Sara Eckel's Blog, page 2

‘Should I Settle?’

Dear Sara: I am a 38-year-old unemployed lady wishing to settle down with a guy who has okay financial strength and is intellectually enough for me and spiritually high. After lots of efforts, I could not get what I wanted. Then one guy of 33 years came in my life as a Facebook friend. He doesn’t like me at all and misbehaves with me all the time, but I have developed love, affection, and caring feelings for the guy. Do you think I should go to meet him, as we have not met so far? He is unwilling to meet me and shouts at me when I call and always ignores me. My brother says he is not compatible with me and I have to take lots of pain to adjust to him and his family. Do you think I should close this chapter or take a chance by meeting him? I would not have ever thought of marriage with this younger guy, but I am not able to find my kind of person after lot of efforts. Please help me. — S

Dear S: You have told me this man doesn’t like you, doesn’t treat you well and has refused to meet you in person. Yet, you say you feel love and affection for him. So to answer the first question: No, I don’t think you should meet him or try to win him over in any way. He has made very clear that he would be a terrible partner for you, so please take him at his word.

About those feelings you have for him:

They might seem significant, like something you should pay attention to. But if you haven’t even met him, then they are simply feelings you have about an idea of him. They aren’t really about him; they’re about your desire to have a partner, any partner. You have decided that a man who treats you terribly is worthy of your love. Even if this man does you the kindness of never meeting you, you’re clearly very vulnerable to being mistreated by others.

So I’m urging you to raise your standards. I know it can be very, very hard to find a partner, but settling for someone who treats you badly is not the answer. Please say this to yourself every day: “The man I’m with must treat me with kindness and respect.” Even if you don’t really believe it or identify with it, just say it to yourself. Write it in your journal. Say it aloud when you have your morning coffee. The words might not have a lot of meaning at first, but by repeating them will help set a standard, giving you an important reminder to stay away from the next scoundrel.

I’d also suggest raising your standards for how you are treated in general, not just in romantic relationships. Practice in small ways. If someone tries to cut ahead of you in line, politely say, “Excuse me, I was here first.” If someone says something mean or dismissive to you, give them a confused look and walk away. You don’t have to fight or argue. Just practice walking away from anyone who tries to put you down. See what it feels like to stand up for yourself. Feel what it’s like to quietly gain that strength.

Part of that process is rejecting the negative ideas that others are projecting onto you. Your brother, for example, seems to think that despite the fact that you and this man are not compatible, you should bend to his will. If that is his attitude, I think you should stop asking for his advice. If he gives it anyway, just thank him for his input and do what you want.

Seek out people who will offer you the kindness and respect you deserve. If you can afford it, I would suggest finding a therapist. If not, consider finding a support group through a local church or organization—with a quick Google I found an anxiety and depression association and a mental health association that have tools for finding groups in your area. Joining a church, community association or volunteer organization could also help. You want to surround yourself with kind, compassionate people. They will see you more accurately than you (or your brother) do. They will see someone who is worthy of love, regardless of your age or employment status.

Bringing helpful, caring people into your life can also help you with the other challenge you’re facing—the difficulties of finding a partner. I know that it can be very hard to find the right person, and frustrating to make so much effort with no result. But surrounding yourself with good people will help ease some of that loneliness and help you build a life that you’re comfortable with, with or without a partner. The point is not that you’re giving up on finding someone—you can still look, but again just with higher standards. Ask yourself, “What do I need to do to create a good life for myself, with or without a partner? How can I improve the quality of my life right now?” That might mean looking for a job, getting in touch with a good friend or reading a helpful book like Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion.

Bottom line: You deserve better, and even if you can’t completely believe that right now, see what it’s like to act that way. You might surprise yourself.

Thanks,

Sara

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her questions here.

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Do Men Want Love, or Just Sex?

Dear Sara: I am a 40-year-old woman who is healthy, happy, and open to life. I am single currently and have not had a real relationship for almost 15 years. The two big relationships I had when I was younger died, and when I look back I think one of the major factors was my desire to not have sex.

I was 25 and grew up in a regular middle-class Indian family, liberal and progressive in most aspects. However, I was also raised Catholic and studying in a convent-educated school may have led me believe that sex was taboo/bad/off-limits till marriage.

Anyway, I believe I have a healthy appetite and have been attracted to many men over the course of my life. However, somewhere in my head I have the idea that men are not looking for love, but sex—i.e. no matter how loving, beautiful, funny, smart the woman is, all they are thinking of is how she will be/perform in bed. And that thought puts me off men.

I struggle to make sense of where and how I developed this thinking—it may be because of the pressure to have sex in my second serious relationship, and also from my numerous conversations with 35- to 45-year-old married guy friends who always seem to be fantasizing over someone other than their wife, who also say that there is no sex in their marriage.

I used to believe in love, and finding a soulmate, and the ethereal feeling that you were destined to be with someone, that you glow and are your best self with this person. But I increasingly feel that is a fantasy, and that reality is very different, that men don’t long for this kind of love at all, and that they just want to be excited and entertained in bed.

I am constantly looking for examples around me to dispel this thought. I know deep down in my heart that not all men are like this but I find it very hard to believe that on most days. –R

Dear R: Yes, most men think sex is very important in a relationship—most women do, too. If you weren’t interested in having sex in your previous relationships then it’s not surprising that that would be an issue.

So I just want to make that distinction. A man can place a high priority on sex, and want to be in a loving, committed relationship. You can have both things, and I think most people want both things. Sure, many men talk a good game about wanting the James Bond lifestyle, and there is a popular notion that women drag men to the altar against their wishes. But I don’t buy it. If men didn’t want to marry, they wouldn’t. If men didn’t want to be in committed, long-term relationships, there would be a lot fewer committed long-term relationships out there.

But the truth is, most men do marry. The numbers may be lower than previous generations, but it’s still something that the wide majority of Americans do at some point in their lives. And contrary to well-cultivated stereotypes about married men and bachelors, studies have found that marriage makes men healthier and happier.

I’m not saying married men don’t look around, or get tempted, or complain to their attractive single female friends about the sexlessness of their marriages. I’m not saying people don’t cheat—obviously, that happens. There are a million ways, large and small, that spouses betray each other.

I’m saying that’s not necessarily the whole story. If a married male friend complains to you in a flirty way about his sex life, then he is not being very nice to his wife. But there may be a lot of other things he’s not telling you about—like the time he filled the tank of her car with gas and checked the air pressure on her tires before she took a long road trip, or the way he always makes sure the DVR is set to record her favorite shows.

Nobody makes movies about the small acts of care that go on in couples. Most people don’t talk about it at all. But I think they’re at the heart of any functioning relationship, and they occur even between spouses who get bored or annoyed with one another. Just because your guy friends are complaining about their marriages, doesn’t mean they don’t love their wives. Both things can be true at once.

So why do you instinctively feel that men only want sex? It could be that you’ve had some bad luck with men—there certainly are cads and commitment-phobes, and if you’ve had relationships with one or two it’s understandable that they would color your view of all men.

But I’m guessing our culture has also played a role. Women are repeatedly told than men only value them for their bodies, for sex. It’s an insult to both men and women, and it’s part of a toxic mixed message. Women are supposed to be sexy, but we’re not supposed to like sex unless the circumstances are perfect. Unless the guy is madly in love with you, unless he’s John-Cusack-in-Say-Anything gaga, then any desire you feel is suspect—comically sad, or worse.

So if you have a lot of confused and conflicted feelings about sex—welcome to the club. My suggestion is to take some time to reflect on why you view sex and love as being in opposition to one another. Worry less about how the guy feels and think about how you feel. Do you judge yourself when you feel desire or attraction? Do you start to feel a panic that that he’s going to hurt you, that he’ll seduce you and then disappear? Just take that time to notice what you’re feeling without judgment; close your eyes and allow yourself to feel that vulnerability or whatever other uncomfortable emotions arise. Meditation is a good way to work with this stuff, or if that’s not your thing I think a book called The Happiness Trap has some helpful tools to work with this.

Getting in touch with your own feelings won’t necessarily prevent you from getting conned by a smooth-talker. If that happens, it will still hurt. But the pain won’t be as severe if you don’t judge yourself for getting hoodwinked, if you can simply put the blame where it belongs—with the person who misrepresented himself. If this is hard to do, ask yourself how you would respond to a good friend who was in this situation, and then treat yourself accordingly.

And when you do become intimate with someone, see what it’s like to drop all that worry (“Is he sincere?” “Is he really into me?”) and enjoy yourself.

Yours,

Sara

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her questions here.

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‘I’m the Last Single One Standing!’

Dear Sara: It happened: The last “single” girl in my friend group got engaged tonight. She and her fiancé had been together for more than two years and live together, so I was expecting it. The other couples in the group all got engaged within the past year (including one ex, for whom I long had unrequited feelings). But now I am truly the only single one left — and do I ever feel like I don’t fit in. I am not dating at the moment — I tried last winter, met a few duds, and decided to take a break since I wasn’t feeling open to it. I would like to be, but I’m just not. Plus, although all of these engaged girls are eager to hear my dating stories, they’ve mostly forgotten how hard it is to be “out there”–or they never really struggled with the dating scene to begin with. I am sad, and I am lonely, and I am tired of first dates. I’d love to be planning my own wedding, but that just makes me sound marriage-obsessed! — E

Dear E: I don’t think you’re marriage-obsessed. I think you’re a human being who wants to spend time with other people who understand you. So that puts you in a pool of about 99 percent of us, I’m guessing.

It’s completely normal that you would like to be in the same life situation as all your friends—planning a wedding with a nice partner. But since you’re in a different situation, I suggest you find some friends who are also single.

You don’t have to ditch your married and engaged pals, of course, but I’m guessing they don’t have the same kind of time for you that they did before, anyway. They will probably be hard to book on a Saturday night, and they likely won’t be interested in finding a place to hang out where you might possibly meet some date-worthy prospects.

So you need to find some friends whose lives more closely resemble yours. You need people who will empathize with all your complaints because they’re going through it, too. And when you find these people, then you will no longer be the “last one standing.” You won’t be labeling yourself that way anymore.

I know making new friends can be challenging when you’re an adult, but I’m wondering if focusing on finding female friends, rather than a boyfriend, might make it easier. You’d still be opening up and expanding your world — doing the things people say to do (classes, volunteer work, etc.), but I think it would be less fraught. When I was single, I remember being disappointed when I’d show up to a party or event and there wasn’t anyone in the group I was interested in dating (“What a waste!”). But then I often did make nice friends, and through them I would get invited to other things, and sometimes met guys that way.

And even when I didn’t, so what? The vast majority of men I’ve dated are long gone, but I’ve still got the friends.

Thanks,

Sara

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her questions here.

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‘I’m Afraid To Get Hurt Again’

Dear Sara: I am scared of dating or trusting a guy again because the last relationship I had almost destroyed me. He broke my heart into pieces. I had never fallen in love like this before. I gave him everything. I almost forgot to leave anything for myself. Now I am scared that if I am going to go back and date again I’m going to get hurt and heartbroken again. I feel like all men are just the same. I don’t trust all men. My ex destroyed all my hopes that someone will love me for who I am and not just use me. Now I don’t know if I can be a good girlfriend. I am scared to try again and take a risk, especially since I have kids and I don’t want to see my kids get hurt by someone they love. – K

Dear K: There is nothing wrong with being afraid to fall in love again—everyone feels that way sometimes. So fear itself is not the problem—it’s just a feeling and it actually won’t hurt you. The problem comes when you allow fear to limit your ability to move forward. That’s why I’m very fond of a quote by Susan Jeffers: “Feel the fear and do it anyway.”

You say that your relationship almost destroyed you, but the key point is … it didn’t. You’re still here. And while you may feel extremely wounded and vulnerable, you did in fact live. Your heart is still beating. You’re still breathing air. This might sound like a silly thing to point out, but we forget that a lot. We behave as if heartbreak will kill or maim us, but when you get right down to it, all it does is make you feel very, very bad. The pain can feel intolerable at times but still … you did in fact get through it.

Naturally, you want avoid repeating that experience—of course you do! But as you have noticed, this comes with the territory. If you want to fall in love, you’re going to have to risk being hurt. I don’t think there is any way around it. So here is my suggestion: Train yourself to relax in discomfort. Start small. You’re waiting in a long line, but instead of taking your phone out to entertain yourself, allow yourself to feel the boredom and frustration of having to wait. Or say you have to give a speech or have a confrontation with a boss or relative and you’re nervous. Before you go in, take a minute and allow yourself to feel whatever is happening physically in your body—just allow yourself to feel and have compassion for your nervousness. Just feel it without judgment.

If you’re on a date or talking to someone you’re interested in, allow yourself to feel that anxiety or fear. Notice that the feeling is happening and remind yourself that even though it isn’t pleasant, it actually won’t kill you. You know that for a fact, because you’ve had those feelings before. There are many people who have written more eloquently on this topic than I have, and I have gathered some of my favorite resources if you’d like to explore this further.

One final note: This is difficult work if you take it seriously, but it can be enormously fruitful. However, I do think your instinct to avoid disappointing your children again is a good one. I would avoid introducing a new boyfriend to your kids until you have some kind of commitment from him. Only you can know when the right time is, but I would set the bar pretty high. Putting your own feelings on the line is, unfortunately, part of being in adult relationships, but I think it’s a good idea to shield children from this risk for as long as possible. That said, if a future boyfriend proves unworthy of your trust in this regard, forgive yourself. Heartbreak is part of life, and we can do our best to protect our children from it, but its something that everyone has to deal with eventually.

Yours,

Sara

 

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her questions here.

 

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‘He Heard From His Ex. Now We’re Both Confused.’

Dear Sara: I started dating someone in the beginning of November. Everything was going great, [until] he called to tell me he heard from an ex. [He said it] messed with his head, that possibly down the line we could open back up communication again. I have been continually hurt by men, and I started dating him because he was the opposite of what I normally go for and he made me laugh. After his comment about possibly texting one day, I just hung up, later sending a message that I was blindsided …

From what I understood, he is getting back with the ex who has hurt him, and if it doesn’t work out he will call me. However I also wanted to know if he just needed time to be on his own and get his mind right. I’m trying to be okay, but this was a blow. Any advice? – C

Dear C: Oh gosh, that is a blow. It’s so disappointing to have a relationship that feels so right, only to get blindsided like that.

My only advice is to not take it personally. It can take people a very very long time to get over exes, especially if the ex keeps trying to pull them back. It does mess with people’s heads. So he’s not in a place to be in a relationship with you right now, and in a way it’s good that he knows this.

There’s no way to really know what’s going on with him—if he’s going to come back, or if you’ll even want to take him back. So let him deal with his stuff and in the meantime be kind to yourself. What you’re going through is very, very hard and it’s okay to allow yourself to feel bad for a while.

But don’t feel bad for feeling bad. You’re in a period of grief—you’re grieving the loss of this relationship, and you’re grieving the hope and happiness it brought you. So if you want to spend some time eating ice cream and watching sad movies, do it. If you start to criticize yourself for feeling sad, just remind yourself, “I feel sad right now. That’s okay. Everyone feels sad sometimes. This is hard, but it will pass.”

We often think that suppressing or denying emotions will make them go away, but it’s not true. When you allow the sadness to simply exist, rather than tighten around it, it tends to move through you more quickly. This isn’t wallowing—it’s simply being patient with your experience.

Being kind to yourself doesn’t just mean indulging in TV and snacks. It also means taking care of yourself: exercising, eating well, etc. Treat yourself to a delicious meal. Get a spa treatment. Take a yoga or zumba class—whatever you know will make you feel better physically. Physical pain and emotional pain are essentially the same thing, so if you take care of yourself physically you’ll also feel better mentally.

If you can do that, you might start to think about whether or not you actually want him back. Yes, you had a good time together, and yes people are entitled to question their relationships. But it does sound like he treated you quite carelessly. By treating yourself with kindness and compassion, you might realize you’d prefer to hold out for a man who will do that, too.

Yours,

Sara

 

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her questions here.

 

 

 

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‘I’m Afraid to Get Back Out There’

Dear Sara: I have been divorced for a little over 6 years now. My daughter wants me to start dating again, which I’m very fearful of doing. I have had a few relationships since my divorce, but the last relationship left me broken and fearful of ever getting back out in the dating world again.

My relationship with this guy was on-again off-again. I fell pretty hard for him, and to be honest it was a horrible relationship. I was alienated from my family and friends, which you could say I allowed to happen only because I was so deeply in love that I couldn’t see past him.

Over the course of three years, I became someone I didn’t recognize anymore. When I finally had the courage to leave him for good (without going back to him), I wasn’t the person I used to be. I had become so self-conscious of my body. I didn’t like what I saw when I looked in the mirror anymore. Now when I look at myself all I can see is all the things that are WRONG with me (that I believe are wrong) and wonder who would ever want someone who looks like this?

The guy had never laid a hand on me in a harmful way, but mentally you could say I was definitely abused. Now, all I feel when I think of my body is shame and disgust, that I will never be good enough for any man. I’m always telling myself no man would ever want to see me naked when I don’t even like looking at my own body. It’s not just about my body. I don’t believe I’m pretty enough for a guy to want to date me. To put it bluntly, my last relationship really screwed me up, and has me so scared to get back out and date again. My question is: How can I learn to date again, when I don’t believe there is a guy out there who is willing to truly love me and look past all my imperfections? I’ve had people tell me you have to love yourself first, and I understand that, but I just don’t think I can ever get past the way I see myself now to really love myself. Please help. — M

Dear M:  I’m so sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time now and, given your experience, it’s understandable that you would be reluctant to put yourself in a dating situation. But I do think there is a way to get past this, so here are my suggestions.

First, forgive yourself. You fell in love with someone who treated you badly. That sucks, but you know … a lot of us have done that. Who knows why we fall in love with people, especially the ones who are bad for us? It’s hard to look back on, but it’s an also an extremely common experience so don’t be too hard on yourself about it.

You said that after you got out of the relationship, you were no longer the person you used to be before you were in it. That’s true, but you’re also no longer the person you were WHILE you were in it. Unlike then, you’re now able to stand outside of that relationship and see that it was a mistake. That’s very important progress, so please honor it.

It sounds like he really did a number on you, and it may take some time to work through that stuff. Hopefully you have a good therapist, friend, clergy person or meditation instructor who can help you through that process. But even if you don’t, I think there is a lot you can do.

I’ve never been a fan of people telling people to “love themselves”—it seems phony and weird, like you’re supposed to look in the mirror and tell your reflection how magnificent you are. Instead, I would suggest the advice of psychologist Kristin Neff, author of a wonderful book called Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself.

The problem with trying to love yourself is that we usually equate that with thinking highly of yourself. “I’m beautiful!” “I’m special!”

Instead, try just being nice to yourself. Talk to yourself the way you would a good friend. For example, when you notice that your mind is playing the old tapes about how you’re not good enough, not attractive enough, etc., stop for a moment and take a breath. Remind yourself: Those are his words, and I don’t listen to him any more. I’m not perfect, but I’m a good person and I’m worthy of love.

Or something like that. You might want to talk to your daughter and other supportive people in your life about developing a script that resonates for you.

Those feelings of unworthiness won’t go away overnight. It will take time. But each time you catch yourself buying into that old narrative—each time you say to yourself, “Oh, there I go again, believing his story”—you’re changing your relationship with that story. You’re calling it out for the fiction that it is, and you’re giving yourself the chance to set the record straight.

Yours,

Sara

 

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her questions here.

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‘Should I Try to Get Him Back?’

Dear Sara: About a month ago, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me (I’m 30 and he is 31). It came as a heartbreaking surprise. I’ve been in several serious relationships, and this one seemed like a wonderful fit—loving, easy, drama-free. He took most of the steps to advance the relationship in the first year or so, and we had continued to deepen our bond since then.  

He couldn’t really give a satisfying explanation for ending things, and seemed confused himself. We were living in a temporary apartment together (he recently moved to my city after finishing grad school) and were about to get a more permanent place, but he said that [he] was having doubts about the city we live in, the job he has, or what kind of lifestyle he wants, and that he needed some time on his own (single) to figure things out—which I suppose means he had doubts about the relationship, too. He’s also going to start therapy to try to work through some of these issues.

Your writing has helped me to understand that our breakup doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me, and that looking for answers as to why it ended is probably futile (thank you!). I know I should probably wait to find someone who is truly excited to be my partner and have me as theirs. But I really love him and cherished our relationship, and I wonder if (after some time) I should ask him if he’d be open to trying again? Is there ever a time when it makes sense to “fight for it”? — H

Dear H: It might be true that your ex is just at a funny place in his life and will come back to you.

The problem is, I don’t think there is any way for you to know if that’s the case. More important, I don’t think there is much you can do to make that happen.

He has told you he needs time to sort things out, and that he needs to do that alone. So I don’t think there is any way for you to be part of that process.

But you can let him know the door is still open. I would do this in a very quiet way—liking something he posted on Facebook, or sending him a quick birthday message. You want to let him know that things are still friendly, that you aren’t holding a grudge. But you don’t want to put him on the spot. If he’s still working through all of this, he might not be ready to answer a direct question about trying again.

After that, I suggest doing what you can to move on. You’re still grieving this relationship, so it’s natural that at times you’re going to daydream and plot about getting back together. You don’t have to stop thinking about him cold turkey, but see if you can wean yourself off these thoughts. For example, if you find yourself fantasizing about your reunion, stop, take a breath and say to yourself “I’ll think about this later.” You can even set a time. “At 5 pm, after I’ve finished all my work, I’m going to think about him for fifteen minutes.”

The point is not to be perfect at this—if it’s 9 am, he’ll probably enter your brain a few more times before quitting time. The point is to give yourself some mental space—some HIM-free space—and to make that space a little bigger every day. I think this is very important because when you spend your days and nights pining for one person, it becomes very difficult to see anyone or anything else

Hope is a tricky thing. It feels good to hope, but a person can also get so drunk on wish-fulfillment fantasies that you lose touch with any other possibilities—I say this from personal experience. Bringing more mental space in your day won’t hurt your chances of getting back together with him, and frankly it probably won’t help them, either. But it will help you center yourself and gain more clarity about what your best next step is. That’s what he’s doing, and I think you should too.

Yours,

Sara

 

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her questions here.

 

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‘Should I Try to Get Him Back?

Dear Sara: About a month ago, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me (I’m 30 and he is 31). It came as a heartbreaking surprise. I’ve been in several serious relationships, and this one seemed like a wonderful fit—loving, easy, drama-free. He took most of the steps to advance the relationship in the first year or so, and we had continued to deepen our bond since then.  

He couldn’t really give a satisfying explanation for ending things, and seemed confused himself. We were living in a temporary apartment together (he recently moved to my city after finishing grad school) and were about to get a more permanent place, but he said that [he] was having doubts about the city we live in, the job he has, or what kind of lifestyle he wants, and that he needed some time on his own (single) to figure things out—which I suppose means he had doubts about the relationship, too. He’s also going to start therapy to try to work through some of these issues.

Your writing has helped me to understand that our breakup doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me, and that looking for answers as to why it ended is probably futile (thank you!). I know I should probably wait to find someone who is truly excited to be my partner and have me as theirs. But I really love him and cherished our relationship, and I wonder if (after some time) I should ask him if he’d be open to trying again? Is there ever a time when it makes sense to “fight for it”? — H

Dear H: It might be true that your ex is just at a funny place in his life and will come back to you.

The problem is, I don’t think there is any way for you to know if that’s the case. More important, I don’t think there is much you can do to make that happen.

He has told you he needs time to sort things out, and that he needs to do that alone. So I don’t think there is any way for you to be part of that process.

But you can let him know the door is still open. I would do this in a very quiet way—liking something he posted on Facebook, or sending him a quick birthday message. You want to let him know that things are still friendly, that you aren’t holding a grudge. But you don’t want to put him on the spot. If he’s still working through all of this, he might not be ready to answer a direct question about trying again.

After that, I suggest doing what you can to move on. You’re still grieving this relationship, so it’s natural that at times you’re going to daydream and plot about getting back together. You don’t have to stop thinking about him cold turkey, but see if you can wean yourself off these thoughts. For example, if you find yourself fantasizing about your reunion, stop, take a breath and say to yourself “I’ll think about this later.” You can even set a time. “At 5 pm, after I’ve finished all my work, I’m going to think about him for fifteen minutes.”

The point is not to be perfect at this—if it’s 9 am, he’ll probably enter your brain a few more times before quitting time. The point is to give yourself some mental space—some HIM-free space—and to make that space a little bigger every day. I think this is very important because when you spend your days and nights pining for one person, it becomes very difficult to see anyone or anything else

Hope is a tricky thing. It feels good to hope, but a person can also get so drunk on wish-fulfillment fantasies that you lose touch with any other possibilities—I say this from personal experience. Bringing more mental space in your day won’t hurt your chances of getting back together with him, and frankly it probably won’t help them, either. But it will help you center yourself and gain more clarity about what your best next step is. That’s what he’s doing, and I think you should too.

Yours,

Sara

 

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her questions here.

 

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‘How Do I Re-Enter the Dating World?’

Dear Sara: I just read your article about conquering the fear of rejection and continuing to put oneself out there. My question: How do I know whether my status is a stigma against putting myself ‘out there’? Why is a female widow viewed as unavailable?

I am a widow, and almost every [time] I get into a conversation with a man, I get asked the question, why haven’t I found someone yet? I try to carefully explain that it has taken me time to grieve and to accept going forward with my life after my husband of 29 years passed, but regardless of how politely and positively I explain my past, there is an awkwardness that creeps into the conversation that makes me feel like the man is pulling back, like there are red flags going off. Please advise your thoughts and opinions on how a widow restarts a journey towards a new relationship. — Thank you, P

Dear P: It’s puzzling that the men you’ve met so far want to know why you haven’t found someone yet. Obviously, you did find someone and you clearly were able to have a strong, lasting relationship with him. Far from working against you, it seems to me that should work for you.

My guess—and honestly, that’s all it is—is that these men are possibly threatened by your late husband’s memory. Most people who are in the dating realm are there because none of their past relationships led to lifelong love. That’s not true for you and your late husband: You two truly were “Till death do us part.”

That might be intimidating to some men. They might worry that they will always be compared unfavorably to your departed spouse.

So I think you were very wise to take time to grieve, and to explain that you have done so to the men you date. Of course, it’s important to let anyone new in your life know that you aren’t trying to replace your late husband, but you are ready to move forward.

But after that, any inadequacy a prospective suitor might feel is his problem.

Instead of seeing your situation as something that puts you at a disadvantage, or as a problem you somehow need to fix, I suggest you view it as a useful filtering device, one that can save you time and energy. If a man worries that your experience in a loving, nearly 30-year marriage has given you a standard or two, good. If he senses that the memory of your loving husband will prevent you from taking any of his nonsense, then let him take his nonsense elsewhere.

People assume rejection means there is something wrong with them. But very often, it means there is something right. Sometimes, the rejecter looks across the table and sees a person they can’t manipulate, intimidate or control. So they move on in search of someone more pliant.

The men put off by the time it took you to grieve are waving an even bigger red flag. You clearly deserve better than some guy who thinks the death of a beloved spouse is something to quickly get over.

So yes, I’m suggesting you continue to “get out there,” to meet the men who sound promising and give them the chance you’d like them to give you. If you meet a man who is freaked out by the prospect of dating a woman who already knows what it means to love someone deeply and well, then thank him for his time and move on.

I know this isn’t easy. Dating can be exhausting and disheartening sometimes. But it’s much easier if, instead of trying to fashion yourself into a person who will appeal to the masses, you stick with your authentic self and look for the guy who is man enough to appreciate that.

Yours, Sara

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her questions here.

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‘I Have No Relationship Experience’

Dear Sara: Growing up, I lived a very sheltered life: Most things were simply given to me, in return for a level of conformity that followed certain expectations. Throughout high school, I was essentially prohibited from being in a relationship (along with strict avoidance of drinking and partying—yeah, those were fun years) as I was led to believe that it would impede on my education and career prospects. I’m 24 now, about to finally graduate with a career in law enforcement just on the horizon, yet another reason why I abstained from a lot when I was younger.

In all that time, I have never been in a committed relationship with someone. I mean, I haven’t even made it to holding hands with a woman. There’s just this deeply ingrained apprehension that prevents me from being romantic, and as hard as I try to “put myself out there,” I feel like they get an easy read on my lack of confidence and inexperience. Now, don’t get me wrong, most of my friends are actually female, but that’s about as far as it ever gets. 

Many of my guy and girl friends tell me I’m not missing much, that anticipating finding love is simply setting myself up for disappointment. Most of them are bitter about their own bad experiences, and sometimes they do a pretty good job of convincing me to remain single.

Am I crazy? Now that I’m living by my own means, I’ve tried meeting people online, which has led to a few friendly coffee dates or concerts, but never more than that. Finding that spark of romance that goes beyond being good acquaintances (most of these girls just end up being my Facebook friends, ugh) seems so out of reach. I’ve had advice ranging from “be a jerk, have a few emotionless flings” to “keep being genuine, the right girl is out there!” All I want is a meaningful connection with someone special, who can see past the fact that I’ve got some serious catching up to do. Is there any hope?—Sincerely, C

Dear C: Here’s the good news about love: Nobody knows what they’re doing.

In our culture, we treat love like an achievement and often liken the search for love to a job hunt, one that requires a long and detailed resume to prove one’s “qualifications.”

But it’s not true. Your friends who are bitter from their bad experiences are on their own path. It’s not better or worse, just different. They have baggage–resentments, hurt feelings, disappointment—that makes them question whether a relationship is worth it at all.

You, on the other hand, are a clean slate. You might feel like you’re at a disadvantage because you’re “less experienced” than they are, but your letter indicates that you have a very firm grounding in what matters most.

You didn’t send me a laundry list about age, weight, education, family background. You want “a meaningful connection with someone special.” There is a lot of beauty and wisdom in that statement, so hold onto it. You might not find that person tomorrow or even next year, but if you maintain that core principle, it will steer you in the right direction.

I absolutely understand the “falling behind” feeling. I felt it throughout my twenties and thirties, when I was mostly single. I thought that I was missing out on important relationship experience, but after I married my husband I realized I had been gaining a different kind of experience. My long-term singleness helped me develop skills like independence, self-acceptance, patience, and the ability to offer love and kindness outside of a romantic relationship. Those skills have served me very well in my marriage.

Instead of worrying about your lack of experience, I suggest you make an effort to gain some in the area where you feel most insecure—letting woman know you’re romantically interested in them. The best way to overcome your fear of putting yourself out there is … to put yourself out there.

Psychologist Albert Ellis was once shy with women, and he dealt with it by asking a lot of women for dates. Did he get rejected—yes, quite a lot. But in the process he discovered something very important about rejection: It wasn’t that bad. The fear of rejection turned out to be worse than the rejection itself, and the more he put himself on the line, the easier it became (a story he recounts in a terrific book with a very long-winded title: How To Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything—Yes, Anything).

If making the first move is difficult for you, that’s an excellent reason to practice making the first move. If traversing that line from “just friends” to “more than friends” is hard, all the more reason to try.

Rejection will happen, and it will suck. But you won’t die. And each time you have that experience of not dying you’ll be a little bit stronger and more able to get up for the next round.

Yes, there will probably be women put off by your lack of experience. But the goal is not to convince every woman you like that she should date you, or to fashion yourself into the kind of man you think most women will want. It’s to find the woman who loves you as you are. Your letter indicates that you are thoughtful, responsible, honest, and a good friend. You’re not looking for a trophy—you’re looking for someone to love. From where I sit, that puts you pretty far ahead of the game.

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her questions here.

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