Michelle N. Files's Blog, page 3

Back At It Again #MyConfessions #RevoltOrSettle

I’ve been struggling lately. No doubt about it. You can tell when I’m struggling because I disappear a bit from social media and blogging. It’s my process and it is necessary for me to retreat inward at times. But it’s never where I’m intended to stay.

This past fall life started to get a bit tougher than the norm. My safe places kept getting knocked out and soiled. While this may not have been the intent, God brought some serious lessons out of those situations for me. And I’m very grateful for that.

When the Devil’s at Your Door

There is a war happening around us. We see glimpses of it, in the anger and pain that gets thrown around like little jagged blades of confetti. None of us can completely escape it unscathed.

If you know me, you know how important doing the right thing is to me. No matter what. Sometimes the right thing is a second nature reflex something as simple as saying please and thank you. Not too hard—usually. And sometimes it is doing the right thing consistently without any sight of reward. Those times doing the right thing is fiercely difficult.

I’ve battled some nasty things—loss of a spouse, suicidal thoughts, unworthiness, betrayals, and radically imbalanced emotions—just to name a few. I’ve continuously fought to keep my heart as pure as I can in this world and to not allow bitterness to take root. And just like you, I have more than enough reasons to be bitter with the wrongs done to me.

Evil is a relentless wretch. It always attacks in different ways but the objective is the same—to destroy. Evil has been following me around and knocking on my door step trying to sneak into my home and attempting to plant seeds of bitterness in my heart.

I’ve been worn down these past few months as desperate sickness attacked my loved ones (that’s plural for a reason—more than one person), the breaking of hearts and homes happening to my dear friends, and physical illness has hit me twice when I barely ever get sick. I’ve been stuck along the side of the road in a truck that is symbol for overcoming loss and then yesterday it was rear ended. My life has been a constant roller coaster of dramatically changed schedules and last minute changes. Then when I’m exhausted and weary—physically, mentally, and emotionally the attacks turn inward. Those little evil voices start ripping at the promises God has put into my heart.

I start to question, “Am I doing something wrong? Am I going down the wrong path? Did I hear you correctly, Lord? Am I not praying enough? Am I forcing my will and not yours?”

When I find myself in tears on the floor and finally all the voices in my head stop talking I can feel the answer. The best way I can explain it is this: When you are doing the right thing—truly following God’s plan for your life it settles in your spirit, in your gut. Your emotions and your logic may not be able to reconcile what is happening but your spirit can. That is exactly how it worked for me yesterday.

Has my situation changed? Not necessarily. The facts are still the same but God doesn’t deal in facts—that’s a part of our human construct. God deals in truth and so very often the real truth is unseen, your real truth most likely won’t present itself in black and white typed up in some formal document. No, your truth, your unique path God has set for you, that compass rests in your soul. When you deny your soul your connection with God and THE truth it holds you are cutting yourself off from love. God is not a god of fear and vengeance. God is LOVE. The pain of the world, the sin of this world attacks us but at the end of the day God defends us from sin and grants us comfort in His love.

What’s the point of my post today? To remind you that I don’t always have it together, my life is a complete mess right now—top to bottom and sideways, BUT I’m at peace in this chaos because I trust God. I trust him more than I did six months ago, heck even more than I did a week ago. He did not put the promises in our hearts to torture us. He put those promises and our gifts inside of us because that’s His will for us! I can’t tell you what your promise are but I know they’re in your heart and it doesn’t matter how many times that heart has been broken and shattered—it’s still there. It is still possible.

One of my promises—the one that brings me the most desperation and heartache when I allow doubt and fear to creep in is I want my family—my very own family, more than anything. God built me to be a wife and a mother. I’m working my hardest to get to them and the devil is working just as hard to keep me from them, but he isn’t going to win. He was already defeated when Jesus went to the cross for our sins. In all this madness, I can feel the peace only God can grant me. He is delivering my promises and I’m doing my best to walk towards them.

And so I leave with my favorite words, Never Give up on YOUR Always and Forever. I’m praying for your promises. If you have a moment, I’d appreciate your prayers for mine.

Love, Hugs, and Sunshine

#NeverGiveUpOnYourAlwaysAndForever #TrustHim #BeAWalkingTestimony #WeAllHaveAStory

What I’ve Learned About Healing-Four Years Later #MyConfession #Reflection

Since 2013, October has been my least favorite month of the entire year. It was the month everything changed. Everything. That change was heart crushingly painful. I can tell you four years later, October and I are still working out our discord. That’s how healing works though, with time and effort. Maybe in a few more healing cycles we will be able to come to an agreement with things. I can already see the beginnings of that breakthrough.

Facebook has a wonderful way of reminding you of things with that “Memories” feature. Sometimes that feature invokes aww moments, sad tears, happy tears, and moments of wow.

These past few days I’ve been struck with many moments of wow. Those moments remind me of my progress in this healing journey. Living in the past is not a useful tool; however, revisiting it from time to time has become a tool of great encouragement. It has allowed me to give myself perspective on my interior self and all the ways I’ve changed inside and how those changes reflect on the outside.

What have I learned about healing and the healing process?

The healing process doesn’t stop. This can be seen as encouraging as much as it is irritating. If you have the overachiever disease like me or if you tend to lean on the side of impatience, this can sometimes drive you batty! (Halloween pun totally intended.)

Confession: I’m very competitive and get incredibly irritated when I don’t feel like I’ve hit the level of supreme awesomeness. I’m always aiming for a few ticks above the bar.

This can be a good thing or this can be a really bad thing. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be the best version of yourself and to strive for growth and success BUT there is a problem when you set unrealistic expectations and then berate yourself for not hitting the mark. This overachiever disease as I call it, is how I’m wired internally. This “disease” has kept me moving forward when I wanted to quit and has also sent me back into the throes of darkness more times than I prefer to count. It pushes me forward, propels me backwards, and at times keeps me from moving at all. The whole fear of failure issue (which sometimes can be referred to the fear of doing the wrong thing) can have quite the crippling effect on your life.

But the good news is the healing process continues as long as we keep engaging in it, even if it’s not as quickly as we prefer or as easy as we’d wish for it to be.

Sometimes you have to feel the pain. No one wants to be in pain let alone acknowledge the depth of his or her throbbing wound but it’s necessary. Think about it. If you fall and scrape your knees, do you walk around with blood running down your leg pretending like nothing ever happened? Maybe you do BUT if you don’t acknowledge the wound and clean it, infection sets in. Acknowledging your pain is one difficult task but then cleaning the wound, actually working through the hurt is a whole other level. BUT if you don’t do it, the infection sets in and the pain lingers showing up at unexpected moments. It can cripple you. Cause you to feel like you’re completely losing your mind. You start blaming other situations on your pain rather than the root of your “infection.”

I’ve come to learn my wounds are far more numerous than just the loss of my husband including but not limited to hurts from my childhood. Digging through the trail of bloodstains and scars has been tough but as each pain begins to heal it has grown me, released me, and allowed me to polish my shine. Seriously, if this keeps up one day you guys are going to need sunglasses to talk to me. Hahaha!

The Evils We Cannot See #MyConfession #FightForLove #NeverGiveUpOnYourAlwaysAndForever

I feel like I’ve been extra quiet this past summer. Extra quiet because I’ve been spending more time than usual working hard on my books, spending time with friends facing tough situations, and focusing more time on my relationship with God.

I’ve had a few high moments but in reality I feel like I’ve been fighting harder for the ones I love and for myself than I ever have before. I’ve had a few moments this past year where I’ve found myself in heart wrenching sobs, my heart and soul being torn at by the claws of lies and deceit.

We look around and we can see evil, destruction, and darkness without much effort. Religious or not, I would venture to believe you would agree with me on that. There are bad things happening and people behaving badly in our hometowns, in our country, and in our world.

We find ourselves asking, “How did they get this way?” “How can people believe this is right and just?” “Why?” “What is going on?!” “Where’s God in all of this?”

First off, where does this evil come from? The possibilities are endless but I can tell you from my personal experience darkness, evil, demons, Satan—whatever you want to call it—it starts within us. It starts as a quiet whisper of lies, “You’re not good enough. You’ll never have the life you want. You’re worthless.” The list goes on and on. Whatever your insecurities are I can guarantee you, that’s exactly where that evil voice starts. We are so quick to rally to fight the evil that we can physically see that we forget, second-guess, or discount the evil that tries to rise from within. That’s the evil that wants us to give up, to be selfish, to hurt others in order to save ourselves. And it will attack us any avenue it can.

Sound a little far fetched? Too out there? Too charismatic? Maybe. Maybe not.

Last Fall as I was getting ready to pull all the final pieces together to publish How I Learned to Shine Again, I felt this inner turmoil rise up within me. At the time I thought it was the effects of reliving my grief and acknowledging my fears, but while those were certainly serious influences I can also see it was an attack. The sobbing in the bathtub with an ache in my chest stealing my joy, my breath, and my strength—was a personal attack to stop me. I was about to do something, finish something that would set me free from my grief, that would heal me, and would give meaning to my loss. I even said, “I don’t know how I’m going to finish this, I don’t want to, but I know I HAVE to.” I was about to give my pain a purpose and a purpose that was above and beyond the things of this world. I can see it now, in the eyes of readers dealing with loss—some of those wounds fresh and some those wound long healed over scars. God gave me an outlet and a grace to help others with my story. To show the world He can take horrific things and use them to good. We can’t bring those we’ve lost back to our world BUT we can find a place of comfort and healing. A place where the lost will always be missed but with a fondness instead of an agony. After all, this life is temporary but the next is unending.

This past March I was again hit with an attack that left me clutching the toilet vomiting from the pain of my sobbing from what I can best describe as the shredding of my insides, the slicing of my spirit. That instance was one where evil wanted me to give up hope on my future and my dream of a husband and family. Turns out that nastiness, opened my eyes to that lie and it forced me to seek the next call of my heart. (Which was more Jesus.)

That brings us to September. Another blessed birthday passed and I’m about to check off another piece of my spiritual journey, finding the church home where I can express and grow my faith and relationship with God. I find it of no coincidence that after setting some final dates during the day—on the brink of completing this next good thing, I found myself shattered once more sobbing in the bathtub holding my chest hoping the pressure of my hands would stop the pain. Then I couldn’t sleep. I found myself crawling out of bed and heading for the couch hoping I could sleep there because the empty space in the bed and my empty house was another wave of harsh agony that I was still here, in this place alone. No husband. No family. Just me. Alone.

Even though I know all of this is temporary (the line I tell my friends which they so graciously tell me in return, thank you for that!) I couldn’t stop the burning in my heart. When I say my heart hurts, I’m not kidding. It really, genuinely ached in my chest. Prayers are very powerful. I’ve always said that but I know the prayers of those who knew I was hurting have empowered me by the light of this day. As I was getting ready to head out today these words rose up within me and with it the anger at the evil within thinking it was going to stop me from following God’s purpose for my life. Even now I’m shaking my fist and slamming the keyboard with these words. It’d be pretty comical if I wasn’t so fired up at the moment.

Birthdays, Healing, Patience, & Perspective #Confessions

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these and considering today would be Chris’s 33rd birthday it seemed like it was about time I did. This October marks four years since Chris’s passing. Life has changed and continues to do so in incredible ways with each year.

This morning as I was headed towards my favorite coffee shop after several days of being physically ill and incredibly exhausted (which thankfully isn’t the norm for me) I was thinking about Chris and how much my world has changed since he died. An overwhelming sense of joy enveloped me as I thought about Chris. The man I was married to would’ve never believed all the ways and all the people his life and death have touched, not only family and friends he knew but people he’d never met and with the publication of Shine his legacy is touching the lives readers all over the place. Also writing and publishing Shine last fall truly released me from a lot of my emotional bindings and for that I’m incredibly grateful.

I’m truly blessed that on this day I can fully acknowledge the peace, acceptance, and healing that has taken place since he started celebrating his birthday in heaven. This year I’ve had sorrows and I’ve had disappointments AND I’ve had great magnificent blessings. This is the normal ebb and flow of life.

I found myself sitting in the cemetery in tears lamenting, praying, and crying for the missing parts of my heart (my family.) I’ve sat at home withdrawn and searching for answers with where to go and what to do with my life next only to be randomly answered by the television. The first time it was super weird but then I got used to it. Ask and you shall receive. LOL!

I’ve sat in my special place working away on my writing only to uncover new calls on my life. I’ve sat on the other end of phone calls laughing, crying, and listening in awe as new relationships and chapters were being written right before my eyes.

At almost four years into this new life of mine, a life without Chris, finding Michelle, reconnecting with Jesus, and opening package after package of clues guiding me on the journey to, through, and along my life’s purpose I can’t help but be thankful.

But the greatest gift is the gift of love so many of you continue to give me, in your own ways, at your own time. Some of you think I’m a patient person, CONFESSION I’m not. I’m not as patient as I look to be on the outside. I want so desperately to be done waiting for my own family and instead be living, loving, and growing with them. I want so badly for us to be together under the same roof. I found an email I’d written prior to Chris’s passing that said how much I wanted my family even back then. I’ve been waiting on that dream for longer than I’d recently thought.

I long for the day I can “tell” Chris, “Look at this! Look I have it! I finally have it. My family–an incredible husband and amazing children!” In my ear every time I want to give up and throw in the towel on this dream I hear Chris say, “Don’t give up. Never give up on that. Don’t settle. Wait, it’s coming.” I’ve been blessed time and time again to hear these words from unsuspecting sources in unexpected ways from friends, from strangers, from clergy, and from the TV. Of course you can probably connect that this is where Never Give up on Your Always & Forever has come from.

In the meantime, I’ve been working towards that dream by forcing myself to grow and become the best woman I can possibly be. Which should be no shock considering my over achiever disease.

It’s Been a While Since I’ve Had One of These Moments #GriefConfessions #LoveHugsAndSunshine

There are some things that make absolutely no sense at all. How I can miss Chris and be happy in my current life? How can I be sad and at the same time full of joy? It is possible. I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t felt it myself but I’m telling you it’s legit.

There are so many new happy things happening in my life—in my professional world, in my spiritual journey, and even in my personal life (although those things are not as definitive and easy to explain.)

I went to the cemetery this week. If you’ve read Shine then you know the cemetery has not always been a good place for me. As with my growth, I do see it as a different place than I once did. I don’t necessarily believe Chris “lives” there but if I want to make sure he hears what I have to say I go there.

It was a perfect summer day–sunshine, low humidity, and in the seventies. Those were the kind of days Chris loved. “Perfect riding weather,” he’d say. I found myself in front of his headstone, my butt parked on the ground. I always giggle to myself how the grass on his grave doesn’t grow like the rest. He wouldn’t want to inconvenience people by needing to mow too often.

And so I started telling him about all the great things happening and then the happy tears quickly turned into sad ones. When I start to realize how happy I am in my “new life” it makes me sad because Chris doesn’t have a new life—at least not on this plane of existence. It’s not that I don’t believe Chris has a new life of his own because I do. And I truly believe he is in a place of peace and is free from the strife of this world. But when I start moving forward it’s a reality check. His death really happened. The good things in life are as equally real as the bad things.

As the tears were streaming down my face behind my sunglasses I said, “Chris, I can’t wait until the day I can come here and tell you I’ve got my family.” Those words made me wonder if when that joyful day comes if the sadness will lose its volume. Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. But I realized how badly I want that not only for me, but for us.

I went on rambling about missing his friendship, mentioned a few grievances, and made a few other requests. I looked up from my seat on the ground to the view of the hill with three crosses and a large stone bible a few steps away. I could almost hear him chiding me that it was time to leave.

I stood up and walked towards the large granite bible with a little bird beckoning me over. There’s always a bird. Always a bird. LOL! Written on it was the 23rd Psalm, “The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want…” When I hit the line that says, “he restoreth my soul” the confirmation hit me of Chris’s peace in his new life. I needed that to help me combat the guilt that was starting to rise up.

Then the more I read the more I realized inside those words were messages for me about my situations, my fears, and my concerns. I climbed into the truck and had one last bout of tears before gathering myself to return my world.

What is this grief confession post about? A lot of things but most importantly it’s a reminder that we’re allowed to feel more than one thing at a time, but it can be overwhelming. Sometimes the things we think make sense are false truths we’ve conditioned ourselves to believe. I don’t want to go back in time, I want to be here in this moment. And being in this moment means I can miss the friendship of my late husband and carry a longing desire for the friendship of my next spouse. I can miss Chris and be happy that he’s at peace, all in the same moment. And as weird as it may sound I can be anxious and longing for the day I come to the cemetery and say, “My family found me, Chris. My family found me!”

This Monday would be our anniversary. I wasn’t even consciously thinking about that while at the cemetery. I would’ve never been able to imagine the place I’m at today, nor the woman I’ve become. I would’ve never expected how short our marriage would be nor how much I learned from our years together.

I’m so grateful for every heartache and every victory.

My eyes have been opened as to how my life is not my own. How beautiful it is to recognize my value and my purpose, and that is to share my life with you through my words, my day to day, and in every way I live my life. The miracles that God has worked in my life and continues to work on a daily basis—they are as much for me as they are for you. I hope your eyes are opened to the plans and ways He’s working in your life as well. He loves you, too. Never forget we are all connected. We are all loved.

It’s part of my personal growth to become more vulnerable. Boy is that difficult, especially for the “girl who has it all together.” Looks can be deceiving, dear friends. I don’t have it all together not even close but I’m constantly seeking the guidance and answers so that I can grow. When I’m knocking on heaven’s door I want to know I lived a life of purpose. I lived a life of love.

And loving people means lots of messes and nothing will ever be “all together” but that’s not an excuse to withhold your heart.

Live fully. Love boldy.

#LoveHugsAndSunshine #NeverGiveUpOnYourAlwaysAndForever

 

 

 

Trauma is No Joke #Confessions #NotAnAprilFoolsJoke #FaithThroughDarkness

This past week has been one where I’ve really had to fight the demons of doubt and fear. It been difficult and I’ve felt myself retreating. It’s not like this hasn’t happened before. It’s just been a while since I’ve been on a cycle this rough. (Thank God for that!) Once I realized what I was doing I became frustrated. I don’t want to pull inward and away from everyone. My goal has been to find ways to be more vulnerable and honest. I don’t like to go in the opposite direction of my goals. It irritates me.

Regardless, I spent Thursday this week wanting to do nothing but lie on my couch and do nothing. (Which is NOT me at all.) And then the tears started. I cried Thursday morning went out and forced myself to get some work done and then returned home to find myself crying again. *insert eye roll*

Yesterday I woke up in a much better place and had a good day until I didn’t. Sometimes unexpected things happen (or don’t happen) and it tips the scale you’ve been working so hard to keep balanced.

Trauma. Sometimes things get thrown into your path and that trauma trigger flips your switch. It flipped mine, and in the moment it completely shut me down. From the outside, it’s not too noticeable but on the inside nothing but empty. It’s like someone hit the pause button on me. No thoughts. No feelings. Nothing. While a part of me knew this was happening, that voice of reason wasn’t strong enough to formulate a reaction. It shut down my ability to cope in that moment. Shock had wrapped me up again in its tight grip.

As my world slowly rebooted hours later, I started to realize what was happening to me. As understanding unraveled, those old feelings of dread, those fears, the realities I’ve experienced settled in. The tears came once again. And I was frustrated because again I was wounded. When you’re in pain, it’s difficult to be reasonable. It’s hard to see the light. It’s even harder to have faith. And then come the wicked thoughts. In the midst of loneliness, dread, and fear, I tried to pray again.

When shock had set in earlier, I couldn’t pray. That scared me. Thankfully, later on I was able to pray again but it felt flat and whiny but I tried to talk to God anyway. I resorted to praying for those I love instead of for myself because I had no idea what to ask for or what I needed to help myself but praying for others was much easier.

After a phone call with a good friend and a few more prayers I went to sleep. I woke up at 4:00 am in tears. Once they’d ran their course and sleep wasn’t returning, I picked up my notebook hoping writing words on the page would settle myself enough to sleep again.

I wrote, “I try my best not to dwell in the past. Obviously, I know what I’ve lived—the hardships and the victories. Sometimes it’s hard to swallow the trauma…waking up at 4:00 am in the same dark room I’ve faced many demons in, the same dark room my heart bled night after night in, it’s hard to ignore that ‘muscle memory.’”

There’s this part of me that was disappointed in myself for my reaction. Because I had it in my head that after writing Shine, I’d found a place to capture those demons. I didn’t need to relive their darkness anymore. I thought I’d successfully put that part of me up on the shelf. It’s true that book has allowed me to heal and move forward beyond my expectations. It just sucks when the trauma resurfaces. That loss of self-control and the shock in that moment yesterday, it wounded me again. By hurting me again, it was as if a voice shouted, “You’re not as free as you think you are. I still have power over you.”

In the darkness of night and early morning, I felt disappointed in myself. Irritated that I was human. But this morning, writing this post it reminds me of how wrong that wicked voice is. Because if my trauma still had power over me, I wouldn’t be able to get up and write a blog post for the world to read. I wouldn’t be able to click share and let you see all my vulnerable pieces.

People often wonder how I can be so happy especially when I don’t have “everything I want.” Believe me, sometimes I question my peace and joy. How can I be so happy when there are still so many things I want for my life? I’ve got a two part answer for you—it’s God and it’s faith. God grants me this peace and the more I seek Him the greater it becomes. And faith is all about hoping and believing for what is unseen. It’s not just sitting in “happy imagination land” but about putting into action the good things you are believing for. Faith without works is dead. This blog post is my work, because I know God is making a way where were I don’t see one. He’s growing me and cleaning up the rough edges so I can be ready for the next level.

Last night in my tearful darkness I said, “I know this isn’t going to last forever. I know there’s a purpose. It just doesn’t feel so great right now but I know you are taking care of this.” Years ago I wouldn’t never been able to utter those words. So that experience tells me that years from now I’ll be even better at coping with these rough patches, because He’s strengthened and equipped me to do so.

Have a good weekend, my friends! And remember it’s not failure unless you decide to settle. It really is darkest before the dawn. Don’t give up. And NEVER give up on your always and forever, no matter what that might be.

Do you even see me? #FaithConfessions #LoveHugsAndSunshine #Reminders

Do you even see me? Do you ever feel like you’ve mistakenly put on your invisibility cloak?

Maybe you’re on a date. Maybe you’re out to dinner with a parent. Maybe you’re across the table from your child attempting to pour some great life lesson into them or simply trying to get them to not spill their drink all over the table. Maybe you’re standing in front of your boss. Maybe you’re in the front of the classroom. No matter where you are, I’m sure you’ve had a moment or two where you’ve felt invisible.

There have been so many times in my life where I’ve found myself asking does this person even see me? Sometimes I find myself sitting there thinking do I need a neon sign, flashing lights, and a megaphone? Cause I could get those things if necessary. I’ve already got the megaphone—two actually.

Why I Love Valentine’s Day Even Though I’m Single ;) #MyConfessions

It’s no surprise to anyone who knows me that I love LOVE.

V-Day isn’t about the flowers, the chocolates, the jewelry, or all of those ways the world has commercialized love. You can’t buy love. You can buy lust but true love is a rare thing that cannot be purchased. It is found, fostered, and grown. It is something we spend so much of our time seeking that we often miss the fact it’s on our doorstep.

I’m learning that we need love from different sources—from our parents, our family, our friends (younger, older, and our own age), our significant others, and ourselves. I wasn’t able to fully love myself until I discovered the love that resides inside me through my faith, which has carried me through some seriously awful days and some amazing days, too. I’m incredibly thankful my heart was opened to that love.

Love has taught me that to live a fulfilled, bold life of purpose that I need the love and support of YOU. We are all connected. We need fellowship. We need encouragement. And no matter how independent we think we are, we do our best work when we work together. We need each other.

So like Thanksgiving is that holiday that reminds us to be thankful for at least one day (even if we should be filled with gratitude every day) Valentine’s Day is a holiday to remind us to love. And while all those gifts you buy at the store are wonderful and sweet, remember it’s of no monetary sacrifice to give the greatest gift of all—your love. The world needs more love and I’ll preach that until my dying day or until we live in a kind, peaceful, loving world, whichever comes first.

I know this day can be a difficult day for some. Believe me, I haven’t forgotten those first gut wrenching V-Days after losing Chris. They sucked. And if I hadn’t found a way to love myself or pour my heart into those around me and shift my perspective on this day, then I’d still be in that rough spot.

If this day is a tough one for you here’s a few things that helped me through:

Love never dies. It only changes forms.

Hearts take time to mend. Hearts take time to heal. Be patient with yourself and others.

You are loved. Repeat this until you believe it. Sometimes our heads can be stubborn.

And of course, never give up on your always and forever. Love covers a multitude of sins and hurts. Love heals the soul. I know this because I’m living proof.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Thank you for all the love you pour into my life! I wouldn’t be me without YOU!

#LoveHugsAndSunshine #NeverGiveUpOnYourAlwaysAndForever #YouGetWhatYouGive #GiveLove #FindYourShine

My Confessions on Strength #Faith #DontBeSillyBeStrong #ShareTheResponsiblity #MyConfessions

It’s been too long since I’ve sat down to write, but any absence from the keyboard seems too long. Things have been a whirlwind of busy and beauty both of which I’m incredibly thankful for. Many of you have had the chance to read How I Learned to Shine Again and your responses have been overwhelming. My heart continues to grow in order to hold all the gifts you’ve given me.

Strength. You repeatedly compliment my strength. It both baffles me and warms my heart. It’s prompted to me to consider the meaning of strength.

I used to think that strength meant you had it all figured out, nothing worried you, and you could handle every thing that came your way all by yourself. Haha! That’s a good one! That’s a bit more arrogance than strength. With the passage of time and life experiences I started to believe that strength is knowing you can do everything on your own but not being afraid to let others help you accomplish your goals. Still a little bit of underlying arrogance there.

So what in the world do I think strength is? Strength is knowing we can’t do life by ourselves. It’s knowing that yes we can survive on our own but if we want to thrive we need others. Strength comes from knowing we don’t have it all together—we never will but that isn’t going to stop us from learning and trying to get better with every passing day. But most of all strength is having the humility to ask for help AND to accept it.

You see, strength is all about humility. It is knowing we don’t have all the answers and we need help. For me that help comes from God and when I turn towards Him, He provides the strength. The strength you see in me comes from Him. Yes, I took the step to accept it but it’s not my own power. In the same token, I’ve learned that I need Him and I need YOU. We need each other. We weren’t intended to do this alone, there may be times of solitude but when the opportunity for partnerships, relationships, friendships, or whatever you want to call the give and take reliance with another human being, we must allow it in.

I’ve watched God move people in and out of my life and what I’ve come to realize is I need them. I often say, “I wouldn’t be me without you.” That is so incredibly true. My strength is not my own. It comes from above and is amplified through the relationships I have with you.

It’s difficult to submit to a relationship, to allow another person fully into your life. It’s a process and one that does need to come with some safeguards and lots of prayer. Sometimes we have those divine connections in our lives and there is a level of ease and in those extra special circumstances it’s so effortless we can’t help but question if it’s real. But when that happens don’t run, instead embrace it. Those bonds are the true blessings of this world.

This little illustration comes to mind when thinking about strength.

Have you ever had to carry all the groceries in by yourself? You’re fumbling through the door with bags piled on both arms because we have that “if you can’t do it in one trip you’re a failure” mentality or we’re just lazy and don’t want to make multiple trips to the car. Regardless, you’ve got all of these bags making you three times wider than the door frame and somehow you’re attempting to reach for the door knob, while cushioning the eggs and bread. Then you shimmy sideways through the doorway dodging the pets and/or children attempting to jump on you or trip you as you make your trek from the door to the kitchen. You get the visual?

Your roommate looks at you and asks, “Can I help you with that?”

“No, I’ve got this.” You reply as you attempt to fumble to the counter. Because if you would’ve allowed the roomie’s help you would be admitting “one trip defeat” besides during the hand off they might smash the bread or something.

You reach the kitchen and attempt to untangle yourself from the mess of plastic bags that have now left lovely red stripes up and down your arms. You start unpacking your spoils only to realize you’ve smashed the bread and broke a few eggs. Ugh.

Think about how this looks—silly right and a bit stupid. You just damaged your groceries because you were too stubborn to let someone help you.

What am I trying to say? It’s silly, senseless, and a bit reckless to try to do everything on our own. Let me clarify real quick, I’m not saying you should expect everyone to do everything for you—that’s laziness. I’m saying you have to let people in, let God in, and you’ll find things become a lot less stressful and often times you’ll become more successful. We can accomplish so much more by working together. We start to work smarter and instead of using all of our energy on one task we’re able to spread it into many tasks.

Strength isn’t doing it on your own. Strength is knowing we need help, seeking it, and providing it in return. Strength is humility and relinquishing control. Strength comes from realizing we can do nothing in our own power alone. Strength comes from sharing our hearts and working together—through all of our differences, our insecurities, our desires, and our victories. Strength is shared responsibility.

It humbles me that so many of you see me as strong, because it’s taken a lot of time, experiences, and prayer to get to a place where I can admit I need help and more importantly to begin to grasp what real strength is. I hope we all continue growing into deeper levels of our strength.

Never forget, I wouldn’t be me without you. You make me stronger. I thank God for His strength and yours always.

#LoveHugsAndSunshine #Strength #Faith #DontBeSillyBeStrong #ShareTheVictories #ShareTheStruggles #ShareResponsibility