Kristann Monaghan's Blog, page 12
January 11, 2015
Being An Adult is Stupid
When we are children, we find all sorts of things to get excited about. A new bike, sleep over with our friends, a birthday party. You name it, children get excited about it. As adults, it is harder to find stuff to get excited about. We might get excited about a vacation, a new baby, a wedding, but those events also lead us to some stress. I find it hard to balance the stress with the happy sometimes as I am sure most people do. We just don’t have that childish joy that comes with having no responsibility and going on a vacation to say Disneyland, Don’t get me wrong, I still get excited about these things, but just not like a child. Children jump up and down, squeal with delight and get really big grins on their faces or double over in laughter. There is nothing like watching the delight and excitement of a child. This being said, I have to share with you something that made me happy and excited and also realize how lame I sometimes am.
Because of working nights for so long, a lot of times my body does not like to sleep at night (hence why some of these blogs like this one are written in the wee hours of the morning). I get these weird bursts of energy at odd times at night that cause me to do things like blog, read, binge watch on Netflix, clean or even surf the internet for midget porn. The night before a shift, I tend to stay up late so that I might sleep during the day and be well rested for the night shift. I usually end up binge watching Netflix on these nights and trying not to stuff my gob with mini-marshmallows or a can of whipped cream. This is a real problem. How is it that a can of whipped cream can be gone so fast when you just decide to put a couple of squirts in your mouth? I mean, for reals, you shouldn’t realize that awhile later that the can is empty. Ugh. I am just saying I should not be trusted with a can of whipped cream. True story.
Tonight was no exception to the staying up late before my first shift, binge watching CSI: Miami and getting weird bursts of energy. Here it was, a Saturday night, and I was chilling at home. BFF was called off at work, so she was up late as well, having slept all day. so we were texting back and forth while both binge watching shows. I got one of those weird bursts of energy and decided to do a little cleaning. I got new laminate flooring (that is a subject for another blog) a month ago and have been trying to find ways to keep it clean. BFF and I had bought a new dust mop system and I decided to try it out since my floors needed sweeping…an ongoing issue for those of you with laminate flooring will understand. The following are our text messages from this whole experience:
Me: “What are you watching?”
BFF: “Guess!”
Me: “Star Trek: DS9 “
BFF: “I swear you are psychic! What are you watching?”
Me: “Guess!”
BFF: “Some reality show something”
Me: “Nope. CSI: Miami!”
BFF: “I should have guessed!”
Me: “I love binge watching” (I get a burst of energy and decide to get off my flass and get some blood flow back to it and try out the new dust mop system)
BFF: “Me too.”
Me: “And I am gonna try out my new dust mop!” (I am putting together said new mop as I typed)
BFF: “Exciting on a Saturday night.” (At this point I have started to dust mop my floors and am thrilled with the results)
Me: “Right? Ok…my new dust mop is awesome! I am so excited!”
BFF: “Glad you are enjoying your new dust mop so much. Weird but glad you are excited” (I can hear her laughing practically as she texts)
Me: “Being an adult is stupid.”
BFF: “That made me laugh! And I think that is a blog”
Me: “What is?”
BFF: “The joy you just got out of a new dust mop and dust mopping your floors on a Saturday night.”
Me: “Being an adult really is stupid.”
Pretty sure those words have never rung truer. When you get joy and excitement out of dust mopping your floors on a Saturday night, being an adult really is stupid.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did realize how lame my life has gotten as I got excited over a new dust mop but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl speaking the truth about being an adult Running. The experiment continues…
December 23, 2014
Boss Bean’s Angels
Until recently, I had never met my publisher. You see, Inknbeans is located in California and it is not like I have a private jet at my disposal to jet around meeting people. I mean if anyone wants to loan me their private jet, I would be glad to take advantage of it. Think of all the cool places I could go. Oh who am I kidding? You know I would just use it to fly to DL. Speaking of…at my birthday trip to the House of Mouse, I was fortunate enough to finally meet the head of Inknbeans, who we all lovingly call Boss Bean. I was super excited when she suggested we meet up and that she would meet us for lunch. Plans were made and we even discussed what we were wearing…I felt like I was a spy meeting with my contact in a busy restaurant for my next assignment. Although, I must admit, I loved that Boss Bean said she was going to be wearing a Mickey Mouse top hat with a sprig of holly….jolly good sport that Boss Bean.
Now don’t get me wrong, I had skyped with Boss Bean, but her image was never on the Skype calls and no live video feed, so really I had no idea what she looked like. It really was like a secret agent meeting in a restaurant. BFF and I decided that since I had never met her, that maybe she was really like Charlie on Charlie’s Angels. We wondered if a speaker box would greet us at Tortilla Joe’s and Boss Bean’s voice would materialize saying “Good Afternoon Angels” and we would be given our secret mission to be completed in DL…a mission sure to include a Dole Whip or two. I mean, really…what secret mission wouldn’t include Dole Whip? We also wondered…would the speaker box have the Mickey Top Hat on it all jaunty like? What would her secret mission be? Run through DL throwing pie at people and shouting Viva #FatGirlRevolution? Hold up copies of my book on the rides that take photos so everyone can see it? Needless to say, we eagerly waited in anticipation of our meeting.
The day of our meeting with Boss Bean, we walked into Tortilla Joes and I have to admit…I was slightly nervous. I was not sure what to expect out of the meeting. Would she tell me she was disappointed in me? Would they let me go? Would I get a slap on the wrist for my lack of commas? BFF was afraid she would make a fool out of us and I would have to banish her to the bathroom to eat guacamole in a stall. Gross. We were unsure as to who to look for besides the speaker because honestly, I didn’t think she would really wear the Mickey top hat. When we didn’t see anyone in the lobby of the restaurant, we sat down to wait to see who else might be looking for someone. Luckily, the hostess came back and said she thought our Boss Bean was already in there and led us to a table. There sat, not a speaker box, but a wonderful woman who indeed had a Mickey top hat complete with a sprig of holly on it!! We half expected her to still say “Hello Angels” but were so excited at the prospect of meeting her that we might have talked at lightening speed for the two hours we sat there eating. Good thing Boss Bean can keep up with us and laugh with us (or at us sometimes). BFF jokingly told her about how we thought she was like the elusive Charlie and she giggled, telling us the reason there were no pictures of her on the website or on Skype because she is NOT the face of Inknbeans…the authors are the face of Inknbeans. Yup…pretty sure I made the right decision on publishing houses. I cannot say enough how wonderful Boss Bean is and how much she means to me. She took a chance on a Fat Girl and shined me up like a new penny I tell ya. And she has a great sense of humor. It is not everyone that can keep up with BFF and I word for word, but she can.
Lots of guacamole and food later, none of which BFF had to eat in the bathroom stall since she behaved herself, we reluctantly said good-bye to the Boss Bean. We would have loved to have taken her into DL and played, but she had to do things like work and promote books and such things of that nature. Much to my relief, she did not tell me I sucked or that they did not want to publish me anymore. BFF and her already named book 3 so I guess I had better get blogging more!! I told you I had a lot to catch you up on…We all parted ways, with Boss Bean walking away in the sunshine, jaunty Mickey top hat on her head, just like Charlie was always portrayed walking down the beach. Except we weren’t on a beach and she isn’t Charlie but you get the point. It was a great meeting…one I cannot wait to repeat because she is not only my publisher, but also a friend. Love Boss Bean!!
And she might have given me a special mission….one I cannot tell you or I would have to kill you but one I am working on now. It might have involved throwing pie at random people in DL but we won’t discuss that either. You shall just have to stay tuned to see what comes of this special mission she handed to me…one of her Angels.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did, however, meet up with my publisher in person and have a wonderful meeting complete with guacamole, laughter and a jaunty Mickey top hat complete with a sprig of holly. I am Fat Girl who is also a Boss Bean Angel with a a secret mission Running. The experiment continues…
December 22, 2014
Discovering BFF and I Can Feed a Small Nation and Lemon Flavored Beverages
I had this little thing happen in my life recently. You might have heard. A certain book came out…The Revenge of the Sofa and if you have not gotten your copy yet, I want to know why not! I mean, don’t you like to laugh, eat pie, read about BFF and I getting into all sorts of situations, cry, and laugh through your tears? There really is no reason. So go on…do it….grab a copy and some pie and read. I decided to have a book release party like I did for the first book so that family, friends and co-workers could grab their copies, I could write something witty inside and sign my Jane Hancock on it. Plus, any excuse to eat cake is a good excuse. I mean, really, do you need another reason? I think not. So, BFF and I went to the party store and got everything pink you could find. It might have looked like a cotton candy machine barfed in there but hey…I like pink. So cotton candy barf pink it was.
A local photographer, Anna LaBenz offered for me to use her studio for the party and I was excited. She has this amazing space with lots of room to host such a gathering. She even has a fun chalkboard wall where people could write messages…we might have had a little too much fun with that one. Appropriate or not, we had great messages left by those who love The Fat Girl. Not only did we have cake, but we had cookies, Skittles, ice tea and what was supposed to be lemonade but BFF and I quickly determined was yellow flavored drink. That did not taste like lemonade at all. I am not sure what it tasted like…it didn’t taste bad, but I for sure would not call it lemonade. We might have overestimated the need for so many things to nosh on but that is hey…an Irish and a Mexican planned this little soire and we always overestimate food. We are afraid there will not be enough bit really we had enough to feed some small country in Africa. BFF and I could have single-handedly ended hunger in that country…ok that might be a tad over exaggerated, but you get the picture. Lots of sweets to give you Diabeetus. Because nothing says you love my books like Diabeetus.
The party was a ton of fun and I loved seeing everyone coming to get their copies of The Revenge of the Sofa. I also had lots of belly laughs over the messages left to me on the wall. It was a great group of people coming out to support me and I loved every minute. I even loved that a certain little 2-year-old decided she would sample all the flavors of cookies by taking a small two-year old bite out of each one and then putting them back on the tray. Her Momma tried to find them all but might have missed a couple which we laughed about as we were cleaning up. So take a gander at the fun you missed:
Oh this cake….so delish. Even the fondant…how is that even possible?
I like my couch…a lot but not the lemon flavored drink…
Mmmmmm…couch
BFF kicks off the messages…
…with this
Pocket GF….what is dis?
So, if you have not yet gotten in on the #FatGirlRevolution and gotten your book yet, Then here are the links for ya to do so. Also leaving a review on whatever various site you want would be awesome!! So get your copy of Revenge of the Sofa on Amazon or Barnes and Noble and get reading…and laughing.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did however realize that when BFF and I plan a smallish hootnanny, it turns into feeding a small nation, but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl who does not like the lemon flavored beverage about as much as I don’t like the new green Skittles Running. The experiment continues…
November 30, 2014
Wait…You Want Me to Speak? Out Loud? In Public? Gulp
Sorry about the lack of writing lately…life took off in the fast lane and I am just now catching up, which means I have A LOT to share with all of you! So be on the look out for a few blogs in the coming weeks instead of just one a week. First off, for you Nook readers, the book finally got posted as a nook book so get yours now here. That should satisfy you nookies who have been waiting anxiously for the laughter. Speaking of the book, I had a book signing in Mesa at the beginning of the month. One of the chapters of the organization that owns my alma mater, Cottey College, the PEO Sisterhood had an event that they invited me to and I went to sell/sign copies of my new book.
BFF and I went and had a nice time shopping the day before the event and had dinner with BFFE and her Hubby. At dinner, I see the email notification on my phone and I quickly look and it is from the gal organizing the event, so I read it. And almost choked on my steak. Wait…they want me to do what? Speak? Out loud? In public? No….I read it again. and yes that is what it said. I must have gone pale because BFFE asked me what was wrong with me. I squeaked out “They want me to speak tomorrow.” BFF looked at me incredulously and clarified what I had said “They want you to speak? Out loud?” There is one thing that I hate…public speaking. I am one of those people who get so nervous speaking and usually turn bright red the entire time. Like the kind of red that makes SOTL Man come over and ask if I am ok red. BFF knows how much I don’t like to speak to people…she has to encourage me to talk at my signings sometimes because the introvert in me takes over and I cannot find the words to speak to people. Seriously. Believe it or not, I really am an introvert and super shy around groups of people. The thought of having to get up and talk to strangers about myself and my books made me want to back out of the event right then and there. Giving the Maid of Honor speech at my sister’s wedding about did me in and that was in front of mostly family! What the heck was I gonna say? Should I read out loud and not talk at all? Wait…that still involves talking at some basic level. I had no idea what I was gonna say or how I was gonna be able to fill 15 whole minutes with my babbling and stammering. Of course, it might take me the full 15 minutes to just remember my own name and squeak it out. BFF told me she was glad I did not have any more time to think about this because I would have worried even more about it. She told me just to get up and talk about myself off the cuff and see what happened. Of course that could be disastrous…
I decided to follow BFF’s advice and to just go with whatever came out of my mouth and really hoped I didn’t just say fuck over and over. I mean the crowd couldn’t be that big, right? We get to the event and all the ladies are SUPER nice and welcoming…there is even a sign that says author behind my name. How awesome is that? We got set up, ran to the potty to adjust the spanx and the gal who was in charge gave me an itinerary which showed me speaking first. Wait…first? So now, not only do I have to speak but I have to speak first? BFF pointed out at least I would get it over with and then could concentrate on selling books and signing them. Good point. Ok I can do this. My Bubby and Pocket GF show up and I tell them I have to speak (Bubby totally sympathizes with me) but at least I know I can look at him if I get super nervous. More and more people arrive. I notice how many chairs are set up…are they expecting this many people? People start sitting and the seats get fuller and fuller. Now I am getting nervous. The PEO gals get up and start talking to people with a MIC…I have to use a MIC? Ok panic is starting to set in and I feel the nervous sweats starting. Yikes, This could end up with me in a puddle of my own sweat and possibly pee standing in front of a group of people. Would that sell books? The PEO gal then says something about questions and answers. I am sorry…did I hear you right? Now I have to answer questions from the audience. The puddle might include vomit soon. It might be like that scene in Pitch Perfect where she is singing and then vomits. Yeah….that might be me showering the front three rows with my lunch. Awesome.
I am finally announced after what seems like an eternity and I walk up to the front of the room…now about 60 people full. Holy cow. I can feel the blush starting already. I start speaking and thank goodness no vomit comes out. A puddle of sweat is forming in my bra, but luckily not running down my legs yet. I see my Momma, my Bestie, her Momma and my Reds walk in and the girls wave to me, making me smile. My BFFE and her Hubby quickly fall in to the room and I feel relived to see so many faces I know already. Then, to my surprise, my college roomie Susan Bennett…the one who is responsible for me getting published…walks in and sits. Now, feeling more at ease, I continue speaking about my life, writing and my books. I take questions and cannot believe it when I answer the question “What is the one advice you would give someone working out?” with “Wear the right underwear!” The audience starts laughing immediately and I wanted to say right then and there “Fat Girl Running has left the building” and drop the mic on the floor and walk back to my table. It would have been awesome! But I instead, answer more questions, get a little teary discussing my friend Amy, and talk about how much Cancer sucks. When I am done, even though I am shaking, I am glad to see lots of laughing and smiling and a huge line quickly forms at my table to buy books (ok yes some of them were my family and friends, but still…). I did well, selling books, the redness from my face eventually disappeared and I enjoyed myself immensely. I reconnected with my college roomie briefly and another Cottey grad from our class. I also avoided vomiting all over the front rows or leaving a puddle of pee in the front of the room. All in all, I must say it was a success.
Holy Hannah…do you see how big that crowd is? Can you see me sweating?
Look the front rows are not covered in vomit!
The wonderous Susan Bennett and I…why have you not checked out her books yet? Ignore my beet red face
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I almost ended up in a pure panic and puddle of sweat, pee and vomit over speaking in public but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl red-faced speaking out loud in public AUTHOR Running. The experiment continues…
November 3, 2014
Want Some Instant Gratification?
Halloween was especially fun this year. Not only is it my favorite holiday, but a book came out that I have been looking forward to…you may have heard of it. It is called The Running Experiment: The Revenge of the Sofa! Woot Woot! That’s right…my second book came out this weekend!! Best last weekend in October ever! The book went live on the internets and I was thrilled. So get your copies today…look I will even make it easy for you and provide you with the links. Go get some instant gratification!
Go and get your copy today! I promise you laughter…and yes a few tears but also lots of laughter. You know you want to read some stuff that was written especially for the book and never published here at all!! Also, if you are going to be in the Phoenix are and want a signed copy for yourself and a few extra copies for friends or family, then come on down to the Authors and Artists Event. It will be held at 2719 S. Reyes in Mesa on November 9th from 3-5pm and I will be signing books and chatting with peeps! Here is the facebook link: https://www.facebook.com/AuthorsAndArtists Check out this great event with 3 authors and lots of art being raffled off for the PEO organization, who own my beloved alma mater Cottey College. I hope to see lots of fans there…and BFF will be there too so don’t b shy to ask us for a pic! Bubby, Pocket GF, my Mom, Bestie and BFFE will also be there at some point so you can stalk all your favorite characters from my books! Fun times!
Speaking of the newest book, Boss Bean once again surprised me and when the book went live, she asked me to check out the “look inside” feature on Amazon. I did, thrilled I could read my dedication and acknowledgements and then…there it was…a foreword. Wait…I didn’t write a foreword. As I started to read, I realized this foreword was written by my Bubby and it is so beautiful that I started to cry. And not nice pretty cry but ugly cry. I realized that the love I have for my siblings is shared by them…never say an age difference can’t make you close. We are proof that it can and it does. Thank you Bubby…now I almost feel bad about throwing you down the laundry chute…almost.
So hurry…click on the links, buy your copies, bring them to me to sign…what ever you would like. Stalk me at events. I like it. Some call it stalking, I call it love. Plus, you know you want to read about Elvis, Disneyland, Comicon, and my battle with the Big C. The one thing that is bittersweet is that the book is dedicated in part to my sweet friend Amy, who bravely lost her battle with breast cancer on Nov 1st so she never got to read my dedication or laugh at the antics in the book. I am glad my first book brought her so much laughter through her battle. Her gentle soul is missed greatly by us all that were lucky enough to be a part of her life journey. God speed Amy…cancer fucking sucks. So now go by the book for Amy…nice pity plug there, eh?
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did discover this great book had been released this weekend that you are gonna love but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl with a SECOND book that just came out Running. The experiment continues…
October 30, 2014
Bubby’s Saddest Halloween
I am all decorated for Halloween at my house! The two graveyards are up and running with new skeleton bones, black cats, a zombie gnome, and even a zombie flamingo. Classic. Of course, as you get nearer to my door, the cuteness factor happens with springy dancing pumpkins, a giant witch’s hat and even a doormat that cackles at you. I love Halloween. It happens to be my favorite holiday. I love dressing up, the decorations, everything about Halloween. When I was a teen, I loved dressing up and taking my younger siblings trick or treating. It never got old. Nowadays, I like to go to BFF’s house and see the hoards of children that come over there since they live near a school that BFF’s Momma works at, so all the kids know her. It is loads of fun. Thinking of Halloween, made me remember one of the saddest Halloweens my poor Bubby has ever had.
My Bubby must have been about four years old…old enough to be super excited about going trick or treating with me. He could hardly stand it…I can’t even remember what his costume was going to be but knowing my parents, something handmade and awesome. My Dad used to always dress up as Dracula and go trick or treating with us….He is so awesome. He even made a shirt with a bloody stake coming out of it and real vampire fangs. My parents were always great with Halloween and obviously understood how much I loved it as well. So, there we were, the night before Halloween and everyone, but me, was outside enjoying the fall weather of Phoenix. Not being an outdoor girl, I was inside curled up on the couch with a book (did you expect anything less?). The little ones were playing with several ride on toys, including one that we called “the chicken” although now I find out it was supposed to be a banana. Who makes a ride on banana? Apparently Tyke Toys does. Because every child wants to ride a giant yellow banana with a face and hair on it. Because that isn’t what nightmares are made of at all. Why don’t they just make a clown toy to ride on with its creepy face? To make it even creepier, this didn’t even have a mouth. Because bananas don’t have mouths but they have hair? Here…I shall show you…because apparently they still make this creepy ride on toy for children.
Because every child asks for a giant banana to ride on
Bubby LOVED this toy so much that when he saw it in the toy store a few years prior, he rode it all around and refused to get off it. He even screamed when my Dad attempted to remove him from it, so home it came with us. Now, at this point, since he was about 4, Bubby was really too old to ride the said “chicken” as he called it. But he was NOT, in any way shape or form, going to let our 2-year-old Seester ride on it. There was some sort of shoving match and Bubby took control of the “chicken” and started to ride it down the driveway. I was blissfully unaware of any incidents happening outside as I was lost in my book. I suddenly heard a blood curdling scream, followed instantly by one in my Mother’s voice and my sister wailing….LOUDLY. The door from the garage was flung open and my Dad came running into the house, Bubby tucked under his arm like a football. My Mom was following closely screaming and crying. My baby Seester was still screaming and crying in the driveway and I could not figure out what had happened, I quickly got up to get my Seester, who had been abandoned in the driveway and was shrieking her head off, matching the cacophony that was now occurring in the bathroom with Mom and Dad yelling at each other and Bubby crying at the top of his lungs. It was then I saw a trail of blood from the garage leading to the bathroom. Seester’s screaming had now reached epic proportions and I still had no idea what had happened so I ran out to get her. And walked into my own private horror movie. There was blood everywhere. All over the driveway, the chicken, the garage and my Seester had apparently fallen and walked in some of it and made little bloody hand and footprints everywhere before sitting in the pool of blood on the driveway. Good lord! This all had just happened within a few minutes….why did it look like a scene from the movie Halloween out here? I felt like this:
What happened?
I picked up the bloody baby and ran back into the house in time to hear my Mom (who is not the calmest person in a crisis) asking my Dad what to do while she is still screaming and crying. Dad yells at her to get the car keys because he was calling the oral surgeon and he yells at me to go be with Bubby. I went into the bathroom where poor Bubby, also a bloody mess, was sitting on the counter with his tongue hanging on by a thin chunk. And I mean thin. It was pretty gnarly. Looking back on it, I probably should not have taken Seester into the bathroom with me as she started screaming again and it might be where her fear of blood originated. I mean, if I was 2 and starred in my own private Halloween movie toddling around in blood in my bare feet and seeing my Bubby’s tongue barely hanging on, I might be afraid of blood as well. Poor Bubby, after shoving Seester off the “chicken”, rode it down the driveway and hit a crack in the pavement. He then toppled forward, being to big to ride on the “chicken”in the first place, and landed on his chin on the cement, biting through his tongue in the process. And I don’t mean a little bit. He almost bit the whole thing off. It was super gnarly and I quickly wet a washcloth and put it around his sad tongue and had him hold it thorough his crying and screaming. Mom and Dad came back in and grabbed him, going to the oral surgeon that my Dad knew through the military because as Dad said he “was not about to let some resident sew the tongue back on”. I was left, stunned at the peaceful book read that had been interrupted, with a bloody Seester, still crying, in my arms and wondering what to do. Needless to say, baby Seester was bathed, rocked and fed ice cream. After putting her to bed, I went and attempted to clean up the mini horror movie in the garage while awaiting the rest of the bloody family to get back.
Bubby came home, pale and sedated, with a tongue that had been sewn back on with a lot of stitches. Poor Bubby. Mom and Dad put him to bed and I was thanked for cleaning up the mini horror movie in the house and garage. The next day, poor Bubby’s tongue was so swollen he could not even put it in his mouth. It just hung out there, stitches and all. He couldn’t hardly eat or talk so it was decided by the parental units that trick or treating was out for the little man. Fresh tears ran down his face as he realized he couldn’t go and watched me and Seester get ready. We tried to make giving out candy to other kids seem exciting. Bubby was so mad, he went out to the garage, picked up “chicken” and threw it down, breaking one of the wheels and thereby putting the poor chicken/banana to rest. Seester and I went out with my friends and we collected candy for poor Bubby so he could eat it later when his tongue wasn’t so swollen and told his sad story to every door we went to get even more candy. It was his saddest Halloween ever. Needless to say, Bubby’s tongue healed beautifully and his speech or eating the shit ton of candy we collected was not affected.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die toady. Instead, I remembered one of the saddest Halloween Bubby has ever experienced and might have determined where Seester’s fear of blood comes from. I am Fat Girl who once was part of her own personal mini horror movie Running. The experiment continues…
October 18, 2014
A BIG Reveal (Cue Dramatic Music Now)
Sometimes I feel as if my life is nothing but some wild ride in my imagination. I cannot even fathom the situations BFF and I find ourselves in, let alone the fact that people actually read my blog, buy my books and that a publisher actually publishes me. This month has been a whirlwind so far in that realm as I have been preparing for the release of the second installment of my Running Experiment. Yup…you read that right, the SECOND book is due to come out soon my sweet readers. So open up your pocketbooks and get ready for some laughter. There are even book exclusive essays for you to read…never published before. I am so thrilled!! Thrilled that Inknbeans took another chance on me…a simple Fat Girl who doesn’t mind putting her life out there for you all to read. Viva la Fat Girl Revolution!! What? It’s a thing…I am gonna make it a thing anyways…let’s make it our new hashtag with everything. #FatGirlRevolution I see it catching on..I wanna see it trend on Twitter because that would be awesome!
In all this prep work that my wonderful publisher, the Boss Bean, has put into my book, has been the discussion of a cover and a book title. Immediately, BFF said that the title HAD to be The Revenge because all good sequels are the revenge or the return of something. I laughed and quickly dismissed her title idea because I never thought Boss Bean would go for it. But BFF does have a point. I mean sequels are usually about revenge, right? And since I didn’t go anywhere, the return really didn’t make sense. Where would I be returning from? The sofa? The edge? The brink? Where are these places anyways? I mean do you have to travel to them? Can you say to your family “Yeah I decided to take my vacation this year to The Brink”? Pretty sure everyone would flock there and it would no longer be this elusive thing and then we would have to start a travel club and all sorts of things. Way too much work for me. I prefer just to be The Revenge. What do I have to be revengeful about? Hmmmm….good question. The sofa? Cancer? The Brink? I have no idea but it is a good idea. I like to create mayhem, remember, and a Fat Girl Revenge could involve many things but for sure throwing hummus. Why hummus? Because chickpeas. That is all.
This week, Boss Bean emailed me the new updated cover for my book. You may have seen what we originally thought was going to be my book entitled The Running Experiment: A Weekly Walk Away From the Sofa Book 2 Further From the Sofa. I had that cover posted for a while on Facebook (and if you don’t follow me there or on twitter you are surely missing out!) but then she told me she had a surprise for me! Unlike my weirdo BFF, I like surprises. She sent it to me in my email when I was in the midst of a rousing game of Clue with my Redheaded god-daughters and BFF and there was lots of squealing and jumping up on down…and not on the Reds part. Best. Cover. Ever. Wanna see it? Ok…cue dramatic reveal music here…
Have I said how much I love my publisher Inknbeans?
There you have it! The cover for the new book! Squee! BFF got her wish and the title is one I completely owe to her. So thank BFF next time you see her for such an awesome book title. Soon I shall have a preorder link as well to share with you lovelies. Can you hardly stand it? I cannot! I am even dancing now…at work…to celebrate…to Shake It Off of course. Fat Girl Dance of Joy!
On another slightly revealing note to celebrate, I am down 8.2 pounds on Nutrisystem! Woot Woot! Maybe I will be the Skinny Girl Running….nah….I will always have an inner Fat Girl for sure. But, in one month I have lost 8.2 pounds! This is the lowest I have been in a very long. Thank you Nutrisystem for getting me to lose weight, feel full and still enjoy food like I like to enjoy it. This is a great program and I cannot tout it enough to all you other Fat Girls out there. They have counselors on-line you can even talk to about things like taking a vacay to The Brink to help you through it. I mena we have all been there. So come back from The Brink and Shake It Off….you can do it…I am!
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did get a HUGE surprise in the form of The Revenge but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl coming back from The Brink to have The Revenge of the Sofa AND losing 8.2 pounds Running, #FatGirlRevolution The experiment continues…
September 25, 2014
Real Life Numbers and How I am Changing Them…Fat Girl Makes A Life Decision
So I didn’t want to say anything until a week had passed and I stepped on the scale for the first time, but I made a decision last week to really get on the move and lose some weight. Part of my motivation was my health screening at work where I was shocked and disheartened to see my BMI was 36.2. Yup, you read that one right…36.2 puts me in the obese category. I had also gained weight and was up to 217…ugh. You see I am not afraid to share these numbers with you because this is real life stuff, readers, and I know some of you struggle as much as I do in this weight loss journey. Go ahead, share you numbers with me…don’t be ashamed…I am serious. These are my real life numbers and I am out to change them. I am done with toying around with trying to lose weight on my own. I have tried numerous diets over the years, including trying to Weight Watchers again this year with little success. I am going to be honest…I cannot do this on my own. I end up sabotaging myself and not even caring if I am eating a huge thing of Skittles or fast food every night for dinner. That BMI is horrid as is that number on the scale. SO I made a life decision after talking to my wonderful college roomie who has recently lost over 30 pounds and understands my struggle. I joined Nutrisystem.
Why Nutrisystem? I needed something easy. Something I didn’t have to think about. Where my food was spelled out for me, yet allowed me the flexibility to eat out and make better choices when I do so. Plus, working nights is horrid with trying to lose weight. You would think that a hospital cafeteria would have soe healthy options, but nope. Everything they serve in the middle of the night is deep-fried or covered in sauce and really your only option is to grab a salad from the salad bar, which is sometimes gross itself. I can only eat so much salad as well and 3-4 nights in a row it gets super-duper old. Not to mention, they have no decent fat-free or low-fat salad dressings. So, I usually end up grabbing something off the grill along with chips and pudding or something like that. I needed help. I needed something to be easy and I could bring with me to work. That would force me to follow it because I spent money. That is also a motivator. When you spend money to get yourself to lose weight, it really does help. So, after talking to my best support system, BFF, I made the decision to buck it up and join Nutrisystem to change my life. I want to not shop in the Fat Girl section in the store. I want to go into a dress store and slide into a cute dress like BFF does and walk out with several outfits. I am tired of being the Fat Friend. I joined Nutrisystem knowing it would be hard for me to cheat on it because I would feel guilty with all my food already handed to me. My college roomie assured me that the food tasted good and it was super easy to follow. I need super easy in my life, So, late one night I went online and joined…my heart pounding in my chest as I entered my weight and my BMI and picked my plan. I even made a member page so you all can stalk me under the name ladymiryaa. Go ahead…stalk me. Some call it stalking, I call it love…Fat Girl love.
I chose to customize my food mostly because of my nut allergy, but also because I knew if I didn’t pick food that sounded good to me that I would immediately have trouble sticking to it and try to sabotage myself. So I picked what I thought I might enjoy and waited. My plan came with both what Nutrisystem calls the Grab and Go items and frozen items. I must admit, I was curious as to how the frozen food was going to arrive at my doorstep. The Grab and Go items came first…in a HUGE box and immediately I knew I needed some place to store it as my pantry is not that big. So I purchased a rolling three drawer cart that I could seperate the meals into and set about doing that. I was excited at the prospect of starting right away the following day even though the frozen items had not arrived yet. BFF and I excitedly texted about all my food and I read all the materials sent with it so I knew what I was doing (or at least hoped so!). The next morning, I got up and started off my day eating a breakfast item…a cinnamon roll of all things! I mean, come on, who doesn’t like a weight loss program that includes dessert every day and sweet things for breakfast? This Fat Girl was thrilled that I could pick ice cream and cinnamon rolls! Hello sweet yum nummies that I do not have to give up! I was pleasantly surprised that the food was not gross and didn’t taste like diet food or chemically at all. We all know I have tried diet programs before, like the liquid shake one that tasted like I was drinking chemically laced fluid every time I drank one. I might have turned slightly into a Borg with that one (you will be assimilated!) and this food did not give me that impression what so ever. I was surprised by a knock on my door later when the UPS guy delivered a large styrofoam cooler with ice in the lid containing all my frozen items. This styrofoam cooler was seriously ig enough to hide a body in it…well maybe you would have to dismember a little to fit a whole body in it. Not like I have those thoughts…but it did cross my mind that maybe that was what I was gonna find when I opened it. I was relieved it was just my frozen Nutrisystem items and not a dismembered body. Whew! Those quickly got put away and the cooler thrown in my trash for the next serial killer or SOTL Man to find and use to dispose of his Fat Girls he is keeping to get their skins. Now he will know he can’t have me when he realizes that the cooler came out of my garbage can and I am trying to not be one of his Fat Girl prizes. Take that SOTL Man!!
So, this leads me to this morning…one week on Nutrisystem and stepping on the scale for the first time. I was nervous, scared, and excited all at the same time. I stepped on, took a deep breath and looked down…wait. That can’t be right. Let me step off and step back on…yup same number. I better check a third time…so I did…same result. A Naked Fat Girl Dance of Joy ensued…down 2.8 pounds to 214.2!! WHAT?????? Yup, you read that right! 2.8 pounds gone off this Fat Girl body!! Hello being below 215 for the first time in years. This feels amazing. When I went and logged my weight, Nutrisystem happily told me that my BMI was now down to 35.7…even that made me happy!! I am super proud of myself and I love all the support I am getting from my friends, my Bubby and Pocket GF. I couldn’t do it without the support system. Tonight starts my first time back at work since I started Nutrisystem so adjusting the program to working nights will be a slight challenge but I know I can do it because I want to see more numbers like that…numbers that get smaller!! Cheers to Nutrisystem!
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did decide to change my life and wonder if the styrofoam cooler that could hide a dismembered body in it would be stolen out of my trash by SOTL man to put his Fat Girls in but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl sharing her real life numbers and down 2.8 pounds Running!! The experiment continues…
September 22, 2014
Going to the Chapel….Fat Girl and BFF Style
As I wrote before, BFF and I went up to Seattle to see our sweet friends with the twins (remember the icy pelts of death on the roller coaster in DL?) get hitched. G and C are from our town but most of their families live up on that coast so they planned this gorgeous outdoor wedding on Whidbey Island. What a wonderful place for a wedding I must say. Having never been to that area of the country, BFF and I were unsure what we were to expect but I tell you…we immediately turned to each other and asked if we could come back! So beautiful and so much to see and do (I shall save our touristy antics for the next blog). But let’s focus on wedding antics for this blog because only a wedding that BFF and I go to can have this many shenanigans. So let’s go to the chapel…Fat Girl and BFF style.
G and C were gracious enough to invite all their guests to the rehearsal dinner held at a family member’s house. Only my sweet G would extend such a wonderful invitation. I must say the spread was something to leave your mouth-watering and a delight for a Fat Girl as the groomsmen all went deep-sea fishing and caught salmon, halibut and crab for all of us to eat. They set it up buffet style (YESSSSSSS! Fat Girl’s favorite word!!) and we proceeded to gorge ourselves on the deliciousness that had come from the sea. I swear we made several, unabashed trips up to the table, even sending one of the other girls to get us more crab. We couldn’t help it. I didn’t even care if I didn’t fit in my dress…isn’t that what Spanx are for? How could you when all that food was there to be eaten? I just wanted crabs…in my mouth…wait. Nope…that wasn’t right…but you get it.
Holy slabs of salmon Batman!
Got crabs? In my mouth….wait that didn’t sound right
The day of the wedding, we were stoked that it was a morning wedding so that we didn’t have to try to figure out something to do all day. So, BFF and I got up and started getting ready. Immediately, in true Fat Girl style, I realized I had not tried on my bra with my dress and it showed. Also, I forgot my strapless bra….oh boy…what the heck was I gonna do? Luckily, BFF travels very well prepared like a Girl Scout and had safety pins in her bag so we pinned the bra to my dress straps so I wouldn’t have to go braless and bounce around all free like. Nobody needs to see that. We got in our rental car and started driving to the town about 20 miles away for the wedding with plenty of time to spare. First mistake was thinking that there was plenty of time to get there as we got behind the slowest driver in the world on a two lane highway. UGGGGHHHH. Stress level was starting to escalate and then we were at a dead stop. Why? Because some inconsiderate vehicle had struck a man on a bicycle, who was now laying on the ground bleeding. Here is the dilemma…do BFF and I get out in our dresses and tend to the man as we are nurses and risk being late to the ceremony? Of course that could change the theme of the wedding from country chic to more like a Walking Dead wedding. Nothing like showing up to a wedding with blood all over you and no way to get it off or a change of clothes. While we are debating what to do, who does get out of a car a few behind us in her wedding gown? The bride! Umm….so Walking Dead wedding it is? Luckily, EMTs had already been called and their was a physician on the scene who had also stopped, so we were all able to get back into our cars and proceed to the farm. Also, we knew the wedding could not start without the bride and she was behind us so that was a relief. No Walking Dead wedding for G and C.
We arrived non-bloody and went to talk to our groom C who had a distressed look on his face. He came up to both of us and whispered “There is a serious problem”. We both looked at each other as the conversation went like this:
Me: “What is going on? Is everything ok C?”
Groom looking panicked and like a deer in headlights: “The cake isn’t going to make it. G is gonna go nuclear.”
BFF incredulously and with some serious raised eyebrows: “What do you mean the cake isn’t going to make it? It is going to be late?”
Groom even quieter: “Nope. It isn’t coming at all. It got irreparably damaged getting here. We have no cake. G doesn’t know.”
Me: “Dude. Someone has to tell G. “
Groom: “Exactly. You go tell her. You two are her closest friends. She will take it from you.”
Me and BFF together: “Oh hell no!”
Me: “I am NOT going to be the one to tell G she has no cake. You tell her!”
Groom: “I can’t see her before the wedding. You have to tell her. I nominate you.”
Me: “Oh efff that. I am so not telling her. Let’s get her Dad to tell her.”
Groom: “Ok but if you hear a nuclear screech, you know she has been told. You better run and comfort her or run for your life.”
BFF: “I pick run for your life. Maybe we should have stayed and helped the guy who got hit by the car. That seems less stressful now.”
Me: “Agreed. I could go for some trauma with blood and gore right about now. And not the emotional kind like this whole cake business.”
Groom: “This is why we love you.”
Needless to say, we tried to figure out where the nearest grocery store was and BFF volunteered to run and get cake quick like while pictures were being taken. Luckily, the farm where the wedding was being held, had a pie shop and her Dad solved the problem by buying five fresh pies and someone from Granny’s shop brought ice cream. It worked out. And G did get told before the wedding, without a nuclear screech and us having to run for our lives. Good thing because you know I don’t run unless something is chasing me. We let her Dad and Stepdad handle the cake fiasco telling. Her Dad walked her by the cake area and G looked at him and said “Where the fuck is my cake?” Dad graciously replied “It’s not coming. End of story. We have pie.” And there you go…G had nothing to say because at that point, what else could be done? The rest of the wedding went off without complication. It was gorgeous and the groom even did vows with the twins who were about to become his stepdaughters. Not a dry eye was to be had, not even BFF who hardly ever cries, when he said to them “I may not have been there for your first steps, but I promise to be there for your first everything else.” Oh C…what a wonderful man you are! I am even misty typing it! We had a glorious time and wonderful pie (MMMMMM…..pie.) And you know how I feel about pie. I am all about the pie. Huh. That didn’t sound right either. Thanks G and C for the invite to your wedding…we think you are both the bestest people ever. BFF and I love you both!
Twins A and B…breathtaking
G….you are stunning. Simply stunning
Vows with the twins…sniff sniff
Awwww……
MMMMM….pie. Don’t get it on the dress though!
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I almost changed the theme of a wedding to a Walking Dead one but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl who is glad a wedding cake didn’t make it to a wedding because pie…always pie… Running. The experiment continues…
September 15, 2014
Those Three Words…A Year Later
I looked at my calendar today and realized something…It has been over one year ago now that three little words changed my life and my perspective on it. You never think that one visit to a doctor’s office could change everything you know but it did. It was one year ago my OB/GYN doc looked at me and said those fateful words: You have cancer.
Cancer. I guess I never realized that that little word would change everything in my life. Cancer. It doesn’t define me as a person but it has for sure changed who I am. Over a year later and that memory is still fresh in my mind. I do not look like a cancer victim. You would never know by looking at me that I had cancer…I was lucky and mine was all removed with surgery and no other treatment required. How did I get so lucky? I often wonder that myself as endometrial cancer is usually not caught until it has spread. Mine was caught because of a pesky little polyp. Thank you polyp. Thank you little growth for waving hello in my uterus and begging to be removed. Thank you for causing me to bleed like a stuck pig frequently and often, making me think I was in the movie Carrie. Little polyp…you saved my life. I shall name you Penelope Polyp. I wish I could have your shriveled up little polyp body in a glass jar like some creepy scientist to show everyone. It would be like show and tell…the uber creepy version. Speaking of uber-creepy, SOTL Man was out waving to me the other day…maybe he has his own weird organ collection in his garage. Wait…you don’t think my Uber-creeper SOTL Man has little Penelope in his grasps do you? That might be even too creepy for him, but you never know. I don’t think I want to know what is in his garage for that matter. I bet he has creepy stuffed versions of the Precious dogs that came before his current little doggie. This has somehow now taken an uber-weird turn…maybe because it is 5 a.m. and I am at work writing. Work always makes things weird. Or maybe it is just me…I mean I did name my polyp.
Cancer. Who knew one little word would hold so much power but it does. I never knew those three words could have such an impact on my life. It changed how I look at life…I take time with things now. I tell people I love them every day. I play hard. I choose to not let those words define me. Don’t let those words define you if they are ever said to you. You are not your cancer. I am not my cancer. I am just a Fat Girl who happened to have an adventure with my friend cancer. An adventure in which I kicked it’s ass, but an adventure none the less. And not one I choose to repeat in my life. There are lots of adventures that are fun but having your uterus ripped out of you because all it could grow was cancer is not one of them. So on to more fun adventures I say! One year cancer free…wow…let’s celebrate. Who is bringing the uterus pinata and horse head mask?
One last thing. FUCK CANCER. That is all.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did choose not to let those three words said to me over a year ago define me. Change me, yes, but not define me. I am Fat Girl one year cancer free Running! The experiment continues…
