Michelle N. Files's Blog, page 7

Miracles in the Closet

This has been my first solid week of really digging deep into my book about my grief journey. What I keep referring to as my grief book. (Also for those of you wondering once I get this one penned I’ll be finishing Soul Searcher. I know you’ve been waiting far too long for that sequel!) I didn’t anticipate how discussing those days would deeply affect me. Those close to me know this week I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster ride which included my first legitimate break down in over a year. And boy was that tough to get through! Thank God for my inner circle who’s always there to lift me up.

Today I knew I needed to go and sift through some things buried in the closet—most specifically all the sympathy cards and funeral things. I guess you could call it research for my grief book. As I dug into the tote, that holds wedding mementos, graduation programs, and the funeral things I stumbled upon a few unexpected finds. I found a little bit of evidence—evidence of miracles.

When I started writing this grief book I found the words that hit the page were all the little miracles that happened during the painful days but recently the words have been about the darkest of times where the light of hope was buried in lots of ashes and awful emotions—emotions I started to relive. I was blinded by the bad and I’d forgotten some of my miracles.

Here’s the thing about miracles. They’re all around us every day. Sometimes we notice them—kind words, a warm embrace, birds singing in the rain, sun on our shoulders, a new job, a new love, a new baby, the list goes on and on. And sometimes we miss them completely so wrapped up in our world of busy and noise.

I consider myself to be fairly aware and open to God’s miracles and messages all around but even I get slapped in the face from time to time with the amazing work happening in my life. I stumbled upon a picture this morning one I’d been searching for these past several months. I knew it existed. I knew what it meant to me, but when I saw it, it moved me deeply—again.

I cried happy tears because that picture, that act, that unnecessary kindness shown to me has changed my life and continues to do so. In that moment sitting on the floor surrounded by the mess of boxes and randomness from my closet, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I am so very fortunate to be who I am and where I am today in this moment. God granted me mercy and grace—neither of which I deserved on my own but that’s not how He works.

No matter what you’re going through good, bad, or in between—you are lucky. There’s a plan. There’s a purpose. There’s a way. There’s a future. There’s hope. It might be difficult to see but trust me it’s there.

As I sit here writing this post there’s a lone scarlet cardinal peering out from the branches of the trees. It’s rainy here today—actually it’s been raining here a lot. But that little happy bird sits singing in the tree. He’s wet and alone right now but he won’t be forever. His situation is only temporary. And so is yours. Life is all about change. Everything is constantly changing, as soon as you surrender to that and find a way to go with the flow it gets easier. I’ve got first hand experience in that. Sometimes I have to remind myself to keep moving and enjoy every step. The journey is just as important as the destination.

You’re a miracle and your life is filled with them. Take a moment today and open your eyes and your heart to that.

Oh and if you want to know what that picture and act of kindness is you’re just going to have to wait for the book.

You Are Not Broken

There was a time not very long ago that I thought I was broken. That for the rest of my life because of the things that had happened to me something had to be wrong with me to be where I was. No matter how hard I worked or how well I treated people crappy things still happened, the worst of all being the death of my husband.

I was lost in the land of the brokenhearted. Stuck in a place where I felt like I was beyond repair. Who would ever want me in their life? Who would ever want me around? I felt like a magnet for horrible things, that somehow there was something wrong inside me that caused everything unfair and terrible to happen to me. I felt broken beyond repair. That I’d always carry around this tattered box that contained the shards of my once beautiful heart and now people would know by the sad jingling sound it made as I walked that I was broken. I was damaged.

Here’s the thing—that was a lie. All of it. I may have been momentarily shattered but I wasn’t broken forever. My heart was not shattered beyond repair. There was nothing wrong inside of me that caused the pain I’d endured. Life happens to everyone—no matter who you are.

If you’re feeling like that today, like you’re broken beyond repair or if you’re lost in that depressing dark land of the brokenhearted take my hand and give me your ear. I promise you, you are NOT broken. You might be a little bruised and you might have a few scars but that’s what gives you character. The way you handle those bad things—the heartbreaks, the disappointments, the losses—that is how you put yourself back together. That shows who you really are–a warrior, a champion.

There’s a Reason For This Season #LoveHugsAndSunshine

Tax season (often referred to by us accountants as busy season) is over (woohoo!) but now it’s finals season and then it will be WRITING SEASON!!!! As you can see there’s always a season in our lives—yours probably looks a little different from mine maybe it’s softball season or everything-is-falling-apart season or why-is-nothing-happening season.

Those last two can be kind of crappy. Been there done that. Actually I kind of feel like I’m in the why-is-nothing-happening season and I’m also anxious to get into writing season. I feel like life is kind of in limbo right now—and that’s really annoying especially for the overachiever side of me who is feeling a little stuck which puts me in a funk and then leads to overthinking and over planning and as you can see that’s not a good cycle.

Truth be told I could be writing during finals season but I have this wonderful problem—when working on a project I tend to get lost. Meaning, I lose all track of time and completely shut out the world. It’s an amazing feeling to get lost like that HOWEVER when I have the responsibility of responding to student emails and posting grades it becomes a bit of an issue. Also, I’ve got appointments out the yin yang right now (vet appointments, car appointments, dentist appointments, etc.) since I’ve got to get things back in order with life since tax season is over. Again, woohoo! (I’m so happy tax season is over, can you tell?)

In the midst of finals and appointments, I still can’t help but feel like I’m in the why-is-nothing-happening season. Obviously, things are happening—I’m busy but it’s not the things I want to be busy with. I’m sure you know what that’s like. I’m over here on this mountain of boring busyness staring off into the distance at the other mountain of fun—filled with writing and random adventures—and I’m trying to NOT be Mopey Michelle. No one likes Mopey Michelle—not even me. LOL!

So, I’ve kicked her to the curb. Figuratively of course—I didn’t really kick myself although I did do that accidentally once. Not cool. I’m still working on my walking skills at 32.

The Final Stretch AND a Preview of What’s Next

Good morning!!!!

I’m not typically an early morning blogger or early morning anything for that matter BUT I’m caffeinated and wanted to drop a few lines before I head in to play CPA today.

I’m in the final stretch of tax season! Can I get a wooohoo?

If You’re Hurting… #DontGiveUp #YoureNeverAlone

I’ve felt the shock waves of loss recently with so many people around me being touched by its sharp blade. It breaks my heart. While I don’t know what their unique loss is like (and every loss is unique) I’ve known loss and the darkness it inflicts upon us.

If you’re hurting today this message is for you. Remember in your dark times, you are never alone. Never ever forget that. You’ll feel lonely. You’ll feel abandoned. You’ll feel all sorts of awful things but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE believe me when I say you’re never alone. People will do their best to comfort you with words and sentiments and while well placed they will fall short of healing your pain. But that’s okay.  We shouldn’t expect them to. Besides if I had a magic wand that would heal your hurts I’d be waving it away but we all know it doesn’t work like that.

Take a breath and know that while this hurts now and it doesn’t make sense it won’t hurt like this forever. Our minds like to cling to the negative on a good day so on a bad one it can easily be overrun with acidic, pessimistic thoughts. Fight to ignore them.

It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to get angry. It’s okay to want to hide from the world. Give yourself time to feel and time to heal. But it’s NOT okay to be self-destructive. Take care of yourself. When you feel like you’re drowning reach for help—a friend, a family member, a counselor, a pastor, someone. Don’t be ashamed that you feel defeated—it’s normal. But never give up. It’s going to hurt whether you give up or whether you turn your heart towards hope. Choose the latter.  Don’t give up on healing. Don’t give up on hope.

In these moments, you might wonder where God is or why He let this happen to you or why it had to happen at all. I’m not saying you’ll get an answer and let’s be honest if you did, would it really change the pain? Would it vindicate the part of your life that’s now gone? Most likely, no it won’t.

In these hard times, don’t run from God. Pray. Pray hard. If you’ve never experienced the power of prayer this will sound completely nuts to you but to those of you who have, you fully understand my words. He hasn’t turned his back on you so don’t turn from Him. If you ask for help, He’ll show up. He did in my life and continues to do so. He will do the same for you. Again this isn’t a magical wand type of thing but when you start to feel it you’ll understand the miracle that it truly is. Inexplicable waves of comfort, peace, and strength will fill your heart. Just ask for help.

Don’t give up. I promise the sun will shine again but in the meantime know this is not the end. Love lives on—always and forever. It may change forms but real love never dies. And I’m praying for you—just like so many amazing people have prayed for me.

And I love you. Sending love, hugs, and sunshine. Always and Forever.

#LoveHugsAndSunshine #AlwaysAndForever #Loss #Grief #NeverGiveUp #LoveNeverDies

As I Lay Me Down To Sleep #NeverGiveUp

Last night as I laid in bed tired from the day tucking in my thoughts, a tidal wave of gratitude flooded me. It wasn’t long ago I laid in my way too big for one person bed with my pups tucked in around me enveloped in a pain darker than the blackest of nights. In those wretched nights the only hope I had was that death would visit me soon. During those black nights my mind could see nothing ahead. My future was as dark and bleak as the room I laid in. I curled up in a bed of shattered dreams, the shards cutting into my skin every night, stuck in a broken life. I mourned for more than my husband but also our life together, our future together, and now my future–alone. My blue eyes could see nothing but a black hole of emptiness in front of me. Those desperate nights were filled with tears and pitiful prayers for death and prayers for help.

I will always hold on to the memories in my life before Chris died. But I also cling tightly to the difficult days that followed—not to wallow in them but to serve as a reminder of how far I’ve come. Life can change so much. In a blink of an eye mine changed direction—in a second your heart can be shattered and in another made whole again. I remember being tired of being sad, of the victory going a single day without tears, and somewhere in those days of grief God answered a prayer. I’m so thankful it was my prayer for help and not the other.

Last night as I laid in bed I thought about my future, of tomorrows, and the road ahead filled with so much promise. Adventure, opportunities, blessings, and so many other wonderful things await—both planned and unplanned. I realized that when you expect more, you get more. When you put your faith into action, you move faster and farther than you could’ve ever dreamed. Last night, my heart was filled with joy—an overwhelming feeling of all things wonderful and for no distinct reason except the promise of tomorrows.

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned from these past few years in the power of change. Changing, challenging, growing myself, and polishing my shine has been and will continue to be one of my greatest and most rewarding journeys. I don’t know if you’re in a valley, a plateau, or a peak in your life but hold onto yourself. Don’t give up on your future. You’re here for a beautiful reason. There might be dark clouds obstructing your view right now but they won’t be there forever.

My family, my friends, and most importantly my God didn’t give up on me during my darkness. When I saw nothing, they saw everything. And as I was curled in my bed with my dogs, my notebook, my pen, a few tears of thankfulness, and a full heart of love it reminded me my life was always waiting—through the pain and hopeless tears—my future waited on the other side of those dark clouds. I can see it again. Oh what a magnificent sight! How lucky I am to have a vibrant life filled with such promise!

To my angels who never gave up on me, you have my affection and gratitude–always and forever. And to those of you feeling lost, confused, empty, and desolate—remember you’re never alone. You have so much left to live for. Don’t let those icky clouds fool you. Take care of yourself and when the fog lifts you’ll see you’ve got your own vibrant life right in front of YOU. Be a brave little soldier and expect more. If you’re still breathing it’s not over yet, tell that heart of yours to DANCE again—with time it will.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

#PolishYourShine #NeverGiveUp #VibrantLife #AlwaysAndForever #LoveHugsAndSunshine

That Nasty F Word–Fear #GriefConfessions

I’ve experienced this gut wrenching, twisted feeling lately. It’s been induced three times over the last week. I let it go the first time but after two other panic induced triggers I couldn’t ignore it any longer. So what is this wretched thing that flips my panic switch? Dating. That’s right folks—dating.

And I’m not just talking about being nervous, anxious, or unsure. I’m saying straight up dread. It’s like someone flips a switch and I go from okay that person sounds interesting to “I can’t breathe, I want to cry, and I don’t want to talk to anyone” type of panic. When it happens I realize how irrational my emotions are but I can’t stop feeling them. I can’t shut them off. The other night when they struck I went to bed hoping my induced panic was merely a result of being exhausted from a day filled with tax returns and teaching. But when I woke up it was still there.

That meant I had to deal with it. It took me an entire day filled with texts, emails, and a couple of discussions with my peeps to figure it out. The root of my panic wasn’t dating per se the root was the fear of loss–of reliving all the hurt and pain of losing someone I love deeply.

Yep, I should’ve seen that one coming from a mile away but I didn’t. From the outside looking in my fear of loss would be a blazing neon sign with twenty spotlights on it—I am a widow. But from the inside looking out I couldn’t see that—being a widow is a part of who I am but it’s not everything I am. I’ve got lots of cards in my deck and the widow card isn’t always the troublemaker.

It’s not that I’m not ready for this life step. I am ready to date. I am ready for a relationship again. I know I want to be married again. I want to have that special person to share my life with. And I realized Heaven forbid it’s my lot in life to be a widow twice over—well I’m ready for that too. If God brought me through it once, He’ll bring me through it again.

As if I wasn’t sure enough on my own there’s more to this story. Earlier in the week a song spoke to me. It’s called “Go On Without Me” by Brett Eldredge–you should google it. The song is off his 2013 album, which happens to be the same year Chris passed away. I’d never heard the song before this week. Here’s some of the lyrics:

Every man has his place in time

Everyone has a loved one that they leave behind

And even though I’m not right there with you…

I hope it’s my love that makes you feel that you can get back on your feet yeah I swear you will….

I don’t want you to cry over my memory so go on without me…

Every breath of life is short and sweet

So glad that I’m up here that I got to see you go on without me.

Later that same afternoon something was poking my arm—and I pulled out a tiny feather from my sweater. I don’t have feather pillows. It was weird to say the least but today as I’m coming out on the other side of my latest personal triumph it all makes me smile and reminds me that I’ve got this. I’m not alone. The Big Guy in the Sky has got me covered.

Even though fear is a pretty nasty F word I know one that’s even tougher–FIERCE (bet you thought I meant another F word.)

V-Day PSA #FillYourOwnPitcher

I’m about to give you a glimpse into the kinds of conversations that happen between me and my Mama. You’ve been warned.

While on the phone last night:

Mom: “Who’s going to be your Valentine?”

Michelle: “Myself.”

Mom: “Me, too.”

Michelle: “It’s a good thing I love myself otherwise that would be awkward.” *giggles*

That “profound” conversation reminded me of something. What they say is true, “You can’t fully love someone else until you first love yourself.”

Fill up your own pitcher first, so you can give that love to others! You can’t give from an empty vessel.

Whether you’re single, taken, hitched, or somewhere in between remember to be your own Valentine today AND every day. And if you love chocolate (or chocolate covered strawberries like I do) be sure to treat yourself today! You ARE worthy and you ARE loved. Always.

#LoveHugsAndSunshine #FillYourOwnPitcher #HappyVDay

The Down and Dirty on Staying Positive #ItsAChoice

I’ve been told that I’m a role model/inspiration for the way I live my life and while that’s very sweet and warms my heart that’s a whole lot of responsibility. The truth is I’m just Michelle. I’m not belittling myself by being “just Michelle.” I’m human. I’m not perfect. BUT I do wake up making a conscious choice to be become a better version of myself with every passing day.

Let me tell you a secret, being a true positive person (at least for me) doesn’t mean I see nothing but sunshine and roses–that’s not being very real or authentic. There’s darkness in this world, in all shapes and sizes, and in all places. Being a positive person is recognizing the darkness, dealing with it, and then making the choice NOT to dwell on it. Sometimes this means recognizing the darkness inside of ourselves and finding ways to deal with it and let it go.

Spoiler alert! I’m not Suzy Sunshine ALL the time sometimes I become Mopey Michelle. I’m horrible at hiding my true feelings. I can keep my mouth shut but if something is bothering me it’s written all over my face (sometimes in red) and in my body language. There are dark places inside of my heart. I’ve thought I’ve dealt with those places but sometimes buried in the corners of my heart they remain. When those doors to those dark places break open boy do they wreak havoc on me. Majorly. The worst part of those opened doors is being upset and not understanding why.

Another spoiler alert! I hate crying. After spending over a year in tears every time I cry now it feels petty and stupid. My heart knows its not but my head is really irritated by it. Yesterday I had a really REALLY bad day. I cried a lot. Four separate times. Four times! One time is too much for me but by the time I curled up in bed I was a mix of sadness, anger, and frustration. I even asked myself, “What the heck is wrong with you today?!”

Typically when I feel this way I journal—writing it out works for me but I’d glared at my pen all day unable to pick it up. That’s how twisted I was feeling. Just pile on another layer of frustration—the author can’t even write. Grr. I couldn’t get my feelings out but they were boiling inside me. Then I broke down and texted a friend. Notice how I said that…broke down…I felt broken and crazy and frustrated that I couldn’t figure this out on my own. I have a very difficult time asking for help. I know it’s necessary but I’m much better at providing help than requesting its receipt.

After my wise friend reminded my stubborn heart of the rational side of things including the fact that I wasn’t broken or crazy AND “God did not intend for us to go it alone,” she started asking questions and suddenly it all came out. I’d been digging all day in the wrong place but as soon as I handed her a shovel we dug together and found the root of my discontent. It included two things from long ago instead of just last week. (I knew it was something more than what was in my face!) Suddenly my feelings made sense and I was able to put them (and myself) to bed.

Today I woke up to the most fitting skyline to match my heart, sunshine breaking through the clouds. I took the time to dig up the root of my discord and that freed me. You see positive people make the choice to be positive but every choice must be backed by action. That action is dealing with your emotions, digging to find the root, and understanding those dark and hurtful circumstances so you can let them go and move forward.

I didn’t actively pursue this type of healing until I lost Chris. Because the pain of that loss was in my face it left me with a choice live in misery or face the pain. Through counseling I learned how to face the pain, how to dig beneath the surface, feel all the hurt, and then let it go.

I hope you don’t have to face a situation like I did to realize the healing power of facing your feelings head on. Take a page out of my book, make the time to deal with what’s troubling you, seek out a friend, a counselor, a trusted advisor, someone who can help you get to the root of your troubles. Take it from me, there’s no greater feeling than waking up to sunshine in your heart when you’ve felt nothing but darkness the night before.

Positivity is an unending process—it takes work, dealing with uncomfortable situations, letting go, and walking forward. Being a positive person is a choice backed by lots of action. But I promise you having peace in your heart is worth all the tough stuff.

#LoveHugsAndSunshine #PositivityIsAChoice #FindTheRoot

Lies

I’ve spent the day going through my journals traveling down my emotional road of grief. (I’m working on a book about my personal journey through grief in case you’re wondering why I’d willingly subject myself to that.) I was reminded of lots of dark emotions and the roller coaster I’ve been on since I started logging my feelings in January of 2014. You’ll have to read the book when it’s done to more of those details but I wanted to share something with you today.

As I read through my entries, I realized I was doing a horrible thing to myself—I was lying to myself A LOT. I was letting my emotions, my anxiety, my fears, and my grief spin ridiculous lies about myself, which was splattered on the pages in my own deceitful handwriting. I told myself awful things—like I’d never feel better, I’d always be in pain, and no one would ever want me again. I said horrible things like “I wasn’t good enough” and “I deserved this [the pain of losing my husband].” And I wrote more times than I’d like to admit how much I wanted to die.

I was stuck in a twisted world of absolutes. Something horrible had happened to me and I was trying to take responsibility for it. Like somehow my actions had caused my husband to die. (Believe me I know how absurd that sounds typing it out now but in my head and my heart it felt legit.) All of my pain was punishment for something I’d done wrong and I was paying the price for it now.

I read on and on as I buried myself deeper in pain and the self-spoken lies that nothing would ever change, I would always feel this way, and hoping for the end of my life—what I thought was my only chance at relief. Praise the Lord I was wrong and I can sit here two years after my first entry filled with lies and know better. If I hadn’t had my wise counselor (the one sitting in front of me and the one with a capital C who’s always with me) reminding me and showing me that I was lost in a vicious cycle of self destructive deceit who knows how long it would’ve taken me to get out of that pit!

We all tell ourselves lies—we’re not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not worthy enough, etc. and because of those lies we allow ourselves to make compromises we shouldn’t make. We make poor choices and settle in our pit of dingy dark despair. We get stuck in the “things will never get better” lie. Even when we see miracles worked in our lives we tend to quickly forget that GOOD things that have happened to us and remember the bad instead!

A wise friend has said and will often remind me, “Just as quickly your life fell apart it can be put back together again.” Think about the promise those words hold. Yes, in one second your world can shatter but in one second it can be made whole and sparkly again.

Have you been telling yourself lies? Maybe it’s time you set yourself straight. Make it a part of your daily routine—like brushing your teeth. You do brush your teeth daily right? If not, maybe you should start.