Kristann Monaghan's Blog, page 5

A Dinner With Romance Authors In Which I Expand My Vocabulary

Ever wonder what it is like to have dinner with authors?  I am sure you readers out there have fantasized about the intellectual conversation that would occur, discussing books and reading and all sorts of things.  And inside you would be silently fangirling over the fact that you were having dinner with authors (Ok maybe that is just me.  Sometimes I forget that I, too, am a writer).  It would be like those dinners with Oprah that she used to show, a book club of sorts and it would all be elegant and fancy.  BFF and I had a dinner in Boise with other authors, most of them romance authors as that is what most of my friends write, and let me tell you it was quite the experience.  Not at all like what you picture.  Nope.  Let me tell you, when you have a dinner with mostly romance authors, the conversation gets rather….well shall we say colorful?  I am giggling right now just thinking about the author dinner following the signing at Boise.  Pretty sure my sides hurt from laughter and my vocabulary is greatly expanded.

Most of my friends happen to be romance authors because that is what I like to read.  Romance and YA are my two preferred genres and the group of romance authors I am friends with have helped me immensely in this author world.  After the signing, we had a dinner that the book fest organizer arranged in a private room at the hotel and our entire group went to have dinner together.   The dinner was actually JUST our entire group of friends with a couple of spouses, a brother, and BFF included.  I knew then there would be shenanigans.  There was some talk of business and how to improve the next year’s event, but quite rapidly the conversation turned.  Let me tell you, romance writers have quite the …ummmm….vocabulary.  I believe there was some sort of question asked about how many words could we all come up with as an alternative for the word penis.  Oh lordy.  I am quite certain that the brother of one of the authors was not prepared for the variety and the quick way in which that question was answered.  Pretty sure I must have heard like 250 words used to describe the male anatomy.  I have read a lot of terms, being a romance reader, like “shaft” and “member”, but the term “pussy puncher”?  That was a new one for even me.  The funny thing was that it actually came from one of the three men who were dining with us, not one of the romance writers in the group.  And that was not the only thing we learned from the guys.

We all quickly learned that in the military, it is quite customary to go into the bathroom and discover intricate drawings of the male anatomy.  Complete with shading and detail drawn usually in sharpie.  Apparently the bathrooms is usually where these drawings can be found and new ones pop up every day.  What I want to know is how much time do these guys spend in the bathroom drawing such pictures?  One of the guys even described going into the bathroom to clean off the penises already drawn in there and finding quite the drawing on the ceiling of the bathroom.  I believe he called it the “Sistine Chapel of Cock”.  I have never laughed so hard in my entire life as BFF turned to me and said “Can’t you just see it?  Two penises almost touching like in the original picture?”  Hysterical laughter could be heard loudly, especially as just as the phrase “Sistine Chapel of Cock” was said again as one of the wait staff walked into the room to see if we needed anything. He quickly exited, his face turning a few shades of red.  Poor dude.  The conversation turned even raunchier after that and our poor organizer got lessons in all sorts of sexual things.  These are romance writers after all.  She also turned some amazing shades of red.

Just when the poor wait staff thought it was safe to come in and clear for dessert, the same waiter came in right as we were discussing another picture that was described as “Dick-A-Saurus Rex”.  The poor waiter turned a few more shades of red and shook his head at us as we laughed even harder.  I am sure he had some stories to tell as he listened in to our colorful conversation.  I wish I could tell you all the conversation that we had, but lordy it was raunchy.  My friends are loud, obnoxious and hysterical. Let me just say that I left that dinner with a great expansion of my vocabulary and sore abdominal muscles.  Also, I am pretty sure the organizer is regretting allowing us to all be in the same room together.  I wonder if she is going to ask us all back?

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did learn new vocabulary for the male anatomy but I did not die.  I am the Fat Girl who learned all about the “Sistine Chapel of Cock” Running.  The experiment continues…

 

 

Popping My Book Signing Cherry

Did you hear that popping sound?  That was the sound of me traveling to Boise Book Fest and popping my book signing cherry as an author!  Book signings are a real thing.  They happen all over the world and readers flock to them to see their favorite authors or to discover new ones.  As a reader, I have been to a few (remember my meeting Colleen Hoover and Tarryn Fisher?) and it is at these book signings that I actually met an amazing group of people, some authors and some not.  It didn’t matter.  They are totally my tribe.  It was through the authors in this amazing group, that I found out about signing up for book signings as an author.  And I was lucky enough to have the pleasure of popping my book signing cherry with a group of these authors (some of whom I had only met online and my Seester included) at Boise Book Fest.

I was so nervous.  I don’t even know if the word nervous even begins to cover it to be honest.  I had a lot of anxiety over the signing.  What if nobody came over to my table?  What if I didn’t sell any books?  What if people didn’t want to read my books?  It gave me such anxiety but knowing my BFF was coming with me made me feel so much better.  We over packed per usual and caught a very early flight to Phoenix where we met up with Seester and BIL to catch the same flight to Boise.  I am sure we were annoying to the poor lady who was stuck with us singing and poking each other through the rows in the plane and yelling “Peek-A-Boo” but we had fun.

After finally getting to our hotel in Boise, we chilled out a bit before setting up for the signing.  Setting up was full of shenanigans as most of my author friends were there and we all helped each other in setting tables, putting up banners and table displays.  I was super excited to see Teagan Hunter there as that girl is my #soulmate and I might have tackled her and her Marine hubby in the hallway pretty hard.  BFF proceeded to start biting people as is her way and lots of laughter ensued at dinner later.

Traveling wears BFF out
We love the way Sara Ney smells….even after being on an airplane

Then the day of the signing was upon us.  I woke up super nervous with all those doubts floating around in my head.  BFF told me it was going to be just fine and also bit me (she bites pretty hard) I think for good luck or just because she could.  Either way it hurt and might have left a bruise.  We put on our sweet new Fat Girl Running T-shirts and headed down into the room.  Thank goodness I had BFF with me for this first signing as we all know I do not like to people.  But people I did!  Who knew doing a book signing would be so tiring and energizing at the same time?  I met so many readers and guess what?  I SOLD BOOKS!  Yup, dear fans, there are now new readers with copies of my books in their hands and wearing my shirts!  Can you believe it?  I actually sold quite half the shirts I brought with me so I call that a success.  Boom!  First large book signing in the bag!  I loved networking with other authors and hanging out with my favorite book people of all times.  Poor BFF was stuck putting up with us for the weekend but luckily she loved most of them (as witnessed by the bite marks.  Is she part vampire?).

Seester and I at our table!  Aren’t we cute?
This is what happens when our group of friends tries to get a picture…hot mess
My #soulmate.  Read Teagan Hunter.  You won’t regret it

I flew home satisfied that I had not only a fun weekend with other authors, but I sold books!  I wasn’t sitting by myself at a table waiting for people to come by.  I actually talked with readers, engaged them and got them to take a chance on me.  Score!  Also, now I have that ABBA song in my head….my head is a weird place.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I was so anxious I thought I might die, but I didn’t.  I am Fat Girl who popped her first book signing cherry Running.  The experiment continues…

On Being an Over-packer and New Shirts!

I am sitting here right now avoiding packing.  I absolutely hate packing.  I love to travel, but packing?  Nope.  Don’t love it even a little bit.  I am not so sure which is even worse…the actual packing or the unpacking and all the laundry that comes with it.  You should see me when I pack for one of our Disney trips.  You would think by now that packing for a trip like that is easy.  Yeah…no.  I am a notorious over-packer. Half the stuff I pack I never use, but what if you might need it?  Do you want to be caught without band aids and safety pins?  No.  You never know when you are going to need things.  I take twice as much stuff as I probably need.  I could never be one of those people who backpack through Europe with a pair of jeans and a toothbrush.  Nope.  First off that requires lots of outside time and I am such an indoor girl.  But for traveling?  Such an over-packer.

Take for example our recent four-day trip to Disneyland.  I need five shirts right?  No I need like ten.  Yup.  Ten.  I might wanna change or if I spill on one and don’t want to walk around with Dole Whip on my boob all day so this requires twice the amount of shirts.  Pants?  Now pants can be worn for days, especially jeans or jean capris.  Yeah so maybe three.  Then since I never know the weather, this will require two hoodies and a rain jacket (none of which I will use of course).  Double the unders and socks just in case and the unders need to match the bras which need to match the shirt choices.  Jammies.  You can’t forget jammies (well I have before but let’s not get into that).  An extra pair of shoes in case you get wet on a ride and need to change shoes.  Unless you are into walking around with squishy shoes.  I am not.  Oh we haven’t even gotten to the toiletries and makeup.  Ugh.  I fill a huge suitcase on my own.  Now let’s remember that BFF and I drive to Disneyland.  This now requires 2 coolers full of water and other drinks since we are driving across the desert and you never want to be without water doing that.  It is an 8 hour trip so this will require lots of snacks (most of which we wont eat because we know where to stop and get different crap).  I also need a smaller bag for the first night so I don’t have to take the bigger bag into that hotel.  OH!  Let’s not forget hair bows and headbands, watches and jewelry and all the things you need when you are old (like bengay, heat patches and pain meds).  Lastly, there needs to be a bag full of electronics for the car.  Things like the portable blu-ray player and movies, kindle, chargers, ipod, and whatever else is needed to keep BFF occupied while she is the passenger.  This is how we ended up with eleven bags for bell services to hold when we checked in.  Eleven bags between the two of us.  Sigh.  So ridiculous.

This trip I am currently packing for is different.  It is a book signing so this require so much more than just the basics.  Luckily, I don’t have to pack books to take to the signing as one of my friends lives there and I shipped them to her.  Whew.  That would be a whole extra bag.  And a heavy one at that.  Ugh.  But my big suitcase is already mostly full and I haven’t even put in clothes yet.  I have to pack my banner, bookmarks and candy, trays and markers, cash and money bag and cups/water bottles and t-shirts (YES!!  I got t-shirts!).  Speaking of t-shirts, I did a thing and had custom Fat Girl Running shirts made.  If you are in my fan group on Facebook (and why aren’t you?) then you already have the opportunity to order shirts at special prices.  Fat Girl Nation is the place to be I tell you so get in there!  Shirts will be up here on the blog on the merchandise form!  How cute are these shirts?  Made by Mockingbird Apparel, these shirts say “I didn’t die today” on the front and my branding on the back.  Her shop is awesome and full of nerdy shirts galore.  I can’t wait to see pics of you guys wearing your shirts!   But first, I must go finish packing.  I shall fill you all in on the signing when I get back.

I just want to wear them all the time.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did however procrastinate packing and wish I could pack lighter but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl over-packer now with custom t-shirts Running.  The experiment continues…

In Which BFF and I Encounter Drunks at a Concert

So this summer, BFF and I went to the hotbox of Satan’s Armpit to see my all time favorite band in concert.  Yup…that’s right.  We went to see Duran Duran again because I love going to see them live whenever I cn and BFF just tags along for the fun.  I have loved them since I was in junior high and any chance to see them perform live is a treat for me.  I mean, I have only missed one tour in all these years.  One.  I admit it.  I am a die-hard Duranie through and through.  So, I purchase the tickets the minute they went on sale and got us floor seats as close as I could possibly get to see my beloved John Taylor.  We got down to the floor and were told where the closest bathroom and bar were by one of the ushers.  Wait?  Bar?  Is this a thing at all concerts now or is it just the age of the people coming to see Duran Duran that we feel the need to have a bar at the concert?  Whatever the case may be, we opted out of that part as we wanted to enjoy the concert and remember it.  Obviously, others did not.  Let me tell you….some people should have been cut off before the concert even started.

There we were, sitting in our seats and realizing we should have brought earplugs to drown out the  horrible DJ that was playing when all of a sudden, this giant man came and plunked himself and his beer next to me.  It was quickly obvious to me that he had been pre concert partying as he almost spilled his beer on me no less than three times.  After apologizing, he then decided it was a good idea to talk to me.  Nope.  Slow your roll buddy.  I don’t need to have a conversation with you.  He proceeded to ask me about Duran Duran and who I liked the most.  His group was only there to see the opening act Chic and didn’t care about Duran Duran you see.  I learned a lot about this dude who I didn’t really want to talk to as he blabbered on and on about things.  Then, he abruptly stood up and left mid sentence and I breathed a sigh of relief.  I think he might have realized his beer was empty.  Unfortunately for me, he returned to slosh some more beer around and try to have a conversation with me again.  Stop it.  I am not going to give you my number.  Right before the concert started, the usher came over with some people and asked to see this guys ticket and asked him if he was in the right seat.  He didn’t even know where his seat was and that was not his so Drunken Dude was led away and a gal sat next to me that was neither drunk nor did she want to have a conversation with a stranger.  Thank goodness.

About this time, the people seated next to BFF showed up. Wow were they drunk.  And I don’t mean by a little, I mean DRUUUUNNNNKKKK.  Let’s add into the fact that she was like an Amazonian woman and BFF is a tiny little woman.  Oh boy.  When the concert started, we stood to dance and that is when the trouble started.  Because what happens when you are that drunk?  Pretty sure you lack the coordination to control your own limbs. This drunk woman kept knocking into BFF and standing in front of her so she couldn’t see.  I mean even I would not be able to see over this Amazonian of a woman.  Bing the spunky little woman BFF is, she finally tapped the lady and told her she kept standing in front of her.  Luckily, the Amazonian was nice and made sure it didn’t happen again.  The guy she was with?  Not so much.  When The Reflex was played, this was apparently his favorite song and he proceeded to show his love for this song by dancing along the row in front of us in drunk fashion, pointing and singing.  It was quite hilarious if I had wanted to see a show of a drunk trying to be Simon Le Bon.  Guess what buddy?  You aren’t Simon so take your drunk ass back to your seat and stay there.  Ugh.  I hate drunk people.  Ok…really I just hate people.  But seriously, why the drinking at concerts?  Is it just a ploy for the venues to make more money?  Are people just incapable of enjoying music without it?  And how many of these people try to drive home after drinking at a concert?  BFF and I?  We will stick to just enjoying our fangirl moment and screaming like 13-year-old girls.  Yeah…that happened.

Play that f**ing bass John!
John Taylor and Simon Le Bon….insert dreamy sigh here

 

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  Instead I suffered through some drunk experiences at a Duran Duran concert but didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who is also a teenage Duranie fangirl for life Running.  The experiment continues…

The Holidays Are Just A Date On The Calendar

It is coming up on holiday season faster than I even realized as I sat in a scheduling meeting the other day at work where we were discussing the holiday working schedule.  It is about this time of year that I get super frustrated with people.  Not because of the holidays themselves but because of people’s attitudes surrounding the holidays and working.  The holidays are just a date.  A time to celebrate family.  But is does not have to be exactly on that date  Just ask those of us that are in professions where working holidays is expected.

Every year around the holidays, It never fails that I will see a bunch of memes or posts on social media about the “poor retail worker” that has to work the holidays.  How everyone has a “right” to have the holidays off to spend with their family.  Let’s talk about this.  Having worked in a profession for the last 20 years that has to work holidays, I find these posts dumb.  No, I won’t feel sorry for the “poor retail worker” who has to work holidays.  I won’t feel sorry for anyone who has to work holidays.  Why?  Because to those of us that work the holidays the day is just that…a date on the calendar.

Now, before you get your chonies in a twist, let me explain.  The point of holidays is to spend it with your loved ones, right?  Well, celebrate on a different day if you have to work.  Thanksgiving dinner can be on a different day.  Christmas can be on a different day. Yes, it can.  I know plenty of people who have to work the holidays whose families celebrate Christmas on a different day.  If Christmas church service is important to you, then you try to arrange to go to a service that works around your schedule.  I look at my church schedule and find one that works for me and I work night shift  Yup.  That’s right, I never miss Christmas mass because my church has more than one service.  Sometimes it means going on Christmas Eve at like 4 pm and then go to work, but I go with my family.  We celebrate Christmas whenever we can all get together and usually with my Mom that means the week before because all of us work the holidays and she lives 2 hours away.  But we make our own celebration.  Every year, my Bubby and I Skype Christmas with Seester who lives in Texas and we have to arrange when we can do it because all of us here and her husband work holidays.  You can make it work.  You just have to realize that the holiday is just a date on the calendar.  Make it your own. Your family really can adapt. As for kids, they really do not care what day they open presents or on what day Santa comes.  Let’s be real…they are in it for the loot.

Skype Christmas is so much fun!

As for the “poor retail worker”,  nope I don’t feel sorry for them one bit.  Maybe it’s because before I became a nurse, I worked in other industries that had to work holidays as well.  So lets take a moment and realize how many people work the holidays.  The hotels you stay at when traveling to your family or while visiting family?  Those workers all work the holidays.  The gas you put in your car to drive to Grandma’s house?  The gas station is manned by people working the holidays.  Some people don’t like to cook on the holidays and would prefer to go to a buffet or a restaurant.  Those workers are all working.  When you forget the rolls for Thanksgiving and run out to get them at the grocery store?  It’s open because people are working.  Those trips you plan around the holidays to Disneyland or some other destination?  The airlines and resort staff are working to make sure you get where you need and your holiday is perfect.  When there are car wrecks because of all the tired drivers?  You can thank all the police, fire fighters, emergency crews and staff at the hospitals that are working that day to save your loved ones.  Hospitals don’t close on the holidays.  We are open 24/7/365.  We work holidays to help your loved ones get better.  We give up time with our families to take care of yours.  We lack sleep a lot of time to spend time with our loved ones on a different day because we make our own holidays and it is just fine.  Some of us don’t mind working the holidays. We like making the overtime or we just like making holidays special for those who might feel like crap or who are traveleing.  Pocket Fiance says working Christmas morning at the hotel she works at is her favorite. I love working Christmas Eve and wrapping presents for the kids who are patients and leaving them in their rooms in the middle of the night so that Santa came to see them.  There are a lot of us who work the holidays.  So, no I don’t feel sorry for retail workers.  At all.

Stop with the memes and posts about the “poor retail worker” working and how they should be with their families.  How about posts and thanks to all of us that do work the holidays?  How about a smile and thank you when you see us working hard on the holidays?  Yes, sometimes we would rather be with our families too (or not as the case may be) on the holidays, but there we are working.  So take the time this holiday season to make a post thanking all those of us working.  That is a better use of your time.  Nurses around the world will thank you.  Hell all of us in different industries that work the holidays will thank you.  End rant.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did pick my own holiday dates to celebrate with my family because of work but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl proud to be a nurse who works the holidays and makes her holidays a different day Running.  The experiment continues…

Three Years Later: Why I Don’t Need A Pap Exam

 

Super Stann:  Kicking Cancer’s Ass for the past 3 years

Thanks to Facebook, I was reminded the other day that it has been 3 years since I was diagnosed with uterine cancer.  Gee thanks Facebook?  But yasssssss!  3 years and counting CANCER FREE!!  The funny thing was this memory came right on the same day that I had my duck lip exam.  Yes, I still have to have an exam yearly because I still have my ovaries and I need my annual boobie squish.  But guess what I don’t need?  A pap exam.  And guess who just could not grasp that concept?  The medical assistant in the doctor’s office.  Seriously.

In case you aren’t aware, the pap exam is where us women get the oh so wonderful experience of having not only the duck lips inserted and cranking you open like you are on display, but then you get to get cells scraped off your cervix to be examined.  Guys, let us just say it would be akin to someone sticking something up your penis to scrape cells off of it.  There.  Does that give you a good visual? It is not pleasant and most of us dread this part of the exam.  The best thing about having had a hysterectomy three years ago?  I have no baby box.  My uterus and cervix were removed and so I don’t have to worry about things like pap smears or getting pregnant any more.  My exams just involve a quick look and feel by the doctor and I am sent on my merry way. Simple and easy.  Until this appointment.  This one was so not simple.

I sat and filled out the paper that they make you fill out every time about why you are there and all that business and then I got called to the back for my appointment.  The part I hate the most is the damn scale.  Why does the scale in the doctor’s office always weigh you heavier.  I swear I wanted to tell them that to make women feel better, they should weigh us once we get all naked with our little gowns and drapes on.  I mean then I wouldn’t feel like I had gained like 25 pounds with my jeans, shoes and purse on.  After making me feel like a giant cow by weighing me, I went into the exam room where the confusion about me needing a pap exam started.  The Medical Assistant (MA) asked me when my last pap smear was and I answered 3 years ago before my hysterectomy.  She looked concerned , made some notes in my chart and turned to me and remarked how long it had been.  Yup.  Because I had a hysterectomy.  I figured maybe she didn’t hear me or look at my paper that I filled out that said I had one, so I just nodded. She continued to prep me with things like blood pressure and the like while still asking me questions and filling out things in the computer.  Then this occurred:

MA:  “Since it has been three years since your last pap exam, I am going to set one up because you will need one.”

Me:  “No, I don’t need a pap exam.  I had a hysterectomy.”

MA (emphatically and now speaking to me like I am stupid):  “Yes, but it has been three years since your last one so the Doctor is going to want one. That is part of your well woman exam.”

Me with raised eyebrows:  “Yes, I am quite aware that it is part of the well woman exam.  I don’t need one because I had a hysterectomy three years ago.”

MA (insistent):  “I don’t think you understand what a pap smear is so I am just going to set it all up because you NEED one.  It has been three years.  We check for cancer with these you know.”

Me (uber frustrated):  “Yes, I am a nurse so I completely understand why you do a pap smear.  I. Had. A. Hysterectomy.  You know, where they remove your uterus and cervix? No need for a pap smear.”

MA (utterly confused by my words): “If you are a nurse, then you should understand how important a pap smear is and why the doctor will want one. What if you have cancer?”

Me (with the are you freaking kidding me look on my face):  “Been there. Done that.  I really do not need a pap smear ok?”

MA (shaking her head and sighing a little):  “So let me get this straight.  You don’t want a pap smear because you had a hysterectomy?  You know you could have cancer and this test will detect it and you still don’t want one.  So you are refusing a pap smear?”

Me (Done.  So done.):  “Yup.  That’s it.  I refuse.  You can tell her that yourself.  That I refuse because I had a hysterectomy, ok?  Use those exact words for me too.”

MA:  “Ok I will.  Just so you know the risks about not getting one.  I will tell her you refused the pap smear because you had a hysterectomy and don’t feel you need one.  Now, I see here you don’t use birth control.  Why not?”

Face Palm.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did however realize that maybe not everyone knows exactly what a hysterectomy entails (a medical assistant should though) but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl Super Stann still kicking cancer’s ass Running.  The experiment continues…

Family Road Trip

This summer, my Seester and BIL came for a visit and we planned on doing some fun things, including a road trip up to Monument Valley.  It is only a short 3 hour drive from here, yet I had never been there.  Both Bubby and BIL are really into photography and are amazing so they wanted to go to get some good pictures.  The girls in the family?  Well, we were just along for the ride.  And the company.  The group of us had never taken a road trip together so I had a feeling it would be a crazy trip.  I was not wrong.  Ever wonder what my family is like crammed into a van at 5 am?  Well, you are about to find out.  Buckle up.  This is MY family we are talking about.

We collectively decided to get up at the butt crack of dawn because we knew that Monument Valley would be upwards of 90-100 degrees by afternoon. Plus we needed to get the minivan we rented back by 6pm. So at 5:30 am, there we were….all of us sleepily climbing into the van with pillows and snacks. We had to have snacks. Any road trip requires them. For reals. Since I was on Wilder Way, I packed healthy snacks like fruit, nuts, popcorn and yogurt. The rest of us? Lots of junk food for sure. We might have been ensconced in powdered sugar and sprinkles as we pulled out of town.  

The van ride was pretty quiet for awhile as us girls slept a bit and the boys chatted up front. Once we all were more awake, the topic of conversation that only my family could have began: what exactly constituted weird butt stuff. I cannot make this stuff up. This is my family. You see a couple of nights earlier, we had game night and of course we played Cards Against Humanity and that was the card we decided to talk about. I have no idea how it came up, but soon a full on discussion of what was weird versus normal (is there such a thing?) sexual butt stuff was occurring. What constitutes “weird” in this topic? I mean isnt the whole topic weird and why are we discussing it? And not just for a few minutes either but for quite awhile. Who does that? Who has a discussion for like an hour on weird butt stuff?  My family. I don’t even think we ever came to a conclusion on this topic but I am sure we will revisit it. Because my family is weird and curious like that.

We arrived at Monument Valley and we’re blown away by the beauty and majesty of it all. The drive through it involves a long dirt road but it is so worth it. Take a look for your self.

 

 

Aren’t we so cute?As we drove through, we kept running into this same car who we soon called the Douchecanoe Car. This guy would pull over randomly on this narrow dirt road to take pictures from his car instead of pulling into the designated areas created for people to do this. He also would pass us on this as we obviously were going to slow for him even though you needed to do so. This guy was a real peach. As we went to go back up to the visitors center to eat fry bread, who should be stuck on that dirt road going up the hill? Douchecanoe Car of course. He was spinning his wheels of his sports car (Not the wisest choice in vehicles for this trip btw) causing a line of cars to sit at the bottom because nobody wanted to be behind Mr Douchecanoe. We decided that maybe someone needed to do scary butt stuff to him.  Seriously. He was stopping us from our fry bread lunch. He needed to be destroyed. Ugh. Some people. We finally got up and ate fry bread no thanks to that guy. 

I shall leave you with one last picture that acurrately describes my family in three words: weird butt stuff.

Yes. This was in public. Yes. Other people not our family were around.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today. I did take a family road trip full of odd conversation and discover some beauty near me but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl whose family discusses weird butt stuff Running. The experiment continues…

What way? The Wilder way!

We all know my struggles with weight loss. I mean I have been on every diet known to man I swear. I feel my whole life has been a struggle to get weight off and keep it off. It is a real issue. I have such a love/hate with food. I love to eat it and I hate that it makes me gain weight. Some people feel food is an addiction and for the longest time, I felt that is what my problem was…I was addicted to food. What I didn’t realize is that I was actually addicted to something else…sugar. You may think I am full of crap, but read on. You will understand as I explain my road on the Wilder Way.

What way you ask? The Wilder Way! Back in May, I decided to try out an 8 week challenge to kick start my weight loss yet again. My friends had all been talking about how author Jasinda Wilder was coming out with a weight loss book and how they were going to try it out. I admit, I was curious since I am always looking for a new way to try and lose my stoob. I joined Jasinda’s online support group on Facebook and started reading about what she has coined the Wilder Way. I mean she looks amazeballs with losing the equivalent to a whole person. For reals. There has to be something to it if she has lost that much weight, right? I ordered the book, Big Girls Do It Running, which sounded perfect for this Fat Girl Running and started reading. 8 weeks? I can do that. That is nothing. Then I got to the part where Jasinda explains about sugar and sugar addiction. Nah. That can’t be me. I am not addicted to sugar. I hardly eat sweets. Nope. She totally is not speaking to me.  I kept reading and got the basics. The first 4 weeks of the challenge you slowly cut out sugar from your diet and detox from it. The next 4 you learn all about good fats and carbs and how to carb cycle. It sounded super interesting and something I could do. But I was still convinced I was not addicted to sugar.

This book changed my life. For reals.

I started the challenge and found it to be pretty easy. I can do this. Cutting out sugar slowly meant I had to make different food/drink choices. But I was ready for this. I needed this. Was I addicted to sugar? Nah. Not me. Then the headaches started. About week 3 I was plagued with 3 to 4 days of solid headaches, some even migraines. It was awful. The headaches were rancid and I could not figure out why until I read in the book about the signs of sugar detox. The first one? Headaches. Huh. After those 3-4 days, the headaches went away and I had more energy. I was sleeping better. My skin looked amazing. I felt so much better. Hmmmm.  After 4 weeks, I was sugar free and have not looked back. Maybe there was something to this sugar addiction Jasinda was talking about. I was sugar addicted and did not even realize it.

After I became sugar free, the weight started coming off. I started learning about good carbs and good fats and how to switch foods up to carb cycle. Jasinda uses plate colors to help you figure this out. White plates for meals with carbs and lean proteins, black plates for no carbs and full fats (including ice cream and chocolate made with stevia!).  It was the easiest thing I have ever done. BFF has even figured out what color plate I am eating when we go out or when she looks at my lunch. It is that easy. I swear it is. 

Example of a white plate meal. Salmon with cornmeal and seasonings, sprouted brown rice and peas. Yes. I made this.

I completed the 8 weeks and kept going. Weight keeps steadily coming off and I didn’t even have to change my lifestyle that much. I have found the Wilder Way to be the easiest and most flexible eating plan I have ever been on. Hands down. I honestly don’t think I ever realized how much sugar was in the foods that I was eating. I never stopped to read labels before and now I am. I no longer buy foods that contain sugar or drink soda. I don’t eat fast food like I used to eat it and I don’t even crave it. I am fuller when I eat. I cook! I rediscovered my love of cooking with the Wilder Way and making dinner is now a pleasure. I can still eat out. I am even training for a 5k! My initial dream of doing the Tinker bell 5k at Disneyland is probably going to happen. All because of the Wilder Way. Jasinda has changed the way I look at food and I am almost 15 pounds down (should be by next week) in 12 weeks now. That is about a pound a week which is a good healthy weight loss. Last night I did a Naked Dance of Joy when my towel closed all the way around me. Epic Naked Dance of Joy I tell you. All because a towel fit all the way around me without showing a big chunk of skin. It is the little things.

So check it out. Take the Wilder Way challenge. Become sugar free. I promise to keep you updated on my progress if you keep me updated on yours.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I realized I was sugar addicted but didn’t die. I am sugar free Fat Girl on the Wilder Way Running. The experiment continues…

Lost In Shipping

What do you guys do to prepare for house guests?  Since my Seester and BIL were coming for a visit, I decided it was time to fix up my extra room for more than the Reds or my Mom visiting.  In that room was a futon (that Big Red was outgrowing) and I usually used an air mattress with Little Red and my Mom.  It worked, but I really wanted a day bed to put in there.  I gave my futon to a co-worker who had just moved and needed something for their kids in their playroom since I was going to make that room all cozy with a day bed.  Have you ever tried to find a day bed?  Well, let me tell you, in a small mountain town, this can be quite the futile search.  I mean, we have like 3 furniture stores in town and one of them had recently closed down.  So, my options were quite limited.  In fact, they were limited to zero.  Nada.  None.  That is how many I found in town.  I also wanted a pop up trundle-bed for when there were 2 guests (either 2 singles or make it into a king for the likes of Seester and BIL)  I mean, this is a working situation, right?  Apparently not.  Nobody in town carried the trundle either, making my drie around town a waste of gas.  It was ridiculous.  So, Amazon it was.

I quickly found online exactly what i needed.  A day bed and then a pop up trundle to go with it.  Order placed in plenty of time for me to get it put together, get mattresses and sheets and make that room cute.  I went on with my life, knowing this would all be here in plenty of time.  Wrong.  I woke up one day while I was sleeping to find the day bed portion was delivered as promised on my front porch.  But it was missing the trundle.  Huh.  I somehow managed to strongman the large cumbersome box into my house and into the extra bedroom for Bubby to put together, because that is was little brothers are for…to put your stuff together.  That and to come over and kill giant spiders.  These are important job duties of being my little brother.  Knowing that the trundle-bed was supposed to arrive on the same day as the regular bed, I went online to check the status of my order.  Great.  Delayed.  By 5 days even.  Well, that still leaves me a few days to get it all ready.  The only bummer is that was when I was working between my folks being here and my Seester coming to visit.  BUt I could make it work.  So all day on that Friday, there I sat.  Waiting.  Being some creeper every time I heard what I thought was a delivery truck coming down the street and looking out  my bedroom window or my front door.  I really need to get a life.  But nobody stopped at my door.  No trundle bed.  I even waited until 8 pm before I finally gave up the notion that it was ever gonna come.  Great.  Now what?  I mean I had people coming to sleep at my house and all I had was an empty room and a day bed in a box.

I called Amazon to see what was up with the delivery as now the status on the order said it was lost.  This just keeps getting better and better.  How the hell do you lose a twin sized bed frame?  It is not like you can put that in your backpack and run away with it without someone noticing.  I don’t think you could even strap it to a skateboard to escape with it.  Did it go down a wormhole?  Did The Doctor put it in his T.A.R.D.I.S.?  I mean that thing is bigger on the inside so it could fit in there.  Maybe he needed it for a companion to sleep on?  When I called Amazon, the lady started looking for my order.  She couldn’t find it either.  She tried tracking it and nothing.  It was lost.  I think that somewhere some homeless person probably got my bed frame and is having the best night ever on the streets.  So Amazon refunded my money for the trundle-bed since it was currently occupying space in the barracks for the Stormtroopers on the Death Star.  But no I had to figure out what to do for Seester and BIL.  It was not like they could sleep on the floor or on the box that the contained teh day bed.  I mean I guess they could pretend they are the homeless dude before he got delivered my bed frame, cut up the cardboard for protection against the elements and camp out on my floor.  Luckily, I have an air mattress that I keep and that Bubby uses when he stays at my Moms.  Unfortunately, it had a slow leak and therefore, really was not going to work.  Well poop.  I guess I know where that refunded money was going to go.  Back to Amazon to buy a new air mattress.  Sigh.

After researching what air mattresses are the best (yes, I am THAT girl), I ordered one and even paid for the 2 day shipping since it was going to arrive after the fact otherwise. It wasn’t ideal, but it would have to work.  The next day, I get a postcard in the mail from some shipping company I have never heard of stating they have been trying to call me to set up a delivery.  For what?  The trundle-bed.  Are you kidding me?  Well, now what?  Is it really going to show up?  Maybe Han Solo and Chewbacca will deliver my bed frame from teh nether regions of space.  That would be cool. Wicked cool.  But will it really show up?  Hmmmm.  They make arrangements to deliver it 2 days after my Seester and BIL arrive so the air mattress will have to do.  Ugh.  Luckily the ai mattress arrived the day before they were to arrive so I got to setting it up.  Holy cannoli.  Air mattresses have come a long way.  This monstrosity inflated up to my thigh and was super comfy.  I remember air mattresses from when I was a child basically being a thin sliver of air you attempted to lay on and not roll off of during the night.  I mean you might as well have slept without one because you could feel every rock, bump, stick and whatever might be under you.  This air mttress….wow.  Once I got it all prettied up, you really could not even tell it was an air mattress.  Really you couldn’t.

Not the air mattress of my childhood

Now the question was will the trundle-bed show up?  What do I do if it does?  Amazon already refunded me the money.  Bets were it would not show up.  I mean it already got lost once.  Friday came and we all decided to go out real quick and be back in time for the Mystery Truck to arrive and deliver the missing giant box full of metal.  I was stating to my Seester that the truck was supposed to arrive in a couple of hours as we walked out the door and a giant truck was pulling into my driveway.  Or right then.  It could come right then.  The Mystery Truck opened and lo and behold…the magically lost trundle bed came out and was placed into my garage.  Well now what?  A quick call to Amazon and I explained the situation.  The dude on the other end of the line, we shall call him The Chad, was a little confused.  He couldn’t seem to fathom that Han Solo and Chewbacca or possibly The Doctor had retrieved my missing trundle bed in the nether regions of the universe and delivered it to me.  Pretty sure he just sat there in silence and then said “uh….ok”. Pretty sure it was more of a hassle to figure out what happened with my account than The Chad wanted to deal with right then.  I think he would rather just go outside and smoke a big doobie.  Thanks The Chad…uh…for your non-help.  Hey.  I tried.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did wonder how a large metal bed frame got lost in shipping but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl with a fancy new air mattress AND a new day bed/trundle bed rescued by either Han Solo or The Doctor Running.  The experiment continues…

Weirdos At The Theater

BFF and I love to go see live musicals and one of our favorites is Newsies.  If you remember, we saw it over a year ago and had a weird experience where people in Tucson didn’t dress up.  At all.  Well, when we heard it was coming back, we got tickets to the show in Phoenix (AKA the Devil’s Butthole) and were super excited to go.  So we planned a trip and decided to throw in a baseball game while we were down there.  In case you didn’t know, both of us are huge baseball fanatics so we can’t pass up a chance to see one live if we have the opportunity, especially to see the Arizona Diamondbacks play.  Even if it meant a couple of days in the Devil’s Butthole.  But baseball and Newsies with my BFF?  A good time had by all…till we ran into weirdos at the theater.

Aren’t we the cutest baseball fans ever?  Pretty sure.

The baseball game was great as expected because baseball.  Even though we lost to the Dodgers, we had a great time.  We ate some amazing food and had fun with all the people around us and then walked back to our hotel.  The next night was Newsies and we were so excited to see it again.  If you haven’t seen this one, you really really should.  Disney does an amazing job with musicals and this one is no exception.  So, BFF and I got dressed up appropriately in nice dresses and went to the theater.  This is where the weirdness began.  Is there some unspoken rule now that people don’t dress up for the theater anymore?  I mean, we were not in fancy dresses because it was a mid week show, but we were still in nicer dresses.  People were in shorts and flip-flops, jeans and t-shirts, even kids were in every day sloppy clothes.  The exception was the one little guy we saw all dressed up in a Newsies costume, which was AWESOME!  We should have taken a photo of him because he was so adorable, complete with Newsies bag for papers and all.  Seriously adorable and obviously a fan.  Also, ladies…when you were a dress, make sure your bits and pieces are covered.  I do not need to see most of your arse while we are at the theater. So many girls had on the shortest dresses.  Please save that for other events, like hooking on the street.  I guess I don’t get it.  I was always taught that you dress up for things like the theater or the ballet.  Apparently, when it is hot out, people in Phoenix don’t do that either.  I still feel that you shouldn’t wear shorts and flip flops and a golf visor on your head to the theater.  Nope.  Have some respect and wear at least church clothes, especially when you pay good money to see a Broadway show or a ballet.  Although BFF did point out that some of those people might wear exactly that to church.  Am I just old-fashioned?

Appropriately dressed for a Broadway show.  Bits and pieces covered.

Once in our seats, BFF and I started looking through our playbills and talking about how excited we were to see the show.  We were there early, so for a bit, our seats around us were empty.  Some ladies soon showed up and one larger girl took the seat next to BFF.  And by took the seat, I mean she almost sat on BFF.  No, wait.  She did sit upon her at first.  So there is poor BFF scooted over as far as she can get in her seat towards me and the gal sitting next to her has turned to talk to her friend and in doing so, pushes up against BFF even more.  Really?  Are you kidding me?  I realize that she was a bigger girl, but so am I and I don’t sit upon people or squish them!  BFF is quite perturbed at this point and quietly I offer to switch her seats but she shakes her head.  I think we were hoping the gal would notice she was practically sitting on top of her.  Nope.  She sure as heck did not notice.  Squishy Lady just kept on talking and then she flipped her hair.  Right in BFF’s face.  BFF was now quite done and said to her in a polite yet bitchy tone “Excuse me but you just flipped your hair right in my face.”  OH!  Now the lady noticed she was sitting right on top of her and moved and apologized.  Thank goodness.  Otherwise BFF would have been squished right up against me for the entire show.  I was afraid she would be trapped there all night, unable to pee, drink water or even breathe.  I might have had to rescue her if the lady had not moved.  We even snapchatted about it quietly (Follow me there for fun stuff!  Snapchat name:  ladymiryaa).  BFF was finally free of the Squishy Lady next to her and we settled back to talk a bit before the show started.  And that is when I noticed the guy sitting next to me.

I hadn’t noticed him before because I was plotting on how to free BFF from the Squishy Lady so that my BFF wouldn’t be a squished little pancake BFF.  But after the Squishy Lady quit squishing her, I reached down to get some water to drink and noticed the man next to me.  The man who had removed his shoes.  Excuse me?  Is this real?  Yes, you read that right.  He had removed his shoes.  And not flip-flops, regular dress shoes.  So, there he sat in his nice dress clothes and his socks.  Hello!  You are not at home in front of your TV.  You are at the theater.  With other people.  You can’t just remove your shoes and fill the theater with your foot funk.  I nudged BFF and tilted my head at the Socked Wonder sitting next to me.  She looked down and then at me in horror and disgust.  Have I mentioned we both hate feet?  Seriously he had his shoes off!  I mean what the heck.  Who does that?  BFF quietly leans towards me and says “You win.  That is disgusting.”  Yahoo?  I won!  Not sure that I wanted to win that competition of having the worst weirdo sitting next to me at the theater, but I did.  Ugh.

Despite the weirdos at the theater, BFF and I had a great time in the Devil’s Butthole for a couple of days.  And go see Newsies!  Hopefully you won’t have your own version of Squishy Lady and Socked Wonder at your show.  And please, for my sake, dress nicely and cover your bits and pieces.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did discover that people are weirdos at the theater but I didn’t die.  I am Fat Girl who doesn’t squish people or take off her shoes at the theater Running.  The experiment continues…