Michelle N. Files's Blog, page 6

Turn Off The Noise, Turn Up The Love #ChangeTheWorld #HappyIndependenceDay

Noise. There’s so much noise out there, so much negativity, unfairness, and complete darkness. It’s easy to be overwhelmed by it and worst of all to actually believe in its all consuming nature. Hope, love, and faith have become overshadowed, like those ideals are things of fairy tales. But they are just as real as disappointments, despair, and hate. It’s “easier” or at least perceived to be by most, to expect the worst and be shocked by the best. Like good things are miracles of a lifetime and everyone is out to hurt us. Thus we live on guard constantly. We build walls upon walls around our beautiful hearts. We are the ones that put ourselves in dark places. When we peer out from behind our walls we are shocked to find no light or a dim one at best murmuring to ourselves, “I knew it! This is why I hide here in my self-made dungeon. It’s safer here.” Even though we forget we are the fools that put ourselves there.

We allow ourselves to be ruled by pain and fear instead of love and hope. Pain leaves deep gashes in our hearts but once we stop allowing the ache of our wounds to control us and allow the love in we can feel loved deeper than before our heart was wounded. Sometimes we get too busy holding onto the cold darkness of pain that we don’t allow the warm comfort of love in. Be brave. Find a way to let it in.

We live the same way (not giving too much of ourselves to the world) and wonder why nothing changes. We complain about “the problems” without giving thought to a loving solution. It’s easier to run our mouths instead of moving our hands. And for those that are moved to action sometimes it seems like an uphill battle. Don’t give up. Keep fighting the good fight.

As we think of today, our Independence Day, it’s time for us to fight again like our forefathers did. We live in a country of freedom but we choose whether it’s the freedom to be ruled by oppressive weight of negativity or the freedom to go against the grain and turn our country into one filled with respect, compassion, and love. It’s glaringly obvious that a large root of our “problems” stems from a lack of love. It’s time for us to make a change. The solution starts with a smile, a prayer, a hug, or any act of kindness. No good act is ever too small to start a positive change.

We get what we give. We have to expect more to get more.

It’s time we start giving goodness, expecting greatness, and leaving the light of love wherever we go.

For as I’ve seen darkness, I’ve seen light, love, and goodness. Light trumps the dark every time. Love is greater. And I know this because I’ve lived it. I know this because I’m reminded daily of the miracles in my life—the friends who send silly messages to make me laugh when I’m down, the stranger who holds the door open, the hugs received that warm me from the outside in. Love is alive. Hope is alive. Let’s open our eyes to see it, our hearts to feel it, and our hands to start sharing it freely.

Remember:

Miracles happen every day, big and small.

Never give up on your always and forever.

And don’t stop fighting the good fight.

#LoveHugsAndSunshine #HappyIndependenceDay #GiveLove #ChangeTheWorld #ShareTheLove #WarriorsOfLove #DontGiveUp

 

When The Tears Begin To Rain Down #GriefConfessions #NeverGiveUp #KeepRowing

I’ve been out of balance this week. At first I blamed it on all my social activities back to back for ten days. As an introvert I need quiet Michelle time to recover, which I didn’t get until yesterday. And while that might be a factor, after a sneak attack of tears in the bathtub today I realized it was deeper than that. I’ve been highly emotional this week and while I’m a pretty sensitive person these feelings didn’t match up with the things going on in my life. I was edgy, feisty, and a bit mean to those around me. (I apologize peeps—thank you for loving me even when I’m not myself.) But this morning, crying in the bathtub I was able to unravel the culprit.

For 13 years of my life the 4th of July weekend marked an important date—mine and Chris’s anniversary. Tomorrow marks what would’ve been our 5th wedding anniversary. I tried to brush it off like it didn’t matter and I was fine with it. After all, I’ve beat my war on grief, right? I’m writing my grief book, kicking it down my new life path, and truly feel like I’m the best version of myself with every passing day. Sometimes I can be a little arrogant and overly self-confident. This is one of those times. There’s a quote that says, “Grief isn’t something you get over. You just get through it.”

Grief is like an ocean and once you get through the initial storm the waves calm but they don’t stop completely. You just learn how to ride them. This is tough. I’m at a place today where I don’t want to live in the past. I want to keep moving forward. And I want my next real life always and forever to start. One of my heart’s deepest desires is a marriage with someone who will be my life partner, best friend, challenge me, love my OCD tendencies, and help battle life with me. And in return, I want so deeply to be that person for someone.

When I have these moments like today it scares me. It reminds me that I need a compassionate person who will be able to help me through these unexpected grief moments. Then the wicked voices take over and shout, “Good luck with that. You’ll never find someone like that. He doesn’t exist.” Thankfully I’ve learned to tell those voices to take themselves back to the fiery pit they came from. It’s not always easy to do but thankfully God gives me the strength to do it.

Today is one of those days where I feel like I’m on a ship in the middle of the ocean. To the west I see the coast of my past and I love it, long for it, and yet know it’s a place I don’t want to return to. There’s nothing left for me there. To the east, I see the glistening coast of my future. It’s a place I’ve never been but from the sparkle of the sandy shores I know it’s the place I belong. It’s easy to let my boat float back to the west instead of rowing through the choppy waves between me and the eastern coast. But anything worth having in life isn’t easy and it takes work—and sometimes that means work you can’t necessarily see. It’s an inside job that takes lots of time, effort, and patience. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

It’s still difficult for me to understand how I can love my new life and yet miss my old one. How I can still love Chris but want a new partner in crime. My analytical brain has a tough time with that but my heart doesn’t. Maybe one day the two will reconcile or at least agree to disagree. LOL!

The point of my post today—grief, your loss (whoever or whatever that loss might be) is merely a small part of who you are. It changes you but it doesn’t define you completely. Sometimes you need to cry. Sometimes you need to laugh. Sometimes you need to feel all the emotions so you can let them go and sometimes you have to control those feelings so you can function. It all comes back to balance. Everything in life is about balance.

Remember to be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Keep rowing towards your next adventure. And never ever give up on your always and forever.

Oh and have yourself a safe and happy holiday weekend! #LoveHugsAndSunshine

 

 

 

The Question of Why #GriefConfessions #HopeForTheHurting

As I was working on my grief book today I thought these words might provide some much needed comfort. Between all the horrible things happening in Orlando and in my community I’ve been moved to share this.

The question of why. In my days spent grieving I’ve learned there’s no gratification in understanding why. Why did your loved one die? Why were innocent lives taken way too soon? You can ask why over and over and over but in my experience being stuck in the trap of why’s did nothing but frustrate me and continuously re-break my already shattered heart. It was like I kept stabbing myself in the arm and then wondered when I would stop bleeding, when the wound would stop aching. Stupid, right? Yeah, I thought so, too. And stupid is not a way I prefer to describe myself. Hopefully I can save you from the same fate.

Maybe we’ll find out why on the other side. Maybe we won’t. Maybe the reason of why truly doesn’t matter. Maybe it’s how we take this loss and grow. How we take the broken moments of our lives and use them to provide others with a comforting hug, an understanding ear, and words filled with hope. Or merely just letting them know they aren’t alone in their pain.

It’s okay not to understand. It’s okay to want to find a reason but more importantly it’s okay to accept that no reason will ever be good enough. And once you accept that you’ll stop looking for a reason in hopes that it will satiate your pain. It won’t. I repeat, it won’t.

No reason will take away the pain just like alcohol, drugs, sex, or even denial and complete avoidance won’t take away the pain of loss either. Often they just make a bad situation messier, harder, and more difficult on everyone.

I know many of you are hurting, heartbroken, confused, and even angry but take those feelings and use them to motivate you to good acts. Allow those feelings to push you to hold out your hand, to hug the hurting, to help the weary, to just flat out LOVE one another.

If these words helped you at all, please share them. Hopefully together we can start a ripple effect of love and compassion to override the tidal wave of pain and devastation.

#LoveHugsAndSunshine #Prayers #LoveAlwaysAndForever

Do You Ever Wonder What’s Taking So Long?! #MyConfessions

Facebook was so kind as to remind me that Soul Survivor is three years old today. Three years and the sequel still isn’t out. In case you couldn’t tell that bothers me but in case you’ve missed it, there’s a reason for that. I’ve been busy—dealing with loss, struggling in the seemingly unending webs of emotions, and then trying to put myself back together again.

And now that I feel “put back together” (praise God for that!) I’ve been spending my days writing all about it in my grief book. Revisiting those past two years has been emotionally draining, empowering, and humbling. I’ve been combing through my journals, old blog posts, remembering that dark place, and all the victories that came along with it.

I’ve been spending a lot more time alone and even when I’m not sitting with my hands at the keyboard my mind is winding through my journey. I’ll go through moments where I get the itch of loneliness but then I realize not everyone has the luxury of quiet time and one day I won’t either or at least much less of it. Those thoughts put me back into a place of peace. Perspective is everything!

Patience has been one of the most difficult virtues to afford myself. I can easily give it to others but when it comes to myself it’s much more of an issue. It’s a constant struggle of “I want to be there right now” which is followed by “it’s not time yet, keep working.” This applies to every aspect of my life but certainly to my writing. I want so badly to be done this book and to put it out into the world but at the same time I want to make sure I’ve poured as much heart and soul into it as is required. I want to do it the right way, the best way I possibly can.

This morning a thought came to mind, “Hearts take time to heal. Hearts take time to mend.” Everything takes time! It took my heart time to heal and mend and when I see others struggling I want so badly to see them “fixed” which is just the way people felt about me. And in some regards still do—sometimes I think they want my “happily ever after, always and forever” more than I do. LOL! I love them for it all the same.

Don’t Be Afraid To Be Yourself #Motivation #MyConfessions

Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place. -Unknown

Ah those words, they ring so true! Yesterday I realized something and it made me stop and take note. At almost 33, I’m still learning things about myself and every time it’s something deep it shakes me up a bit. The process of un-becoming is a long one. I’d venture to bet it won’t end while I’m living and maybe even continue on after that.

I’m a go with the flow kind of girl (99% of the time) so when I have a “moment” where I realize something that goes against the grain, it jars me. Then methodical Michelle takes over. Do you really feel this way? Are you just scared? Is this because you don’t see the opportunity and you’re talking yourself out of it? Are you trying to save yourself from disappointment?

Once I get through those questions then comes the next set. Does this make me a bad person? Am I being selfish? Is it wrong to feel this way?

Finally I do a “heart check” to see if what I’m thinking sits well with my soul.

Then I go through the process one more time for good measure. (Sometimes I can lie to myself.) I did this last night, prayed about it, and when I woke up this morning I realized my mind hadn’t changed on the matter. I knew my assessment was true and real.

There are two deep desires God has placed on my heart. One I remember from when I was in Kindergarten and the other developed in my middle school years. Those two desires have stuck with me. One was met and then taken away. The other I’m still working on—I’d like to think I get closer to that goal with every passing day.

Why I Write #Confessions

It’s been a weird week. BUT if I’m being honest the more time I spend writing this grief book the more difficult things tend to get. I’ve asked myself why? Why am I writing this? Why do I keep digging up the old emotions and feelings that start to weigh me down? Why can’t I control my emotions and not allow them to move me like they have? Why can’t I separate the past from the present?

Why am I doing all of this? Because I have to. There’s this calling on my heart to write this book. Do you want to know the reason I write period? For myself. Yep, sounds a bit selfish but I write because of this self-serving desire to do so. At first, it was to spin worlds of fictional adventures and romance to get lost in. Now, it’s to share my trials and triumphs. Even when I write those motivational Love, Hugs, and Sunshine blog posts it’s more for myself than anyone else. I have to constantly remind myself to keep my head up. That can be exhausting but it’s necessary.

This week I’ve found myself tangled in emotions yet again! When that happens, my mind kicks into overdrive trying to reason out my feelings. But you can’t always use logic to understand your heart. Believe me, I find that incredibly annoying. I want to understand so I can feel satisfied with the situation and then move on. I need to put that emotion in a neat little box and send it on its way. 90% of the time it doesn’t work that way. Whatever messy glob of emotions I try to put in the box tends to seep out making it nearly impossible to get rid of. Again, super annoying.

I’ve spent a lot of time this week lost in the rabbit trails of my mind—revisiting moments, memories, and not-so-fun feelings. I started to reason to myself, “Maybe it’s because I’ve been spending a lot of time alone this week.” But that’s not it. It doesn’t matter if I’m with people 24/7 or in the solace of my own company, I can still get lost in the great abyss of my mind.

All of those internal activities have left me feeling frustrated, irritated, and tired. I actually took a nap yesterday. I don’t nap! I’ve been wasting energy attempting to understand my feelings, my motives, and trying to wash away emotions that cannot be scrubbed clean. There’s nothing more frustrating than realizing you can’t always understand why you did what you did or why you reacted the way you did. I have to remember that in those moments I was doing the best I could at the time with the knowledge in my head and the strength in my heart.

As I’ve been revisiting the past while writing this book, I realize I’ve been dwelling on mistakes and missteps for fear of repeating them. I can’t stay there. I can’t get lost in the why’s, who’s, how’s, and what if’s. That’s a quicksand of misery I refuse to return to and yet that sneaky stuff was pulling me back down all week. When you allow the quicksand to pull you back in, you get stuck and stop living life.

It’s hard to be assaulted by those old feelings again—feelings you know aren’t true and yet are unable to shake. Sometimes we have to resolve to leave the messes of our past behind so we can forge forward. We have to realize that some things are not for us to understand—even if those things include ourselves.

If you’re lost in the not so fun wonderland of past mistakes and problems, remember you’re not alone. And it’s okay to admit that some things are not for us to understand. We have to trust the forces that be and follow the path set before us. Some days that road is foggy, and some days it is a clear sunshiney way. Regardless, never stop walking. Never stop moving. Never give up.

#NeverGiveUp #WhyIWrite #Confessions

Give Love Don’t Guard It #BeAWarrior4Love

I was told recently that I need to guard my heart. I took those words and let them soak in a bit, turning them over in my head (like I do with everything.) Should I guard my heart more? Is that something I need to change about myself? How do you even do that? Then my heart and head shouted back, “NO!”

My heart is one of my favorite parts of myself—it’s been broken and bruised but it still loves deeply. (Praise God for that!) The world is full of people with guarded hearts. Don’t you see that too? I see people afraid to love—fearful to love themselves and scared to give pure love to others (love that requires nothing in return.)

Love is scary. Opening your heart to your family, to friends, to significant others—that can be incredibly terrifying! With the advice to guard my heart came, “I don’t want to see you get hurt.” Now, I know those words were spoken out of love for me. I’ve heard them time and time again. People have a tendency to want to protect me from the world and I know their need to protect comes from a good place of love and deep affection.

BUT…hurt and pain are real and if you’re living life there’s no avoiding it. I can tell you from experience withholding love hurts just as much, if not more than being burned by another person.

Call me crazy or weird or whatever but I don’t want to be like the rest of the world. Do you?  I want to be different and a part of being different means NOT guarding my heart. I’m not careless with it—I do think things through but there’s a reason the Bible says, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)

I’ve decided I’m going to be a warrior for love—in all its forms. Does that scare me? Heck yeah! Could I get hurt? Most likely. Will it kill me? No, I’ve been through the fire once and while I’m not trying to chase the flames I know I can survive it again. And so can you.

Who’s joining my army? It’s time to be warriors for love. The world needs more of it so let’s open up those beautiful battered hearts in our chests and spread all the love they contain (like a Care Bear stare but way cooler.)

Are You Running the Wrong Race? I Was!

I’ve learned so many things from Chris’s death and every day I find new lessons in my life. This morning it dawned on me (pun intended LOL!) that I spent the years of my twenties running the wrong race and I thought all the stress and worries I carried was just a normal part of being an adult and stepping into “the real world.”

I don’t think that’s true. In reality, I was running the wrong race and all the distractions of life—finances, relationships, education, job, etc.—kept me distracted from seeing the Wrong Way Do Not Enter signs. I was stuck in the rigid line of thinking that I had to do things a certain way if I wanted to be successful and make something of myself. I wanted to make my loved ones proud and I thought there was a specific way to do that—college, career, house, marriage, kids, and the list goes on.

I had it in my head that these were the Rules for Success and if you know me at all I live by the rules 99% of the time. I followed these rules and went through my checklist for success one milestone at a time. While working through my list I was stressed and anxious but I was moving forward. While I love basking in the glow of reaching the end of my checklist, I tend to enjoy the challenge of getting there much more. The distraction of overcoming the challenges in front of me was enough to keep me from assessing whether or not this road was right for me. My head kept saying, “Yes this is going to be great when we’re done!” But my heart was standing there with arms crossed saying, “Whatever you say. You’re the brains of this operation.” *insert eye roll*

I’d come to the point in my life where I’d checked off college, career, house, marriage, more college, and then I found a hobby that made my heart happy. The summer of 2013 truly felt like the point in my life where I started to realize all the other stuff was important and great but writing made me feel alive and fulfilled. I’d never felt more at home with a group of “internet friends” as I did that June at Utopia in Nashville. As a little girl I’d always dreamed of going to Nashville but to become a country music singer NOT for writing.

Seems my heart knew more than my head about that situation. Sometimes I think our brains get a little cocky with all the concrete, worldly knowledge in them that they ignore the heart all too often. It’s easier to believe what we can see rather than what we feel—and yet we can have everything we thought we should have, do everything we think we should do, and still have an unsettled heart. Hmm…guess that heart is an important player after all.

If you know my story then you know my life plans crashed and burned that fall. And as horrible and awful as that was for oh so many reasons it did many positive things for me and one of those was it made me stop. I had to stop running and catch my breath. I sat down on that path and after a period of intense mourning I opened my eyes (courtesy of God’s grace) and realized I was on the wrong path all together.

I looked around and saw the signs my heart had been nagging at me all along but all the wrong turns had left me with responsibilities that in order to uphold I had to keep running in the wrong direction. As weird as this may sound, I thank God and Chris for causing me to take note and change direction to get over on the right path. Now I’m not saying that I don’t look longingly back at those wrong roads—sometimes they intertwine and tempt me to hop back on them. They look easier with their well-worn walkways and well-groomed vegetation. Some days my road looks nice and easy and then some days I’m climbing up the side of a cliff or stumbling over rocks and climbing through thorny vines but it’s the place I’m meant to be.

I hear so many people my age, younger, and even older saying, “I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know who I want to be. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life.” I’m pretty sure they want to throw a shoe at my head when I say, “Follow your heart. Don’t do what everyone else is doing! There’s no specific timeline you have to follow or list you have to accomplish! Go where your heart leads—do what makes you feel alive, what makes your heart sing. BUT don’t forget to take your head with you.” If you don’t know what that special thing is it’s easiest to discern what you DON’T want to do (I’m not saying stop paying your bills or be irresponsible—that’s not cool.) You have to figure out the root of your grief and find ways to change it.

It’s a tough jump from the wrong path to the right one but you can do it! Even if it means you’re crawling through the mud, thorns, and vines to get there like I did. Do it! We each have our own special race—stop wearing yourself out running somebody else’s.

Those Rules for Success you feel pressured to follow are crap. I can’t believe I’m about to say this BUT sometimes you have to break the rules. This is one of those times. God didn’t intend for us to live cookie cutter lives—we’re meant to live and run our own races with our own unique flair and in my case that includes lots of sparkles.

I Challenge You #ItsOn #BringIt

It’s no secret (especially if you’re my Facebook friend) that I adore quotes. I share them at least once at day if not multiple times and that’s with me exercising self-control.

Now there are a few quotes that continually pop up in my timeline that get me a little fired up and feisty. They say things like…

“Pain changes people. It makes them trust less, overthink more, and shut people out.”

Or something about how some people have a part of their heart that’s off limits because of something that happened in the past and because of that they will never open up again.

Oh and how could I forget the ones that talk about the best revenge is–insert some malicious self serving behavior that will do nothing but cause unnecessary hurt.

Right now I’m trying to control my typical eye roll response to these in order to be able to write a decent blog post but I’m struggling. *insert eye roll*

These kinds of quotes and line of thinking upset me because they aren’t true. They’re lies and/or behaviors that aren’t going to do anything but cause pain and more drama. Oh and let’s not forget that not everyone is like that! Case and point not everyone who has been hurt shuts people out!

I have this insatiable desire to show people, to help people, to teach people to live life to the fullest. I want everyone to open their eyes and see that life is so much more than petty drama, working a job you hate (and complaining about it non-stop), and living in the land of self loathing where pity parties are all the rage.

Why? Why do I care so much about this? Because I’ve been there and that place sucks! Majorly! But what I know is that you can change your life. It can be so much better! All you have to do it is start by changing your mind and how you think.

Here’s the best part—you can do that for free! You know I like a good deal! This is seriously the best deal all the way around!

What Love Looks Like

This morning I worked on setting the tone to write the next part of my grief book pulling out all the cards and letters from my colleagues, students, family, and friends. I didn’t get too far along when I had two furry critters messing with my stuff and making me laugh.

However that didn’t hold their attention too long as I continued to cover my living room floor with cards, reading each one as I went. Making note of the ones with extra special messages.

After I laid the last card on the floor I sat and stared, hand over my heart—a heart so different from when I first received those cards—that heart ached but this one dances. Have you ever wondered what love looks like? This morning I was reminded of one example of tangible love—it’s a living room floor covered with cards filled with words of comfort and encouragement. Love looks like this:

One of the hardest things for me to balance is what I need to feel loved. In reality it’s not knowing what I need that’s the issue but actually allowing it in. When I lost Chris, the pain was deeper than anything I could ever explain and with that I slammed the doors to my heart closed. I distanced myself from everyone who loved me. I’m not the only guilty party. We’ve all done it at some point in our lives with members of our family, our friends, our significant others.

There’s a lot of battles you fight when grieving but one of the hardest has been opening my heart back up to allow love in. I used to think I feared love but love is nothing to be feared. No, I fear loss. Every day that fear creeps in, sometimes without my realization and sometimes it comes through the wall like the Kool Aid Man. (Remember that dude? LOL!)

If you would’ve shown me my future before I got married—all the good and the bad, knowing how deeply I’d be hurt, I can say without a doubt I still would’ve done it. I know how deep my heart can hurt but most importantly I know how deep my heart can love.

When I’m staring down the “Kool Aid Man” of fear or the sneaky snake version of it, I pick up my courage and say, “I see you and you aren’t going to stop me from where I want to go.” I might be shaking in my boots but I still take that step forward. Regret is the one thing that aches worse than hurt or failure.

This morning I’m so grateful for your love, your support, your cards, your words, and most importantly YOU. Thank you for those who never stopped believing in me when I didn’t believe I could even take my next breath. I’m so thankful for these moments when I can feel your love. This I know is true:

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails…” 1 Corinthians 13:7-8

#LoveHugsAndSunshine #LoveYouAlwaysAndForever #LoveNeverFails