Sara Eckel's Blog, page 5

Want to Be Happy? Admit That You’re Ordinary.

If you’ve recently created a dating profile for yourself, you’re not alone. This is the busiest time of year for online dating sites.

Along with your height, eye color, and favorite films, you’ve probably attempted to include language that informs the reader that you’re worth a look. You want to distinguish yourself from all of the other 5’10”-inch brown-eyed men who like movies and the outdoors. More to the point, you want to convince the gentle strangers reading your profile that you’re a winner–smart, successful, well-rounded, good-looking. You want to set yourself apart.

When you read the profiles, it also becomes clear that there are a whole lot of people out there who think they’re a cut above. In her wonderful book, Self-Compassion, University of Texas psychologist Kristin Neff notes that most of Americans are afflicted with the “Lake Wobegon effect”—everyone thinks they’re above average. She cites some very striking figures:

85 percent of students rate their interpersonal skills as above average
94 percent of college professors say they’re better teachers than their colleagues
90 percent of drivers believe they’re above-average drivers—even those who recently caused an accident

Neff says that people commonly see themselves as funnier, more logical, more popular, better looking, nicer, more trustworthy, wiser, and more intelligent than others. “Ironically most people think they’re above average in their ability to view themselves objectively,” she writes.

It turns out, we’re all Donald Trump.

Obviously, there is a big math problem here—it’s not possible for all of us to be above-average at everything.

But even if we’re all living in the sunny delusion that we’re better than other people, is that so bad? If most people feel pretty good about themselves, isn’t that a positive thing?

The problem, Neff says, is that in order to be “better,” we have to make others “worse.” We have to prop up our impossible self-images by finding ways to convince ourselves that we’re superior to other people. “It’s very common to look for flaws or shortcomings in others as a way to feel better about ourselves. Why else do we love pictures of stars spilling out of their swimsuits, making fashion flubs or having a bad hair day?” writes Neff.

When the house of cards falls—as it inevitably does—we become quite distraught. Neff discusses one experiment in which students were put in pairs and took a test. Those who were told they received a lower score felt more distant and alienated from their partners than those who were told they received a higher score.

That’s the problem: An overinflated sense of self-worth is extremely fragile. Just a tiny pinprick of disappointment and the whole thing collapses.

“The sad irony is that the very reason we want to succeed in the first place is that we want to feel accepted and worthy, to be close to others, to feel that we belong. It’s a classic catch-22. The very act of competing with others for success sets up an unwinnable situation in which the feelings of connectedness we crave are forever out of reach,” writes Neff.

But Neff also has good news: The happiest people in our society are the ones who can accept the fact that they have more similarities with other people than they have differences. These are people who can cheerfully admit that, yes, they are ordinary.

Feeling special is great—when that’s how you legitimately feel. But life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes you don’t get the job. Sometimes you fail the driver’s test. Sometimes the person you adore doesn’t feel reciprocate the feeling. Sometimes you’re left out.

When this happens, trying to convince yourself that you’re better than other people will be tough. So try thinking about how much you have in common with the rest of humanity instead. Everyone fails sometimes. Everyone gets rejected. Everyone experiences sadness, loneliness, and frustration.

Recognizing this won’t make these feelings go away, but it can help you cultivate gentleness with yourself and others. Once you’re not so invested in being superior to others–the inevitable disappoints of life become a lot more manageable.

Chances are, your setback is not remarkable, and the fact that you’re having it doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It just means you’re a person.

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her a question here.

This post originally appeared on eHarmony.com.

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“I’m Not _____ Enough” and Other Beliefs to Shed in 2016

This will be the year: that you start getting up at five a.m. to go running, that you go on two dates a week, that you develop a system that keeps your closet clutter-free.

There’s a funny optimism that occurs at the beginning of a new year. Somehow, despite all evidence to the contrary, many of us become convinced that we’ll be able to alter fundamental aspects of our personalities—or at least become upgraded versions of ourselves.

And every year, sometime around mid-March, we realize we’re still hitting the snooze button, still weeding through overstuffed closets, still spending way too much time with our Netflix queues. We didn’t become shinier, happier or more popular versions of ourselves. We’re still basically working with last year’s model, and we see that as a problem.

When he came to Oxford in the 1960s, Buddhist teacher Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche was surprised by the way Westerners rejected themselves. The people he met, writes in The Sanity We Are Born With, seemed to believe they had made some fundamental mistake, for which they were being punished.

By contrast, Buddhist philosophy holds that all beings are essentially good. We’re like diamonds in mud; our fundamental goodness might get clouded with the muck of societal confusion and aggression, but it never changes. To access our higher selves, we don’t need to eradicate some terrible flaw. We simply need to clear off the muck and grime of unhelpful beliefs and attitudes.

In that spirit, I’d like to suggest a few concepts to shed in 2016.

1) “I’m not FILL-IN-THE-BLANK Enough.”

Thin. Successful. Funny. Attractive. Compassionate. Generous.

The rap on single people is that they’re entitled and narcissistic. But the singles I have met through my coaching practice and book events are nothing like that.

To the contrary, they’re kind and thoughtful—and incredibly hard on themselves.

Because they would like a partner and don’t yet have one, they come up with long lists of things that are “wrong” with them: they’re too aloof, too scatter-brained, too inexperienced, etc.

I understand this impulse; when I was single I used to treat myself like an ongoing self-improvement project. Then one day it hit me. I’m not perfect, but none of the happily coupled people I know are either. As marriage researcher John Gottman has noted, you don’t need to get rid of all your quirks and neuroses to find a good relationship. “The key to a happy marriage isn’t having a ‘normal’ personality but finding someone with whom you mesh,” he writes in The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.

2) “If I do X, then I will be more attractive.”



When I was writing my book, It’s Not You, I interviewed a woman who said that as she has gotten older she has taken a more lighthearted approach to dating. “I think that makes me more attractive,” she said.

I was glad she was enjoying dating more, but I was slightly disheartened by this. She still seemed to buy into the idea that pleasing others is the game; she was still giving others power to judge her.

Single people are often told to develop confidence so they will be more attractive to others. I say develop your confidence so you don’t have to worry about what others think.

3) “It’s not fair.”

The transition from self-doubt to self-acceptance can be rocky. Once you realize that you don’t have to improve to find love—that you’re just as worthy of it as anyone else, the first feeling is relief. The second feeling is frequently anger—at all the time you wasted questioning yourself, and at all the various societal forces that led you down that path.

Those forces aren’t going to disappear just because you had an epiphany. And in my experience, trying to argue your case to others is usually not an effective way to convince them that you don’t have issues. So don’t worry about whether your great aunt or your long-married college friend gets it. You get it.

4) “Now I’ve shed these feelings forever.”

Bad news: You never get there. Married, single, whatever.

One day you’re feeling great, having shed all those damaging beliefs. A few days later, someone cute will neglect to text you and you’ll find yourself back in confusion and doubt. That’s fine. You’re living your life, and naturally dust and dirt will fall. Just remember it’s not you—it’s the mud. And you can always wash it off again.

Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her any questions here.

This post originally appeared on eHarmony.com.

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Taking An Adult Approach To The Holidays (Even When You’re Seated At The Kid’s Table)

After I asked readers to describe their feelings about the holidays, many expressed frustration. They wrote of nosey relatives who grilled them about their romantic lives, of being relegated to air mattresses while married siblings received guest-room accommodations, and of wanting to vaporize during New Year’s Eve kisses.

But perhaps the largest source of grief was the simple understanding that a time that is supposed to bring joy so often brings pain instead.

The holidays can have a time-lapse quality. You frequently hang out with people you see only once a year or so—cousins, uncles, high-school pals, family friends. As the years tick by, you notice that some very obvious things in their lives start changing, as gradually your peers begin bringing home partners and later children. This can make a single, childfree person feel like her life hasn’t budged.

Many readers also said that the holidays often make them feel like kids, as they’re still defined primarily as sons or daughters, rather than husband or wives, fathers or mothers.

I experienced all of those complicated emotions for many years, and it was hard. But I gradually came to see that my life was moving forward, just not in a way that was apparent at a holiday dining table. A short story I’d published in a literary magazine was not going to command the same attention as a family friend’s new baby; my solo trip to Thailand wasn’t going to garner as much conversation as a family wedding.

At first this frustrated me, but then I realized it was OK. I’d be back to my regular life soon enough. More importantly, if I wanted to feel like an adult, trying to get people to praise and acknowledge me was exactly the wrong way to do it.

In other words, I realized that having a spouse or a child is not the thing that makes a person a grown-up; putting other people’s needs ahead of your own is. And that impulse has nothing to do with your relationship status or whether or not you’re the official host of the event. All you have to do is shift the attention from yourself to others. For example:

Listening to your great-aunt brag about her grandchildren
Asking your grandfather about his childhood
Picking up people at the airport
Taking people’s coats
Making sure everyone has a drink
Doing the dishes
Making the mashed potatoes
Complimenting your cousin’s engagement ring

Some of these things might sound harder than others, and many are probably things you already do. But for me, that simple shift—thinking more about other people’s good time than my own—was transformative. It took both the pressure and the self-loathing away, as it’s very difficult to feel bad about yourself when you’re being good to others.

I also realized that self-consciousness is a form of self-absorption, since most of my dining companions weren’t sitting around wondering why I was single. They were wondering when it would be OK to ask for seconds, what kind of pie we were having, and whether or not they should get on the road before the snow hit.

I was lucky. I never dealt with obnoxious questions or people acting like I had a “disease,” as some readers have reported. If this is your situation, the challenge will probably be greater, but why not take it? The goal is not to change anyone else’s mind about you. The goal is to cultivate self-respect.

That’s not always easy, especially in a culture that is frequently very disrespectful to single people. But the principle behind it is quite simple: Think about the way a person you respect behaves, and then do that.

Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.

This originally appeared on eHarmony. Republished here with permission.

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Don’t Love Yourself? Try Just Being Friends.

Whenever people ask Buddhist teacher Lodro Rinzler to talk about love and romance, he asks them a simple question: “When you go on a date, do you bring your most authentic self?”

“Ninety percent of the time, the answer is ‘Hell, no,’” Rinzler writes in How To Love Yourself (And Sometimes Other People): Spiritual Advice For Modern Relationships, which he co-authored with Christian spiritual teacher Meggan Watterson.

“People don’t see themselves as kind, wise, and desirable. Instead, many people think they are garbage. I hate even writing that word, but I have had meditation students approach me and say, ‘Who would want to be with me? I’m trash. I’ve had loved ones claim they were horrid or broken even as I stood in front of them, loving them,” he writes.

Single people are often told that if they want to find a partner, they first need to love themselves. But that can be a tall order when so many people don’t even like themselves.

So before you try to fall madly in love with the person in the mirror, Rinzler offers a more attainable suggestion: Try befriending yourself.

We don’t require our friends to gaze into our eyes and tell us how amazing and special we are, but we do expect them to listen to us when we need to vent about a bad day at work. We don’t need our friends to buy us expensive dinners or gifts, but they should be willing to meet for coffee.

This might seem like a more tepid form of love than the kind that says “You’re the greatest person ever!” but actually it’s a much stronger and more enduring love. The best thing about good friends is that they don’t need you to be extraordinary. They don’t need you to win first prize, date the hottest person in class or get the corner office. If these things happen, they’re happy for you. But they don’t really change their opinion of you because that’s not why they love you. They just love you because you’re you—no embellishments needed.

But that’s not the way many of us treat ourselves. We love our friends even if they can’t cook or drive beat-up cars, but we have incredibly exacting standards for ourselves, which I think is why most people don’t bring their authentic selves to dates. For many people, the goal of a date is not to connect with another sweet, imperfect soul. It’s to present a shiny, happy package. Look at me! I’m so confident! And positive! And hap-hap-happy!

When it doesn’t work out, when the paramour fails to be dazzled by our glittery array of fine qualities, it feels awful. And that’s when the self-flagellation can come in—when we pick apart our performance, our personalities, our entire selves, and reach a grim conclusion.

So if you find yourself doing this, ask yourself. “Is this the way I would talk to my best friend? Would I say, ‘You shouldn’t have said that stupid thing’? or ‘She probably wants someone better looking’? Or would I say, ‘That stinks, but I’m here for you’?”

We understand instinctively that our friends are complete as they are, and that they also deserve great romantic relationships. So why not offer that same love and acceptance to yourself?

 

Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single . You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com . You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook . Ask her any questions here.

 

This post first appeared on eHarmony.com.

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Friends Want to Help You Find Love? Ask Them to Do This.

Harvard Business School might not seem like a likely place to find dating advice, but a recently published working paper has good insights for anyone wishing to perform well under pressure.

The study, which I learned about from the Science of Us blog, shows that people who receive positive feedback before undertaking a stressful task were calmer, more creative, and made a better impression than those who did not.

In the first part of the study, participants read hand-written stories by a close friend or family member describing them at their best. For example: “You are unafraid to be intelligent. So many people, particularly women, are afraid to be the smartest person in the room. You are a wonderful role model for all bright, quick, and articulate women in the world, showing that it is more than ok to be clever and to allow people to see that you are smart. I can think of a time when you won the argument with class, and I found it inspirational.”

Afterwards, the participants were asked to write and deliver a three-minute speech explaining why they should be hired for their ideal job. The people who had read the uplifting feedback were evaluated more highly by observers than individuals in a control group.

In the second phase of the study, researchers monitored the participants’ physiological responses to praise. Each participant read several stories about a time when she performed at her best, written by friends, family members or coworkers. An example of one response: “I remember the time when you stayed up all night to make sure that I knew I was worth more than what my high school bullies would try to make me believe. Your compassion and words allowed me to feel loved in a world that is often cruel. You reminded me of my potential to be a great yet humble person. During those blinding moments, you showed me a lot more about myself that I might not have known until years later.”

The participants then performed a series of stress-inducing and/or problem-solving tasks while researchers monitored their physiology. The researchers found that these individuals had higher resistance to disease and resilience to stress and burnout than people in a control group. They were also more creative with their problem-solving and performed better under pressure.

Here’s what I love about this study: The participants’ friends weren’t pumping them up with phony phrases or platitudes. They were describing real situations accurately. And in doing so, they presented their friends with a version of success that had nothing to do with winning first place or reaching far off goals. Success simply meant being the best version of themselves.

As the researchers note, there is a misguided belief in our culture that focusing on people’s weaknesses inspires them to perform better, and there are few vehicles for recognizing what we admire in others. “Highlighting people at their very best often is reserved for social endings, such as retirement parties and funerals … ,” they wrote. “These results suggest that there is considerable lost potential in keeping silent about how others affect us when they are at their best.”

While the Harvard study was focusing primarily on work, I think it applies to all areas of life, including the search for love. I remember speaking with a woman who, after being single for many years, married a lovely man when she was in her forties. At the wedding, she heard story after story of how wise and strong she had been to hold out for true love.

“It was really nice,” she said. “But I sort of wish people had said this to me when I needed to hear it—like before I met Ben. Back then, the consensus seemed to be that I was too picky.”

So the next time you need a confidence boost, ask a trusted friend what she’ll say about you at your 80th birthday party. Let her tell you about the wonderful person she admires and loves—the person you don’t have to do anything to become, the person you already are.

And then do it for her. After all, that’s the sort of thing your best self would do.

Sara Eckel is the author of  It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single . You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at  saraeckel.com . You can also find her on Twitter  and  Facebook . Ask her any questions here.

This post first appeared on eHarmony.com.

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‘How Do I Not Screw This Up?’

Dear Sara: A few months back, I was at a friend’s party and met a guy who, it turns out, I met last year at the same friend’s party. We met very briefly and he made a great impression on me but I was feeling totally introverted and sort of scampered away from him. When we met this time, I was pretty determined to see if there was something there, and he was apparently on the same page (“I heard you talking about liking board games; we should play some time!”). So, we’ve been dating for a few weeks now and I feel ludicrously happy.

But that happiness is tainted with a sort of general relationship anxiety. I feel like that’s not spoken to very frequently–it’s like, either you’re single and going on terrible dates and making fun of them with your friends, or you’re in a relationship and things are figured out. For someone who’s been single for years, I feel this added pressure that this might be the end of the road, and I better not screw this up! So I better not be too much myself and instead parcel out my “quirks” lest he run terrified off into the night. As someone who’s not used to being in a relationship, how do I get over the intense pressure I’m putting on myself now that I’m dating a person I see a future with? — R

Dear R: Such a good point! Those early days of a new relationship can be thrilling but also terrifying—especially if you’ve been single for a long time. I definitely understand that “last chance” feeling, and I think women in particular are encouraged to feel this way. But there is no deadline for finding love—it happens when it happens.

There’s also no formula for making someone fall in love with you—despite what eight-zillion dating guides say. That’s actually good news. Trying to do “everything right,” trying to “not screw up” won’t make your budding relationship go more smoothly. All it will do is make you feel nervous and freaked out.

Here’s the even better news: You really can’t screw this up. If he’s right guy for you, he’s going to like you despite—maybe even because of—your quirks and flaws. And if he’s not the right guy, nothing you can do will change that.

That means you get to relax be yourself. That doesn’t necessarily mean divulging all your deepest secrets. You’re allowed to keep certain things private until this man proves himself worthy of this confidence.

“Be yourself” also doesn’t mean “be a total slob.” Sure, clean your apartment before he comes over. Get a new dress that makes you feel cool. One nice thing about new relationships is that they often compel us to be our best selves. You suddenly realize that it’s time to replace the sheets you bought in 1996, and to dig out those empty soda bottles from under the driver’s seat of your car. When you’re with your beloved, you’re patient and kind when the waiter brings you the wrong entree. You’re thoughtful and sensitive when your date tells you about his parents divorcing when he was seven. And you’re up for anything: a sportsbar with his buddies? A hair band competition? A mime festival? Sure!

In other words, our new loves often compel us to come into closer alignment with our values—to live with more dignity, kindness and adventurousness. So rather than trying to be someone other than yourself, try being your highest self. This is easier than you might think, since that person has been there all along.

Yours,

Sara

Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.

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‘How Can I Trust Myself Again?’

Dear Sara: I recently met a guy on a dating app, and we had an online thing going on for about two months. Despite our distance [we live on different continents], we talked every single day, almost non-stop through text, phone calls and Skype. I tried (not very hard though, I must admit) to slow things down but was won over by his open-heartedness and sweet words.

We recently had a sort of fight and he seems to have disappeared on me. I’m devastated, because this is not the first time a guy has disappeared on me just as things seemed to be taking off. My question is: how do I trust my feelings and intuition when this keeps happening to me? Whether I am reckless or cautious with my feelings, it seems like I still end up getting really hurt. Will I ever become a “smarter” dater? Is there ever a “correct” way to love somebody? — L

Dear L: I’m so sorry to hear you had such a heart-breaking experience, but I don’t think it means you’re not smart at dating–or at least that you’re any less smart than anyone else.

Honestly, I doubt than anyone can be very intelligent about a relationship that is conducted entirely online. There are too many subtle cues that you miss—those little flinches, eye rolls and tightened jaws that tell you (even if you aren’t consciously aware of it) that this person isn’t being completely honest. At the same time, other people can make you feel relaxed, even if you can’t articulate why. I’ve always struggled with insomnia, but after I started seeing my husband I noticed that I slept like the dead at his place. My body knew I could trust him.

We have so many technical innovations that can beam us to people on the other side of the world, and it’s easy to forget that we are still biological creatures. We are mammals who have instincts that enable us to sense danger or deceit. Those instincts are severely limited if we’re not in the same room.

You said this is a pattern, so maybe this problem has arisen in face-to-face relationships too. Even though we have natural instincts, most humans still get love wrong sometimes (and some of us get love wrong many times). Instincts can be clouded by emotions like fear, hope, desire and insecurity—making everything feel like a muddle.

So even though our instincts can be useful guides, it’s also important to not take our feelings too seriously. As we all know, feeling giddy and happy doesn’t mean that things will work out; just as being afraid doesn’t mean you’re doomed. Most of us feel all of this stuff in a budding relationship.

This is why I like meditation—it’s a way to train yourself to experience a feeling without making a big deal about it. The more you just sit with whatever is coming up—panic, lust, fear, elation—the more you become aware that these are simply neural sensations in your body. They don’t necessarily mean anything, and they definitely aren’t anything to be ashamed of.

You’ve experienced a lot of heartbreak and now you’re judging yourself for it. Why am I always wrong? Why does this keep happening to me? But I don’t think that’s a useful way to approach the situation. It’s fine to look back at red flags. For example, I once dated a guy who was cold to me when we were around his friends—there’s a clue! After it ended, I felt stupid for falling for such unkind man, and made a decision to never let anyone treat me that way again. Beating myself up for liking the guy was pointless, but setting a standard for how I’d be treated in the future was very valuable.

And once you take the judgment out, it becomes easier to access your own wisdom. You gradually start to separate knee-jerk reactions, like feeling anxious when he doesn’t reply to your text immediately, from a deeper-level intuition, like a nagging feeling that someone isn’t being honest with you.

Love makes idiots out of all of us. And unfortunately part of the risk (and the thrill) of love is that you never really know the future—even when you’re married. So rather than trying to be smarter at love, I suggest you learn to relax into its uncertainty. Instead of trying to get into someone else’s head, just set some standards for how future boyfriends should treat you. If they manage to hoodwink you anyway, forgive yourself immediately. Heartbreak is hard enough; don’t compound the hurt with self-flagellation.

Instead, just relax. Have a good cry. Get an ice cream cone. And remember that you are becoming wiser, even if you can’t see it yet.

Yours,

Sara

Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com.

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I’ll be in Chicago on Oct. 8 …

I’m looking forward to visiting Chicago next month for two events. If you’re in the area, stop by:

Oct. 8, 2015. 11 a.m. Chicago Professional Women’s Network’s Annual Smart Chicks Lunch panel discussion. Balagio Ristorante, 17501 Dixie Hwy, Homewood, Illinois 60430.

Oct. 8, 2015, 6:30 pm. With Jenniffer Weigel: Reading at City Lit Books, 2523 N Kedzie Blvd, Chicago, IL 60647

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I wrote about being a smug married for the Washington Post

When I was single, smug married people drove me nuts. Then I became one.

A few years ago, a friend told me she was worried that she’d never find a partner. She had been single for a long time and didn’t see much chance that this would change.

“You’ll find someone,” I said. “I just know it.”

She shot me a deadly look. “Do you know how many people have told me that?”

I apologized immediately, embarrassed by the asinine comment. I had been single throughout my 20s and 30s, and always hated know-it-all proclamations from coupled friends. Now here I was, uttering the same words that pissed me off so many years ago. It was easy, I realized, to become the smug-married enemy.

Read the rest of the piece here.

The post I wrote about being a smug married for the Washington Post appeared first on Sara Eckel.

‘Why Are My Married Friends So Smug?’

Dear Sara: What goes on psychologically that causes people to brag about their relationships and then chastise single friends for wanting the same thing? I’ve read studies before saying that happiness actually causes selfishness, and that if you’re down, it’s best not to talk to a friend who’s very happy with their life because they’re too far removed to be sympathetic.

I was talking to a girlfriend the other night who just got married and was going on about how happy she is, and how she feels like her life has finally started (at 27). She knows I’m older, have been single and have had my heart broken over and over for a very long time. But her attitude towards me: Well, God would never give you more than you can bear. WT-?!

I’ve had other married friends gloat about their husbands constantly and yet when I say something like, gee, I’d love to have what you have, I get an avalanche of well, you should be happy being single. If you don’t love yourself, you can’t expect anyone else to love you! And so I constantly wonder, what causes this attitude where people are enjoying all the great things about being in a relationship and know their significant other is a major contributor to their personal happiness, yet the attitude seems to be yes, what I have is pretty awesome, but you shouldn’t want it or feel sad you don’t have it as well. It’s bizarre. — C

Dear C: Yes, it is bizarre! As you say, research has found that people who are enjoying good fortune tend to be less sympathetic than those who are having a tougher time. Researchers have speculated that this might be because happy people don’t want to be brought down by others’ misfortune.

I also think that something deeper is at work. If your friends cannot accept that you are just as deserving of a good relationship as they are, if they’re committed to the idea that some psychological issue, rather than dumb luck, is what separates you, then my best guess is that your situation scares them.

One of our deepest cultural myths is that we have complete control over our fates. That’s why cancer survivors are praised for “beating” the disease with their great attitudes but we don’t know quite what to say about those who “lost their battles.” Did they lack character? Did they not try hard enough?

Logically, we know of course not. But many people perpetuate the myth that there is no such thing as luck or chance, because the alternative terrifies them.

When you accept that luck plays a hand in your life’s outcomes, then you also must accept that any happiness you’re enjoying at the moment is on somewhat shaky ground. You have to accept that you don’t have complete control.

People don’t like doing this. So instead, they tell themselves stories about how their hard work and upstanding character are responsible for everything they have. Of course, these things do matter—a lot. They just don’t tell the whole story.

I don’t know you or your friends. Maybe they really are relationship geniuses (though the way they treat you suggests otherwise); maybe you’re commitment-phobic or whatever. But here’s the main thing: It doesn’t matter what they think. I know their attitude can be very hard to take, but you’re probably not going to change their minds.

Here’s what I suggest you do instead: Be the bigger one. See their reaction to your situation for what it (likely) is: a product of their fear. Then try to have compassion for that.

This advice might be annoying—why should you have to have compassion for them? Because it will give you some distance and help you see that just because they have an unfair opinion of you doesn’t mean you have to believe it.

If I wrote to you and said, “Your letter tells me that you are clearly a murderer,” the insult wouldn’t stick. You’d just realize I was nuts and hit close tab.

The accusations that sting are the ones we partly believe ourselves. When I was single, I wasted a lot of breath trying to convince my coupled friends that there was no deep psychological issue preventing me from finding a relationship. But really, I was trying to convince myself. Once I did that, I realized it didn’t matter what anyone else thought. I also realized that arguing my case all the time was not only tiresome to everyone involved, I was also giving other people far too much power. I was appointing them judge and jury and then becoming angry when I thought they got it wrong.

Maybe you’re not doing that. Maybe you’re only lightly mentioning that yeah, having a partner sounds great; I’d like one too. But now that you know they can’t be trusted with such confidences, I suggest you stop. Your friends are infuriating you because they’re acting like authority figures when actually they don’t know what they’re talking about. When you reject their presumed authority—not by arguing but by simply changing the subject—you reclaim your dignity. You also save them from embarrassing themselves with those stupid clichés. Yours,Sara



Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com.



This post first appeared on eHarmony.com.