Michelle N. Files's Blog, page 5

How to See the Amazing in Every Day #GriefReflections #MotivationalThinking

Last week will go down in the history book of Michelle as one of the best weeks of my life for more reasons than I can count. My heart spilled over with love and joy that caused lots of happy tears. Even more tears than that video I posted last Monday. LOL!

Before you start thinking, “Great. It’s another one of those she has the best life ever posts. Everything works out perfectly for her. Blah. Blah. Blah.” Keep reading, please.

Somehow the Light Gets in #GriefReflections #Gratitude #AugustBirthdayBabes

August is a month filled with the birth of so many amazing people in my life both past and present. Today we celebrate one of my favoritest people, my mama and next week is Chris’s birthday. I’ve been a little mopey this week. Getting back into the groove of teaching and all of my peeps busy with other commitments, I’ve spent more time than usual at home.

Even so, I’ve accomplished some super cool things this week and made some plans that even when I tell people about them I think how is this my life?! In a positive way.

Once Upon a Time in Frankenmuth #NeverGiveUp #GriefReflections #RealLifeFairyTales

Once upon a time in Frankenmuth one hot August weekend, I went to a ball, danced with princesses, met beautiful people from all different lands, indulged in delightful treats, sailed aboard a grand ship, and visited the Enchanted Forest. No, seriously I did all those things, in real life, last weekend in Frankenmuth, Michigan. I have pictures to prove it. See!

For my reader and author friends, it’s an event you MUST add to your 2017 calendar. Stacey Rourke and her court did a fabulous job with putting together an organized, family friendly, and incredibly awesome event! (Here’s the link. Check it out! http://www.onceuponabookauthorsigning.com )

As I sit back in my castle…ahem I mean my home this Monday morning reflecting on the beautiful weekend and all the changes in my life I can’t help but feel a little overwhelmed. Fairy tales are fabulous. I grew up with them—Beauty and The Beast, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, etc. I adore all they represent—trials, triumph, and most importantly true love. But real life fairy tales, they are my favorite.

It was just a couple years ago I was barely getting by–struggling to wake up, fighting to keep moving forward, and wishing to disappear. Grief is a major jerkwad and finding a way to grieve and heal, well that’s like slaying the greatest dragon in the land.

I thought a lot about Chris this weekend—between finishing up my grief book, promoting it, and being in such a breath-taking place I couldn’t help but think about him, our life, and all the ways mine has changed these past few years—the new people and the crazy adventures.

I really believe I have a fairy Godmother (or Godfather) working behind the scenes waving a wand for me. How else could I have transformed from who I was to who I am now? Inside and out. How else did I get to go to a ball? Have these opportunities to travel? I’m so grateful for the Big Guy in the Sky and all He’s done for me. I like to think Chris is standing next to him with his “to do list” nudging him along. He was always good for that.

I Never Expected To Be Here #LoveHugsAndSunshine #BeHappyToday

Have you ever thought that? Have you ever said to yourself, “I never expected to be here?” When I think about my life and all the plans I made for myself and I stop and look at where I am today I never expected to be here.

I never expected to be a widow—a single thirty-something starting life over again. I never expected to have a life where I didn’t have to crawl out of bed before the sun came up and sit at a desk all day. I never expected to change from a shattered, broken person into a shiny, new, positive one. I never expected to be here spending my summers writing and taking random adventures. I never expected to be able to laugh again. I never expected to love standing in front of a room of people without a single nerve twitching while I spoke. I never expected to be happy again and yet I am. I never expected to be here. Did you?

We all have these plans for our lives—how they should work, where we want to end up, how big of a house we’ll build, the kind of person our significant other will be, where we’ll work, the places we’ll vacation, the kind of businesses we’ll start, the number of kids we’ll have (or not have), the routines we foresee, etc.

Even before my life fell apart and I had to rebuild, I never thought I’d be this person. I thought I’d spend my life doing the usual cycle and somewhere, at some point everything would reach perfection. At a certain point everything would fall into place and life would be easy. (Ha! Ha! Yeah, twenty-something Michelle was pretty clueless. Let’s learn from my naivety.)

Perfect and easy are two things life will never be. Never ever ever EVER! I’ve talked to young people, people my age, older people, mature people, retired people, all kinds of peoples and if I can learn a single thing from their experiences it’s that life is hardly ever perfect or easy. They may have perfect, easy moments but never a lifetime of them.

I have no idea what you’re looking at today or what kind of battles you’re facing. It could be health—emotional or physical or it could be financial or it could be a pile of broken relationships. I’d venture to say you’re even thinking, “I never thought I’d be here.”

But here’s the good news! We have a choice. We can take that negative “I never thought I’d be here” thought and we can it a positive one. We can wallow in our woes or defeats OR we can bask in the glow of all of life’s little victories. There’s always something positive that comes from our pain—sometimes it’s difficult to see in the heat of the moment but with time it will reveal itself.

And while I never thought I’d be here— a single thirty-something on a Saturday morning sitting on my couch writing a blog post about life in my pajamas while being serenaded by snoring dogs, I am. And I’m so grateful for this life I never expected to have and the peace and joy that at times overflows from my heart. At the same time, I’m incredibly grateful for the life I had before this where Saturday mornings were spent making breakfast to the sound of some random automotive TV show (or whatever stuff Chris was watching.) And one day when my Saturdays no longer look like they did back then or how they do today, I’ll be grateful for whatever picture they paint. Life is unexpected but that doesn’t mean we have to be upset about it.

If you’re feeling down this morning or maybe a little meh about things, make some time and find a little sunshine in your life. It’s there, sometimes you just have to change your perspective. Stop putting your happiness on hold for some goal or benchmark in your life, instead be happy now. Be joyful today. Whistle while you work—it makes the job more enjoyable and the journey to the next level seem quicker.

I never expected to be here and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

My Bleeding Heart #YoureNotAlone #Grief #KeepMoving

My heart bleeds with sympathy, with the ache of loss, and with the hurt of this world. My heart bleeds for my community and the way death has made its brutal appearance known. My heart aches for those left with memories of a person no longer breathing. My heart aches for the battles they face today and the ones waiting in tomorrows. There’s truly a deep ache in my chest for all the loss. Tears don’t glisten in my eyes but when death knocks on the door I think of those left to deal with the aftermath and the ache returns to my heart.

I was editing my grief book yesterday and while I felt such a sense of accomplishment for how many pages I got through it leaves me with a rawness. I don’t want to talk nor do I have anything to talk about. It actually leaves my head empty and that’s bizarre considering the amount of thoughts I have in a day. I don’t text my friends and I barely socialize. I don’t feel sad merely quiet almost void of emotion.

There’s been another wave of losses in my community and with each one it triggers the same response. A bleeding, aching heart. Maybe if I could cry for their pain the ache wouldn’t reside in my chest. Or maybe that ache has become my defense mechanism to keep from backsliding into that dreaded, dark world of grief.

Regardless, I feel your losses. I hurt for the children who lost a parent, for parents who lost a child, and for significant others who lost their love, and every other relationship lost to death. I deeply and profoundly hurt for you and with you.

One of the biggest reason I’m even torturing myself with writing my story of grieving is so  that you know you’re not alone in your suffering and to show you there is redemption and healing ahead. It happens, but right now isn’t the time to think about that. When you’ve lost someone, the most important piece of advice I can give you is to feel. Feel everything. Cry. Get angry. Hug one another. Whatever it is you need to do. Allow yourself to feel this but don’t forget that these feelings are temporary. There is hope for healing. Hope for so many wonderful things.

Today if you’re mourning a recent loss or one that’s lingering, please remember you’re not alone. Don’t give up just yet. Keep fighting through the pain, eventually the rain will subside and you’ll be able to find light within the darkness.

In the meantime know I’m praying for you because that’s the greatest gift I can give. Prayers saved my life and so I’m passing that along. Life changes but it goes on because love never dies. And since love never dies, neither do we. We merely change forms.

#ThisIsTemporary #LoveNeverDies #KeepFighting #KeepMoving #YoureNotAlone

It All Balances Out #MyConfession #EverythingReconciles

Confession. I’m a Virgo. I like structure, plans, rules, and balance. I guess that’s why accounting was an obvious choice for me early on. I like organization and being able to put things in order and in nice neat little colored coded, alphabetical boxes. While I love happy surprises I struggle with the unexpected. I despise not knowing and spend too much time trying to figure out the present, the past, and wishing I could see the future. I’d dare to say there are a lot of you in the same boat I’m in.

Let me tell you a secret in case you haven’t figured it out yet. Life does not work like this 99% of the time. Annoying, right? *insert eye roll* I’m constantly fighting my nature to put my life in these little boxes which is completely ridiculous especially when I know that I myself don’t fit into a box. When someone asks me what I do for a living it’s a whole ten minute explanation. I’m a CPA, an accounting professor, oh yeah and I write books that have nothing to do with accounting. Then the weird looks and questions ensue. LOL! Sometimes I get so stuck on who I should be versus who I really am, which is ridiculous when my career doesn’t even fit into a neat little package. That’s why I often say “I’m just Michelle.” I don’t know how else to put it.

Then there’s this whole thing of balance. I get a dorky thrill when a reconciliation works and I can get numbers to balance. I’m constantly searching for that cut and dry, double underline (where the numbers equal) kind of balance in my life. I want things to equal out. Sadly life isn’t a ten minute bank reconciliation or a nice short and sweet balance sheet. (Bear with my accounting lingo for a moment. It holds a purpose.)

Life is messy. It’s a pile of papers, photos, and random sticky notes all over the place. As soon as we get everything organized and in a manageable mess someone opens the window and the papers go flying everywhere. (Sometimes we want to punch said person in the face, but that’s not nice so don’t.

Pulling Weeds #ItTakesTimeToBloom #GriefConfessions

Last weekend we redid the landscaping in front of the house. It was overrun with weeds and I even had a big poison ivy plant growing. Mom taught me that if you don’t get the root of the weed out it will keep coming back. I’d pulled those weeds numerous times and sprayed them but those pesky things are persistent. They kept coming back! Sometimes it takes a lot of digging and pulling to get to the root of the weed.

We spent an entire day digging out the old mulch, weeds, and poison (thanks to my amazing family for all of their hard work.) Once we got all the old junk out we had to go through the process of laying down new plastic-paper stuff (to keep the weeds from growing) and then we started dumping the bags of rock where the mulch used to be. After four trips to Home Depot, a lot of sweat, weird sunburn marks, and cleaning out a truck bed of white rocks, we finished the job at 10:30pm. Talk about a long day but it was a successful one!

That’s exactly how my yesterday went except all the work being done was on the inside. If you read yesterday’s post, you all ready know it was a tough day for me, but there’s nothing more frustrating than not being able to find the root of my tears. I have to find the root, dig it out, before I can move onward. If I can teach you any tool about how to release yourself from pain, that’s it! You have to find the source, feel every emotion it’s giving off, and lay it to rest. Yesterday mine contained a lot of anger. :/

After I wrote my post I thought maybe I’d cleansed myself from grief and I would start feeling better. But it turns out there was more root to dig out. I’d only managed to pull the top off the weed. So it sat there firmly planted messing up my pretty landscaping. Irritating, right?

There’s nothing more frustrating to me than crying without being able to understand the cause. I kept thinking I’d found the root but instead I kept pulling tiny weeds around the actual problem.

When I look back on my life there’s marked moments of joy and of pain from childhood to adulthood. When I worked through the landscaping of my heart I would often plant new flowers in the weeds, because I didn’t have time to deal with pulling them or sometimes I just didn’t know any better. As I continued to grow and change my landscaping, I would pull a few weeds, lay down a new layer of plastic and then plant more on top. Then the biggest storm I’d ever seen came through and ripped up the layers of plastic, dirt, and flowers leaving a huge mess I had no choice but to deal with.

Writing and revisiting the storm, its damage, and all its clean-up has shown me which weeds I’ve pulled and like yesterday it exposed a few of the roots I missed. Deep rooted boogers that tried to disguise themselves and hide beneath the plastic. But with a little teamwork I found them! (Ha! Ha! Take that you nasty roots!) And most importantly I pulled them out. It might’ve taken me until 10:30 at night to get to them but I did. I can be relentless when I need to be.

Sometimes we allow the weeds of life to overtake our hearts. Those weeds can grow into an out of control mess of thorny vines and poison. The roots can get in deep and keep our heart from growing and blossoming. Sometimes the mess is too much for us to clean up on our own but that’s why God gave us professionals, good family, and amazing friends to help. All you have to do is ask. Sometimes all you need to say is, “Things are such a mess. I don’t know where to even start.” Let your team into your heart and with some hard work and determination you’ll have a beautiful blossoming landscape again. And don’t get discouraged if it takes time. Hearts need time to mend. Hearts need time to heal. Just like beautiful flowers need time to grow and bloom.

Your Life Isn’t Here. Go Home. #GriefConfessions #NeverGiveUp

This post is for those of you suffering in silence. Those who are hurting so badly that you can’t even reach out to someone because you don’t even know what to say. All you know is that it hurts. The only thing worse than hurting is feeling the ache of emptiness and not being able to figure out why or how to even begin to process it. It’s tough finding out what left behind the crater in your soul and facing those demons. I can commiserate.

I finished the first draft of my grief book yesterday. There’s still more work to be done on it but that was a magical milestone for me. I was on cloud nine practically bouncing around the house footloose and fancy free and then today happened. Today feels like hell and not just because it’s 90 something degrees outside. It feels like great inferno of black flames on the inside. Overnight the darkness seeped in.

I’m unsettled, sad, and my waterproof mascara has greatly failed me today. There’s nothing more “attractive” than trails of black tear stains flowing beneath a pair of summer shades. I went to the cemetery for no other reason than it was the only place I wanted to go to. When I was upset the other weekend I wanted to pay a visit to the big rock on the ground but I didn’t get the chance. I’ve felt pulled there since.

I pulled up, hopped out of the truck, and stood in front of his name. My mind a blur of nothing and everything. I had nothing to say. Usually I at least have a few bones to pick or a good question to throw out there but today zilch. I stood there the breeze rustling through my sundress with an empty head and an aching heart. I was feeling lost. It was as if I was looking for a safe haven from the negative voices in my head because I couldn’t muster the strength to shut them down. As I stood there looking for direction I heard words echo within. “Your life isn’t here. Go home.”

I climbed back in the truck, leaned my head against the wheel and lost it once more. After I’d cleaned the black streaks from my face I headed home. “Your life isn’t here. Go home.” Those words still echoed in my mind as I crawled into my bed to hide beneath the covers. The tsunami of feelings crashed inside. Anger. Sadness. Weariness. Confusion. Frustration.

I didn’t spend much time in bed this afternoon thanks to the unsolicited texts, calls, and Eclipse needing me to take him out three times in less than twenty minutes. Once the feelings settled a bit I do what I always do and asked myself, “What is going on with you? You’re stronger than this.” Today was one of those days where I just wanted to cry but then when I started crying I was mad about the tears. These are the days I wish I could turn it off.

So what is going on with me? That dang book is what’s going on! It’s almost done and that’s incredibly exciting and equally frightening. When it’s complete it will be a solid tangible collection of words documenting some horrific days and some heartwarming days. Days filled with nothing but tears and days where I felt nothing but emptiness. The great black abyss of unfeeling was both infuriating and a welcome reprieve. And then came the days of victory, when my chest became light again and I could feel love deeper than ever before.

Finishing this book is going to free my mind and my heart from holding on so tightly to all those moments. I’ll be able to shuffle those years off to the side to fully make room for the years of my future. Just like the words I heard, “Your life isn’t here. Go home.” I’ll be able to settle into my new life. I’ll be able to go home again.

It’s hard to distinguish the root of all the tears but they certainly contained the roller coaster of emotion residing between the pages of that book.

If you’re having a difficult time fighting down the darkness today, you’re not alone. Even a Suzy Sunshine like myself gets bogged down with the fight. BUT don’t you dare give up. Find a healthy way to get those nasty feelings out so you can move past them. Your future is bright and it’s full of wonderful things as long as you keep moving. Never give up on your always and forever, even if you can’t see it right now I promise you it’s waiting patiently on your arrival. Who knows, maybe we’ll bask in the glow of it together one sunshiney day!

 

#GoHome #KeepMoving #NeverGiveUp #GriefConfessions

I Know Your Not So Secret Superpower ;) #WordsArePowerful #ShareTheLove

When I published Soul Survivor I remember saying numbers are safe but words, words are risky. I was referring to stepping out of my comfort zone and sharing my words instead of my number skills. Numbers, math, and accounting that stuff is second nature to me, BUT words they take a lot more work and include so much more feeling. I can hide behind numbers but when words hit the page you’ll always find a bit of my soul there. Sharing your soul, that’s not being vulnerable or anything. No biggie. *insert MAJOR sarcastic eye roll* Talk about frightening business!!!!

On the flip side, words can be liberating and healing. Our words, spoken and written hold great power over ourselves and others. How many times have you thought “I wish I would’ve said that” or “I really shouldn’t have said that?” Yesterday I had a moment of “I really shouldn’t have said that.” I didn’t even say the mean words directly to the person and I still felt incredibly guilty about them. The words I spoke were out of hurt and disappointment but they were harsh. I don’t want to be that kind of person, but in that moment I was. And that disappointed ME. :/

Typically, I have more “I wish I would’ve said that” moments than the other. While those don’t sting quite the same way they still bother me. When I’m in a deeply emotional conversation my words don’t always roll out. I’m just not wired that way. I’m a person who needs to listen to the speaker and store their words (and my responses) for a later time after I’ve been able to think them over a bit. There’s nothing more annoying to me than thinking I should’ve said that or I should’ve asked this. I hold my words but watch out when I’m ready to let them roll. I’ll have a lot of them.

You’re Doing it Right When You Have to Fight #StayPositive #SeeTheGoodInTheBad

Back in the really rough days after I lost Chris when I watched too much Netflix and scrolled through Facebook incessantly I remember stumbling upon this quote.

“God is up to something good or the devil wouldn’t be fighting you so hard.” ~Unknown

I laughed to myself and with sarcasm said, “Well I must be bound for something really great as hard as he’s fighting me.” *insert eye roll*

For whatever reason those words stuck with me even though I thought they were just some empty words to make people feel better. It wasn’t reality but merely lip service. And it certainly wasn’t working it’s magic on me—at least not that day.

Call it the devil, the enemy, the forces of darkness, or just life itself it doesn’t really matter how you refer to it—we know what it’s like to be attacked by “it.” As time passed and I climbed out of my pit of grief those words would resurface from time to time. If I wasn’t going the right way, doing the right things, I wouldn’t have adversities, right? But at the same time I was so exhausted from the constant battle with my emotions and the outside world I wanted to give up. I wanted to quit, but I wanted greatness, happiness, and success, too. You can see how this created a bit of a predicament.