Sara Eckel's Blog, page 3

‘Nice Guys Make Me Want To Run’

Dear Sara: My therapist was telling me that there is a certain pattern in my relationships and that I should rather go for the nice guy to become happy with a man. She tells me that my loving feelings for a man are a sign of “active patterns.” She told me “take the nice guy and you´ll see that after a while you will feel some kind of ‘belonging together,’ and this is what real love is all about.”

If this is what real love is all about, I’d rather remain single! I already tried with nice guys twice in my life. I was rather running away than having feelings of “belonging together.” What do you think? — K

Dear K: I both agree and disagree with your therapist. On one hand, I’m absolutely in favor of choosing nice people to date. Because what’s the alternative: people who aren’t nice?

Unkind people often have attractive qualities. They might be really great looking, or funny, or adventurous. The good times make it easy to overlook the times when they treat you badly—when they neglect to call when they say they will, or when they vaguely dismiss you in front of their friends. In fact, that uncertainty can be an aphrodisiac. Because you’re never sure exactly where you stand, you feel on edge. That can feel upsetting, but also exciting—especially when they suddenly turn the charm back on and you get that rush of relief and happiness. It can feel like a drug. I say this from experience.

So your therapist suggests the “nice guy,” and assures you that you will grow to love him. Well, maybe. But maybe not. Niceness is an essential quality, but it’s not the ONLY quality. You still need to need to feel a connection—emotionally, intellectually, physically.

And that hasn’t happened for you yet. When you’re with a nice guy, you feel itchy and claustrophobic. Does that mean you have an issue where you’re unable to be with a good man, that you have an addiction to the rush that comes from dating the jerk who goes hot-and-cold?

It might. I think it’s worth examining why you want to bolt when you’re with a man who shows up on time and listens to what you have to say. Kindness and respect shouldn’t be a turn-off.

Then again, maybe you’re just not that into the particular nice guys you’ve been with. If you selected them for their niceness only, regardless of whether you have anything in common, it’s no surprise that dating them feels like eating a big plate of broccoli. You know it’s good for you, but you long for chocolate cake.

It doesn’t have to be one or the other. There are people who are cute and fun and treat others with kindness and respect. There are also plenty of people who are ugly and mean, in addition to being crashingly dull.

Bottom line: It’s hard to find the right match. Some people get lucky and meet that person without much effort, and some people aren’t very picky. But for many of us, the search can be long and frustrating. But not doomed. Just because you haven’t found the right fit yet doesn’t mean you won’t.

My suggestion: Get very clear on what you need in a relationship, and trust your instincts. There is nothing wrong with saying you need to feel physically attracted to your partner. There is nothing wrong with saying you want to enjoy talking to him. Frankly, I can’t imagine being in a relationship without good conversation and chemistry.

But I also can’t imagine being with someone who didn’t treat me well. Yes, in the past I’ve gotten sucked into relationships with not-so-nice guys, but these days nothing could sound more boring.

Yours, Sara

 

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her questions here.

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‘I’m Tired of Being Rejected’

Dear Sara: I am a 29-year-old single male with social awkwardness, and I’m depressed because I’m getting nowhere with women. I have met some women online, and I’m lucky to get a second date with just one of them. I take it personally, like it’s me, and have had a psychic tell me it’s because I have bad mantras so I therefore have had a doomed love life. I really want commitment, but want to know what I’m doing wrong. I don’t want any more rejection. I’m sick of being alone and depressed. Help me. — R

Dear R: First, please don’t listen to the words of a self-described psychic who tells you something so mean and disempowering. I can’t believe anyone who truly has spiritual depth or insight would say anything like that.

This psychic sounds like a fraud, and my guess is she perpetuates this particular kind of deception by reaffirming beliefs customers already have.

She saw that you felt bad about yourself, and offered up some hocus pocus to confirm it. That’s not insight; that’s exploitation.

But to your larger problem: You’re lonely, depressed, and having a hard time finding someone to have a committed relationship with. It may help to know there are many, many other people dealing with the exact same thing—I have received countless versions of this same letter. So you’re not alone in your situation.

Some people believe they’re better than others. In the news lately, there has been a lot of talk about narcissists—those braggers and preeners who are convinced they are “the greatest” and dismiss all information that suggests otherwise.

But a psychologist recently told me there is a flip side to this personality. Some people believe they are worse than others. They walk into a room and assume no one likes them. When they meet new people, they assume they will be judged poorly.

That attitude is just as unrealistic. The vast majority of us are not particularly great or terrible, we’re just … average. And that’s a good thing. We’re all fairly fragile souls who want to be loved and fear rejection. Your luck may have been worse than other people’s, but that doesn’t mean you’re fundamentally different from other people.

So here’s my suggestion: Instead of worrying about what other people think of you, focus instead on what they’re experiencing. This could be a date, but it doesn’t have to be. In fact, I’d suggest practicing in lower-stakes environments. Hold doors open for people. Give them your seat on the bus. Ask the cashier “How’s it going?” When you’re at work or with family, give others the gift of your attention—listen as they tell you about their weekends or grandchildren; let them vent about irritating coworkers and selfish relatives. People love being listened to, and one of the best ways to convince them that you’re full of depth and wisdom—and a great conversationalist—is to simply hear them out.

The point is not to be a doormat. It’s to shift your attention away from yourself and onto others. This does three things. One, it gives you something to think about other than yourself—why am I so lonely? why have I been rejected so much? etc. Two, it makes you more aware that the people around you—however together they may seem on the surface—have their own frailties and fears.  Finally, these small gestures of caring and compassion will give you some of the connection you’re seeking. Usually, you will find that the recipient expresses gratitude—a thank you, a smile, etc. So that’s nice. But even when they don’t, being the person who notices that somebody needs a chair or a hand with those packages will help you see yourself in a new light. Developing self-respect is actually quite simple: Behave in a way that you respect.

When you do go on another date, you will hopefully have flexed this muscle enough that all of this feels quite natural. Instead of worrying about what she thinks of you, think about what she’s feeling at that moment. She has left her home to meet a stranger, so she might feel a little nervous. She might be worried that she won’t come off as likable or attractive, that she’llbe rejected. What can you do to put her at ease?

Again, this doesn’t require any sort of emotional wizardry. Just ask her about her day, and listen to what she has to say. Pay attention to small details. Does she have a good place to hang her coat? Is she comfortable where she’s sitting, or is the kitchen door banging behind her? The point is not to obsess over this stuff or make a big deal out of any of it. The idea is to simply place your attention on her experience, rather than your own, and to show her that you’re a kind, considerate person who is interested in what she has to say.

For further reading on this topic, I highly recommend this essay by Paul Ford. Sakyong Mipham’s Ruling Your World also has tremendous insights on how shifting your focus to others can bring confidence and contentment. And for coping with loneliness and isolation, Pema Chodron’s The Wisdom of No Escape and When Things Fall Apart are truly transformative books—or they were for me anyway!

Yours,

Sara

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her a question here.

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Hey, Let’s Save Democracy: A Plea

Single people often get the message, either directly or indirectly, that their lives are somehow less substantial or more selfish than other people’s. When I was single, this used to bug me, but at a certain point I decided that, rather than arguing, I’d just make sure they were wrong. If I dedicated myself to causes larger than myself, then other people could dismiss me all they liked. I would know the truth.

So I started volunteering. And one of the most fulfilling experiences I ever had happened twelve years ago this weekend, when my friend Caitlin and I got on a bus in New York City and headed to Cleveland, Ohio, for a four-day weekend of knocking on doors and trying to encourage our fellow Democrats to head to the polls and vote George W. Bush out of office.

I dreaded the idea of pressing those doorbells and bothering people in their homes, but I had read that Get Out The Vote Drives are very effective–if someone tells you they’re going to vote, the research finds they’re significantly more likely to do it. Elections are determined by turnout–who shows up to the polls, who stays at home. So I figured I’d suck it up.

To my great surprise, I loved it. Yes, Caitlin and I encountered many people who were annoyed, who shut doors in our faces or refused to come at all, even though we could hear the TV in the background. But more often, we met really nice people, raking leaves or washing their cars, saying hell yeah we’re going to vote. We met elderly people who said they weren’t voting because they couldn’t get to the polls, so we’d arrange rides for them. We talked to undecided voters, listening to their concerns and having real conversations that were nothing like the blather on TV. At night, we hung out at the Cleveland Days Inn with other election volunteers. It was a blast. We actually got to participate in democracy, rather than just watch a bunch of talking heads yammer about poll numbers.

Of course, we were devastated when our candidate didn’t win. But we were also grateful for the experience, and it made lifelong election volunteers out of both of us.

I won’t pretend to be objective here. I am terrified at the thought of a Donald Trump presidency, and it’s my strong hunch than anyone who follows this blog probably feels the same way. So this is my plea to consider getting out the vote for Hillary Clinton. Whether you love her or are meh about her, please help keep a dangerous man out of office.

If you don’t live in or near a swing state, this platform makes it very easy to make calls from home (though it might be more fun to join a local phone bank). If you DO live in a swing state, you have a remarkable opportunity to help save democracy for the entire free world. (And won’t that be a nice thing to say to the next smug married who asks if you’re seeing someone “No, I’ve been busy trying to save democracy for the entire free world. What have you been up to?”)

I know it’s a little weird for me to write something so overtly political on this blog. But these are weird times.

Best,

Sara

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When Therapists Date

Hi Sara: I am 57, female, in private practice as a therapist. I am having trouble moving from the 2-D world of internet dating to actual dating. Or maybe I am doing OK. I don’t know. I’ve have had about one date a month from internet dating the last four months and realize I am rusty.

I don’t drink, for many reasons. I do believe in God but am open to dating people of varying faiths, and I realize my anxiety is causing me to overshare. Sometimes when I share that I am a therapist men get wigged out too—as if I am telling them they need therapy. I feel like telling men I am a cheerleader, as that primarily describes my job. People tell me I am smart, beautiful and sweet. Recently I got asked out, and I gave my business card as my phone number. No phone call to make plans to go dancing as we discussed in person. Not sure how to be myself and be a little different and still date. — R

Dear R: I can see how being a therapist might present an initial challenge when dating. As someone who is not a therapist, I imagine it could be intimidating—I guess because people worry that a therapist will see through the bluster and peacocking that people tend to do on early dates.

So my first suggestion would be to recognize the great things a therapist can bring to a dating situation. First of all, you can listen, which is probably the most essential skill for anyone on a date. As Paul Ford writes in this lovely essay, most people love talking about themselves. Being a good listener will automatically make you a fascinating conversationalist in many people’s eyes—even if you never say a word!

You mentioned that being a therapist is like being a cheerleader. I think that also applies to being a good date. Dating is nerve-wracking for everyone because it involves so much rejection. If you can offer kindness and encouragement during that coffee meet-up, you’ll be a refreshing change from those who treat their dates like job-interview candidates, always searching for a reason to say no. Obviously, that doesn’t mean you have to marry the person—or even go on a second date. But I think that you can always find a good way to put those cheerleading skills to use—to recognize that this is a fellow human being who is on the same journey as you are, even if your paths only intersect for a latte or two.

That said, I have heard from other caregivers that dating can be tricky. It can be easy to slip into “doctor” mode and start viewing a date as a patient, so obviously you want to avoid “treating” your dates—if for no other reason than your own sanity. You might consider looking into professional organizations that provide a platform for therapists or other caregiving professionals to discuss this challenge among themselves.

Regarding your feeling that you overshare: That’s my default mode too, so here’s my conclusion about that: You’re not obligated to tell people anything on a date until you’re ready. This isn’t hiding or keeping a secret—it’s just being private. And I think it’s fine to keep things private until the person you’re seeing proves they can be trusted with that information (and if they never reach that point, well there’s your answer…).

You mentioned a few other things in your letter—your faith, your sobriety. I’m not sure what your concerns around those issues are, and I’m not sure I understand why you think you should “be a little different” from who you are. You are a sober therapist who believes in God. The person you’re involved with needs to be cool with that. The other people don’t matter.

Yours,

Sara

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single.  You can ask her any questions here. You can also find her at saraeckel.com, Twitter and Facebook.

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‘My Boyfriend Is Always Busy!’

Dear Sara: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months now. I am 52; he is 55. It started very slow, but he makes me feel very relaxed and cared for when we are together. But the problem is, he is so busy with work, sometimes working without any time off for 3 to 4 weeks straight that I hardly see him.

He is a best friend, he loves me—that’s what he said. But he needs to work a lot and long hours. Meanwhile, my schedule is so different from his that it seems like a long-distance relationship, even though we live 20 minutes from each other. I like independence, but the rare dates we get starts to make me feel unhappy.

I don’t know what to do. He is such an excellent person and I might even love him. I don’t want to lose him, and at the same time I don’t have enough of him. I miss him tremendously. Any advice? Sincerely, I

Dear I: It sounds like you have a lovely relationship, so I understand that you’re reluctant to do anything that might cause strife. But if there is something happening that makes you unhappy, then I think you really need to talk to him about it. You’ve been together for seven months; you’re not being needy or clingy to bring this up. This is your life, and you’re entitled to know what kind of partner he intends to be. So rather than worry about losing him, I suggest seeing this as opportunity to find out if he’ll ever be able to give you what you need.

The big question I have is: Does he really need to work such long hours? Some people do—they really have no choice, and it has nothing to do with how committed they are to the people in their life. There are other people who say they have to work long hours, and maybe even believe they have to work long hours, but actually could leave the office a bit earlier if they really wanted to. For some people, this because they adore their work or are extraordinarily dedicated to the people they serve. For others, it’s because they aren’t engaged with the rest of their life.

So you need to know which of these categories he fits into. Your boyfriend will probably always work hard, but you need to know if there is any flexibility here. Is he willing to change his schedule to spend more time with you? Does he want to change his schedule to spend more time with you? Can he change his schedule to spend more time with you? Does he know the difference between these things?

To me, his schedule is less important than the way he receives your concerns.

Does he listen to what you have to say and acknowledge how frustrating it must be for you? Or does he shut down, become defensive or say, “This is how I live my life—take it or leave it”? Even if he truly can’t or won’t change his hours, it’s important that he acknowledge that this is hard on you and show he wants to find a way to make it better.

Of course, the question for you is: If his schedule isn’t going to change very much, can you be happy in this relationship long-term? Can you find ways to enjoy the time that you’re apart, so you don’t feel like you’re always waiting?

Obviously, there are no right or wrong answers to these questions, but I think it would be helpful for you to be clear on what you will or won’t accept in this relationship. Where are you willing to compromise and give him some space, and at what point do you simply say, “I need more than what you’re giving me, and if you can’t offer it then we need to part ways”?

Bottom line: He needs to show you he cares, if not by trimming his hours then some other way (and it’s his job to figure out what that is). If he can’t, then I’d suggest finding someone else to spend time with.

Yours,

Sara

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single.  You can ask her any questions here. You can also find her at saraeckel.com, Twitter and Facebook.

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Join the community!

Earlier this year, I spoke with a lovely woman who was struggling with the challenge of being a Single Woman of a Certain Age. She was one of dozens of smart, kind, sensitive and utterly sane women I have met since publishing It’s Not You. She was also, like so many other women I have coached, feeling very isolated. The problem wasn’t simply a matter of not having a romantic partner; it was also that she didn’t have close friends in the same situation.

I wanted to find a way for these women to meet each other, so I recently launched at community forum on my web site and it has been off to a great start. Please take a look and consider joining us!

 

 

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‘I Don’t Understand Why She Left’

Dear Sara: Two and a half years ago, I met a woman online (I was 43 and she was 33 and an alcoholic, sober for 3 years), and we hit it off right away. She was witty and smart. We communicated really well, and we had great physical chemistry. After a few weeks, she said it was important for me to meet her friends and family so that she could get their opinion of me, so she took me to several events to meet everyone. They all loved me and some commented that they had never seen her so happy. She would say. “This is too good to be true!” She said she had never had a healthy relationship; I told her, “It should be this good in the beginning!”

After about 2 to 3 months of dating we began saying “I love you.” She said it first, in a card, and I cried immediately (she was present and we embraced). I was so happy. I felt I had finally found my true love. We talked about having kids together and she said, “For the first time, I can see myself building a life with someone.” We both loved living in the city and after about six months together, she suggested moving in with me part time while also staying in a city an hour away where she worked. I helped her move in to both locations.

Eventually, we would have some small spats. I told her this was normal after dating for a while and living together. Shortly after the six-month mark in our relationship and after she had moved in, she posted a nice photo of the two of us at a dinner party and proclaimed, “Well friends, it’s been 6 months and about time to introduce you to A. He’s quite a catch, and I feel like a lucky, lucky gal. He also survived a family reunion. Xo.” 256 likes on Facebook. I was happier than ever.

She worked a lot and loved her job, which meant I didn’t see her as much as I wanted; I was in love after all! I asked if she would eventually be willing to look for a job in the city where we lived (she said this was where she really wanted to live), but she said this was her dream job, and she wanted to take it as far as possible. Two months after she moved in, she said she was “not ready for this” and broke it off. The breakup lasted two days and we both cried. She left some furniture in my place for a couple of months, and my heart was broken again when she showed up to get it.

A few months ago, I learned that she had a new job in the city where I live. I sent her an email explaining how in love with her I was when we were together and that if she wanted to get lunch to let me know.

She quickly responded by saying thank you for reaching out, I wish you the best (summarized). I think about sending her flowers every day until she realizes she still loves me. But those things only seem romantic in the movies; in real life they seem crazy and desperate, right?  

Since our break up, I’ve had two girlfriends, but I was not in love with either of them and I broke it off. I’m single again now. I miss being in love. Any advice is appreciated. — L

Dear L: First, I’m so sorry your heart was broken this way. It’s always such a shock when the people we love decide to leave, and of course lots of us do exactly what you’re doing—poring over the relationship history, building a case for Why This Shouldn’t Have Happened.

And yet … it did. And you may never know why.

My sense is that you have a theory about why your ex ended things—you note that she is a recovering alcoholic who had never had a functional relationship before. So, just to fill in the dots, yeah—you could be right. Maybe her demons or her lack of experience are at play here. Maybe she has never been as close to anyone as she has been to you, and she got freaked out. Maybe she’ll decide she made a mistake and come back.

I think that is certainly possible, and I’m glad you sent her the nice, cordial note. It was generous and classy of you to let her know the door is still open.

But I would warn you against telling her what her feelings are. You have compiled a lot of evidence, but you actually don’t know if she still loves you—only she knows that. Your letter also indicates that you often took the role of “expert,” telling her how things go in a healthy relationship. I understand that you had more experience in good relationships, since she didn’t really have any, but every relationship is different and if you fell into a master/apprentice dynamic this might have been draining for her.

This is just a guess based on a few comments in your letter, and maybe I’m reading too much into them. But I mention it because “mansplaining,” as it’s now called, is fairly common pattern in a lot of heterosexual couples—women say how they feel; men explain how it is. So that’s just something to watch for.

Anyway, I agree with you that sending flowers would probably be too much. I think you’re wise to be friendly and allow her the space to come back, but I also think the best thing you can do for yourself now is to take her at her word and move on.

I’m glad you did the right thing with your subsequent girlfriends and broke it off when you realized you weren’t in love. No doubt, they were just as bewildered as you were when your ex left you. But it’s really all we can do for each other—just be honest and allow people the freedom and space to find the person who is in love with them.

So even though I know things are hard right now, I think you’re on a good path.

You allowed yourself to fall in love and emotionally invest in another person. You recognized what the experience of being in love feels like and have committed to holding out for it.

That’s all any of us can do. Of course, the wait is hard and the duration indefinite. But if you proceed with honesty, compassion, and respect toward yourself and others, I think you’re in good shape.

Yours,

Sara

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single.  You can her any questions here. You can also find her at saraeckel.com,Twitter and Facebook.

 

 

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‘I Love My Freedom, But I Also Want a Relationship’

Dear Sara: I’m a 34-old-girl who never had a proper relationship. l started to feel so lonely, and seeing [people] all around me having someone makes me feel bad about myself. On the other hand, I do like my independent and free life but still want someone next to me. I wonder: Do I ask too much or is it because I don’t know what I want, that’s why I don’t get it? I’m so confused and frustrated and on top of that is that every time I like a guy I get overshy and awkward and I end up sounding like a dumb and silly girl—hate that feeling!! What can I do to stop all of that and be more confident? – C

Dear C: There is a myth in our culture that there are two different kinds of people—those who wish to merge their lives with another’s, and those who wish to be independent and free. While there certainly are people who exist on each end of that spectrum, most of us fall somewhere in the middle. We want a special person to share our life with, and we want to be able to do our own thing. We want someone to talk to, and we want time to think. We want to be able to dash off at a moment’s notice, and we want someone sweet waiting for us at home.

So if you feel that your expectations are unreasonable—well, so are most of ours. This isn’t a problem to be solved, but one to relax into. Most all of us carry around a mass of contradictions. We are complicated and messy, and our best hope is to find a partner who likes us enough to put up with our nonsense—and vice versa. So be patient with yourself—it will make you feel less stressed, and it will be good practice for when you will invariably need to be patient with someone else.

And when you meet the person who makes you feel jittery and weird, be patient with that, too. Believe me, I know how it goes. I once liked a guy so much I could barely get a sentence out when I talked to him on the phone. It was awful, and at the time I chastised myself for being such a freak and putting him off. But looking back on it, I can see that the signs that he wasn’t into me were there from the start—like the fact that he never called me, ever. (And yeah, these were back in the days when one made actual phone calls. When you had to do ten minutes of deep-breathing exercises before finally picking up the receiver, heart pounding.)

When you feel that nervous energy that means you’re alive. You’ve met someone who makes your heart sing!

Still, one needs to get out coherent sentences so here is my advice. Don’t worry about impressing him or putting on any kind of show; flirting and social anxiety don’t mix, take it from one who knows.

Instead, just be curious about this person. He might seem like your manic pixie dream boy, but he’s really not. He’s just a guy—someone with his own frailties and insecurities. Shift your focus away from yourself and on to him. Ask him questions about his job, his dog, his vegetable garden, and really listen to his answers. This does two things. One it will make you feel less self-conscious because you will be thinking about what he’s saying, not how you’re coming across. And two, you’ll make him feel good because you’re showing a genuine interest. I’m not taking a deep-throated “I’m interested in you;” Just more a “Hey, fellow citizen of the world. I’m curious to know what’s up with you.”

Wanting contradictory things is human, and so is getting nervous when you’re talking to someone cute. If you can learn to ease up on yourself, these very normal feelings won’t go away but they can become much more manageable.

Yours,

Sara

 

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single.  You can her any questions here. You can also find her at saraeckel.com,Twitter and Facebook.

This post first appeared on eHarmony.com.

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Dating With a Disability: ‘Should I Just Give Up?’

Dear Sara: I’m in Seattle and dating here is brutal. I’m 41, educated, funny, fairly attractive, and kind/courteous. I’m looking for the real thing. Here’s the problem: I was almost killed in a car wreck two years ago and my ankles and feet were crushed, every single bone, as well as others in my legs and arm. I will always walk with at least one forearm cane, and probably will have two. In a culture where texts aren’t returned because of a wrong shade of lipstick, what can I do?

I have to wear flats that are fairly clunky and can’t go on long walks on the beach. I should be happy to be alive and healing slowly. That should be enough, but it isn’t. Should I just give up that part of my life altogether and focus on healing and working until I die? That seems pretty bleak and lonely to me and I have quite a bit to offer: I’m loving, empathetic, a good listener, enjoy trying new things, affectionate, honest, generous with my time without being needy, and more. I worry that no man will want an almost 42-year-old woman who is just getting back into the job market and, baring scientific miracles, will be hobbled on at least one leg. Question 2: Is it foolish to be realistic, look at the odds, try and make a happy life for myself, but assume that romance is out for me? — K

Dear K: It’s true. The dating market can be brutal and people can have crazy demands. But the good news is, those people probably won’t be contacting you.

Most of us get to hide the ways in which we’re damaged, at least for a time. You don’t have that luxury. It will be very clear to all who meet you that you have experienced great difficulty and your life will continue to be challenged in certain respects.

So you might take inspiration from this Elle magazine piece about a 43-year-old single mother who is partly paralyzed on the right side of her body and posts dating profile pictures that show her with either her walker or her cane:

I make those pictures front and center. I’ve even named what kind of disability I have in some ads. Has it stopped me from getting responses? Hell no.

If you put those arm canes right in your profile picture, you will no doubt reduce the number of people who respond. But the good news is, those who do respond will be the ones who can see past your condition. So instead of seeing it as a disadvantage in terms of sheer numbers, think of it as an advantage in terms of identifying the enlightened souls who know that there is more to a person than the way she walks, and that there are more important things than the ability to wear cute shoes or hike down a beach.

Since you won’t be wasting time on the people who can’t see past the arm canes, you’ll have more time and energy to focus on your healing and rebuilding your post-accident life.

I understand the temptation to give up—I felt it many times during my dating years. But the thing is, I doubt that you could ever really give up. That’s what I discovered, anyway. For me, it felt the way comedian Margaret Cho once described trying to stay skinny—“like holding a basketball underwater.” I could tell myself I was giving up on my search for love. I could try and push those feelings of longing down, but they’d invariably pop back up again.

So I learned to live with the longing. I accepted that it was there, allowed myself to feel it, and tried not to worry about it too much. That turned out to be easier than trying to push the feelings away.

I also learned that you can do both—you can be open to love without pinning all your happiness on finding a partner. It’s not a matter of trying versus giving up. It’s not “I must work, work, work to find a partner and keep myself in emotional limbo until I get there,” nor is it “I must forget the whole thing and satisfy myself with my dogs and my book club.” It’s possible to enjoy your solo life and keep your eyes open for someone nice. It’s possible to look for that special person without letting that search define you.

As you well understand, life is unpredictable and full of surprises. We can’t control everything that happens to us. But we can commit every day to building lives that are as rich and meaningful as possible, with or without a partner. We can remain open to exciting possibilities for the future while also appreciating all that we have in the present.

Yours,

Sara

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single.  You can her any questions here. You can also find her at saraeckel.com,Twitter and Facebook.

 

This post first appeared on eHarmony.com.

 

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The IT’S NOT YOU audiobook

I’m so happy to announce the publication of the IT’S NOT YOU audiobook. I originally wanted to read the narration myself; fortunately they hired Nina Alvamar instead. She reads the book just as I would–except MUCH better. Here is a sample from Audiobooks.com.

 

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