decided not to and our friends started stalking us.  Yup…we had stalkers folks!  Two of them actually found us in the vendor hall (good place to look for us in the maddening crowd of thousands) and managed to snag us for a few minutes and snap a photo or two….like the crazy stalkers they are.  Some call it stalking, I call it love.  Or practice for when I actually have fangirls/boys searching out the Fat Girl in a crowd to get a picture or snip a lock of my hair or even smell me.  Thanks to Foxy and JN for NOT snipping a piece of my hair although next time some squeeing would be in great order.  Foxy might have been sniffing me but I couldn’t tell if I should be weirded out or just chalk it up to her being a fangirl and all.  I mean, if you are gonna stalk us, you might as well fangirl….just saying.

This one makes me look creepy and maybe it is because Foxy did just smell us…..
Notice she stalked us in the vendor hall but is not trying to snip our hair or smell us….good job!

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did however get my geeky shopping on and got stalked while at Comicon but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who managed to get her picture taken with Michael Shanks, did not get ice cream everywhere and did not get my locks of my hair snipped off by a crazed fangirl Running,  The experiment continues…

How Not To Be A Dick At Comicon

When you go to a large convention of sorts, like Comicon, you are bound to run into people who are just plain rude.  Some people can’t help themselves and some just are completely oblivious to the thousands of other people around them.  Sigh.  If we all just played nice, then the world would be a better place.  But since we can’t, here are my rules for how not to be a dick at Comicon (which, actually, are good rules in general and can be used in any situation).  Because let’s face it…sometimes people are dicks.

1.  Don’t use paint thinner or turpentine to remove your body paint in a public bathroom.  For reals we experienced this.  BFF and I walked in to pee, which is normal in a public bathroom, only to be assaulted by this gal removing her body paint with this toxic fumage.  First off, why are you carrying around paint thinner in your bag anyways?  And what kind of paint are you using on your body to require paint thinner or turpentine? Public bathrooms are not known for their ventilation systems as it is, so why would you remove your body paint with a toxic asthma inducing chemical in there?  Pretty sure you should only use that around windows and such….and public bathrooms do not have those.  I almost had an asthma attack and if I hadn’t had to pee so bad, we would have found another potty.  Good thing is the smell of the turpentine covered up the smell of whatever someone else was doing in the stall next to me as she grunted loudly.  I didn’t stick around long enough to find out since the fumes from the turpentine were trying to kill me.

2.  Put your pole down.  If you are gonna sit in front of people and your cosplay costume involves a pole or staff of some sort, place it on the ground.  Don’t sit there with it in the air, thereby blocking the 1000 people behind you from seeing anything in the panel.  We actually had to ask a Comicon employee to ask her to put it down. WTF?  She caused us to have Resting Bitch Face because she was being such a dick.  You are not Little Bo Peep and we are not your sheep…just saying.

Hello? Can you not see the thousands of people behind you? Put your freaking pole down!
Resting Bitch Faces because of someone who thought she was Little Bo Peep apparently

3.  If you are gonna ask a celebrity a question in a panel, pay attention to the questions that have been asked before you.  I mean, asking Jason Momoa to say something in Dothraki he had literally said the minute he walked out on stage?  Dick move.  Repeating a question that has already been answered or taking 10 minutes to phrase your question with so much babble that no one can figure out what your question is?  Dick move.  Also…don’t be weird and make the celebrity uncomfortable by asking in front of 5000 fans if you can have a hug.  Dick move and awkward.  No joke, this guy was uber awkward and practically made my skin crawl so I can imagine how Jason Momoa felt.  Nobody wants to look like a dick by turning you down for a hug dude, but you were so creepy and weird about it that it made you look like a stalker.  If you are gonna be a stalker, learn how to do it right.  Ugh.  If a celebrity asks you to not ask for spoilers or to stay way from a topic and you then walk up to the mic and ask for a spoiler?  Dick move.  Be respectful to their time and the others sitting in the same room with you.

4.  Febreeze your costume.  If you are gonna cosplay the same costume the entire weekend, febreeze that shit.  I mean, we all know you can’t easily wash your handmade Joker costume, but if you are gonna wear it for 3 days in the 115 degree heat, at least febreeze it.  We can smell you coming down the hallway.  Just saying.  At some point, you are gonna be in a small enclosed room sitting next to someone and you stink.  Febreeze is your friend cosplayers….because remember, nobody wants to sit next to the Mayor of Poopsville.

5.  The last and most important rule on how not to be a dick is to perform at least one random act of kindness while you are there.  BFF and I were wandering the vendor hall (where we spend a majority of our time cuz hello! geeky shopping) and we stopped to look at some jewelry a gal had for sale.  We started talking to her and she asked us if we knew where people were getting the popcorn she saw everyone wandering around with since she was starving but had nobody to relieve her.  We told her where to find it and expressed our sadness at her non popcorn state.  As we walked away, BFF and I looked at each other and immediately both said “Let’s go find her some popcorn!”  So we went to the first snack station we saw, bought her some popcorn and immediately returned to her booth with it.  The look of gratitude and surprise on her face was totally worth it.  She even tried to pay us, but we wouldn’t take her money.  We know what it is like to be hangry and with the thousands of people there wandering around, hangry is not a state you want to be in.  Random act of popcorning accomplished.

If you follow these simple rules, you won’t be a dick at Comicon….we swear it.  Everyone around you will have a better time and not be annoyed by you.  We can then spend the entire time looking like this:

Happy not being a dick faces

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did observe some dick moves but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who knows how not to be a dick at Comicon Running.  The experiment continues…

When Bathrooms Attack or How BFF Was A Klutz At Comicon

When BFF and I travel together, there is ALWAYS an adventure. This year at Comicon, it was a rather klutzy one for poor BFF.  We headed down to the Ultimate Geekfest as usual to commune with our peeps and to hopefully stalk some celebrities.  John Barrowman was unfortunately not there this year so we could not stalk him or Wil Wheaton.  After checking into our gorgeous cottage room at our hotel, we headed over to join the craziness that is Phoenix Comicon.  Here is where BFF’s tale of woe begins.  A tale of terror in 2 different bathrooms that ends up with BFF being traumatized by bathroom stall doors and razors.

We were up wandering around where all the celebrities were going to be housed so we could see who to stalk and see where to get our photo op done when we both decided to visit the urination station on that floor.  We go in and go to do our thing.  I hear BFF say “Ow!” kinda quiet and figure she had hit herself somehow.  It happens.  I say things quiet like that all the time, although I swear BFF has supersonic bat hearing.  Once, we were discussing gummi vitamins and BFF said she didn;t like gummi anything.  I proceeded to say under my breath in the quietest whisper “Cuz you’re weird.”  She quickly turned her head and said “I am NOT weird!  I am texturally challenged!” How the heck she heard me is still beyond me to be honest.  But I did hear her say “Ow” as we were in the potty.  I was at the sink washing my hands when BFF came out to join me in the washing.  SIDE NOTE:  What the heck is up with people NOT washing their hands after using the restroom?  Ew.  Do you think your parts are so clean that you don’t need to wash your hands after peeing or pooping?  And then you go and touch things or people.  Gross.  I might have just gagged.  I swear I am gonna create and alarm system that will go off if you walk out of a public restroom without washing your hands so people will know how gross you are.  End rant.

BFF then explained the source of her quiet pain…the bathroom stall door had attacked her.  She had run into it pretty hard with her armand she turned to show me.  Holy Bruises Batman! It had immediately bruised bcause she hit it so hard and was starting to swell a little.  She really did get attacked by the door!  Crazy attacking bathroom stall doors at Comicon!  I even documented the bruise to prove it…you can see the progression and feel bad for BFF’s traumatic experience in the bathrooms at the Phoenix Convention Center.

The grevious injury caused by the bathroom stall immediately after it happened…ouchie
Nice shade of purple…day 2
Day 3…still looks gnarly

BFF’s other tale of terror takes place in our hotel bathroom.  She is in there taking a shower and I am watching TV, awaiting my turn, when I hear a slew of curse words come sreaming from the bathroom.  Now, BFF doesn’t curse very often and rarely uses the Eff word, so to hear this coming from the bathroom repeatedly was a bit of a shocker for me.  When she finally emerged, still swearing, I saw why.  BFF, in shaving her legs, had somehow managed to shave off part of her fingernail. Now, I did not photo document this grevious injury as I was so horrified that I could not even fathom a picture of it.  Her fingernail was missing a chunk from the middle to a ragged point at the end.  It was quite horrifying and made me shudder with how badly that must have hurt to get wet.  Now I understood the proclivity of profanity that came out of her mouth.  She swears like a sailor when she gets injured.  Words I didn’t even know she knew came out of her.  I helped bandage her up and went to take my shower to discover the inside of the shower looked like something out of Psycho….blood spatters everywhere.  I was in a horror film for sure.  It was so gross to look at for the next few days and I can only imagine what it felt like to BFF.  Klutzy BFF.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did experience how bathrooms attack you and leave you with grevious injuries and considered an alarm system if you don’t wash your hands after using a bathroom (again GROSS) but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with a klutzy BFF (who can swear profusely) this trip to Geekfest 2015 Running.  The experiment continues…

Why Colleen Hoover Is Like Santa Claus

We all know I think Colleen Hoover is one of the best people on the planet, not to mention on of my favorite authors.  I think I might have mentioned that a few times or two.  Well, I have now decided she is like Santa Claus.  I have not come to this conclusion lightly, but with a great deal of thought.  I mean Santa is pretty magical, but so Colleen.  Pretty sure she would ride across the sky on a unicorn if she could.  For reals.  Let’s discuss why I came to this conclusion.

Last night, There I am sitting on the couch, watching reality tv and eating kumquats.  I mention this because I like to say the word kumquat.  It is a fun word to say.  It sounds a little dirty and also a little weird.  Kumquats are indeed a little weird…sweet and sour all in one bite and wicked addictive….peel and all.  I had forgotten how much I like kumquats so there I was mindlessly enjoying these weird little fruits and squeezing their oil all over the place when BFFE messaged me.  She proceeded to tell me Colleen was doing a giveaway (Reason #1 why Colleen is like Santa…she gives away shit…for free.  Like presents).  Ok…no big deal, Colleen does giveaways all the time.   I figured this one was in relation to her new book that she co-wrote with Tarryn Fisher, Never Never Part 2, that had just come out.  But no.  BFFE blew my mind with the following conversation:

BFFE:  “She is doing a giveaway with YOUR books in it!! Yea!!”

Me (completely confused and trying to not choke on my kumquat I had just shoved in my gob): “What the what?”

BFFE:  “On Facebook.  I tagged you.  Go look.  For reals”

I now have scrambled to open Facebook on my phone and go to where BFFE has tagged me.  This is what I see:

What are those I spy with my little eye? MY books!!!!!! On Colleen’s giveaway photo!!

I have now choked on my kumquat and scared Ninka Kitten by screaming out loud “HOLY SHITBALLS!”  (Another reason Colleen is like Santa…she makes you scream uncontrollably when something happens like when you get the present of a lifetime). It might have been screamed a few times actually and again I might have peed my pants a little (which we know also happens with Santa by my previous post about my Seester).  The conversation between BFFE and I then continued:

Me (incredulous and can hardly type):  “What is happening in my world?  It feels like a dream that I just got exposed like that by such a huge author.” (Reason #4…Colleen grants dreams like Santa).

BFFE:  “You so deserve it.  Hopefully people will buy your book.  So excited.  Is this cuz you donated some for Bookworm Box? ”

Me:  “I donated them and told her to use them however she wanted, for a giveaway or in the store.  Never did I think she would use them.  Ever.  First the charity announcement and now this…what is happening?  Am I in a parallel world?”

BFFE:  “Crazy awesome.  That is what it is.  Crazy awesome.”

A few more screams might have come out of my mouth as I reposted the giveaway and watched people like my facebook page of The Fat Girl Running (which of course you should go do right now!!)  Also I will now shamelessly provide you the links to both my books pictured above because I would be stupid not to do so!

The Running Experiment and The Revenge of The Sofa (click on the titles to go buy them cuz I know you want to!!  Then leave me a review to tell me how much you liked it.  Shameless plug I know).  Of course they are also available from my publisher InknBeans if you want to support indie publishing (hint, hint)

Today I have watched my twitter get followed, people follow my blog and more followers on Facebook….it is really like a dream that I got exposed like this and I didn’t even have to get naked, sell my soul to the Crossroads Demon and have Dean and Sam save me (although would that be bad?  Nope.) or sacrifice Ninja Kitten in order for this dream to come true.  Ever since my Seester introduced me to Colleen, I feel like things have happened that I would have normally had to do one or more of the above things for them to occur.  All I did was wish like a child on Santa’s lap….although I didn’t sit on Colleen’s lap.  I could have.  Although then I might have looked like some weird stalker if I had babbled about sitting on her lap and climbing on it at ABF when I met her.  Tarryn would have laughed at me…Colleen might have filed a restraining order.  Especially since I probably would have peed my pants in excitement.  Seriously…I need to wear Depends around that woman.  Colleen Hoover is one of the most generous souls I have ever met (like Santa she fulfills dreams, gives away presents, gives of herself and cheer up people with her writing….need I say more?).  I mean look at all she does to give back to people.  I have seen her countlessly give people copies of her books (she gave me an e-copy of a novella once because I was at work and couldn’t get it!) and raises thousands for charities that she just decided to do.  More and more like Santa every day.  Santa sometimes can be seen ringing the Salvation Army bell afterall…raising money like Colleen.  And Santa is magic that is full of good.  Pretty sure the magic that is in Santa is in Colleen.  Thank you from the bottom of my indie author heart.  Thank you Santa Colleen.

Now excuse me while I go back to eating kumquats….because kumquats is why.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover that Colleen Hoover is like Santa Claus but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who got a giant wish answered today and also discovered how much fun it is to eat and say the word kumquat Running.  The experiment continues…

This Is What Happens When BFF Picks Your Topic…..Super Glue

Today in the midst of my writer’s block, I asked BFF what I should write about since usually she can spark me to write something for you all to laugh at.  Want to know what she came up with?  Super glue.  Yup.  You read that right.  She wants me to write about super glue.  All because we were discussing fixing her broken headband today and how I fixed mine last week with super glue.  Hmmmm….super glue.  Ok let’s talk about my recent experience with super glue.  Or as I like to call it…glue that gets everywhere but where you need it glue.

This particular headband was missing a few crystals that I had managed to save when they fell off and since it was one of my favorites, I was determined to fix it.  It can’t be that hard, right?  First off let’s talk about the container the super glue comes in.  The little tube with applicator seems like a good idea to carefully apply your uber sticky substance that seems to never become un-sticky.  I mean what in the world is it made of?  We have all seen the crazy commercial where the dude glues himself in his hard hat to the construction beam to prove how sticky it holds.  Wait….You really want to glue your hard hat to a steel beam and hang there hoping you don’t crash to your fiery death because you relied on super glue?  This seems a little fishy to me to be honest.  I don’t think I would trust my life to some weird unholy product that claims it can glue your noggin to a beam and allow you to dangle over certain death to prove how sticky it is.  Nope.  I will stick with it fixing my headband thank you very much.

Let’s get back to the container.  As I open it, all of it comes out, rushing like sperm escaping in an attempt to fertilize the egg but they just end up making a mess….ladies you know what I am talking about here.  Am I the only one who opens the container and 3/4 of the now crazy glue that gets everywhere but where you need it comes spooging through the tip and proceeds to get all over you, the cat, the table, your clothes…but never any on the item you are gluing?  What the hell?  Now most of my tube of the spawn of satan glue is everywhere but where it should be.  Now there is no way I can make a neat little line of glue as it is now stuck to my fingers.  The entire tube is now stuck like some sort of unholy tentacle creature to my fingers and I do not see a way to get it off, let alone try to fix my headband.  Argghh.  Some of it at this point is probably stuck to the Ninja Kitten and I don’t even want to think about how to get that off.  Scissors might be my best bet there.

Back to the task at hand…the fixing of my headband.  Now that this tube of almost empty alien substance is stuck to my fingers, making me painfully aware that they are not supposed to be webbed together, I attempt to make a nice neat line to glue the crystals back on it in a neat and orderly fashion.  I laugh out loud as nothing comes out of the tube.  Are you freaking kidding me?  I have it everywhere else because like a teenage boy, it cannot control itself and now when I need it the most, it is empty?  Maybe I can scrape some off my fingers.  Nope.  Now my other hand is stuck to that one.  WTF super glue?  I just wanted to glue some crystals down and you punish me by making my hands stick together.  I even go as far as to try to wipe it off on Ninja…hey she was close.  And already trying to remove it from her fur with her tongue,  Damn.  I hope her tongue doesn’t become glued to her fur.  This is a hot freaking mess.  I now have a small bead of super glue finally coming out of the tube and I able to put it on the headband. Not neatly, mind you like they show in the commercials, but somehow my now webbed fingers and I manage to get the crystals in place.  You shall not win today super glue!  Ta-Dah!  I go to triumphantly hold it up in the air with my hands that are glued together like lobster claws and discover I have glued the headband to the paper towel I had put it on.  I look at the headband, my now webbed hands, my clothes, my table, Ninja trying to un-stick her tongue from her fur and try to decide if I open up a new tube and start over.

Fuck it.  I threw away the god damn headband.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did rely on BFF to break me out of my writer’s block and was pleasantly surprised but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with lobster claw hands stuck together with some unholy alien tentacle substance called super glue Running.  The experiment continues…

A New Show At the Next Stoplight…You Are Welcome

BFF and I, in general, usually do not pay attention to what other people think about us and our craziness.  I mean….we are who we are and we tend to have a generally good time when we are together that includes lots of laughter.  So, if we do this around others, consider yourselves lucky.  You are welcome.  When we are in a car, we really have a lot of fun because it usually involves singing at the top of our lungs and jamming out to good music.  My god daughters can attest to this as they have been in many a car ride where BFF and I get down to the music blaring from the speakers.  And I do mean blaring…I don’t listen to music softly.  BFF used to complain about my music level in my car till recently when I got in her car and it was just as loud and we giggled that she was taking lessons from me.  When we were in Phoenix for Little Red’s big day, this was no exception.

We were in my car, driving to the church to do our thing as Little Red’s Godmothers and were talking about something or another when one of our favorite new songs came on…Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars.  What a great song.  You just can’t be in a bad mood with that song.  And unless you have been living under a rock, you know how catchy and dance worthy that song really is (video is down below for your enjoyment).  So, there we were at a stoplight when it cam e on my Zune and BFF turns it up even louder so that I am sure it could be heard for blocks away.  We like to share.  And then it began…RANDOM DANCE PARTY!!!!!  BFF and I are known for shouting this in certain situations (like a ride line at DL or an elevator) and dancing to our heart’s content.  Try it sometime…it will make you laugh, smile and feel good.  So we begin Random Car Dance Partying to heart’s content.  And I mean full on car dancing.  That car was rocking and rolling I tell you.  There was singing, hair tossing, butt wiggling and synchronized arm movements.  No car dancing is complete without synchronized arm movements.  We really are pros at this.  It is a skill I want to put on my resume:  Car Dancing Skill Level:  Expert.  I think this could really help me someday in the workplace.  I mean who wouldn’t want to hire someone with expert level car dancing skills.  I know I would.  The light was long so we enjoyed ourselves for almost the full song and continued car dancing as we turned onto the next street on our way to the church.

Suddenly, I hear honking and see out of the corner of my eye, a truck with some landscaper dudes in it frantically waving at me.  Thinking maybe there is something wrong with my car, I roll down my window to see what they want, the music now spilling out for their enjoyment.  BFF and I look at each other quizzically and then at the truck full of guys as they start cheering, clapping and giving us thumbs up.  We glance at each other and BFF shrugs, not quite knowing what it is they want.  Suddenly, as they hold up a piece of paper with a “10” written on it, it hits us…they must have been behind us at the light and witnessed our epic car dancing show.  We bust out laughing and I yell at them “New show at the next stoplight!”  BFF yells “Any requests?” as the hoots and hollers get louder and suddenly I have a feeling that they might make it rain dollar bills on us at the next stoplight if they could.  They continue clapping as we take little bows and blush a tad bit having been caught in epic car dancing but hey….we need to keep up our skills.  I mean…you are welcome guys in the landcaping truck.  Glad we could make your day more enjoyable with a random dance party.

Take a lesson from BFF and I…turn up your music and have an epic car dance or do a Random Dance Party to the elevator music, the music in the grocery store or the music in your head.  Go right now, turn on Uptown Funk and do it.  You won’t regret it.  You might even get some hoots, claps and some strange landscapers making it rain dollar bills on you while you do….although that last part is a little scary and I might have been afraid for our lives if the landscaper dudes had followed us all the way to the church.  Don’t turn into to SOTL creepers landscaping dudes.  Applauding is ok…creeping is not.  And you are still welcome.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did hone my car dancing skills to the expert level and wonder if the landscaper dudes would turn creeper but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with a BFF who likes to Random Dance Party and apparently we put on a good show at stoplights Running.  The experiment continues…

How To Tell Your Daughter You Fell and Got Hurt: A Guide For My Klutzy Mommy

First of all, I want to wish a Happy Mother’s Day to all those out there that choose to be mothers.  You have a hard job and not one I choose for myself but I respect what you do.  I don’t know how my Mommy did it with three kids and such an age gap between us, but she did.  Being a Mom is hard but sometimes being an adult child with older parents is also hard.  Adult being a relative term, since we all know I don’t adult well.  At all.  As your parents get older, you worry more about their health.  My Mommy, being retired, lives by herself and does a lot of stuff like volunteering for the public library so she is always out and about.  I worry about her even though she only lives 2 hours away because I am afraid I won’t find out till later that something happened.  Last week, my fears came true.

My Mommy and I talk on a regular basis, yet when I am working nights, I don’t always heck in as much as I would like too.  I mean, the world kind of stops when you are working 12 hour night shifts.  Ask any night shift worker and they will tell you the same thing….life revolves around working and sleeping with some meals thrown in there for good measure.  You are lucky if I even get anything else done on those days, like even shower.  Ok maybe sometimes I shower and my co-workers thank me.  But because I work these crazy hours, I sometimes rely on Facebook to keep up with my busy Mommy.  So, I got up on my stretch of working and logged into my phone to catch up before I had to hit the ground running at work.  What do I see as the first status that pops up and is my Mommy’s status?  This: “Now just to show what a klutz I am, I fell in the Fry’s parking lot looking for my car. Somebody with a wheelchair lift on their car left it down on the ground. I now need new lenses & a dental appt. My four front teeth were moved out of place but I put them back by gently pushing on them. The paramedics came & checked me out. I am going to have a black & blue face tomorrow, along with a skinned knee & bloody elbow.”  Wait.  What?  Excuse me?  My Mommy fell and got hurt badly enough that paramedics were called yet she doesn’t call her daughter the NURSE?  Nor did she call my Bestie, her “other” daughter, who lives just a few streets from her to come and check her out or to have her call me.  For reals?  I hear about my Mommy falling from freaking Facebook?  WTF?  And then to top it all off, pictures followed of her black and blue face and her knee.  Ok…now I know she doesn’t always know what days I work because my schedule changes, but it was after 6pm which meant it was safe to call me even if I wasn’t working.  Hello!  Come on…Facebook?  Mom….you have been properly admonished.

I immediately picked up my phone and called my klutzy little Mommy to make sure she was ok. Besides being banged up and shaken, she was indeed ok.  Thank goodness.  The thing with her teeth freaked me out a bit so I told her she better go see a dentist and she agreed.  I also told her what to do for the skin tear on her elbow …you know since I might know a little bit about that stuff.   Sigh.  Your daughter is a NURSE in case you forgot Mommy….a freaking nurse.  And no daughter wants to hear about how you got hurt on Facebook of all things.  In fact, none of your kids want to hear about that through Facebook.  A text or call would be appreciative by any of your kids.  Then, you can put it on social media but for the love of all things good, tell your kids first so they don’t panic.  I was so panicked that I left my house without my lunch because I was talking with my Mommy and had to get my Bubby to run over and bring it to me at work (yeah my Bubby is pretty awesome like that…just saying).  So note to all you older parents out there….tell your kids stuff first before you post on Facebook.  Actually, that s a good rule of thumb for anyone.  For serious.  But I am glad my Mommy is ok and not hurt badly at all.  Just banged up and she had to have her teeth bonded and get new glasses but she is ok.  Guess I know where we all get the klutz gene from.  I mean, my Seester just had to have surgery on her other foot, I am always bruised up to high heaven, and Bubby only has half a thumb due to an unfortunate incident with a circular saw.

I am grateful to have gotten to spend the weekend with my klutzy Mommy for Mother’s Day and told her one more fall and I will wrap her in bubble wrap…or a home.  Either will work.  Does that seem harsh?  Don’t judge. I told you I don’t adult very well and those are the only two adult choices I could come up with to keep her safe.  I think they sound perfectly fine.  And it’s not the first time we have threatened her with a home. Once when my Mommy was looking for a new apartment complex to move into, my Bubby and Seester suggested one that was being built up the road.  The sign clearly said “Convalescent Home” and they knew it.  They might have meant it knowing our Mom’s preclivity to being a klutz.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did have a minor freak out about my finding out my Mommy fell on Facebook and threaten to put her in a home but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl telling older parents how to talk to their adult (or kinda adult in my case since I don’t adult very well) kids Running.  The experiment continues…

The Time BFF and I Try to Adult and I Try to Conquer Childish Fears

April is BFF’s birthday and we like to try to find something fun to do and this year, I treated her to go see the Broadway production of Disney’s Newsies in Tucson.  We love going to Broadway shows and Newsies is one of BFF’s favorite musicals.  So we set out to spend a couple of fun-filled days in Tucson and hit the road.  A road trip with us involves lots of singing, laughter and stopping to shop at every outlet mall we can find…no joke.  BFF and I can shop like nobody’s business and we love a good outlet mall.  We literally stopped at two on this trip.  Once in Tucson, we checked into our hotel and decided on what to do while we were there.  We decided it would be fun to go to Old Tucson Studios, an old west movie studio before going to see the show the next day.

Neither one of us had been to Old Tucson since we were younger so we really could not remember what it was like so it was fun to explore all they had to offer.  It is a real working movie studio so there were actually places we could not go while we were there because there was a production team scouting locations.  We had a lot of fun walking around looking at all the shops, movie memorabilia and watching a bank robbery and gunfight.  Even though there was a permeating smell of horse poo throughout some parts of the town.  Cuz that is pleasant while you try to eat or breathe.  Mmmmm…I love the smell of horse poo in the morning.  We even caught a fun little show that was a tribute to the songs from films that were filmed there. It was fun seeing all the old film clips and hearing the songs we knew from the movies being sung. Plus it is always good when you can sing Bon Jovi from Young Guns II at any point in your day.

Old Tucson even had a haunted mine and the minute I saw it, my heart started pounding in my chest.  We all remember the last time I went into a haunted house, right?  If not check it out here and see why I got so apprehensive.  BFF started talking to the guys at the haunted mine and I knew she wanted to go in.  She could tell from the fear in my eyes that I didn’t want to go but she gently pulled me toward the opening getting the guy to tell us it wasn’t as scary as I thought. He assured us it was Pirates of the Caribbean scary and somehow I was being led into a haunted mine with a death grip on BFF’s hand.  The guide told us that during Halloween, they hire actors to be in there and jump out at people and stuff.  I believe he heard from BFF “Awesome!” and from me “Fuck that!” at the exact same time and he laughed.  He didn’t really understand I meant every word of that.  Pretty sure BFF will have to get Bubby to go back with her at Halloween to do that because I sure as hell won’t go in it if people jump out at me or chase me or anything like that.  It was bad enough I agreed to go in it this time and felt like at anytime I would either pee or shit myself with fear.  That would be fun.  Of course no one would notice either since it was hot out so the pee would dry and the smell of horse poo would cover up the liquid fear that would fill my unders.  Oh who am I kidding…I almost broke BFF’s hand with my fear but I did it.  I will say that I survived the haunted mine without filling my unders with liquid fear and really felt like I deserved a t-shirt that said so but settled for sharing an Icee with BFF.  We love Icees. Who doesn’t love a cherry flavored brain freeze when it is hot out?

We are going to take over the Old West!
Sharing cherry flavored brain freeze.  My reward for going into the haunted mine
We don’t waste Icee!!

After we played like little kids at Old Tucson, we went back to our hotel to be adults and go to Newsies.  Let me tell you something about BFF and I in case you hadn’t figured it out…we are two big kids at heart.  We don’t adult very often and when we do, it often ends up with something childish happening because we just aren’t good at acting like adults at all.  But we try.  We got all dressed up in our little black dresses and high heels and headed out to the theater at U of A.  When we got there, we noticed something….we were WAY over dressed.  Apparently, people in Tucson do not dress up to go to the theater at night like they do in Phoenix.  Most people (and by most I mean 99%) were in jeans, t-shirts, flip-flops, tube tops…you name it that is casual they were dressed in it.  I half expected daisy duke shorts and a half top to be sported by some of the girls complete with hooker heels.  I was so surprised but duly noted Tucson. The next time we come down to a show, we will just come naked or in our pajamas because it felt that casual.  No need to even bring clothes!  We will just do nude showings of Broadway.  The actors won’t even have to picture the audience naked or in their unders to get rid of stage fright, because we won’t wear anything!  So I guess there was no need for us to try to adult that night since everyone else didn’t.  Even though we were over dressed, we had a grand time and the show was AMAZEBALLS!  It is one to put on your list to see for sure!  Do it!  Right now! Hope you had a happy birthday BFF….glad I could share it with you!!

How to tell when there are girls in a hotel room
Newsies! Happy Birthday BFF!
This is what happens when you ask us to adult.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did try to brave my childish fears by going into a haunted mine and tried to adult by going to a Broadway show but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who is glad I didn’t fill my unders with liquid fear and who got to enjoy cherry flavored brain freeze for BFF’s birthday Running.  The experiment continues…