Sara Eckel's Blog, page 9

My latest piece for The BBC: The Dark Side of the Sharing Economy

I have a new piece on BBC Capital Today about the sharing economy. Here’s how it starts:

A few years ago, a large event in Saskatoon usually meant more business for the Chaplin Country Bed and Breakfast in Saskatchewan, Canada. “I’m about 10 minutes out of the city, so when the city hotels and bed and breakfasts fill up, I would often get their overflow,” said owner Kathy Chaplin.

But those days are over. As the popularity of home-sharing website Airbnb has grown — a recent search found 48 listings in Saskatoon, ranging from $184 for an entire three-bedroom home to $41 to rent a couch in the owner’s living room (bring a sleeping bag and pillow) — Chaplin’s business has slowed down. She has seen her business drop by 30% in the last two years.

To read more click here.

Young Single Women: Many People Don’t Want You to Vote. That’s an Excellent Reason to Vote

Late last month, a panel of Fox News commentators discussed the coming elections when host Kimberly Guilfoyle explained why she didn’t think young single women should vote:

It’s the same reason why young women on juries are not a good idea. They don’t get it. They’re not in that same life experience of paying the bills, doing the mortgage, kids, community, crime, education, health care. They’re healthy and hot and running around without a care in the world,” she said on The Five.

Of course, this statement is ridiculous—in what world do single people not have to worry about bills, crime or healthcare?

In fact, in many ways, single people carry heavier loads than married people. You want to know a really great way to relieve the stress of bills? Have a spouse to split them with. Ditto for healthcare—I know many people whose health-insurance worries were wiped away with the signing of marriage license. As for crime—most people generally feel safer when they have a partner to walk home with on dark nights or investigate the source of that sudden thump at 3 a.m.

For younger singles, the challenges are even greater. Not only did they have to pay more for their college education than their elders, they entered the job market at a time of high unemployment and low wages. Many are working at low-paying jobs and struggling to make basic bills—hardly the joy ride that Guilfoyle makes it out to be.

But if news personalities don’t get the significant adult realities that young singles are facing, that is in part because singles often don’t push back on the “carefree” conceit. In fact, many encourage it. After all, the what’s the alternative? If you can’t present your married friends and relatives with a cheerful list of glittery parties, fun activities and thrilling romances, you risk being becoming an object of pity.

That’s one of the toughest parts about being single, you’re too often lumped into one of two very unappealing, one-dimensional stereotypes: the boozy party animal or the sad loner.

Of course, most single people are neither. They are people with jobs, and people with friends. They are people with bills to pay, and people who sometimes splurge on vacations and restaurant dinners. Some of them follow politics closely and are extremely well-informed; others don’t pay much attention at all.

In other words, there is nothing that makes a single person less qualified to vote than a married person–or a woman less qualified than a man (a matter I thought we resolved in 1920). As for age, we all know that there are plenty of extremely well-informed and politically engaged people in their twenties, and lots of people over 40 who have never shown the slightest curiosity about the world beyond their nearest streetlamp.

Guilfoyle is not the only media personality who has suggested single women stay away from the polls today. Fox’s Tucker Carlson and The National Review Online’s Kevin D. Williamson have also said words to that effect.

It’s beyond depressing that in 2014 single people must still deal with these stupid stereotypes. And while there’s not a lot that can be done about the willful cluelessness of people like Guilfoyle, there is one great way to prove they are wrong and make your voice heard.

If there are people in the world who don’t want you to vote, that strikes me as an excellent reason to vote.

Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.

Couple Envy: ‘Why Am I Such a Terrible Person?’

Dear Sara,

I am single and have a few single friends, but most of my friends are couples. And one of these couples is very tight—they met a few years ago and have been in constant bliss ever since. I am incredibly happy for them, but I also find myself increasingly envious, to the point where I find myself not wanting to be around them and actually hoping that they’ll have problems! (They report that they never do.) This is so not me. I know it happens because I long for what they have, but how can I stop being such a catty, hateful person when they share their happiness? – C.A.

Dear C.A.,

Envy is one of the toughest emotions to deal with because it packs a two-fold punch. First, there is the envy itself, that terrible feeling of loneliness and deprivation you get when your friend’s guy impulsively kisses her hair or laces his fingers through hers.

It sucks–we all get that. But then we make it so much worse because we immediately criticize ourselves for feeling it. You are not a catty, hateful person because you envy your friend—you’re about average. Envy is a completely normal emotion that everyone experiences sometimes, so first understand that feeling envy is no big deal.

That doesn’t make it easy. It still feels like someone stuck a screwdriver in your heart. But you don’t have to double or triple or quadruple your pain by piling shame and self-loathing (or its close neighbor, resentment) on top of it.

Stick with the original hurt. Instead of judging your pain, allow yourself to feel it. Act like a scientist conducting objective research. What does envy feel like in your body? Does your chest feel heavy? Your jaw tight? Your stomach sour? Whatever it is, let it be there—investigate it. All of those ugly emotions that you’re pushing away because you are too nice a person to feel them, let them in.

That might sound awful, but I have found that when I allow myself to go there, I realize that the feeling—unpleasant as it is—has no meaning. It’s just a neutral sensation. It doesn’t kill me, and it always passes. The fear of the feeling is worse than the feeling itself.

It’s hard when our emotions belie our ideas of who we are (or who we want to be), but instead of hating yourself for not being a perfect person who is always delighted to see other people’s honeymoon photos, just be kind to yourself. Say to yourself what your best single friend would say, “Oh, I know. It’s brutal, isn’t it? But you’re not a bad person. That stuff is just hard to be around.”

This is not self-indulgence or having a pity party. It’s about treating yourself in the healthiest possible way, as a good parent might. The indulgent parent allows unlimited television and junk food; the kind one knows when to tell the kid to eat her vegetables and clean her room (but also when it’s time to curl in front of the television with a bowl of buttered popcorn).

Allowing yourself to dive into those dark feelings, rather than push them away, is a discipline. But I when I do this, I notice that a) it’s not that bad and b) I’m probably not the only person who has felt this way. This enables me to forgive myself a lot more quickly and move on.

Self-kindness means that you can say no sometimes. If you know that having dinner with your friend and her man on Saturday nights always makes you feel like crap, don’t do it. Tell her you miss your one-on-one time together.

Self-kindness can mean saying yes. You know that going to the engagement party or bridal shower will probably bring up a lot of uncool emotions, but you decide to take on the challenge. The more you practice being good to yourself in those situations, the easier they will be. It’s like a muscle—and certain people or situations are like a very heavy weight. If you can figure out just how much to take on, you can build a lot of strength.

Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook

This post first appeared on eHarmony.com.

After the Breakup: ‘How Did I Miss the Signs?’

Dear Sara,

I just emerged from a two-month relationship that ended very unkindly. The guy suddenly went missing in action for days, appeared later with some very dodgy-sounding excuses, and then proceeded to break up with me via e-mail, after insinuating that my behavior prompted such a reaction from him.

All too often, married and coupled-up friends have told me when you are with the right person, you will KNOW. I thought I did with this guy (and I have dated a ton—I’m 31). But clearly I didn’t. It was only a two-month relationship, but it started off superbly—daily contact from him, he introduced me to his friends, he asked me for my views on marriage/kids, was there at the airport when I returned from a two-week trip overseas. Then, just as suddenly, it went downhill and he told me he wasn’t sure if he was “ready” for a relationship and needed “time to think.”

I’m now wondering if I missed any signs, if I glossed over certain things I should have noticed before, if it was just all too good to be true. On the really bad days, I wonder if I was just plain stupid. Like you said in your book, I don’t believe in acting like a bitch to be liked by men. But it also appears to me that we should be careful in not letting our guards down too early.

How do you maintain that delicate balance between optimism and caution in the beginning stages of a relationship? – G.L.

Dear G.L.,

First, let’s address this issue of you being “stupid” whereas your coupled friends are relationship geniuses who “knew.” I also “knew” that my husband was the one—the trouble is, I had “known” that about other several other guys in the past and was dead wrong.

So, I wouldn’t put too much stock in your friends’ self-congratulatory Monday-morning quarterbacking. I don’t think they’re trying to deceive you, but I suspect that many have conveniently forgotten all of the times when they were sure a relationship was going to work out and were completely blindsided by a breakup.

Now to your question about balancing optimism and caution: It’s a juicy one because we all want to fall madly, passionately in love. And we also don’t want to get hurt. These are both very normal and reasonable desires, but they’re also completely at odds.

In our culture, we have an idea that you have to do one thing or the other. You’re either a romantic moron who dives headfirst and gets a concussion, or you’re a soulless cynic who wraps her heart in barbed wire and never learns to love.

That’s why I find the Buddhist concept of “the middle path” so useful. The essential instruction is “not too tight, not too loose.” For example, if you find yourself daydreaming about what kind of house you’ll buy together, then you’re being a little too loose. Because that’s not real—yet. On the other hand, if you’re guarding your heart so fiercely that you refuse to tell him he looks nice or even admit that you want a boyfriend, maybe you’re being too tight.

This is not an invitation to criticize yourself—ugh, look at me being too loose again! It is to train yourself in noticing when you sway too far in one direction or another and make an adjustment—sort of like tuning a violin.

This is really key: Be gentle with yourself. If you go into the next relationship worried about being wrong, all you’re going to do is stress yourself out. But if you can relax and accept that you really have no idea what’s going to happen, then it makes everything a little lighter.

No one can ever really know what’s in another person’s heart or brain, and everyone, single or married, is at risk of being devastated by love. It can happen to anyone at any time.

If you can remove the self-blame, then you can start to be curious about what’s developing between the two of you, rather than be worried about it.

Granted, that’s not easy. When you really like someone, you’re not an impartial observer. You feel all sorts of things—hope, fear, lust, anxiety, joy. The trick is to understand that these emotions aren’t anything to freak out about—because all of them pass, even heartbreak. The only thing you really need to know about your relationship’s future is that whatever happens, you’ll be okay.

One place where I would advice caution: talking about it with others. If you have long-coupled friends living in the cozy delusion that they have always known what they were doing, you might want to wait a bit before mentioning a newish boyfriend. Instead, tell whomever you’ll call first should things go south. In other words, the one who can see—even when you can’t—that getting your heart broken doesn’t make you an idiot. It just makes you a person.

I won’t be signing books at this weekend course, but I will be washing dishes

In It’s Not You, I talk a lot about how meditation and Buddhism helped me manage the stress of being single in a society centered around couples and families. My Buddhist studies have continued to help me stay sane in world that is—let’s face it—pretty nuts.

Since the book came out, many people have asked me for recommendations on how to start their own meditation practice, so I want to tell you about the best introductory course that I know of.

It’s called The Art of Being Human, and will be taught by a wonderful teacher named John Ankele at Sky Lake Lodge in Rosendale, N.Y., next weekend, starting on the evening of Oct. 3.

I will be a volunteer staff member at the retreat. I’m not being paid and have no financial stake in this. I won’t be doing a reading or selling books; I will be washing dishes, straightening cushions, serving water to the teacher and whatever other tasks need attending to.

The reason I will be there is simple: I am delighted for the opportunity to work with John, who is my personal meditation teacher, and hear his extremely insightful and humane talks. I also love being at Sky Lake, a beautiful mountain lodge here in the Hudson Valley.

Sky Lake is a very easy bus ride from New York City—it takes less than two hours. And one of us will pick you up at the bus stop when you arrive.

You can get more information about the class here.

Why I Waited Until I Was Married To Write a Book About Being Single

Several years ago, I was dining out with a friend when he asked about my love life. I confessed there was nothing to report—I hadn’t dated anyone in ages. So he did the thing people do when confronted with a person who is single-not-by-choice. He asked what the problem was.

If you’re a romantically unattached person who’d prefer not to be, you’ve probably had some form of this conversation: the earnest, well-intentioned attempt by a friend or family member to solve the riddle of you. Are you afraid of intimacy? Do you have low self-esteem? Are you so self-sufficient you’re not leaving any room for love? Or are you so desperate to find a partner that your raging neediness is repelling all prospects?

On this particular night, I had been on my own for about six years, and I was fed up with these kinds of questions.

“There’s nothing wrong with me!” I said, a little too loud, waving my hand and knocking a salt shaker off the table.

My friend raised his eyebrows and picked up his menu. “Okay, Sara, whatever you say.”

Cut to: ten years later. I have just published a book, It’s Not You, in which I address all of the irritating clichés singles confront on a regular basis. I’m also married.

At my readings, I’ve met many intelligent, thoughtful singles who have clearly experienced the same frustration and doubt that I did. They have asked interesting questions, but one in particular has stuck in my head: “Would your book be different if you wrote it when you were single?”

The answer: Not really. And that’s a problem.

The premise of my book is that most single people don’t have to fix themselves to find love; they just need the good fortune to meet the right person, the one who adores them even if they still get anxious at parties or hate their thighs. I reached this conclusion when I was single myself, after many years of reading self-help books and answering workbook-type questions about my emotional baggage and my fear of commitment. At a certain point, I realized this was silly. There was nothing wrong with me, or any of the single people I knew—or at least nothing so wrong that it was keeping us from a relationship. There was no standard of self-actualization that separated the single from the married. It was just dumb luck.

The observation was liberating, but I mostly kept it to myself. I was quite sure the general response would be like my friend’s: Sure, sweetie, you believe whatever gets you through the night. I worried that by revealing my heartache, self-doubt and—yes—anger, I would disprove my argument in many readers’ minds, prompting the age-old refrain No wonder she’s single!

So I stayed quiet. Many years later, from the safe perch of my happy marriage, I published a book firing back at all the inane comments singles hear about being “too intimidating” or “too available.” For the most part, the book has been received warmly. Of course, I’ve had detractors criticizing my writing or my ideas, but overall it has been very civil.

There is one interesting exception. After I published an excerpt that challenged the perennial idea that intelligence, independence and career success hinder a woman’s chance of marrying, I received a lot of criticism. Many readers challenged my logic or my research, which is fair enough, but there were also comments like this:

“Sounds like the author’s mother called again today and wanted to know when she’d get to be a grandmother.”

“If these ladies are so smart, why is she telling them this? It sounds to me like she might be trying to convince herself.”

“It’s quite obvious that the author needs some [expletive deleted].”

I’m sure you can guess the detail that was not included in the excerpt. For the first time since publishing It’s Not You, I didn’t make clear that I was married. And for the first time, I was attacked personally, my ideas dismissed and attributed to my unhappiness or insecurity.

This, I believe, is why single people often go to great lengths to assure everyone around them they are completely delighted with their solo life. Of course, we all know that many single people are extremely happy, just as we know that many married people are utterly miserable.

But only single people are compelled to present their life satisfaction as evidence that they’re worth listening to. When couples experience marital discord, we accept it as a normal cost of being an adult; we even admire them for their willingness to stick it out and do the necessary “work.” But when a singles express wistfulness with their unattached state, they risk being branded with that deadly word, “pathetic.” As opposed to, say, human.

At my events, readers often ask me very personal questions about their dating lives, and I sometimes find myself in an awkward role—the married advice lady. The single people who attend my readings have been patient as I stumble through my responses to the 45-year-old who just quit internet dating or the college student who wants to know how to get her crush to answer her texts.

Conversations like these might have been easier if I was still in the game, still navigating all that uncertainty myself. And sometimes I wish I’d had the courage to publish my book when I was single, but mostly I’m glad I didn’t. To be single is to subject oneself to an outrageous amount of scrutiny, from the well-meaning to the trollish. The single person must constantly field queries and gentle prompts about why she is alone. So I did the best I could: I said nothing.

Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.

This post originally appeared on Daily Life.

One of the most beautiful, raw portraits of dating that I’ve ever heard

If you haven’t been listening to Lea Thau’s amazing series “Love Hurts” on KCRW’s Strangers radio show, I urge you to. It is one of the smartest, rawest and most honest portraits of love and dating I have heard in a very long time, maybe ever. I was fortunate to be interviewed for Part 3 of the series, but that’s not why I’m recommending it. I recommending it because it’s crazygood!

http://www.kcrw.com/news-culture/shows/strangers

Want to Impress Someone? Don’t Try

Many years ago, I was talking to a woman at a party about relationships and mentioned that I hadn’t been in one for ages. She told me this wasn’t a problem for her. She always had a boyfriend—her current beau was a biologist at an elite university—and before him there were plenty of others.

“Men flock to me,” she said.

The hostess called us to dinner, where the woman continued to assert her superiority, informing the table of her culinary skills and deep appreciation of classical music, while I scowled into my plate. All I wanted to do was go home and turn on the TV and try to forget that I was an unappealing cipher who men didn’t flock to. But instead, I looked up at the faces of the other guests and saw that they were nearly as miserable and annoyed as I was. And I realized this woman had made a terrible mistake. Her attempts to impress everyone were having the exact opposite effect.

She might have been extreme, but I’ve seen this kind of clueless behavior in others—very often in myself. It’s a little tragic: Many of us are at our most insufferable with the people we most want to impress.

The impulse to say “Hey, check out how great I am” hits its apex when dating, of course. You want to let them know you’re worth the effort, so you casually mention your prestigious alma mater or that time someone said you should model. On some level, we all know this doesn’t work—because we’ve all been on the other side of it—but we con ourselves into thinking an expensive car or road race victory really will close the deal.

But a recent study published in the Harvard Business Review reveals a much better strategy: If you want to make someone think highly of you, don’t tell them you’re great—make them feel great. And the authors offer a simple one-step process: ask for advice.

The study found that, contrary to popular perception, people who ask for advice are seen as more intelligent than those who don’t. But the researchers also noted that participants only granted the perceived IQ boost to people who asked them questions. Deferring to the waiter or another person in the movie ticket line wins you no points.

“The benefits of advice seeking are contingent on direct flattery,” the authors explained. “Being asked for advice caused advisors to feel more self confident and, in turn, to view the advice seeker more positively.”

Writer Paul Ford offers another strategy: Tell the person that her job sounds difficult. In a lovely essay, Ford, who describes himself as, “big and droopy and in need of a haircut,” recalls the time he met a beautiful and very stylish woman at a party.

“I could tell that she was disappointed to be introduced to this rumpled giant in an off-brand shirt,” he said.

At one point, she told him that her job was helping celebrities choose expensive jewelry.

“That sounds hard,” said Ford.

Immediately, the energy changed.

“She brightened and spoke for 30 straight minutes about sapphires and Jessica Simpson. She kept touching me as she talked. Eventually someone pulled me back into the party. The celebrity jewelry coordinator smiled and grabbed my hand and said, ‘I like you!’” Ford wrote.

To be clear, Ford’s essay was called “How to be Polite,” not “How to Pick Up Beautiful Celebrity Stylists.” And we all know that flattering dates and people you meet at cocktail parties can be just as smarmy and manipulative as bragging about how much you bench press.

The Harvard Business School study found that asking for advice only makes a positive impression if it means something—that is, when the person has some knowledge of the topic. If your date informs you she knows nothing about wine, then consulting her on the right Pinot Grigio won’t help—and may even hurt. On the other hand, if she tells you she works for a brewery, get her consult on whether to choose the IPA or the stout.

Want to Impress Someone? Don’t TryThe point is not to ply her with fake praise, but to simply step back and let the other person shine. Not only is this much easier than trying to impress, you’ll probably get a much better glass of beer.

Here’s something wonderful to listen to

Producer Lea Thau on KCRW’s Strangers discusses the pain of dating in these times. She also shares her own story: Love Hurts.

This Garfunkel and Oates video says it all

Post by IFC.