Kristann Monaghan's Blog, page 11

Full Service Snafu and Little Red’s Big Day

When BFF and I travel, we usually choose to stay in nicer hotels.  Why?  I will be honest…we are hotel snobs.  It’s true.  We always joke that if the hotel does not have room service, we don’t stay there.  But there is a bit of truth to that.  We like to stay in nicer places, even when we just go down to Phoenix and last weekend was no exception.  Last weekend, BFF and I had the pleasure of going to Little Red’s first communion and confirmation.  Little Red had asked for both of us to be her sponsors so we went down to be the proud Ninas and of course I booked us a nice room just about 10 minutes away from the church at a nice full service Hilton.  Now, this was one we had never stayed at before, but since it was a Hilton, we were not worried at all.

We got to our hotel and waited patiently to check in as there was an older couple in front of us.  I will say this…if you are going to work at a full service hotel, then please smile.  The front desk girl had Resting Bitch Face the entire time she was checking us in.  I am not kidding.  And BFF and I are the Queens of Resting Bitch Face so we really do know.  Also…don’t have chipped nail polish.  Sigh.  It is the little things.  I know Pocket GF, who works front desk at a hotel, NEVER has Resting Bitch Face and always looks put together.  I don’t even think she is capable of Resting Bitch Face.  For reals….her personality is so bubbly and wonderful I could see her working at a hotel in DL and everyone loving her.  But, I digress. We followed the map and parked back by the elevator to our room and unloaded our car.  We went to get into the elevator and the older couple who was checking in before us joined us.  They were super nice and chatted us up about why we were there and why they checked in (their house was having work done).  We all got off and walked down the hall, chattering away  together until they stopped a couple of rooms down from where ours was and we said goodbye.

As we went to go into our room, the gentleman asked us where room 273 was locate.  Uh….that would be our room that we just opened with our key.  BFF and I looked at each other with obvious confusion and asked him if he was certain that was his room number.  He walked down and showed us his key portfolio….yup 273.  The EXACT same room number as ours.  We all stood there with our hotel room door open and laughed a little.  We tried their room keys which, of course, did not work.  Well huh.  Now what?  The gentleman asked if he could come in and use the phone to call the front desk and find out what the what was because we are pretty sure that all four of us did not want to share a room.  Can you say awkward?  I mean I love a good cuddle as the next one, but pretty sure that cuddling up next to a stranger is not what I had in mind.  In fact that might be qualified as creepy.  What if they wanted to get some freaky hotel sex on and we were stuck sharing a room with them?  We all know people get all freaky deaky in hotel rooms.  Ask my Bubby and Pocket GF.  They can tell you stories.  But I am pretty sure BFF and I did not want to be party to someone’s freaky hotel sex, no matter how nice they are.  And before you say “But they were older”…older people like to get their freak on too.  Don’t judge.  I just don’t want to have to watch it is all.  We also let his wife use our potty because she had to pee super bad.  No way was I gonna make someone wait to pee while their husband is arguing with Resting Bitch Face about the fact that yes we were all checked into the same room.  And I do mean ARGUING.  Resting Bitch Face finally told him to come back to the front desk and she would check him into a different room.  I would think a full service Hilton would have apologized, not argued, and run up a new set of key cards to the couple instead of making him go all the way back down.  At least they had a good sense of humor about it and we could all laugh about it.  Although BFF and I did wonder if we would get back from rehearsal and find someone else checked into our room have freaky hotel sex on our luggage.  You never know.  We are happy to report that this didn’t happen.  We did open our door rather cautiously but nope.  No strangers going at it in our hotel room.  Whew.

I must say, BFF and I are super proud of Little Red.  Despite having a major meltdown over the dress and the shoes (which I think was anxiety on her part), she did well.  She did have one moment, right before we went up to the priest, where she panicked and asked me what she was supposed to say.  I whispered it to her and we helped her out and then she was all confirmed and took her first communion.  Never have we seen such a fidgety group of kids as the row in front of us.  Every single one of them was fidgeting…except Little Red.  She sat straight up so her dress wouldn’t pop open (one of the pearl buttons popped open and we didn’t have time to safety pin it).  She was super duper cute and we are so proud of her!!  I shall now give you some cuteness overload

Be still my heart. For reals.
Two proud Ninas with Little Red!! She is so special!! There were so many cameras going off at once we had no idea where to look hence the gazing into the distance.
The 4 amigos! Big red joins us for a photo op
Bestie and me. I am lucky she asked me to be the Godmother to those two beauties

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did wonder if we were going to have to watch some strangers have freaky hotel sex when we got checked into the same hotel room but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who is so proud of her Little Red and hoping our next hotel clerk does not have Resting Bitch Face Running.  The experiment continues…

Upgrade Disney Style

Early february is normally when BFF and I take our annual We-hate-the-superbowl trip to Disneyland but due to a special co-worker of ours getting married that weekend, we decided to go later in the month.  On perusing the hotels, we opted to try out the Disneyland Hotel for the first time instead of the Grand Californian, which is where we normally stay.  Lots of our friends have stayed at this original hotel on the property and raved about it, so we went ahead and booked the room.  When I called to book, I decided to try out their “Club Level” which is  a special concierge level at the resort.  All we could tell from the description was that there was a special “club” for guests that served food and since we like to eat, we were in.  The cast member that booked our room over the phone assured me that once we tried this service, although a little more expensive, we would never want to come and stay without it.  Not sure what to expect, we headed out for our next Disney adventure.

We pulled up to the hotel and were greeted well like always, leaving our luggage with the bellhop and our car to valet, we walked inside to check in.  Immediately, the cast member gave us gold room keys and told us that the concierge would be right with us.  Another cast member came right up to us with a folder full of information, checked us in right there super fast and made sure we had all we needed.  Then she told us she would give us a tour.  A tour?  Wow….we felt special.  She told us when the Club was open and what food was being served…oh yeah….a Fat Girl’s wet dream that different foods were offered at different points during the day all at no cost.  You had me at food.  No need to say more little cast member.  Just point me in the direction of a buffet and we are good to go.  I may never leave.  Our personal cast member took us over to the Adventure Tower, which she explained was where the Club was located and conveniently our room a couple of floors down.  She took us up to the top level, explaining that our room keys would get us in and that we were going to love this part of the hotel.  We entered the Club and were greeted by an impressive view of the park, two more cast members at our service and a buffet spread of food that was to die for…my mouth waters even now thinking of the word buffet.  Especially a Disney buffet.  Who are we kidding….we all know buffet is the Fat Girl’s favorite word.  Our personal cast member even pointed out a HUGE fridge filled with sodas, juice and even bottled water.  WHAT?  This was gonna save us so much money not having to buy bottled water.  SCORE!  BFF and I looked at each other totally excited and helped ourselves to some liquid beverages.  And bonus….you could get beer and wine as well.  Also, you can rent movies for free from the Club and not just the cartoon Disney movies but any of their parent companies.  This was the life!  We were then left to our own devices to go and play until our room was ready.

And play we did!  As usual, nothing stopped us from having fun even a bit of rain one day.  One draw back to the Disneyland Hotel is that is sits back further on the property than either of the other two hotels.  It made a difference as it added 3 miles of walking per day to our normally 10 miles a day since we came back multiple times to eat.  I mean there was continental breakfast, midday snacks, late day finger food like mini pizza and meatballs, and then a dessert time.  Trust me.  We did not miss dessert time.  ANY of the nights.  Would you?  It saved us several meals that we didn’t eat in the park, including breakfast which we normally do room service for and snacks…with a couple of exceptions like Dole Whip and popcorn.  Of course BFF doesn’t share her popcorn very well even though it was a HUGE tub of it.  Popcorn hoarder.  She even started shoveling it into her cheek like Chip or Dale (which one is which again?  I can’t ever remember).  Even though it rained, we got Dole Whip…because…Dole Whip is why.  And NO line in the rain!

Dole Whip is a must even in the rain!
Why won’t you share? Popcorn hoarder
Eating midday snackage in the exclusive Club. BFF loved their homemade chips and salsa…mmmmmm

But all the extra walking took a toll on us and really did make a difference.  I swear we felt like little old ladies and BFF even said “This hotel being further is a young man’s game.”  The rooms were super cute and all old school Disney but we just love the Grand.  One thing I wish the Grand had that this one had is the headboards on the beds.  They lit up and played music!  Insert dreamy sigh here.  I loved that headboard.  It was always lit up at night when we came back and I liked to turn it on to hear the music….something BFF got tired of quite quickly and she is probably glad they don’t have those at the Grand.  I believe she told me “If you turn that damn thing on one more time, I will hurt you.”  (Pssst…I still turned it on again.)  The room did have these amazing floor to ceiling windows that provided amazing views…we had a corner room as well so double the windows.  We even saw a bride doing photo on the grounds.  But the rooms not as sound proofed as the Grand.  We could hear the people next door quite clearly and the band playing in Downtown Disney like it was in our room.  But the magic was in all the details like usual and we had a glorious time.

The MAGICAL headboard the BFF regrets they had in our room.  Ask her…I think I played it 20 times a day…
The magic is in the details….pillows on the beds
View from our room. You can see parts of the park…so far away….
The other view from our room. See the taller hotel? That is the Paradise Pier and the longer wider brown one is the Grand Californian. See how far away we are? SEE?

The cast member who booked our rooms was right.  I doubt we will ever book a room that is not Club Level again.  We already cannot wait to try it at the Grand.  Don’t hate us Grand…we still love you and we are sorry we cheated on you with your counterpart.  We won’t do it again we swear.  Our bodies can’t handle the 3 miles a day extra in walking….although it is probably good considering I ate my weight in desserts alone.  EVERY day.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did try out an upgrade Disney style and ate my weight in free desserts because…buffet…but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl limping back to the Grand next visit hoping she doesn’t think we cheated on her Running.  The experiment continues…

Game Night With The Fat Girl

I love a good board game.  I feel it is one of the best bonding experiences you can have with people.  We played a lot of board games as children…my parents usually had a game night once a week.  Therefore, when birthdays come around in my family, game night is usually the activity of choice for most of us.  This was the case with Pocket GF’s birthday, where we played Geek Battle and just recently with BFF’s birthday where we were introduced to the wonderous game of Cards Against Humanity.  Holy cow….if you have not played this game, then you must.  It is hysterical and also NOT a family game.  This one is for sure for adults only.

So, the basic premise of the game is you are handed answer cards with the most random, absurd and sometimes bordering on racist answers.  A question is played and you pick an answer that you think is the best one (and usually highly inappropriate) and see if your answer is picked.  I am not kidding you in saying that these answers are so random and inappropriate that I have never laughed so hard in my life playing a game.  I am pretty sure we all pulled muscles laughing.  I also loved that half the time, we would play a card and apologize because we knew it was inappropriate or bordering on racist.  Let me give you some examples that might make you cringe, shake your head or laugh out loud.  It’s ok if you do cuz I know we did.  Lots.

The question card was “What is that smell?”  I looked over my answers and had several I could have used.  “Old people”…that is a good one.  Hmmmm….what else do I have.  “sperm whales”…nope that won’t work.  OH!  There it is…the card I cringed a little at playing but started giggling anyways.  I placed it on the table and let Bubby pick it up to read.  He immediately started looking at the cards and shaking his head while laughing.  He almost could not read mine.  Carefully trying not to laugh, he said “What is that smell?  Auschwitz.”  Clear winner for most inappropriate answer.  The next best inappropriate answer was “pixellated bukkake”  Who the hell comes up with these answers?  Do I even want to know when you would answer a question with “Two midgets shitting in a bucket?” or “A Super Soaker filled with cat pee”?  But honestly the winner of the internets that night was BFF when we got the following question:  “Lifetime presents: _______.  The story of ____________.”  Her answer?  “Lifetime presents:  Dying.  The story of Grandma.”  Yup.  That happened.

Other question and answers included:  “What would you bring back in time to prove you were a powerful wizard?  A: Tom Cruise”  “If you were President, what department would you create?  A: Mother fucking wizardry.”  “They said it couldn’t be done.  __________ in _________.  A: A thousand points of light in a sperm whale.”  “Miley Cyrus stars in a Disney Channel Movie where Hannah Montana discovers _____ for the first time.  A:  Pixellated bukkake”  Oh and we had to explain pixellated bukkake to BFF.  For reals.  How the hell do you explain that?   In telling this story to a group of our friends at a party yesterday, one of them even asked Siri what it was…go ahead.  Try it.  You won’t forget that term.  Like ever.  I am pretty sure we might all be going to Hell based on those answers and yet we laughed every single time.  Good times.  We also decided that the card that will ALWAYS win is “Sex with Patrick Stewart”.  Always. Because sex with Patrick Stewart is why.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover how much laughter can be had in one game and that BFF did not know what pixellated bukkake was but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl playing highly inappropriate cards in a game without shame Running.  The experiment continues…

The Time I Was Grateful My Grandma Was the Lunch Lady

I know I have said before that I grew up in a small town in Iowa, but really it was small when I was growing up and one of the reasons I loved it as a kid.  I could bike to my Aunty T’s house or my Grandma’s (once she moved into town and wasn’t out on the farm where my Daddy grew up) and my Mom really never had to worry where I was or who I was with because someone would know.  It had its drawbacks though…I mean everyone knew who you belonged to and that meant you could not get away with much.  My family was also everywhere.  My Grandma worked for the school system and was the head cook so everyone knew her.  Grandma was a special woman and an inspiration to me.  I was the very first grandchild, so Grandma and I had a special bond and I lost her way too early…when I was 18.  I miss her every day.  As a child, sometimes having Grandma right there in the schools was not always a blessing but, there was one time I was super grateful that she was in my elementary school that day making rounds in the kitchen.

My Mommy, having just had a baby and returned to work, was in the habit of packing my lunch the night before to save her some time since she had two kiddos to get ready in the morning as well as herself. Something I am sure the busy moms who read this can understand and appreciate.  I don’t think I would ever be that organized, but that is my Mommy.  She is way organized…a trait I did not inherit from her.  By prepping my lunch ahead of time, all she had to do was grab my lunch box (which at this point in 6th grade was probably something like a Holly Hobbie lunch box) out of the fridge and hand it to me as she shoved me out the door so I could walk the few blocks to school.  And I do mean shove…she was usually in a hurry considering she had to get Bubby ready to be dropped off at the baby sitters so she could go to work and my Dad was usually already on his way to work before she left.  So, this particular day was not unusual as I was handed my lunchbox, my backpack and given a kiss before I met the neighbor girl to walk to school.  The problem came at lunchtime.

I sat down in the lunchroom with all the other 6th graders and proceeded to get open my lunch box.  There was a lot of little Tupperware containers in my lunch, which was not too unusual, considering my mom often packed small things in these containers but I noticed there was no thermos or sandwich which was odd.  Huh.  Pretty sure I had requested ham and cheese with Oreos but nope.  Not there.  Ok…I wondered what she had packed.  I started by opening the first container and it had something that could be applesauce in it.  Alright…I guess I will start with that and I took the spoon out of the lunch box and put a big spoonful in my mouth.  Oh holy what in God’s name is that flavor and texture in my mouth because that is sure as hell NOT applesauce!  I was pretty sure that my Mommy was trying to poison me with something rancid.  Was she trying to tell me I was already a Fat Girl and needed to lose weight?  Why else would she give me some sort of pureed hell for lunch?  I quickly realized it might be some sort of vegetable or fruit but what ever it was and what ever she was trying to feed me, I was not going to eat that.  I quickly opened the other Tupperware containers in my lunch box and discovered all sorts of things that I soon figured out was meats and veggies.  It then hit me…this was Bubby’s lunch.  My Mommy had obviously mixed up what she was doing and packed my whole lunch box filled with baby food.  Which meant only one thing…Bubby had my ham and cheese sandwich and Oreos.  Having now surmised my tired, frazzled Mommy had mixed up our lunches, I wondered what to do considering I had no money for lunch.  I eyed everyone else’s chili and cinnamon rolls with envy and listened to my stomach growl with protest.  First off, my Grandma’s chili and cinnamon rolls are legendary in our small town school system.  Nothing like them ever.  And no…the combo is not weird.  It is heavenly and anyone in our town will tell you they look forward to that day at school.  Secondly…I was starving.  I was unsure of how to acquire food but I knew I could not sit there and starve.  So I did the only thing I knew to do.  I went in search of my Grandma.

I walked up to the lunch counter and saw one of the lunch ladies that I liked and asked if by any chance she could call my Grandma at the high school in order to get a tray.  She smiled at me and told me my Grandma happened to be in the back of the kitchen that day and she went and got her.  I was never so relieved to see my beautiful Grandma’s smiling face under her hair net and in her apron as I was that day.  I explained what had happened with the lunches and how I had nothing edible to eat because there was no way that I was going to eat the pureed hell that was packed in there when in fact, I was felt quite sorry for my Bubby if he had to eat that.  I now understood why he sometimes made the faces he did when we shoveled food into his mouth.  I would make those faces too if that pureed hell was put in my mouth.  Grandma, smiling, told me to hang on and quickly reappeared with a steaming bowl of chili and the largest cinnamon roll you have ever seen just for me.  She came around the counter, handed me the tray and gave me a hug and told me to hurry up and eat and that there would be a good snack waiting for me at her house after school.  Never in my life was I so grateful that my Grandma worked in the kitchen as I was that day.  I was also super grateful that pureed hell was not what I was stuck eating.  My Mommy was so embarrassed when we told her but she laughed pretty hard when I told her I felt sorry for Bubby and he could have my ham and cheese anyday instead of that pureed hell she made him eat.

My beautiful Grandma with me and my cousin, who is 2 weeks younger than me. I am the blondie with the pink car…I miss her every day.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I discovered that babies have a special kind of pureed hell they have to eat when my poor tired Mommy gave me my Bubby’s lunch instead but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who is grateful I didn’t have to eat that and got my Grandma’s chili and cinnamon roll instead Running.  The experiment continues…

The Power of an Email or Once Again Why Colleen Hoover is My Favorite Author

Remember how I talked about how I sent some of my books to a charity called The Bookworm Box (btw link is here if you hover and several other links in this post!)?  Well, every month, my absolute favorite author Colleen Hoover picks a charity or two to donate all the proceeds to…last month they raised over $11,000 that was donated.  The boxes go on sale at a certain time and date and sell out fast!!  Like within 10 minutes!  Each box contains books from indie or best-selling authors and swag and other fun stuff.  I lucked out and got myself one last month so I am excited to see it when it arrives this next week.  Last month, however, I took a shot and wrote Colleen an email about a project I am involved in at work that needed funds.  I am about to tell you about the power of an email.

A few years ago, our Peds/Picu unit lost someone very dear to us.  One of our techs Stephen died suddenly in his sleep from a heart attack.  He was beloved on our floor…he absolutely loved his job and the kiddos loved him.  Stephen was an avid quilter and the quilts he made were gorgeous.  When staff had babies or got married, you can bet they got a special quilt that Stephen made for them.  His quilts were treasures and brought lots of children comfort.  When he died, his partner J and I tried to figure out what to do with the donations that were given in his memory to the unit.  We finally decided to put the funds to a perfect use:  quilts for every child that comes through our unit that they can take home and bring them comfort while they are sick.  We partnered with a phenomenal organization Quilts for Kids ….they have volunteers who make quilts and they send them to hospitals like ours, we just pay shipping (which adds up to about $1-2 a quilt).  Stephen’s Quilts for Kids was started with these funds and every child who came through our doors has gotten a quilt.  These quilts are a source of comfort and the nurses take great care in picking out one for each kiddo.  It is a program I am so proud of because it keep Stephen’s memory alive…each quilt is tagged with a card explaining about him and the program so every parent knows why they are getting one.

Stephen quilting the last quilt he made before he died. It was for one of our staff members who was having a baby. Miss you my friend.

Recently, I realized that our funds were running low in our account to support this program and started brainstorming what to do to save it.  It means so much to me, the kids, the staff and to Stephen’s partner J.  It had to be saved! Knowing about The Bookworm Box, I took a shot.  I wrote an email to Colleen Hoover, describing our program and pleaded that she make our small tiny little insignificant program a source of her donations.  I wrote it after a night of working, so I am sure I rambled on and on and on without any commas, but I had to try right?  A Fat Girl has to take a chance!  I hit send and never heard a word back.  Ok….well I tried.

Tonight, my Seester calls me and asks me if I watched the video Colleen had made about the upcoming Bookworm Boxes.  Ummmm…No.  I tried to watch the video but my phone was being persnickety. I had seen when they were coming out (Sunday April 19 at 3pm central time btw) and made an alarm in my phone so I could try and get one.  What was the big deal?  She starts screaming at me to go watch it like someone had died or something.  What the heck?  I was naked of course, as I was gonna get in the shower but answered her call (thank goodness it wasn’t a video call), so didn’t want to go to my computer.  Frustrated, Seester plays the video and holds up her phone so I can hear it…and then it happened.  I heard plain as day, Colleen Hoover say MY name and talk about our Stephen’s Quilts for Kids and how she was donating $5000 to us!!  I can’t even.  Naked screaming occurred and I ran around my house, completely bare ass naked screaming at my Seester on the phone.  My curtains may have been open in my living room and I may have given the neighbors a show.  Naked Fat Girl Dance of Joy then occurred and I started sobbing.  Sobbing so hard I couldn’t even talk to my Seester for a few minutes.  Just watch…do your own Dance of Joy and let your eyes leak for a bit…

For reals.  I cannot even begin to say how grateful I am that Colleen read my email and decided to help us.  I just can’t even.  More naked screaming might have occurred and I might have even forgotten to shower I was so excited.  I also might have peed a little in excitement…thank goodness I have wood floors.  So anyways…try and get your hands on a Bookworm Box this Sunday to help support us…I know I will!  If you can’t and want to make a donation anyways then go to the link here for theFlagstaff Medical Center Foundation and make sure you designate your donation for Stephen Findley Quilts for Kids.  This is an amazing opportunity for our kiddos that we serve.  I am so glad I took a chance.  Words have power.  Emails can change lives.  This is why Colleen is my favorite author EVER.  Colleen Hoover…I want to be you when I grow up.  Seriously.  And from the bottom of my heart…THANK YOU!

Now excuse me, but my eyes are leaking and I need to maybe go shower since I forgot that earlier.  Oh yeah…and maybe clean up a puddle of pee.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did have one of the most amazing things happen in memory of my friend Stephen but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who runs through her house naked while screaming and leaking pee Running.  The experiment continues…

How I Forgot to Speak English When I Met Two of my Favorite Authors

I did something super exciting and super nerdy last week that I cannot wait to tell you all about. ��I went to a HUGE book signing in Austin, TX! ��My Seester and CallieBear all decided to go meet some of our favorite authors and CallieBear and I flew into Dallas to meet up with Seester and then road tripped down to Austin. ��I had never been to a book signing before (besides my own) and so I was thrilled because two of my absolute favorites were going to be there…Cooleen Hoover and Tarryn Fisher. ��These two gals really touch my soul with their books and I am lucky to have had the opportunity to wallow in their greatness. ��I can only hope to someday grow up to be just like them. ��Seester is a pro at this book signing thing so CallieBear and I leaned on her to show us the ropes. ��The other thing is that Seester has already met them and is on super good terms with Colleen Hoover as she was on Nightline with her a few years ago (LUCKY! ��I also hope to be more like Seester when I grow up). ��So off we went to meet our favorites…more on the road trip later…that is a whole separate adventure. ��I could not wait to talk to these two…little did I know I would forget how to speak English around them.

When we arrived at our hotel in Austin, we decided to go hang out in the lobby with all the other book nerds and see who we could meet and such. ��I mean, you really do make instant friends at things like this as you are all there for the same reason and we knew some of the gals from a fan group we were all part of were also gonna be there. ��We were all wearing nerdy book shirts and I was wearing one that in particular all Colleen Hoover fans (or CoHorts as we are also known) would understand as it is the model Nick Bateman (scheduled to star in a movie adaptation��of one of Colleen’s books) stating No Pants Are The Best Pants. ��I mean….we all know they really are. ��I frequent this philosophy as does Pocket GF. ��Upon arriving to the lobby, who should appear but Colleen Hoover herself with treats for the fan group. ��I immediately became an introvert and starstruck at the same time. ��I didn’t even know what to say as she greeted my Seester and hugged her. ��She turned to me and said “You must be her Seester! OMG…I love your shirt and I must have a picture with you in it to send to Nick Bateman!” ��I am pretty sure I just gave her the super scary smile that might also look like I want to murder her in her sleep or just stand by her bed and watch her as she snores away like an utter creeper. I might have mumbled something unintelligent like “Uh huh. ok I love you and want to steal your soul in your dreams” if you had been able to understand what I was truly saying. ��I am almost certain it came out like this “Screech! Quack! Spit flying everywhere as I talk superfast in some unknown language!” ��Literally, I forgot how to speak English or even make sense when I did speak. ��When she offered me a cake ball, I might have said something like “I like to put balls in my mouth” and inwardly cringed as I could not get myself to shut up. ��Also, there might have been a little bit of a code Wet Pants as I was sure I was gonna pee with excitement. ��I was afraid she would take pity on Seester’s obviously mentally impaired sibling and pat me on the head, but instead she invited our group to join her and we moved over to where other gals who COULD speak English were sitting and hanging out. ��Colleen was even glad to pose with us for some pictures although I am sure she was still thinking I was mentally impaired in some way and wondering why Seester could not control her spaz of a sibling. ��Really. ��I needed some serious help and was hoping the next day at the signing would be better and I would not make a fool of myself.

CallieBear and I like balls in our mouths….

Me and Colleen Hoover…scary creeper smile included

The next day was the big event and I was bound and determined to be able to talk to Colleen Hoover like a normal girl and dispel the myth that I never completed more than third grade. ��After standing in line for about 90 minutes to see Tarryn Fisher and Colleen Hoover, it was finally my turn to see both of them. ��I almost peed my pants in anticipation. ��I really should think about investing in some sort of bladder control product. ��I mean..for reals. ��It is a real issue…haven’t you seen the commercials? ��I got up there and I was able to actually talk to Colleen using real English..whew! ��Then I turned to Tarryn and it happened again….I froze and spoke gibberish or some sort of secret language that in my mind Tarryn understood perfectly. ��I might have started doing an interpretive dance to get my point across about how much I love her and her books. ��A restraining order might have been filed. ��I might have died of embarrassment. ��What the heck was wrong with me that I could not form words? ��Who knew I would turn into some laughing idiot that giggled nervously the entire time I was standing there. ��I swear they are gonna ban me from any of their other signings. ��Ugh. ��We spent the rest of the day meeting other fantastic authors that I discovered I could speak English with and then we made plans to go to the meet and greet that night.

At the meet and greet, a lot of the authors were mingling around with their fans and this was so informal and fun. ��I got to stop and chat with several of them. ��I decided to run up to the room because I had a headache so I got in the elevator and who should get in with me? ��Tarryn Fisher! ��My immediate reaction is to text my Seester which read “OMG! I am in the elevator with Tarryn freaking Fisher!” ��She turned to me and started to talk…oh no….I felt the scary creeper smile coming on my face and I felt like the character in Misery. Tarryn was probably afraid I was gonna trap her in my house and hobble her with a sledgehammer. ��I again could not form words and just nodded with my creeper smile in place. ��Of course, when I got out and joined Seester and CallieBear, I immediately went on and on about how she had been in the elevator with me and CallieBear told me how she had this great conversation with Tarryn. ��I stated how I wished I could do that when Tarryn herself came over to talk with us. ��I told myself to get it together and immediately opened my mouth…SURPRISE! ��I could once again speak English and apologized for looking like a scary creeper in the elevator. ��She just laughed and told me she gets like that too and graciously took a picture with me and hugged me. ��I was so glad I was able to form words this time and not be a complete weirdo.

Why do I always look like I am trying not to pee myself? The beautiful authors Tarryn Fisher and Colleen Hoover trying to not look scared of me

Tarryn Fisher and I after I learned how to speak English again…I still have the scary creeper I might tie you to a bed and hobble you smile

One important thing I learned from going to a signing as an author…be as gracious to your fans as all these authors were, interpretive dance and all. ��And I can only hope someday that someone gets as fangirl over me as I did over them. ��I can only dream. ��Thanks ladies for inspiring me as an author, ripping out my heart and crushing it with your words, and helping heal my soul with your books. ��You two ladies are some of the baddest asses out there and I am glad you didn’t take out a restraining order on me.

Oh yeah. ��I didn’t die today. ��I might have become a babbling idiot when meeting my two favorite authors, but I didn’t die. ��I am Fat Girl doing interpretive dance and trying to learn English while meeting Colleen Hoover and Tarryn Fisher Running. ��The experiment continues…

Road Trip With BFF in Which I Learn My Vagina is NOT a Wine Bottle

I love a good road trip with BFF…she is a fun passenger to have and quite entertaining as I am sure you can imagine. ��The two of us can keep each other entertained for hours on end. ��We have now driven twice to Disneyland and had a blast each time. ��It seems that at some point in any road trip, the drive can get a little monotonous. ��For us, this is the part of the drive in the Mojave desert from Needles to Barstow, CA. ��Seriously, that must be the armpit of America. ��Not only is this part of the drive boring, but there are literally NO places to go potty. ��No rape stops…uh…I mean rest stops at all in between. ��Herein lies the problem I encountered this time on our way to DL.

Last time when we drove through the Mojave, it was at night so the drive was not as boring because we could not see how boring it is I think. ��Plus, we stopped in Needles to gas up and that helped right before we hit the armpit portion of the drive. ��We won’t talk about the scary gas station restroom we used there and how we might have been afraid we might get murdered since it was like 10 pm and the door was broken. ��If the guys working hadn’t been so nice, I might have been afraid they were gonna tie us up and take us to their hideout in the foothills of the desert where we would have starred in our personal horror movie of some sorts. ��We vowed to never use that Murder station as a potty break again. ��This time, we gassed up in Kingman, so we didn’t need to stop for gas in Needles. ��Of course, this means we didn’t stop to potty either, maybe out of fear that we would not remember and hit the same Murder station or what, but we just kept going. ��Of course, we had a cooler full of water and Gatorade and sodas which I decided was a great idea to down several of these on the way into the armpit portion of the drive. ��No worries…Barstow can’t be that far, right? ��WRONG.

Ever notice how when you REALLY have to pee that there is never a place to go and it occupies your entire mind? ��A few miles can seem like torture. ��I started feeling like I had to pee and of course trued to will it away seeing as how we were in the middle of the desert. ��For those of you not aware, there are no bushes or trees to hide you on the side of the road when you drive through the desert. ��There is nothing. ��Literally. ��I tried everything to ignore how bad I had to go. ��I changed positions, moved the seatbelt, sang some songs, and attempted to not think about how full my bladder was getting every second. ��I mean, there was no way I wanted to pee on the side of the road. ��It was like a scene out of The Hills Have Eyes out there and I could see myself getting dragged away still peeing the entire time so the only way for someone to find me before I got turned into a dinner was a stream of pee that would dry up in the sun anyways. ��I was doomed. ��I needed to find a rape stop at this point. ��For reals. ��It was starting to get so desperate that I was looking ahead on the horizon for any signs of a gas station or an exit, thinking it couldn’t be that far. ��I was squirming in my seat when BFF announces she also has to pee. ��Dang it. ��We should have stopped. ��BFF states hers isn’t dire��but I tell her mine is and she notices how visibly uncomfortable I am. ��Then my kidneys started to hurt and I knew with my history that I had to stop…and soon….like NOW. ��I told BFF I would have to stop and soon so she started looking as well.

Finally, I decided I could not wait any more. ��I turned to BFF and said “Eff this. ��I am pulling off and using the side of the road.” ��BFF looked at me incredulously probably thinking that there was no way I could pull this off with no cover and that I might get dragged off to my doom into the desert as well. ��I quickly scanned the horizon for another option and seeing nothing but desert and highway, I made my decision and seeing a widened area, I pulled off and grabbed some tissues. ��I could see BFF still trying to figure out how this was gonna work when I opened the back door and waving at her through her window, I grabbed the handle of her door and yelled “Don’t look!” ��to which of course she turned and yelled back “Well, now all I can do is look!” ��Blocked��by the back door to oncoming traffic, I dropped trow and proceeded to feel that sweet release as I made sure I didn’t pee on my shoes or pants due to al the rocks. ��A wide stance is quite recommended in this situation in case you didn’t know. ��Guys have it so easy. ��They don’t have to worry about their pants or their shoes or flash their bare white ass to the oncoming semi truck drivers, thereby blinding them with its brightness and causing a traffic accident. ��I swear I peed for like ten minutes and really felt like I only topped off my bladder enough to get me to the next rape stop to properly use a bathroom.

Climbing back in the car, BFF explains to me she is amazed I did that as she could never pee on the side of the road without peeing on herself. ��Then this conversation happened as I drove off in search of a proper toilet:

Me: ��“Pretty sure I didn’t even pee all that is in there cuz I still have to go.”

BFF: ��“You peed for like ten minutes I swear. ��I thought you had been dragged off into the desert and I was gonna die in the car.”

Me: ��“It was like I pulled the cork on my bladder and it kept coming.”

BFF who looks at me quietly for a minute: ��“Did you seriously just compare your vagina to a wine bottle? ��Your vagina is not a wine bottle. ��You cannot uncork it.”

Insert hysterical laughter and maybe some pee in our panties here. ��I love her. ��Best road companion on the planet. ��You know you wanna take a road trip with us.

Oh yeah. ��I didn’t die today. ��I did discover that we should probably make a pee stop BEFORE we hit the armpit portion of our drive but I didn’t die. ��I am the Fat Girl who learned her vagina is NOT a wine bottle Running. ��The experiment continues….

The Disneyland Christmas Parade Event: Another Guide to Life by BFF

Since my last post was about Disneyland and BFF, I thought I would tell you some more good ways to handle people per BFF. ��I mean, she has some major people skills my friends. ��Not many people can pull off kicking a kid in line and what happened at the Christmas parade like BFF. ��She can handle people in a parade crowd like no other. ��Let’s just say I would not want to get on her bad side…like ever. ��She is one tough tiny little Mexican woman! ��Now that I have you intrigued, let’s get on with our story. ��The Disneyland Christmas Parade Event…

We were at DL right as they started the Christmas season this past trip and we were thrilled. ��We normally go at Halloween so to go at Christmas time (even thought it was November) was a nice change and so much fun. ��If you have never gone there on a holiday, I highly recommend it, ��There is nothing like a good Disney magic and the holidays put together. ��We were stoked that they had a Christmas parade and planned our schedule accordingly. ��Ever been at DL and seen people sitting along the curb of Main Street and wondered why? They are waiting for the parade to start. ��Know this about catching a parade at House of Mouse: ��you NEED to plan to sit for the parade along the route about an hour in advance if you want a good front row seat and don’t want to be peering over the heads of anyone else. ��We usually take this time to send one of us to get a snack and enjoy the people watching. ��It is a good time to sit, rest your feet and enjoy all the craziness around you. ��We actually found a bench and were thrilled we didn’t have to sit on the ground, so we staked out the bench, got a bucket of popcorn and sodas and enjoyed our break about an hour before the parade was scheduled to start. ��Now remember, we are not the only ones doing this. ��Lots of families are also camped out with blankets and snacks…little ones napping in strollers placed carefully behind them and people saving spots with jackets and such. ��It is a common practice. ��We had a nice conversation with the older lady and her son sitting on the bench next to us and were enjoying the little girls dressed as Elsa next to us who were beside themselves waiting to see the Princesses in the parade.

Disney is fantastic announcing that the parade is going to start and they do so over the loudspeakers about 30 minutes ahead of time. ��So really, unless you are in a bubble while you are there, you know the parade is about to start by the gathering crowd, the vendor carts trolling the parade route to sugar up your children and spend your last few dollars on light up balloons and other crap to entertain them while they wait, the Cast members roping off the area and did I mention the announcements over the loud speakers? ��Not to mention, they hand you a schedule when you walk in the park with the parade times on it. ��People start to get hurried around the 15 minute mark and try to quickly find space for their kiddos to see without being blocked….although usually all the good spots are gone by then. Several times, we told people that no they could not sit in front of us and they assumed we were saving spots and left. �� Five minutes before the parade is to reach us, we can hear the music from where it has already started coming down the route and we see families start to get frantic about finding spots. ��Timing people. ��Timing and planning will save you this stress. ��We are excited to see the parade when all of a sudden…it happened…the Disneyland Christmas Parade Event.

A woman, her husband, and two small children in a stroller (both under 3) come running down the parade route frantically looking for a place to watch the parade. ��They see us sitting on our bench (although we were planning on standing once the parade started to get pictures) and the Mom decides to run over to us park her stroller in front of us and not say a word. ��Wrong move. ��We both immediately stand up and BFF starts to have a conversation with the Mom. ��It goes like this:

BFF: ��“I’m sorry. ��You can’t stand here or park your stroller here. ��We were planning on standing for the parade and you are in front of us. ��If you could please move, that would be great.”

Mom (looking shocked and annoyed): ��“Look lady. ��We didn’t know we would be caught up in this and we need a place to watch.”

BFF (raising eyebrows and standing a little taller): ��“I am sorry but we have been here for over an hour. ��You should have planned better. ��These are our spots so you need to move. ��Now.”

Annoying Mother with a Huge Stroller (whose husband is now trying to pull her away): ��“You don’t need to be so nasty! ��This is Disneyland for Christ’s sake! ��I have two small children in a stroller here!!” ��She has now resorted to yelling at BFF…wrong move number 2.

BFF (now pulling out all her Mexican and getting in the Shouting Mother’s face): ��“I am not being nasty. ��I am telling you next time to plan better and get here an hour early like we did. ��Your children are too young to even care about the parade anyways. You are being rude and need to leave. ��Like RIGHT NOW.” I am now terrified BFF with hand me her purse, take off her earrings and kick off her shoes like the Mexican girl she is and we will get kicked out because she will kick some Soccer Mom’s jogging booty over a place to watch the parade. ��What am doing? ��Standing behind her saying things like “Yeah!” and “Leave” and other such one word retorts and making faces like a good Fat Girl sidekick.

Angry Soccer Mom who needs a Dole Whip to the face: ��“You have ruined my children’s trip to Disneyland!” ��Her husband is now anxiously pulling her away and has yet to say a word…pussy. ��I would be scared of BFF too…or maybe he was scared of his wife.

BFF (as Disgruntled Mom indignantly strides off looking back at us with all the venom she can muster): ��“Your children don’t even have formative memory! ��They won’t remember this trip!” ��We then high-fived each other.

Pretty sure the couple next to us gave us a round of applause probably because they were afraid to cross us. ��I wouldn’t either…BFF can handle her own when she is fighting for a spot to watch the parade from! ��Needless to say, we enjoyed the parade without a stroller in front of us taking our spots we had sought out an hour ahead of time. Planning people. ��Planning will make your trip oh so much better. ��Sigh. ��But BFF…she is awesome. ��I love her.

Oh yeah. ��I didn’t die today. ��I did however witness my BFF go all Mexican on a Soccer Mom over a spot to watch the Disneyland Christmas Parade but I didn’t die. ��I am Fat Girl with another Guide to Life by BFF Running. ��The experiment continues…

 

A Guide to Dealing With Children in Lines: BFF Style

This weekend was Superbowl weekend, which normally BFF and I spend in Disneyland due to nobody being there. This year, however, we postponed our trip due to a co-worker we adore getting married. ��We are planning on going at the end of the month instead…measles outbreak be damned. ��In fact, we are glad we are going because of the measles outbreak…it means there will be fewer children to deal with in lines than usual. ��Plus, we are both vaccinated (Science!) so we have nothing to fear. ��As BFF pointed out, fewer children means less annoying events in line which we always run into for some reason…like a child licking the chain repeatedly while we were in line for Space Mountain. On our last trip, the most annoying of annoying events happened while in line and BFF dealt with it in the best way possible.

Let me set this up for you: ��we were in line for the coveted Cars ride and we had fast passes for it. ��Which meant we wouldn’t have to wait the 90 minutes the regular people in line had to wait. ��It also meant that we had a separate line with other fast pass holders and got to officially “cut” in line. ��This really is the only way to ride this highly popular ride as teh line is always long. ��We were behind a family whose child was not paying attention to the line moving and several times had to be told by his parents to get up with the family. ��I hate this aspect of waiting in line the most….people who do not pay attention to the line moving and end up with a huge gap for minutes to eternity until they acted shocked the line moved and finally move up, much to the annoyance of the rest of us behind them. ��I really have no patience with these people…especially children who are too busy doing something they shouldn’t (like licking the chain) be instead of moving up in line. ��The Cars ride has metal railings on either side of the line (looks like radiator pipes for effect) and for some reason, this little Mouseketeer thought it would be a fine idea to place one foot on either side of the line on these railings to walk. ��Thereby, moving the line slowly and leaving a gap a whole car from the ride could fit into the fast pass line. ��ANNOYING.

BFF and I were quietly and carefully plotting this child’s “accident” in line when BFF got a call from her Momma so she answered it. Note: ��she did NOT in any way hold up the line while on the phone with her Momma! ��She was able to manage answering the phone, talking and moving up in line all at the same time. ��Amazing. ��Not once was she annoying to anyone behind her because she understands proper line etiquette. ��The child in front of us, however, was still spread eagle attempting to walk on the railings despite repeatedly being told by Cast Members and his parents to stop doing it. ��BFF, still on the phone, looks and sees the now school bus sized gap between him and his family and decides she has had enough. ��She looks at me, glances at the kid still straddling the line like Stretch Armstrong, and decides to deal with the annoyance quickly and quietly. ��By kicking him square in the booty. ��Yup. ��Kicks him in the butt. ��No apologies. ��Square in the tushie she planted her foot and caused him to fall down and run to his parents, all the while looking at both of us. ��I turn to her and mouth “Did you just kick him?” ��to which she replied by looking innocent and we both hear the people laughing behind us because I don’t think the y realized we didn’t know the Annoying One. ��I am trying not to laugh now and BFF is still on the phone with her Momma looking all innocent like nothing happened, hoping we don’t get called out by this kiddo to his parents or to a Cast Member. ��The Annoying One hides behind his mother and looks at us, but not once does he rat us out. ��I am pretty sure we might have seen Disney Cast Members high-five over it, but it might have been over something else (although I am sure it was BFF kicking this kid cuz I know I would have). ��But guess what? ��Suddenly we were almost to the front of the line and fast because this kid kept moving. ��What a concept.

I am sure BFF will say it was an “uncontrolled leg spasm” and she didn’t kick him right where the sun doesn’t shine, but I can assure you that she did…and that he deserved it. ��Maybe it taught him the lesson of appropriate line etiquette but I doubt it…he was probably the same small child a few years ago that licked the chain repeatedly at Space Mountain. ��Ew. ��I don’t think I would recommend this way of dealing with gap leavers, because I don’t know of anyone besides BFF who could get away with it, but it was awesome. ��Highly awesome. ��Just watch your kids in line around BFF. ��And I am sure those Cast Members really were high-fiving��over her swift uncontrollable leg spasm right to the tushie. ��For reals.

Oh yeah. ��I didn’t die today. ��I did learn a great new way to deal with annoying children in line from BFF but didn’t die. ��I am Fat Girl whose BFF sometimes has uncontrollable leg spasms to children’s tushies when they are being annoying in line Running. ��The experiment continues….

Sometimes Santa Makes You Pee

Now that the craziness of the holidays is over, I thought I would share with you one of my favorite Christmas memories. ��It involves my Seester and I am sure she will be thrilled I am about to tell the world this story. ��You have to remember I am about 13 years older than her and so I was a teenager when she was a toddler. ��I remember this happened about when I was 16 so she would have been about 3 because I remember getting the coolest phone that year and I was thrilled to get my own corded phone (this was the 80s remember). ��Having your own corded phone back in the day was the bomb. ��It meant you didn’t have to sit in the family common area and have a phone conversation with your friends. ��You could now do that from the privacy of your own room. ��It really was magical. ��This wasn’t an ordinary old phone either…It was this round creation where it looked like a something that came off of Back to the Future. ��I have a hard time describing it, so here:

Coolest phone in 1984/85…I swear

For reals. ��It was the coolest phone and I wanted one so bad. ��Santa was good to me and brought me that magical phone…by now however, I knew Santa was not real so I guess I must thank my parents for the most awesome phone. ��I kept up the Santa charade for the sake of my siblings however, so I hyped it up, especially for my baby Seester who loved Santa. ��I remember distinctly what she wanted…A Care Bear Sit and Spin.

For those of you too young to know what a Sit and Spin is, it was this toy that was very popular in the 80s where you sat on it and used the center stationary piece to spin yourself into vomit inducing oblivion or until you were so dizzy you couldn’t walk straight. ��It was an awesome kids toy. ��I mean who doesn’t want a toy that basically imitates the Cups O’ Vomit at DL in their living room? ��I think I would love this new version of Russian Roulette if I had a kid. ��Will my child barf if she only spins a few times around? ��What about several minutes worth? ��Will the barf come spewing out as she turns herself around nilly willy, causing a kaleidoscope of colors on my wall, furniture and carpet? ��Yeah…this sounds like a great invention. ��Pretty sure this toy terrifies me as vomit is the one thing that I cannot do…yup. ��It is a terrifying toy.

At home version of Cups O’ Vomit…let me jump right on

Seester wanted one of these so bad that her little 3-year-old self jumped up and down every time she saw the commercial filled with happy smiling children holding back their vomit. ��She got right up on Santa’s lap in the mall and poured out her little heart in her squeaky little lispy voice about wanting the desired Care Bear Sit and Spin. ��I helped her write a letter with the exact item cut out of a catalog or newspaper ad so that Santa would be sure to know which one to bring. ��Mom and Dad knew what they had to do. ��It was the only thing on her list, so a Sit and Spin had to be found. ��Luckily, Mom tracked one down at a Toys R Us and we could all breathe a sigh of relief. ��I could not wait to see her little freckled ginger face on Christmas morning as she realizes Santa brought her the epicenter of her 3-year-old world.

Early Christmas morning, my two younger siblings were up at the crack of dawn, eagerly anticipating seeing what the red suited man had brought them this year. ��Seester could barely contain her excitement as she jumped up and down in her little footie pajamas on my bed while we waited for Dad to appear in his robe (we won’t talk about the length of that 80s robe…that is another story) and turn on the Christmas tree. I took both my siblings by the hand and led them slowly out to the living room with their eyes closed. ��Once positioned so they could see their loot under the tree, we had them open their eyes. ��There, sitting under the magical twinkling lights, was the prized Sit and Spin. ��I looked at little Seester’s face to see what her reaction would be.

The minute she opened her eyes, they became as big as saucers and a squeal to end all squeals of delight started to emit from her throat. ��Her little plastic coated feet started to do a Dance of Joy when all of a sudden it happened. ��In the midst of all this excitement over the Care Bear Sit and Spin, a large wet stain appeared down my Seester’s legs. ��Her eyes turned from wide-eyed with excitement to wide-eyed with horror and they filled with tears. ��The squeal of delight quickly dissolved to sobs as she realized what had happened. ��Seester had peed her footie pajamas. ��Mom and I quickly took her to change into a new pair of jammies and calmed the sobbing mess she had become, as well as dumped the urine from plastic reservoirs on the pajamas. ��Face washed, new jammies and unders on, she returned to the site of her Santa excitement accident and the goal of her desire. ��We placed that little 3-year-old on the vomit inducing toy and watched her spin to her little ginger heart’s delight, laughter filling the house. ��Including ours, as Mom, Dad and I realized that it might take an act of God to get her off it…or another need to urinate.

Oh yeah. ��I didn’t die today. ��I did realize that sometimes Santa makes you pee but I didn’t die. ��I am Fat Girl with a fear of vomit inducing toys Running. ��The experiment continues…