Garrison Kelly's Blog

DIY

VERSE 1: INTERNET TROLL
“Your writing’s so awful, I wish you’d stop
Crimes against humanity, I’ll call the cops
Your books get mentioned in the Geneva Conventions
They’re torture, I’ll call for an Executive Order”

CHORUS 1
You want something done right, you got to do it yourself
Come over to my home and ring the doorbell
You better be packing a rocket launcher
Or I’ll enslave you, make you my salad tosser
You’d never risk getting decked in the mouth
You’d never risk getting your tongue pulled out
Keyboard courage doesn’t amount to shit
Dish it out all you want, but you can’t take it

VERSE 2: RED PILLER
“I can’t get laid, ‘cause her legs ain’t shaved
Neither are her pits or the nipples on her tits
Every female should look like Wonder Woman
And have a personality so bland and wooden”

CHORUS 2
You want something done right, you got to do it yourself
Jack it off, jack it raw for your prostate health
Ain’t nobody going to do it for you
Especially when your hobby is going “pew-pew”
At a high school or a gay rights march
Or a feminist meeting without a patriarch
You got a four-wheel drive playing Kid Rock live
But you got no soul, that’s why you can’t find a hole

VERSE 3: POLITICIAN
“I’ll rattle my saber until you do me a favor
Drop to your knees as you try to appease
Kiss my ass until the end of time
Or I’ll lock you up for your treasonous crime”

CHORUS 3
You want something done right, you got to do it yourself
Stop hiding behind all your status and wealth
Put your working boots on and let’s get it on
Don’t tell me you’re right, show you’re not wrong
But chickening out is what you do best
And you couldn’t pass a military psych test
Run for the hills, take your Ivermectin pills
Or better yet, cyanide to melt your insides

OUTRO
You want something done right, you got to do it yourself
The punk movement said it, yet you somehow forget it
“They’re all too woke and they’re all going soft”
Yet you’re so tough that you hide behind the cops
Hide behind ICE while you pay the price
For your FAFO moment, you refuse to own it
You’re a sheep on the farm being led to slaughter
Shave off your wool, put it on the king’s daughter

You Are the Reason

You are the reason you lost all your friends
You are the reason your romances end
You are the reason you’re all alone
You are the reason and you can’t atone

You are the reason we hate religion
You are the reason we hate politicians
You are the reason we have division
I’m starting to think this was your mission

You are the reason the world’s on fire
You are the reason we hang by a wire
You are the reason we’re too damn tired
To raise any children in a world of killin’

You are the reason we cannot forgive you
You are the reason you need all the tissues
You are the reason for your own damn tears
You didn’t lead with hope, you led with fear

Now who could I be talking to when I say “you”?
A former friend? Some relatives? Some troll with loose screws?
The answer is yes, you and all the rest, and I said it best
Here comes Armageddon, we won’t let you forget it

I am the reason you’re gone forever
I am the reason we never speak ever
I am the reason for all the boundaries
I set them up and I say it proudly

I am the reason my life is much better
I am the reason, I am the trendsetter
I am the reason why I still have hope
Let you back in? That’s a big nope!

Pulling on the Masks

INTRO DIALOGUE
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro
Can you hear me, Juan?
Okay, these people think they’re the Master Race?

VERSE 1
Pulling on the masks, not wiping their asses
Wiping is gay, they’re supposed to be fascists
Run into a school zone, terrorize the masses
Pinhead, pinhead, racial slur passes
Pinhead, pinhead, racial slur passes
Appropriating cultures like a motherfucking vulture
Pinhead, pinhead, getting really pissed
Pinhead, pinhead, MAGA terrorists

VERSE 2
Logging onto Tinder to get themselves some
Chickies in the streets, grab their fucking bums
When they want her number, she will give them none
Pinhead, pinhead, chivalry is done
Pinhead, pinhead, chivalry is done
Scaring off the women in a patriarchal system
Pinhead, pinhead, sucking on her face
Pinhead, pinhead, getting sprayed with mace

VERSE 3
When they’re at a protest, at first they pull a gun
But when they see some blue hair, then they start to run
When they see their pronouns, it makes them think twice
Pinhead, pinhead, secretly enticed
Pinhead, pinhead, secretly enticed
Consuming trans porn ‘til the bright and early morn
Pinhead, pinhead, getting really pissed
Pinhead, pinhead, at the word “cis”

VERSE 4
I couldn’t speak Spanish to save my own life
But I know a few phrases, so I can get by
On your knees, pendejo, that’s a good puto
Pinhead, pinhead, besame kulo
Pinhead, pinhead, hired by the law
It was January 6th when ICE gave them a job
Pinhead, pinhead, covering their face
Pinhead, pinhead, for the Master Race!

Stay Down

VERSE 1
Your childhood sucked, so your offspring must pay
Beat them with a belt to make sure they’re not gay
A piece of leather passed down from your father
You could throw that shit away, but why the hell bother?
Whip them, lash them, and verbally trash them
Their spirits and dreams, go ahead and smash them
When you’re taken away with cuffs around your wrists
You can tell the courtroom about the gripes on your list

PRE-CHORUS
Mr. Narcissist, next time you get pissed
Make sure the gun you put to your head doesn’t miss

CHORUS
Stay down! X4

VERSE 2
You hate your wife, because she ruined your life
That’s the story you tell on your way to hell
Too much nagging from her led you to a divorce
You’re so innocent, so you owe her, of course
You say the system’s rigged with a voice so big
But your dick’s so small and so are your balls
One last check in the form of alimony
Your bank account is dry, keep pissing and moaning

PRE-CHORUS
Mr. Wifebeater, Mr. Cheater, Mr. Geezer
Next time you keep a dead body in your freezer
Call your victim anything but a skeezer
It’s not a good look when you’re locked up and booked

CHORUS
Stay down! X4

BRIDGE
I’m sorry life didn’t turn out the way you wanted
I’m sorry you grew up with a mind so haunted
But my real sympathies lie with the ones you hurt
You didn’t have to do that, no more bodies in the dirt
Nobody walks away from this life unscathed
Doesn’t mean they need to feel even half of your pain
You could have broken the cycle, but you broke their bones
You broke their minds too, so forgiveness is a hard no

CHORUS
Stay down! X8

OUTRO
Lay down!
And stay down!
‘Cause if you get back up
You’ll get jacked up!

When It Happens to You

VERSE 1
You got the Thin Blue Line ‘til they vote Democrat
Now you storm the white house with a baseball bat
You called Benson a badass ‘til she voted for Harris
Now you spray paint on her house the word “terrist”
Your spelling sucks and so does your syntax
The King of England had a heart attack
But you speak like royalty when and only when
You bitch about the use of “they” and “them”

CHORUS
What can you do?
It’s only racist when it happens to you
What can you do?
It’s only sexist when it happens to you

VERSE 2
You fucked around and now you’re finding out
You lost your right to pout and scream and shout
You only know how to do it to yourself
And now you lost your insurance for health

EXTENDED CHORUS
What can you do?
It’s only racist when it happens to you
What can you do?
It’s only sexist when it happens to you
It’s only violent when it happens to you
They’re only bigots when they do it to you
You’re a victim of the system when it happens to you

VERSE 3
Even after all the shit you’ve seen
You lick those boots all nice and clean
Sucking up don’t mean a hill of beans
Ain’t got no green, so you’re on the wrong team

EXTENDED CHORUS
What can you do?
It’s only racist when it happens to you
What can you do?
It’s only sexist when it happens to you
It’s only violent when it happens to you
They’re only bigots when they do it to you
You’re a victim of the system when it happens to you

The Marsellus Wallace Speech: AEW Edition

(OOC: I read a blog post today about how Marsellus Wallace's speech to Butch in Pulp Fiction can be applied to any relatable scenario, so I did a parody myself, just like the author did. Ready? Here we go:

We fade in on Bryan Danielson, a 44-year-old pro-wrestler who’s one broken neck away from being confined to a wheelchair. He sits across the table wearing a plain white T-shirt (because he doesn’t believe in consumerism). Sitting on the opposite side off screen is Tony Khan, the Head Honcho at All Elite Wrestling, where Bryan works. Tony sounds like a cross between a delusional billionaire and a giddy fanboy.

TONY (O.S.)
What do you think you’re gonna find when your decades-long career is over? I think you’re gonna find yourself one broken down, sad-ass motherfucker. The thing is, Bryan, you have a shitload of five-star matches. But as painful as it may seem, five-star matches won’t save your life, and yours is over the minute you take another bump. That’s a hard motherfucking fact of life, and it’s one your ass is gonna have to get realistic about. The wrestling business is filled to the brim with unrealistic motherfuckers who say they’re gonna retire but never do. Motherfuckers who thought their asses would age like wine. If you mean it turns to vinegar like Ric Flair and Chris Jericho, it does. If you mean it gets better with age like R-Truth and Trish Stratus? It don’t. Besides, Bryan, how many five-star matches do you got left in you? Two? Wrestlers don’t have an Old-Timer’s League. It was called Heroes of Wrestling and it sucked ass. You came close, but you made it only a handful of times. If you were gonna make it again, you would have done it already.

Tony holds release papers just out of Bryan’s reach.

TONY (O.S.)
You actually gonna retire this time?

BRYAN
Certainly appears so.

Bryan takes the release papers from Tony’s hand.

TONY
Night of your final retirement speech, you’re gonna feel a slight sting. That’s pride fucking with you. Fuck pride! Pride only hurts, probably about as bad as Jon Moxley suffocating you with a plastic bag. It never helps. You gotta fight through that shit. ‘Cause a year from now when you’re at home banging Brie Bella and hanging out with your two kids Birdie and Buddy, you’re gonna say to yourself, “Tony Khan was right”, which is something I hear from Dave Meltzer pretty much regularly.

BRYAN
Yeah, me too.

TONY
At AEW Revolution, you job to Jon Moxley. Say it.

BRYAN
At AEW Revolution, I job to Jon Moxley.

The original blog post: https://www.kingdomoffailure.com/post...

Headline News

VERSE 1
Geek in a suit comes on the news at five
He’s probably wondering how we’re all alive
Read the teleprompter while on beta blockers
Lifeless interview gives you nothing new
Turn that shit off, what’re we watching for?
We should get overtime for staying informed
This is a movie that we’ve all seen before
‘Cause all they ever talk about is murder and war

VERSE 2
Roundtable at six sucking Israel’s dicks
Got a dose of depression, come get your fix
Gather over here while we fight fascism
But only with permission from upper management
Bomb this, bomb that, school shooter with a gat
Every one of them fuckers got a red MAGA hat
TV-MA for gratuitous gore
‘Cause all they ever talk about is murder and war

VERSE 3
It’s seven o’clock, get on your knees and pray
‘Cause we just made it through another long day
Go fight with your family, have a master debate
You don’t need verbal skills, you need mosquito spray
Dehumanized by the people you’re supposed to love
It’s love with conditions from the heavens above
Just another case of the poor fighting the poor
‘Cause all they ever talk about is murder and war

OUTRO
‘Cause all they ever talk about is murder and war
Fuck the positivity, they find it such a bore
Brain chemical addiction is your newfound chore
Like those Camels you smoke from the convenience store
A bottle of Jack to go with your pack
If you’re pissed off long enough, you can move on to crack
Healthy coping mechanisms are what you all lack
But when you need your rage bait, we’ll take your greenbacks

Vanilla ICE-Holes

Is that “ICE” on your vest? It should say “snowflake”
Surrender and comply? No way, Jose
Don’t worry about us pulling your mask off
Instead we’ll pull your pants off, force you to jack off
To Orange Hitler, on your knees, bootlicker
My trigger finger’s quick, so you better be quicker
Don’t half-ass the fash, go the whole nine yards
You do it long enough, you can play your race card
Forget the mask, we know you’re Vanilla ICE-Holes
You’re doing Pulp Fiction and the gimp is your role
Bring out the gimp! Bring out the gimp!
Come on, everybody, let’s bring out the gimp!
Slap you like a pimp for being a right-wing simp
Kick you in the dick ‘til it’s permanently limp
The age of drum circles is a thing of the past
Unless we play the drums on your stupid ball caps
With your head inside, now you can go and hide
Behind your daddy’s legs like a doggy who begs
Schoolyard bullies have more balls than you
Look in the mirror, it’s no one’s fault but you
You couldn’t cut it as the next John Rambo
Gassed out in five seconds while learning Sambo
If Sambo was easy, it’d be called White America
Chilling on your porch calling everybody terrorists
Shotgun in your hand, but you sawed it in half
You shoot prematurely, make your girlfriend laugh
Just kidding! You couldn’t be a Prom King either
You got no personality, you’re the new rag and ether
Putting us to sleep with your nothingburger status
So you pretend to be a badass ‘cause no girl would make passes
Without a few shots of whiskey in little glasses
Drop the Xanax in the drink, make her slip off to a dream
That’s your whole life in an itty-bitty nutshell
Your whole villain arc for why you pump the gun shells
Into innocent civilians, you do it by the millions
Call it “welfare cuts”, give your masters more trillions
You live by the sword, you die by the sword
‘Cause you got nowhere else to go except the psych ward

Fitness Guru

INTRO DIALOGUE
You’re not a fitness guru; you’re a eugenicist!

SATIRE POEM
I make my salary by burning all my calories
Showing off my ribs, telling fatphobic fibs
Juicing up my biceps, overworking triceps
Got some ten-pack abs, not pinch of flab

Why stop there? Let’s erase your autism
And your personality that you got with it
Sell stories about your expendability
Based on corporate greed and your disability

“Don’t even bother with the COVID vaccine”
Said the pin cushion who was a heroin fiend
You believe every word, just look at my face
Innocent like an angel from the “Master Race”

Take my advice, pay no mind to my voice
What disease do I have? It’s Dealer’s Choice
I never smoked a cigarette a day in my life
Still sounds like I wear a Columbian Necktie

I got more wrinkles than crumpled up paper
It started as a baby and I hoped it would taper
Started in the womb, wait, now I remember
I was totally alive then, like Jesus in December

Now I got a job fucking up my last name
Drag it through the mud, make it take a walk of shame
Black sheep doesn’t describe me at all
‘Cause if I lived on a farm, my voters would suck my balls

So next time you see me on the television
Listen loud and clear, ‘cause there is no intermission
No bathroom breaks even though I’m full of shit
Here’s my healthcare plan, it’s a total money pit
Government efficiency is kind of my jam
Effective at what? Making suckers fall for scams?
Fork over your dough as you die really slow
Make the oligarchy richer, fuck the Average Joe!

Pull a Knife

VERSE 1
Respect for authority, agree with the majority
Keep the peace, you should only be seen
And never heard, not a single word
Will come from your lips or they’ll rap the tips
Of your fingers with a ruler, you little grammar-schooler
Some rap the knuckles, either way your knees buckle
Stand up to injustice? Do that, you’ll get busted
Assume the position, it’s your life’s ambition

DIALOGUE
That all sounds well and good, but I’d rather…

CHORUS
Pull a knife! Take their wallet!
Accountability is what I’ll call it!
Pull a gun! Steal their purse!
I don’t care if it makes things worse!

VERSE 2
Words have failed, now your life has derailed
Now it’s punches and kicks, stones and sticks
Violence is the language of pain and anguish
Because the rules don’t apply to the suits and ties
The rules mean nothing when the shotgun’s pumping
Shells in the heads of the poor and underfed
It’s kill or be killed, I’ll die on this hill
It’s either you or them, who’d be better off dead?

DIALOGUE
I’d love to sing kumbaya with my killers, but I’d rather…

CHORUS
Pull a knife! Take their wallets!
Accountability is what I’ll call it!
Pull a gun! Steal their purse!
I don’t care if it makes things worse!

BRIDGE
Are they scared of the city? They made things shitty
Flooding the streets with guns and heat
Flooding the veins with heroin, cocaine
Cutting the funding, now the cops go hunting
Expect obedience? That shit’s so devious
Has the opposite effect of what it all meant
What’s the use? You got nothing left to lose
Nothing’s more dangerous than a bullet up their anus!

CHORUS
Pull a knife! Take their wallet!
Accountability is what I’ll call it!
Pull a gun! Steal their purse!
I don’t care if it makes things worse!
Do it like Robin Hood! Do it like Luigi!
Scrape their remains off the sidewalk with a squeegee!
They created a monster! Created a killer!
They debate all they want, but it’s background filler!
Pull a knife!
Pull a gun!
Pull a bazooka!
It’s the end of the world, let’s have some fun!