Kristann Monaghan's Blog, page 14
April 14, 2014
I Have Found What I am Good at….Procrastinating
I have found a new talent. One I am so good at I could gold medal in it if it were an Olympic sport. The art of procrastinating. I mean I truly excel at this. Even now I am supposed to be writing and editing for the second book and here I am writing about how I have been procrastinating for the last two hours instead of actually working on my book. Sigh. I try…I really do. Just so many things come up to distract me since I have the attention span of a gnat. Let’s discuss the ways I find to procrastinate. This diagram is perfect for me:
This is so how I do it
So let’s start at the very beginning. A very good place to start….wait….those are song lyrics. See…attention span of a gnat. I have every intention of working. I get out my laptop. I put on a movie I have seen a million times over (Pitch Perfect is a favorite to write to lately. Tonight I chose Say Anything because who doesn’t love Lloyd Dobbler?). I open up the rough draft and suddenly the above diagram takes place. First up is usually Binge Eating. Why? Because somehow, even if I have just eaten dinner, my stomach decides it needs to eat. And not healthy food either…Nope. Skittles are usually the first thing I reach for because I think I can eat just a few. Who the eff am I kidding? The whole bag will disappear while I watch the movie I put on because I didn’t need to watch it while the computer sits there staring evilly at me. I might move on to popcorn or ice cream next as I still feel the need to eat. If I am eating, then my fingers can’t type. Sigh. This also usually involves several trips to the kitchen where I will repeatedly open the pantry, fridge and freezer in hopes that the contents have changed in the last few minutes and I will find something new to snack on. Why do I stand there and stare at the contents? Are they going to magically change into an unlimited supply of original Skittles (the REAL ones not those gross green apple ones they call original)? Probably not, but let me look one last time…
Discouraged Napping usually occurs after I have stuffed myself so full of junk that I am now sleepy. Add into that the fact that I am usually dressed in comfy sweats and covered up with a soft blanket on my couch that eats my soul and it is warm…and pretty soon my eyes will start to threaten to close. I mean, I don’t need to pay attention to the movie I am “not” watching, right? And maybe an idea will come to me in a dream. Or maybe a nap will revitalize me and I will feel like writing since I can’t seem to get motivated. So if I let me eyes close for just a few minutes…it won’t hurt right? Pretty soon I am nodding off and sliding down into a perfect napping position on the Evil Couch. A two hour coma later and I decided it is time to move on to the next step in the pie chart.
Ok…self, I usually say. Let’s do this. You have a deadline to make. Laptop open. Rough draft in front of me. Here we go. Wait. I haven’t checked out what had been happening on Facebook since I took a nap. That won’t take long. Here is where Random Internet Surfing starts. It starts with a “quick” check of Facebook. It will then move on to taking random quizzes for fun, messing around on Pintrest, answering email, playing a game or two, watching midget porn, looking up random facts about porn…you name it, the internet is way to get lost for several hours. And this will inevitably lead back to eating….because that is what Fat Girls do. Eventually, the internet or the midget porn or the movie I am “not” watching will give me the one thing I am looking for…Inspiration.
Inspiration will get me going and then the actual work will start. Like tonights blog for example…I got my inspiration from my own procrastination. And here I am writing for you all and hopefully this will lead to finishing up some writing for the second book. Of course lots of times I look at the clock and go “Holy poop…look at how late it is!” Luckily, being a night owl does have its advantages. I do some of my best work late at night. Of course that usually leads to napping during the day…see how this is a vicious cycle of procrastination. One I assure you I excel at like no other. I mean, I have just spent the last two hours writing about procrastinating…gold medal worthy for real. And why are there no Skittles in my house? Maybe if I go check the pantry one last time…
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did do my usual procrastinating when it comes to me having to do something like write my book and get it to my publisher on time but I didn’t die. I m Fat Girl gonna go Random Internet Surfing now because I need to find more midget porn Running. The experiment continues…
March 30, 2014
How I Got Disney Diabeetus And a Big Announcement
Goals are a good thing and meeting them is fun and exciting. Sometimes goals can be challenging. This last trip to DL, BFF had a goal that I felt was achievable and fun: Eat something Mickey shaped everyday. But we couldn’t eat the same thing twice. Totally acheiveable…I mean this is the House of Mouse. And tons of stuff is Mickey shaped. So away we went with our goal in mind.
First day was the easiest. We usually go and eat at the Critter Breakfast at the Storyteller’s Cafe at our hotel….fantastic buffet that has french toast I swear is coated in crack. But they also have another favorite of mine…Mickey shaped waffles! These lovely little gems always make me smile. How can you not smile as Mickey is smiling up at you from your breakfast plate? It almost is a shame to eat them but they are so good. BFF gets great pleasure out of biting his ears off first and then going in for the kill and eating his face. It is quite funny. She says it is better for Mickey that way because he can’t hear you about to eat his face. Should I be scared of her? So early in the day of day one we had already concluded the first step in our goal…Mickey shaped item eaten. Blam!
Mickey shaped happiness for my tummy
Day two was a whirlwind and we ended up eating at Big Thunder Ranch BBQ for lunch with our soon to be married friends and Twin A. This is another favorite place for us to eat as it is all you can eat bbq and damn good bbq at that…I mean hello. First a buffet and now all you can eat? I was in Fat Girl Disney heaven! That was a no brainer. So as we are sitting eating our fill on bbq chicken and ribs and all the sides, the cast member comes over and gives us the dessert menu. Oh heck yeah we are eating some dessert. I mean we are on vacation and it is family style so it wouldn’t be just two of us eating it. We ordered this giant cookie bake with ice cream and sat their already stuffed to the gills waiting for it to come out. Holy Giant Cookie Goofy! Seriously this was a little bit of heaven with a fresh-baked giant pan full of chocolate chip cookie smothered in ice cream and sprinkles. Bride-to-be tried to be civil by dishing some up on a plate when BFF just took her spoon and dug in…I mean hey…it’s family style right? Groom-to-be followed suit and we all laughed and joined in….demolishing that dessert in minutes flat no matter how full we were beforehand.
The gloriousness that was the cookie dessert at Big Thunder Ranch…can you see what shape the sprinkles are?
Demolished in just minutes….
It was after we were done, wanting to be rolled away from the table when BFF mentions she still has to complete day two of her self-imposed goal for the trip. Good lord I sure as heck did not want to think about eating anything Mickey shaped at that point. In fact, the thought of eating something else right then made me want to throw up a little in my mouth. Good thing Bride-to be saved the day and pointed out that the sprinkles on the dessert were…of course….MICKEY SHAPED! YESSSSS! Goal for day two achieved. Seriously. We had already eaten so much that even Twin A commented to BFF in the bathroom that she hoped she wouldn’t get diarrhea from all the sweets we were eating. BFF said she started laughing so hard she almost peed her pants waiting for a stall. I commented that we probably wouldn’t get diarrhea but we might get diabetes. Disney Diabeetus as we quickly called it. Pretty sure that is what you get every time you are there. Disney Diabeetus.
Day three we discussed what to try new to eat that was Mickey shaped that would of course contribute to our Disney Diabeetus. There will still lots of options but none sounded appealing until we went to the bathroom in New Orleans Square. I know, going to bathroom should not inspire you to eat but as we walked by the big restaurant that was located right by the train station, we spotted a little tiny walk up service bar called the Mint Julep Bar. One I probably have walked by a million times, given that I know where all the potties are in the park. What caught my eye as we walked by was a chalkboard sign advertising Mickey beignets. Beignets are these deliecious donuts smothered in powdered sugar so I suggested to BFF that we stop and get some just because they were donuts. And of course…they were Mickey shaped and delicious. So not only did we fulfill our goal for that day but also discovered another must snack for us next time. Also noted, you should not try to talk while eating these as powdered sugar will attempt to live in your lungs causing a coughing fit to end all coughing fits and also end up with both you and BFF covered in powdered sugar.
Mmmmmm….Disney Diabeetus continues
By day four, we knew we had one last day to successfully eat something Mickey shaped to achieve our trip goal. Since we needed to continue our Disney Diabeetus, we decided to head over to the Jolly Holiday Bakery and feed that sugar rush. It was here we had a hard time deciding on either a brownie or cookie shaped like Mickey but settled on the sugar cookie as we couldn’t resist its softness and we knew from its size we could easily share it. After rolling away from that table as well, we were pretty proud of ourselves for competing the trip goal, never once duplicating a snack and still leaving several Mickey shaped items that we had not tried. I mean, we didn’t get a pretzel, ice cream, candy, brownie, candied apple or many many other things. But we did get Disney Diabeetus.
The final Mickey shaped item of the trip…so good
Now that I have made you hungry and carving sugar, I have a BIG announcement to make. This also is why I haven’t been around as much lately. Drum roll please…..my publisher Inknbeans Press (www.inknbeans.com) has asked me to compile a SECOND book! What? Yes, you read that right…a second book full of more crazy Fat Girl Adventures and spreading the Fat Girl Revolution around. This book will also contain more posts that are original to the book and not published on here so make sure you get your copy when it comes out this summer. Now excuse me while I go do a Naked Fat Girl Dance of Joy throughout my living room…and maybe sit down and edit/write or something.
Oh yeah, I didn’t die today. I did complete a goal of eating something Mickey shaped every day of the last trip but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl who has a SECOND book coming out and Disney Diabeetus Running. The experiment continues….
March 3, 2014
A Hysterical Encounter Brought to You by Heads Up! (And Of Course BFF and I)
We all know that the funniest stuff happens when BFF and I are together and really I can’t make this stuff up. On our last trip to DL, we saw several groups of people playing this game on their phones together while waiting in line. It was nice because the game was interactive with the whole group and not just people with their heads over their phones and not paying attention to who was there. We had no idea what the game was called except that people were holding their phones on their foreheads and flipping it around. We somehow ended up talking about it with someone in a line on our last day and they told us it was a game created by Ellen DeGeneres called Heads Up! We, of course, immediately downloaded this game to our phones and could not wait to start playing it.
Let me explain how it works. You pick a category and then hold your phone up to your forehead. Your partner, or group, can see a word in that category and must get you to say that word using clues without saying the word themselves. If you get it right you tilt your phone down and back up and it gives you a new word. You can pass tilting the phone up also to get a new word. The object is to get as many right as you can in thirty seconds. It even films you as you give clues or act out words and makes a video so you can relive your traumatic attempts to get someone to guess a word. It reminds me of the old school game show Pyramid. So much fun. We started playing on the train waiting for our dinner and were soon giggling. I felt like Joey on Friends when he played Pyramid as we played and kept wanting to shout “Paper! Snow! A ghost!” because I am not that great at guessing clues. But we kept at it, determined to get more than a few right.
BFF chose a category called Holiday and we soon began with me trying to guess holiday themed words or phrases. Poor BFF. SHe tried so hard to get me to say the right thing. The phrase was “partridge in a pear tree” and BFF had to do it by humming the song. She kept humming the song until the last line and I kept saying everything but it. Here is the conversation that occurred:
BFF: humming that damn Christmas song and leaving off the last line
Me: ”Seven pipers piping! No! Five golden rings”
BFF: ”NO! How can you not get this? Listen again…go lower” Hums again louder (because that will help)
Me: ”Four geese a laying?”
BFF: ”Do you even know the damn words to this song?” Her voice is rising and we are giggling hard now. She begins to hum again even louder and trying not to laugh while doing it.
Me: ”Two turtle doves!” I am now yelling answers and making up lyrics “Seventeen ladies leaping! Ten drummers doing something! Is it drumming? Ahhhhhhhhh! I don’t know! Two turtle doves! I swear it is two turtle doves!”
BFF: giggling has now turned to laughter with tears on both our parts. ”You know why you can’t get this? Because you HATE Christmas! Also, you CANNOT COUNT! You are freaking hopeless! What comes after two in the song?”
Me: hysterically laughing “Three? Oh forget it.”
We had tears running down our faces we were laughing so hard and watched the video laughing even more. We should have saved it because it was truly hysterical. Needless to say, we hadn’t had another chance to play Heads Up! until today. We are volunteering this week at BFF’s Mom’s school doing the Book Fair since her Mom is the librarian and we are huge book nerds. We had a lull while kids were in class and her Mom was teaching reading groups on the other side of the library so we decided to play quietly. Today’s hysterical encounter is brought to you by the game Heads Up! The word I am trying to get BFF to say at this point in the game is simple. It’s puppy.
Me: ”Oh ok! This is easy! Small…furry…every little girl wants one”
BFF: (in rapid fire hoping I would nod and flip the phone)”A kitten! A bunny! A chinchilla!”
Me: ”Did you just say chinchilla? What little girl wants a chinchilla?” I have now started laughing uncontrollably and am doubled over and trying to be quiet since we are in the library.
BFF: also hysterically laughing “Me? So it’s not chinchilla?” That last part in between hysterical laughing.
I was laughing so hard tears were running down my face and my stomach hurt. I kept repeating the word chinchilla and we would both go into those hysterical giggles of laughter that you cannot control. We must have laughed like that for a good five minutes, trying to catch our breath and be upright. BFF has mascara running down her face because she was laughing and crying so hard. I could hardly stand it. Of course BFF would want a chinchilla over a puppy. Of course. I should have known. Because every little girl wants a chinchilla and not a puppy.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did, however, discover a fun new game to play with BFF that inevitably leads to hysterical pee your pants mascara running down your face laughter. Thanks Ellen DeGeneres. I am Fat Girl with a BFF who always wanted a chinchilla instead of a puppy Running. The experiment continues…..
February 10, 2014
We Are Disneyland Strong
BFF and I went on our annual Superbowl We Don’t Really Care About Football Disneyland trip recently. This time, we met two of our friends, recently engaged to be married, their twins and the rest of their family there for some fun. They happen to be taking a whole family vacation and generously allowed us to hang around with them for two days. Thank goodness they don’t mind two crazy girls like us to make some giggles and good memories. And leave it to BFF and I to provide the comic relief to any trip.
After spending all day with Twins A and B (and I don’t just use that in reference to their birth order…their Momma really did name them alphabetically), several of the adults came back at night and met up with us so we could ride the big coaster without kiddos. We quickly made our way to the back of the park, hoping to get on before the water show started and they closed the coaster. As we came up on the coaster and saw that there was hardly any wait, I thought I felt a slight sprinkle but then shrugged it off as coming off the lake with the wind. We were stoked that there was only a 5 minute wait and that we had an even number of people to ride (it’s the little things that get us excited I tell you). As the coaster car pulled up and we climbed in, I stated to our party “Anyone else notice the car is wet? This is NOT a water ride!” We pulled around the corner and it was indeed raining. The Bride-to-be turned and said “Oh this is gonna suck!” And then the coaster started it’s fast paced ride…
Now let me tell you something. Rain, in general, does not bother me. I don’t mind getting rained on and usually love it when we are at DL and it is raining because the park empties out. Rain on a super speed roller coaster at night is a whole different ball game. Wanna know what it feels like? It feels like you are riding along at super fast speeds to an icy death. Seriously it is like ice pelts are hitting every part of your exposed skin. The Bride-to-be’s sister yelled as we are being pelted “You can take my life, but don’t take my eyes!” BFF screamed “Ouch” every two seconds and I yelled back “Why does it hurt SO bad?” I felt like my face was getting some sort of frozen ice peel as I tried to cover every part of skin that was exposed. When we ended the ride, I couldn’t tell if the tears were from laughing or pain. BFF then turned to me and per usual, asked “How is my bang (and yes it is referred to as a bang and not bangs because as BFF says she only has one bang)?” since her hair has a tendency to get a little crazy during the coaster. Now add rain to that factor and I started laughing immediately when she asked me that. I told her not to touch it because it was that great. Everyone turns to BFF and laughter immediately courses through our group. Bride-to-be is laughing so hard I thought she might pee her pants and cameras immediately come out to take pictures of BFF’s hair….it is that good. I am giggling now thinking of it. Judge for yourself. It’s ok to laugh…we did…hard.
How’s my bang? Oh BFF you know I love you but this is hysterical
After all the pain and laughs, we decide to…of course…RIDE IT AGAIN because there was no wait. We are gluttons for punishment I tell you. One time around being pelted with icy drops of death was not enough for all of us. No, we decided we needed to experience it one more time. So yup…we did. This time BFF yelled that if she covered her face it didn’t hurt as bad. I yelled back that I didn’t understand why we were doing this again. After getting off the ride a second time, Bride-to-be’s cousin turned to me and said “Is my face bleeding? Because I am pretty sure it should be. These are real tears NOT rain drops!” The Bride-to-be and her sister both had mascara running down their faces and I was checking to make sure there were not pock marks in my face from the icy pelts of death that disguised themselves as raindrops when we were not on the coaster. The pics taken on the coaster say it all. Priceless.
I was doing the vogue while trying to keep the rain off
BFF’s solution to the pain
As we wandered in the rain over to Tower of Terror to dry off, we discussed how we were not gonna let a little rain stop us. The park was practically deserted at this point. We didn’t care that we were soaked to the bone with rain, that we were cold and shivering, that our shoes squished when we walked or that we couldn’t tell if it was blood or rain running down our faces. We were determined to get more rides in before the close of the park. We decided we needed those plastic bracelets like Lance Armstrong’s “Live Strong” but that said “Disneyland Strong” because not even an icy face peel at some ungodly amount of speed was gonna stop us. Songs were sung about our bravery and our laughter could be heard throughout the park. It was a great night. One that concluded with a long hot shower to warm up.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did have another hysterical trip with a great group of people whose adventures will continue in my next blog, but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl braving the icy pelts of death on the roller coaster because I am Disneyland Strong Running. The experiment continues…
January 21, 2014
Meat Party in my Mouth…Does That Sound Wrong?
Around the time for my birthday, BFF and I went down to Phoenix to see The Lion King on Broadway (totally on my bucket list) and she surprised me with a dinner with BFFE and Hubby (now given the title of BFF’s BFFI or Best Friend for Infinity since they are two peas in a pod). It was also their anniversary so the timing was perfect. Sneaky BFF and her BFFI planned this while BFFE and I were at the 3 Day walk the weekend before but they made quite an excellent decision. BFF and I were out shopping at Scottsdale Fashion Square beforehand so we did the oh so trashy thing of changing into our dresses for dinner in the car in the parking garage. That takes some mad skill I tell you. We met at this place called Fogo de Chao which is a Brazilian Steakhouse…oh this was Fat Girl heaven. I had never been to a place like this and I was totally excited. Why? Because what Fat Girl doesn’t get excited by all you can eat meat?
Ok, let me explain how this place works and you will see how quickly I became overwhelmed by the meat. They give you a little card that has a green side and a red side. When you are ready to eat, you turn the card over to the green side and like magic, little meaty leprechauns (pretty sure they are a distant relation to the Mexican jumping leprechaun), people show up at your table with huge skewers of different types of meat that they carve off onto your plate. It was a little frightening how quickly they came to our table….I mean where did they sprout from? One minute there was nobody but the waiter getting our drinks and then we turned our little cards over and…bam!….there were at least four people with different kinds of meat at our table making the rounds. It was like they popped out of some magical portal in the floor that we couldn’t see. And as they left, more of these magical meaty leprechauns kept showing up because we forgot to turn our cards over to the red side. Pretty soon, I had a mound of meat on my plate and I didn’t know how to make them stop coming and molesting me with their meaty choices of goodness. BFFE quickly realized our error and told us to turn over the cards, and all the magic meaty leprechauns quit popping by our table, choosing instead to molest people at another table with their skewers of magic. BFFE and I mistakenly and foolishly attempted to eat some good stuff at the salad bar as well while BFF and her BFFI chose to stick with the meaty choices of goodness. Once we sampled these leprechaun’s goodies and our plates were mostly empty, we turned our cards over to the green side and it started all over again. It was like Fat Girl Meaty Heaven. A Meat Party in my mouth and it was so good. Wait….did that sound wrong?
Did I mention that as well as the meaty goodness that magically appeared at our table, they also tried to lure us into their kingdom with delicious sides and then, once we were stuffed, they brought us a free dessert due to it being my birthday and BFFE and Hubby’s anniversary? I was immediately thankful for a dress so nobody could see the meaty food baby I was growing. This is not a place to eat lightly. You should take my advice and not eat all day so you can stuff as much of that meaty goodness as is possible into your gob. I know I did. Pretty sure I needed to take a meat coma afterwards and that my poop clunked into the bottom of the bowl with its weight from all the meat later (too much information?) BFF and I are for sure eating there again….we love a good Meat Party.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did take a meat coma and get overwhelmed by magical meaty leprechauns but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl with a Meat Party in her mouth Running. The experiment continues….
January 4, 2014
My Blog, My Opinion…a Small Timey Wimey Rant
Please forgive me, dear readers, for my absence. I could blame the holidays (which are partly to blame because we all know how busy those are) or I could blame a million other things, but really the reason is wibbly wobbly timey wimey. Yes, I have been stuck in another space-time dimension with The Doctor….Doctor Who if you are not familiar. Damn you Netflix and your ability to stream endless seasons of this great sci-fi gloriousness into my living room. I am, in fact, watching an episode right now while I write this. I tell you, it is addictive and has made me a certified Whovian. I now have debates with my friends on which version of The Doctor is better and whether bow ties are cool or not. It is a vicious cycle. But now, brace yourself for a small timey wimey rant.
I feel like I must address something that happened to me after I wrote my last post about what not to say when someone has cancer. I got TONS of support and lots of survivors like myself who agreed with what I said. I did, however, have a rather nasty encounter with someone who felt as if I was overstepping my boundaries by stating what I found was not comforting. I was accused of being self-centered, publicly humiliating my loved ones and friends for saying these things, and bringing judgment on others. She did this in the rather public forum of Facebook (pot calling the kettle black) using very hateful language and while I did defend myself there, it got me to thinking. Hmmmmm…well let’s address these things, shall we.
First off, this is MY blog and therefore MY opinion. You do not have to agree with me in all things that I say, in fact I rather like engaging in healthy debate with people. But to call me self-centered about my own cancer….well yes. I am. Why? Because it is MY cancer and MY journey. Yours might be different. But I feel that I have every right to discuss what I found to be not comforting. And since many survivors have said the same thing to me, I think that this person is more in the minority than the majority. Yes, I understand that people are trying to relate or “show their understanding” of my diagnosis, but really…can they understand? Can they know what it feels like to have cancer? Unless they have cancer themselves, then I say no. Do not try to understand what I am going through. Just take my hand and go with me on the journey. This does not make me the “Queen of what not to say”. Rather, a voice in what many find comforting and maybe a chance to step back and re think what you might say to a loved one. It has made me re-think what I say when people tell me things. If you found what I said offensive, then I suggest you think about WHY it made you feel offended. Chances are, you have used these phrases yourself and do not like the fact that maybe someone does not appreciate what you are saying.
As far as publicly humiliating my friends and loved ones, there you are mistaken. My friends and loved ones KNOW I am a blogger and anything they say can and usually will be used in one of my blogs. If there is something they would rather me not discuss, they tell me. I do not feel I offended any of them because they would have told me. It is a strictly honesty policy I have with all my friends and loved ones and if they don’t like it, then they are not my friends. And if I did publicly humiliate one of them, then let me take this opportunity to apologise publicly for doing so. It was not my intent. My intent by that blog post was again, to make people think about what they say before they say things. It can be applied to any time you are faced with something terrible..several of my friends said that when their spouse or loved one has died that people said similar things to them that they did not find comforting. And really, if anyone should complain about being publicly humiliated, then my BFF really should, since most of the things I write involve the funniest things we say or do.
The last thing she accused me of was judging people for what they said to me. Yes, I did. Don’t we all judge people? I mean, we can say all we like that we don’t, but I see it in everyday life. And yes, I am just as guilty as the next for judging others. But again, this is MY blog and I can say what I like because it is my forum for expressing myself. If you don’t want to hear what I have to say, then don’t read my blog. As for judging others…I rather believe that this person judged me by my blog post. So that is again the pot calling the kettle black. So, see…we all judge people.
Ok…wibbly wobbly rant over. I feel better. Again, I love hearing people’s opinions about what I write, I would just prefer that they weren’t so hateful when expressed. So express yourself! I know I do…here in my blog. My forum for my opinions. Glad you read them!
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did however get lost in the TARDIS with The Doctor for a while but returned to this dimension and this time to continue to write my opinions in my blog. I am the ever opinionated blogger The Fat Girl Running and I love my readers. The experiment continues…
November 21, 2013
What NOT to say…A Fat Girl’s Etiquette Guide to Dealing With Cancer
When I was diagnosed with cancer in July, I hesitated to tell people that I had the Big C. I just didn’t want the pity looks people give others when they hear terrible news. Like they are suddenly taking stock of their own lives as if the diagnosis has made them look at their own mortality. I can get that. Really, I can. At BFF’s insistence, I decided to tell people about my diagnosis to get support. What floored me was not the pity looks I thought I would get (and I did get some) but sometimes it was the things that were said in response to hearing that I had cancer well meaning as they might have been. I decided to help all of you out there with the etiquette of what NOT to say when someone tells you that they have cancer (or any other horrible diagnosis) and what you should say.
“My __________ (fill in with aunt, grandfather, sister, friend whatever pronoun you choose) was diagnosed with that type of cancer. He/She went through a horrible time and died. But, I am sure that your experience will be different.” Really? Is this supposed to comfort me? You just informed me, after I tell you that I JUST found out I have cancer, that someone you know DIED from this type of cancer. Well, gee. I feel better already about my diagnosis. In fact, I think I will skip down the street, twirling in a white cotton dress while releasing balloons in the joy of knowing that I might DIE. Yeah. Believe it or not, I did not hear this just once, but SEVERAL times from several people. I mean…hello…did you all go to a make me feel like shit about my diagnosis but in a nice way school? I know that it might have been a thought that popped into your head when I told you, but did you need to say it out loud? There is a reason we have filters, so use them.
“But you are so young!” Yes, I am quite aware of my age. But are you aware that cancer does not care? Cancer hits people of all ages, even children. You don’t have to be old to get cancer. Also, this sentence is usually said in such a way that it implies I am going to die. Thanks for nailing that portion of the lid on my coffin. Why don’t you go join your friends from #1?
“Aren’t you upset about not being able to have children anymore?” This one applies to my hysterectomy but it could be said about any cancer that might be affecting your appearance or lifestyle. Well, actually, since I had made the conscious choice to not have children, no I am not upset but thanks for bringing it up and making me realize I CANNOT have children anymore even if I wanted to. And if I was upset, thanks for rubbing salt in that wound. Do you go and ask the guy who got his leg shot off in Afghanistan if he is upset that he doesn’t have a leg or the woman who had a double mastectomy if she is upset about losing her ta-tas? So why would you ask me about my uterus and my ability to have children? This question was actually posed to me so much that I started my conversations with the fact that I wasn’t upset. Quit reminding me I cannot have children any more. I am aware. I saw the public service announcement and read the pamphlet.
“What am I going to do without you?” Wow. Just wow. This really isn’t about you. And yes, this was said to me and NOT by someone like a spouse, siblings, parents or my BFF that would have had the right to say that. Let’s leave it at that. Because I think you all know this was not appropriate. And left me with my mouth hanging open like I was gathering flies.
“You are pretty nonchalant about having cancer, aren’t you?” Hmmmmm…..how would you like me to act? Would you like me to lose my shit right here and now? You know I could but I refrained for a reason. This would leave us both in an uncomfortable position of me sobbing my brains out with mascara making me look like a raccoon and you standing there awkwardly not knowing how to comfort me but handing me a paper towel to wipe the snot bubble from my nose. Pretty sure neither of us wants that. I can’t really change the fact that I have cancer, so why shouldn’t I joke and laugh about my uterus being an inhospitable place except to cancer? I really don’t see the benefit of wallowing in self-pity and tears when I can share my pain through laughter and make you feel a little less awkward around me now that you think I am going to die.
Yes, I really did hear all of those things when I talked about being diagnosed with cancer and I am sure other cancer patients can relate. I know that the people who said them meant well and maybe did not know what else to say. So I am going to help those of you out who might be at a loss for words when a friend or family member says they have cancer. Here are a few things you can say instead.
“I’m sorry.” I know this seems simple but sometimes that is all that is needed to be said because you know what? I am sorry I got cancer too. This could come with hug if the person is a huggy sort of person. If they seem to have their prickles out that day, then I recommend not hugging. Just saying you are sorry is good enough. And don’t try to act huggy if you are not….we can see through that.
“What can I do for you?” Offering to help the person with meals, child care, rides to the doctors, whatever you can think of is often something that the person had not thought of with all the upheaval in their life. When I was getting ready to have surgery, one of my co-workers, without me asking set up a calender online with meals and housekeeping and whatever else she thought I might need and people could sign up to help out. This was one of the BEST things I have ever had done for me. I am not one to ask for help, but those meals really came in handy. I was able to stuff my gob with good homemade food. It was a blessing in disguise. And realize that the person themselves may not ask for help, just take the initiative and be the pushy bitch like my co-worker was and do it on your own. It will be appreciated. Especially things like cobbler and ice cream (you know who you are…we ate the crap out of that).
“Well fuck. That sucks.” This was the BEST response I ever got and I need to thank my BFF for always knowing what to say because she is right. It does suck. It sucks big time. And it made me laugh and laughter is good for the soul. And believe it or not, my Bubby, Dad and another of my co-workers said it sucked too. It is probably the best thing to say besides I’m sorry. Because cancer sucks. Period.
Just remember, people have a hard enough time dealing with their own diagnosis and they do not need to deal with your junk on top of it. Don’t put me in my coffin before I am ready. Don’t try to be nice. Just be simple and straightforward. And honest (with a filter) is always best. Your friend or family member will appreciate it. The best advice I can give you is to listen. The person who got diagnosed might just need that…a listening ear, a hug, or they might need to become that awkward, bawling snot bubble producing person in front of you (that might have happened to me in front of BFF but I shall deny it till the day I am ready to die). Just awkwardly hand them that paper towel and then assure them that they can be the superhero you know they are capable of becoming.
Cancer can make you into a superhero…I know this to be true
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did realize that people sometimes do not think before they speak or think they are being comforting when they are not. I am Fat Girl denying still I lost my shit with BFF and cried so hard I produced a snot bubble Running. The experiment continues…
November 17, 2013
Can I Get a Whoop Whoop? Part 2
I promised you I would continue my 3 Day adventure so hold on cuz this is action packed!! Ever been volunteered to do something without your knowledge? Yup…this happened to me, Bestie and BFFE at the 3 Day. Our lovely Captain heard that there was a need for crew members to help lead the walkers in the Cupid Shuffle at the Opening Ceremonies and since she knew we knew how to do it (remember the video from last year?), she volunteered us. Needless to say, we were terrified but being good sports, we agreed. At Opening Ceremonies, we were asked to meet behind the stage at a certain time. We had no idea we would be going UP ON STAGE in front of over 900 walkers, crew and family members to lead The Cupid Shuffle as a warm up for those walking. We managed to drag another crew member with us and she really had no idea what she had gotten into either since she didn’t know the dance. But, all 4 of us, managed to get up there with smiles on our faces and enthusiastically lead all those people to shake their booties. I mean, we all know I can shake my booty. The Food Crew really are pros at this dance and Saturday night we did it in camp for everyone to see….I know there is another video somewhere of us doing it. In case you have no idea what I am talking about, here is the official video of The Cupid Shuffle….so get up off your couches and shake your booties with The Fat Girl!
During one of our dinner shifts, BFFE and I were busy Whoop Whooping it up and one of the chefs decided to get revenge on us. Frank (as we mistakenly called him most of the weekend but is NOT his real name) is from Australia and loved to give us a hard time the last couple of years. It was great because he could dish it out as well as BFFE and I could and jokingly put up with our obnoxiousness. So he comes up and sees that the Tempe police, that are helping keep us safe, were getting in our food line. He then yells to them “Officer! Officer! Can you take these two obnoxious loud mouths out of here please and put them in jail?” We immediately started ribbing him loudly and laughing. Before we knew it, the po-po had come over and slapped his handcuffs on me and BFFE, cuffing us together!! Yup….that happened. Ever try to serve food when you are cuffed to another person? It is not easy I must admit. I usually use handcuffs in other ways but those are fluffy and don’t require a key….too much information? I have never laughed so hard as when Frank came back and saw us cuffed together for his benefit! What a great sport both Frank and the po-po were to do that to us. Of course, Frank still asked the po-po jokingly to still take us away…maybe we could have served up some food to prison bitches.
Love how we caught the po-po in the pic….so worth it. And what is that expression on my face?
I have to confess that sometimes we were delirious from lack of sleep and that made us quite slap happy in our down time between breakfast and dinner service. It led to crazy photos in the photo booth (see below) and also led to an incident with our sack lunch on Saturday. Four of us had decided we would grab our sack lunches and head back to the hotel for what we hoped was giggle-free (not so much) sleep. We went over to where they had brought the sandwiches and such and proceeded to put our sammies, chips and cookies in our sacks and head back to the room. Bestie ran down to the front desk to ask for an extra blanket since she is not a penguin like me and BFFE and the rest of us (we had brought back M with us) sat down on the bed to eat our ham and cheese sammies. M took one bite and immediately complained that is was super dry and there was no mayo or mustard on the sammies. BFFE and I immediately looked into our bags to see if some had magically appeared in our bags since we hadn’t seen any in the food line. This led to a tirade for about 5-10 minutes on how dry and gross the sammies were…mind you we were eating them the entire time. Bestie came in and BFFE warned her about the sammies. Bestie frowns, opens her sack and throws both mayo and mustard and napkins (also another contention with us that those were not provided) at all of us. Shocked and surprised looks crossed our faces as we all clamored to know where she got them. Bestie, looking confused, said “Uh…at the condiment station we have set up with every meal.” DOH! Laughter immediately ensued as we told her how we had complained for what seemed like hours about the food. Delirium does funny things to people.
Delirious Food Service crew
Bad asses kicking cancer’s butt
All in all, this was one of the BEST experiences I have had at the 3 Day because I was surrounded by friends I consider my 3 Day family. There are reasons I come back every year and am still considering being a part of the 3 Day next year but in a different way (can you say Walker Stalker?) and my kooky 3 Day family is only part of it. I do this to support the walker on chemo making her journey with her friends walking behind her carrying the official flag that said “Myself” for her reason. We cheered her on and all hugged her as she sobbed her way across the finish line. I continue to do this for my Captain, a 12 year survivor herself, who didn’t think her sister would make it another year with her stage 4 cancer. For our other survivor, G, for flying out here every year to spend her weekend with a kooky bunch of weirdos because her BFF asked her too. And because I KNOW I made a difference in people’s lives that weekend. How do I know that? As the crew walked out to Closing Ceremonies through a funnel of walkers, the walkers were all high-fiving every crew member and saying thank you. We were starting to high-five everyone when all of a sudden, I heard the walkers start to Whoop Whoop when they saw me and BFFE. Tears immediately started to flow as I realized that they were giving us back the love we gave to them every meal service and acknowledging our energy. It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. THAT is why I do this. To make a difference. To add to someone’s life. And I gained the most beautiful group of friends out of it…. thank you Food Services Crew for accepting my weirdness and being weird with me. I am ever so grateful to Bestie for talking me into walking in 2010 and crewing for the last 3 years. Best. Experience. Ever. Whoop Whoop!
The team that started it all…Celtic Cancer Kickers. Thanks Bestie for introducing me to the wonders of the 3 Day
Oh yeah…I didn’t die today. I did discover the power of a simple Whoop Whoop but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl crying tears of joy as I make a difference Running. The experiment continues….
Can I Get a Whoop Whoop? Part 2
I promised you I would continue my 3 Day adventure so hold on cuz this is action packed!! Ever been volunteered to do something without your knowledge? Yup…this happened to me, Bestie and BFFE at the 3 Day. Our lovely Captain heard that there was a need for crew members to help lead the walkers in the Cupid Shuffle at the Opening Ceremonies and since she knew we knew how to do it (remember the video from last year?), she volunteered us. Needless to say, we were terrified but being good sports, we agreed. At Opening Ceremonies, we were asked to meet behind the stage at a certain time. We had no idea we would be going UP ON STAGE in front of over 900 walkers, crew and family members to lead The Cupid Shuffle as a warm up for those walking. We managed to drag another crew member with us and she really had no idea what she had gotten into either since she didn’t know the dance. But, all 4 of us, managed to get up there with smiles on our faces and enthusiastically lead all those people to shake their booties. I mean, we all know I can shake my booty. The Food Crew really are pros at this dance and Saturday night we did it in camp for everyone to see….I know there is another video somewhere of us doing it. In case you have no idea what I am talking about, here is the official video of The Cupid Shuffle….so get up off your couches and shake your booties with The Fat Girl!
During one of our dinner shifts, BFFE and I were busy Whoop Whooping it up and one of the chefs decided to get revenge on us. Frank (as we mistakenly called him most of the weekend but is NOT his real name) is from Australia and loved to give us a hard time the last couple of years. It was great because he could dish it out as well as BFFE and I could and jokingly put up with our obnoxiousness. So he comes up and sees that the Tempe police, that are helping keep us safe, were getting in our food line. He then yells to them “Officer! Officer! Can you take these two obnoxious loud mouths out of here please and put them in jail?” We immediately started ribbing him loudly and laughing. Before we knew it, the po-po had come over and slapped his handcuffs on me and BFFE, cuffing us together!! Yup….that happened. Ever try to serve food when you are cuffed to another person? It is not easy I must admit. I usually use handcuffs in other ways but those are fluffy and don’t require a key….too much information? I have never laughed so hard as when Frank came back and saw us cuffed together for his benefit! What a great sport both Frank and the po-po were to do that to us. Of course, Frank still asked the po-po jokingly to still take us away…maybe we could have served up some food to prison bitches.
Love how we caught the po-po in the pic….so worth it. And what is that expression on my face?
I have to confess that sometimes we were delirious from lack of sleep and that made us quite slap happy in our down time between breakfast and dinner service. It led to crazy photos in the photo booth (see below) and also led to an incident with our sack lunch on Saturday. Four of us had decided we would grab our sack lunches and head back to the hotel for what we hoped was giggle-free (not so much) sleep. We went over to where they had brought the sandwiches and such and proceeded to put our sammies, chips and cookies in our sacks and head back to the room. Bestie ran down to the front desk to ask for an extra blanket since she is not a penguin like me and BFFE and the rest of us (we had brought back M with us) sat down on the bed to eat our ham and cheese sammies. M took one bite and immediately complained that is was super dry and there was no mayo or mustard on the sammies. BFFE and I immediately looked into our bags to see if some had magically appeared in our bags since we hadn’t seen any in the food line. This led to a tirade for about 5-10 minutes on how dry and gross the sammies were…mind you we were eating them the entire time. Bestie came in and BFFE warned her about the sammies. Bestie frowns, opens her sack and throws both mayo and mustard and napkins (also another contention with us that those were not provided) at all of us. Shocked and surprised looks crossed our faces as we all clamored to know where she got them. Bestie, looking confused, said “Uh…at the condiment station we have set up with every meal.” DOH! Laughter immediately ensued as we told her how we had complained for what seemed like hours about the food. Delirium does funny things to people.
Delirious Food Service crew
Bad asses kicking cancer’s butt
All in all, this was one of the BEST experiences I have had at the 3 Day because I was surrounded by friends I consider my 3 Day family. There are reasons I come back every year and am still considering being a part of the 3 Day next year but in a different way (can you say Walker Stalker?) and my kooky 3 Day family is only part of it. I do this to support the walker on chemo making her journey with her friends walking behind her carrying the official flag that said “Myself” for her reason. We cheered her on and all hugged her as she sobbed her way across the finish line. I continue to do this for my Captain, a 12 year survivor herself, who didn’t think her sister would make it another year with her stage 4 cancer. For our other survivor, G, for flying out here every year to spend her weekend with a kooky bunch of weirdos because her BFF asked her too. And because I KNOW I made a difference in people’s lives that weekend. How do I know that? As the crew walked out to Closing Ceremonies through a funnel of walkers, the walkers were all high-fiving every crew member and saying thank you. We were starting to high-five everyone when all of a sudden, I heard the walkers start to Whoop Whoop when they saw me and BFFE. Tears immediately started to flow as I realized that they were giving us back the love we gave to them every meal service and acknowledging our energy. It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. THAT is why I do this. To make a difference. To add to someone’s life. And I gained the most beautiful group of friends out of it…. thank you Food Services Crew for accepting my weirdness and being weird with me. I am ever so grateful to Bestie for talking me into walking in 2010 and crewing for the last 3 years. Best. Experience. Ever. Whoop Whoop!
The team that started it all…Celtic Cancer Kickers. Thanks Bestie for introducing me to the wonders of the 3 Day
Oh yeah…I didn’t die today. I did discover the power of a simple Whoop Whoop but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl crying tears of joy as I make a difference Running. The experiment continues….
November 13, 2013
Can I Get a Whoop Whoop? Part 1
Yup…you read that right. So much happened this past weekend that I have decided to write it in 2 parts so enjoy the love. I spent this last weekend doing something I love and have spent the last 4 years doing every November…The Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk for the Cure. I walked 60 miles the first year and the last 3 years, I have spent on the crew. This year it was bittersweet since it is the last one to be in Arizona due to some restructuring issues the corporation is going through. Even knowing this, most of our crew came back from last year and again our mighty Captain led the way and slapped us into shape to be the loudest, most obnoxious food services crew I am sure the 3 Day walkers have ever seen.
2013 Food Services Crew…the craziest group of weirdos I have ever met
One of the things I love about the 3 Day is that I have made life-long friends and actually met my BFFE there last year. The hours for Food Services are long. We are up at 3:30 am to serve breakfast to the crew and we finish dinner at 9 pm. And it is actually 4 days for the crew because we have an all crew meeting on Thursday afternoon that we are required to attend. Needless to say, I drove down on Thursday and met up with Bestie and we headed over to the meeting. Bestie, BFFE and I had actually gotten a hotel room for the weekend that was near where the camp was gonna be so we headed over there after dinner. We had a couple of extra people due to one of our crew and her 10-year-old daughter who was doing Youth Corp needing a place for the night before camping for the weekend. After stuffing our gobs with giant rice krispie treats with caramel and frozen cheesecake, we went back to the hotel and we all started to get ready for bed. All four of us girls were in various stages of undress (most of us in our undies) when the 10-year-old walked around the corner. The look of shock (maybe some disgust as well) and embarrassment on her face as we were all standing around talking in our undies and she could see various bits and pieces was hysterical and we all burst into giggles as she quickly retreated to the other side of the wall. Pretty sure she might need some therapy after that. I mean who needs to see bits and pieces at her age? Sorry M for the need for therapy for your daughter….
There are certain things that you should always disclose when you are sharing a hotel room or bed with someone. I, for one, always make sure everyone knows that I snore. Yup. Snore. Since there were 3 of us in the king bed that night, I told BFFE and M that I snore (Bestie already was aware) and apologized for it. We lay there in the bed, whispering and giggling like schoolgirls for a while. M and her daughter actually were fighting loudly over the covers and who was gonna have them and BFFE and I could not stop laughing. After a bit and everyone had fallen asleep, I heard a new sound…a light snore was coming from Bestie on the other side of the bed. Then M started mumbling in her sleep. An even newer sound soon joined the cacophony that was occurring in our room and at first I could not place it. It was a squeaking type of sound and at first I thought I was imaging it because I thought I was the only one awake at that point (damn insomnia). The noise got increasingly louder until I realized that Bestie was grinding her teeth in her sleep. Holy Hannah it was loud. All of a sudden, BFFE says to me “What the hell is that?” and I about jumped out of my skin because I thought I was the only one awake. A small scream of terror and a little bit of pee escaped me. We started giggling and then we could not stop. Pretty sure I might have snorted as well. In the midst of our high school laughter fit, M starts talking in her sleep loudly and her daughter mumbled something in return. We start laughing even harder. I almost wet the bed. Moral of the story: If you do something like snore, talk in your sleep or grind your teeth and are sharing a hotel room with friends…warn them! I am pretty sure I would have come prepared with ear plugs. Oh…and I won’t even get started on the gassy issues everyone seemed to have….
BFFE and me at 4 am…can I get a Whoop Whoop?
Since we serve food so early in the morning, we were determined to be alive awake and enthusiastic. Not the easiest thing in the world to do at 4 am. BFFE and I managed to be serving hot food on the food line complete with dance music blaring from my phone to wake everyone up. Somehow, we decided when someone said they wanted a little bit of everything on the hot line, we would call it a “special” and give them a big “WHOOP WHOOP” with BFFE saying “I loves me a special” SUPER loud. Now imagine this at 4 am after walking 20 plus miles the day before and sleeping in a tent all night and getting ready to walk 20 more miles…yup…totally obnoxious. And all this without coffee. The WHOOP WHOOP could be heard I am sure for miles around at that time of morning. BFFE and I actually Whoop Whooped so much that we were hoarse by the end of the weekend. We actually had walkers doing it to us when they walked up to the line by the last morning. I am sure you could not find a more cheerful crew at all times of the day since I am sure it was from delirium and lack of sleep. The catering company we worked with told us we were obnoxious and they loved it. One of them, the Aussie, even got their revenge on BFFE and me…but I shall save that story for next time. I would hate to overload you with our obnoxiousness…
Stay tuned…more on me dancing the Cupid Shuffle in front of over 700 people, Aussie style revenge, photo booth pictures, and even more Whoop Whoops to come….plus the reasons why I do this every year.
Oh yeah…I didn’t die today. I did become obnoxious and loud at 4 am and learned some habits my crew has when sleeping but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl with a WHOOP WHOOP running. The experiment continues…
