Kristann Monaghan's Blog, page 6

Comicon Creepers And How BFF And I Couldn’t Escape

Earlier this month, BFF and I returned to the Giant Nerdfest that is Phoenix Comicon to get our geek on and squee like the fangirls we are over different celebrities.  We also might have shopped till we dropped (such great geek shopping there, no joke).  Unfortunately for us, it also happened to be during a heat wave in what we have now termed the Devil’s Butthole.  There was even a hot wind so it felt like you were walking in an oven.  So not enjoyable.  But luckily, we were inside for most of the time and did not have to deal with the heat too much.  What we did have to deal with was the people.  And not just any people…some of these people were the creepers of the world.  The weird socially awkward types.  You know what I mean.  The kind of people who you usually shy away from in a social setting because they make you feel so uncomfortable.  Or you try to run away from but don’t want to seem rude.  BFF and I unfortunately had this experience this year at Comicon.  One that made us feel like we needed a creep detector.  It was not pleasant.

On the last day of Comicon, BFF and I decided the last minute to purchase a photo-op with one of the actresses from a BBC Doctor Who spin-off, Torchwood.  This meant we had some time between the last panel we went to go see and the photo op, so we decided to get some food and find a table to sit down and shove it in our gobs.  All the other days, we had left the convention to eat at some amazing pubs where we could consume some alcohol (which makes dealing with all the people at one of these events a lot easier) but seeing how we were driving home after our photo, we decided staying at the convention and eating there was easier.  We got our food and saw some seats open at a large table, so we went and grabbed them.  I sat next to this older guy and BFF had the luck of having the seat next to her empty.  We proceeded to start to shovel food in our mouths when the guy next to me starts talking.  I thought he was talking to someone else when all of a sudden I realized he was talking to me.  About Star Wars action figures.  Seriously Creeper Comicon Dude?  You don’t even know me or even took the time to introduce yourself.  Just started talking out of the blue to no one in particular but staring at me.  Why me?  I stopped mid bite to stare at this guy with what I am sure was either RBF or shock as he kept talking.  About Star Wars action figures.  How much is there to say about Star Wars action figures?  Apparently a lot.  After my initial shock wore off and BFF and I continued eating, I even turned slightly in my chair toward her, giving him my back.  What would that say to you?  Would it say keep talking or would you take that as a hint that I really did not give a care about your Star Wars action figures?  He kept talking.  Also, this guy was like 20 years my senior…no joke….rambling on and on about the action figures he couldn’t find at the convention.  Um….hello….I am eating here.  Go away.  Do not speak to me Creeper.

At this point, as BFF and I continue to eat while making pointed eyes at each other, Creeper Comicon Dude (CCD as we shall now call him) pulls out his phone to actually show me exactly what he is talking about and how much he has seen these sets going for outside the convention.  Now what am I supposed to do with this?  I don’t want to seem rude, so I feign interest and nod while I hurriedly shove more food in my face because I want to leave as soon as possible.  Wrong move on my part.  CCD took this as that I was truly interested.  Oh help me.  He started going on and on about a certain set of Star Wars action figures that is rare and how nobody has it and he can’t believe nobody has it here in the vendor hall.  I cannot eat any faster at this point.  BFF is trying not to laugh next to me but she understood my need to escape. She saw the desperation in my eyes as I turned towards her silently signaling that I needed help and eats faster than I have ever seen her, frantically shoving nachos in her mouth.  I almost burst into laughter at this point as she tried to shove like 10 nachos in her mouth at once so we could leave.  The silent language between us is crazy sometimes. As I watch her put so many nachos in her mouth that she looks like a chipmunk, CCD starts to pull out the action figures he has purchased to show us and I quickly stand up.  He continues to talk as I nod to say goodbye and say “Have a nice Con.” As BFF, who is still trying to fit as many nachos as she can into her mouth at once, and I walk away, he is still talking out loud about the action figures.  I can’t make this stuff up.

BFF and I are now laughing and trying to decide in his own creeper way if he was trying to flirt with me as we get in line to get our picture taken with Eve Myles.  I am not sure.  I mean he was nice but so socially awkward that maybe he was trying to flirt.  Or maybe he was just a talker and could not tell that I was not in the mood to people.  Especially with a Creeper Comicon Dude.  It is hard to tell.  As we walked back through the hall to leave after our photo, CCD was still sitting at the table and waved at us as we walked by like he wanted us to come back over and sit with him.  Nope.  Hard pass.

Us with Eve Myles from Torchwood.  Could I be any more excited?

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did learn more about Star Wars action figures than I ever wanted to know but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who didn’t want to people with Creeper Comicon Dude but just wanted to eat in peace Running.  The experiment continues…

When You Make Up A New Word That Is Unnervingly Accurate

We all know I like to make up words from time to time but really my words do accurately describe things.  Unnervingly so.  I mean stoob, when your stomach meets your boobs, is a perfect example.  It really does describe something and I definitely have a stoob. I am sure some of you can relate to that and to Chub Rub, which we all know afflicts those of us Fat Girls without a thigh gap.  So see, making up terms sometimes is a good thing.  After all, they do have a whole thing called Urban Dictionary to describe slang vernacular.  I wish stoob and Chub Rub were in there and I could be credited with creating them.  That might be all kinds of awesome.  Anyways, me making up words is really not a new thing but sometimes a necessity.  Don’t you do this to describe things in your life?  You should try it.  Your word might catch on, you never know.

The other night at work, I decided to coin a new word out of necessity.  I mean, it was 6:30 am and we were a little slap happy with it being the end of a busy shift but honestly, the word was really needed to describe what a poor kid had on the floor.  Sometimes this is when the best words are created, when you least expect it.  This word is one I can unfortunately relate to and so can a lot of you.  It is unnervingly accurate.  So here is my word that I coined and it’s definition:

Shemesis:  n.  A condition in which you perform the act of simultaneously shitting and vomiting at the same time.  (We call vomiting emesis in the medical field).  The worst.

Good word, no?  I mean it does the job.  It describes exactly the predicament you are in when you might have this condition. Can you relate?  Oh I can and it is not pretty.  Let’s just say having shemesis is not a fun condition in the least.  I have been this sick so I completely sympathize with this patient that had this the other night.  I might have laughed at my poor co-worker who had to deal with it because we used the Wheel of Destiny to decide who got an admit and he definitely got the raw end of that spin and I might have done a dance of joy to not have to clean up shemesis.  But really, shemesis is no laughing matter.  Have you ever been afflicted with shemesis?  Let’s discuss this.

Shemesis can be your worst nightmare when you are sick.  I mean nobody likes to vomit to begin with and add the shitting part on top of it.  Utter humiliation.  I mean if you are lucky, the pooping starts first and your butt is already over the toilet bowl when you have to start having it spew out of you at both ends.  That is easy to rectify if you have a trash can nearby.  But let’s imagine the other scenario.  There you are, praying to the Porcelain God when you realize it is going to come out the wrong end.  Oh dear, What do you do?  Do you see if you can quickly whip your pants down and get your ass over the toilet or do you just decide to humiliate yourself and fill your pants with liquid?  This is a terrifying possibility and hopefully you are not in public when schemesis hits you.  I mean, what do you do then?  This might be my worst nightmare.  I have no idea what I would even do in tif this happened in public except hope that I could get out of the public bathroom with my dignity intact.  It is a game of chance I tell you.  And one you will not win.  Either way, you lose and usually by that time, you do not care because you feel as if you are expelling a demon.  I have been here and let’s say a shower was needed afterwards and I just threw those pants away.  I could not make the transition quick enough so it was just badness all around.  Shemesis can make the best of us feel like we are helpless and disgusting at the same time.

If you have a spouse when you have shemesis, you might discover the depth of their love for you.  Are they willing to clean you up or help you in the shower if you are unlucky enough to have your butt over the floor? Will they help you dispose of the evidence of shemesis or will they stare at you in abject horror with a mask and gloves on and run the other way?  Shemesis is a true test of love.  Your spouse might be smiling sympathetically at you but screaming in horror internally.  Sometimes nurses do this.  For reals.  Sometimes we appear calm and collected while internally we are screaming in horror at what we have to deal with because our jobs are gross.  Plain and simple.  Or we come up with a word to accurately describe the horror we have witnessed to help us laugh at 6:30 am.

There are just two words to describe that shift.  Bleach wipes.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did coin a new phrase that is unnervingly accurate in my job but I didn’t die (I also didn’t have to take the patient thank goodness).  I am Fat Girl who has unfortunately experienced shemesis and the humiliating after effects Running.  The experiment continues…

 

The Worst Superpower Ever

Apparently, there is actually a Superhero day in April.  Who knew?  I feel like that every day now has something associated with it, but Superhero day?  That seems weird to me. Why do we need to have special days for everything?  I remember when it was just things like Mother’s day and the holidays.  Now we have Left-hander’s Day, Sibling day and all sorts of weird things, like Superhero day. Don’t get me wrong…BFF and I are HUGE Superhero fans.  I mean, come on.  We dressed as Wonder Woman and Robin for Halloween.  But to have a whole day especially dedicated?  Nah.  We don’t need that.   This weird day though did lead me to think about a conversation BFF, Bubby, Pocket Fiance and I had about superpowers.  We were trying to think about what would be the absolute worst superpower to have if you were to be given one.  I mean we always ask people what superpower they would like to have and you are always granted with the answers of invisibility, flight, mind reading, etc.  But what would you consider the worst superpower?  Would it be not being able to lie?  Hmmmmm.  We were all thinking about this question when Pocket Fiance came up with the what we considered to be the worst superpower…the power of the vinegar smell.

Picture it.  You are in the car with your friends driving to a fun night out.  You see a robbery taking place and your friends yell at you to use your superpower to stop the crime.  You get so freaked out you release your superpower in the car. Vinegar smell.  In a small enclosed space. Way to be. Now everyone in the car smells like a giant douche and the robber is free.  Awesome.  How are you supposed to stop a robbery with your super power?  Are you supposed to overpower the robber with your acidic smell?  I mean, some people hate that smell, but maybe someone would be repelled enough by your smell to run away and forget the robbery. Or maybe they would decide to stop and make a salad or clean out their vagina if they are a girl.  Great.  So now you are the superhero that cleans out vaginas. Does this mean your name will be Vagina-Cleaning Man?  Supersalad?  Fermentation Woman? I mean the possibilities on your name are endless but most of them are not so great.

Can you imagine how annoyed all your friends will be when you release your superpower in such a small space?  Too small a space to bring that smell my friend!  Release that acid smell in the wild!  At least if you are going to release that smell, give people a warning!  Yell “vinegar smell” and do some sort of little dance so we know you are doing that.  It would be almost as bad as a person who lets out egg farts without a warning.  At least roll the windows down and say you are sorry.  Geez Fermentation Woman…way to ruin a nice car ride.  Or there you are at a party and someone asks you to show off your superpower.  Doing your vinegar smell dance and hanging your head in shame, you have now cleared the entire room.  I guess if you really wanted to have a one person party that is a good idea.  It is not like you can leap tall buildings, fly through the sky, hear conversations miles away or cut things in half with your laser eyes.  Although, if I were a criminal and I saw Vagina-Cleaning Man coming toward me, I would drop what I was doing and run the other way.  Why?  Because I don’t want to be that criminal in jail that smells like a giant salad.  The other criminals are gonna know who caught me just by the distinct smell.   I would get laughed at in prison and be made somebody’s love slave because I was the one caught by the vinegar smell of Vagina-Cleaning Man.  My family would be shamed when they came to see me because I am sporting new drawn on scary eyebrows and cornrows in my hair and a brand new home-made tattoo.  Nope.  I am running if Vagina-Cleaning Man comes to bust me.  I am outta there.

I think Pocket Fiance hit the nail on the head with the worst superpower ever of vinegar smell.  No amounts of cute dancing and warning can make that superpower tolerable. With this superpower you will never be as cool as Batman.  Lame.  Totally lame.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did realize how lame having the superpower of releasing vinegar smell would be and how I wouldn’t want to be caught by Vagina-Cleaning Man but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl not wanting to be someone’s prison love slave and sporting a new tattoo due to my life of crime Running.  The experiment continues…

 

Why I Hate Flying Or People Are Assholes

I hate flying.  I know it is a necessity sometimes, but I really hate it.  BFF agrees with me here as she hates flying more than me.  She is a super nervous flier. I just hate the stress it causes me and I hate how people are so rude when you fly.  I would so rather travel by train or drive but that is not always possible, like when I went to Austin for a quick weekend.  I had to fly and luckily had great flying companions but really there are other reasons I hate to fly anymore.  Because people are assholes when they fly.  No really, they are.  It is like people forget common courtesy and manners when they fly.  Is it that hard? For some reason, I get irrationally irritated at these asshole people when I fly.  I don’t even know why I get so irritated.  Maybe it is because I hate flying so I take out my stress by being annoyed by these people but I think it is justified.  Because they really are assholes.

First off, let’s talk about carry on luggage.  Unfortunately, with airlines charging for checking your luggage anymore, more and more people are opting to use carry on luggage which means they become even bigger assholes.  Have you seen the size of bags people try to pass off as carry ons?  I am pretty sure a duffel bag big enough to put a full-sized body into is not going to meet the carry on size requirements.  Not even close.  And then there are the people who have full-sized garment bags and five carry ons all strapped together to try to make them one.  It is seriously crazy.  Then, these people get annoyed when the attendant tells them they have to check their bags.  Look Buddy, you are not getting away with that body in the duffel bag getting to fit in an overhead compartment.  It has to be checked.  No need to be rude to the attendant trying to do their job.  And really lady, do you think all five bags strapped together is going to fool anyone?  No need to yell and throw your arms about and complain loudly.  Don’t be an asshole.  I managed to bring two carry on bags(hint to you ladies out there…use a large purse and put your smaller purse inside it.  This large purse or bag can be the one you shove under your seat) and they will both fit because I am not carrying a body in mine…well unless I cut it up super small and even then, I think the head would take up most the room in my carry on bag.  But I digress. And hey guess what?  Because everyone is bringing so many carry on bags now, chances are high that the attendants will ask for people to volunteer to check their carry on bags FOR NO CHARGE.  Um…yes please.  We took advantage of that in a heartbeat when we flew back from Austin and didn’t have to stress whether or not we could find room anywhere near our seats to store our bags.  That part is stressful for anyone.  You don’t want to have to put your bag in an overhead compartment that is at the back of the plane when you are sitting at the front of the plane.  So, don’t be an asshole with your carry on bags and I won’t get so irritated.

Before we all got irritated at flying….and that dude behind us had the body sized duffel bag.  

The other thing that irritates me when flying is the boarding.  Why is this so complicated?  It used to be that there was a pre-board group and then they called by sections or whatever.  Now there is the pre-board, the gold level, the premiere level, ruby level, ambassadors, if you have a letter T in your name level and if you have a full on 70s bush of vagina hair level.  Why are there so many levels?  I don’t understand.  Are there any people left to board besides me and the lady with 5 carry on bags?  Oh maybe the one guy who smells like garlic and patchouli that you know is assigned to sit next to you.  You just know it.  And come on people, you all have a pre assigned seat so there is no need to crowd the gate, pushing people out of your way with your body bag to stand there when you are the last boarding group.  It is not like they are giving your seat away.  You already have it.  Nobody is going to sit there.  Just chill out and wait your turn.  Don’t be an asshole that stands there blocking the entrance to the line so that people have to ask you to move your body bag so they can get through.  What is the hurry to get to the gate?  So you can sit crammed up next to the stranger who smells like garlic and patchouli 30 minutes longer?  Gee that sounds like fun!  Let me rush right up there too!  Hell I will even grow out a full on 70s bush of vagina hair to get on earlier so I can sit there longer because it sounds like so much fun.  Sign me up!  Hey airlines…I know…let’s just go back to just loading the first class and people who need extra time or assistance first and then by sections or boarding groups.  Get rid of all these ridiculous levels and everyone use your manners and play nice.  Do you see why I get so irritated?  Ugh.  I just want to get home and not deal with someone coughing all over me or someone who stinks so bad I can’t breathe during the flight because I might choke and die on the amount of garlic that my row mate seems to have been consuming.  And I certainly don’t want to deal with assholes. So don’t be one.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did realize that people become assholes when they fly and think the rules don’t apply to them but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl irritated at body sized duffel bags and growing out my vagina hair to a full on 70s bush to get on my flight earlier Running.  The experiment continues…

Random Blog Topic: Sephora Samples

Ever get a sample in the mail and mean to use it but you somehow end up placing it and can’t remember where?  I am notorious for this.  Especially with Sephora samples.  There are no good places in my town to buy good makeup or things like that so I usually shop Sephora online.  Every time you order, you get three free samples in your order, which is great because then I can try new things.  Or shove them somewhere I don’t remember till I find a stash of them like I did the other day.  That is where this random blog topic came from I am sure when BFF picked it.  I had told her that I found a whole mess of samples that I decided maybe I should go through and try them out.  So, I sorted them and placed them in places I would actually use them, like my shower.  I was pretty excited to try them and here is where I ran into a problem.

I love me a good sample but my stash of them is ridiculous.

In my stash, I found several shampoo and conditioner samples so I thought I would try one since I needed to wash my hair anyway.  So there I am ready to wash my hair.  I go to open the packet of shampoo.  I try to tear it open where the little slit is just for that purpose and it opens a fraction of an inch.  I can’t get it open any further.  There is no way I can get the shampoo out with this teeny opening.  So frustrating.  I decide to try my teeth.  There I am, package in my mouth trying to tear or gnaw my way into the shampoo and hope I don’t end up with it in my mouth instead of on my head.  I even try the other side and decide that I am either going to chip my tooth trying or end up with a sudden mouthful of shampoo.  Nope.  Not happening.  Now that the package looks like Ninja Kitten chewed on it,I realize I have scissors in the bathroom. I quickly jump out of my shower and grab my scissors that are in the medicine cabinet and cut the damn thing open, leaving small puddles on the floor in my wake.  Because that isn’t dangerous.  Great.  Now I am going to slip and die naked in my own bathroom just trying to get a stupid shampoo sample open.  Do you think I could sue the company because I died trying to open their sample?  Why are the samples so hard to open?  The manufacturers have to know you are opening these in the shower.  I shouldn’t have to gnaw and chew my way or have Hulk strength to open the sample.

With it cut open, I get back in the shower to finally wash my hair.  I tilt the package and out pours maybe a quarter sized amount of shampoo.  Are you kidding me?  I have long, thick hair and there is no way a quarter sized amount of shampoo is going to wash my hair.  Maybe there is enough for a dude with short hair to use but for sure not for me. I don’ even think there was enough in that package to wash Bubby’s dog or even a hairless cat.  For reals. I try to see if there is more in there.  I squeeze the whole package, even holding it in my teeth to see if I can get more out by milking it down.  Nope.  There just isn’t more in there.  What the hell?  How am I supposed to see if the product is a good one if there isn’t even enough to wash my hair?  I had to add my own shampoo to that smidge to get my hair clean.  So note to shampoo manufacturers:   add more than a quarter size of your product to your sample if you want me to see if it works.  Just saying.  Some of us have more than the hair on a hairless cat to wash.  Oh and make it so I don’t have to slip and die naked in my bathroom just trying to get it open.  That would be great.

Alright so that shampoo sample did not work out for sure, but the power of the sample is real.  How many times have you used a sample and then bought the product or tasted your way through Sam’s Club and then ended up with your cart full of that food?  It is a real thing and companies are super smart to provide samples to customers because it does lure you in to buy a full-sized product.  I mean, I just ordered a facial cleanser due to a sample I got from Sephora.  And that sample was big enough to use more than once which I really liked.  That gave me plenty of times using it to make sure my skin liked it and that I wanted to spend the money on the product.  So see..the power of the sample.  And I didn’t have to try to chew it open to use it.  So the sample saved my teeth and the embarrassment of slipping and dying naked.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I almost died by slipping and falling naked in my bathroom trying to get a shampoo open but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who would like more shampoo than might wash a hairless cat in my sample Running.  The experiment continues…

The Scariest Ride To Get Stuck On At Disneyland

This last trip to Disneyland seemed to be the trip where we got stuck on rides.  Earlier I told you about BFF and I getting stuck on Hyperspace Mountain, and while slightly disturbing, nothing was as scary as all of us getting stuck on one of the most terrifying rides in the entire park.  One of the rides that I was afraid of dying on.  Seriously.  Let me tell you about this horrifying experience when Bubby, Pocket Fiance, BFF and I got stuck on the ride that scared us all to be stuck on. Insert shudder here.  Hold your children tight everyone because it is that frightening. That’s right. We got stuck on It’s A Small World.

In case you didn’t know, It’s A Small World is a classic ride at Disneyland.  It was actually created for the World’s Fair in 1964 and it is a ride all ages can enjoy.  If you enjoy hearing the same song sung over and over in all different languages for about 15 minutes.  The same exact song.  On repeat.  With these creepy figures from all the different countries signing it over and over and over.  We have actually joked before that this is where all the lost children go and have to live singing that song over and over and over.  It will stick in your head.  I am not kidding.  It is a ride that we usually avoid, except if we are there when the Christmas display is up or if it is extremely hot out because it is air-conditioned.  The only reason we rode it this time was because Pocket Fiance had never ridden it and it really is a classic ride.  So we decided to grin and bear it not knowing we might be facing imminent death getting stuck on it.

 

Luckily, the line for the ride wasn’t long and we got in a boat with others and began our journey into hell….I mean into the ride.  About half way, we think, our boat suddenly stops.  Just stops.  We watch as the boat in front of us disappeared into the next room and there we sit.  Alone.  Trapped in a room of creepy dolls singing the same song over and over. Their creepy smiles and weird mouths moving to mimic them singing this song that is now forever stuck in our heads.  I start to panic thinking I might be turned into one of those creepy dolls dressed up from Sweden moving back and forth lip syncing forever.  BFF also starts to panic as she doesn’t want to be part of this ride forever and ever either.  We all start talking about what we are going to do when Bubby, also terrified, leans over and starts frantically trying to paddle the boat with his arms.  I think “Genius!  If we an all paddle our way out, the dolls won’t get us!” I almost started paddling when I realized I didn’t want to put my hands in the water that might be infested with some sort of Ebola.  Great.  So now my choices are risk getting Ebola or be part of the creepy singing doll brigade.  Those are not great choices.  What do I do?  Luckily Bubby and another survivor in our boat had a great idea.  He and another person on our boat even manage to grab a hold of the wall, tipping the boat ever so slightly and scaring BFF who is afraid of falling into the water, to try to scoot us along.  It gets us going for a few minutes but then we are stuck again, in a wide turn where no one can reach the wall.  I am pretty sure at this point that we will die in here, our corpses never to be found because we have turned into one of the creepy dolls.  Even Pocket Fiance turns to BFF and I see the fear in her eyes as she realizes we are never getting out of this ride.  It is a terrifying thought.  The dolls are mocking us or maybe beckoning with their weird eye blinking and creepy big mouths.  They want us to join them.  Maybe this is why the song repeats because it lures you into a sense of peace so that you will join them.  It is the dark side of Disney.

Freaking creepy ass dolls.  Even now they beckon for you to join them…

Just as I am about to resign ourselves to the fate of the creepy singing Small World dolls, it happens.  Then there is a sudden bump to the back of our boat.  We turn and see that another boat has come along and bumped us, sending us on our journey.  You can feel the palpable relief fill the boat and we almost cheer. We couldn’t wait for that ride to be over.  We practically sprinted out of the boat when it stopped at the end.  I am sure people thought we were crazy as we talked about never wanting to go on that scary ride again.  You wouldn’t either if you were thinking that those creepy Small World dolls were going to make you part of the ride, doomed to sing that infernal song forever and ever.  Nope.  Pretty sure it will be quite awhile before we ride that ride again.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  We did manage to get stuck on the scariest ride in Disneyland but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who really does not want to become on of the creepy mechanical dolls lip synching to the annoying song forever Running.  The experiment continues.

 

 

Random Blog Topic: Finding Your Parent’s Porn Stash

Have you ever thought about what would happen if you died?  Like what would happen afterwards?  Not with you per say but with all your stuff.   Somebody in your family is going to have to go through your stuff. And by this, I mean all your stuff.  They will find all your deep dark secrets.  Everything you have hidden away from the world.  Now, think about who that might be.  If you are a parent, chances are it will probably be one of your kids.  Imagine your kids going through your closet, your clothes, and all of a sudden they open one drawer or bedside table or box under the bed and what do they find?  To their horror or amusement they have now discovered your porn stash complete with sex toys. Yup. Now we are all adults here, so I see nothing wrong with porn and sex toys.  I know most everybody has them nowadays and nothing wrong with that.   Unfortunately, this random blog topic was brought to you today by my friends, who had this wonderful experience just recently after her Dad died.  So let’s talk about this topic a bit and how maybe we can avoid it.

Like I said, I see nothing wrong with porn or sex toys or anything like this.  This is not what I am discussing.  I am talking about somebody finding your stash that you didn’t intend to find it.  This could cause a little bit of trauma.  I hear stories all the time about children finding their parents sex toys and coming out with them at inappropriate moments.  In fact, one of my friends recently told me about her daughter coming out of her room asking her if she wanted to have a Light Saber fight.  My friend, not looking up, said sure she would but that they didn’t have any Light Sabers to use.  Her daughter said she found a pink light saber and it lit up and turned and everything.  My friends looked up and to her horror, there was her daughter with her vibrator, turned on and brandishing it like a Light Saber.  Wow.  What do you even say to your child at that point?  How do you handle that?  At least it wasn’t in front of other people that is for sure.  Thank goodness her daughter was young enough to probably not remember this incident and need therapy for it.  My friend on the other hand is a different story.  I would need some wine at least.

I can’t even imagine having a small child finding your stash nor can I imagine finding one of my parent’s stash of porn and sex toys.  I am pretty sure that if this happened to me, I would need a whole box of wine, let alone some therapy to get through that.  It would be horrifying and amusing at the same time.  Also it might have a slight icky factor to it.  About like when you walk in on your parents having sex.  Gross.  Or even hear them having sex.  What is worse to you?  At least the sounds I can drown out but the visual effects of seeing your parents having sex will last a lifetime.  A lifetime of horrifying nightmarish visions that will come when you least expect it.  Not that I have had this experience and if I have, I am not sharing.  So gross.  Now, picture going through your parents stuff because they have died and finding their stash.  You open the box or drawer and find all their dirty little secrets.  What do you do?  Do you scream?  Do you close the drawer or box right away?  Do you stare at it horrified not being able to move?  I am not sure what my reaction would be but I bet it would be one of those.  And I would also be traumatized for life.  On one hand, at least your parents had  healthy sex life and maybe  to your horror you will discover they were into dungeon midget porn.  That would be awful.  I wouldn’t even know what to do.  It would for sure end up in the trash but the fact that I found it would still haunt me forever.

Your kids faces when they find your porn/sex toy stash after you die.  No joke.

I think I have a solution to this problem.  Designate someone to come over to your house after you die to get rid of the evidence before people start to go through it all.  Someone you trust  Someone who wouldn’t care what kind of freaky dungeon midget porn and S&M stuff you had been into before you died.  Someone who won’t judge you after you die.  It’s that simple.  That one person should come and get your stash and ditch it, preferably not in your own trash, and they should also clear your internet browsing history just in case you were browsing dungeon midget porn as well before you died.  It is so simple.  Just make a deal with someone.  I am making this deal with my Bubby cuz I know he won’t care if he finds any kind of freaky porn collection.  Not that I have one.  I mean, I might but I am not telling.  So just figure out who that person is and make a deal with them.. Don’t traumatize your children by leaving it for them to find.  Or at least put a good bottle of liquor in the drawer or box so that if they do find it, they can just get drunk to try to erase the memory.  I am so sorry to my friend who recently had to go through this traumatizing event.  So designate someone today!

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did get a little freaked out by the thought of discovering one of my parent’s porn/sex toy stash but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl glad my Bubby will be the one to destroy my stash Running.  The experiment continues…

Book Signing Etiquette 101 Or Don’t Be A Dick

All this writing about Austin Book Fest makes me remember that I am about to be an author at the Boise Book Fest in October!  What?  I really hope that some of you readers come find me and Seester there and buy some books.  I would love to meet some of you!  That being said, let’s talk about going to a book signing and what you should expect or basically book signing etiquette 101.  I mean, we all know I have told you the etiquette for comicon and really a book signing also has some etiquette rules.  Not every one will be as courteous as you, but at least you won’t be THAT person at some event.  Main rule is this:  Don’t be a dick.

First off, look at the rules set by the book signing.  If it says you can only bring in a certain number of books by an author, then try to stay at that number.  If you have more than the allowed number, be courteous and get out of line and get back in.  Seester and I stood behind a lady who not only pulled out about 20 books, but also had bags and bookmarks and all sorts of stuff for the author to sign.  I understand that bloggers might want a lot of stuff signed to give away, (I mean I am a blogger too remember? Plus, I have a book blog on Facebook called Devouring Pages) but at least try to notice that there are others behind you.  It was super frustrating to us as we had other authors to see at ABF, and this bonehead had to take up our time as well as that author’s time.  It had to have been overwhelming to the author to watch her pull out that much stuff out of her bag like it was Mary Poppin’s bag.  Where did she keep it all?  At most signings, authors have their books for sale anyways so you can always buy them there, providing they don’t run out.   But really, be considerate of the other fans in line behind you.  Now is not the time to start an hour-long conversation about a plot point in a book or about why the author killed off your favorite character.  That is what email is for.  On the other hand, if you have something you want to gift your favorite author, then bring it.  I watched a friend of mine bring Rachel Hollis a framed scripture quote for her baby nursery and Rachel was super excited and grateful for the thought she put into the gift.  (A side note….I once sent Rachel Hollis a shit ton of Tootsie Rolls because she told me how much she loved them….no joke.  I am kind weird like that.)  Authors love meeting their fans, taking pics and just getting to know some of them that they have met online.  Just don’t be that weird creepy stalker book person who tries to clip a lock of their hair or something (SOTL Man I am looking at you).  In other words…Don’t be a dick.

Stalking author Sara Ney…don’t be fooled.  She likes it.

Now that we have talked about bringing in books to a signing, let me tell you something…put them in something you can carry.  A lot of people I know bring those rolling crates to put their books in as they walk around.  Those are great, till it gets super crowded in the venue and you start running over everyone’s toes and slamming them into people’s calves.  This might have happened to me a few times, just saying.  Seester had one to start at the beginning of ABF, but as it got crowded, she opted to go leave it in the hotel room and use a bag.  I have even seen people with wagons.  Yes….WAGONS full of books.  Can you imagine the amount of money that is in that one wagon?  I mean for reals….a wagon?  To me that is a little crazy.  I realize that this might be the only time you might see the authors, but a wagon?  I was just happy to talk a little with some of them and take a pic even if I didn’t have a book for them to sign.  But bring a wagon?  Hard pass. Don’t be that dick.

Don’t be afraid to tell an author how much you loved their book, how much their writing means to you or even be afraid to speak to them like I am.  I admit that I am not the best at doing this part because I get overwhelmed and nervous, but look at what happened when I picked up Party Girl by Rachel Hollis!  I became her newest stalker!  I mean newest fan…yeah that is what I meant.  BFFE actually made it a goal of hers to read one book by every author at ABF so she could see if they would be ones she would want to get a signing from while she was there.  It was an amazing goal and I think she accomplished reading at least one book by every author.  Who knows….you might find a new favorite author to binge read.  Soon, you are reading everything they read, following them on social media, setting up secret shrines and sending them a shit ton of Tootsie Rolls in the mail.  Not that I have done any of that besides binge reading….yeah not me.  Excuse me while I go shut the door on the closet to my Colleen shrine.  Don’t go all Anne Wilkes from Misery on them and kidnap them and make them write you a book (hmmmmm…..this is a new thought to do with Colleen), but by all means tell them what their writing mean to you.  I saw a girl get overwhelmed by meeting Amy Harmon at ABF and she started crying because Amy’s books meant so much to her.  As an author, this is the highest form of compliments…we all hope to actually touch just one person.  I mean if it ends up with someone so obsessed with you that people end of creeping in your bushes and taking pictures to sell to People magazine, then that might be a problem.  Or is it?  I love a good stalker as much as the next person.  I might even encourage them….if you stalk me, it’s ok to tell me. If you get served a restraining order, then you will know it is time to back off.  Rachel Hollis (I swear I am not a stalker) made this fantastic video about the types of people you meet at a book signing and it is spot on so I am going to share it with you here.

Get to your signing early.  This is a great piece of advice I learned from experience.  Especially if there is going to be 1200 people at the signing.  You might think that getting there at 7 am for a noon signing sounds insane, but I wanted as much tie as possible in the signing.  I wanted to make sure I had the full four hours to meet people.  Talk to people in line.  You ill find people who like the same authors you do and might be crazier than you over them, discover new bloggers to follow, and maybe even meet some new best friends.  Book signings are a fantastic way to network if you are an author and even if you are attending as a reader.  You can meet people in PR, advertising, editing, bloggers…you name it and they are at a book signing.  It can be a great way to jump-start a book blog or get advice on getting started as an author.

I am going to encourage every one of you to join me at a book signing or find one of authors you like…it really is an experience that you will never forget.  Authors are people too, as I realized when I watched Colleen Hoover go into the bathroom last year and thought “OMG!  Colleen pees too!”  Don’t be surprised if they know you after talking with you online or seeing you at a couple of signings.  I am lucky that my name is so unconventional (Thanks Mom!) that a lot of authors remember it.  It creates a great conversation starter sometimes.  But find one near you, go by yourself or with friends and fangirl out.  Just remember the key piece of advice:  Don’t be a dick and have fun.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did decide to share with you book signing etiquette and maybe encourage your stalking a bit because who doesn’t love a good stalker but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who sometimes stalk authors but is NEVER a dick Running.  The experiment continues….

 

Authors Fangirl Too

I know I have talked about fangirling over other authors before, and this year I thought I was totally cool at Austin Book Fest.  I mean, I had met Colleen Hoover and managed to remember how to speak English and have conversations with her this year.  I was pretty sure that I would not freak out over an author this year.  Wrong.  So very wrong.  At ABF last year, I was standing in front of this author’s table waiting to get up to another author to get my book signed.  This author was so freaking cute and her table was covered in my favorite color…pink.  I kept looking at her book and casually picked it up to read the back.  It actually sounded super cute and fun…my type of romance.  I love sweet romances that are not heavy on the sex.  I can do without all the heaving and thrusting and weird body part names that authors give them (like flower, flesh tower, love muscle….you get the idea) sometimes.  Don’t get me wrong, when done well, a good sex scene is just that…good!  But anyways, I decided to take a chance on this author and buy her book as when I started talking to her, she was just as sweet as her book looked.  When I got home, I immediately read the book and fell in love.  This started my obsession with all things Rachel Hollis.

Rachel Hollis is genuine and sweet, just like the characters in her Girls series.  I started following her on social media, reading all of her books, trying her recipes on The Chic Site and then got invited to be in her street team.  It was here that I found other fans of Rachel and got to know her better.  She really is a wonderful beautiful soul.  When I found out she was going to be at ABF again this year, I got super excited.  She was the one, besides Colleen Hoover, that I wanted to meet the most. I really do want to be just like her…I am pretty sure we were friends or sisters in a past life because she reminds me so much of myself. But I did not expect what happened when I did meet her.  I did not expect to be sitting on a sofa, laughing so hard tears were running down my face as she sat next to me.  Nor did I expect to freak out and forget how to speak English again.

The night before the signing, our group of friends went down to the lobby to hang out and hopefully meet some other book nerds or authors there.  We were standing there talking when BFFE pointed out that Rachel Hollis had come over to where we were and sat at a couch near us.  I couldn’t even speak.  BFFE grabbed my hand and told me to go talk to her to which I shook my head.  Nope.  I couldn’t do it.  I admire her so much that even though I had met her before, I was afraid word vomit or actual vomit would come up and I would make a complete fool of myself.  It is one thing to talk to someone you admire online and another to talk to them in person.  Even Colleen makes me nervous still and I get super shy around her.  Luckily, my BFFE is super outgoing and she took my hand and pulled me in Rachel’s direction.  Rachel looked up from her drink as we approached, said my name and waved.  I about died.  Literally died.  She immediately got up and enveloped me in a hug and I just didn’t know what to say.  BFFE told her how nervous I was coming up to her and she laughed and said that I shouldn’t be.  Then she told me to sit by her like we were the best of friends.  I had to figure out how to form words so that I didn’t end up doing an interpretive dance in front of Rachel Hollis.  Although she might have joined me.  A few of my friends are also just as obsessed with her as I am and BFFE went over to tell them she was hanging out with us.  We decided to take pictures, of course, and this is how we ended up in hysterics.

OMG my face.  I might be a tad excited to meet Rachel Hollis
Selfie time!  How freaking adorable is she?

As we were gathering for what I would call a photo-op with Rachel Hollis, one of our friends, S.G., saw us all sitting together and jumped in for the photo.  Being it is our group of weirdos, she started posing all crazy and being her normal self.  We all started to giggle because she is so outrageous and she turned around and said “What?” and then it happened.  She saw Rachel Hollis sitting in between two of us.  She did a double take and the words “Oh My God it’s Rachel Hollis!  Rachel Hollis guys!  Are we taking a picture with Rachel Hollis?  Hey girl hey!”   And then, being who she is, S.G. turned around and once again posed for a photo.  Meanwhile, we are all in hysterics, tears running down both mine and Rachel’s faces over S.G.’s comments.  We laughed forever over this moment and we still all talk about it.  At least I am not the only one to fangirl like that over an author.  I am glad that Rachel Hollis is such a good sport and loved hanging out with us weirdos….at least I hope she did. Also, “Hey girl hey!”  Might be my new favorite phrase.

The before shot.  We all look so normal here.  Photo credit:  Cecile Bonzo
The best photo ever.  Hey girl hey! Photo credit:  Cecile Bonzo

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did meet Rachel Hollis and almost die of laughter but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who still fangirls over other authors and forgets to speak English Running.  The experiment continues…

 

Adventures at Austin Book Fest

In March, I went to Austin for a second year to attend Austin Book Fest and had some fun adventures that I need to share with you!  You might recall that last year this is where I met Colleen Hoover and Tarryn Fisher for the first time, forgot how to speak English, and met some of the bestest group of friends ever.  I got to meet up with my book friends again and meet some more amazing authors, as well as spend time with Colleen which is like a dream come true.  Have you ever been to a book signing?  Well, I am here to tell you that it can be the craziest thing you will ever experience.  There were 1200 bookworms at this signing and at times it felt like it.  Yes, that is right….you saw that number correct.  1200.  Book signings can be so much fun.  First off, you meet other people who like the same authors that you do and this creates instant friends, no matter where you all live.  Plus, if you an author, like me, you get to meet other authors, talk with them and get some fantastic connections in this weird world of publishing.  It was quite the adventure, let me tell you.  And I had the best group of friends around to traverse it with as you will find out.

I started off the trip taking BFFE to her first signing and flying with her and CallieBear to Seester’s house in Dallas.  Once in Dallas, we met up with my #soulmate at the airport and then picked up Seester to drive up to Sulpher Springs to the Bookworm Box that night to hang out with Colleen Hoover.  How has this become my life?  This is something I frequently thought throughout the weekend as lots of things happened to me that I have no idea how they actually occurred.  I was going to get to see the Bookworm Box in person which was something I was looking forward to so much.  I even got to see my books on the shelves in the store, which was amazing.  Completely beyond words.  The first night involved squees of joy, hugs, laughter, pizza, dancing around the store, interrupting Colleen’s live broadcast and cramming 5 girls into a tiny hotel room.  I might have almost killed my #soulmate as I tried to go to the bathroom and almost fell on top of her on the roll away bed.  But luckily, we all survived.  There was hotel hallway shenanigans and we might have been those loud obnoxious people in a hotel room at 11pm and for that we apologize but really we could not control our laughter as BFFE and I looked so gorgeous for bed.

 

 

Friday, the five of us traveled to Austin.  Let me say that was a fun road trip filled with singing, eating everything we could find, laughter and reading.  It got a little awkward when #soulmate turned to ask me what I was reading.  I looked at her and said “A sex scene from your book.”  #awkward.  We laughed a good deal over it though.  We checked into our bigger room in Austin that also included a roll away bed but one I would not kill #soulmate in when I went to the bathroom.  We met up with all the rest of our book friends and so much laughter and fun occurred.  We even threw a surprise baby shower for one of them that night.  This group of girls are some of the best people I have ever met.  I even ended up in author Mia Sheridan’s suite drinking wine with her and her husband and wondering again how this was my life.  There was a lot of shenanigans I can assure you.

Book friends really are the best friends….good thing they are as nuts as me.  Shenanigans.      I love these girls

Saturday came the signing and believe it or not, book nerds started lining up at 5:30 am for a signing that started at noon.  And we thought our group getting down there at 7 am was early!!  Knowing there were 1200 people in line made us all get up early and be obnoxious together for hours.  Seester and I even took the opportunity to walk through the line and handed out our bookmarks to people.  Hey!  Free advertising!!  Finally, we got to go inside and the chaos of a book signing ensued.  We had studied the floor plan earlier so we could make a game plan but that soon all went to shit as the room became over crowded and Seester and I couldn’t people much longer.  A group of our book friends and us decided to take a break and ate lunch for an hour because it was insane and then headed back in once the crowd had thinned.  The authors even offered to stay longer than the signing lasted which says something about them.  I can’t even imagine how bad their hands had to hurt and their smiles must have felt plastered on as they had to take picture after picture and sign a million books.  I met some amazing authors and met some more book friends this year.  And my group….well….let’s just say I found my pack of weirdos.  BS girls…we are totally a gang.

The amazing authors I met:  (top row) Mia Sheridan, Amy Harmon, Tara Sivec (bottom row) Chelsea Cameron, Sophie Jordan, and Kim Holden.  These women all make me want to be a better writer.  Also ignore my stoob rolls in these photos.
BS shenanigans continue amidst the chaos.  Someone might have farted.
Oh Sara Ney….how I love to stalk you.  Some call it stalking, I call it love. And no one else thinks we are as funny as we do. #selfiequeens
My #soulmate. She is like the other sister I never knew I had.  And a kick ass writer.  Even if you read a sex scene she has written while she is next to you in the car.  #awkward

If you ever get a chance to go to a book signing, then do it.  Even if you only know one author…do it.  You will discover new authors for you to read, make new friends and hopefully find your clan of weirdos like I have.  It will be an experience you will never forget.  You might even get to hang out with one of your idols like I did with Colleen Hoover.  Now excuse me while I go add more pictures to my secret shrine of her in my closet.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did get to experience a book signing with the best group of friends I have ever met on the internet and discovered that I want to be a better writer but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl missing Austin Book Fest and my BS girls Running.  The experiment continues….