Kristann Monaghan's Blog, page 17

A Bright Spot And A Ticket? For Val….

What a whirlwind month.  I just sent off the most important email of my life…the rough draft of my book to my publisher www.inknbeans.com  (check them out for other wonderful authors).  So now you know why I have not been on here as much entertaining you with my wit…because I was busy writing, editing and in the middle of it all grieving.  Yup.  Grieving.  Last week, in the middle of this crazy month, my BFF’s cousin died suddenly and it hit us hard.  Val was so excited for the book to come out and swore to me she was gonna be first in line to get a copy.  I will never forget her jumping up and down when she heard the news and hugging me repeatedly, wanting to hear every detail.  You are missed Val…greatly missed.  It has been a hard year.  Between BFF and I we have lost 6 people in the last 5 months in our two families alone.  Pretty sure God needs to pick on two other families now.  So sending off the book tonight was really a bright spot in the last year.

In memory of Val, I want to share with you one of my favorite stories about her.  I couldn’t share it at the rosary because the grief was too raw.  She was more than a friend.  My BFF’s family is my other family and Val was like a cousin to me as well.  To understand this story, you have to know that Val was a dispatcher for the Flagstaff PD for like ever.  This occurred one Thanksgiving morning.  I had worked all night and it was a rough night.  I just wanted to get home and get a quick nap before going over to BFF’s house for family dinner.  Of course it had snowed.  Damn snow.  So there I am, in my sleep deprived state, driving home through downtown Flag when all of a sudden there are lights in my rear view.  Am I being pulled over or is this cop trying to get somewhere?  It too a few moments for my sleepy brain to figure out I was being pulled over….ok it took him putting on his siren briefly.  Ugh.  Just what I needed.  A freaking ticket.  And I wasn’t even speeding.  Ok…maybe I was a little…but not too much I swear it.  Oh ok…I have no idea how fast I was going.  I was freaking tired and not really present in my body.  And of course I would have to get pulled over on the street that most everyone going home from the hospital goes down to get home AND did I mention my name is on the back of my car as advertisement for my Avon business.  Yup. No denying it is me getting pulled over and I was sure my phone was about to blow up with everyone asking what happened.  The cop politely came over and told me I was speeding…uh thanks?  And took all my info asking me why I was going so fast.  Um….I am tired and need to get home before I fall asleep behind the wheel?  The po-po proceeded to give me a lecture about driving fast under the weather conditions…pretty sure I took a slight nap during it.  Then he went back to his car to run my plates to see if I am a felon and write my ticket.  Upon returning and waking me from my other short little nap where I was dreaming of lounging in an orange jumpsuit while some other girl braids my hair and calls me her bitch, he leans in and hands me my info back and my ticket……wait.  This isn’t a ticket.  It’s a warning.  Huh?  He smiles and says to me “Oh yeah…Val says to quit speeding and get home and take a nap before you come over and have turkey.” We laughed, he walked away and I drove home assured I would not have to wear orange and be someone’s bitch in jail.  Thanks Val.

You are missed my friend. I love you.

Hug those you love tightly my friends.  You never know when they will be gone.  And tell them you love them…every day.  Val…I miss you.  Thanks for loving everyone so much.  Thanks for being my friend, my family….thanks for being my BFF’s cousin.  Watch over us all now…and be the first in line in Heaven to read the book.  Love you friend.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did have a bright spot in a terrible month but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who got out of a ticket and sent a life changing email running.  The experiment continues…

Skittles Skittles Bite Sized…WTH?

A few weeks ago on of the gals I met at the 3 Day who I adore and we became instant best friends (I call her BFFE) came up to visit.  During the visit, we decided to watch some movies and eat the candy I would sell my soul for…the little candy shelled bites of joy that are Skittles.  We settled in for the movie and popped some in our mouths only to both get a disgusting look on our faces.  WTH?  Who changed the flavor of the green ones and made them taste like something out of the dumpster? Seriously?  What the heck is that flavor?  We quickly looked at the package to discover that is said “Now with green apple flavor”.  Um. Ew.  Who decided that green apple was better than lime? Why change a good thing?  Why destroy the candy that I would do anything for….well almost anything.  And judging from the backlash I saw on the internet, I am not the only one who is upset about this change.  I found the flavor to leave such a bad taste in my mouth that I proceeded to pick them out the rest of the bag and we soon ended up with a pile of gross green Skittles.  So gross.  I mean there are other favors of Skittles, but those are usually bagged separately and not destroying the deliciousness that is the original flavors.  Pretty sure you cannot label them original flavor anymore. Nope.  The makers of Skittles have ruined them….if you wanted a change, why not get rid of the purple ones?  Those are not the best flavor.

So in light of the package containing the gross green apple ones, I went in search of a REAL bag of original Skittles and found that the big bags didn’t have those yucky ones anymore.  Happy Happy Happy.  Today when BFF and I went to the movies I, of course, asked for a bag of round little love snacks for the show.  BFF looks at the package and says the horrifying words “now with green apple?”  Noooooooooo!  Why?  Why must another movie be ruined with green apple flavored yuckiness?  The gal who sold them to us told us that they were good if you combined them with the red ones.  I dunno.  We settled in to watch our show and opened the glorious red bag so BFF could try the newly changed green ones.  I decided to try the red/green combo.  Huh.  Not too shabby.  Made them more palatable.  So tried the evil green ones with a yellow and that was even better.  BFF agreed that the only saving them was combining them with a different flavor.  Sigh.  Still think they should not say original on the package.  Because those are not the original flavors.  Stupid candy makers changing the only candy that brings me pure happiness.

Despite the Skittles debacle which made me have little sobs of disappointment, the past week has provided me with some great news that I can now share with everyone.  Awhile ago, my wonderous college roomie Susan Wells Bennett, who is a published author of now 11 novels (check her out she is awesome!) and a blog http://brightlightsbigcacti.wordpress.com  pointed her publisher to my little Fat Girl portion of the universe.  So lots of emails later and a wonderful Skype session with the publisher http://www.inknbeans.com/  I have to tell you that there will soon be more Fat Girl for you to read…in the form of a BOOK!  What?  Shut the front door!  That is right…you read that right!  Coming soon to a bookstore near you will be a book so you can enjoy more Fat Girl wherever you go.  I must say this is very exciting for me and I hope you all will help out a Fat Girl out and buy a copy.  I mean who doesn’t want to read more of the wonderful writing that I give you?

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did try to make the bite sized candies that have stolen my heart work now that they changed the flavor but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who is about to be published running. The experiment continues….

Inspiring You Fat Girl Style

As you may well know, I am a huge fan of reality TV so when I discovered many years ago a reality show about fat people trying to lose weight, The Biggest Loser and I became best friends.  I adore this show and all the inspiration it gives me to try to actually lose weight.  I have even bought cookbooks, diet plans and work out videos from the show (not that I actually use them but I have bought them mind you).   Of course I usually end up watching the show while eating something…which might defeat the purpose but is in true Fat Girl form.  I really do find the show inspiring that people can lose weight with lots of hard work and exercise and NOT with surgery.  Means I have some hope.  So this week was the season finale and as I sat here watching all these amazing transformations, I decided to inspire you…Fat Girl style.  So here you go:

Fat Girl’s Top 5 Ways To Gain Weight

Join a gym and try NOT to work out as much as possible.  I mean, come on, who wants to get sweaty and look like a raccoon dipped in grease?  Or have to wonder if the person before them actually wiped off the gym equipment.  Then there is the scarring incident of falling off the equipment in front of a gym full of people (yes sadly this REALLY did happen to me).  You don’t wanna be the Fat Girl who collides with the floor and creates a sonic boom loud enough for people to actually look around and see your fat ass face first on the floor with the machine still going.  Oh the humiliation.  As for working out at home, well, that is good and all but really do you want your neighbors to wonder if there is an elephant running through the neighborhood or wonder if your flooring is going to hold up to your bouncing around?  Pretty sure mine makes some scary noises when I attempt and seeing how I do not want to make the evening news as the Fat Girl stuck in her floor like Tom Hanks on The Money Pit, I shall also avoid this option.  So those exercise DVDs you have lying around?  Find another use for them such as door stops or coasters. They will be much more useful there.
Go shopping when you are hungry.  Somehow all of your favorite non-diet foods end up in your cart.  I think they just jump in there when you aren’t looking and you are so dazed by your hunger that you don’t notice them till the next day.  Then I open up my cabinets and wonder when the Skittles Fairy came by and left me a bag of those delicious little round fruity bites of happiness (Ok let’s not discuss the new addition of green apple to the bag…THAT my friends is a travesty and a rant for another time).  Or how did the Cheetos bag magically get refilled and sealed?  Pretty sure I got rid of the mostly empty bag on my attempt to diet.  It’s like my pantry is MAGIC!  Then I find the receipt from Target in my purse and my dreams of the Skittles Fairy goes out the window….sigh.  A girl can dream, right?
Take steroids when you have an allergic reaction or a really bad asthma attack.  Seriously.  That damn drug will eff you up in many ways including encouraging you to become a professional competitive eater.  Have you seen these people?  They actually time themselves to see how many hot dogs they can eat in one minute.  Ummmm….gross.  First off, I don’t eat tubular meat.  Wait…that sounded so wrong.  I don’t eat meat tubes?  Nope.  Still wrong.  Anyways….pretty sure when I take steroids I could out eat one of those competitive eater if I didn’t have to eat hot dogs.  Because hot dogs are gross.
Get rid of all your Fat Girl jeans.  This ensures you will gain weight and NONE of your new jeans will fit leaving you to only wear sweat pants and work out clothing or clothes you wore in the 80′s.  And yes, I did belong to the big hair club in the 80′s and my glasses were so huge they ate my face.  Pretty sure.  We all had big hair back then.  And we rocked the clothing back then.   Hey….big shirts that hang off your shoulder and leggings are back in style, right?  Now if only I could find my teasing comb and Aqua Net….
Have a REALLY comfy couch and sit down and watch A LOT of reality TV…including The Biggest Loser.  I swear my couch has invisible ties that it uses to keep me there as I watch everything on my DVR in one sitting.  This requires that bag of Skittles, Cheetos,  a LARGE soda and anything else I can eat to come and keep me company.  I mean you must have snacks, right?  Otherwise you will get so distracted by the rumbling in your tumbly that you won’t be able to concentrate on the reality TV you are trying to catch up on and then will have to repeat the pattern as you watch it again.  Trust me on this one.  Or you will wonder what to do with our hands the whole time you are watching….it is a vicious cycle I tell you so just have the snacks handy.  It will make watching Biggest Loser more fun as you shove Skittles down your throat.

In all seriousness, I am making a new commitment to myself to lose the weight I have recently put on because I have been sick and now just lazy.  It is way too easy to drive through Arby’s and get an apple turnover with my beef and cheddar meal than it is to eat healthy.  I like eating fast food as evidenced by the straw wrappers that paper the floor of my backseat of my car, but I just need to make better choices and not follow my own advice…this time.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I instead realized as I watched reality TV with a bag of Skittles that I wanted to recommit myself to this journey and not follow my own footsteps.  I am fat girl who still will dream of a Skittles Fairy while trying to lose weight (because that would be plain AWESOME) running.  The experiment continues….

My Milkshake Brings All The…Who Am I Kidding?

When wanting to bring all the boys or girls to the yard and your milkshake just isn’t cutting it, I have some sexy things that might help you get your groove on.  These are all brought to you courtesy of my new friend Prednisone.  These sexy little tidbits are sure to get the trailer rocking so don’t come a knocking.  I can’t imagine why I don’t have tons of knocks on my door right now…

My new level of energy is sure to bring on hours of bed shaking moon rocking fun if I can keep winded long enough to walk to the bed that is.  It literally feels like I am humming on a different frequency than the rest of the population.  It is like the world is moving is slow motion to the beat of my own heart as it jumps around in my chest cavity.  I feel like I have enough energy to clean the world yet just don’t have the stamina to do so which might make having a little swinging from the ceiling difficult.  Since I can barely walk from the store to my car without having a coughing fit, I don’t think even shaving my girly parts is worth it right now.  However, I do feel the need to stay up all night watching soft girl on girl porn masquerading in the form of a show called The L Word.  Go figure.
The new dance I have perfected on my front porch dressed in nothing but my cami top and panties is sure to bring the suitors  a running.  Why this new shimmy and shake?  I am standing out in the cold temps in nothing but my chonies to make the sweat on my body dry off and maybe make me cool down.  It is a nice new temperature that this drug is giving me.  One complete with these awesome sweats that I am sure could be mistaken for libido.  Go ahead…break out the ice.  I would LOVE that right about now.  Anything to bring down my core body temp that feels like I am living south of the equator in my own skin.  I am sure the neighbors are loving the half-naked fat girl trying to cool off dance at night.
The amount of food that a Fat Girl can eat I am sure just tripled.  Want to get into my bedroom?  Bring me a pizza and a LARGE bag of Skittles.  And some Diet Mountain Dew.  And pie.  Don’t forget the pie.  There must always be pie.  And feel free to bring yourself something to eat as well.
I might have crazy Mel Gibson eyes that you could mistake as love interest or my willingness to try some kinky stuff right now.  If I wasn’t so full of anxiety and humming at a different frequency and feel like I could start crying any minute over a commercial about tampons then I might be inclined to agree with you.  Don’t be fooled.  Pretty sure they are just crazy Mel Gibson eyes at this point.
My inability to keep a train of thought is also a deterrent to any kind of action at the moment.  I am easily distracted so if you hang something sparkly in front of me I may be gone for a while determining where I can hide it.  And while I am gone, I might have started 20 new projects that won’t ever get finished so you might fall asleep before I come back to bed.  Just saying.

I can’t imagine why I don’t have love interests lined up around the block right now.  These side effects are just plain sexy I tell ya.  Excuse me while I go stand outside for a few minutes and attempt to wipe the sheen of sweat off my upper lip to cool off.  Yeah..my milkshake brings all…oh I am so kidding myself right now.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover how much fun it is to have these sexy side effects as I wanted to change my clothes several times and eat the entire Panda Express but I didn’t die.  I am fat girl shaking my half-naked fat girl booty on my porch at night and humming along at a different frequency while watching soft girl on girl porn masquerading as television running.  The experiment continues…