Michelle N. Files's Blog, page 10

Fear Factor – Fight Your Fears

Fear—one of my least favorite emotions. Fear motivates us to either take action or hide in the corner somewhere. It turns on the fight or flight response. My fears have been rising to the surface a lot lately and its most likely because come Monday I will be full swing into real life.

I’ve looked forward to 2015 for months and now it’s time to make things happen. To work my butt off and be productive. To take action!

But fear being the Debbie Downer it is keeps trying to pull me under so I thought I’d do what I do best…I’d make a list. I know right? I’m a major weirdo but it’s a way to control, organize, and attack the issues head on. So, here I sit compiling a list of my fears. I’ve come up with 12 so far—two professional and the other ten personal. (Way more fears than Tobias/Four in Divergent. I’m not that cool or that sexy. LOL!)

Here’s a glimpse some of them.

I’m not author material. I don’t have what it takes to make it in the market. I don’t have the content, the skills, or the follow through to make it. And by make it I mean make enough of a living to keep the lights on.
I’ll waste a year of my life reaching for crazy dreams that sound better in my fantasies than in real life.
I’m wasting my life. I’m missing out on something or someone.
I’ll let the people I love down.
I’m deluding myself about EVERYTHING.
I’ll have to survive another loss equally or (if it’s even possible) more heartbreaking than losing Chris.

I know what I would say to a friend if they posted these fears but I’m not seeking words of encouragement rather  giving you a glimpse of the crazy notions that run through my head. I can’t be the only one, right?

I’d like to tell you a poetic story that I wrote all these fears down on paper and burned them to symbolize their destruction but…

#1 I’d most likely burn myself and

#2 inadvertently set my house on fire

I’d rather not have to explain to the fire department and homeowners insurance company how I accidentally set fire to my home. Not cool. Maybe I should add burning down my house to the list?

The first step in conquering my fears is putting them in black and white–some surprised me, some didn’t but now I know. A study noted that people who wrote down their goals were 42% more likely to achieve them. I’m hoping by writing down my fears I’m upping my chances of blowing them out of the water. Even if my fears become a reality, when/if they do it won’t matter anymore. I won’t care. I will have broken free of the fear shackles. A girl can hope, right?

We’ve all got fears just like we each have the power within us to conquer them. I’m suiting up and getting ready for the first battle of many. Hopefully the FIGHT will win out over flight. #FightYourFears

From tears and heartache to joy and optimism! Hello 2015!

As I sit here at my desk reflecting back on this year, it’s astounding how a woman who rang in 2014 with tears and heartache is ready to jump into 2015 with joy and optimism. If I hopped in my time machine and went back to December 31st, 2013–I’d never have believed I could be in this place–smiling and laughing freely. There’s no doubt one horrible moment changed me forever but that moment no longer defines everything I am. Surviving tragedy doesn’t mean you’re bound by the shackles of its pain for the rest of your life. No, it’s just a storm on your path of life. The scars will always remain and sometimes the grief still takes my breath away but that’s okay. I can reflect on the constant flood of memories with a smile rather than a bleeding heart. That’s a miracle of epic proportions.

In sending off 2014, I have to take a few moments to share my gratitude for your hand in this miracle.

Thank you to everyone who held me in your thoughts and prayers.

Thank you to those who embraced me when I ugly cried.

Thank you to those who sent kind words and encouragement when I needed it most. (You have no idea how many times in the darkest hours you saved me.)

Thank you to those who refused to let me spend too much time alone in my house.

Thank you to those who managed to make me laugh through the tears.

Thank you to those who just sat with me–no words necessary.

Thank you to those who kept my house in order, my pets fed, and my belly full when I couldn’t.

Thank you to those who listened and reminded me that it was not only okay to be sad but it was a necessary part of healing.

Thank you to those who believed I would get through this and gave me hope for a better tomorrow.

Thank you to those who said I was strong even when I didn’t believe you. (FYI – I believe you now.)

Thank you to the Big Guy in the Sky who continues to provide for me–great opportunities, amazing people, and most of all who put the joy back in my broken heart and the sparkle back in my eyes.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, there will never be enough thank you’s in the world for all you’ve done for me.

In looking ahead, I must confess I’m not one for New Year’s resolutions mostly because they’re quickly forgotten and left in the mess of confetti come the afternoon of New Years Day. However, goals are something I can get on board with.   I’ve got lots of things on my list for 2015–books to write, classes to teach, and even some tax work (I know I can’t seem to escape that menace.) Also, I’m getting healthy–I’ve already started and continue to add new habits for success. But the most important goal I have for 2015 is to live and I mean really live! I’m going to try new things, meet new people, push my limits, spread positive vibes, and shine as bright as possible. 2015 is my year of freedom and I can’t wait!

I wish you a 2015 filled with love, hugs, and happiness! Happy New Year! I hope it holds all you dreamed of and then some!

Motivation Monday #HaveFaith

FINALLY after a year and a half filled with some super CRAPPY things and some super AWESOME things I finished (and sent to my editor) the first draft of my second book–Soul Searcher!!! I’ve been talking about it for quite some time and was starting to wonder if I’d ever get it done. With life dragging me down and the story giving me way too many feels it was hard. I had to take a break from it more than once BUT I did it!

How? Well besides my amazing support system. It was faith. I had faith in myself. It doesn’t matter if you’re writing a book, going back to school, starting a family, or starting a new life–no matter what you do have faith.

When the chips are down. Have faith.

When the storm rolls in. Have faith.

When you can’t get out of bed. Have faith.

Faith in yourself and others the greatest give you can give. Yeah, you might let yourself down or others might disappoint you. But keep the faith and you’ll see there’s no greater gift than looking back at where you stumbled to reach the mountain top you’re standing on now.

Don’t give up. Have faith in yourself and remember I have faith in you.

If there’s a friend in need of a pick me up today or if its yourself take a moment and tell someone you have faith in them. #ShareTheLove #HaveFaith #MotivationMonday

The End of an Era-The Start of a New One

Today is a special day. A day I didn’t expect to ever come and certainly not this soon. This time last year, I was a mess—a mess of mixed emotions, numbing tears, and a fuzzy head filled with grief.

I’ve wept more tears in the last year than I hope to ever cry again in my life. Sobbing is awful but it was necessary—for me at least. It was the only physical way to empty out the pain in my heart so it could start to heal.

So I cried. I prayed. I screamed. I cried some more. I threw some things. I went to counseling. I cried. I prayed again. This was my life on repeat for the past year. And in between all of that stuff I was trying to work and teach and write and be a functioning person—not necessarily for myself but for those who worried about me. If it was up to me I would’ve spent it all in bed. It was incredibly difficult, but somehow I did it. I survived.

And then somewhere between the tears, the prayers, the screaming, the counseling, and the passage of time—something began to change. I started to heal. The Chris shaped hole in my heart began to scab over and eventually scar. It wasn’t an easy process—that scar bled and re-scabbed over and over again—with every first without him. First Thanksgiving. First Christmas. First New Years. First Valentine’s Day. First Anniversary. First Birthdays.

And all the other sneaky firsts you can’t plan for. Like the first time I drove to our friends house alone. Or the first time I was away from home and had a funny story to share with him. Or the first time I made his special recipe without him. Or the first time I had to check the box “single” instead of “married.” You can’t prepare for those kinds of first. They hit you hard and fast.

Now I’ve hit the newest phase, being ready to put some of his things away. It started with his hat—that now resides in the truck he always wanted—the truck I bought this summer and drive around town with pride. (I never thought I’d love driving a truck so much but I do. I understand why he wanted it so bad.) Then after weeks of debating I put away his helmet. Something I’d kept close and within my daily sight to remind me he wasn’t coming home again—because I needed that physical reminder. I put it back in its proper place in the garage last weekend.

These might seem like small things and maybe they are but to me they are incredibly signigicant. After the one year mark hit, so many things began to change. One by one burdens started to lift and while thinking about how long he’s been gone pains me it also reminds me that I’m still here. I’m still breathing. I still have to live—for him and for myself.

Spending my days and nights lost in our life together, drowning in regret, feeling guilty for things I did or didn’t do, and so many other dark things—the time for that has passed.

Does that mean I won’t cry for him again? Absolutely not.

Does it mean I don’t miss him every moment of the day? Certainly not.

Does it mean I don’t love him anymore? Most definitely not.

Does it mean I’ll ever stop grieving his loss? Not until we’re together again.

BUT It’s time to live again. To breathe freely. To take risks. To laugh. To dream. To hope. And maybe one day even love again.

Today, I’m packing up the past and putting it in my suitcase. I won’t forget it but I know it will be there from time to time for referencing and safekeeping.

It’s the end of an era and the beginning of a new one. I’m marking it with this tattoo.

It will reside on my foot to always remind me of where I’ve been and who I’ve loved. I’m letting him go today—something I once thought meant leaving him behind but that’s not what letting go is. Letting go is being at peace with things—not forgetting what happened or the person he was but being grateful that he was here and a part of my life.

Letting go frees us both. He’s helped me find my peace and I know he has his. I look forward to the little reminders that he’s checking in on me and hopefully keeping me on the right path. Believe me—I can use all the help I can get with that!

I love you, Chris—always and forever. Thank you for reminding me to love myself just the same.

*Just a note—I share my journey because I feel compelled to. I’m just an ordinary girl dealing with the hand I was dealt. We each have our own cross to bear. Don’t expect your journey to be the same and don’t measure your journey with the results of mine. We’re all different. One thing I’ve learned is you have to be kind to yourself and do WHAT is right for you WHEN it is right for you. Don’t let anyone dictate your choices especially when grieving. It’s your loss, your pain. It is true that no one knows exactly how you feel—losing someone is a unique experience because every individual is a unique person. Accept that while one day you say “never again” the next day you say “maybe someday” and that’s okay. You’re allowed to change your mind and your feelings on things. I share because I want you to know while you feel alone—you’re not. And if my pain can give someone hope—then it was worth something, it honors the man I loved in life and in death.

Motivation Monday

I’m sitting her tap-tap-tapping away at the keyboard and Hailee (from The Hybrid Chronicles) reminded me of something. Bravery. She’s currently questioning hers and I’ve recently found a little bit more of mine.

Whether you’re feeling like Hailee, myself, or somewhere in between. Take a moment today and remember:

1. You’re Tough!

2. You’re Wonderful!

3. Never Give Up on YOU!

And if you’re still doubting yourself remember you’re a brave little soldier and I believe in you.

If you feel so inclined, take the moment to tell someone why you think they’re brave. Because sometimes we can be incredibly blind to our own greatness.

#ShareTheLove #BeBrave #MotivationMonday

Friday Night Poetry #Sunlight

Sunlight

And now I stand in sunlight

The clouds have come to break

I think of those who helped me

Pull me from its wake

 

Now looking back I can see

How strong the storm made me

 

The weight of all my worries

No longer course through my blood

 

The shelter friendship gave

The umbrella passed along

Kept me on the track

Of surviving this great storm

 

I know not what lies ahead

More storms may rumble on

But no longer does it matter

For your love has pushed me on

 

No one should ever endure such a horrific storm

 

For no reason could suffice

The loss of such a precious life

 

But some things in this world are not for us to know

 

So when the storm finds your path

Remember what I’ve learned

The strength within your heart

Is greater than you know

 

When the winds drag you down

I’ll reach out my hand

You’ll pull yourself up

And begin again

 

The bumps they will be plenty

The rains will whip and roll

Though it all seems endless

Never give up hope

 

For it’s not the storm that changes you

It’s you that changes the storm

 

And then you’ll stand in sunlight

The clouds will come to break

You’ll think of those who helped you

Pull you from its wake

 

New Beginnings

You might be wondering why I’m sitting at home in my PJs and not playing CPA all day. Well here’s the scoop…

With all consenting parties in agreement I was able to start my journey into full-time authorhood a month and a half ahead of schedule with some tweeks. Woohoo! November 10th was the first Monday in 8 years that I didn’t have to get up and go play accountant. I’m now officially full-time author, part-time CPA.

I’m utterly terrified and yet for the first time in a long time I feel better–as much like myself as I possibly can all things considered. It’s no secret how tough this last year has been and I pray that I never have to experience anything like that again BUT I’ve learned I can survive anything because of the wonderful people in my life.

While I was writing away the other day I had this moment of complete peace–a moment where I knew this is exactly what I’m supposed to do. It felt magical, spiritual, and completely divine.

I hope I’m able to pull this off because returning to a 9-5 would be brutal after realizing how free and content I am in front of a screen, tap tap typing away in my PJs of course.

For those of you who’ve been worried about me being in this house all day, don’t be. This is where I belong and while I had some concerns myself I’m starting to get adjusted to living in this house with Chris. I credit the three furry children who are constantly by my side as being a big help with that.

Everything about this feels right and I’m so excited! It’s time to write stories and with any luck this time next year I’ll still be sitting here weaving more tales of love, friendship, and everything in between.

Isn’t that what life is all about? Finding our place, finding our purpose, and making things happen. And mine is right here.

I hope you’re ready to share this new beginning with me because the journey is no fun without beautiful people like you to share it with.

Buy books and help kids! JuMP on it! ;)

My little sister (some of you have met her at book conferences) is on the board of directors for a local organization called JuMP (Junior Mentoring Programs.) JuMP is an organization very similar to Big Brothers Big Sisters that services the Eastern Panhandle of WV. According to JuMP’s website, they serve at-risk children between the ages of 6 and 18 who are primarily from single parent homes, grandparent headed homes, homes where one or both parents have been incarcerated, or low income homes.

Side note: My sis is the youngest member of the board pretty cool, huh? I might be a little proud.

Now, here’s where the books come in. JuMP is currently having an auction of all kinds of cool stuff from custom artwork, photographs, spa days, and of course BOOKS! *claps* You can bid on a signed copy of Soul Survivor and some miscellaneous goodies. Plus II saw a few signed Jennifer L. Armentrout books while I was browsing the auction. (I might start a bidding war on those pretties.)

Now you might be saying that’s all well and good Michelle but I’m no where near West Virginia. NO WORRIES! Most auction items can be shipped to you for an additional fee if you win the auction (just check the details for each auction item at the bottom of the auction page.) Here’s the links so you can bid away if you so choose.

Signed copy of Soul Survivor

Some JLA books.

Happy bidding…remember its for a good cause so don’t hold back!

If you want to read more about JuMP check out their website HERE.

A special message for you. Yes that means YOU!

Tonight will mark 365 nights I’ve slept without my husband next to me. It’s been a year since he left this earth taking a Chris shaped piece of my heart with him. I relive those final moments with him more often than I’d ever admit.

The house is so quiet…if not for the shuffling of the dogs and cat I’d lose my mind in the silence. As the realization hit that I’d survived my first year without him the sadness pulled me down yet again. How could it be? How can I still be breathing? My heart still beating? I thought about him all the time while he walked this earth so it should be no surprise how much he still remains on my mind. Memories are both a precious gift and a tortuous curse.

My loved ones have asked me how I do it and manage to keep going through my pain. I’ve sat and wondered just that. They compliment my strength, which is a hard thing to believe when you feel so torn apart and completely lost inside. Good or bad, you can’t see inside my head–the struggles, the thoughts, the memories, the things that make me smile, or the things that make me wish for death. A year is such a short time and yet it seems so long.

I’ve spent many nights praying, many nights wondering how I keep surviving day after day. And I’ve realized it’s you. Yes, you. It’s your prayers, your thoughts, your warm wishes. I feel them, the love and the power within them every day but most especially I’ve felt them this week.

In the random Facebook messages from old classmates, an unexpected text to see how I’m doing, a phone call, an invite out, a hug, a shared memory, a smile from stranger, an e-mail from a reader, a conversation with a student, and oh so many more instances than I can count you manage to share your love and support. I cannot deny the higher power working behind the scenes and how each of you makes me feel loved at the most desperate of times.

Since my unwanted quest into widowhood, I’ve learned many things:

People say really stupid, inconsiderate but well meaning things. (Any sentence starting with “I know how you feel” never ends well.)

Tears can literally burn.

Grief is a crazy witch with a ‘B’ that sends you into dark places.

Memories are beautiful and incredibly bittersweet.

I’m not the only one who’s lost someone so precious.

There is so much more to this world than our eyes can see.

And I hate taking out the trash. (Sometimes I “forget” to take it out to the curb on purpose.)

But the greatest lesson I’ve learned is I am blessed. I am blessed because of YOU. I keep going because of YOU. YOU are watching me. YOU are cheering for me. And I can’t let YOU down.

Some mornings getting out of bed is the most difficult of challenges but I still get up.

Some nights all I do is cry and pray for help but I make it through.

Some days it takes all the strength inside to remain upright but I still stand.

And when I’m lost in the darkness of loss and pain, you find me. You pick me up and share in my heartbreak.

It’s still a struggle, putting the pieces of my life back together, understanding the person I am without Chris, tending to my wounded heart, and trying to find the motivation to dream again and find a new life. I’m a patient person but being patient with myself is maddening. I want to be happy. I want to be the way I was before. I want so many things. I don’t know if I’ll ever be any of those things again but I do know I can’t give up and I have to allow my heart the time heal and grieve. Boy, is that ever a challenge!

But through it all I have you. Thank you. From the depths of my soul, from the recesses of my broken heart, and with every fiber of my being, thank you. Thank you for giving me a reason to fight when I want to give up. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for taking the time to let me know you care in your own special ways.

I hope that one day I’ll be able to live for myself again but until then I’m eternally grateful that I have YOU to live for.

I love you more than words could ever convey.

And to my husband in heaven, I’ll always miss you, I’ll always love you. I’m doing my best to try to LIVE without you. Til it’s my time, I’ll do my best to take care of everyone here who feels the same as I do.

A special message from me to you. YES, I mean YOU!

Tonight will mark 365 nights I’ve slept without my husband next to me. It’s been a year since he left this earth taking a Chris shaped piece of my heart with him. I relive those final moments with him more often than I’d ever admit.

The house is so quiet…if not for the shuffling of the dogs and cat I’d lose my mind in the silence. As the realization hit that I’d survived my first year without him the sadness pulled me down yet again. How could it be? How can I still be breathing? My heart still beating? I thought about him all the time while he walked this earth so it should be no surprise how much he still remains on my mind. Memories are both a precious gift and a tortuous curse.

My loved ones have asked me how I do it and manage to keep going through my pain. I’ve sat and wondered just that. They compliment my strength, which is a hard thing to believe when you feel so torn apart and completely lost inside. Good or bad, you can’t see inside my head–the struggles, the thoughts, the memories, the things that make me smile, or the things that make me wish for death. A year is such a short time and yet it seems so long.

I’ve spent many nights praying, many nights wondering how I keep surviving day after day. And I’ve realized it’s you. Yes, you. It’s your prayers, your thoughts, your warm wishes. I feel them, the love and the power within them every day but most especially I’ve felt them this week.

In the random Facebook messages from old classmates, an unexpected text to see how I’m doing, a phone call, an invite out, a hug, a shared memory, a smile from stranger, an e-mail from a reader, a conversation with a student, and oh so many more instances than I can count you manage to share your love and support. I cannot deny the higher power working behind the scenes and how each of you makes me feel loved at the most desperate of times.

Since my unwanted quest into widowhood, I’ve learned many things:

People say really stupid, inconsiderate but well meaning things. (Any sentence starting with “I know how you feel” never ends well.)

Tears can literally burn.

Grief is a crazy witch with a ‘B’ that sends you into dark places.

Memories are beautiful and incredibly bittersweet.

I’m not the only one who’s lost someone so precious.

There is so much more to this world than our eyes can see.

And I hate taking out the trash. (Sometimes I “forget” to take it out to the curb on purpose.)

 

But the greatest lesson I’ve learned is I am blessed. I am blessed because of YOU. I keep going because of YOU. YOU are watching me. YOU are cheering for me. And I can’t let YOU down.

Some mornings getting out of bed is the most difficult of challenges but I still get up.

Some nights all I do is cry and pray for help but I make it through.

Some days it takes all the strength inside to remain upright but I still stand.

And when I’m lost in the darkness of loss and pain, you find me. You pick me up and share in my heartbreak.

It’s still a struggle, putting the pieces of my life back together, understanding the person I am without Chris, tending to my wounded heart, and trying to find the motivation to dream again and find a new life. I’m a patient person but being patient with myself is maddening. I want to be happy. I want to be the way I was before. I want so many things. I don’t know if I’ll ever be any of those things again but I do know I can’t give up and I have to allow my heart the time heal and grieve. Boy, is that ever a challenge!

But through it all I have you. Thank you. From the depths of my soul, from the recesses of my broken heart, and with every fiber of my being, thank you. Thank you for giving me a reason to fight when I want to give up. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for taking the time to let me know you care in your own special ways.

I hope that one day I’ll be able to live for myself again but until then I’m eternally grateful that I have YOU to live for.

I love you more than words could ever convey.

And to my husband in heaven, I’ll always miss you. I’ll always love you. I’m doing my best to try to LIVE without you. Til it’s my time, I’ll do my best to take care of everyone here who feels the same as I do.