Why I Write #Confessions
It’s been a weird week. BUT if I’m being honest the more time I spend writing this grief book the more difficult things tend to get. I’ve asked myself why? Why am I writing this? Why do I keep digging up the old emotions and feelings that start to weigh me down? Why can’t I control my emotions and not allow them to move me like they have? Why can’t I separate the past from the present?
Why am I doing all of this? Because I have to. There’s this calling on my heart to write this book. Do you want to know the reason I write period? For myself. Yep, sounds a bit selfish but I write because of this self-serving desire to do so. At first, it was to spin worlds of fictional adventures and romance to get lost in. Now, it’s to share my trials and triumphs. Even when I write those motivational Love, Hugs, and Sunshine blog posts it’s more for myself than anyone else. I have to constantly remind myself to keep my head up. That can be exhausting but it’s necessary.
This week I’ve found myself tangled in emotions yet again! When that happens, my mind kicks into overdrive trying to reason out my feelings. But you can’t always use logic to understand your heart. Believe me, I find that incredibly annoying. I want to understand so I can feel satisfied with the situation and then move on. I need to put that emotion in a neat little box and send it on its way. 90% of the time it doesn’t work that way. Whatever messy glob of emotions I try to put in the box tends to seep out making it nearly impossible to get rid of. Again, super annoying.
I’ve spent a lot of time this week lost in the rabbit trails of my mind—revisiting moments, memories, and not-so-fun feelings. I started to reason to myself, “Maybe it’s because I’ve been spending a lot of time alone this week.” But that’s not it. It doesn’t matter if I’m with people 24/7 or in the solace of my own company, I can still get lost in the great abyss of my mind.
All of those internal activities have left me feeling frustrated, irritated, and tired. I actually took a nap yesterday. I don’t nap! I’ve been wasting energy attempting to understand my feelings, my motives, and trying to wash away emotions that cannot be scrubbed clean. There’s nothing more frustrating than realizing you can’t always understand why you did what you did or why you reacted the way you did. I have to remember that in those moments I was doing the best I could at the time with the knowledge in my head and the strength in my heart.
As I’ve been revisiting the past while writing this book, I realize I’ve been dwelling on mistakes and missteps for fear of repeating them. I can’t stay there. I can’t get lost in the why’s, who’s, how’s, and what if’s. That’s a quicksand of misery I refuse to return to and yet that sneaky stuff was pulling me back down all week. When you allow the quicksand to pull you back in, you get stuck and stop living life.
It’s hard to be assaulted by those old feelings again—feelings you know aren’t true and yet are unable to shake. Sometimes we have to resolve to leave the messes of our past behind so we can forge forward. We have to realize that some things are not for us to understand—even if those things include ourselves.
If you’re lost in the not so fun wonderland of past mistakes and problems, remember you’re not alone. And it’s okay to admit that some things are not for us to understand. We have to trust the forces that be and follow the path set before us. Some days that road is foggy, and some days it is a clear sunshiney way. Regardless, never stop walking. Never stop moving. Never give up.
#NeverGiveUp #WhyIWrite #Confessions
