Garrison Kelly's Blog, page 4

Femcel Fatale

VERSE 1 (FEMCEL)
“I can’t play a game of Magic worth a good goddamn
But I bet you’re just dying to know who I am
I’m the woman of your dreams, the very worst kind
Let my demonic image burn right into your mind
What’s your telephone number? I like to talk a lot
Tell you all my dark secrets so spicy and hot
You’re coming with me if you’re ready or not
This is red dead city, you just might get shot”

PRE-CHORUS 1 (FEMCEL & ME)
“Hey! You gave me the wrong phone number!”
You want to know why? I’ll tell you why…

CHORUS (ME)
‘Cause you’re a creep
You’re a weirdo
What the hell are you doing here?
You don’t belong here

VERSE 2 (FEMCEL)
“Let’s go to Mickey D’s for our platonic date
But “platonic” and “no” are the words that I hate
The two of us can split a small Shamrock Shake
Only got one straw, my germs are yours to take
But you got your own straw to save your chiseled jaw
I got a blackbelt in judo and I’ll wrestle you raw
Sorry for the information, it’s a normal conversation
One dirty thought away from craving masturbation”

PRE-CHORUS 2 (FEMCEL & ME)
“Well…I had fun today!”
That makes one of us, my non-babe

CHORUS (ME)
‘Cause you’re a creep
You’re a weirdo
What the hell are you doing here?
You don’t belong here

VERSE 3 (FEMCEL)
“It’s been months since we talked, where the hell’s my body chalk?
I want to kill every man on this earth that still walks
I got a new man who puts up with my bigotry
I like to wax poetic about all men’s idiocy
I’m a perfect little princess who can do no wrong
Unlike that lady Chyna who cut off her own shlong
I’ll keep running my mouth forever and a day
You want my first amendment rights? Come take them away”

PRE-CHORUS (FEMCEL & ME)
“Come on, sit next to me on the couch!”
No thanks, I’d rather sit on a pin cushion

CHORUS (ME)
‘Cause you’re a creep
You’re a weirdo
What the hell are you doing here?
You don’t belong here

OUTRO (ME)
We’ll see each other again
Just kidding, you hate men
You’re not a feminist hero
You got a fan base of zero
Couldn’t find you with a Google search
You must have fucked off the face of the earth
Nothing of value was lost
Except for my sanity, it’s a heavy cost

Know Your Audience

I write because I look forward to a better day
You write laws where the teachers can’t say gay
You write for wifebeaters who have exes to pay
Conspiracy theorists who are scared of space rays
Femcels who still love Harry Potter
Twitter capitalists who disown their trans daughters
Russian spies who put ricin in your water
Big city cops arrested for manslaughter
Neckbeards who think wrestling is real
IDF soldiers who’ve got tender little feels
Girlbosses in five-thousand-dollar heels
Big mother truckers with five-thousand fucking wheels
Divorced dads who still listen to Disturbed
Libertarians who swear they’re not addicted to herbs
Movie stars who’ve been outed as pervs
Israeli politicians with some sensitive nerves
You and I, we’re not the same thing
Fight for different causes, fight for different wings
You can shoot your Bud Light with an AK-47
But when all is said and done, you’ll never go to heaven
Spend your whole life cowering from the devil
Only to realize you’re on a mediocre level
Drop the bravado, ‘cause it doesn’t mean shit
We’re already in hell, climate change burned all of it

Launch the Third Rock

When Armageddon’s come and gone, you’ll have nothing that you want
You’ll never get to heaven, ‘cause the Pearly Gates are locked
There’ll be no lake of fire for the sexual desires
Of men loving men, your Pastor Baiter is a liar

You want to flood the earth with a million little babies
But when they don’t show up for work, you label them as lazy
We didn’t stick around to be your economic plan
Fuck that Trickle Down shit, fuck it twice if you can

You created a world where the youth would die in failure
Either as a Devil Dog or a Navy SEAL sailor
You’ll never have to step up to the ones you call enemies
To keep all of your wealth, you’ll bomb anyone and anything

What will you do with all that big, big money
When you’ve drained the floating rock of its black, black honey?
There’s nothing left to buy, because it’s all in flames
Nowhere left to vacation, blow them up all the same

The last ones standing are the old farts in suits
Not even trees are left, ‘cause you sliced them at the root
All of this bravado to impress a phony prophet
A performance like this: how will you ever top it?

No time for an answer, because you’re going in the ground
Let the future generations put you in the lost and found
Oh wait, there’s nobody left to live this life
‘Cause you had to save some dollars, now society dies

Staring into nothing but an empty black screen
It’s a far cry from the fantasies of heavenly dreams
Born with a silver spoon, death by a shovel
The maggots and the worms are the only ones to cuddle

A civilization that drank its own poison
You ignored the warning signs, “Let the eyeballs moisten!”
No tears left to cry, because we’re all gonna die
Launch the third rock into the sun in the sky

Lose Your Job

VERSE 1
“Get off the couch, I’m a beefy alpha male
You’re a little beta simp with the body of a whale
Stop shoving all those burgers right into your gut
Hit you with a restraining order from Pizza Hut”
Hey wait, do you work at Planet Fitness?
You think being macho’s gonna get you a mistress?
I think your Red Pills might really be steroids
I’m calling your boss, he’ll make you unemployed

DIALOGUE
“You gonna fuck with my greenbacks, Cancel Boy?”
You’re goddamn right I am

NEENER-NEENER CHORUS
You’re gonna lose your job!
You’re gonna lose your job!
I’m gonna get you fired!
I’m gonna get you fired!
You’re gonna lose your job!
You’re gonna lose your job!
I’m gonna get you fired!
I’m gonna get you fired!

VERSE 2
“Hey, little lady, let’s make a million babies
In my cabin in the woods, not the ghettos in the hood
I’ll pay you a hundred bucks to pound your punani
Don’t tell nobody, least of all your nanny”
Hey wait, do you teach history at the school?
Do you make your kids watch Prager U and Tim Pool?
Makes me wonder if your students are virgins
We’ll see what the principal thinks of your perversion

DIALOGUE
“But…but…what about my income?”
Fuck your income

NEENER-NEENER CHORUS
You’re gonna lose your job!
You’re gonna lose your job!
I’m gonna get you fired!
I’m gonna get you fired!
You’re gonna lose your job!
You’re gonna lose your job!
I’m gonna get you fired!
I’m gonna get you fired!

BRIDGE
I’m petty as fuck, because you had to suck
I don’t give a shit if you’ve got negative bucks
There’s a homeless dude who wants your job
But you brushed him off as a drunken slob
There’s an impoverished mom and her son
Who you love to tell that, “Trump still won!”
But no, let’s pretend you’re the real victim
And every minority’s a top-hat-wearing villain

DIALOGUE
“I got canceled! What’ll I do now?”
Pull yourself up by the bootstraps!
OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!

NEENER-NEENER CHORUS
You’re gonna lose your job!
You’re gonna lose your job!
I’m gonna get you fired!
I’m gonna get you fired!
You’re gonna lose your job!
You’re gonna lose your job!
I’m gonna get you fired!
I’m gonna get you fired!

Kiss My Assassin

VERSE 1
When was the last time you shed a single tear?
Did you drown your sorrows in All-American beer?
Year after year, we fear for our lives
Will it be a semi-auto or some bayonet knives?
You got no heart, so you celebrate our deaths
We’re just a bunch of losers all addicted to meth
Since bigotry and bloodshed are your only passions
Put some chap stick on and KISS MY ASSASSIN!

VERSE 2
Sympathy and empathy are quid pro quo
Listening to you sob is like watching grass grow
You said it to us once upon a time
Now we return the favor, you MAGA slime
You can dish it out, but you can’t take it in
And you rally your militias every time you don’t win
Now that rioting has become the new fashion
Take off your shield helmet and KISS MY ASSASSIN!

BRIDGE
Rose red lips!
On my cheeks!
Not the ones on my face!
But the ones on my seat!
Lip balm stains!
On my starfish!
Just remember!
You started this!

VERSE 3
“Don’t sink to their level” is a way of life
For those who never had to bury their wife
She had a big dick, so she had to go under
That’s why your machinegun echoed like thunder
As it ripped apart every one of your victims
Every minor inconvenience to a prejudiced system
On the day your heart stops, you’ll get a nice crowd pop
I’ll pull down my pants and you can KISS MY ASSASSIN!

OUTRO
Pretty pink lips!
On my cake!
Your dignity!
Is mine to take!
Strawberry gloss!
On my crack!
You got no feelings!
You got no facts!
KISS MY ASSASSIN!

Flip the Kill Switch

VERSE 1
Story after story about violence so gory
It ain’t Hollywood glory, the nations are warring
Bright and early morning, air raid sirens give the warning
The napalm is pouring, children sleep without snoring
I get it all for free on my pretty little screen
I hear the little “DING!”, now I want to fucking scream
He says, “There’s no such thing as pain and suffering”
What the hell does that mean? Aren’t you watching them bleed?!

CHORUS 1
Turn it off! Can’t take anymore!
Turn it off! Don’t want to hear about war!
Take the screen and throw it like a son of a bitch!
Hurry up and end it! Flip the kill switch!

VERSE 2
Post after post of self-deprecating roasts
What they want the most is to be floating ghosts
Standing so close to the edge with the rope
It’s not a gallows joke, there really is no hope
I try to talk some sense to the ones who crave death
Don’t even ride the fence, it ain’t worth it in the end
He says, “If I up and went, I won’t have to pay the rent”
Are you fucked up in the head? No one wants to see you dead!

CHORUS 2
Turn it off! Can’t take anymore!
Turn it off! What’d you do that for?!
Take the screen and wake you up from the ditch!
Take your torture machine and flip the kill switch!

BRIDGE
Look around you, we’ve got so much in common
None of our lives turned out the way we wanted
Big dreams of a world where we keep the good times rolling
Lost forever to what we call doom-scrolling

25 Things That Got Me Through 2024

Well…with every year that passes in the 2020’s, I’m doing fewer and fewer activities, whether it’s creative passions or media engagement. That’s the nature of mental illness in a stressful decade that wouldn’t let up. I’ve described myself as having “negative spoons”, or less energy than a neurotypical person would ordinarily have. August was my favorite month of this fucked up year, because that’s when I’ve completely cut the cord on doom-scrolling and consuming rage-bait. Now that it’s September, I’m all out of mental energy again, because I spent all my spoons in one place. I know 2024 is far from over, but these 25 things have gotten me through it all. There might be more list items between now and January, but this is what I’ve got so far:

1. Adopting Mac & Molli (senior kitties)
2. Booker T’s WCW theme music
3. Brandon Sanderson: “Elantris” (not finished yet)
4. Creative writing (poetry, novelettes, and shower thoughts)
5. Cutting the cord on doom-scrolling
6. Dark Side of the Ring: Season Five (not finished yet)
7. Drowning Pool: “Tearing Away” (single)
8. Fatal Fury arcade soundtrack
9. Final Fight 2 soundtrack: “Bears Are Hiding in the Woods” (Japan theme)
10. Fire From the Gods: “American Sun”
11. Fire From the Gods: “Soul Revolution”
12. Latuda instead of Risperidone
13. Legacy.com’s You Tube channel
14. Lego dragon
15. Mac Lethal: “Tom MacDonald Is a Nazi” (single)
16. Marty Robbins: “Love Is Blue” (cover song)
17. Melatonin
18. Mother Mother: “It’s Alright” (single)
19. Nightcore and Daycore remixes
20. Silent Season: “Hopeless” (single)
21. Summer Farrelly (they/them)
22. The Neurodivergent Rebel a.k.a. Lyric Rivera (they/them)
23. The Punk Rock Autistic a.k.a. Dani Noreen (they/them)
24. The Speech Prof a.k.a. Professor Chesko
25. The Warning: “Breathe” (single)

Suck It Up

VERSE 1
When you drop bombs on your least favorite race
The whole world watches with tears on their face
When you cry Cancel Culture after the fact
It should be you in a coffin lying on your back
You never had to suffer like the ones you’ve killed
Just ask your billionaire daddies to pay all the bills
Sugar baby, crybaby, whatever you are
Take your insults on the chin like a boxing superstar

PRE-CHORUS
When we call you out on your disgusting violence
The Wahmbulance gets you, let’s flash the sirens

CHORUS
Suck it up! You’re guilty as charged!
Suck it up! Yet you’re still at large!
Suck it up! Answer for your sins!
Suck it up! It’s not a war you will win!
Suck it up!

VERSE 2
When you fire your gun at the poor and innocent
You better expect an international incident
A golden badge is not a shield from callouts
A precinct won’t save you from nuclear fallout
Your critics don’t have missiles to level the land
They’ve got two middle fingers, one in either hand
Maybe a brick if they’re feeling kind of froggy
A bloody concussion to make you feel groggy

CHORUS
Suck it up! You’re guilty as charged!
Suck it up! Yet you’re still at large!
Suck it up! Answer for your sins!
Suck it up! It’s not a war you will win!
Suck it up!

BRIDGE
A bruised ego or a rotting corpse?
Which one’s worse? The latter, of course
You play the victim and reverse criticism
Easy as pie, ‘cause you control the system

CHORUS
Suck it up! You’re guilty as charged!
Suck it up! Yet you’re still at large!
Suck it up! Answer for your sins!
Suck it up! It’s not a war you will win!
Suck it up!
Suck it up!
Suck it up!
Do the world a favor and shut the fuck up!

Rainbow Ranch, Epilogue

If this had been a feast on any other day, Lucy would have wolfed her entire plate down in record time. Every meal after that would have seen that record broken tenfold with even more food on her plate. But ever since the events of the past few days, pork sausages and gravy-smothered turkey weren’t at the forefront of her thoughts. She started those few days as a skinny little weakling who would shake and shiver at the thought of being obliterated by a sorcerer’s fireball. The destruction of her once beloved tennis ball nearly sent her spiraling off the deep end. But ever since finding the latent courage she always knew she had, there was a major decision she had to make. Would she continue to channel that courage into her newfound role as a soldier in the Shut Up, Stupid Dog squadron or would she return to a life of comfort and belly rubs?

The Chiweenie warrior scanned her bulging paranoid-looking eyes across the dining hall and saw that most of her brethren had chosen to return to the comfortable lives they once had. Gone were their humanoid features. In their place were the animal bodies that made them charming and vulnerable in the first place. Cats and dogs sitting at the long dinner table and slurping up chunks of meat with their tongues instead of forks and knives. If they had lips, the sounds of wet smacking would echo throughout the castle. King James Gaines sat at the head of the table with his own plate of mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, and ham slices. To his left was Razor Ripley, an ironic choice for a dinner guest considering skeletons literally didn’t have the guts to eat a gigantic meal. Ripley’s magic was responsible for changing the animal guests back to their original forms, so it was only right that he joined this celebration of victory.

Lucy couldn’t find it in her heart to blame these animals for choosing comfort over duty. Ozzie and Callie were well past their prime years and deserved to enjoy a bowl of broth together as the couple they once were. Loki had no business being involved in Harrison’s war at all, so to see him munching down on juicy steak was a long time coming. Every last member of the Shut Up, Stupid Dogs squadron never wanted to be a part of the war either; they were victims of circumstance. Rainbow Ranch was never meant to be a warring nation. It was built to be an animal’s paradise, a second chance for animals who never knew what love was. In Lucy’s mind, that all changed the minute King Harrison decided to bastardize what he and his brother worked so hard to create together. In Lucy’s mind…never again would this be allowed to happen…

“Something troubling you, Lucy?” asked King James. “Your plate has gone untouched throughout this entire event. This is your celebration. What ails you?”

And just like that, Lucy’s mind was made up. She hopped out of her golden chair and scampered over to where James and Ripley were sitting. She cleared her throat in her usual skittish manner, bowed to her masters, and stood up straight with her paws behind her back. “Your majesty, I have something to say. I want to continue fighting for the Shut Up, Stupid Dogs!”

James and Ripley’s eyes widened at the revelation, while the dogs and cats continued to munch on their meals like dogs and cats were always meant to do, no involvement in human affairs whatsoever. Ripley asked, “Are you sure this is what you want? You looked so terrified out on the battlefield, like you couldn’t wait to curl up next to the fireplace once it was all over. Why put yourself through such misery again?”

“it’s not miserable!” said Lucy defensively. “I believe in my homeland! I believe in everything we stand for! If another jumbo jerk like Harrison wants to take it from us, he’ll have to go through me!” She punctuated that sentence by jumping high in the air and raising her clenched paw. “I’ll teach the next generation of puppers everything I know about courage and strength! Together we can beat anything that comes our way! We’ll give them the old one, two, buckle your shoe!” The spinning motion was easier to do without her hammer, therefore she landed perfectly on her metal-booted feet.

“Your enthusiasm is a breath of fresh air, Lucy the Hammer,” complimented King James. “You do realize that training a new generation of animal warriors is a big responsibility, do you not? It takes a lot of patience, much more wisdom, and the heart of a champion. You’re putting an entire squadron’s lives on your shoulders, which means you’ll have so many expectations to not only meet, but exceed. Are you prepared to take on that role?”

“Yes, sir!” The overly-excited Lucy spun around in the air once again and landed like a graceful dancer. “Give me everything you’ve got, your majesty! Let me at ‘em! We’ll be the best squadron ever and nobody will beat us! All hail the Shut Up, Stupid Dogs!” James and Ripley’s shoulders sagged as though Lucy had said something wrong. “Huh?”

“About that name…” said Ripley. “It’s officially retired. It was a rather cruel way of keeping you and your brethren in line. You and your new recruits deserve so much better than to be yelled at by an old codger like me. We need something that represents the spunky spirit of our animal soldiers. Something uplifting. Something worthy of their new leader’s excitement and zest for life. Something like…The Tennis Ball Gang!”

Lucy and James looked at Ripley as though he had worms crawling out of his mouth, which were probably stuck in his brain somewhere to come up with an idea like that. “Hear me out, you two.” Ripley cleared his throat. “Lucy…that tennis ball was more than a toy for you. It represented something deep within your childlike soul. It represented all the positivity you had despite being placed in a terrible situation that was not of your own making. There were many sad times during your journey, but all they did was lock the positive spirit away until it was needed the most. And when that beloved tennis ball was destroyed in combat, you knew your enemy had made a grave mistake. That tennis ball wasn’t just a toy. It represented passion.”

King James patted Ripley’s bony hand. “The sentiment is not lost on me, but outside of our royal circle, no one would know what that meant. Suppose another enemy comes along and threatens our homeland. What if he hears the name Tennis Ball Gang and finds nothing but amusement?”

“Let them laugh, your majesty!” Lucy’s excitement took over once again. “Those buttheads can have all the comedy they want, but we’ll see if they’re still laughing after losing to a scared little Chiweenie! Nobody will live down taking a loss at the hands of The Tennis Ball Gang! We’ll be remembered forever! History teachers will love us! Our enemies will learn to fear us! And nobody will mess with our precious fur babies ever again!” Lucy spun around in the air even higher this time, once again sticking the landing like an athlete.

James and Ripley stared contemplatively at each other for a while before nodding in agreement. James stood up with a goblet of wine in hand, a proud declaration on the horizon. “Very well! If that’s what you desire the most, it shall be done! Lucy the Hammer, you are now the official captain of The Tennis Ball Gang! You and your charges will work with other squadrons to ensure the safety of our precious homeland! When we say never again, we mean never again! Congratulations, Lucy! An honor well-deserved! Cheers!”

As King James took a drink of his wine, Lucy ran circles around his ankles thanking him over and over again like she consumed a handful of pixie sticks. Excitement came naturally for Lucy no matter what the situation, but it all came rushing out at once at the prospect of this new role she had been given. It was indeed an exciting time to be alive. Rainbow Ranch really did give second chances and Lucy took full advantage of those opportunities. Even Razor Ripley couldn’t help but crack a proud grin knowing that his once weakest link was now his strongest ally.

What did the cats and dogs think of all this? Were they every bit as excited about this new era for Rainbow Ranch? Were they looking forward to a bright future where happiness was the norm and love ruled over all? Nah. They were more interested in chomping on their plates of meat and licking their own buttholes, not necessarily in that order. What a bunch of divas.

Spoon Feed

The yellow monkeys love to do kung fu
The curtains are blue, because they set the mood
The diamonds are red, they adorn your boobs
Some food for thought that’ll put you off food

What’s the matter? Didn’t make a lick of sense?
You’re a fickle motherfucker, always on the fence
Do you want to be fed with a silver spoon?
A jar of Gerber, hope your tummy has room

I can’t make heads or tails of my own symbolism
I threw it all together, ‘cause I thought I had a vision
Come to think of it, I need to be spoon fed too
Open up the hangar for an airplane or two

Open wide like you’re taking a trip to the dentist
Here’s an infodump to overload your senses
Dumping is something you do with your ass
Any wonder why we’re stuck in a middle school class?

I hope I’ve got an out, because I’m on the spectrum
I know it could never be a shield or a weapon
When the C+ stares into my eyes like a demon
I don’t get mad or rich, I want to get even

It’s me and my madness against the world
Some authors wear pentagrams, some authors wear pearls
How do I stand out a cut above the rest?
Do better on the scan sheet bubble filling test

But that shit don’t work, they just laugh
They always remind you to forge your own path
When tax time comes, you got to do your own math
They put you through the wringer, leave you crawling with your fingers

I don’t expect the world to know what it’s like
To feel like a stranger at an open mic night
To feel like puking at the thought of being famous
Keep thumbing your nose, go ahead and shame us