Sara Eckel's Blog, page 8

What I Learned From My Year of Relentless Book Promotion

One year ago today, I published my first book, It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single.

The book is based on a Modern Love column I published in 2011 about meeting my husband at 39, after spending the previous twenty years wondering what was “wrong” with me that I couldn’t find a partner (and which I recently learned is of the most popular Modern Loves in the column’s ten-year history). In the book, I take on all of the annoying reasons people tell singles they’re alone–from “you’re too needy” to “you’re too independent.”

Before my book came out, I was cranky about the idea of self-promotion–for all the usual reasons; it seemed icky and uncool. Plus, I knew there was a good chance I’d annoy people. But then I heard a smart artist named Ann Rea address this on a podcast. “Too bad,” she said. “You think your local dentist wants to market himself? He wants to be filling teeth. Same with your lawyer. She wants to be working on cases, not advertising herself. This is just what you have to do if you’re a professional.”*

Chastened, I decided to learn as much as I could about how a person can effectively market their own book without being too irritating (though I’ll let others be the judge of that last part).  Here’s some of what what I’ve learned.

1. Engage your Twitter contacts. I had a wonderful event at Trident Booksellers in Boston, as well as a feature in the Boston Globe, a review in the Globe and a Q&A on Boston.com. It all started with a single Twitter follower–a woman named Karyn Polewaczyk, who writes Boston.com’s dating blog. Before the book came out, I found Karyn on my follower list and asked if she wanted a review copy. She subsequently interviewed me for her blog, and then brought me to the attention of the Globe‘s features editor, who had the book reviewed and wrote the feature story. Karyn also introduced me to the terrific people at Trident Booksellers, where I did a Valentine’s Day reading.

I also found lots of other writers and editors following me on Twitter, who were very happy to receive a review copy. For example, the deputy editor of Cosmo follows me. After I sent her a review copy, she quickly asked if she could excerpt. The excerpt subsequently ran in many international editions of the magazine, which may have helped my publisher sell foreign-language rights to It’s Not You in six different countries (Germany, Japan, China, South Korea, Greece and Croatia).

2. Contact bookstores directly. I got readings at top independent bookstores in Los Angeles, Brooklyn and the Hudson River Valley just by calling or dropping a quick email to the events coordinator (though the Brooklyn store did need my publisher to contact them before they booked it). The only store that turned me down was the Barnes & Noble in Annapolis, Maryland (I’m guessing because the chains handle things differently, but don’t really know).

3. Develop a mailing list. This is advice I took from Tim Grahl, who runs a book marketing firm called Outthink and wrote a very helpful book called Your First 1000 Copies. He has a lot of big-deal clients like Charles Duhigg and Gretchen Rubin. I couldn’t afford to hire Grahl, but did read his book and take his free online course, which I found exceptionally helpful. One of Grahl’s key points is that Twitter and Facebook don’t sell books nearly as well as email lists because a) people see nearly all of their emails, but not tweets in their feed, and b) we own our email contacts; with Twitter and Facebook, if they decide to shut down or restrict our access we’re SOL.

To get people on your list, Grahl recommends offering free content to anyone who signs up for it–I created a free bonus chapter of my book, for example. Right now I have about 1,200 people on my list. Those aren’t earth-shattering numbers, but it is a very loyal and extremely helpful group of readers. For instance, a blogger named Beth O’Donnell replied to one of my newsletters and offered to throw me a book party in Philadelphia. She managed to get me on Good Day Philadelphia that morning, and we sold out of books at the event. Another reader, Singular City editor Kim Calvert, co-sponsored my LA reading and filled the room.

That was something interesting I learned about marketing–it’s less about “hey, look at me” (though let’s face it, there’s a lot of that) and more abut finding people who want to spread the word about your book. And while part of me would love to return to the old days when a writer could just write, I never would have met these lovely people if that were the case. It was also very satisfying to take an active role in getting the word out about my book, rather than playing the precious scribe who won’t sully herself with commerce.

From a sheer economic perspective, I do think this was worth the time. One year out, I’ve earned back my advance and my sales are steady.

Did I annoy people? Probably–maybe I’m doing it right now! But I’m sharing this because I know there are a lot of other writers and artists out there who are very confused about how to navigate this world of endless self-promotion. This is what I’ve learned so far. I’d love to know what has worked for others.

Best,

Sara

*This quote is entirely from memory so probably not accurate. But she was interviewed on a podcast called the The Good Life Project, so check it out. I also heard about Tim Grahl on a podcast called Blogcast FM, now The Unmistakable Creative, so that is a good source, too.

A Perfect New Year’s Eve Listen

If you’re having a quiet evening at home tonight, or anytime this weekend, Lea Thau’s Love Hurts series on Strangers is a perfect listen. I gushed about this series before, and quite frankly didn’t think I could love it more. But Lea just did a follow up and it’s frickin’ great.

Three New Year’s Resolutions to Skip

I’ve always loved New Year’s, because I love making lists. There’s so much promise in that sheet of resolutions to step up my career, become a vegetarian, or start doing Pilates. But the chipper “New Year, New You” mantra has a dark side: It suggests that something is wrong with the “old” you.

Single people are already deluged with information about how they can be better—more attractive, less needy, etc. New Year’s can present a double-whammy, encouraging you to believe that if you could only shed those ten pounds or become more optimistic, true love would be yours.

So along with those vows to go to the gym and read more books, it’s also useful to think about the parts of you that don’t need improvement. In that spirit, I’d like to suggest three New Year’s resolutions that most singles can skip.

1. Be More Positive

Nearly every dating guide on the market tells singles that if they want to be more attractive to others, they need to have a positive attitude. That sounds reasonable, but here’s the problem with the positivity pushers—no one with an IQ over 40 can take a sunny outlook all the time. And forcing yourself to “be positive” can actually have the opposite effect.

What happens when someone tells you not to think about pink elephants? Suddenly, pink elephants are foremost in your mind. The harder you try to banish those images, the more stubborn they become. Research has found that it’s the same for people who vow to only think happy thoughts—the brain works so hard to shut out the negativity that it may actually become more aware of it.

I’m not suggesting you start your next date with “Hey, how about that global warming?” But if someone asks you how you like your job, you don’t have to pretend it’s terrific if in fact it’s a complete headache. Of course, no one wants to hear an hour-long rant about someone else’s impossible boss, but in general most people prefer humble honesty to shiny lies.

2. Be Less Particular

Singles are constantly told that they’d find love in an instant if only they weren’t so darn picky. And while there certainly are single people who maintain unrealistic standards of beauty or wealth for their potential partners, most are just looking for someone cute who is fun to talk to. The fact that concepts like “attractive” and “interesting” are highly subjective leaves the single shamers ample room to write off anyone who declines a third date.

There’s a Buddhist saying I like: “Of the two witnesses, trust the principal one.” Meaning: “trust yourself.” You are the only person who has spent your entire life with you. You were there on your first day of kindergarten and the day you quit your last job. You were there for your first kiss, your first breakup and everything that happened in between.

While others may have firm opinions about whom you should date, you are the only true expert on this subject. Of course, it’s great to let people set you up or date outside your type. Just don’t let anyone talk you out of your own good instincts.

3. Raise Your Self-Esteem

People with high self-esteem consider themselves more likable than those with average or low self-regard. However, thinking highly of yourself doesn’t necessarily mean others will think well of you—in fact, a sky-high self-image could come across as arrogant or narcissistic.

Obviously, a positive sense of self-worth can be extremely beneficial. But if your goal this year is to find a nice relationship, looking into a mirror and reciting affirmations about how great you are probably isn’t the way to go. So instead of attempting to boost your self-confidence, try raising your self-compassion. That is, instead of trying to convince yourself that you’re the greatest, try accepting that you’re an ordinary and flawed person, and you’re still worthy of love.

What are your dating resolutions this year? And which ones are you skipping?

Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.

This post originally appeared on eHarmony.com.

New Year’s Eve: Are We There Yet?

Couples often like to say that their New Year’s Eve plans are really boring — a quiet dinner for two, a movie night with the kids. When you’re single, boring isn’t really an option. Especially if you’re looking for love, watching Netflix in your pajamas feels like a serious negation of the most critical single-person obligation: Getting out there.

Thus, the panic begins. Because where, exactly, is this “there” to which one must get out? In previous years you have tried:

— That party your friend’s friend’s cousin knew about. The one that took an hour and a half to get to, where the music was so loud you couldn’t hear a word anyone said, where you screwed up your courage and introduced yourself to that cute guy making mojitos in the kitchen who immediately informed you, “I’m with Kaley.”

— The “fixed price” dinner. This initially seemed like a great idea. Why not splurge on some great food and champagne with a big group of people you went to college with or met in spinning class or whatever? But then Jeremy and Alyson each got the lobster add-on, and Jenna and Tom decided to do the champagne tasting menu. When the bill came, Trina (who had the lobster and the tasting) said, “Let’s just split it.”

— Your parents’ house. OK, this time you knew you definitely were not “there.” But you flew across the country to see your family for the holidays and you don’t have to be at work until Jan. 5. Staying for New Year’s made good sense. Until you found yourself on Dec. 31 playing Trivial Pursuit with Mom and Dad and their friends and asking yourself how is it possible that this is my life?

New Year’s Eve can really screw with your head. Because whatever you end up doing on New Year’s, there is often this sinking feeling that really you should be doing something else. That your true life — the one that involves sipping great champagne, wearing an excellent dress and cracking wise with a bevy of smart, sexy singles — is out there. You, unfortunately, are not.

But here’s the funny thing about New Year’s: Whatever you do, you remember it. I have snapshots in my brain of nearly every Dec. 31. I remember huddling with my best friend as we tried to hail a cab on an icy Manhattan street. I remember playing celebrity with people I’d never seen before or would again. I remember drinking tea in my tiny studio apartment reading Lorrie Moore’s Like Life while the snow fell outside. I remember being at a lovely cocktail party and looking out the window to a woman in an adjacent apartment; she was sitting at her desk, absorbed in her writing, occasionally pausing to sip from a glass of champagne.

When I look back on these experiences, I realize it doesn’t matter so much whether or not I had a good or a bad time that night. Somehow, all of these memories make me happy, simply because they’re my life. They make me see that, so far anyway, my life has been full and rich and weird and wonderful. The only thing that kept me from enjoying my New Year’s Eve was the stupid idea that I should be doing something else.

Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.

Great news about my two Modern Love essays

I’m having a very nice morning.

The New York Times just published a list of the 10 Most Popular Modern Loves of All Time and my first Modern Love, Sometimes It’s Not You — Or The Math, is Number 6!

The Times has also posted a list of The Styles Sections Most Popular Articles of the Year, and my second Modern Love, The Hard-Won Lessons of the Solitary Years. Is on that list, too!

So I’m feeling kind of groovy.

I’m also really happy to see that Daniel Jones, the Modern Love editor, made both lists too for his terrific essay Good Enough? That’s Great.

This year Dan published a really smart and insightful book about his ten years as the Modern Love editor called Love Illuminated: Exploring Life’s Most Mystifying Subject (with the Help of 50,000 Strangers). The book is funny, wise and very kind. Although Dan claims to not be an expert, he clearly knows much more about love than most of the so-called experts telling us that we need to change and shape-shift in order to find love. So if you liked my book, check out Love Illuminated!

Oh, and if you are new to this page and like my essays, there’s a lot more in my book It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single.

Happy Saturday!

Alone For the Holidays

“I am 30 years old, and I’ve spent every holiday as
 a single person. Being single is difficult anytime, but it feels worse 
during the holidays. All of my friends are married with children, so it’s 
difficult to socialize with them in general, because people usually spend
 more time with their partners and children. It gets worse during the
 holidays, because holidays are about family. I also don’t have a family,
 so I’m alone. I always get invited to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas
 with my friends and their families. I did that once, and I didn’t want to
 do it again, because you see people with their families and then go home alone.
 It’s almost like it enhances the fact that I’m single. Once New Year’s is over, I feel
 much better and look forward to having a productive year.” — Tiffany

Dear Tiffany,

If American culture tends to make single people feel bad, Christmas is America on steroids. Yes, many people work hard to remind us of the “reason for the season.” We get holiday cards that proclaim the importance of peace on earth and goodwill toward men. We’re encouraged to give to the needy. And if we flip on the TV at the right time, we might get to see Charlie Brown and the Grinch discover what Christmas is all about.

But if the birth of a child, and the subsequent message to be peaceful and kind, was truly what the holidays were about, then they wouldn’t make so many people feel terrible.

The images blasting into our homes every December aren’t of people mopping floors at homeless shelters or visiting nursing homes. We don’t see people deciding to skip the shopping, make a quick online payment to a charity and then curl up with hot cocoa and a library book. Instead, we see high-gloss, 21st-century iterations of Norman Rockwell-style sentimentality: Friends and family members coming in from the cold carrying towering boxes of gifts. Wide-eyed toddlers in footed pajamas. Handsome husbands giving beaming wives diamond pendants. Couples having snowball fights.

Advertisers aren’t the only ones peddling gauzy images of holiday happiness—social media now enables us to market our lifestyles to each other.

It all adds up to a single message: Everyone is having a wonderful time, except you. Intellectually we understand this isn’t true—we know the goal of holiday advertising is not to promote peace on earth. But these images don’t hit us in the logical part of our brain; they strike a much deeper place than that.

So here’s my suggestion: If your life does not resemble a department store ad this year, own it. Ditch those pre-packaged ideas of how you’re supposed to feel. I don’t mean blab to all your friends about how much you loooove spending the holidays alone. I’m suggesting you make a conscious choice to drop out of the holiday happiness arms race. Watch movies. Get caught up on stuff. If you feel sad and lonely, that’s okay. As you note in your letter, it will pass.

You could even take it a step further by turning this dilemma into an interesting philosophical question. Ask yourself: “How can I connect with the true spirit of the holidays?” You know, the part that Linus tells Charlie Brown about. That could mean spending the day in some sort of service project – serving Christmas dinner to the homeless, joining the Audubon Society’s annual Christmas Bird Count—but it doesn’t have to. It could also mean spending this time reflecting on how you would like to promote peace on earth and goodwill towards all. These are more than just greeting card concepts; they’re important. Click on the news any day, and that much is clear.

The world is in a tough place right now, and many people are suffering. You may be suffering too, and while what you are dealing with is difficult, I think there’s also an opportunity there. You have a chance to experience the holidays stripped of the consumption and the glitz. It might not be fun, but it could be interesting. Yours, Sara

How do you experience the holidays as a single person? Please let me know.

Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.

This post first appeared on eHarmony.com.

How do you navigate dating during the holidays?

Dating during the holidays can be tricky. How long should you date before you exchange gifts? When is the appropriate time to invite a new boyfriend or girlfriend to your family’s house or as your date to the office holiday party? I’d like to hear from people who have started new relationship during or just before the holidays. How did you manage these questions? How did it go? Did you freak the other person out by inviting them to your parents too soon? Or insult them by not bringing the home, to the office party, etc.? What did you learn from the experience? Please get in touch if you have any thoughts.

Single on Thanksgiving: Quick Answers to Your Relatives’ Most Annoying Questions

The questions arise when you’re passing the potatoes or putting out the nut cups. Are you seeing anyone special? Playing the field? When are you going to settle down?

Singles are often grilled about their personal lives in a way their married relations rarely are. When was the last time your sister and brother-in-law were asked to defend their “married lifestyle” to a table of twelve?

Most of the time, the inquisitors don’t mean to make their single relations uncomfortable. They’re just curious, and maybe a little concerned. But they can still drive even the most self-possessed singleton to the cocktail cart. So here are a few conversational exit strategies to some of the holiday’s most irritating questions.

What They Say: “Why are you single?”

What They Mean: “You’re a very appealing person, so clearly this is a choice you’ve made.”

What You Hear: “What’s wrong with you?”

How to Respond: “I don’t know.”

This might sound weird, but I find it’s the easiest answer. Otherwise, you’re likely to start dissecting all of your psychological eccentricities, musing about whether you’re too picky or too independent, slowly shredding your dignity like a cocktail napkin. “I don’t know” stops the conversation.

What They Say: “Are you seeing anyone special?”

What They Mean: “I’m curious about your life.”

What You Hear: “Prove that you’re not a lost cause.”

How to Respond: “Not at the moment.”

Again, short and light is key. The temptation might be to give a passionate speech about how amazing your solo life is and assure your curious relative that you’re too busy with work and friends to even think about dating. That’s fine if it’s true, but oftentimes we give the “too busy” speech as a hedge against pity, bending over backwards to assure family members that our lives are deeply fulfilling, non-stop fun or both. That’s too much work, and it can also send the wrong message. Who knows? Your cousin might have a cute neighbor or co-worker she wants to introduce you to. “Not at the moment” leaves you open, but also assures your relatives that you’re not worried about your romantic future, so they shouldn’t be either.

What They Say: “Aren’t you afraid you’ll spend the rest of your life alone?”

What They Mean: “Because the idea scares the crap out of me.”

What You Hear: “I’m looking into your future, and I see a cranky hoarder with 35 cats.”

How To Respond: “I’d be more worried about spending the rest of my life with the wrong person.”

Being alone is a big fear for a lot of people, which is why many choose to settle for mediocre relationships. You may not always love being alone, but if you have been on your own for a while then clearly you’re not afraid of it. This is not necessarily true for the person passing you the cranberry sauce.

But again, be gentle and avoid righteous speeches, since they rarely take dinner table talk to a good place. And remember, there is one guaranteed way to change the subject: Stop answering so many questions about your life, and start asking others questions about theirs.

Sara Eckel is the author of  It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.

This post was originally published on eHarmony.com.

Q&A: ‘Where Did All My Friends Go?’

Dear Sara:  One thing I really miss about being in a relationship is the immediate and intense community it has always brought me. When I’m part of a couple, I am constantly invited to dine with other couples, double date, hang out and get to know my partner’s friends. When I’m single, I get about 50% fewer invites. 

There seem to be so many couples-only dinners, events and nights out, and I really don’t have any single girlfriends left. Even if they’re not married, they’re engaged or in a serious thing. And while they can certainly sneak away from time to time for a girl’s night, I’m left out of a substantial majority of activities simply because of my singleness.

It was fine in my twenties because some of my friends were single too. Now, I can’t think of one. I long for community and I feel like it’s missing from my life, like it’s been ebbing away quietly as more and more friends paired off.

The other side of the coin is that when I do get invited, I often end up feeling like the third (or fifth) wheel. There’s something soul-crushing about watching everyone in the room be very loved and then going home alone. Again.

Do you have any advice for building community solo? – G

Dear G: You have struck on one of the toughest parts of being single: maintaining a healthy social life, especially when you’re constantly losing people to romantic partners. So I’ll share the best piece of advice I ever received on the subject: entertain.

Instead of waiting for an invitation or feeling like the sole spinster in a group of cozy couples, make yourself the social center.

Many years ago, I was struggling with the same thing you are now. So I started hosting dinner parties, inviting about six or seven women to my apartment for lasagna or Chicken Marbella on the occasional Saturday night. This did a number of things. First, it pre-empted the “Saturday’s bad. What about Tuesday?” conversation. Can’t tear yourself away from your boyfriend on a weekend night? Then I guess you’ll miss the party.

Second, it gave me a low-pressure way to reach out to acquaintances—neighbors, women I met at parties, etc. During that time, I was taking a lot of classes and doing various volunteer projects. I’d meet some nice people, and sometimes we’d say ‘let’s have coffee sometime’ and then we wouldn’t. But when I invited them to a party, they very frequently showed. And if they didn’t, no stress—all I’d lost was the two seconds it took to add their name to an email list.

Third, it gave my friends, new and old, a chance to know each other, which is really the foundation of a community. Someone mentions that she’s always wanted to go white water rafting and another person says she knows a great place to do it; pretty soon you’ve got a group outing.

And that leads to my final point: Entertaining leads to reciprocity. Once I started throwing parties, both intimate dinners and the kind that require purchasing large quantities of salty snacks, I noticed that my inbox started filling with more invitations to not just parties but bowling nights, pub crawls, and weekend hikes.

Now, I’m aware that not everyone lives in the kind of home that is conducive to dinner parties or beer bashes. I’m aware of this because when I first got the advice to entertain I was living in a studio apartment that was slightly larger than a pool table. So before I could move to a more party-friendly apartment (and, yes, I made this a priority), I wasn’t able to entertain people at my home. So I did the next best thing: I organized. I’d find a bar that was lively but didn’t get too crowded and send an email. “Hey everyone, we’re all getting together at X Bar two weeks from Friday. Hope you can make it!”

If bars aren’t your thing, of course this can be done with anything—spa days, exercise classes, poetry readings. Many people get so busy during the week that by the time Friday rolls around they just hit speed dial on the takeout Thai place and start scanning Netflix. If you can find something cool for everyone to do, a lot of people will be glad to have you do their thinking for them.

Now, if your friends are committed to a boring couples-only lifestyle, there’s not much you can do about that. But that’s all the more incentive to find some fun people. That can be hard, but when you commit to being the inviter, rather than the invitee, an interesting shift starts to happen. You stop asking yourself “How can I be less lonely?” and start asking “How can I make others less lonely?” In my experience, addressing the second question is a lot less stressful and a lot more fun. Best, Sara

Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her onTwitter and Facebook

This post first appeared on eHarmony.com.

Calling all twentysomething women, especially Latina women

I’m writing a short article for Cosmo for Latinas about how to make friends. And I’m seeking young woman who can tell me how they successfully befriended women they met in the following places: 1) Work, especially someone who works in your building but in a different department 2) Salsa class 3) Community service project 4) Cafe: You’re both there with your laptops. How did you make the first move? 5) Hair or nail salon 6) Online: You have mutual friends on FB, you always comment on each other’s Instagram pics or Twitter shout-outs. How did you connect in real life? 7) Gym or yoga class.

You can contact me though my contact page or write to saraeckel@gmail.com. Please pass along to anyone you think might be interested!