Garrison Kelly's Blog, page 9

Bad Comedy

(In the style of “Bad Company” by Bad Company)

VERSE 1
Comedy is supposed to be about fun
I’d rather off myself with a loaded gun
You were born with sense of humor cancer
The crowd is dead, army of a necromancer

CHORUS 1
That’s why they call you
Bad comedy, not a laugh or a cry
Bad, bad comedy, your edge is all a lie
Your edge is all a lie
Your edge is all a lie

VERSE 2
Oh so brave, a rebel you’ve been called
Truth teller? I’ve never been so appalled
And now these crowds, they boo you off the stage
Your lame-ass jokes, they will poorly age

CHORUS 2
That’s why they call you
Bad comedy, you got too many tries
Bad, bad comedy, no pay-per-view buys
No pay-per-view buys
No pay-per-view buys

BRIDGE
Laugh at the vulnerable
Laugh at the “truth”
You’re wasting your time
We’re wasting our youth

CHORUS 3
That’s why they call you
Bad comedy, go ahead and deny
Bad, bad comedy, shut up and make my fries
Shut up and make my fries
Until the day you die

Fighting with My Friends

VERSE 1
I got vaccinated, I got educated
I thought that’d be the end, but now I’m fighting with my friends
Every autumn moon to a boiling hot June
I’ve got to defend from my own friends
They call it a debate, I call it pure hate
A never-ending trend is that I’m fighting with my friends
Fight for no reason but familial treason
Let’s not pretend we’re not fighting with our friends

VERSE 2
I take a battle axe to your alternative facts
Hit me ‘til I’m dead, so much for being friends
Blame me for the end, no fences to mend
Covered in blood for fighting with my friends
It’s no use to pretend it’s not abuse
Beat me ‘til I bend, because I’m fighting with my friends
Use your country’s flag as a Molotov rag
Burn the bridges red, can’t go back to being friends

BRIDGE
Dust to dust, ash to ash
In myself I trust, all others pay cash
Sounds like a joke to the outer circle
Laugh that shit up while you burp and gurgle
You don’t know what the fuck I’ve been through
Keep on laughing until your face is navy blue
Fighting with the enemy is one little thing
It’s ten times worse when you’re under someone’s wing

FINAL LINES
Fighting with my friends!
Fighting with my allies!
Fighting the whole world!
Everyone’s a bad guy!

I Deserve to Be Alive

I might be problematic
But that’s always automatic
I’ll never take a dive
I deserve to be alive

I’ve got a checkered past
The damage done will last
Guilt’s beyond a nine to five
I deserve to be alive

I’m spinning my wheels
Made no business deals
Got no capitalist drive
I deserve to be alive

My future is uncertain
And it’s my anxious burden
Got no kids or wives
I deserve to be alive

I’ve broken every cycle
Without praying to St. Michael
Put down the pocket knives
You deserve to be alive
You deserve to have some fun
You deserve to be the one
Who keeps spreading the love
They’ll never get enough

The past is gone forever
Prepare for sunny weather
We’re a family, not a hive
We deserve to be alive
We deserve to be alive
We deserve to be alive
We deserve nothing less
Than life’s very best

Army of Love

VERSE 1
There are so many people who want me to bleed
Because a victim who freezes is what they need
I don’t carry a gun and I’m not a blackbelt
I’m just a geeky motherfucker with a bad hand dealt
These cyclone thoughts turned me into a night owl
Wipe away my tears with a dirty hand towel
Is there anybody out there who wants to talk?
To listen and feel, not to judge and mock?

PRE-CHORUS 1
If I can’t build an army of forever soldiers
Then I’ll build one of lovers who never grow colder

CHORUS 1
Army of love, army of love
Pretty little angels from earth and above
Army of love, army of love
Everybody’s welcome, no need to push and shove

VERSE 2
One act of kindness can alleviate shyness
Buy you a coffee, tip the clerk the highest
Give you a hug that’s warmer than sunlight
Shield you from bullets in an endless gunfight
Make your puffy red eyes beautiful and bright
Want another hug? I’ll make this one extra tight
And that’s how I recruit for my army of love
Now spread it around until we’re one choir sound

PRE-CHORUS 2
I don’t need to build an army of machinegun shooters
Or a secret cabal of money-hungry corporate suiters

CHORUS 2
Army of love, army of love
When you feel like you can’t do nearly enough
Army of love, army of love
A bond like this is unbreakably tough

BRIDGE
They might overwhelm us most of the time
But we’re not in the grave, out of hell we’ll climb
Taking care of each other shouldn’t be a crime
It shouldn’t cost millions or even a dime

CHORUS 3
Army of love, army of love
It’s not a war or even competition
Army of love, army of love
Keep each other alive, it’s our only mission
Army of love, army of love
You don’t have to be the center of the universe
Army of love, army of love
Know that you’re cared for, valid, and so much more

Trees and Rocks

(In the style of Wesley Willis)

VERSE 1
Nature vacations are the worst
It’s just trees and rocks
They sit there and do nothing
You can’t buy chicken from a tree

CHORUS
Nature is so boring
Nature is so boring
Nature is so boring
Nature is so boring

VERSE 2
Where are all the heavy metal bands?
Where are the wrestling matches?
Where are the arcade machines?
You can’t play Double Dragon in a creek

CHORUS
Nature is so boring
Nature is so boring
Nature is so boring
Nature is so boring

VERSE 3
There are no animals in the forest
Except the ones that can kill you
Grizzlies will eat you alive
You can’t talk about barbarians and wizards with a bear

CHORUS
Nature is so boring
Nature is so boring
Nature is so boring
Nature is so boring

FINAL VERSE
If trees had wi-fi signals
I’d go there in a heartbeat
And order fried chicken from Door Dash

Prison or Death

CHORUS
Prison or death, fuck all the rest
Torture at worst, oblivion at best
Freeze or fawn until they’re all gone
Their memories haunt from dusk to dawn

VERSE 1
Hurricane is coming, a storm from within
Beat their ass raw, corpse in the bin
Whether it’s over a one-word insult
Or god’s favorite weapon: a lightning bolt
Revenge is a dish best served bloody rare
Don’t try to live well, just go on a tear
Murder feels good in the heat of the moment
But not in a cell where you’re lonely and hopeless

CHORUS
Prison or death, fuck all the rest
Torture at worst, oblivion at best
Freeze or fawn until they’re all gone
Their memories haunt from dusk to dawn

VERSE 2
Froze like a blizzard, the sinners go free
But war flashbacks are all that you see
Four letter words to go with the punches
A mile-high bill to go with the crutches
Raging rapids of red puffy tears
To take away all of your natural years
If you could do things a different way
Would you need a machete to make them pay?

CHORUS
Prison or death, fuck all the rest
Torture at worst, oblivion at best
Freeze or fawn until they’re all gone
Their memories haunt from dusk to dawn

BRIDGE
If passive silence is complicity
Mass homicide is more sickening
Always afraid of making things worse?
Welcome to hell, enjoy your curse

EXTENDED CHORUS
Prison or death, fuck all the rest
Torture at worst, oblivion at best
Freeze or fawn until they’re all gone
Their memories haunt from dusk to dawn
Flight or fight, does might equal right?
In the ICU, who spends the night?
You just can’t win even if you survive
You just can’t live even if you’re alive

25 Things That Got Me Through 2023

Well…2023 isn’t over yet, but this is a list of 25 things that either got me through it or will get me through it (hence the list items marked “future”). This was inspired by Innuendo Studios’ 2020 list back in…well…2020. Ever since it’s become a yearly tradition for me. Are you ready? Here we go. And whatever you do…don’t yuck my yum!

1. Babymetal X Dethklok concert with Jason Richardson opening for them (future)
2. Callum Markie (not to be confused with calamari)
3. Chicken Soup for the Pet Lover’s Soul
4. Conure
5. Dark Side of the Ring Season 4
6. Drew McIntyre’s memoir (future)
7. Final Fantasy Mystic Quest soundtrack
8. Frank Miller: “Sin City 2: A Dame to Kill For”
9. Ghostbusters: Spectral Shenanigans, Vol. 1
10. Honest Ads
11. Keffals
12. Lo-Fi Chill Music on You Tube
13. Mason Denver
14. Minecraft Lego sets
15. Niko’s 8-Bit Stereo
16. Nothing More concert with Crown the Empire and Thousand Below opening for them
17. Optimus Prime Lego set
18. Rachel Oates: “Reflections on Healing”
19. Stanzi Potenza
20. Sting concert with his son Joe opening for him (future)
21. Tales From the Hood soundtrack
22. Tears For Fears concert with Cold War Kids opening for them
23. Tool concert (future)
24. Xanderhal
25. Zena & Poppy: Wholesome Degenerates

Rainbow Ranch, Chapter 2

Lucy could have searched the entirety of Rainbow Ranch up and down and it wouldn’t have done anything but make her lonelier. Not a friend in sight. Not even a piece of driftwood came from that flood. The more she traveled, the harder she hugged herself for warmth. She became dangerously close to creating her own flood with the tears that she held back. Her old fur parents wouldn’t have faulted her for crying. She could have done it all she wanted when she was abandoned on this island with many others. Razor Ripley didn’t want “weakness” in his ranks, but Loki the Skull was even more discouraging of vulnerability due to the insane king that haunted his soul. King Harrison wanted Lucy the Hammer to bear a grudge against her abandoners, but all he succeeded in doing was making her resent him instead.

The frosty wind gathering around Lucy did nothing to ease her resentment. “That mean old jerk!” she muttered to herself through shivering breaths. With the power station knocked out, there was nothing to guard against the chilly weather that made Lucy shake harder than any sorrow ever could. She had been wandering aimlessly for so long that she failed to take in her surroundings. There was indeed harsh snow dusting the ground and making the air nip at her fur harder than fleas. “Where am I?” she asked. “Where are my friends? Where’s my tennis ball? I want my mommy and daddy…”

With very little meat on her bones (armor notwithstanding), she knew she would perish in this weather and was strangely okay with it. This was what abandonment meant to her. Rainbow Ranch was a lie. Her dumpers were right all along. And as long as Razor Ripley was upset with her, she would never prove them wrong. Debating wasn’t where she excelled in life despite having a yappy bark, which she missed using in the presence of her squad mates.

And then…a warm breeze passed over her, putting a tiny smile on her face. The more she felt this, the harder her tail wagged. Lucy yapped and barked as she dashed toward the source of this heavenly heat. Among the uncaring frost was a tiny grotto which radiated a warm orange glow. Hopefully, whoever dwelled in this place was as warm as the heat radiating from within. It would have been easier for Lucy to knock, but her happy zeal carried her past the entranceway regardless, romping inside like a wild stampede.

The minute the heat warmed her aching bones, she breathed a sigh of relief and plopped down on her butt. There could have been a fire-breathing dragon in this grotto and Lucy wouldn’t have cared as long as she could feel this heat forever. Though the breeze was no substitute for a mother’s hug, it came pretty close. Her eyes widened at the sound of a phonograph playing gentle guitar and violin music. As if the relaxation couldn’t be more blissful, now she was going to be lulled to sleep by the sweet strums of guitar strings and graceful glides of violins. Lucy yawned before placing her paws behind her head and smiling her way into the dreamworld.

Her subconscious vacation lasted as long as one of her kibble dinners as a pup. The record scratched and the new age lullaby was replaced by the hisses and growls of an angry cat. Lucy gulped and slowly opened her eyes to see an elderly anthropomorphic cat standing over her. The cat flashed her cutting fangs, balanced a golden knife in her hands, all while hogging the warmth for herself in her orange knitted armor with brown leather boots.

“Are…are you Ozzie the Wise?” asked a trembling Lucy before turning her head away in anticipation of a scratch.

“Ozzie the Wise is nothing more than a myth,” the cat growled in a feminine voice. “I’m Callie the Wildfire and you’ve crossed into my domain. What makes you think you’re welcome here? This is not a stray shelter. Move along, fleabag!”

“Wait, wait, wait!” begged Lucy before nipping up. “You don’t understand! I’m a member of the Shut Up Stupid Dogs! I’m here to help you! There’s a wizard on the loose and…”

“And you led him here, didn’t you.” Callie’s arms were crossed, blade still balanced in her paw.

“No, no! It’s not like that! You see, my…um…my squad mates were all…” Lucy gulped in an attempt to come up with an answer that never came.

“Let me guess: they met a cruel and unfair end at the hands of this wizard,” Callie said coldly.

“Um…yes…I mean…I hope not…” The tears were harder for Lucy to fight, but fight them she did.

“This is what happens when one of your kings decides to turn perfectly happy animals into monstrosities. This was always the plan for him. You think you’re the only one who misses your mommy? I miss mine too! I never had responsibilities and I don’t want them now. And yet, here you are begging for my help when my generator is sputtering and flickering.”

“Please, Miss Callie!” Lucy got on two knees and held her hands together like a prayer. “I can help you fix your generator if you just let me stay a while! Besides, you’re in danger! So is Ozzie the Wise!”

Callie tucked her head and turned her back to Lucy. “Ozzie the Wise is a danger to himself.”

“What do you mean? You know him?”

“I used to. He and I were supposed to be beddy-buddies in our fur parents’ humble home. We did everything together. And then…you know by now what King Harrison did. Ever since then, Ozzie became obsessed with responsibilities that were never his. He learned how to use magic and the more he used, the more his mind shut off. He’s not the man I loved so many years ago. I don’t even know who he is. HE doesn’t even know who he is. If he hasn’t gone down the same path as King Harrison with his insanity, he sure as heck is on his way there.”

Lucy stood up and hung her own head. “I’m sorry to hear about that, Miss Callie.”

“Don’t feel sorry for me, little pup. Animals never had a say in their own fates anyways, whether we were human-like or not. If our destinies are going to be chosen for us, then at the very least they should be chosen by people who undoubtedly care for us.”

“That’s…that’s so sad…”

Callie sighed and faced Lucy once more. “When you’re as old as I am, sadness becomes part of the norm. You’re not there yet, but you’ll get there someday. Your joints will ache. Your body will break down. Your mind will cannibalize itself. And then…we all fall down and die.”

“Why not speed up the process?!”

Lucy and Callie gasped before turning to find those words came from Loki the Skull, lightning swirling his hands and poison dripping from his fangs.

“So…you DID lead him here, didn’t you! Foolish oaf!” screamed Callie before she pulled out her knife to confront Loki.

“Callie, wait!”

It was too late; Callie already engaged her enemy with the fastest of stabs. Her paw blurred and flashed because of this speed, which left Lucy wide-eyed and awestruck. “Cool,” Lucy whispered to herself. Soon enough, her stabs began chipping away a the stone walls of her own grotto. She for sure had victory well within hand…until Loki blasted her with an energy ball and send her crashing into her record collection.

Lucy gasped as Callie picked herself up to fight again. But once she saw her records and phonograph destroyed, she collapsed to her knees and trembled in sorrow. “Oh no…no…Ozzie loved this music…and it’s gone…All of it’s gone…” She hugged her possessions and tried her damnedest not to break down in front of her mortal enemy. The last connection she had to her past, gone. All gone. Maybe she really should have “sped up the process”.

“YOU BIG FAT MEANIE! I’M GOING TO SMASH YOU GOOD!” An enraged Lucy drew her war hammer and charged at Loki with all of her scrappy might. Spittle flew from her lips like rabies and the warmth of the grotto was replaced with hellfire rage for her sworn enemy. She swung. She smashed. She pounded. She gave the old “one, two, buckle your shoe”…and her hammer went flying once again, jutting into the stone wall.

Loki, who dodged every shot Lucy gave, mockingly pulled the hammer out of the wall and dangled it in front of her. “This yours?”

“Give it back, you sick little mutt!” Every time Lucy jumped up and reached for it, Loki held it out of her way. Bored with this dog-exclusive game of cat and mouse, Loki zapped Lucy in the chest with a thunder bolt and send her barreling across the grotto. She coughed and wheezed at the damage while Loki continued to taunt her with the hammer.

“You want this back? Come get it. It’ll be waiting patiently for you in Ozzie’s home!”

“YOU LEAVE OZZIE ALONE, YOU PIG DOG! AND GIVE ME BACK MY HAMMER!” shrieked Lucy.

Loki ignored her command and teleported out of sight, black dust following him out.

Defeated and humiliated, Lucy dropped to her knees once more and pounded the dirt ground with her fists. “It’s not fair! It’s just not fair! Why does he get to have all the magic and all I’ve got is this stupid hammer?!”

“Magic?! What’s all this about magic?!” snapped Callie as she stood up to collect herself. “Ozzie the Wise has plenty of magic! He’s beaten King Harrison before and he’ll beat him again! You want your hammer back?! I want my past back! Come on, let’s got them both!”

Bewildered, Lucy asked, “So…you’re not mad at me anymore?”

Callie placed her paw on Lucy’s shoulder and stretched her claw. “Let me put it this way: I’m madder at King Harrison than I am at you. I’ll deal with you another time. But for now…” She held up a piece from one of her broken records. Lucy gulped in fear, but understood the mission at hand.

Lionize the Bad Guy

VERSE 1
He’s got a whole ass file on his favorite chicky
Face Book bikini picks gives him a sticky dicky
Send her a thousand letters, give the envelope a licky
Beat her man with driftwood or make the gun go clicky-clicky
It’s society that made him a little sicky-sicky
Hurry and say sorry, ‘cause time is ticky-ticky
Moral grayness is always tricky-tricky
That’s why you can never be too picky-picky

CHORUS
Lionize the bad guy
It’s everyone else’s fault
That he’s such a sad guy
Now the spinning world has come to a halt

VERSE 2
Everyone’s favorite story is when zero turns to hero
Might get a good review from some dude named Shapiro
Might become the manifesto of some basement-dwelling weirdo
Might become the ammunition to break the attrition

CHORUS
Lionize the bad guy
It’s everyone else’s fault
That he’s such a sad guy
Now the spinning world has come to a halt

VERSE 3
Who do you let play with your brain like clay?
They’ve lost their way, it’s as clear as day
They made you laugh, made you cry a long time ago
Now you’re swimming in tears, they’re rolling in dough
Money’s kind of funny in the way it controls everything
Who gets the cardboard box, who gets the brass ring?
It’s the same ring you put your lips on before their boots
All because you found toxic romance to be cute

EXTENDED CHORUS
Lionize the bad guy
It’s everyone else’s fault
That he’s such a sad guy
Now the spinning world has come to a halt
Demonize the tearful
They’re always just so sensitive
And always so fearful
In a world that pisses away evidence

FINAL LINE
Goodnight, my supreme gentlemen. And always remember: it’s never your fault.

Choir of Evil

VERSE 1
Shave their heads down to their skulls
Shove a ball gag in their pie holes
Dress them in scrubs, all the same color
Drain their eyes of awe and wonder
Not a single word and no thoughts
Just hum the bars like lifeless robots
Sing the same song every night
Until they get the damn thing right

CHORUS
Choir of evil! Less than real people!
Choir of conformity! The true majority!
Choir of death! Numbness in their heads!
Choir of evil! Choir of evil!

VERSE 2
Those who believe will live another day
Others get beaten for going astray
Same clones, but different bruises
Flesh and teeth are what everyone loses
The only reward is a thumping heart
A pulse that doesn’t fly off the charts
The choir of evil is better off dead
Brains and tears melting in their heads

CHORUS
Choir of evil! Less than real people!
Choir of conformity! The true majority!
Choir of death! Numbness in their heads!
Choir of evil! Choir of evil!

VERSE 3
What’s the purpose? What’s it all for?
To get the cult ready for a holy war
Those who fight without question
Just might make it into heaven
Those who zig-zag just a little bit
Will rot in an underworld of fire and shit
There’s no way out except of your meat suit
Decaying shells grow the sweetest fruit

BRIDGE
They call these men deprogrammers
Debate you with unequaled grammar
Shatter your beliefs like a ball-peen hammer
Better than a lifetime in the county slammer
Shaking you, wake up, you son of a bitch
There’s a reason your family made them rich
Come home to the smell of ribeye steaks
Taste better than the gag that makes your jaw ache

FINAL LINES
Come home!
Come home!
Come home!
Tap out and it’ll all be over!

CULTIST SCREAMING
I GIVE UP!