Kristann Monaghan's Blog, page 15

Can I Get a Whoop Whoop? Part 1

Yup…you read that right.  So much happened this past weekend that I have decided to write it in 2 parts so enjoy the love.  I spent this last weekend doing something I love and have spent the last 4 years doing every November…The Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk for the Cure.  I walked 60 miles the first year and the last 3 years, I have spent on the crew.  This year it was bittersweet since it is the last one to be in Arizona due to some restructuring issues the corporation is going through.  Even knowing this, most of our crew came back from last year and again our mighty Captain led the way and slapped us into shape to be the loudest, most obnoxious food services crew I am sure the 3 Day walkers have ever seen.

2013 Food Services Crew…the craziest group of weirdos I have ever met

One of the things I love about the 3 Day is that I have made life-long friends and actually met my BFFE there last year.  The hours for Food Services are long.  We are up at 3:30 am to serve breakfast to the crew and we finish dinner at 9 pm.  And it is actually 4 days for the crew because we have an all crew meeting on Thursday afternoon that we are required to attend.  Needless to say, I drove down on Thursday and met up with Bestie and we headed over to the meeting.  Bestie, BFFE and I had actually gotten a hotel room for the weekend that was near where the camp was gonna be so we headed over there after dinner.  We had a couple of extra people due to one of our crew and her 10-year-old daughter who was doing Youth Corp needing a place for the night before camping for the weekend.  After stuffing our gobs with giant rice krispie treats with caramel and frozen cheesecake, we went back to the hotel and we all started to get ready for bed.  All four of us girls were in various stages of undress (most of us in our undies) when the 10-year-old walked around the corner.  The look of shock (maybe some disgust as well) and embarrassment on her face as we were all standing around talking in our undies and she could see various bits and pieces was hysterical and we all burst into giggles as she quickly retreated to the other side of the wall.  Pretty sure she might need some therapy after that.  I mean who needs to see bits and pieces at her age?  Sorry M for the need for therapy for your daughter….

There are certain things that you should always disclose when you are sharing a hotel room or bed with someone.  I, for one, always make sure everyone knows that I snore.  Yup.  Snore.  Since there were 3 of us in the king bed that night, I told BFFE  and M that I snore (Bestie already was aware) and apologized for it.  We lay there in the bed, whispering and giggling like schoolgirls for a while.  M and her daughter actually were fighting loudly over the covers and who was gonna have them and BFFE and I could not stop laughing. After a bit and everyone had fallen asleep, I heard a new sound…a light snore was coming from Bestie on the other side of the bed.  Then M started mumbling in her sleep.  An even newer sound soon joined the cacophony that was occurring in our room and at first I could not place it.  It was a squeaking type of sound and at first I thought I was imaging it because I thought I was the only one awake at that point (damn insomnia).  The noise got increasingly louder until I realized that Bestie was grinding her teeth in her sleep.  Holy Hannah it was loud.  All of a sudden, BFFE says to me “What the hell is that?” and I about jumped out of my skin because I thought I was the only one awake.  A small scream of terror and a little bit of pee escaped me.  We started giggling and then we could not stop.  Pretty sure I might have snorted as well.  In the midst of our high school laughter fit, M starts talking in her sleep loudly and her daughter mumbled something in return.  We start laughing even harder.  I almost wet the bed.  Moral of the story:  If you do something like snore, talk in your sleep or grind your teeth and are sharing a hotel room with friends…warn them!  I am pretty sure I would have come prepared with ear plugs.  Oh…and I won’t even get started on the gassy issues everyone seemed to have….

BFFE and me at 4 am…can I get a Whoop Whoop?

Since we serve food so early in the morning, we were determined to be alive awake and enthusiastic.  Not the easiest thing in the world to do at 4 am.  BFFE and I managed to be serving hot food on the food line complete with dance music blaring from my phone to wake everyone up.  Somehow, we decided when someone said they wanted a little bit of everything on the hot line, we would call it a “special” and give them a big “WHOOP WHOOP” with BFFE saying “I loves me a special” SUPER loud.  Now imagine this at 4 am after walking 20 plus miles the day before and sleeping in a tent all night and getting ready to walk 20 more miles…yup…totally obnoxious.  And all this without coffee.  The WHOOP WHOOP could be heard I am sure for miles around at that time of morning.  BFFE and I actually Whoop Whooped so much that we were hoarse by the end of the weekend.  We actually had walkers doing it to us when they walked up to the line by the last morning.  I am sure you could not find a more cheerful crew at all times of the day since I am sure it was from delirium and lack of sleep.  The catering company we worked with told us we were obnoxious and they loved it.  One of them, the Aussie, even got their revenge on BFFE and me…but I shall save that story for next time.  I would hate to overload you with our obnoxiousness…

Stay tuned…more on me dancing the Cupid Shuffle in front of over 700 people, Aussie style revenge, photo booth pictures, and even more Whoop Whoops to come….plus the reasons why I do this every year.

Oh yeah…I didn’t die today.  I did become obnoxious and loud at 4 am and learned some habits my crew has when sleeping but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with a WHOOP WHOOP running.  The experiment continues…

Off and Crewing!

I had every intention of writing a totally new post about breast cancer this week since I am off to go crew for the AZ Susan G. Komen 3 Day  like I do every November.  But, time got away from me as usual.  Or rather, I got sucked into reading the Divergent series by Veronica Roth…if you have not read these books then do so…NOW.  They surpassed my love for The Hunger Games which says a lot if you know me. So, like a true book nerd, everything got put on hold this week while I read. My Facebook status even said “Don’t bother me.  I’m reading.” and I meant it.  There is my excuse…I was reading.  Such a nerd.  Even nerdier was that I got a package from my Seester this week with signed books in it and I squeed like a fan girl in my kitchen.  Best box ever.  Yup…total nerd.

Since I didn’t have time to write a proper post, I shall let you read the one I wrote last year entitled The Fat Girl Knows How to Serve Food and Dance (Apparently Like a Stripper) .  Check it out and know that I will undoubtedly be dancing like a stripper again this year.  And check out my Facebook page if you want to see the actual video footage of me and BFFE dancing….it will make you smile.

If you want to donate, I am still taking donations.  You just have to go to my 3 Day donation page and make one!!  I am as of right now only $624 away from my goal of raising $2000.  Help a Fat Girl out would ya….even $5 will help.  Look at me beg…at least I am not standing on the corner holding a sign.  Wait…that wasn’t me you saw standing on the corner without a sign for other reasons….damn.  I promise a new exploit when I return…

Oh yeah…I didn’t die today.  I procrastinated by reading like a total book nerd but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl getting ready to crew for the 3 Day this weekend Running…the experiment continues.

Things I Have Learned Recently….And FREE Midget Porn!

My life has been many ups and downs, but recently, I have learned to look towards the fun and funny things to help me get through all the bad icky yucky ju-ju that sometimes happens.  When left on my own, like recently after surgery, I have time to realize that it is really funny.  So, I thought I would impart some fun wisdom with you on the things I have learned while being off of work and left to my own devices recently.

My BFF and I are truly the world’s best packers.  When we were coming back from our recent trip to DL, we discovered how much stuff you can pack in two large suitcases and still get it under (just barely) the weight limit for the train.  I am pretty sure we could have packed a small child in both our suitcases but the amount of stuff we take on a trip is RIDICULOUS!  You would think we were packing for a month-long trip to the Outback for goodness sake.  Then, on top of it all, we have to pack all the stuff we bought in DL.  You would think, since we go there every few month, that there would be nothing left for us to buy…WRONG!  We discover new stuff every trip and somehow manage to bring it all home.  How you ask?  There is this little trick we have where we each pack an EXTRA empty duffel bag.  That way, we can shove all our breakables in the big bags and all our clothes or toiletries or dirty chonies and stinky socks in the other bag (because who wants their dirty chonies next to all the cool shit you bought? NOT me!).  We also each bought another bag to put our purses in and then use it as a “purse”…such a clever little trick.  Yup…you would never guess we hadn’t been there for a month.  Seriously…the 2 of us had an impressive 7 bags between us hen we checked them with the bellhop.  I actually heard him grunt as he picked up my bag….my bad.

Being recognized as an author is cool.  I went to the optometrist this week with BFF (because friends don’t let friends pick out ugly glasses) and the optical tech who came out to help BFF came up to me and asked if I was working on book #2 yet.  I literally wanted to scream “STALKER!” almost immediately and run screaming from the office without cool glasses. But I warily looked at her and asked how she knew I wrote a book all the while trying not to look at her like she was a total creepster.  Turns out she is NOT married to SOTL Man like I thought, but had come to one of my book signings downtown and loves my book.  Whew…now I don’t have to find a new eye doctor.  Of course afterwards, BFF and I giggled like schoolgirls over the fact that I got recognized as an author…because that was pretty cool.

Don’t lean on the garage door opener when someone is standing in the opening.  When you lean on the garage door opener and BFF is standing in the opening, both of you might scream and jump thinking there was a ghost in the garage working the garage door because it is Halloween.  True story.  The door started to come down, sensed she was there and quickly retreated leaving both of us screaming and running from the house. Literally we screamed “Ghost!”  and ran down the driveway.   Took us several minutes to realize I leaned up against it.  Yup.  This happened….today.

When you do a big re-model project (currently Bubby is painting every room in my house and soon the new flooring will be installed), you might discover as you move stuff from room to room that you look like you belong in an episode of Hoarders.  No joke.  My craft dojo right now has boxes and bags of stuff in it from other rooms and now I can’t remember where I had it all stored.  So, instead, I just closed the door to the craft dojo.  I don’t need to find a place for it all again, right?  Let’s just hope a film crew doesn’t show up on my door for Hoarders.  I would rather be on Home Makeover or Undercover Boss or something cool like that and not because I discovered a VS bag full of panties with tags still on them that I have no idea when I bought…huh.

Now for the real reason you came to read my blog today…the promise of FREE midget porn.  Ok, so maybe not midget porn, but I really am giving away something for free. Right now, on Goodreads, I am having a giveaway for 2 autographed copies of my book The Running Experiment:  A Weekly Walk Away From The Sofa.  The contest started yesterday and is set to end on my birthday in two weeks so come on and enter!  Celebrate my Hatching Day with me and try to win a copy of the book.  I promise to personally autograph it and appropriately stalk you once I have your address.  I could become your own personal SOTL Man if you want.  Here…I will make it even easier for you and provide the link:

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18115064?utm_medium=api&utm_source=giveaway_widget

Hurry!  Get in on the midget porn action  I mean the giveaway!  I promise you free laughs and a good time.  Wait…that didn’t sound right.  Maybe I should write for porn or just quit watching it so much….

Oh yeah…I didn’t die today.  I did learn some things recently and realized I might have a shopping problem but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl giving away some free books while trying not to be on Hoarders Running.  The experiment continues….

The Griswolds Go On Vacation

As you are aware, I recently went on my annual Halloween trip to DL and this time BFF and I were joined by BFFE and her family.  This was an epic combo as the four most indecisive adults in the world went on vacation together with two kids in tow.  I kid you not this was an actual conversation that happened one day:

Me;  ”What do you guys want to ride now?”

BFFE:  ”I don’t know.  What about you, BFF?”

BFF:  ”I have no idea.  Really you guys should decide.  What do you think BFFE’s Hubby?”

BFFE’s Hubby:  ”I dunno.  (turns to me) What should we do?”

Me:  ”Ok…I give up.  Let’s ask the 9-year-old.”

This trip was one chock full of laughs…I mean we all know me and BFF get ourselves into some crazy situations but add BFFE (who is just like me) and her Hubby (who is just like BFF) and we have the epic funny vacation with the Griswolds.  We should have filmed ourselves because I am pretty sure that only the four of us could get into the situations we got into.  Let me share with funniest moments of the trip…Griswold style.

Since there was only one adult male in our group with three women, we took to calling each other Wife #1, 2 and 3 like sister wives (thank goodness BFFE’s Hubby is good-natured and went along with it like a pimp).  We were in a store and BFFE was up getting in line to pay for some things, when the rest of us decided to go outside and wait for her.  I walked up to where she was in line but could not get her attention but this is the conversation that occurred:

Me (loudly to get her attention):  ”Hey Wife #1!”

BFFE (who immediately turned to me):  ”What Wife #2?”

Me:  ”We are gonna wait outside cuz it is cray-cray in this store”

BFFE:  ”All of you, including Wife #3?”  (At this point, the woman in front of BFFE has turned around to stare at us and is now poking the lady she is with…of course I notice)

Me:  ”Yeah…both of us, OUR Hubby and the kids (notice the emphasis for the benefit of the rude woman who is now really elbowing her friend, probably giving her a bruised rib in her attempt to get her to notice what she thinks are Polygs at DL)

BFF (who has now walked up to join us and is all casual):  Hey Wifey #1…did Wifey #2 tell you we are going outside with Hubby and the kiddos?”

BFFE: “Yup…see you all out there in a few.  ALL of us wives need to figure out where we are gonna eat too.” (by now, the lady’s friend has noticed and their eyes are bugging out of their heads)

BFF and I say yes in agreement, turn around to join Hubby and BFF grabs Hubby’s hand to make a point to the ladies in line.  Geez…stare much?  We all giggle as we walk out of the store.  I mean…honestly…if we were REALLY sister wives, would we announce it to the world?

The second funny Griswold moment happened in the middle of a crowd.  We were leaving the park at closing with the crush of every other person there and it was seriously crazy making.  Hundreds of people all around us going the same way and running into us left and right.  The 4-year-old in his stroller, who was diagnosed the day before we all left with a sinus/ear infection and has a touch of croup, begins coughing this harsh barky cough. People immediately turn and look with these horrified germ phobic looks on their faces.  BFF, without missing a beat, leans down and says “Oh baby, don’t worry.  We will get you some more tuberculosis meds when we get home.  I thought we had cleared that up before we came, but I guess not.”  You have never seen a crowd of people give another group of people such a wide berth in your entire life.  We actually saw one woman cover her mouth and her daughters as the 4-year-old started coughing again.  The rest of us are laughing our butts off as we congratulate BFF for giving us room to move in the maddening crush.  Apparently, pretending someone has TB is the way to get through a crowd quickly.

The funniest moment by far happened, of course, in the middle of a store.  We were buying the 4-year-old Mickey ears that were Cars themed and were waiting for the Disney cast member to embroider his name on them.  In order to distract the 4-year-old who was getting impatient, BFFE starts discussing with him about how his ears will match his Cars shirt and his Cars shoes.  He got very excited about this.

4 Year Old excitedly to all of us:  ”I have on Cars underwears!”

Hubby: “You do?”

4 Year Old:  ”Yeah!  Wanna see?”

Hubby:  ”No Buddy…I saw them this morning.”

4 Year Old:  ”But theys (motioning to everyone else in the store) didn’t.”

Without warning, the 4-year-old then drops his pants in the middle of the store, in front of everyone, to show us that yes indeed, he does have on Cars underwear. He even turned around so the cast member could see.   Hubby graciously says to him “Yeah you do.  Now pull up your pants Buddy.”  Meanwhile, the rest of us are dying from laughter and the cast member is laughing so hard that tears are running down her face.  Only the Griswold family would have a 4-year-old drop trow in the middle of a crowded store just to show us what underwear he was wearing.  It was epic.  And we handled it with the laughter that the situation deserved.  I have talked a lot about parenting fails at DL, but this was a parenting win by far.

All in all, I must admit that it was a fun fun fun trip.  One that only we, as the Griswold Family, could have achieved.  We were a fun group and I hope many more vacations with us all are to come because of moments like this:

The Griswolds ride Heimlich’s Chew Chew Train. What a fantastic group of dorks

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did almost die of laughter on this trip, but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl taking a Griswold family vacation Running.  The experiment continues…

Reminiscing and It Feels So Good….

Since I am about to go for my annual Halloween/Birthday trip to The House of Mouse, I thought I would share with you an oldie but goodie that seems to be getting lots of hits this time of year….It always kind of freaks me out how people find my blog but at least the search terms do not say “skin suit” this time….ew.    So check out my Halloween themed post Costumes Aren’t Just for Skinny Bitches from a few years ago and be glad you aren’t searching “skin suit” on the web…

You can also find this treasure in my book.   If you haven’t checked out The Running Experiment:  A Weekly Walk Away From the Sofa, then why not?  I will also post all the links where you can find the book or if you want it autographed by yours truly, I have copies I can send out. The book is free but the autograph will cost you $19 and that includes shipping.   You just have to message me and I will get your info and stalk you appropriately.  I promise.  It will be glorious!

Kindle:  http://www.amazon.com/The-Running-Experiment-Weekly-Walk-ebook/dp/B00DI9D0PW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1382055308&sr=8-1&keywords=kristann+monaghan

Amazon paperback:  http://www.amazon.com/The-Running-Experiment-Weekly-Walk/dp/0615837662/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1382055343&sr=8-2&keywords=kristann+monaghan

Barnes and Noble paperback:  http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-running-experiment-kristann-monaghan/1116964627?ean=9780615837666

Nook:  http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-running-experiment-kristann-monaghan/1115756751?ean=2940016797526

Kobo:  http://store.kobobooks.com/en-US/ebook/the-running-experiment

Inknbeans Press (you can also discover some fun, great writers here!!):  https://www.createspace.com/4330299

Amazon UK  Kindle (what?  I am international…baby!!):  http://www.amazon.co.uk/Running-Experiment-Weekly-Walk-ebook/dp/B00DI9D0PW

Amazon UK paperback: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Running-Experiment-Weekly-Walk-Away/dp/0615837662

Oh yeah…I didn’t die today.  I did discover fun and exciting new ways to procrastinate packing before a trip (like this blog piece) but I didn’t die!  I am Fat Girl shamelessly promoting myself again Running.  The experiment continues….

Super Stann Kicks Cancer’s Ass!

Super Stann’s story continues….she showed up three weeks ago prepared to kick some cancer butt and boy did she ever.  Pink cape on and Uterus of Justice in hand, she kicked cancer’s ass!  It has been a long three weeks since I went in for my hysterectomy, but I have this to report:  I AM CANCER FREE!!  Yup.  You heard me scream that loudly!  The cancer was completely contained to the lining of my uterus and did not extend into my muscles, tubes, ovaries or anywhere else so I am in the clear!  I about hugged my surgeon when she reported it to me and BFF and tears were shed over it.  Thanks to all who gave me positive thoughts, prayers, good ju-ju, wishes and hopes.  I am blessed to have some wonderous family, friends and readers.  So let me fill you in on my journey the last three weeks.

The morning of surgery, BFF took me in and graciously put up with my nervous babbling and a couple of tears as we waited for anesthesia and my surgeon to finish up a c-section.  One good thing about having surgery in the facility where you work…I actually had nurses fighting to be in the OR with me and take care of me.  My surgeon was even instructed by the labor nurses to take good care of me and get it all out with surgery.  I don’t remember a whole lot of what happened after I was given the lovely versed cocktail, except for my surgeon laughingly telling me that I had already shave prepped for her…of course I did.  I couldn’t go into surgery with howler monkeys swinging around down there in my jungle of girly parts.  I wanted her to see what she was doing!  After surgery, I was wheeled up to BFF’s floor and doted on by some wonderful nurses and techs up there.  They even decorated my room.  Here is what was awaiting me in my drug induced haze:

Seriously I love my friends…without their sense of humor and love I could not have done this.  Some of the messages on this bear are not the most appropriate and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Notice the “no uterus” medical picture…I think Hallmark could use this as a greeting card

The first day in the hospital was not a fun one for me…let’s just say my worst fear as a nurse and my friend K’s as well, who took care if me, is vomit.  I made all those fears come true for her and me.  I have a wonderful BFF and some wonderful friends who took care of me  while I barfed my guts out while sobbing for HOURS.  I felt like kaka to say the least.  And barfing after abdominal surgery is NOT a fun experience.  I publicly apologize to poor K for making her worst fears come true.  It was truly not on my agenda for the day.  Poor BFF had worked the night before my surgery and still took care of me.  The next couple of days is filled with drug induced memories of people visiting me, the nurses discussing my urine output, feeling like a giant pile of elephant poop and just wanting to get home.  In fact the first week, I pretty much felt like a herd of wildebeests had trampled me in the abdomen and left me in the middle of the Serengeti to die.  I do not recommend abdominal surgery if you can avoid it.  Walking even to the corner of my street felt like freaking marathon.  I have spent a lot of time the last few weeks watching Who’s Your Daddy on Maury, weird movies on Netflix and surfing the internet for the best midget porn sites.  A girl has got to have some entertainment.  Guess I should clear my internet browser before letting someone borrow my laptop…

Here is one thing you would realize pretty quickly after having abdominal surgery:  what you ACTUALLY use those muscles for in your everyday life.  Getting in and out of bed, up and down off the couch, sneezing, coughing and the biggest one of them all…POOPING.  For goodness sake, I never knew how bowel obsessed I was until I couldn’t poop from all the pain killers and my muscles not cooperating.  I was miserable until I had my first poop and let me tell you I wanted to jump up and down but refrained because that also hurt.  Colace has become my friend ever since the hospital.  Seriously, you do not want to spend hours sitting on the toilet wishing to whatever God you pray to that you could poop.  When you can’t poop and need to, you actually contemplate how in the world you are gonna accomplish this feat.  It can consume you.  I am not kidding.  I was miserable.  Three weeks out, pooping is still a challenge to use those muscles but much easier I must report….was that TMI?  Oh well…I am a nurse after all.  And apparently, bowel obsessed.

I must thank my alter ego, Super Stann for kicking cancer’s ass…I never doubted I could do it, but there were a few tears shed with my BFF over the “what if”.  I must publicly thank all the nurses, techs, friends who lovingly brought me food and company, my BFF, Bubby and Pocket GF and my Momma for everything you all have done for me while I recover.  Words cannot express my gratitude…so I will let Natalie Merchant do it for me:

Oh yeah…I didn’t die today.  I felt like I might right after surgery but I didn’t die.  I am CANCER FREE Fat Girl who needs to go poop Running.  The experiment continues…

Super Stann vs The Big C

It was a dark and stormy night…wait….maybe just dark since it is almost midnight.  I am about to embark into turning into my alter ego, Super Stann, to fight the Big C tomorrow.  I have kept busy the last few days trying to prepare, even redecorated the craft dojo since Bubby finished all the painting in there.  To become Super Stann takes some prep work, but to fight a big battle like the Battle Against the Big C requires even more work to transform into the superhero I know I am.  So here I go…

First off, after cleaning my lair…AKA The Fortress of Attitude… I need to pack a bag to turn into Super Stann.  I mean I have to show up as a normal everyday patient, but I need some supplies.  Along with the normal slippers and jammies, I have to pack the essentials.  Pink Cape of Courage….check.  Uterus of Justice….check check.  The Uterus is my secret weapon that was sent to me by two of my friends.  One of them actually knitted me a new uterus and this one is cancer free.  Seriously, who makes someone else a new uterus?  My friends. That’s who.  Remember how awesome I said my friends were…this just proves it.  It is one of the funniest things I swear I have ever gotten in the mail…and I am pretty sure it is real uterus sized.  The Uterus of Justice can be used to throw at people and watch out….you never know who I might throw it at!  We even tossed it around the nurses station at work my last shift before I went out on leave.  Yup.  My friends rock.

My superhero accessories…see the Uterus of Justice there in the middle? Awesome friends I have…Thanks J and M!!

The next step in transforming into Super Stann in order to fight the Big C is to take a special shower that gets rid of the of all the microbes on my body.  I actually had to take a real shower and then coat my body in this special soap…twice…wait 2 minutes and then rinse off the soap.  I feel sanitized.  Oh…and I smell weird.  Like hospital weird.  I also must take one of these special superhero power enhancing showers in the morning.  Oh joy.  And did I mention, you then cannot use any lotions or deodorants.  Pretty sure I might need that second demicrobing shower in the morning.  I felt a little like Ethan Hawke in the movie Gattaca when he gets into that decontamination shower pod thingy to scrub his skin down.  I really did feel like I was in a sci-fi movie coating my body in this special weird soap that smells like antiseptic.  But, if it enhance my superhero powers, then more power to it.  I still smell weird.  Ninja Kitty doesn’t even want to sit with me.

So now, after guzzling a glass of water…because not eating and drinking now will also enhance my ability to fight….I am ready for the fight tomorrow.  I promise to get a picture of me wandering the halls in my Pink Cape of Courage.  After all, it will cover my flass in that oh so sexy hospital gown.  Here comes SUPER STANN!  I shall prevail against the Big C…of this I am sure.  It will not stand up to my powers!

Oh yeah…I didn’t die today.  I did, however, prepare myself for becoming my alter ego Super Stann in order to fight the Big C tomorrow!  I am Fat Girl with a Pink Cape of Courage and a Uterus of Justice running!  The experiment continues….

It is not a Party Till it Involves a Horse Head Mask, A Pinata and a Cape

Makes people Taste the Rainbow…able to leap over pie in a single bound but doesnt…because PIE!

My friends are awesome.  Seriously they are awesome.  When my friends at work heard I had cancer and was going to have my woman parts ripped out of me, they decided to throw me a party.  Yup.  A party.  A Farewell to Kristann’s Uterus Party.  I mean how awesome is that?  Never in my life have I ever heard of such a party.  But, these are the same people who when I had my breast reduction threw me a Bye-Bye Boobie Party that even had a boob shaped cake.  Now this party did not have a uterus shaped cake, but it did have a pinata shaped like a giant C so I could beat the hell out of cancer.  On a side note:  did you know that there are actually uterus shaped pinatats out there?  Seriously.  They are even called Uterinata.  Check it out:  http://offbeatfamilies.com/2011/01/uterinata  But my party did not have a uterinata (because that is just weird) just a fantastic rainbow C pinata and beer.    To celebrate my newly found freedom from buying feminine hygiene products, this party had a Hello Kitty cake.  Goodbye Uterus…Hello Kitty.  Any time of the month now…Hello Kitty.  Any time I want…Hello Kitty.  Better make sure the jungle is cleared because…Hello Kitty.  My Bestie even made and sent me the best superhero costume, complete with pink unitard, cape, mask…the whole works.  I proudly sported it for the party.  I mean no party is complete without a superhero in a pink unitard.  I can make you taste the rainbow….just saying.  Hello Kitty.

At some point, probably after some beer had been consumed, it was decided that it was time to beat the hell out of the cancer pinata.  We did not have anything to serve as a blindfold so somehow (again I blame the beer) it was decided that I would be the first to beat the pinata and I would have to wear a horse head mask.  Yup.  You read that right.  A horse head mask.  Ever worn one of those?  You seriously cannot see and they are slightly claustrophobic.  Plus they get all hot and steamy.  But being a good sport, and due to the beer, I put it on so I could beat the snot out of that pinata.  My friends even put my superhero mask on the horse mask to make it go with my cape.  It is quite the site…take a gander.

Pretty sure those are the best photos ever.  And pretty sure I have the best friends ever.  Who else would give me a bouquet made of Skittles and Starburst?  Or make me a giant pinata filled with mustaches and pixie stix?  Who else could make me feel so loved and that I have my own Army of superheroes behind me?  Yup.  My friends rock.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did have a great Farewell to my Uterus Party and discovered my friends are awesome.  And crazy.  But I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who can rock a horse head mask and leap over pie in a single bound but why would I cuz…Hello….pie….Or hello kitty running.  The experiment continues…

Today’s Bloggable Moments…Brought to You by the Letters A…B…and C

Today lots of weird and funny things happened to me so I decided to include them all in one post because really…I cannot make this stuff up.  I sometimes wonder why BFF and I always seem to find ourselves in these situations,  I mean, it is not like we create them…they just, well, happen when we are around.  I was laughing so hard about these events that I had tears running down my face and even BFF agreed I had to write about them and share them because they are that funny and bizarre.  I decided to present them to you like an episode of Sesame Street because well…when you think about it isn’t that show a little funny and weird too?  So here goes…

A stands for AWKWARD.  Ever been in a situation where you are out in public and you see someone you REALLY don’t want to interact with and so you go at all costs to avoid them?  AWKWARD!  BFF and I, after consuming mass quantities of this new waffle at IHOP (OMG the staff know us now because we go in like every day for this berries and cream waffle.  Next time I am wearing a pig nose when we go in…just saying) decided we would go to Staples because I needed a few things like printer ink (which, of course, I forgot).  So we pull into the parking lot and go to park when all of a sudden, we see someone we really did not want to run into or talk to at that point in time loading stuff into a car.  BFF points out the person and we quickly decide to back out of the parking slot slowly and drive around the lot all stalker like till they pull out.  At this point, as we drive slowly and watch this person all serial killer stalker like, we are ducking behind the dash and whispering to each other.  Yes.  I said WHISPERING to each other like this person, who is now across the parking lot from us, could hear us.  Oh and did I mention that we ARE IN AN ENCLOSED CAR whispering to each other.  In fact, at one point, BFF asked why we were whispering and I could not answer but started laughing uncontrollably and continued whispering as if the person we did not want to interact with could hear us in our car across the parking lot.  We started to pull back up to the store thinking this person had left but they were still there!  I almost yelled “ABORT! ABORT!” and ducked under the dash again, but luckily, the unwanted target of our stalking finally pulled out and we were able to complete our mission to Staples without further incident, except forgetting the printer ink.  I am sure if this person had walked back into Staples, mayhem would have ensued as BFF and I darted for cover under office supplies and making a camouflage hideout of backpacks.  We could have then thrown pens and post it notes at anyone who came near us to talk to us.  Sometimes we can be very antisocial in case you could not tell.

B is for BATMAN, my BFF’s absolute all-time FAVORITE comic book superhero of all time.  Why Batman?  Because the casting for the new Batman in the Batman vs Superman movie was announced.  Pretty sure BFF is in mourning over the choice.  In fact, she even chose to wear a Superman shirt today and not her normal Batman one (she owns like a gazillion).  This is the text message that occurred over the announcement:

Me:  ”Ugh.  Ben Affleck announced as the new Batman.”

BFF:  ”Huh.  Interesting choice.  Not sure how to feel now.  The world makes no sense to me anymore.  Cats and dogs living together.”

Me:  ”Total chaos.  I have lost faith in humanity.”

BFF:  ”why why why”

Me:  ”Possibly the worst choice since Val Kilmer.”

BFF:  ” Val was still worse and he was blonde!  And George Clooney may have also been worse.”

Me:  ”True.  But Ben Affleck?  Cuz his acting is so stellar?”

BFF:  ”At least he looks the part I guess.  I have to try to find the positive in this turn of events otherwise I will become severely depressed.”

Me:  ”I agree.  He is no Bruce Wayne.”

BFF:  ”More like Bruce Willis. Why did you break my heart?”

Me:  ”I didn’t mean to!  I just saw the article!”

BFF:  ”We need to start a support group to help each other through this.”

Me:  ”We so do.  It’s a sad day.”

BFF:  ”Sad sad sad.  I think I like Aquaman now.”

Seriously….the conversations we have are hysterical.  And quite geeky. Which brings me to the weirdest and funniest thing that happened today…

C is for Creepster.  We all know I have a creepster in the neighborhood who I call SOTL Man.  I haven’t seen him lately so was actually hoping he took his skinsuit hunting to another neighborhood but this morning, we were awarded with the CREEPIEST interaction yet.  BFF came by to fetch me for our aforementioned gorging of waffles and fateful stalkerish trip to Staples.  There we were, minding our own business, I believe still discussing the Batman conversation that had taken place prior to her coming over, we turned the corner and there was SOTL Man.  Not only was he there, just around the corner from my house, but he was laying on the sidewalk.  Yup. LAYING on the sidewalk.  And what was he doing?  CUDDLING HIS WEINER DOG!!  WTF?  Who does that?   Who lies on the sidewalk randomly cuddling their dog?  How creepy is that?  Not just that but he was also gazing longingly at the poor doggie.  EWWWWWW.  His status is now upgraded to super creepster.  And I felt like I needed a shower after seeing that.  Like I had witnessed some sort of weird skinsuit making creepster porn ring movie that I was never meant to watch.  I felt so unclean.  If that is what he does with his dog in public, what does he do in private.  I shudder at the thought.  I am not kidding.  Laying on the sidewalk cuddling his dog. We started screaming in the car, averting our eyes and yelling about why he would be doing that and laughing to the point of my stomach hurting.   I thought BFF was going to have to pull her car over she was laughing so hard.  When we drove back to my house later in the day, we were scared to turn don my street for fear he might still be there.  It was ultimate creepster activity. I really cannot make this stuff up.  And all in one day mind you.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did wonder how the heck BFF and I wind up in these totally random weird but funny situations but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who needs a shower after seeing the ulimate super creepster running.  The experiment continues…

Sometimes Words Can Change Your Life or How I Learned I Have Mutant Powers

Words have an impact sometimes on your life that you had no idea they would have.  When you first hear I love you from the person you desperately want to hear it from.  When you hear that someone you love has died.  When you hear that you are pregnant.  When you hear you got a job.  When you hear you lost a job.  All these words have the ability to change your life in a way that is either good or bad.  Sometimes you have no idea how those words are going to affect you until you hear them.  Six weeks ago I heard three words that changed my life forever.  You have cancer.

When my doc spoke those words to me six weeks ago, I had no idea the impact they would have.  I went in for a routine follow-up from having a polyp removed from my uterus and did not expect those words to come out of her mouth.  I am pretty sure I heard nothing after those words were said.  In fact, not expecting her to say that, I think I might have sat there dumbfounded in my short little gown, sheet over my va-jay-jay, feeling completely shocked.  My doc even had to stop and ask me if I heard anything she said.  I looked at her and squeaked “I have cancer.”  That was all I could manage.  It felt so surreal then for her to go about doing a lady exam like she had not just told me that I had cancer and had to have surgery to remove the offending organ.  But let’s just stick our fingers up there to feel said offending organ and talk about my options like nothing had just occurred.  I felt like I was in someone else’s dream and expected to wake up at any point or to have a zebra run by in slow motion like in a dream sequence in a movie.  I walked out of there with an appointment to have surgery and disbelief on my face.  I immediately got into my car and called BFF because I knew she would understand about my uterus being inhospitable.  Yup.  It seems my uterus is an inhospitable place.  Well, according to BFF, it is hospitable to one thing…cancer.  Hey…it is not like I was using it or planning on using it anyways.  So out it comes…cancer and all.

I am not gonna lie and say I wasn’t upset about being told that I have cells that decided to mutate negatively.  I mean I was upset but then I got to thinking about the inhospitable environment my uterus has become and wondered how the hell those cells got there in the first place.  How did they mutate and do you think this means I now have mutant powers?  Wouldn’t that be cool?  I could be like my own superhero with the powers.  Maybe I could join the X-Men and wear a sparkly pink unitard with a cape and fight evil with my mutant uterus in my hand.  I could throw cancer cells at the bad guys randomly to defeat them.  Take that bad guys!  I can grow mutant uterine cells and you can’t mostly because you are bad guys and guys don’t have uteruses (or is it uteri?)!  Hi-Ya!  Feel the wrath of my mutant cells!  Take that stupid cancer!  Maybe my uterus could multiply like the cancer cells and then become a flaming ball of uterine cancer.  That would be rad.  I want to race Professor X’s wheelchair down the hallway and chase all the other mutants.  I wonder if they would let me fly the secret X-Men jet and if I could get Wolverine to use his cool claws to like open a bag of Skittles for me or something.  Then I would offer my new pal some and whisper all covertly to him “Taste the rainbow Wolverine”.  It would be the best day ever.

You might be wondering how I can be so cavalier about such a thing as cancer.  Well, why not?  We all have challenges in our lives and we have all had those moments when words change our lives, but I won’t let this freak me out.  I would rather let those words be fighting mutant words and let them change me that way.    We have the ability to decide how words will change us.  Only you can let words affect you.  This is just another hurdle for the Fat Girl to jump and jump I will.  With my mutant superpowers, unitard and cape on, uterus in hand ready to fight.  Just watch out…I am not sure of my jet flying ability.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did decide not to let words change my life negatively but rather keep on…well….running.  I am Fat Girl with a inhospitable mutant uterus but a sparkly pink unitard and cape running.  The experiment continues…