Garrison Kelly's Blog, page 13

Chainsaw Channing Lugar

VERSE 1
Channing’s paycheck couldn’t buy him a feast
But he’s got beer and Netflix, at the very least
That’s what he gets for selling power tools
At the hardware store right out of trade school
Last thing he needed was the store to be robbed
What was there to steal? Nails and door knobs?
His nightmare came true at his work one day
“Stick them hands up or I’ll blow your ass away!”

VERSE 2
Robber opened the cash box and collected wallets
An act of patriotism is what he will call it
He needed the money to overthrow the “gum mint”
Buy some big ass bombs and some cool gun shit
He turned his back for a second too many
Just when he tried to squeeze out the last penny
Channing Lugar fired up the chainsaw
Morphed from working class stiff to a pain god

VERSE 3
The chase took place across several blocks
Robber left a trail of urine from his cock
Shit from his ass blew a hole in his jeans
Channing smelled Hooter’s steak and green beans
Even COVID deniers wanted to wear masks
Breathing human sewage is an unenviable task
Not nearly as bad as blood from the slash
Mutilation by chainsaw, corpse in the trash

VERSE 4
Is Channing Lugar a hero or a killer?
Not a rhetorical question or pointless filler
So many questions from lawyers and cops
They wade through blood and biological slop
Local news called him Chainsaw Channing Lugar
Said, “Hold my beer!” to Jason and Kruger
Going too far only works if you’re rich
Powerful too, not a working class bitch

My Personal Space Is Not a Free Country

CHORUS
My personal space is not a free country
Not a debate where you go headhunting
Not a democracy, not a theocracy
Not pornography with rape and sodomy

VERSE 1
I’m a working class stiff from Port Orchard
I spend my time giving out fast food orders
Don’t like what I eat? Fuck off from the heat
The kitchen’s too hot, but you act like it’s not
Raise your voice at me like a drill instructor
You get double middle fingers, you motherfucker
You’re in my zone, you don’t have free speech
Don’t whine about welfare, you’re the real leech

CHORUS
My personal space is not a free country
Not a debate where you go headhunting
Not a democracy, not a theocracy
Not pornography with rape and sodomy

VERSE 2
Autistic obsessions over trivial hobbies
They’re mine all mine, no point in sobbing
I’ll spend my time doing whatever I want
You call it a waste of time, it’s clearly not
I’m having fun without hurting anybody
I’m not your specimen to probe and study
Never once told you to stop watching football
So fuck all the way off, it’s the only good call

EXTENDED CHORUS
My personal space is not a free country
Not a debate where you go headhunting
Not a democracy, not a theocracy
Not pornography with rape and sodomy
If I hit a block button on the internet app
Don’t come at me with your bigoted crap
My personal space is not a town square
I never asked you, so I don’t really care

BRIDGE
Put your gun away, you won’t need it here
Shelve your holy book, my message is clear
Do all of that shit behind your own closed doors
Don’t treat my house like a base for the Corps

FINAL LINE
My personal space is not a free country!

The Screamers

OPENING LINE
I don’t want to get over it
I want you to change your behavior

VERSE 1
Life would be great if it wasn’t for the people
What jerks will you meet? Let’s spin the wheel
It’s not America’s game show, but Russian Roulette
A bullet to the dome is what you’re bound to get
The screamers, the shooters, and everyone between
Barely an inconvenience on the TV news screen
The boogeyman they choose was never at fault
For bringing the economy to a grinding halt

CHORUS
Whenever I want to get on with my life
Always somebody there to bring down the knife
Just when I have the world all figured out
Here come the zealots ready to shoot and shout
The screamers!
The screamers!
Killing all the dreamers!
The screamers!

VERSE 2
Logic doesn’t work on the ones who need it most
They got the muscles of a Chad, brains of burned toast
You can lead a zombie to the doors of a college class
But you can’t make him pull his head out of his ass

CHORUS
Whenever I want to get on with my life
Always somebody there to bring down the knife
Just when I have the world all figured out
Here come the zealots ready to shoot and shout
The screamers!
The screamers!
Killing all the dreamers!
The screamers!

VERSE 3
When someone is too young to be a self-advocate
Their brains are molded by good old sacrament
They grow up to buy their own rifles and ammo
And they shoot up the world while wearing camo
These are the people we share a space with
Yet they call the disenfranchised a democratic myth

CHORUS
Whenever I want to get on with my life
Always somebody there to bring down the knife
Just when I have the world all figured out
Here come the zealots ready to shoot and shout
The screamers!
The screamers!
Killing all the dreamers!
The screamers!

25 Things That Got Me Through 2022

Just like in 2020 and 2021, I’ve got a list of 25 things that got me through 2022, which in turn was inspired by Innuendo Studios. Why? Because the fuckery isn’t over yet and silver linings are more important now than they’ve ever been. Anyways, here’s the list:

1. Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely
2. Dark Side of the Ring Season 3
3. Diablo II Soundtrack
4. Diablo II Videogame
5. Everdell
6. Final Jeopardy clips
7. Five Finger Death Punch concert with Megadeth, The Hu, and Fire From the Gods opening for them
8. Golden Axe Soundtrack (SEGA Genesis version)
9. Incubus concert with Sublime with Rome, The Aquadolls, and Naked Giants opening for them
10. Jon Moxley’s memoir
11. Magic: the Gathering
12. Maus II by Art Spiegelman
13. Pathfinder, Vol. 4: Origins
14. Quacks of the Quedlinberg
15. Reads with Rachel
16. Rocked (Luke Spencer’s You Tube channel)
17. Roger Waters: This Is Not a Drill concert
18. Starcraft Soundtrack
19. Sting: The Bridge
20. Sunstone, Vol. 1 by Stjepan Sejic
21. Super Human by Michael Carroll
22. Tears For Fears: The Tipping Point
23. The Price Is Right clips
24. Warcraft II Soundtrack
25. Wheel of Fortune bonus round clips

Held Down

The dying candlelight in the sky shone through Duane Root’s barred window and sizzled his eyes like bacon and eggs. The tighter he closed them, the more green and purple clouds swirled in his dark vision. The C clamp on his head seemed to crack his skull with how tightly it pushed his brains together. The hairy demonic arms that held him down in his quicksand bed squeezed every last breath of air out of his already exhausted body. What was the point of fighting his self-imposed bondage? What was the point of getting out of bed for a day that was going to end as quickly as it began?

Using what little freedom he had left in his arm, Duane shielded his eyes with his hand and tried to read his obnoxious grandfather clock with blurry vision. He knew he slept long enough to justify a coffin instead of a bed. But when he saw the time read five o’clock at night, he cursed to himself and slumped defeated into his crushing, yet strangely comfortable bed. “I have to go to work tomorrow…I hate work…I should just sleep in again…”

Surrendering to the tightening arms and the bone-snapping head vice would have been the easy way out. Easy was how Duane liked things. What wasn’t easy was the rumbling in his tummy that seemed to drum against his barely visible ribcage. “Jesus Christ…” he muttered into an uncaring universe. “I’d kill for a pizza right now.” With the weakness paralyzing his body, he wished he was the target of his would-be pizza murder. In a way, hunger was a murderer of its own, but its methods were slow and torturous. “What a shitty way to die…”

Duane fought and struggled to free himself from the demonic arms, but it was like losing a wrestling match to a dormant elephant sitting on his already inflamed ribs. He struggled some more, not out of love for life, but out of love for whatever was rotting in his fridge and needed to be eaten. His strength diminished with every tug against the arms. His brains liquefied against the vice grip. It would have been easy to just to give up and only allow his corporate masters to free him for a twelve-hour day of even more torture.

But after a few more squeezes and squirms, Duane freed himself from the monstrous arms, which subsequently crawled by their bladed fingers underneath his box-spring. Duane even managed to rip the vice off of his greasy, partially-bloody hair. Winning that championship wrestling match from hell didn’t take nearly as much out of him as sitting up on his butt. His head swirled like a tornado ripping his synapses apart. He was sure he was about to have a stroke. His stomach even rebelled against him despite not having anything to puke up in the first place.

After a few deep breaths, Duane Root’s equilibrium returned to him and his stomach calmed down. The green and purple eye fog blew away in these mini-breezes from his lungs. He could see again. But what he saw drained all hope from his already sloppy brain. The sun was descending underneath the horizon. The cobwebs in the corners of his room accumulated. The sticky floor clung to his naked feet with every step he took. His pajama pants and dirt-covered Pearl Jam shirt could have put him back to sleep with how musty they smelled.

The way Duane walked across his bedroom floor reflected how exhausted he was by everything around him. It was a zombie crawl on two legs. It was death being propped up with skinny twigs. It was an act of self-mutilation just to take another step out into the kitchen. But step into the kitchen he did. In case climbing one mountain of filth wasn’t enough, the mountain got even taller when he saw how many dishes were piled up in his sink. The demonic worms crawled across them, eating away at crusted egg stains and snickering at him with rancid food between their bladed teeth.

“Okay, Duane, you can do this…right?” There may have been a microsecond when he was capable, but when he turned on the faucet and saw that green slime poured out, he sighed and hunched over as though nothing he did had a point to it. He languidly nudged the faucet while the demon worms bathed and chugged at the viscous goo.

“I don’t need dishes anyways. I’ll just eat with my hands, I don’t give a shit.” He opened the fridge and gazed at the options with despair and anguish. There was a bucket of Kentucky Fried Tarantulas that needed to be finished. There was a McBlowfish sandwich that started to grow mushrooms. There was a Snickers bar that looked like it was birthed out of an ogre’s ass. And to drink he had a bottle of beer that looked like a dragon pissed in it or a jug of milk that deserved its own funeral.

“Fuck!” screamed Duane with a scratchy throat as he slammed the refrigerator door shut and slumped down to his butt. He tucked his head in his hands and allowed them to collect his greasy tears. “I just…I just…I just want life to be fun again…I want to actually want to live…I want my friends back…I want my mom back…I don’t want to live here anymore…I hate this place…”

“There, there, now,” said a ghostly voice, following up with a pat on Duane’s shoulder. He didn’t bother looking up to see who it was, but like everyone told him before, it was all in his head, right? “How can I put this in a way that even you can understand? I know!” The ghostly voice coughed less like it was clearing its throat and more like it was trying to vomit himself inside out. Duane still didn’t pick his head up. “If it makes you feel any better…other people have it worse than you do.”

“Fuck you…”

“It’s true, Duane. At least you have food in your fridge. A child in Africa can’t say the same. Neither can any woman in Saudi Arabia or Afghanistan. There’s more to life than just your sadness. There’s more to the world than the little microcosm you’ve fashioned for yourself. Just pick your head up and smile for a change. Nobody ever got anything done by frowning all the time and being miserable.”

Duane finally picked his head up and saw nobody there. He shrugged his aching shoulders and took the advice to smile…but his headache from the earlier vice grip made that a painful task. Smiling wasn’t the only thing that was painful. So was contrasting his plight to children in Africa or women in the Middle East. Everything was painful to Duane. Every twitch of his finger. Every step across the sticky floor. Every breath he took just sucked the wind out of him some more. “I…I want life to be fun again…” The gulf couldn’t be wider between what he wanted and what he would get.

He took a few more agonized breaths, but this time with anger shielding him from stomach pain. He grabbed the refrigerator door handle to pull himself to his wobbly legs. He looked at the world around him and hated everything in it. His fists clenched painfully as he wanted to destroy everything in his sight. He wanted to smash the worms. He wanted to throw the faucet slime against his windows. He wanted to tip the refrigerator over and stomp on his disgusting food. But just imagining these things sent more shockwaves of pain through his body…and just like that his rage devolved into more tears.

“Why does everything have to suck so much?” he asked the apathetic void. “I want life to be fun again!” But if it couldn’t be, he would rip open his silverware drawer and look for any weapon he could find. A knife? A fork? An even bigger knife that had demon worms crawling all over it? A wooden soup spoon that had its edges eaten off, probably by the aforementioned demon worms?

Duane shuffled his hand through the drawer and pulled out anything and everything that could help him. The sharpest objects he could find were not sharp enough. He needed something strong. He needed something that could cut through misery as through it were butter. He needed…a secret key?

He pulled the key out and stared at it with confusion. Was it supposed to start his car? Was it supposed to lock his house? It was too small to be either of those things. He then rushed to the bathroom, sticky floor pounding against his heels like war drums. He ignored the demon worms crawling on his walls and unlocked the medicine cabinet. Surely, these pills would be more effective than a sharp knife. Less blood, that was for sure. He rifled through the pills. Immodium? Asprin? Tylenol? No. An orange bottle with a barely readable label.

Duane opened it with shaky hands and poured a few tablets onto the sink. He turned on the faucet and more green slime poured out, but he didn’t care. He filled his coffee-stained glass with it and used it to swallow the pills he laid out. Strangely enough, the green slime…tasted like regular water. The demon worms were just mediocre wall paper designs. The floor was just sticky because he spilled food on it days prior.

“I did it…I remembered to take them…” In a microcosm full of darkness and horror, these pills couldn’t be confused for Hocus Pocus or black magic. They were antidepressants. He forgot to take them over the past few days. He was so wrapped up thinking his microcosm was the shittiest place on earth that taking his medicine just…slipped his mind. It was a mind that was no longer sloshing around in his head like moldy Jello. And when he returned to his bedroom, the hairy demonic arms were just an afghan that his mother gave him. The quicksand was just broken foam.

Upon clearing out his fucked up head, he remembered another phrase that no ghostly voice would ever tell him: “One day at a time.” It made perfect sense. He didn’t have to do everything at once. The cobwebs could wait another day. The dirty dishes weren’t going anywhere. Tomorrow was a work day, one that would likely be stressful enough to make him forget to take his pills again. But then again…”One day at a time.” And then Duane plopped down on his mother’s afghan, breathing sighs of relief that didn’t feel like punches to his gut.

“You got this, Duane...just go to work tomorrow…and figure out everything later…You can do this…”

“No, you can’t!” said the ghostly voice, which was greeted with a middle finger from the man it tormented.

Carnival De Garrison

VERSE 1
Producers with some meat to beat
With an actress on the loveseat
Executives’ metal hips will rust
Antitrust ground into dust
Actors throwing uppercuts
Accuse their victims of being sluts
Hollywood embarrassment?
Carnival De Garrison

VERSE 2
Shamans with the letter Q
Angry jowls with red hues
Machineguns Hot n’ Ready now
Little Caesars clerks freaked out
Monster people in monster trucks
Family trees, no outer fucks
Cosplay as Leif Erickson?
Carnival De Garrison

VERSE 3
Cobwebs and candlelight?
Not without a sacrifice
Pastor pedos in speedos
Decide what’s good and what’s evil
Lay the virgin on the table
Read her rites from the fable
Deserving of their arrogance?
Carnival De Garrison

VERSE 4
Step right up, everybody
Bring a hubby, bring a buddy
Ten dollars a ticket, pay up, marks
Ten dollars more to park your car
Look at the freaks, a traveling zoo
Throw your sodas and hotdogs too
Treat them like they’re terrorists
It’s Carnival De Garrison
They do it to us every day
The difference is, they never pay
A ticket price, no comparison
Enjoy Carnival De Garrison

Red Zone

VERSE 1
I’ve got a potion in a vial, but it’s not magic
It’s to keep my blindness from ending up tragic
Tear gas, mace, batons, and glass shields
“To serve and protect”, yeah, we get the spiel
What are you protecting: corporate feelings?
Did we ruin your country club shady-ass dealings?
What are you serving: a glass of chardonnay?
Is this why you shove the crowd out of the way?

PRE-CHORUS
Crimes committed, cops acquitted
Beaten protesters, happy investors
Of all the shit you arrest us for
Put one more crime in your report

CHORUS
I think I’m parked in the red zone
I think I’m parked in the red zone
Cuff my wrists right down the bone
I think I’m parked in the red zone

VERSE 2
It’s not about consistency, but owning the libs
Easy rhetoric flows like shit from your lips
You’re living the dream as you gang up like a team
On an unarmed dude as you beat him into cream

PRE-CHORUS
Crimes committed, cops acquitted
Beaten protesters, happy investors
Of all the shit you arrest us for
Put one more crime in your report

CHORUS
I think I’m parked in the red zone
I think I’m parked in the red zone
Cuff my wrists right down the bone
I think I’m parked in the red zone

BRIDGE
This is your idea of utopia
Your kids’ idea of Nickelodeon
Your voters’ idea of unbiased news
They’ve got one more issue to choose

EXTENDED CHORUS
I think I’m parked in the red zone
I think I’m parked in the red zone
Cuff my wrists right down the bone
I think I’m parked in the red zone
I’m blocking my own ambulance
As you erase your own evidence
Of slamming me on the pavement stones
For being parked in the red zone
Parked in the red zone!

Guy Hogan

=========================================
THE BASICS
=========================================

Name: Guy Hogan
Nicknames: Sheriff, Lone Star

Gender: Cisgender Male
Age: 52
Birth Date: 448 AM
Birth Place: Morgan Town
Currently Living In: Morgan Town
Species: Human
Ethnicity / Race: White
Citizenship: Honey Valley
Religion / Beliefs: Right-Winger

=========================================
FAMILY
=========================================
Father: Bart Hogan
Age: Dead
Relationship: Spoiled

Mother: Lisa Hogan
Age: Dead
Relationship: Spoiled

=========================================
PHYSICAL FEATURES:
=========================================

Height: 5’11”
Weight: 287 lbs.
Frame / Build: Chubby
Hair length: Long bald horseshoe
Hair color: Brown
Eye shape: Round
Eye color: Blue
Complexion: Fair
Face size: Jowly
Voice type: Grating
Foot size: 15 Men’s
Tattoo(s): None
Scar(s): Possum bite on his finger
Other notable accessories: Golden Hoop Earrings
Any other identifying mark(s): Bushy beard

=========================================
SOCIO / ECONOMIC / POLITICAL
=========================================

Political Affiliation: Conservative
Economic Class: Rich
Social Class: Law Enforcement
Occupation: Sheriff of Morgan Town
Income: High (including bribes)
Residence: Morgan Town
Transportation: Feet

=========================================
INTERESTS
=========================================

Favorite Food(s): Ham Sandwich
Favorite Sport(s): Cage Fighting
Favorite Book(s): Doesn’t read
Favorite Show(s): TV isn’t around yet
Favorite Music: Doesn’t like music
Favorite Color(s): Brown and red
Clothing Style / Preferences: Sheriff vest, baggy pants, knee boots, and plume hat
Hobbies: Playing pool, gambling, and cooking
Role Model(s): His parents and Orpheus Rinehart
Likes: Bribes, dessert, always getting his way, living comfortably, bullying poor people
Dislikes: Aforementioned poor people, elves, libraries, women who resist him

=========================================
PERSONALITY
=========================================

Good Qualities / Trait(s): Powerful, influential, and a spotless arrest record
Vices / Negative Trait(s): Spoiled, racist, can’t take criticism, and easily angered
Strengths: Power, influence, and good in combat
Weaknesses: Tires easily due to his obesity and is unmotivated if money isn’t involved
Habits / Idiosyncrasies / Quirks: Farts, chuckles, and burps
Phobia / Fears: Elves, lacking control, and riots

Select one personality type below that best describes your character:

PROTECTORS

[X] Overseer (ESTJ) – Thrives on facts and details. Has a clear set of standards and beliefs. They are hardworking, responsible, and self-confident. They rely on experiences rather than speculation, and make decisions based on these. Very good at enforcing laws and rules. Loyal and hard-working. Like to be in charge. Very organized, tends to be a stickler for the rules.

Define your character’s personality based on the following aspects:

a. Physically: Intimidating, commands authority
b. Psychologically: Spoiled rotten, hair-trigger temper
c. Spiritually: Makes fun of Magetans
d. Emotionally: Spoiled rotten
e. Socially: Despite his off-putting and obnoxious nature, he still commands obedience

=========================================
HISTORY
=========================================

1. Describe the character’s childhood. Guy Hogan grew up with rich parents who gave him everything he ever wanted while very rarely saying no to him. He developed a god complex in his teenaged years, which led him to running for Sheriff and winning. Now he takes bribes to feed his spoiled child habit while doing very little to protect the disenfranchised.

2. Name the good incidents that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? He got to eat as much as he wanted, especially at his birthday parties.

3. Name bad experiences that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? Because he was never told no, he never formed empathy for other people and became the selfish sheriff that he is.

4. What is the character doing when first introduced? What are his goals at this point? He’s accepting a bribe from Christian Savage to let his beat-down of Tarja Rikkinen go unnoticed. His goal is to continue to live comfortably and hopefully use his influence to get laid someday.

4a. Do these goals change at any point in the story? He firmly sides with Shadow Asylum when the heat gets hot. He’ll do whatever they want him to do whether they pay him or not.

=========================================
STORY DEVELOPMENT:
=========================================

CHARACTER ARCHETYPE: (Put an X on all applicable boxes)

[] Addict (Conspicuous Consumer, Glutton, Workaholic–see also Gambler)
[] Advocate (Attorney, Defender, Legislator, Lobbyist, Environmentalist)
[] Alchemist (Wizard, Magician, Scientist, Inventor–see also Visionary)
[] Angel (Fairy Godmother/Godfather)
[X] Antagonist (Opposing View, not necessarily the Evil Bad — see also Villain)
[] Anti-Hero
[] Artist (Artisan, Craftsperson, Sculptor, Weaver)
[] Athlete (Olympian)
[] Avenger (Avenging Angel, Savior, Messiah)
[] Beggar (Homeless person/ Indigent)
[X] Bully (Coward)
[] Catalyst
[] Child (Orphan, Wounded, Magical/Innocent, Nature, Divine, Puer/Puella Eternis, or Eternal Boy/Girl)
[] Clown (Court Jester, Fool, Dummling)
[] Companion (Friend, Sidekick, Right Arm, Consort)
[] Damsel (Princess)
[] Destroyer (Attila, Mad Scientist, Serial Killer, Spoiler)
[X] Detective (Spy, Double Agent, Sleuth, Snoop, Sherlock Holmes, Private Investigator, Profiler–see also Warrior/Crime Fighter)
[] Dilettante (Amateur)
[] Don Juan (Casanova, Gigolo, Seducer, Sex Addict)
[] Engineer (Architect, Builder, Schemer)
[] Exorcist (Shaman)
[] Father (Patriarch, Progenitor)
[] Femme Fatale (Black Widow, Flirt, Siren, Circe, Seductress, Enchantress)
[X] Gambler
[] God (Adonis, see also Hero)
[] Gossip (see also Networker)
[] Guide (Guru, Sage, Crone, Wise Woman, Spiritual Master, Evangelist, Preacher)
[] Healer (Wounded Healer, Intuitive Healer, Caregiver, Nurse, Therapist, Analyst, Counselor)
[X] Hedonist (Bon Vivant, Chef, Gourmet, Gourmand, Sybarite–see also Mystic)
[] Hermit (see also Wise old Man)
[] Hero/Heroine (see also Knight, Warrior)
[] Judge (Critic, Examiner, Mediator, Arbitrator)
[] King (Emperor, Ruler, Leader, Chief — see also Politician)
[] Knight in Shining Armor
[] Liberator
[] Lover
[] Martyr
[] Mediator (Ambassador, Diplomat, Go-Between)
[] Mentor (Master, Counselor, Tutor)
[] Messiah (Redeemer, Savior)
[] Midas/Miser
[] Monk/Nun (Celibate)
[] Mother (Matriarch, Mother Nature)
[] Mystic (Renunciate, Anchorite, Hermit)
[] Networker (Messenger, Herald, Courier, Journalist, Communicator)
[] Pioneer (Explorer, Settler, Pilgrim, Innovator)
[] Poet
[X] Politician (see also King)
[] Priest (Priestess, Minister, Rabbi, Evangelist)
[] Prince
[] Prostitute
[] Queen (Empress)
[] Rebel (Anarchist, Revolutionary, Political Protester, Nonconformist, Pirate)
[] Rescuer
[] Saboteur
[] Samaritan
[] Scribe (Copyist, Secretary, Accountant–see also Journalist)
[] Seeker (Wanderer, Vagabond, Nomad)
[] Servant (Indentured Servant)
[] Shape-shifter (Spell-caster–see also Trickster)
[] Slave
[] Spectre (Ghost / Apparition with Unresolved issues)
[] Storyteller (Minstrel, Narrator)
[] Student / Scholar (Disciple, Devotee, Follower, Apprentice)
[] Teacher (Instructor, see also Mentor)
[] Thief (Swindler, Con Artist, Pickpocket, Burglar, Robin Hood)
[] Threshold Guardian
[] Trickster (Puck, Provocateur)
[X] Turncoat
[] Vampire
[] Victim
[X] Villain / Shadow (Big Bad of the story; see also Antagonist)
[] Virgin (see also Celibate)
[] Visionary (Dreamer, Prophet, Seer–see also Guide, Alchemist)
[] Warrior (Soldier, Crime Fighter, Amazon, Mercenary, Soldier of Fortune, Gunslinger, Samurai)
[] Wise old Man (see also Hermit)

1. What are the motivations for the character’s actions? Living easy and always wanting more than he already has, which is a lot.

2. What are the character’s goals / ambition / dreams? To have his own castle despite never being royalty

3. What external conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Bully as many naysayers as he can, including elves.

3a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? He has to keep up the illusion that he is a sheriff and not a crook with a badge, so his dealings have to be subtle.

4. What inner conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Satisfying his genocidal nature and resisting criticism.

4a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? His opponents are more physically fit and generally better fighters than him, which he can always nullify with a Devon Bay firearm.

=========================================
AUTHOR’S NOTES / MISCELLANY
=========================================

Character theme song: “Bad to the Bone” by George Thorogood and the Destroyers

Celebrity / IRL lookalike: The Bastion Booger

Final Fantasy IV and Stupidity

When people ask me about my favorite videogames, Final Fantasy IV is somewhere in that Mt. Rushmore...of more than four heads. Why wouldn’t it be? It’s got magic, science fiction, creepy puppets, and…unfortunately, it also has stupid characters. Cecil has to travel the world to protect the elemental crystals from Golbez. But every time Cecil and his friends touch one, Golbez is right there to take it from them, almost like the protagonists are just leading him to the crystals. There’s even one instance where Cecil had to exchange a crystal for his girlfriend Rosa. He gives Golbez the crystal and, surprise, surprise, Golbez reneges on the deal and tries to kill him. And then there’s the dragon knight Kain, who is supposed to be one of Cecil’s allies, but he keeps getting brainwashed by Golbez…over and over again! And what does Cecil do? Welcomes Kain back into the party every single fucking time the brainwashing wears off. Tellah, an old mage with powerful magic, has to sacrifice his own life to cast Meteor on Golbez, which doesn’t kill him, but forces him to relinquish control of Kain…for a little while! And by the way, Golbez is no better. He’s an all-powerful wizard knight who could kill everyone and everything in his path with just his magic alone. There’s even a time when he leaves Cecil and crew laying on the ground…and doesn’t kill them! If Golbez is that powerful, what the fuck does he need elemental crystals for? He could just lightning bolt the world out of orbit if he wanted to! Zip-zap, done! End of story! I’m not saying I’ve never had stupid characters before, but holy shit, they’re not THAT dumb. Now that I’m looking at Final Fantasy IV through a critical lens and not a nostalgic one, where does that rank it on the Mt. Rushmore of my favorite videogames? Hmm…

Love From a Safe Distance

VERSE 1
The roads are closed, nowhere to go
Bury my eyes in the blue light glow
Watching her talk with an angel’s voice
About democracy and being pro-choice
I hang on her words in a loving embrace
Rosy pink cheeks and a grin on my face
Call it simping or whatever you please
Excuse me while I sigh in a gentle breeze

PRE-CHORUS
When I went to bed
She stayed in my head
And this is what she said

CHORUS 1
I live in Canada and I love you
Buy a plane ticket and dinner for two
We can dance in the city streets
Nervous? I’ll wrap you in flannel sheets
None of my fans should ever be alone
It’s time for you to shed that heart of stone
You wake up and find I was never there
But parasocial love just can’t compare

VERSE 2
She reads my favorite books, writes some of her own
In an army of fan boys, I never feel alone
Brought together by the diamonds in her eyes
But only one of us will get past the other guys
She’s got a husband and needs nobody else
But we can still try to be lovers ourselves
We could head to the bar, maybe touch some grass
“Notice me, Senpai! I’m your favorite in class!”

PRE-CHORUS
When I went to bed
She stayed in my head
And this is what she said

CHORUS 2
I live in England and I love you
Cross the waters if you love me too
We can hold hands in the scary darkness
Rest your head in my lap, listen to pop artists
I’m sorry you spend your nights all alone
But I’m a call away on the telephone
You wake up and find it was all a dream
The coldness of it all makes you want to scream

BRIDGE
This isn’t E-Harmony, that’s what they all say
It’s not Plenty of Fish, so get the hell away
It’s not Tinder, don’t think she’s here to play
She doesn’t know you nor would she want to

CHORUS 3
I live in Australia and I love you
I never said that, so don’t call me a prude
Get some medication, not a worldwide vacation
Stay in your own cozy little bitty nation
I’ll block you forever, so this is goodbye
I don’t even know why you had to try
To get in my life, I’m already a wife
Sorry for your broken dreams and mockery memes