Sara Eckel's Blog, page 11

A Good Day in Philadelphia

Thanks to Beth O’Donnell, Kristie Bergie and all the cool women who came to my event at Rembrandt’s in Philadelphia last Thursday. It was a lovely party and I made a lot of new friends who somehow felt like old friends. Also, got to do a fun interview on Good Day Philadelphia.

Philadelphia News, Weather and Sports from WTXF FOX 29

Please join QuirkyAlone author Sasha Cagen and Me …

Long before I met Sasha Cagen, a friend gave me a copy of her book QuirkyAlone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics. I had never read anything that made me feel so understood. Now I am happy to call Sasha my friend and can’t wait to talk to her in a live Spreecast on Wednesday, April 23:

Dating Rules: Sell Yourself Vs. Be Yourself

Dating guides frequently give strict rules about how to behave around prospective partners. There are dictates about who should pick the restaurant and pay the check, how far in advance the date should be requested, and how long to wait before sending the follow-up text.

We’re advised to be open, but also mysterious. To wear makeup, but don’t try too hard. And always, always be positive.

In my book, It’s Not You, I rail against the dating gurus who tie us in knots of self-doubt with their narrow and often contradictory prescriptions for how to be lovable. Readers have questioned me about this. After all, doesn’t dating require a bit of salesmanship—choosing a nice profile picture, cherry-picking your favorite books and movies (your love of War and Peace is well documented,Bridget Jones’s Diary not so much), wearing smart clothes, and emphasizing the parts of your life that are going well (your promotion at work) over those that are not (your ongoing feud with your sister)?

It’s true. Showing up to a date in a wrinkled t-shirt and unwashed jeans is a bad idea. So is complaining about your back pain or your ex-wife.

But here’s what’s interesting about this question: Why do we assume that our best selves are fake? Why is the “real” you the one who falls asleep in front of the television with potato chip crumbs on her sweatshirt and curses her boss under her breath? As opposed to the one who rescues stray dogs and looks damn fine in a halter dress?

At the Buddhist meditation center where I study, I frequently staff weekend retreats. At the beginning of each program, we’re asked to create an uplifted environment. We make sure the cushions are straight, the flowers are fresh and the dining room chairs pushed in. We wear nice clothes and try to ensure that everyone who comes in the center feels welcome and comfortable.

Are we being fake? No. We’re merely treating ourselves and others with respect. We’re turning our attention not to what others think of us, but to how can we give them the best experience possible.

I think this principle applies perfectly to dating. Too often, dating is presented as a business transaction. We set our terms and conditions (“He’d better pay for my drink or I’m outta here”) and calculate our advantages (“I hope she realizes she’s not getting any younger, whereas I have all the time in the world”).

We try to sell ourselves. Our pitches will vary depending on how confident we feel or how hot our date is. Sometime we take on the slightly hunched or overly slick demeanor of the seller (“I have to get her to like me!”). And sometimes we see ourselves as the “buyer,” with the power to coolly evaluate whether or not this person is worth our time.

Seeing ourselves and others as commodities makes dating stressful and no fun. So instead, why not see the date for what it is: a meeting of two people, trying to connect. Instead of attempting to impress or get the upper hand, why not simply treat your date with kindness and respect? Wear a nice dress. Take an interest in her job. Compliment his wine-choosing skills. Ask if she’s warm enough by the window.

It’s not about scoring brownie points or playing by the rules. It’s about making the evening as pleasant as possible for both of you. That way, no matter what happens, you both win.

This post originally ran on eHarmony.com.

Let Love Come Naturally, Or Treat the Search Like a Job?

Last month, I attended an event where I read from It’s Not You, my book about navigating life as a single adult, when an audience member asked an interesting question. I had said I didn’t think a romantic relationship s something you could pointedly go after, the way you might a promotion or a master’s degree. On the other hand, I was a proponent of online dating. Didn’t those two stances contradict?

It’s a good question, one I hear a version of fairly often.

We seem to take an “all or nothing” attitude about love. So you have the camp that says you have to pull out every stop—every drinks meet, every dating site, every party that your aunt or neighbor promises will be full of attractive single people. With this strategy, you burn out pretty fast, so along comes someone to tell you that love will only come when you relax—stop trying so hard! So you chill out in your pajamas and binge-watch Game of Thrones, and quickly realize that this strategy is pretty flawed, too.

That’s why I like the Buddhist concept of “not too tight, not too lose.” It’s like tuning a guitar—you want to find a place in the middle, rather than an extreme.

It’s great to make an effort—whether it’s spending an evening reading dating profiles, or schlepping to that co-worker’s friend’s birthday party three towns away. The problem is not the effort. The problem is how you respond when you don’t get what you want.

You can control the amount of time and effort you spend trying to meet people. You can control your behavior on your dates—your promptness, the way you dress and how you treat these gentle strangers.

But you can’t control whether the two of you fall in love, or even if you’ll want to go on a second date.

That’s frustrating, but there’s a good news side to it: Now you get to relax. You’ve done the work, time to sit back and let the evening be whatever it is. Maybe you’re attracted, maybe not. Maybe your dinner companion is sweet and funny, maybe tiresome and mean. But whatever is happening … there you are. You’re your life, trying to connect with another human being. If you can let go of “how it’s supposed to be” you might find that “how it is” is pretty interesting.

Who is this person sitting across the table from you, complaining about his ex-wife or angling to figure out your salary? What are her hopes, dreams and fears? What has brought him here to this moment in time, on this date, with you? Even if you don’t fall in love with this person—even if you don’t like this person—you can still be curious. Dating is usually depicted as either light and giddy or bleak and pointless, but I think it’s quite profound. When else do we get the opportunity to try and connect, on the deepest level possible, with a random stranger plucked from the ether? It’s completely bizarre, and endlessly fascinating.

This post originally ran on eHarmony.com.

An Evening of Modern Love at Sixth and I

Last month, I had the great pleasure to read at Sixth and I in Washington DC with Dan Jones, editor The New York Times Modern Love column and author of a terrific new book called Love Illuminated.

Modern Love: Sara Eckel & Daniel Jones from Sixth and I Historic Synagogue on FORA.tv

Overheard at the mall…

Woman: You LIKE this dress?

Man: Yeah.

Woman: But don’t you think it makes my butt look big?

Man: Yeah, that’s why I like it.

Why We Can All Relax And Ignore The Princeton Mom

When I first heard that the Princeton alumni magazine published a letter telling young women that they risked eternal spinsterhood if they didn’t snare a husband in college, I thought nothing of it. People write crackpot letters to the editor all the time. And bright young women have always been told that career ambition will somehow harm their chance of finding personal happiness. Reading the letter was like sitting next to your cranky old aunt at a wedding. You smile wanly and excuse yourself to refresh your drink. I thought nothing would come of it.

I should have known better.  It appears there is no quicker or easier way to get yourself showered with media attention than to say something mean and disempowering to women–bonus points if the women are single.

I’m referring, of course, to Susan Patton, the infamous “Princeton Mom.” Patton has a new book out telling young women that if they don’t get their MRS degrees, they can say hello to their cat-lady future. She also has a lot of incredibly mean things to say about contemporary single women, which could be summed up as “You are all selfish, slutty drunks.”

It grieves me that in 2014 we are having conversations about relationships that involve the phrase “Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?” But, heavy sigh, we are. So here is a partial list of what Susan Patton gets wrong.

The “Good Ones” Will NOT Be Gone

Patton warns that women who haven’t secured a husband by graduation day will face a quickly shrinking dating pool in their post-campus life. The truth is, they will spend their twenties surrounded by single men–today only 20% of adults aged 18 to 29 are married. And, as Lisa Endlich Heffernan reports at The Atlantic.com, when Americans do marry, the average age gap between the bride and the groom is two years. So there’s no need to fret that all your 30-year-old male peers are pursuing 22-year-olds, as Patton asserts.

Success DOESN’T Hurt Your Chance Of Marrying

Patton says men prefer less intelligent, less challenging women. That was actually true in her generation, but it isn’t anymore. Now women with advance degrees are more likely to be married than their less-educated peers. And as historian Stephanie Coontz points out in The New York Times: “New research by the sociologist Leslie McCall reveals that while marriage rates have fallen for most women since 1980, those for the highest earning women have increased, to 64 percent in 2010 from 58 percent in 1980. Women in the top 15 percent of earners are now more likely to be married than their lower-earning counterparts.”

The Longer You Wait To Marry, The Lower Your Chance of Divorce

In Patton’s view, the woman who gets that rock on her finger by graduation day is a big winner. The problem is, by marrying before age 26 she has significantly raised her chance of divorce. Studies have consistently found that the older the bride, the stronger the marriage, and economist Dana Rotz found that that this advantage continues into a woman’s early 40s.

There Is Another Human Being Involved

Telling women their value is in steady decline is offensive. But Patton seems to have even more contempt for men, treating them more like acquisitions than human beings. She wants young women to snare husbands early so that they can enjoy the status and economic security that accompanies marriage. Whether or not you actually love the guy is beside the point.

This isn’t smart–this is cruel. We all deserve to be loved and cherished for who we are, for our essence. Marrying someone simply because he fits the suit is childish, shallow and mean. Fortunately, most women are far too compassionate and wise to do that.

 

Happy Valentine’s Day–Or Not

Remember when Valentine’s Day was about cupcakes with pink frosting and red hots, and shoeboxes covered paper doilies and hearts? Rather than a fraught obligation that isn’t fun for singles or couples?

For those who aren’t feeling Valentine’s Day, I have a few things to say.

First, I did a fun interview with The Boston Globe‘s Rachel Raczka.

I have also expressed many thoughts via blog.

Don’t Fear The Cupid. The Date Report.

Why You Don’t Have to ‘Love Yourself To Find Love. eHarmony.

Alone on Valentine’s Day? Meet Some of My Friends. Huffington Post.

Dare To Date on Valentine’s Day. eHarmony.

 

 

 

 

 

Q&A with The Forward: What To Say When Someone Asks “Why Are You Single?”

I had a very enjoyable conversation with Johnna Kaplan at The Forward. We talked about challenges of unchosen singlehood, the emotional perils of online dating, and what say to when someone asks “Why are you single?” Demystifying the Single Life.

Q&A with The Hairpin’s Jen Doll

On a recent Sunday afternoon, I curled up in my favorite chair and talked for nearly two hours to  with The Hairpin’s Jen Doll. I could have kept going. It felt less like an interview and more like a delightful conversation with a great friend: The Single Woman Need Not Be Eternally Panic-Stricken

Jen has her own book coming out in May called Save the Date. It’s about being a single serial wedding guest, and it’s going to be great!