Michelle N. Files's Blog, page 2

Check Yourself #Confessions #Faith #CheckYourself #Choices #Blessings

Nothing is wasted in this world. I truly believe that. One of the greatest gifts of death is how it causes us to evaluate our lives. It shakes us out of the stupor of plans, deadlines, appointments, and routine throwing the frailty of our humanity in our faces.

That alone is a gift—recognizing the brevity of our life on this side of eternity.

A friend and I were talking the other day about this and it made me stop and check myself. If I died today, would I be okay with that? The answer hit me quickly—yes. Hear me out, I’m not having suicidal thoughts or anything and I’m not unhappy with my life.

These past few months I’ve especially questioned myself, questioned God, and repetitively asked if I was doing the right thing. Nothing scares me more than wasting my life away in places I don’t belong and I was afraid I was doing that. I was concerned I was pursuing the wrong relationships and pouring time and love into people and activities that I shouldn’t be.

My head and my heart and my gut were in constant flux, none of them really agreeing on much. When that happens fear easily overpowers the obvious truth around us. I prayed extra hard and did my very best to do the right things and work outside of my feelings. That’s not easy.

Somewhere in all of this I found myself beginning to center myself to live in the moments of my life, instead of the what if’s. I’ve come to realize I live with lots of feelings of fear and I have my entire life. And that’s okay. It’s okay to be afraid but somewhere in all of this mess that has been my life recently, I kept moving even with fear whispering lies in my ear. I kept trying even when the feelings of despair rose up within me. Fear allows us to measure the depth of our courage and our faith.

How did I get past my fear? I prayed. I prayed so much and I was honest with God about how scared I was about everything in my life. Then I asked for help. And finally I moved. I took a step.

I’ve been more vulnerable in my life these past several months than I ever have. In the process I’ve learned this was a part of my lesson. We find our strength in our weakness. We find our power on our knees. We find peace in gratitude.

Every moment has become incredibly precious to me. You might not see it. I may not make some big announcement about it, but in my heart each moment deeply matters. I’ve driven down back roads wind in my hair thanking God for those moments of freedom. I’ve sat cuddled on my couch with little girls on my lap, thanking God for them. They may not be my daughters but that doesn’t make our relationships any less valuable. I’ve sat next to friends praying in that moment, thanking God for them. Thanking God that He keeps providing people to fill the holes in my heart. I’ve prayed more in the moment than I ever have before. Somehow, that has made every breath of my life feel more significant.

I’ve vowed to myself and to God that I want to live His plans for me and that has meant doing things that don’t always make sense from the outside eye.

So when I thought, if I died today would I be okay with that. Am I content with the life I’m living? Could I leave this earth—without sharing my life with my person, without having a family of my own?

Yes. I am content with the way I live my life. And while I want my person and my own family more than I could ever explain, the fact I’d be completely at peace to die without having them surprised even me.

We don’t get to choose what happens to us but we do get to choose how we handle ourselves. We get to choose to love beyond reason. We get to choose to do the right thing even when it’s tough. We get to choose to wait for the right person instead of the right now person. We get to choose how we are going to learn from our mistakes. We get to choose to apologize. We get to choose to forgive. We get so many choices. That’s a blessing.

Today, stop and ask yourself if you died today, would you be at peace with that? Check yourself. And if not, maybe it’s time to choose to live your life differently. You can choose to change. And if you are at peace with yourself, that’s awesome. There’s a gift a peace beyond explanation in that.

Love, Hugs, & Sunshine,

Michelle

How to Comfort the Mourning #Love #ThankYouPost #Faith #PowerOfPrayer

During times of loss and difficulties, I bear witness to all the types of love that exist. Learning what love is, how to love and be loved, is always inspiring to me. I’ve learned so much about marriage and true commitment, after the loss of my own. I’ve learned even more about true friendship, these last five years than I can ever put into words.

I should know by now to be careful what I pray for, I just might get it. Sometimes I think we pray and pour our hearts out and we find ourselves feeling like we’re just talking to ourselves in an empty, dark room. No one hears except our own ears, but there’s always more than meets the eye. God has consistently shown me how much He hears me. With every confirmation, I find myself awestruck. Maybe one day that amazement will wear off but for now I’ll bask in it.

Some prayers are resolved with a single act, a single answer. Other prayers are answered in a series of events sprinkled through out time. The mysteries of life, of prayer, of God are vast, marvelous, and at times frustrating. How can you put into words something that can only be felt with the soul?

Grace. God’s grace and willing hands are the only way to make that happen.

I’ve had both the burden and the privilege to experience death—up close and personally—the act of it and the business of it. (Wait that makes me sound like I’m a serial killer or something. Not what I meant.

Reflections #MyJourneyContinues #ReflectionAndGratitude #MyHeart

There’s something to be said for reflection in your life. Because of who I am and how I’m made revisiting my life in the written word, in black and white on the page, speaks deeply to me.

While working on my book today, I found myself looking over the last year of my life—my journey to the Catholic Church and all the intricate details along the way. I’ve got a lot more words to get on the page (I’m only about a third of the way into the book) but what I have written is a bold reminder of the transformation of my spirit.

When I see it on the page it causes me to pause and catch my breath. In the midst of life, God find us, teaches us, and transforms us. Sometimes we get too hung up on statuses or degrees or achievements that we forget to honor the real victories in our lives.

I’m guilty of this. I can sit down and quickly rattle off a list of my “have not’s,” my self perceived failures. This October will be five years since Chris passed. It’s been four years since I decided it was time to live again and in those years I’ve grown and struggled, risen and fallen.

I’m still single. I’m NOT a mother. I’m in a sort of limbo with my career. And I’m about to turn 35. The clock is ticking. Those “failures” can easily bring me down and sometimes they do. But then there are moments like today where I find myself crying tears of joy again. Tears of gratitude.

Each of those “failures” once they become successes will contain within them their own sets of obstacles. In reflecting on my life, God sheds a little bit of light on the work He’s doing in me and for me, but most importantly the work He’s using me to do for others. It’s a bit like a cycle of strengthening for all parties involved happening simultaneously. It’s super cool and majorly cray cray.

Looking Back, Planning Ahead, and Living Today #Confessions #GriefEpisodes #ChangeIsConstant

This morning my Facebook memories reminded me that seven years ago today was my bridal shower. Seven years ago I was preparing for my wedding day. Last weekend was spent doing the same thing with my sister. In just two months, she’ll be getting hitched to a very special man. I’ve been calling him Bro for a while now but soon it will be official!

Official Title Doesn’t Equal Importance #QuoteExplained #Relationships #YourRole

Some of the most important people in our lives will never have an official title.

These words spilled out of my mouth without thought the other day, during a conversation with friends. Whenever that happens to me, I know it’s one of those God moments. That phrase is more profound than I could ever come up with on my own.

It fit the situation we were discussing perfectly and then I realized it fit into so many other places as well. I can think in my own life of people who have been great mentors, mother figures, father figures, motivators, and spiritual guides who don’t have an official title. I could say they are friends but friends sounds too generic. The word friend is often loosely thrown around and doesn’t necessary distinguish the depth of closeness and the bond we hold with a particular person.

Looking at that quote in reverse, sometimes the people in our lives with official titles of mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, sister, brother, uncle, aunt, cousin, and so on don’t hold the relationship bonds we expect of them. I’m not bashing anyone here but this is a reality almost all of us have experienced to some degree. Official family titles matter to us. We’ve been raised (even in this messy confused world) to expect the people with those official relationship titles to have a certain depth of closeness and loyalty to us. I could write forever and ever about disappointing relationships with people who hold official titles, from my own experiences and the experiences of others. But that’s not the rabbit trail I’m hopping down today.

Instead take a moment and think about the people in your life who matter deeply who don’t have an official title. Individuals who have deeply inspired and motivated you, pulled you through difficult times, and guided you down the straight and narrow path of “doing the right things.”

I’ve had female figures in my life (outside of my own amazing mother and other women in my family) who have helped direct my steps towards paths of righteousness, justice, and truth. Some were co-workers, some classmates, some counselors, others teachers, and some were complete strangers. Their influences have made me who I am today. In each of their own unique ways and styles, these women have shown me different perspectives, skills, and ways to be a good and loving person. We need those kind of unofficial people in our lives, especially outside of our family to help guide us. The difficulties of life are one of the few guarantees we get on this earth and because of that we need all the tools we can get on how to handle those moments without tarnishing our souls. Grace and strength are both gifts from God and learned behaviors. Other human beings to teach us how to use the gifts God gives us.

I’ve had some very significant male figures in my life as well. They’ve taught me so much more than I can even begin to put into words. They’ve helped break down the lies the world has thrown at me about who a man really is emotionally, spiritually, and physically. One of the greatest gifts I’ve received in my adult life is a greater understanding and compassion for the obstacles men face in their personal lives, work lives, and spiritual lives. Men have just as many unrealistic expectations put on them as women do, but you don’t “hear” that as often. The real men deal with their injustices in silence, behind the scenes as many real women do. The truth doesn’t shout; the truth just is.

In taking a quick glance at these figures in my life, it makes me realize that some of these people could never fully know the depth of importance they’ve had in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I do my best to let these people know how much they matter to me but sometimes I don’t even know what to say to them other than a “thank you” or a “you have no idea how much you’ve helped me.” Those phrases just aren’t enough but it’s the best I can come up with.

Now flip the coin with me. Think about the people in your life, the people you come into contact with, the ones you talk with, the ones you wave to, the ones you smile at. We come into contact with so many people. We have short amount of time with some and lengthy amounts of time with others. I bet there are people in your life, young, old, and in between that you hold no official title with other than “the person who always holds the door for me” or the broadest title of all “friend.” You may be a key influential person in their lives. Process that for a second. Does that make you think a little deeper about how you treat others? (I’m hoping it does.)

We are all connected. The way we act, the way we treat others creates ripples of energy. Are we pelting out stones of negative energy or tossing confetti of positive energy? Are we weighing people down or lifting them up? Whether you want to be or not you are a walking testimony for your gender, for your religion, for your hometown, for your employer, for your family, for an endless amount of things. We are all examples of something. The question is are you going to be an example of goodness, indifference, or hurtfulness?

The world needs more love so why not strive for that? You can be an example of love even when you’re sad, even when you’re hurting. You don’t have to “feel good” in order to show love to others. Love is a choice. Love is an action.

Remember you have no idea what kind of impact you are having on someone’s life. You could be the reason a young person stays out of trouble. You could be the reason a peer sees the truth in a world of confusion and keeps moving through their tough times. You could be the reason an older person doesn’t lose faith in the triumph of goodness after all the difficulties they’ve experienced.

You could be the ripple that starts a tidal wave of goodness and healthy changes in our world, merely with a smile and kind word.

You are the reason love exists in this world, because it exists in you and through you.

You are someone’s most important person without an official title.

Love, Hugs, & Sunshine,

Michelle

Hamster Wheel Problems #Confessions #CaseOfTheSads #PrayingThroughIt #LoveHeals

Do you ever feel like you’re stuck on a hamster wheel? Sometimes you’re running so fast in the wheel that everything blurs and you think you’re getting somewhere. Then other days you can barely move and you recognize you’re inside the same cage with the same wheel moving around and around.

I’ve felt like that lately, like I keep circling the same kind of crap. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed. I stop running in the wheel and start to examine my feelings–which ones are founded in truth and with one are founded in myth and then I go through my “how to cope checklist.” It takes a little time for my feelings to reconcile with reasoning but eventually they do and I lighten up a bit.

Sometimes I just go, go, go and don’t stop to look at what’s bringing my spirits down. When someone asks me how things are going my best response is a shrug. That’s a legit answer because sometimes I have no idea. Last week I stopped for a moment and gave a quick recap to a friend all of the things that had happened in the week. Then I got really depressed, thinking about all of the tough stuff I’ve been juggling slammed me right in the face. No wonder I’ve been so exhausted lately.

When Sunday came so did all the tears. After church, I found myself sleeping the afternoon away and when I wasn’t sleeping I was crying. This is what I refer to as a case of the “sads.” I felt myself starting to shut down and retreat so I sat there and forced myself into praying. That’s tough to do when you can barely think straight. But I did it. (Thank you, Jesus.) Part of that motivation to pray was fear driven because I remember how long I lived in sorrow and that’s a deep pit to get out of. Of course I realize that sorrow was from losing Chris BUT that was a scary, dark place I never want to return to. Remembering that darkness of sorrow gives me enough motivation to look at my feelings and sort things out before they spiral out of control.

As I prayed and asked why I was feeling this way and what the real problem was.

What were my emotions rooted in? It came down to one strong feeling and it’s sidekick. I was feeling helpless and that helplessness was causing me to feel exhausted because I was trying to figure out a way to not feel so helpless. I was looking for something to do, some way to change this situation. I was looking for a means of control. (Crap!!! Not that again.)

Upon that realization I asked myself the following questions, just like I was talking with a friend:

Do you trust God in this? In all of these tough situations are you trusting God?

Yes, of course I do.

If you trust Him, then why are you worrying?

Because I don’t feel like I’m doing enough to help or I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing at all.

Do you know how stupid that sounds? It’s about where your heart is and how you put your hands to work for your heart’s calling.

*sigh*

What do you think God expects of you? What is He asking of you?

To do my best. But what if my best isn’t good enough?

There it is. You’re feeling unworthy again. Not good enough. And you know that isn’t true.

 

I promise I’m not crazy. Okay well I am but self-talk works for me and that’s why I do it.

I can tell you I feel lost. I’m struggling with putting balance into my life. I’m struggling with my desire to help others and with understanding what it is I need to be doing with my time. I struggle between expectation and reality. I struggle between hearing the world and hearing the Lord.

Each time I’ve felt this way (lost/confused), good things came afterwards. But the process of putting one foot in front of the other can become daunting. What if I’m going the wrong way? What if I’m messing everything up in my life by doing the things that I’m doing? What if I’m too busy looking the wrong way that I miss my next opportunity? What if I miss seeing the man I’m supposed to be with because I’m over here doing other things? And then I miss my chance at my family. What if I’m over here doing the wrong things and I miss the next step in my career? What if I have to go back to work that sucks my soul because I missed my next financial opportunity?

Here’s the thing. All of those what if fears are pretty much bullcrap, because those “what if’s” carry zero weight if I’m fully trusting God with my life. Sitting here on my couch writing this post, I’m having a difficult time seeing where this path for me leads, because our humanity often makes us shortsighted know-it-alls who actually know enough to be dangerous but certainly do not know ALL.

Since last fall things have been tough. Watching those I love fight sickness is hard. Watching the way people wound the ones they love (often because of their own personal fears) sucks. I’ve found myself on my knees praying and crying for others more than I can ever remember.

I’ve gone through days without hearing or seeing any kind of word or evidence of God’s workings. And I’ve gone through overwhelming days filled with vivid dreams, signs, and bold responses. Through all of this, I’ve found I’ve gained more compassion and new perspectives.

But Sunday, I was sad. And it’s okay to feel sad sometimes. My sadness didn’t keep me from enjoying a Sunday evening with my family and homemade ice cream.

So maybe I’m not really stuck on a hamster wheel. Maybe the troubles on this path are just taking longer to get past than I expected. Some lessons must be taught slowly so you don’t have to keep re-learning them. Maybe these are those types of lessons.

Am I still tired? Yep.

Am I still moving? Yes.

Am I attempting to find the sunshine in these clouds? Absolutely.

Experience has taught me the sun always shines behind the clouds. When things look gloomy, faith reminds me to carry my sunglasses because I’ll be needing them soon enough.

Why is it so Hard to Believe the Good? #RelationshipFails #FriendshipFails #MyConfessions #Pride #Dating #RealLove

Something hit me the other day in the course of conversation with my peeps. Why is it that we so easily to believe the bad and have such a difficult time believing the good? Let me phrase this another way, why do we hitch our hearts to people who are bad for us? Why can we so easily convince ourselves that someone who isn’t right for us is perfect for us? But we cannot fathom that the person who is perfect for us is really the one?

Why do we get ourselves tangled up in potential and instead of the person who’s actually in front of us? Why have I done this in the past? (And not just in dating but in friendships too.)

First of all, I want to believe I can help this person reach his or her potential. I want to watch them become who I think they can be. Where’s the true motive in this though?  When he or she is determined to remain at their current level of potential why do I take it so personally? Think about it, why should I be angry at someone for not being who I think they should be? First of all, I “think” I know best. And secondly, I want to believe they will love me so much that they will change for me. I read that and I cringe. That sounds awful!

The anger I’m feeling comes from not being able to exert control over someone to be who I want them to be. That anger comes from pride. That is not being a person motivated by love. Who says that my way is the best way or that my way is the only way for that person to be his or her best?! Reality check, I don’t know what’s best for anyone. Heck sometimes, I don’t even know what’s best for myself. It’s the whole take the stick out of your own eye before you try to take the splinter out of someone else’s lesson.

We should help people NOT with the motive of changing them or turning them into someone else. We should help people become comfortable in their own skin. That doesn’t mean we pepper them with empty compliments, it means we allow them to be the person God created them to be even if we don’t understand what that actually entails, we continue to point them to the source of their answer.

We cannot become enablers to behavior that results in self-harm. If it is a detriment to human dignity then it’s not good for you, me, or anyone. Also the reason so many people find “I’ll pray for you” so insulting is because it comes off as a judgement and not an act of love. How many times have you prayed for someone to change with your own intentions in mind as to how God should do that? Selfish and judgy much? We shouldn’t pray for people to be the person “we think” they should be. We should pray for people to become who they were created to be and for the grace to help those people achieve that. We should pray for people to find their purpose, their salvation, their peace, and their place. That’s sounds a whole lot more like a prayer of love rather than judgement.

Becoming and doing the things we are meant to do with our lives is not easy. Most of the time people won’t be able to see the dream that’s been put into your heart. Most people won’t understand why you do the things you’re doing to get there. I can often see the confusion in people’s eyes when I try to explain my motives and dreams. Heck sometimes its so deeply rooted in me I can’t even form the words to explain it. Regardless, how can they understand when my dream isn’t meant for them. We are all designed for our own special purpose.

And here we are, another blog post that comes back to love . I know, I know. That’s all I ever talk about. I’m so hearts and flowers all the time. *insert eyeroll* LOL! Actually, real love isn’t hearts and flowers. Real love doesn’t make it’s own way. If you look back on what I just said, when I’ve picked people who weren’t right for me (in love and in friendship) I’ve tried/wanted to change them. I’ve had to “force” my way.

Real love isn’t chocolate and roses. (Although if you love me and want to send me those thing I won’t complain

Real Love. Real Life. #WorldOfTheLiving #LoveIsReal #LoveJustFlows

I never knew how much I didn’t know about love until I set forth on a path to understand it. If you walk into my house you will find the word love all over the place–quotes and scripture and even in marquee lights. I love love. It’s how I’m built. Sorry, not sorry.

Verge of a Nervous Breakdown or Peace in the Storm #QuestionOfTheDay #Easter #Confessions

I was driving home last night recounting my day, my to-do list, and my life in general. There’s so much happening around me right now. I was thinking to myself, “I should be more stressed out, these are deeply difficult issues.”

Yes, that’s me the over thinker, thinking I should be feeling something even though I’m not. Then it hit me rather boldly amidst everything that for the first time I truly had no idea, no plan, no preconceived notions about what my future should look like. Then I asked myself, “What do I want for my future?”

I drove along the dark roads searching my brain and my heart for the answer while avoiding deer and raccoon. (Multitasking at it’s best.) What do I want? In that moment of searching I realized there’s been an unraveling of sorts happening within me.

What do I want? The first thing that comes to mind is my partner, my best friend, my spouse, my person to build and share my life with. But in the calm of that moment I realized I had no idea what that would look like. I’ve stopped trying to construct deadlines, potential family photographs, and future holidays moments. All of that involves imagination and with my imagination being such a strong part of my nature it’s shocking that I’ve stopped envisioning those things.

Why? Maybe because those visions were too vivid and when reality returns it causes me deep pain. Maybe it’s because I’ve learned it doesn’t matter how I think things should work, they will work out in ways beyond my imagination so why waste my energy conjuring up a fake reality. (Unless I’m writing books with fictional characters.) The truth is I belong in the present moment. I belong in the now. My energy belongs to today.

I’ve experienced first hand how fleeting life is. I’ve experienced death and all its after effects. There are moments and experiences I could never put into words. Moments of great sorrow, moments of deep blessings, and moments of irrational peace. I have felt the space between what is seen and what is unseen. There are indescribable emotions, knowledge, and an unexpected wisdom in that place.

My journey has been unconventional, but the more people I meet the more I come to understand all of our lives are a bit unexpected and unconventional in one way or another.

In musing over my life and the insane amount of peace I was experiencing. The amount of suffering in and around my life should have caused the tears to roll, but instead I was questioning my lack of “feelings.” (#OverThinkerProblems)

I’ve been on an intense journey of faith for several years now. A journey that started with the loss of my husband and a loss of every plan I’d made with him over our thirteen years together. Past the sorrows of loss, I deeply remember the feelings of unworthiness. I truly believed that I was being punished for something. Punishment was the only concept that would reconcile the pain I was experiencing. I had to have done something deeply wrong to bring this sort of aggressive reprimand on my life and not only mine but to my husband and those who loved him as well.

That faulty thinking screams fake news. I could psychoanalyze my “bad” thinking with you for hours, but there’s one theme in particular I want to look at here.

Being a woman of faith, I’ve come to learn getting closer to God, finding my true path, and pursuing His will for my life does not mean that the pain and sufferings of life will disappear. Pain and suffering is real. It is a part of life and if you’re looking for religion to make your life shiny and perfect well you’ll be sorely disappointed this side of heaven.

If you believe Jesus is the Son of God, there’s a connection to woven here. He did all the right things and treated people with a radical deep love and was crucified for it. He suffered for no true reason, at least to the rational thinking mind. He was ridiculed, misunderstood, alienated, disregarded, physically assaulted, and he was innocent. Just like Jesus, we are going to face crap that we didn’t ask for. We are going to deal with pains and sufferings no matter how often we do the right thing. (This sounds super positive, right? LOL!)

Suffering is a part of life. You don’t have to have a spiritual affiliation to recognize that. Yes, sometimes we do things and make poor choices that bring consequences on us. But if you’re doing the right thing and suffering shows up at your door step, it’s not necessarily a punishment rather a by product of the world we live in.

Where’s the sunshine here? Because this post has gotten seriously dark pretty quick, right?

What happens (or at least has happened in my life) is the closer I get to God the more peace I experience in the sufferings. I can be sad, angry, hurt, and yet somehow there’s this overlying sense of peace and comfort. My emotions are still the wild beasts they’ve always been but how I manage and approach them has certainly changed. Each time I find myself tangled up I pray. Inevitably within a day or so, sometimes within the hour the distress settles and I’m able to see beyond the feelings and believe beyond the rationale of my brain.

Faith is a beautiful gift. You don’t need much of it to be able to move mountains.

The good news here, I’m not in the midst of a nervous breakdown (at least I’m 99% certain I’m not. LOL!) I woke up today with a sense of peace and joy beyond the difficulties. The facts and circumstances remain the same (and in some cases are getting worse) but I have a hope that continues to grow.

I know, how can this make any sense?! For me, it is a prime example of the peace that surpasses understanding. Maybe you have a different assessment. Yes, I know I’m a different kind of bird—God made me that way. Sorry, not sorry.

On the Quest for What’s Next #Confessions #Faith #PolishingMyShine

There are moments in our life where we find ourselves searching for a sign, for validation, for some form of the truth. We’re looking for that pat on the back that bit of praise and positive reinforcement that we’re doing the right things with our lives, our careers, and our relationships. Sometimes we get those confirmations and they almost make us fall off our chairs. And sometimes we don’t.

I consider that to be a part of our human condition. The need for approval. The desire for direction. I’m just as human as you are. I feel that, too. I want so badly to do the right thing that sometimes I get stuck on what I think is the right thing instead of what God is showing me to be the right thing.

I can rationalize my “right thing.” In my mind I can map it out and see exactly how this will or won’t work out. (Even as I type that I’m rolling my eyes at my arrogance in those words.) I can’t always rationalize God’s “right thing.” And that makes it incredibly frightening and illogical. For a woman who seeks reason, logic, tied up with a bow that tugs at my heart strings it makes things quite difficult.

You would think by now, I would’ve have settled into the adventure that comes with not only seeking God but following His commands. He’s asked me to do things that continually stretch my comfort zone and sometimes He throws things right into my path that I can’t ignore. I’m forced to look at it. *insert eye roll* So annoying, yet so necessary.

In How I Learned to Shine Again, I document the transformation of my inward person (and eventually outward person.) Through the unraveling and processing of my grief I found my way back to Michelle and in that process I rediscovered my faith and relationship with The Man Upstairs.

Good relationships are continuously changing and growing. Jesus and I have really been on quite the adventure together. He’s always refining me, polishing my shine so to speak.

If you’ve read any of my posts, you’ll find I’m very open and honest about a lot of things happening in my life. Our story is not our own. Stories are meant to be told. Lives are meant to be shared. And somehow my confessions of life’s hardships not only help me but through God’s grace they help some of you. (This continually amazes me.)

You know I’ve been praying for my family for a long time (even as a child.) But in order to get there, I’ve had to do a lot of work on me. I’ve had to overcome many things from finding my self-worth to overcoming my distrust of men. I’m so grateful God has moved so many honorable men into my life as evidence that good, quality men exist. Those men are great blessings. (Those of you reading this know I mean you.)

My heart is finally at a place where it is truly open to this dating thing. How did I get there? By doing “crazy” things that God asked me to do, like becoming Catholic and working on my relationship with Him. Every single time I’ve tried to approach dating it’s felt wrong for a plethora of reasons. I’ve read books on dating, talked to people about it, and it lead me to one conclusion: There’s no real formula for this. There’s no procedure to follow. No “right way” to do this. Well that made my head hurt. I couldn’t figure this thing out. How do I meet people? Who do I give my precious time to? And then it hit me. Don’t do this your way. Don’t do it their way. Do this God’s way.

I’ve come to learn I have no idea what I’m doing. BUT whenever I follow my gut (which to me is where God speaks to us) it leads to wonderful things. This is tough because often times our gut doesn’t align with our feelings (stupid feelings) or our mind (over analytical meanie head.) Because of that most people will have no idea why you’re doing what you’re doing or how that’s even going to work out. People will worry about things that don’t matter distracting them from the things that do matter. You must be careful NOT to fall into your “people’s” pools of worry.

I’ve come to trust God more than myself. Each day that trust grows through prayer, scripture, worship and good friendships. With the whirlwind my life continues to be, I’ve been able to witness God working in it and through it and that has helped me to take this leap of faith. I’m determined this go around I’m not picking my men. I’m leaving that job to God. He knows me better than I know myself anyways.

How am I going to do this? Well, so far my plan includes prayer, listening to my gut, and stepping out of my control and into His flow.  This is going to be a relentless process of letting go of the wheel. You know me, I’ll let you know how this all goes.