Garrison Kelly's Blog, page 6

Written By a Man

VERSE 1
I got no experience, so I got no soul
Not enough broken bones, not enough bullet holes
Not enough time spent behind steel bars
Not enough time trapped in subway cars
So I do my very best to pass the Bechdel Test
But my only point of reference is The Man Show and Wrestle Fest
I got a pile of mistakes higher than a bird’s nest
Learn my lessons from some, set fire to the rest

CHORUS
Manic chick from a magical land
Written by a man
Did I write it with one hand?
Written by a man
Manic chick from a magical land
Written by a man
Did I write it with one hand?
Written by a man

VERSE 2
I got no girl who could be my whole world
But it ain’t her job to launch me to the top
I got to pull myself out of this water slide pipeline
I got to be more than just a cishet white guy
I got to find out what the fuck is going on
Why the fuck is my maturity taking so long?
They call me late bloomer, ‘cause it couldn’t happen sooner
Got some gray in my hair, now they call me a gooner

CHORUS
Manic chick from a magical land
Written by a man
Did I write it with one hand?
Written by a man
Manic chick from a magical land
Written by a man
Did I write it with one hand?
Written by a man

VERSE 3
I got no baggage I can actually unpack
So I’m stuck in murder mode, ready to attack
It’s easy to blame the one who screams the most
Especially when she’s dead and floating like a ghost
I’ll get my shit together if it takes me forever
I don’t have to be an angel, I just have to be better
A lifelong process, because learning never ends
When you got no ego, you got nothing to defend

BRIDGE
Damn right this book was written by a man
Started as a fan who believed that I can
You’re not competition, I hope we all win
The new world is here, let the story begin

The Quiet Part

CHORUS
It’s a bunch of bigotry, call it what it is
Say the quiet part out loud for the backseat kids
Call yourself Hitler so we’ll never be your friend
Never trust you with a single thing ever again

VERSE 1
What’s the matter? Did Vince make you sign an NDA?
Tell us all why you really hate the WNBA
They got pussies and tits, and sometimes they got dicks
And they’re kicking the shit out of your number one draft picks
Hey, Ronda Rousey, tell us why you won’t fight Fallon
Because the urine in your shorts measures to at least a gallon
But you can flip Triple H like he’s a blueberry flapjack
The thought of transgender people makes you blast out your ass crack

CHORUS
It’s a bunch of bigotry, call it what it is
Say the quiet part out loud for the backseat kids
Call yourself Hitler so we’ll never be your friend
Never trust you with a single thing ever again

VERSE 2
Hey, JK Rowling, what’s your next book about?
Is the little wizard Harry having existential doubt?
You don’t have the wherewithal for anything that deep
You think too much about genitals, you bus stop creep
Hey, Sean Strickland, you’re full of your own shit
There’s no way you don’t rub prostates a.k.a. butt clits
Do you use your own dick or is it just a little short?
Try using your fingers and then give them a snort

CHORUS
It’s a bunch of bigotry, call it what it is
Say the quiet part out loud for the backseat kids
Call yourself Hitler so we’ll never be your friend
Never trust you with a single thing ever again

VERSE 3
Hey, Tommy Vext, what’s it like to not have sex
With the women you abused and the women who are next?
You had a good thing going with the fatphobic You Tuber
Could’ve made some demon babies in the back of an Uber
Hey, Bill Maher, why you got to be a Boomer
Who dates Generation Zers like a motherfucking groomer?
The only youngsters you like are the ones you can fuck
I bet those AOC laws have got to fucking suck

CHORUS
It’s a bunch of bigotry, call it what it is
Say the quiet part out loud for the backseat kids
Call yourself Hitler so we’ll never be your friend
Never trust you with a single thing ever again

Be My Zealot

VERSE 1
Second chances just don’t feel right
You had so many, the count’s out of sight
More than a bastard should ever deserve
New high score, stroke yourself, you perv
The gates of heaven have a permanent lock
I’ve stuffed the key down the front of my jock
Bolt cutters won’t get you past the arches
Now you’re a target for angelic archers

PRE-CHORUS 1
You want forgiveness? This is all you have to do

CHORUS
Be my zealot
Be my fanatic
I’ll be your god
Your reason to panic
Give me your body
Give me your soul
Give me your mind
Absolute control
Be my zealot!

VERSE 2
You spent so long raping my eardrums
With punch-down humor, your favorite fun
You spent so long renting space in my head
You’ll pay that debt long after you’re dead
You spent so long ripping out my heart
Breaking it so many times, I don’t know where to start
You spent so long ignoring my demands
To stop the insanity, ‘cause I won’t let it stand

PRE-CHORUS 1
You want forgiveness? This is all you have to do

CHORUS
Be my zealot
Be my fanatic
I’ll be your god
Your reason to panic
Give me your body
Give me your soul
Give me your mind
Absolute control
Be my zealot!

BRIDGE
The day of your funeral has finally arrived
Nobody showed up, so there’re no tears to cry
I walk past the steel gates with a heavy bladder
Pull out my pecker, your grave gets the splatter

PRE-CHORUS 2
It’s too late for forgiveness, so now that you’re in hell

CHORUS
Be my zealot
Be my fanatic
I’ll be your god
Your reason to panic
Give me your body
Give me your soul
Give me your mind
Absolute control
Be my zealot!

Rainbow Ranch, Chapter 5

The top octave was alive with buzzing noises that prickled Lucy’s ear hairs. Must have been another lightning spell that King Harrison was conjuring up. Must have been how this story was going to end: the same way King Harrison’s life ended before he had stolen Loki as a bodily vessel. This was Lucy the Hammer’s destiny: a half-wiener dog cooked like the piece of meat she was named after. She held her friends tightly as if her armor was enough to shield them from a visit from the Angel of Death. If they were leaving Rainbow Ranch together, they’d cross the Rainbow Bridge together. The silver lining in that cloud? They’d never have to see King Harrison again and they’d never have to fight another pointless war against forces they couldn’t understand.

“Out of my face, you annoying tart!” belted Harrison. The buzzing continued, but was now accompanied by sounds of heavy swatting. “Go on, get out of here! Move it!”

Confusion didn’t weigh on Lucy’s heart nearly as heavily as grief and despair. She welcomed the new emotion as she turned to see what was up. The buzzing was not from a new lightning spell that would send them into the nothing. It was but an amethyst-colored fly flapping its little wings around Harrison’s face, a ghost of sorts. For someone who loved animals, he was quick to annoy when the lifeforms were slightly uglier than a puppy.

Harrison continued to swat at the ghost fly and the “annoying tart” dodged and weaved out of the way with minimal effort. His teeth gnashed together and his fists tightened as this microscopic creature got under…whatever was left of his skin. Even when the ghost fly tried to swoop out of Ozzie’s humble abode, Harrison, visibly frustrated, floated after the little dickens and swatted some more while grumbling and groaning through his slime-covered teeth.

Lucy, Ozzie, Callie, and Loki looked at each other with their heads tilted in perplexity. Lucy shrugged her shoulders before the four of them leapt to their feet and pitter-pattered outside to see what was going on. Lucy’s eyes widened and her tiny jaw dropped at the sight of their saviors. “Wow…it can’t be…I don’t believe it…” she whispered.

On one side of the snowy hill floated the ghost of King Harrison, a disgraced politician and sorcerer who couldn’t let go of his own demons, even at the expense of those who loved him. On the other side of the hill…King James stood with folded arms and a death stare scrawled across his bearded face. And speaking of death stares, nobody did them better than his necromancer confidant himself, Razor Ripley, whose magic was used to resurrect the fly and cause the momentary distraction. With a flick of Ripley’s bony finger, the magic left the fly’s body and drifted into the dark of space.

Both sides of this confrontation stared at each other with murderous intentions, fists clenched, lungs expanding and contracting with raspy flows, and deadly eyes that could have been weapons by themselves if not for the necessity of forged steel. Still in Ozzie’s doorway were the four animals who were responsible for exorcising Harrison’s ghost from Loki’s body. Razor Ripley knew they bore the responsibility and gave an ashen-eyed wink at Lucy, which instead of reassuring her, caused her to gulp and shiver. She could never get used to how creepy the necromancer looked even during moments of happiness.

King James uncrossed his arms and took a few steps forward, his steel boots crunching in the thick snow. His eyes never disengaged with Harrison’s furious gaze. “It’s over, brother,” said James. “Your quest for revenge was never going anywhere to begin with…and it has nowhere to go now. This whole conflict was little more than a waste of our time and resources. You could have ruled Rainbow Ranch with a kind heart and a wise mind. You could have asked for help if you needed it. And yet…you continued down your self-destructive path. For what reason, dear brother? Why did this need to happen?” No answer from Harrison, only fury. “Answer me, damn it!”

“And how exactly did you plan on helping me?” asked Harrison. “What could you have done to make this pain more bearable? I know! You could reach inside my head and pull out every demon that has ever spoken to me and told me this was a good idea! You can still do it now even as my physical form has turned to rotten waste! What are you waiting for, dear brother?! Do it! It’s the only way!”

Razor Ripley took a few steps forward until he was side-by-side with his royal master. “This sarcasm is unbecoming of you, Harrison. You bloody well knew what you needed to do. Talk through it all. Identify your emotions. Process the worst parts of your trauma. The healing would have been most difficult, but not impossible. All that being equal…you couldn’t be bothered to participate in your own rescue. That’s why you’re a ghost and everyone else is alive. And I do mean…everyone.”

From the bottom of the mountain, Lucy the Hammer’s old squad mates marched up the hill with weapons in hand and stoicism plastered on their jowly visages. Granted, they didn’t quite dry off from being washed down the power station, they were dogs and hygiene was at least the fourth or fifth item on their list of priorities. As Lucy’s heart dropped to her guts, she clutched her chest, smiled weakly, and tried to stifle a flood of tears that would for sure recreate what happened at the power station. Loki licked her face and got a giggle out of her. The tears would have to wait.

“As I said before, brother man…it’s over. Your worthless crusade is over,” said James.

The ghost of King Harrison cupped his hands and gathered an ample amount of fire energy, which swirled all around him, igniting a furious passion that was par for the course for a man with his demons. “Nothing is over until I say it’s over! This war will continue whether you’re too lazy to continue it or not!”

And just like that, Lucy had enough of this arrogant posturing. She proved him wrong before and she would do it again. She furrowed her eyebrows, set her hammer down, and rolled a snowball into her paws before launching it at the back of Harrison’s head.

“Ouch! You stupid dog!” bellowed Harrison.

“Death Rattle! FIRE!” commanded Razor Ripley. The snowball strike distracted Harrison long enough that he failed to defend himself from the one spell that could send a ghost into the endless void forever: the Death Rattle. That poor fly’s spirit floated away in short order, may his sacrifice never be forgotten. And after a jagged mini-tornado zipped across the hill, the Death Rattle spell found its mark.

Harrison’s ghostly essence contorted and twisted into multiple positions as it struggled to resist its inevitable fate. The morphing proved to make Lucy’s eyes widen and heart race faster than actual combat with this foe just moments earlier. Harrison’s head expanded like a balloon. His arms were growing and shrinking willy-nilly. His legs twisted up in a little knot. His stomach gurgled and boiled audibly enough to gag the dogs standing behind Ripley and King James. And then…Harrison’s ghostly body stretched and thinned out as it expanded to the sky. It stretched…and stretched…and stretched…until it was too thin to even exist anymore. And then…POOF! The glowing energy snuffed out and Harrison was but a distant memory. Such a shame he couldn’t get a proper send-off with his own funeral service, but coming back to life and fighting a meaningless war was a decision he made by himself…and one he would carry with him to eternity.

Silence took over the battlefield as everyone involved slowed down to process everything they just went through and saw for themselves. Lucy’s heartbeat steadied. Her eyes dried out and returned to normal size. Her heavy breathing had grown shallow. Everyone stood there and let the moment sink in. No more pointless revenge quests. No more insanity. No more wasted motion. Just a land of animals called Rainbow Ranch, where the abandoned and unloved could finally have a community of their own.

After a while of taking it all in, Lucy’s smile started to grow and she let out a few giggles. She picked up her oversized hammer and leapt into the air holding it overhead. “We did it!” The Shut Up Stupid Dogs squadron cheered, barked, and howled at the realization that this brutal struggle was over. Ozzie and Callie hugged each other and rekindled the love that was lost so long ago. Loki rushed over to his true owner and licked his bony toes while King James patted him on the head. Lucy continued to run, jump, and play while swinging her hammer in the air. “We did it! We did it, everyone! We gave that mean old man the old One, Two, Buckle Your Shoe!”

In her overexcitement, Lucy swung her hammer in the same spinning motion that caused her to belly flop at the power station. But this time…she landed on her feet. Silence overtook the mountain once again as everyone stared at Lucy’s celebratory dance. She actually did it. She landed on her feet. This just made her smile, spin, and dance even more. Wasn’t that what life in Rainbow Ranch was supposed to be about? Smiling, spinning, and dancing? Running, jumping, wrestling, and playing?

But now looking at the weapon of war in her hand, Lucy had a decision to make. She had grown comfortable enough in her role as a soldier protecting Rainbow Ranch from the worst of the worst. At the same time, she longed for the feeling of a tennis ball in her mouth, long-nailed hands scratching her belly, and eating sausages that exploded with juice in every bite. This wouldn’t be a decision she could make lightly, but it was one worth considering now that King Harrison was in the rear view.

Hell

VERSE 1
I see a frog-faced old man who tried to break my spirit
I see a demon-faced lover, when I said no, she didn’t hear it
I see a horse-faced soldier who laughed at all my faults
I see a zombie-faced friend who was no friend at all

CHORUS
I’m in hell!
I’m in hell!
I’m in hell!
I’m in hell!

VERSE 2
I burn inside the pit with people made of shit
I lay across the torture table with the opposite of Abel
I take a dip in the lake of fire until I break
I’m chained against the wall with nothing to do but bawl

CHORUS
I’m in hell!
I’m in hell!
I’m in hell!
I’m in hell!

BRIDGE
I pissed off the gods of schizophrenia
One too many times, hell is where I’m ending up
I’m locked in here, key dangling like a carrot
To clean my dirty laundry, I have to air it

VERSE 3
I fight with knives in my hands to bring the light to this land
I fight with stones in my heart, because villainy is an art
I fight with thunder in my mind, I’ll fuck up whatever I find
I fight with immortality, because I own this eternity

CHORUS
I’m in hell!
I’m in hell!
I’m in hell!
I’m in hell!

FINAL LINE
Wouldn’t skip this for the world

Saliva

You grab my wrist as I try to walk away
“Let’s talk like adults!” I hear you say
Grown up you may be, you scream like a kid
Who got one too few of his Christmas gifts

Every word is a breach of the peace
The bar was in hell, top level at least
I told you that I don’t like confrontation
You did jack shit with the information

You don’t have within you the will to change
Yet you want my open-mindedness all the same
An open mind is a two-way street
And sometimes you have to travel on broken feet

An honest conversation is not what this is
Breaking spirits is your favorite sin
Only one thing to do to end this friendship
That I gave so many years of my investment

Saliva in your face, running down your nose
And onto your lips, it drips so slow
The ultimate act of disrespect
Sadness in your eyes is what I detect

Goodbye, old friend, until next time
Which is hopefully never, that wish is mine
I finally turn and walk out of sight
And now I bid you the coldest of nights

My bed is warm, my food is hot
My home is here, with you it’s not
Maybe in the next life if it exists
We can start all over as innocent kids

I Like Violence

VERSE 1
Columbian necktie, fuck all the dead guys
Fuck all the victims and their prison bitches
Stick a chainsaw right through your heart
Grab a double-barrel and blast you like a fart
I’m gonna bite your neck and take your head
Give it to your wife like breakfast in bed
Put the rest of your dead ass under the dirt
Wipe your blood on my Pantera shirt

CHORUS
I like violence
Because you don’t believe in silence
Running your mouth like verbal diarrhea
This pistol on my shelf gives me a good idea

VERSE 2
I’m gonna chop down your family tree
Watch it crash on your ass and make you bleed
Put the rest of your meat over a spit roast
Drink your blood and make a slainte toast
I drink to good health and the big, big money
And a lot of nice days in the hot, hot sunny
I think I overcooked your disgusting skin
But you were always destined for a garbage bin

CHORUS
I like violence
Because you don’t believe in silence
Running your mouth like verbal diarrhea
This pistol on my shelf gives me a good idea

BRIDGE
Violent nightmares have become wet dreams
The crotch of my pants has burst at the seams
I would have busted it any fucking way
With my jackhammer johnson blasting you away

VERSE 3
I’m gonna tie you down and make you sing
Watch you squirm while I’m eating hot wings
Squirt some sauce in your pretty blue eyes
Hold a microphone to your pretty little cries
I’m gonna cut you open, flip you inside-out
Put it all on Tik Tok for years’ worth of clout
Jigsaw ain’t got a thing on me
I ripped his eyes out and made him see

EXTENDED CHORUS
I like violence
Because you don’t believe in silence
Running your mouth like verbal diarrhea
This pistol on my shelf gives me a good idea
Blast your brains like you blew a freight train
Explode your chest and set fire to the rest
Am I smoking crack or am I just plain sick?
Let me think about this while I stroke my dick

March Was the Drizzling Shits

…Alright, look…I’m not going to bullshit you guys. The month of March in 2024 has been absolute dogshit for me. I’m grateful to get off of Risperidone, but there’s a price to pay for doing that. I thought I’d been over the worst of it when I stopped sweating profusely and when I wasn’t boiling hot all the time. But there’s another side effect that I’m still dealing with today that I don’t talk about very often. I don’t talk about it because it’s a creepy subject. Ever since I got off Risperidone, I’ve been incredibly horny 24/7. I’ve been living in my own head thinking about these elaborate sexual and romantic fantasies while being completely disconnected from the real world. Anytime I’ve had to step outside my own “heaven” as I call it, I’ve been cranky and irritable, even if I’m doing something that’ll benefit my family like doing laundry or going grocery shopping. I was shopping at Safeway one time and I was getting frustrated that I couldn’t go home to my room and…take care of business. But “taking care of business” only keeps the horniness at bay for a short period of time. And then I’m banging on “heaven’s gates” wanting to be let back in. This has been my entire March in 2024. Three poems and a stream-of-consciousness essay came out of it, sure, but not much else beyond that. I haven’t cracked open “Elantris” since early February. I haven’t written a chapter of Rainbow Ranch since January. I haven’t written a chapter of Beautiful Monster since last year. Last! Year! I haven’t drawn a picture since February. Everything is piling up while I’m trapped in my own fucking head. Take it from me: being horny all the time isn’t the kind of fun that most incels and alpha males would make it out to be. It sucks. It absolutely fucking sucks. How much longer do I have to wait for my brain to recalibrate? Patience is not one of my virtues, in case it wasn’t abundantly clear. So if you ask me what my plans are for the day, I’ve got none. My schedule is clear, but my head is not. I’m counting down the days when this bullshit will end. Thanks for listening to me for a while. Sorry if me talking about sex makes you feel uncomfortable.

Temptation

PART ONE: TEMPTATION IN HEAVEN
In my head, there is only heaven
The angels here are stuff of legends
Manic Pixie Dream Girls don’t exist
Except in a euphoric state of bliss

Lovely teachers in dresses and sandals
More than my chemicals could ever handle
They catch me staring and only smile back
Give them some wine and help them relax

Whoever said You Tube isn’t eHarmony
Never met the angels that are charming me
Closing distance with hugs and kisses
A future with all of them as my missus

When wrestling women get done in the ring
They turn up the sweetness and make my heart sing
They’re more than the skimpy gear that they wear
They’re reasons to stroke their soft silky hair

It doesn’t matter if I’m weird or lack money
They call me cupcake and call me honey
I get to be a star and then kiss the sky
Kiss magical women and make them cry

TELEVISION DIALOGUE
“Heaven? Hmph! Whatever made you think you were in heaven, Mr. Valentine? This IS the other place!”

PART TWO: THE AWAKENING
I spent too long in my own fantasies
The real world has so much they’re asking me
Family and friends haven’t seen me in weeks
My clothes are piling up, my body reeks

I got work to do and a legacy to build
I’m still creative and I’ll die on that hill
These novel characters are stuck in limbo
While I spent my days with imagined sex symbols

Read a book and your ignorance will die
But I can’t find the energy, can’t find the time
Drifting in and out of consciousness
Another reason to be lacking confidence

Build Legos like I did when I was a kid
I’m still a kid, but just a little bit mid
My hall of fame is showing its shame
When my broken promises are all the same

Do chores around the house, make it clean
Your domestic mistakes should be heard and not seen
Scrub the dishes and take out the garbage
For god’s sake, it should smell like a botanical garden

Talk to your people, talk to your pets
One chance in this life is all you get
Tell them you love them no matter what
Save them from your pain that deeply cuts

PART THREE: BACK TO HELL
I’m exiled from heaven, but I can’t go back to hell
The demons were the reason I was so unwell
Fighting and fucking, two sides of a coin
Stroking the tip before a kick in the groin

I fought so many battles with the forces of hell
That they’re often too traumatic, I shouldn’t tell
Screams, rage, death, blood
Spending so many nights face down in the mud

I’m just too tired to keep swinging my axe
I wish there was some sort of therapy tax
I wish there was somebody that I could ask
To kill the demons for me, but don’t let it last

I was born in the fire and I’ll never retire
It was never a reason for me to be a crier
Suck it up, suck it in, get back in the cage
Until I hit senior citizen age

If I live that long, my brain will turn to shit
And my hospital gown will be a perfect fit
Go under the knife for the rest of my life
As the memories fade of an imaginary wife

Final Fantasy

VERSE 1
Magical woman says, “I did a line of cocaine
It numbs all the pain in my outer space brain”
Magical woman says, “They hate my penis
They either shout shit at me or pay me to see it”
Magical woman says, “I haven’t showered in weeks
Every shirt I’ve worn is covered in blood streaks”
Magical woman says, “You have very pretty eyes
Is it okay if I look into them for the rest of the night?”

PRE-CHORUS 1
“Hold my hand, touch my face
Please take me away from this dark place
Hold me tight, touch my hair
Please help me, I’m scared”

CHORUS 1
Who am I kidding? It’s a final fantasy
In the real world, magic women run away from me
It’s a place in my head, got no choice but to stay
Waste my time on limerence, throwing my life away

VERSE 2
Lonely bohemian says, “I stole things that aren’t mine
Everyone online made me pay for my crime”
Lonely bohemian says, “I don’t want to be alone
But I’m the only one who was asked to atone”
Lonely bohemian says, “Let me live another day
In case you’re wondering, no, I’m not okay”
Lonely bohemian says, “Can I stay with you tonight?
You’re the only one right now who’s keeping me alive”

PRE-CHORUS 2
“Kiss my lips, rub my back
Please protect me from all these attacks
Hold my hand, lay with me
Please don’t let me bleed”

CHORUS 2
Snap out of it, son, it’s a final fantasy
Brain ghosts shouldn’t even be asking me
To do emotional labor, save you from the haters
Of all the candies you chose, I’m not your first flavor

BRIDGE
I got so much to do, so much to live for
But magical thinking keeps me wanting more
It’s a cycle of addiction no different from crack
Lock myself in my room, don’t know when I’ll be back

VERSE 3
Magical woman meets lonely bohemian
Two twin flames, two lovely human beings
Do what you must in your hotel room
Get out of my head and do it fucking soon
Get married, have babies, buy a whole house
Watch a lot of Netflix on your leather couch
My work here is done, now I watch for number one
Ain’t no mystery in this land, it’s all in my hands