Garrison Kelly's Blog, page 15
August 19, 2022
Orpheus Rinehart
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THE BASICS
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Name: Orpheus Rinehart
Nicknames: Commander, White Snake
Gender: Cisgender Male
Age: 50
Birth Date: 450 AM
Birth Place: Morgan Town
Currently Living In: Shadow Asylum Headquarters
Species: Human
Ethnicity / Race: White
Citizenship: Morgan Town
Religion / Beliefs: Far Right Capitalist
=========================================
FAMILY
=========================================
Father: Miller Rinehart
Age: Dead
Relationship: Abusive
Mother: Quinn Rinehart
Age: Dead
Relationship: Protective
=========================================
PHYSICAL FEATURES:
=========================================
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 350 lbs.
Frame / Build: Chunky
Hair length: Horseshoe with a Long Dreadlocked Beard
Hair color: Brown
Eye shape: Wide
Eye color: Hazel
Complexion: Dirty
Face size (broad, narrow, etc.): Round
Voice type: Angry
Foot size: 17 Men’s
Tattoo(s): “Death Before Dishonor” on his arm
Scar(s): Burn marks from childhood
Other notable accessories: None
Any other identifying mark(s): None
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SOCIO / ECONOMIC / POLITICAL
=========================================
Political Affiliation: Far Right
Economic Class: Upper-Middle Class
Social Class: CEO
Occupation: Mercenary
Income: High
Residence: Shadow Asylum Headquarters
Transportation: Horse
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INTERESTS
=========================================
Favorite Food(s): Steak
Favorite Sport(s): Football and Wrestling
Favorite Book(s): Murder Mysteries
Favorite Show(s): TV isn’t a thing yet
Favorite Music: People screaming in pain
Favorite Color(s): Red and Black
Clothing Style / Preferences: Red tunic, red pants, metal boots, and black trench coat
Hobbies: Hunting, taxidermy, smoking cigars, drinking beer, playing pool
Role Model(s): His abusive father
Likes: Toxic masculinity, violence, bigotry, money, and torture
Dislikes: “Pussies”, elves, women (except ones who will have sex with him), poor people
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PERSONALITY
=========================================
Good Qualities / Trait(s): Leadership skills, hard-power authority, intimidation
Vices / Negative Trait(s): Racism, anger, sexism, unable to break abusive cycles
Strengths: Fighting skills, leadership, ruthlessness, business acumen
Weaknesses: Generational trauma, quick to anger, sadistic, can’t take criticism
Habits / Idiosyncrasies / Quirks: Chain smoking and finger drumming
Phobia / Fears: Gay people, his father’s beatings, disappointing his father, being poor
Select one personality type below that best describes your character:
CREATORS
[X] Persuader (ESTP) – Realists. Enthusiastic people of action who like to explore and use their senses to explore the world. Likes sports and are risk-takers. They live in the (preferably) fast-paced here and now, and thrive on problems and crises. Often fearless and dominates conversations. Blunt and very straightforward. Does not necessarily follow the law if it gets in the way of what they want.
Define your character’s personality based on the following aspects:
a. Physically: Intimidating, loud, beefy
b. Psychologically: Quick to anger, quick to judge, and will lash out at whoever he wants to
c. Spiritually: openly mocks the Magetan religion every chance he gets
d. Emotionally: Extreme mental toughness, expects the same from his employees
e. Socially: Despite being afraid of him, people believe he’s good at his mercenary job and will pay his exorbitant prices if it means procuring his services
Others things to know:
=========================================
HISTORY
=========================================
1. Describe the character’s childhood. Despite pleading from his mother, Orpheus’s father abused him constantly with beatings and insults, instilling toxic masculinity in him at an early age. Orpheus started the Shadow Asylum mercenary guild as a way to avoid his father’s wrath while also putting his fighting skills to good use.
2. Name the good incidents that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? The only joy from Orpheus’s childhood were the many hunting trips his father took him on, but that only added to his sadism.
3. Name bad experiences that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? Aside from his father’s abusive ways, his father also killed his mother during a petty argument. That was how Orpheus learned to solve his problems with violence.
4. What is the character doing when first introduced? What are his goals at this point? Negotiating a deal with King Lars Stonewall to take down the Atwood Queendom. This is just another job to Orpheus, which means more money to spend on drugs and alcohol.
4a. Do these goals change at any point in the story? I can’t tell you due to spoilers.
=========================================
STORY DEVELOPMENT:
=========================================
CHARACTER ARCHETYPE: (Put an X on all applicable boxes)
[X] Addict (Conspicuous Consumer, Glutton, Workaholic–see also Gambler)
[] Advocate (Attorney, Defender, Legislator, Lobbyist, Environmentalist)
[] Alchemist (Wizard, Magician, Scientist, Inventor–see also Visionary)
[] Angel (Fairy Godmother/Godfather)
[X] Antagonist (Opposing View, not necessarily the Evil Bad — see also Villain)
[] Anti-Hero
[] Artist (Artisan, Craftsperson, Sculptor, Weaver)
[X] Athlete (Olympian)
[] Avenger (Avenging Angel, Savior, Messiah)
[] Beggar (Homeless person/ Indigent)
[X] Bully (Coward)
[] Catalyst
[] Child (Orphan, Wounded, Magical/Innocent, Nature, Divine, Puer/Puella Eternis, or Eternal Boy/Girl)
[] Clown (Court Jester, Fool, Dummling)
[] Companion (Friend, Sidekick, Right Arm, Consort)
[] Damsel (Princess)
[X] Destroyer (Attila, Mad Scientist, Serial Killer, Spoiler)
[] Detective (Spy, Double Agent, Sleuth, Snoop, Sherlock Holmes, Private Investigator, Profiler–see also Warrior/Crime Fighter)
[] Dilettante (Amateur)
[] Don Juan (Casanova, Gigolo, Seducer, Sex Addict)
[] Engineer (Architect, Builder, Schemer)
[] Exorcist (Shaman)
[] Father (Patriarch, Progenitor)
[] Femme Fatale (Black Widow, Flirt, Siren, Circe, Seductress, Enchantress)
[] Gambler
[] God (Adonis, see also Hero)
[] Gossip (see also Networker)
[] Guide (Guru, Sage, Crone, Wise Woman, Spiritual Master, Evangelist, Preacher)
[] Healer (Wounded Healer, Intuitive Healer, Caregiver, Nurse, Therapist, Analyst, Counselor)
[] Hedonist (Bon Vivant, Chef, Gourmet, Gourmand, Sybarite–see also Mystic)
[] Hermit (see also Wise old Man)
[] Hero/Heroine (see also Knight, Warrior)
[] Judge (Critic, Examiner, Mediator, Arbitrator)
[] King (Emperor, Ruler, Leader, Chief — see also Politician)
[] Knight in Shining Armor
[] Liberator
[] Lover
[] Martyr
[] Mediator (Ambassador, Diplomat, Go-Between)
[] Mentor (Master, Counselor, Tutor)
[] Messiah (Redeemer, Savior)
[] Midas/Miser
[] Monk/Nun (Celibate)
[] Mother (Matriarch, Mother Nature)
[] Mystic (Renunciate, Anchorite, Hermit)
[] Networker (Messenger, Herald, Courier, Journalist, Communicator)
[] Pioneer (Explorer, Settler, Pilgrim, Innovator)
[] Poet
[] Politician (see also King)
[] Priest (Priestess, Minister, Rabbi, Evangelist)
[] Prince
[] Prostitute
[] Queen (Empress)
[] Rebel (Anarchist, Revolutionary, Political Protester, Nonconformist, Pirate)
[] Rescuer
[] Saboteur
[] Samaritan
[] Scribe (Copyist, Secretary, Accountant–see also Journalist)
[] Seeker (Wanderer, Vagabond, Nomad)
[] Servant (Indentured Servant)
[] Shape-shifter (Spell-caster–see also Trickster)
[] Slave
[] Spectre (Ghost / Apparition with Unresolved issues)
[] Storyteller (Minstrel, Narrator)
[] Student / Scholar (Disciple, Devotee, Follower, Apprentice)
[] Teacher (Instructor, see also Mentor)
[] Thief (Swindler, Con Artist, Pickpocket, Burglar, Robin Hood)
[] Threshold Guardian
[] Trickster (Puck, Provocateur)
[X] Turncoat
[] Vampire
[X] Victim
[X] Villain / Shadow (Big Bad of the story; see also Antagonist)
[] Virgin (see also Celibate)
[] Visionary (Dreamer, Prophet, Seer–see also Guide, Alchemist)
[X] Warrior (Soldier, Crime Fighter, Amazon, Mercenary, Soldier of Fortune, Gunslinger, Samurai)
[] Wise old Man (see also Hermit)
1. What are the motivations for the character’s actions? Money, cigars, alcohol, and not angering his father even though he’s dead and only exists as a voice in Orpheus’s head.
2. What are the character’s goals / ambition / dreams? To become the most “badass” mercenary anyone has ever crossed, to strike fear in the hearts of the entire world.
3. What external conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Completing missions on time.
3a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Windham is slow in delivering the blueprints from Shelly’s castle.
4. What inner conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Shutting up his father’s head voice.
4a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Head voices don’t go away on their own. Plus, Rinehart thinks that therapy is for “pussies”.
=========================================
AUTHOR’S NOTES / MISCELLANY
=========================================
Character theme song: “American Capitalist” by Five Finger Death Punch
Celebrity / IRL lookalike: A fatter version of Chris Kael
THE BASICS
=========================================
Name: Orpheus Rinehart
Nicknames: Commander, White Snake
Gender: Cisgender Male
Age: 50
Birth Date: 450 AM
Birth Place: Morgan Town
Currently Living In: Shadow Asylum Headquarters
Species: Human
Ethnicity / Race: White
Citizenship: Morgan Town
Religion / Beliefs: Far Right Capitalist
=========================================
FAMILY
=========================================
Father: Miller Rinehart
Age: Dead
Relationship: Abusive
Mother: Quinn Rinehart
Age: Dead
Relationship: Protective
=========================================
PHYSICAL FEATURES:
=========================================
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 350 lbs.
Frame / Build: Chunky
Hair length: Horseshoe with a Long Dreadlocked Beard
Hair color: Brown
Eye shape: Wide
Eye color: Hazel
Complexion: Dirty
Face size (broad, narrow, etc.): Round
Voice type: Angry
Foot size: 17 Men’s
Tattoo(s): “Death Before Dishonor” on his arm
Scar(s): Burn marks from childhood
Other notable accessories: None
Any other identifying mark(s): None
=========================================
SOCIO / ECONOMIC / POLITICAL
=========================================
Political Affiliation: Far Right
Economic Class: Upper-Middle Class
Social Class: CEO
Occupation: Mercenary
Income: High
Residence: Shadow Asylum Headquarters
Transportation: Horse
=========================================
INTERESTS
=========================================
Favorite Food(s): Steak
Favorite Sport(s): Football and Wrestling
Favorite Book(s): Murder Mysteries
Favorite Show(s): TV isn’t a thing yet
Favorite Music: People screaming in pain
Favorite Color(s): Red and Black
Clothing Style / Preferences: Red tunic, red pants, metal boots, and black trench coat
Hobbies: Hunting, taxidermy, smoking cigars, drinking beer, playing pool
Role Model(s): His abusive father
Likes: Toxic masculinity, violence, bigotry, money, and torture
Dislikes: “Pussies”, elves, women (except ones who will have sex with him), poor people
=========================================
PERSONALITY
=========================================
Good Qualities / Trait(s): Leadership skills, hard-power authority, intimidation
Vices / Negative Trait(s): Racism, anger, sexism, unable to break abusive cycles
Strengths: Fighting skills, leadership, ruthlessness, business acumen
Weaknesses: Generational trauma, quick to anger, sadistic, can’t take criticism
Habits / Idiosyncrasies / Quirks: Chain smoking and finger drumming
Phobia / Fears: Gay people, his father’s beatings, disappointing his father, being poor
Select one personality type below that best describes your character:
CREATORS
[X] Persuader (ESTP) – Realists. Enthusiastic people of action who like to explore and use their senses to explore the world. Likes sports and are risk-takers. They live in the (preferably) fast-paced here and now, and thrive on problems and crises. Often fearless and dominates conversations. Blunt and very straightforward. Does not necessarily follow the law if it gets in the way of what they want.
Define your character’s personality based on the following aspects:
a. Physically: Intimidating, loud, beefy
b. Psychologically: Quick to anger, quick to judge, and will lash out at whoever he wants to
c. Spiritually: openly mocks the Magetan religion every chance he gets
d. Emotionally: Extreme mental toughness, expects the same from his employees
e. Socially: Despite being afraid of him, people believe he’s good at his mercenary job and will pay his exorbitant prices if it means procuring his services
Others things to know:
=========================================
HISTORY
=========================================
1. Describe the character’s childhood. Despite pleading from his mother, Orpheus’s father abused him constantly with beatings and insults, instilling toxic masculinity in him at an early age. Orpheus started the Shadow Asylum mercenary guild as a way to avoid his father’s wrath while also putting his fighting skills to good use.
2. Name the good incidents that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? The only joy from Orpheus’s childhood were the many hunting trips his father took him on, but that only added to his sadism.
3. Name bad experiences that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? Aside from his father’s abusive ways, his father also killed his mother during a petty argument. That was how Orpheus learned to solve his problems with violence.
4. What is the character doing when first introduced? What are his goals at this point? Negotiating a deal with King Lars Stonewall to take down the Atwood Queendom. This is just another job to Orpheus, which means more money to spend on drugs and alcohol.
4a. Do these goals change at any point in the story? I can’t tell you due to spoilers.
=========================================
STORY DEVELOPMENT:
=========================================
CHARACTER ARCHETYPE: (Put an X on all applicable boxes)
[X] Addict (Conspicuous Consumer, Glutton, Workaholic–see also Gambler)
[] Advocate (Attorney, Defender, Legislator, Lobbyist, Environmentalist)
[] Alchemist (Wizard, Magician, Scientist, Inventor–see also Visionary)
[] Angel (Fairy Godmother/Godfather)
[X] Antagonist (Opposing View, not necessarily the Evil Bad — see also Villain)
[] Anti-Hero
[] Artist (Artisan, Craftsperson, Sculptor, Weaver)
[X] Athlete (Olympian)
[] Avenger (Avenging Angel, Savior, Messiah)
[] Beggar (Homeless person/ Indigent)
[X] Bully (Coward)
[] Catalyst
[] Child (Orphan, Wounded, Magical/Innocent, Nature, Divine, Puer/Puella Eternis, or Eternal Boy/Girl)
[] Clown (Court Jester, Fool, Dummling)
[] Companion (Friend, Sidekick, Right Arm, Consort)
[] Damsel (Princess)
[X] Destroyer (Attila, Mad Scientist, Serial Killer, Spoiler)
[] Detective (Spy, Double Agent, Sleuth, Snoop, Sherlock Holmes, Private Investigator, Profiler–see also Warrior/Crime Fighter)
[] Dilettante (Amateur)
[] Don Juan (Casanova, Gigolo, Seducer, Sex Addict)
[] Engineer (Architect, Builder, Schemer)
[] Exorcist (Shaman)
[] Father (Patriarch, Progenitor)
[] Femme Fatale (Black Widow, Flirt, Siren, Circe, Seductress, Enchantress)
[] Gambler
[] God (Adonis, see also Hero)
[] Gossip (see also Networker)
[] Guide (Guru, Sage, Crone, Wise Woman, Spiritual Master, Evangelist, Preacher)
[] Healer (Wounded Healer, Intuitive Healer, Caregiver, Nurse, Therapist, Analyst, Counselor)
[] Hedonist (Bon Vivant, Chef, Gourmet, Gourmand, Sybarite–see also Mystic)
[] Hermit (see also Wise old Man)
[] Hero/Heroine (see also Knight, Warrior)
[] Judge (Critic, Examiner, Mediator, Arbitrator)
[] King (Emperor, Ruler, Leader, Chief — see also Politician)
[] Knight in Shining Armor
[] Liberator
[] Lover
[] Martyr
[] Mediator (Ambassador, Diplomat, Go-Between)
[] Mentor (Master, Counselor, Tutor)
[] Messiah (Redeemer, Savior)
[] Midas/Miser
[] Monk/Nun (Celibate)
[] Mother (Matriarch, Mother Nature)
[] Mystic (Renunciate, Anchorite, Hermit)
[] Networker (Messenger, Herald, Courier, Journalist, Communicator)
[] Pioneer (Explorer, Settler, Pilgrim, Innovator)
[] Poet
[] Politician (see also King)
[] Priest (Priestess, Minister, Rabbi, Evangelist)
[] Prince
[] Prostitute
[] Queen (Empress)
[] Rebel (Anarchist, Revolutionary, Political Protester, Nonconformist, Pirate)
[] Rescuer
[] Saboteur
[] Samaritan
[] Scribe (Copyist, Secretary, Accountant–see also Journalist)
[] Seeker (Wanderer, Vagabond, Nomad)
[] Servant (Indentured Servant)
[] Shape-shifter (Spell-caster–see also Trickster)
[] Slave
[] Spectre (Ghost / Apparition with Unresolved issues)
[] Storyteller (Minstrel, Narrator)
[] Student / Scholar (Disciple, Devotee, Follower, Apprentice)
[] Teacher (Instructor, see also Mentor)
[] Thief (Swindler, Con Artist, Pickpocket, Burglar, Robin Hood)
[] Threshold Guardian
[] Trickster (Puck, Provocateur)
[X] Turncoat
[] Vampire
[X] Victim
[X] Villain / Shadow (Big Bad of the story; see also Antagonist)
[] Virgin (see also Celibate)
[] Visionary (Dreamer, Prophet, Seer–see also Guide, Alchemist)
[X] Warrior (Soldier, Crime Fighter, Amazon, Mercenary, Soldier of Fortune, Gunslinger, Samurai)
[] Wise old Man (see also Hermit)
1. What are the motivations for the character’s actions? Money, cigars, alcohol, and not angering his father even though he’s dead and only exists as a voice in Orpheus’s head.
2. What are the character’s goals / ambition / dreams? To become the most “badass” mercenary anyone has ever crossed, to strike fear in the hearts of the entire world.
3. What external conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Completing missions on time.
3a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Windham is slow in delivering the blueprints from Shelly’s castle.
4. What inner conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Shutting up his father’s head voice.
4a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Head voices don’t go away on their own. Plus, Rinehart thinks that therapy is for “pussies”.
=========================================
AUTHOR’S NOTES / MISCELLANY
=========================================
Character theme song: “American Capitalist” by Five Finger Death Punch
Celebrity / IRL lookalike: A fatter version of Chris Kael
August 18, 2022
Shelly Atwood
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THE BASICS
=========================================
Name: Shelly Atwood
Nicknames: Sex Queen, Succubus, Sex Demon
Gender: Cisgender Female
Age: 40
Birth Date: 462 AM
Birth Place: The Atwood Queendom
Currently Living In: The Atwood Queendom
Species: Human
Ethnicity / Race: Caucasian
Citizenship: Honey Valley
Religion / Beliefs: Libertarian
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FAMILY
=========================================
Father: Rogan Atwood
Age: Dead
Relationship: Abusive
Mother: Emmanuelle Atwood
Age: Dead
Relationship: Manipulative
Step-Brother: Torger Manson
Age: 36
Relationship: Obedient
Sister: Kanodra Atwood
Age: 32
Relationship: Estranged
Step-Father: Dagger Manson
Age: Dead
Relationship: Neglect
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PHYSICAL FEATURES:
=========================================
Height: 5’9
Weight: 115 lbs.
Frame / Build: Curvy
Hair length: Shoulder blades
Hair color: Black
Eye shape: Round
Eye color: Hazel
Complexion: Smooth
Face size: Slender
Voice type: Sensual
Foot size: 9 Women’s
Tattoo(s): Snake on her back
Scar(s): None
Other notable accessories: Ankle pearls
Any other identifying mark(s): None
=========================================
SOCIO / ECONOMIC / POLITICAL
=========================================
Political Affiliation: Right-Leaning Libertarian
Economic Class: Rich Capitalist
Social Class: Nobility
Occupation: Queen
Income: Wealthy
Residence: Atwood Castle
Transportation: Carriage pulled by horses
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INTERESTS
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Favorite Food(s): Ice Cream and Fudge
Favorite Sport(s): Yoga
Favorite Book(s): Dark Romance and Dark Erotica
Favorite Show(s): TV isn’t a thing yet
Favorite Music: Choir vocals
Favorite Color(s): Black and purple
Clothing Style / Preferences: Royal dress, leather suits, leather boots or high heels
Hobbies: Reading, Ice cream making, card games, makeup and cosplay
Role Model(s): Her mother
Likes: Sex, control, soft-power, getting her way all the time
Dislikes: Rejection, physical ugliness, competition, losing control
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PERSONALITY
=========================================
Good Qualities / Trait(s): Leadership, good social skills, deal-maker
Vices / Negative Trait(s): Overspending, manipulative, narcissistic, rapist
Strengths: Seduction, soft-power authority, good speech-giving skills
Weaknesses: Lack of fighting skills, rumination, can’t deal with rejection or criticism
Habits / Idiosyncrasies / Quirks: Shoe-dangling, hair play, finger twirling
Phobia / Fears: Being cornered, being controlled, poverty, scorpions
Select one personality type below that best describes your character:
PROTECTORS
[X] Overseer (ESTJ) – Thrives on facts and details. Has a clear set of standards and beliefs. They are hardworking, responsible, and self-confident. They rely on experiences rather than speculation, and make decisions based on these. Very good at enforcing laws and rules. Loyal and hard-working. Like to be in charge. Very organized, tends to be a stickler for the rules.
Define your character’s personality based on the following aspects:
a. Physically: Easy on the eyes, easy to fall in love with, easy to listen to
b. Psychologically: Manipulative, cunning, intelligent
c. Spiritually: Disregard for the elven religion
d. Emotionally: Doesn’t handle rejection well and will always steer the conversation in her direction
e. Socially: Her citizens will bend over backwards for her if it means they have even a slight “chance” with her.
=========================================
HISTORY
=========================================
1. Describe the character’s childhood. She was groomed for her queen’s role from a very young age. She learned early on that manipulation and looking beautiful were more important than empathy and kindness.
2. Name the good incidents that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? She was rewarded with toys and ice cream whenever she did what her mother asked and taught her.
3. Name bad experiences that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? Her mother killed her biological father and remarried to a doormat. This was Shelly’s final lesson in getting what she wants at all costs.
4. What is the character doing when first introduced? What are her goals at this point? She’s sitting in her throne examining Windham to see if he’ll be good “husband material” instead of just another sex slave to sell. Her goals are just to sell sex slaves that she brainwashed herself and stay wealthy and powerful in the process.
4a. Do these goals change at any point in the story? She made the mistake of “falling in love” with Windham due to his royal elven pedigree and “strength that [she] can sap away”. This takes priority over her slave trading business.
=========================================
STORY DEVELOPMENT:
=========================================
CHARACTER ARCHETYPE: (Put an X on all applicable boxes)
[] Addict (Conspicuous Consumer, Glutton, Workaholic–see also Gambler)
[] Advocate (Attorney, Defender, Legislator, Lobbyist, Environmentalist)
[] Alchemist (Wizard, Magician, Scientist, Inventor–see also Visionary)
[] Angel (Fairy Godmother/Godfather)
[X] Antagonist (Opposing View, not necessarily the Evil Bad — see also Villain)
[] Anti-Hero
[] Artist (Artisan, Craftsperson, Sculptor, Weaver)
[] Athlete (Olympian)
[] Avenger (Avenging Angel, Savior, Messiah)
[] Beggar (Homeless person/ Indigent)
[X] Bully (Coward)
[] Catalyst
[] Child (Orphan, Wounded, Magical/Innocent, Nature, Divine, Puer/Puella Eternis, or Eternal Boy/Girl)
[] Clown (Court Jester, Fool, Dummling)
[] Companion (Friend, Sidekick, Right Arm, Consort)
[] Damsel (Princess)
[] Destroyer (Attila, Mad Scientist, Serial Killer, Spoiler)
[] Detective (Spy, Double Agent, Sleuth, Snoop, Sherlock Holmes, Private Investigator, Profiler–see also Warrior/Crime Fighter)
[] Dilettante (Amateur)
[] Don Juan (Casanova, Gigolo, Seducer, Sex Addict)
[] Engineer (Architect, Builder, Schemer)
[] Exorcist (Shaman)
[] Father (Patriarch, Progenitor)
[X] Femme Fatale (Black Widow, Flirt, Siren, Circe, Seductress, Enchantress)
[X] Gambler
[] God (Adonis, see also Hero)
[] Gossip (see also Networker)
[] Guide (Guru, Sage, Crone, Wise Woman, Spiritual Master, Evangelist, Preacher)
[] Healer (Wounded Healer, Intuitive Healer, Caregiver, Nurse, Therapist, Analyst, Counselor)
[] Hedonist (Bon Vivant, Chef, Gourmet, Gourmand, Sybarite–see also Mystic)
[] Hermit (see also Wise old Man)
[] Hero/Heroine (see also Knight, Warrior)
[] Judge (Critic, Examiner, Mediator, Arbitrator)
[] King (Emperor, Ruler, Leader, Chief — see also Politician)
[] Knight in Shining Armor
[] Liberator
[X] Lover
[] Martyr
[] Mediator (Ambassador, Diplomat, Go-Between)
[] Mentor (Master, Counselor, Tutor)
[] Messiah (Redeemer, Savior)
[] Midas/Miser
[] Monk/Nun (Celibate)
[] Mother (Matriarch, Mother Nature)
[] Mystic (Renunciate, Anchorite, Hermit)
[] Networker (Messenger, Herald, Courier, Journalist, Communicator)
[] Pioneer (Explorer, Settler, Pilgrim, Innovator)
[] Poet
[X] Politician (see also King)
[] Priest (Priestess, Minister, Rabbi, Evangelist)
[] Prince
[] Prostitute
[X] Queen (Empress)
[] Rebel (Anarchist, Revolutionary, Political Protester, Nonconformist, Pirate)
[] Rescuer
[] Saboteur
[] Samaritan
[] Scribe (Copyist, Secretary, Accountant–see also Journalist)
[] Seeker (Wanderer, Vagabond, Nomad)
[] Servant (Indentured Servant)
[] Shape-shifter (Spell-caster–see also Trickster)
[] Slave
[] Spectre (Ghost / Apparition with Unresolved issues)
[] Storyteller (Minstrel, Narrator)
[] Student / Scholar (Disciple, Devotee, Follower, Apprentice)
[X] Teacher (Instructor, see also Mentor)
[] Thief (Swindler, Con Artist, Pickpocket, Burglar, Robin Hood)
[] Threshold Guardian
[] Trickster (Puck, Provocateur)
[] Turncoat
[] Vampire
[] Victim
[X] Villain / Shadow (Big Bad of the story; see also Antagonist)
[] Virgin (see also Celibate)
[] Visionary (Dreamer, Prophet, Seer–see also Guide, Alchemist)
[] Warrior (Soldier, Crime Fighter, Amazon, Mercenary, Soldier of Fortune, Gunslinger, Samurai)
[] Wise old Man (see also Hermit)
1. What are the motivations for the character’s actions? Horniness and power
2. What are the character’s goals / ambition / dreams? To eventually retire from her duties and become a self-indulgent hedonist with a “husband” that will take care of her
3. What external conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? The Stonewall Kingdom and Xavier Village are actively resisting her.
3a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? They know how to fight despite the fact that their numbers are shrinking rapidly due to mysterious disappearances.
4. What inner conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Insecurities about her beauty and seductiveness.
4a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? She’s not the only beautiful person in the world despite the fact that she wants to be. That’s why she makes her soldiers wear hooded robes.
=========================================
AUTHOR’S NOTES / MISCELLANY
=========================================
Character theme song: “You Love Me ‘Cause I Hate You” by Lacuna Coil
Celebrity / IRL lookalike: Sarah-Jane Redmond (as Lucy Butler from “Millennium”)
THE BASICS
=========================================
Name: Shelly Atwood
Nicknames: Sex Queen, Succubus, Sex Demon
Gender: Cisgender Female
Age: 40
Birth Date: 462 AM
Birth Place: The Atwood Queendom
Currently Living In: The Atwood Queendom
Species: Human
Ethnicity / Race: Caucasian
Citizenship: Honey Valley
Religion / Beliefs: Libertarian
=========================================
FAMILY
=========================================
Father: Rogan Atwood
Age: Dead
Relationship: Abusive
Mother: Emmanuelle Atwood
Age: Dead
Relationship: Manipulative
Step-Brother: Torger Manson
Age: 36
Relationship: Obedient
Sister: Kanodra Atwood
Age: 32
Relationship: Estranged
Step-Father: Dagger Manson
Age: Dead
Relationship: Neglect
=========================================
PHYSICAL FEATURES:
=========================================
Height: 5’9
Weight: 115 lbs.
Frame / Build: Curvy
Hair length: Shoulder blades
Hair color: Black
Eye shape: Round
Eye color: Hazel
Complexion: Smooth
Face size: Slender
Voice type: Sensual
Foot size: 9 Women’s
Tattoo(s): Snake on her back
Scar(s): None
Other notable accessories: Ankle pearls
Any other identifying mark(s): None
=========================================
SOCIO / ECONOMIC / POLITICAL
=========================================
Political Affiliation: Right-Leaning Libertarian
Economic Class: Rich Capitalist
Social Class: Nobility
Occupation: Queen
Income: Wealthy
Residence: Atwood Castle
Transportation: Carriage pulled by horses
=========================================
INTERESTS
=========================================
Favorite Food(s): Ice Cream and Fudge
Favorite Sport(s): Yoga
Favorite Book(s): Dark Romance and Dark Erotica
Favorite Show(s): TV isn’t a thing yet
Favorite Music: Choir vocals
Favorite Color(s): Black and purple
Clothing Style / Preferences: Royal dress, leather suits, leather boots or high heels
Hobbies: Reading, Ice cream making, card games, makeup and cosplay
Role Model(s): Her mother
Likes: Sex, control, soft-power, getting her way all the time
Dislikes: Rejection, physical ugliness, competition, losing control
=========================================
PERSONALITY
=========================================
Good Qualities / Trait(s): Leadership, good social skills, deal-maker
Vices / Negative Trait(s): Overspending, manipulative, narcissistic, rapist
Strengths: Seduction, soft-power authority, good speech-giving skills
Weaknesses: Lack of fighting skills, rumination, can’t deal with rejection or criticism
Habits / Idiosyncrasies / Quirks: Shoe-dangling, hair play, finger twirling
Phobia / Fears: Being cornered, being controlled, poverty, scorpions
Select one personality type below that best describes your character:
PROTECTORS
[X] Overseer (ESTJ) – Thrives on facts and details. Has a clear set of standards and beliefs. They are hardworking, responsible, and self-confident. They rely on experiences rather than speculation, and make decisions based on these. Very good at enforcing laws and rules. Loyal and hard-working. Like to be in charge. Very organized, tends to be a stickler for the rules.
Define your character’s personality based on the following aspects:
a. Physically: Easy on the eyes, easy to fall in love with, easy to listen to
b. Psychologically: Manipulative, cunning, intelligent
c. Spiritually: Disregard for the elven religion
d. Emotionally: Doesn’t handle rejection well and will always steer the conversation in her direction
e. Socially: Her citizens will bend over backwards for her if it means they have even a slight “chance” with her.
=========================================
HISTORY
=========================================
1. Describe the character’s childhood. She was groomed for her queen’s role from a very young age. She learned early on that manipulation and looking beautiful were more important than empathy and kindness.
2. Name the good incidents that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? She was rewarded with toys and ice cream whenever she did what her mother asked and taught her.
3. Name bad experiences that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? Her mother killed her biological father and remarried to a doormat. This was Shelly’s final lesson in getting what she wants at all costs.
4. What is the character doing when first introduced? What are her goals at this point? She’s sitting in her throne examining Windham to see if he’ll be good “husband material” instead of just another sex slave to sell. Her goals are just to sell sex slaves that she brainwashed herself and stay wealthy and powerful in the process.
4a. Do these goals change at any point in the story? She made the mistake of “falling in love” with Windham due to his royal elven pedigree and “strength that [she] can sap away”. This takes priority over her slave trading business.
=========================================
STORY DEVELOPMENT:
=========================================
CHARACTER ARCHETYPE: (Put an X on all applicable boxes)
[] Addict (Conspicuous Consumer, Glutton, Workaholic–see also Gambler)
[] Advocate (Attorney, Defender, Legislator, Lobbyist, Environmentalist)
[] Alchemist (Wizard, Magician, Scientist, Inventor–see also Visionary)
[] Angel (Fairy Godmother/Godfather)
[X] Antagonist (Opposing View, not necessarily the Evil Bad — see also Villain)
[] Anti-Hero
[] Artist (Artisan, Craftsperson, Sculptor, Weaver)
[] Athlete (Olympian)
[] Avenger (Avenging Angel, Savior, Messiah)
[] Beggar (Homeless person/ Indigent)
[X] Bully (Coward)
[] Catalyst
[] Child (Orphan, Wounded, Magical/Innocent, Nature, Divine, Puer/Puella Eternis, or Eternal Boy/Girl)
[] Clown (Court Jester, Fool, Dummling)
[] Companion (Friend, Sidekick, Right Arm, Consort)
[] Damsel (Princess)
[] Destroyer (Attila, Mad Scientist, Serial Killer, Spoiler)
[] Detective (Spy, Double Agent, Sleuth, Snoop, Sherlock Holmes, Private Investigator, Profiler–see also Warrior/Crime Fighter)
[] Dilettante (Amateur)
[] Don Juan (Casanova, Gigolo, Seducer, Sex Addict)
[] Engineer (Architect, Builder, Schemer)
[] Exorcist (Shaman)
[] Father (Patriarch, Progenitor)
[X] Femme Fatale (Black Widow, Flirt, Siren, Circe, Seductress, Enchantress)
[X] Gambler
[] God (Adonis, see also Hero)
[] Gossip (see also Networker)
[] Guide (Guru, Sage, Crone, Wise Woman, Spiritual Master, Evangelist, Preacher)
[] Healer (Wounded Healer, Intuitive Healer, Caregiver, Nurse, Therapist, Analyst, Counselor)
[] Hedonist (Bon Vivant, Chef, Gourmet, Gourmand, Sybarite–see also Mystic)
[] Hermit (see also Wise old Man)
[] Hero/Heroine (see also Knight, Warrior)
[] Judge (Critic, Examiner, Mediator, Arbitrator)
[] King (Emperor, Ruler, Leader, Chief — see also Politician)
[] Knight in Shining Armor
[] Liberator
[X] Lover
[] Martyr
[] Mediator (Ambassador, Diplomat, Go-Between)
[] Mentor (Master, Counselor, Tutor)
[] Messiah (Redeemer, Savior)
[] Midas/Miser
[] Monk/Nun (Celibate)
[] Mother (Matriarch, Mother Nature)
[] Mystic (Renunciate, Anchorite, Hermit)
[] Networker (Messenger, Herald, Courier, Journalist, Communicator)
[] Pioneer (Explorer, Settler, Pilgrim, Innovator)
[] Poet
[X] Politician (see also King)
[] Priest (Priestess, Minister, Rabbi, Evangelist)
[] Prince
[] Prostitute
[X] Queen (Empress)
[] Rebel (Anarchist, Revolutionary, Political Protester, Nonconformist, Pirate)
[] Rescuer
[] Saboteur
[] Samaritan
[] Scribe (Copyist, Secretary, Accountant–see also Journalist)
[] Seeker (Wanderer, Vagabond, Nomad)
[] Servant (Indentured Servant)
[] Shape-shifter (Spell-caster–see also Trickster)
[] Slave
[] Spectre (Ghost / Apparition with Unresolved issues)
[] Storyteller (Minstrel, Narrator)
[] Student / Scholar (Disciple, Devotee, Follower, Apprentice)
[X] Teacher (Instructor, see also Mentor)
[] Thief (Swindler, Con Artist, Pickpocket, Burglar, Robin Hood)
[] Threshold Guardian
[] Trickster (Puck, Provocateur)
[] Turncoat
[] Vampire
[] Victim
[X] Villain / Shadow (Big Bad of the story; see also Antagonist)
[] Virgin (see also Celibate)
[] Visionary (Dreamer, Prophet, Seer–see also Guide, Alchemist)
[] Warrior (Soldier, Crime Fighter, Amazon, Mercenary, Soldier of Fortune, Gunslinger, Samurai)
[] Wise old Man (see also Hermit)
1. What are the motivations for the character’s actions? Horniness and power
2. What are the character’s goals / ambition / dreams? To eventually retire from her duties and become a self-indulgent hedonist with a “husband” that will take care of her
3. What external conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? The Stonewall Kingdom and Xavier Village are actively resisting her.
3a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? They know how to fight despite the fact that their numbers are shrinking rapidly due to mysterious disappearances.
4. What inner conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Insecurities about her beauty and seductiveness.
4a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? She’s not the only beautiful person in the world despite the fact that she wants to be. That’s why she makes her soldiers wear hooded robes.
=========================================
AUTHOR’S NOTES / MISCELLANY
=========================================
Character theme song: “You Love Me ‘Cause I Hate You” by Lacuna Coil
Celebrity / IRL lookalike: Sarah-Jane Redmond (as Lucy Butler from “Millennium”)
August 4, 2022
For Who You Are
VERSE 1
You said that thinking was never my strong suit
Then why are you the one licking cult leaders’ boots?
Why is your brain melting like chocolate ice cream?
Why are you the reason all the teachers want to scream?
You’ve got emotional maturity of a six-year-old kid
A whole lot of whining is all you really did
All the fake cleverness won’t take you very far
Own up and apologize FOR WHO YOU ARE!
VERSE 2
You said playtime is over and to grow the fuck up
You’d be more scientific if you’d just shut up
Putting down the Legos doesn’t make a lick of sense
I got a box of Beanie Babies for just ninety-nine cents
I got a videogame that takes a hundred hours to beat
To win this argument, all you have to do is cheat
Don’t just apologize to my Hot Wheels mini-cars
Apologize FOR WHO YOU ARE!
BRIDGE
You ask me to change, yet you won’t do the same
Respect goes two ways; this is not the Hunger Games
You ask me to listen like it’s my life’s only mission
Fuck your tunnel vision; you owe me some ass-kissin’
VERSE 3
Don’t just apologize for all the harm you’ve caused
Don’t just apologize for all the time you’ve lost
Don’t just apologize for lowering the bar
Apologize FOR WHO YOU ARE!
FINAL LINES
This debate has reached its expiration date
Goodbye, reprobate, and enjoy the hate!
You said that thinking was never my strong suit
Then why are you the one licking cult leaders’ boots?
Why is your brain melting like chocolate ice cream?
Why are you the reason all the teachers want to scream?
You’ve got emotional maturity of a six-year-old kid
A whole lot of whining is all you really did
All the fake cleverness won’t take you very far
Own up and apologize FOR WHO YOU ARE!
VERSE 2
You said playtime is over and to grow the fuck up
You’d be more scientific if you’d just shut up
Putting down the Legos doesn’t make a lick of sense
I got a box of Beanie Babies for just ninety-nine cents
I got a videogame that takes a hundred hours to beat
To win this argument, all you have to do is cheat
Don’t just apologize to my Hot Wheels mini-cars
Apologize FOR WHO YOU ARE!
BRIDGE
You ask me to change, yet you won’t do the same
Respect goes two ways; this is not the Hunger Games
You ask me to listen like it’s my life’s only mission
Fuck your tunnel vision; you owe me some ass-kissin’
VERSE 3
Don’t just apologize for all the harm you’ve caused
Don’t just apologize for all the time you’ve lost
Don’t just apologize for lowering the bar
Apologize FOR WHO YOU ARE!
FINAL LINES
This debate has reached its expiration date
Goodbye, reprobate, and enjoy the hate!
July 26, 2022
Bulletproof Bikini
Marguerite Macintosh may have been wandering around Helgor City in little else than a metal bikini, leather boots, and a furry cloak, but this chilly weather should never have been confused for the “dog days of summer”. The only things keeping her warm were the burning pain radiating off of her fresh scars and her boiling blood over this wardrobe fiasco. Her bastard sword was sheathed on her hip; she kept a firm grip on the handle while her other hand carried a mysterious leather sack. She heard enough testicle jokes in her lifetime that they were to be expected when she carried around a package that big.
As she trudged down the sidewalk of this vast city with bustling marketplaces and massive architecture, Marguerite made sure to give stone cold glares at the various men who passed her with dirty thoughts racing through their melon heads. The smiles they gave her, the whistles, and the chuckles were enough to boil her blood even further. The women were equally worthy of her scorn; they twisted their faces in disgust, as though Marguerite was going to steal their husbands right in front of them.
Because the streets were so jam-packed with horn-dog men, racing children, and jealous women, she couldn’t help but bump into a few of them, though she wondered how much of that contact was on purpose. There were a few hands here and there and in an ideal world, those hands wouldn’t be attached to their owners’ arms anymore. The bastard sword was right there, yet she kept it sheathed the whole time.
“Just a few more blocks,” she muttered to herself. The frosty weather nipped at her flesh almost as harshly as the poor sucker she had been in combat with only an hour prior. Those razor talons and blade-like fangs were far from Marguerite’s idea of a fun time. But a payday was a payday and a meal was a meal. “That son of a bitch better not stiff me this time,” she said, referring to her mercenary boss Goldsmith Kingsville.
“You said stiff!” said a giggling teenaged boy as his father pulled him away, also in a chuckling mood.
Marguerite’s knuckles had turned as white as the frosty weather at the strength she was gripping her hilt. She could cause a city wide bloodbath that could only be written about in holy scriptures. She could leave heads rolling down the street like the beer barrels the men probably consumed by the gallon. She could leave intestines strewn across the cobblestones while the diarrhea they contained painted an accurate picture of all the bullshit this place was known for. She thought better off it and continued down the sidewalk. “The real battle…” She stopped herself before her words could be misinterpreted again by snot-nosed kids.
A few more bumps, gropes, and hee-haws later, she finally arrived at the steps of the Kingsville Combat Club. They would prove to be a long climb, not because of the distance, but because of the sharp pains in her leg scars with every step. She sucked it up and pulled herself up the stairs into the stone-carved barracks. It was somehow less painful than being leered at by horny men and scowled at by jealous women. And then she remembered that the cycle would begin all over again once she walked through the doors of her workplace, which she did.
Just as she had predicted, the sparring orcs, in metal armor much more protective than hers, took a break from their exercises to evilly-smile and snort at her. Some of them swirled their tongues around like they were about to eat a delicious roasted ham. Others wiggled their fingers in anticipation of a hard grip. One of them whistled like his voice was a jazz instrument, much to the hee-hawing delight of the other mercenaries. Again, Marguerite could turn this entire room into a farmhouse slaughter fit for oinking pigs. But she thought better of it and picked up her walking speed towards Goldsmith’s office. She slammed the door behind her and the sounds of sparring continued.
And there he was, his booted feet on the desk, his velvet purple suit on, a cigar smoldering in his mouth, and his eyes pasted to his magazine. His entire room was decorated with artwork of half-naked models and leopard print rugs. Marguerite had her angry eyes locked in not on those, but the pervert who hung the pictures there in the first place. He peeked out from his magazine and waved at her before blowing a drooling orcish kiss.
Marguerite marched up to Goldsmith’s desk and slammed the package on the wooden surface, almost creating a few splinters. She pulled the draw string on it and revealed the head of a rival orcish warrior, which made Goldsmith’s eyes light up like a shooting star. He grabbed the head by its hair and examined it further to make sure everything was on the up and up. “Fine job, Margueritie-Sweetie.” She cringed at that nickname. “Our client will be very happy with this!”
Marguerite then slammed her coin bag on the table with equally brutish force and opened it. She pointed inside and said, “Karma. Karma!”
“If you insist.” Commander Kingsville pulled a metal box from underneath his desk, unlocked it with a massive key, and scooped up handfuls of gold coins to put in the Marguerite’s bag. She closed it up, jiggled it next to her ear, and stuck it on her belt, ultimately satisfied with her payday. Goldsmith put the metal box away, but she was still there with her arms folded and a murderous look on her face. “What? You got your payday, now get lost.”
“There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you, Commander.” Marguerite cleared her throat. “Are you okay?”
Goldsmith throatily laughed and slapped his desk a few times. “Are you kidding me, babe? Business is booming! I’ve never felt better in my life! Are you okay, my ass!” He laughed some more.
“That’s not what I meant, Commander. What I meant was…are you okay…as in…what the hell is wrong with you?!”
“Huh?”
“These other mercenaries, all of which are men, get to walk around protected head to toe in armor while I’m stuck out in the cold-ass weather in… whatever this is! You say business is booming, yet you can’t afford to get me some halfway decent armor?!”
Goldsmith placed a hand on Marguerite’s shoulder, which was instantly swatted away. “Listen, lady. Walking around in a metal bikini isn’t so bad. It’s lightweight, so you can move around easier. You have any idea how heavy those other suits of armor are?”
Private Macintosh grabbed her boss’s jacket and snapped, “Cut the bullshit! This skimpy armor isn’t going to protect me from anything! Look at all these scars! Look!”
Goldsmith pulled on his own collar to signify discomfort. “Trust me, I’m looking.”
“Exactly! You didn’t buy me this piece of crap armor because you wanted to protect me! You certainly didn’t want me to move faster, because let’s face it, fast-moving women make it impossible for you to do your little thing with them. This isn’t protection, Commander! This is fantasy!”
Goldsmith shoved her to the floor. “If you want real armor so badly, then use your payday to buy some! There’s enough in that coin bag to get you at least…”
She got up and got right back in her boss’s face. “You paid for their armor, now pay for mine! You just said yourself you have the money to do it, now quit stiffing me and…”
“Stiff this, you dumb bitch!” Goldsmith tried to slap her with the magazine, but she caught it just in the nick of time and started poring through it.
This wasn’t a literary publication at all. Not a single poem about flowers and shit. Not a single piece of prose about gallant battles. Not a single epic about conquering giants. Just pictures. Pictures of women wearing the same metal bikini as her. Just when Marguerite’s stomach couldn’t twist and wind any further, the final picture in the magazine…was of her. A realistic drawing of her wearing that same bikini, posing seductively at the reader, and blowing a kiss.
Marguerite’s breathing hastened. Her heart thumped in her chest while an icy river of anxiety cooled her burning scars. She dropped to her knees and vomited on the magazine, completely undoing her entire nutrition for the day.
“Oh, don’t act so disgusted! That’s the best art you’ll ever see in your lifetime! He’s great at what he does!”
Marguerite wiped the vomit from her lips and slowly rose to her feet, her trembling hand gripping her hilt even tighter than before, to where her palms were beet red. She angrily whispered, “Did you just say…HE’S great at what he does? He? As in…the male gaze?!” She finally pulled out her bastard sword and sliced Goldsmith’s desk in half, causing the boss to jolt backwards in fear. Sure enough, he had other magazines of half-naked girls stashed in there as well as his cash box.
Goldsmith pulled his collar in discomfort again. “I can explain!”
Not giving him a chance to do so, Marguerite threw a thunderous slash his way and sliced his massive head off, the last of his fucked up mind oozing on the carpeted floor. She dropped to her knees again, shaking in a combination of anger, disgust, and fear. Commander Kingsville had been masturbating to her this whole time. He had thoughts about her. He wanted to be with her. That metal bikini wasn’t practical in any way. It was all a perverted fantasy. Marguerite threw up yet again, this time loudly enough to draw the ire of someone knocking on the door.
“Hey! What’s going on in there! You alright, boss?!”
Thinking quickly, Marguerite took her bastard sword and wedged it between the double door handles. She didn’t know how long the lock would last considering how hard the orc was knocking. The sword even bent a few times like it was made of rubber. Marguerite took the cash box, grabbed Goldsmith’s head, and chucked it through his stained glass window, giving her an easy escape and the orcs enough reason to slam even harder against the doors.
Once the doors broke down, Marguerite, with cash box in hand, ran like the wind. Her leg scars flared up to where she was begging for an amputation. But she kept running through the back alleys. She kept hearing the sounds of orcs grunting behind her. Those throaty screams and curses, as much as they pounded against her eardrum, they softened the further she ran. And then she took a sharp turn into another alleyway and her legs finally gave out on her. Blood running from the wounds made her dizzy. The burning sensation caused her eyes to well up in pain. She was certain the orcs were going to chop her up and have her for lunch…or have her for lunch regardless, which made her gag even more.
But then the orcish voices were gone. She couldn’t hear them anymore. If she was dead from her wounds, then heaven looked an awful lot like Helgor City. It wasn’t heaven at all. Maybe it was hell. Maybe it was some unseen god punishing her for murder and theft. Speaking of theft, the cash box was still right there by her side. She patted it and breathed a sigh of relief once she knew it was safe.
“You know…maybe I will buy my own armor…and a vacation…I wouldn’t mind a vacation right now…”
As she trudged down the sidewalk of this vast city with bustling marketplaces and massive architecture, Marguerite made sure to give stone cold glares at the various men who passed her with dirty thoughts racing through their melon heads. The smiles they gave her, the whistles, and the chuckles were enough to boil her blood even further. The women were equally worthy of her scorn; they twisted their faces in disgust, as though Marguerite was going to steal their husbands right in front of them.
Because the streets were so jam-packed with horn-dog men, racing children, and jealous women, she couldn’t help but bump into a few of them, though she wondered how much of that contact was on purpose. There were a few hands here and there and in an ideal world, those hands wouldn’t be attached to their owners’ arms anymore. The bastard sword was right there, yet she kept it sheathed the whole time.
“Just a few more blocks,” she muttered to herself. The frosty weather nipped at her flesh almost as harshly as the poor sucker she had been in combat with only an hour prior. Those razor talons and blade-like fangs were far from Marguerite’s idea of a fun time. But a payday was a payday and a meal was a meal. “That son of a bitch better not stiff me this time,” she said, referring to her mercenary boss Goldsmith Kingsville.
“You said stiff!” said a giggling teenaged boy as his father pulled him away, also in a chuckling mood.
Marguerite’s knuckles had turned as white as the frosty weather at the strength she was gripping her hilt. She could cause a city wide bloodbath that could only be written about in holy scriptures. She could leave heads rolling down the street like the beer barrels the men probably consumed by the gallon. She could leave intestines strewn across the cobblestones while the diarrhea they contained painted an accurate picture of all the bullshit this place was known for. She thought better off it and continued down the sidewalk. “The real battle…” She stopped herself before her words could be misinterpreted again by snot-nosed kids.
A few more bumps, gropes, and hee-haws later, she finally arrived at the steps of the Kingsville Combat Club. They would prove to be a long climb, not because of the distance, but because of the sharp pains in her leg scars with every step. She sucked it up and pulled herself up the stairs into the stone-carved barracks. It was somehow less painful than being leered at by horny men and scowled at by jealous women. And then she remembered that the cycle would begin all over again once she walked through the doors of her workplace, which she did.
Just as she had predicted, the sparring orcs, in metal armor much more protective than hers, took a break from their exercises to evilly-smile and snort at her. Some of them swirled their tongues around like they were about to eat a delicious roasted ham. Others wiggled their fingers in anticipation of a hard grip. One of them whistled like his voice was a jazz instrument, much to the hee-hawing delight of the other mercenaries. Again, Marguerite could turn this entire room into a farmhouse slaughter fit for oinking pigs. But she thought better of it and picked up her walking speed towards Goldsmith’s office. She slammed the door behind her and the sounds of sparring continued.
And there he was, his booted feet on the desk, his velvet purple suit on, a cigar smoldering in his mouth, and his eyes pasted to his magazine. His entire room was decorated with artwork of half-naked models and leopard print rugs. Marguerite had her angry eyes locked in not on those, but the pervert who hung the pictures there in the first place. He peeked out from his magazine and waved at her before blowing a drooling orcish kiss.
Marguerite marched up to Goldsmith’s desk and slammed the package on the wooden surface, almost creating a few splinters. She pulled the draw string on it and revealed the head of a rival orcish warrior, which made Goldsmith’s eyes light up like a shooting star. He grabbed the head by its hair and examined it further to make sure everything was on the up and up. “Fine job, Margueritie-Sweetie.” She cringed at that nickname. “Our client will be very happy with this!”
Marguerite then slammed her coin bag on the table with equally brutish force and opened it. She pointed inside and said, “Karma. Karma!”
“If you insist.” Commander Kingsville pulled a metal box from underneath his desk, unlocked it with a massive key, and scooped up handfuls of gold coins to put in the Marguerite’s bag. She closed it up, jiggled it next to her ear, and stuck it on her belt, ultimately satisfied with her payday. Goldsmith put the metal box away, but she was still there with her arms folded and a murderous look on her face. “What? You got your payday, now get lost.”
“There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you, Commander.” Marguerite cleared her throat. “Are you okay?”
Goldsmith throatily laughed and slapped his desk a few times. “Are you kidding me, babe? Business is booming! I’ve never felt better in my life! Are you okay, my ass!” He laughed some more.
“That’s not what I meant, Commander. What I meant was…are you okay…as in…what the hell is wrong with you?!”
“Huh?”
“These other mercenaries, all of which are men, get to walk around protected head to toe in armor while I’m stuck out in the cold-ass weather in… whatever this is! You say business is booming, yet you can’t afford to get me some halfway decent armor?!”
Goldsmith placed a hand on Marguerite’s shoulder, which was instantly swatted away. “Listen, lady. Walking around in a metal bikini isn’t so bad. It’s lightweight, so you can move around easier. You have any idea how heavy those other suits of armor are?”
Private Macintosh grabbed her boss’s jacket and snapped, “Cut the bullshit! This skimpy armor isn’t going to protect me from anything! Look at all these scars! Look!”
Goldsmith pulled on his own collar to signify discomfort. “Trust me, I’m looking.”
“Exactly! You didn’t buy me this piece of crap armor because you wanted to protect me! You certainly didn’t want me to move faster, because let’s face it, fast-moving women make it impossible for you to do your little thing with them. This isn’t protection, Commander! This is fantasy!”
Goldsmith shoved her to the floor. “If you want real armor so badly, then use your payday to buy some! There’s enough in that coin bag to get you at least…”
She got up and got right back in her boss’s face. “You paid for their armor, now pay for mine! You just said yourself you have the money to do it, now quit stiffing me and…”
“Stiff this, you dumb bitch!” Goldsmith tried to slap her with the magazine, but she caught it just in the nick of time and started poring through it.
This wasn’t a literary publication at all. Not a single poem about flowers and shit. Not a single piece of prose about gallant battles. Not a single epic about conquering giants. Just pictures. Pictures of women wearing the same metal bikini as her. Just when Marguerite’s stomach couldn’t twist and wind any further, the final picture in the magazine…was of her. A realistic drawing of her wearing that same bikini, posing seductively at the reader, and blowing a kiss.
Marguerite’s breathing hastened. Her heart thumped in her chest while an icy river of anxiety cooled her burning scars. She dropped to her knees and vomited on the magazine, completely undoing her entire nutrition for the day.
“Oh, don’t act so disgusted! That’s the best art you’ll ever see in your lifetime! He’s great at what he does!”
Marguerite wiped the vomit from her lips and slowly rose to her feet, her trembling hand gripping her hilt even tighter than before, to where her palms were beet red. She angrily whispered, “Did you just say…HE’S great at what he does? He? As in…the male gaze?!” She finally pulled out her bastard sword and sliced Goldsmith’s desk in half, causing the boss to jolt backwards in fear. Sure enough, he had other magazines of half-naked girls stashed in there as well as his cash box.
Goldsmith pulled his collar in discomfort again. “I can explain!”
Not giving him a chance to do so, Marguerite threw a thunderous slash his way and sliced his massive head off, the last of his fucked up mind oozing on the carpeted floor. She dropped to her knees again, shaking in a combination of anger, disgust, and fear. Commander Kingsville had been masturbating to her this whole time. He had thoughts about her. He wanted to be with her. That metal bikini wasn’t practical in any way. It was all a perverted fantasy. Marguerite threw up yet again, this time loudly enough to draw the ire of someone knocking on the door.
“Hey! What’s going on in there! You alright, boss?!”
Thinking quickly, Marguerite took her bastard sword and wedged it between the double door handles. She didn’t know how long the lock would last considering how hard the orc was knocking. The sword even bent a few times like it was made of rubber. Marguerite took the cash box, grabbed Goldsmith’s head, and chucked it through his stained glass window, giving her an easy escape and the orcs enough reason to slam even harder against the doors.
Once the doors broke down, Marguerite, with cash box in hand, ran like the wind. Her leg scars flared up to where she was begging for an amputation. But she kept running through the back alleys. She kept hearing the sounds of orcs grunting behind her. Those throaty screams and curses, as much as they pounded against her eardrum, they softened the further she ran. And then she took a sharp turn into another alleyway and her legs finally gave out on her. Blood running from the wounds made her dizzy. The burning sensation caused her eyes to well up in pain. She was certain the orcs were going to chop her up and have her for lunch…or have her for lunch regardless, which made her gag even more.
But then the orcish voices were gone. She couldn’t hear them anymore. If she was dead from her wounds, then heaven looked an awful lot like Helgor City. It wasn’t heaven at all. Maybe it was hell. Maybe it was some unseen god punishing her for murder and theft. Speaking of theft, the cash box was still right there by her side. She patted it and breathed a sigh of relief once she knew it was safe.
“You know…maybe I will buy my own armor…and a vacation…I wouldn’t mind a vacation right now…”
July 16, 2022
Let Me Sleep
VERSE 1
I’d kill for a nice set of doggy days
But the AK-47 blew some kids away
But the women are living The Handmaid’s Tale
And the cops who enforce it never go to jail
I took a break from the news, but I have to return
So much about the world that I still have to learn
It matters very little if my short fuses burn
Can’t run forever, ‘cause it won’t get any better
CHORUS
Too much trauma at once, in the shit we’re deep
For god’s sake, just let me go the fuck to sleep
Is one good day too much to ask for?
Just let me sleep, let life be a bore
Let me sleep!
Let me sleep!
VERSE 2
I could walk down the street and shoot some hoops
It could get me out of this dystopian time loop
But all I want to do this afternoon is take a nap
And hope I don’t get snared in the news cycle trap
I can’t save the world when I’m by myself
Even the baddest of badasses are in need of help
We can start a revolution on any other day
But for now, I’ll let my mind drift away
CHORUS
Too much trauma at once, in the shit we’re deep
For god’s sake, just let me go the fuck to sleep
Is one good day too much to ask for?
Just let me sleep, let life be a bore
Let me sleep!
Let me sleep!
BRIDGE
I don’t need you to read me my last rites
Just tuck my carcass in and say goodnight
Try not to wake me up with bombs and blasts
Or a jeep motor that blows smoke like an ass
Or fireworks long after the fourth of July
Jingoism is dead, kiss that shit goodbye
CHORUS
Too much trauma at once, in the shit we’re deep
For god’s sake, just let me go the fuck to sleep
Is one good day too much to ask for?
Just let me sleep, let life be a bore
Let me sleep!
Let me sleep!
FINAL LINES
If I spent the night in a no-tell motel
Would you still shoot me dead, shrug it off like, “Oh well?”
I’d kill for a nice set of doggy days
But the AK-47 blew some kids away
But the women are living The Handmaid’s Tale
And the cops who enforce it never go to jail
I took a break from the news, but I have to return
So much about the world that I still have to learn
It matters very little if my short fuses burn
Can’t run forever, ‘cause it won’t get any better
CHORUS
Too much trauma at once, in the shit we’re deep
For god’s sake, just let me go the fuck to sleep
Is one good day too much to ask for?
Just let me sleep, let life be a bore
Let me sleep!
Let me sleep!
VERSE 2
I could walk down the street and shoot some hoops
It could get me out of this dystopian time loop
But all I want to do this afternoon is take a nap
And hope I don’t get snared in the news cycle trap
I can’t save the world when I’m by myself
Even the baddest of badasses are in need of help
We can start a revolution on any other day
But for now, I’ll let my mind drift away
CHORUS
Too much trauma at once, in the shit we’re deep
For god’s sake, just let me go the fuck to sleep
Is one good day too much to ask for?
Just let me sleep, let life be a bore
Let me sleep!
Let me sleep!
BRIDGE
I don’t need you to read me my last rites
Just tuck my carcass in and say goodnight
Try not to wake me up with bombs and blasts
Or a jeep motor that blows smoke like an ass
Or fireworks long after the fourth of July
Jingoism is dead, kiss that shit goodbye
CHORUS
Too much trauma at once, in the shit we’re deep
For god’s sake, just let me go the fuck to sleep
Is one good day too much to ask for?
Just let me sleep, let life be a bore
Let me sleep!
Let me sleep!
FINAL LINES
If I spent the night in a no-tell motel
Would you still shoot me dead, shrug it off like, “Oh well?”
July 4, 2022
Social Media Vacation
Hey, everyone. Starting tonight, I’m going to take a two-week vacation from social media. This includes Good Reads, Deviant Art, Face Book, Twitter, and You Tube. I’m hoping this will help recalibrate me after spending so much time doom-scrolling and consuming horrible news. If it’s affecting my mental health in the way I think it is, then two weeks away will be sufficient. When I eventually return, I’m probably going to have an ass-ton of notifications on all of my sites. I won’t be able to answer them all if that’s the case. Thanks for understanding and I’ll see you again on July 18th. Until then, take care, everyone.
July 3, 2022
Capsize Your Narrative
Generational narcissism is your only narrative
Got a past, present, and future of embarrassment
You could break the cycle, but that ain’t fun
So you plant your flagpole like an army of one
Scream your head off and then play the victim
Tears in your eyes when you’re asked to listen
Mucous in your nose when you’re held accountable
Not by yourself, because those odds are insurmountable
What will it take? Some cuffs on your wrists?
Or bloody knuckles over the wrong guy’s fist?
Or a trip to the afterlife, the point of no return?
Strike the match, your legacy is yours to burn
Every dollar you made, every friend you abandoned
All the art you consumed, all the raging fandom
It doesn’t mean a damn thing in the very end
Because your actions and words I will never defend
So what happens next? Do you pass on your genes?
To the next generation of hateful teens?
I wouldn’t put it past you, because it sounds imperative
Your only mission in life is to capsize your narrative
Got a past, present, and future of embarrassment
You could break the cycle, but that ain’t fun
So you plant your flagpole like an army of one
Scream your head off and then play the victim
Tears in your eyes when you’re asked to listen
Mucous in your nose when you’re held accountable
Not by yourself, because those odds are insurmountable
What will it take? Some cuffs on your wrists?
Or bloody knuckles over the wrong guy’s fist?
Or a trip to the afterlife, the point of no return?
Strike the match, your legacy is yours to burn
Every dollar you made, every friend you abandoned
All the art you consumed, all the raging fandom
It doesn’t mean a damn thing in the very end
Because your actions and words I will never defend
So what happens next? Do you pass on your genes?
To the next generation of hateful teens?
I wouldn’t put it past you, because it sounds imperative
Your only mission in life is to capsize your narrative
Monuments of Cringe
There are certain parts of your past where you should not plant your flagpole. There are certain hills you don’t want to die on. There are certain dumpster fires in your life that will burn you so badly that your ashes will blow away like a fart in the wind. The other day I discovered one of mine that I’m probably going to regret sharing with the world. I signed up for a Letterboxd account so that I could have a place to post my movie reviews. One of those reviews was for the 1985 film adaptation of Clue. I wrote this review when I was thirty years old, so I should have been mature enough to not go through with this horrible shit. But in this review, I…um…I, uh…laughed at Miss Scarlet’s “fruit” joke about Mr. Green (who’s gay) and I…suggested that it’s okay to ogle Yvette the Maid before you realize what she looks like now that she’s older.
That Clue review was what I like to call a Monument of Cringe, of which I have thousands of all over the internet. I read what I wrote and I cringed in disgust. My face was the color of zerg piss. My body shivered like someone dropped a toaster in my bathtub. My insides melted into whale slurry at the thought of someone eventually finding this review and broadcasting it out the world. And then the internet celebrates my past mistake with the hashtag “Garrison Kelly Is Over Party”, although my writing career won’t be derailed because I never went far to begin with. I’m grateful to have a small audience. But what if it grows overnight and they wade through this museum of cringe together? All of my embarrassment broadcast for the world to see. Hell, I probably said some embarrassing shit in this essay right now that I’ll get raked over the coals because of.
So what do you do when you realize that you have Monuments of Cringe all over the internet? What do you do when you realize your own published books are Stonehenges of Cringe? What do you do when you realize you built an entire legacy out of being disgusting and horrible in the way you’ve written? Nothing. You don’t delete your entire social media presence. You don’t pull your books off the shelves. If you must apologize to your audience, do so in a genuine and heartfelt way. Don’t make excuses. Remind your audience that they deserve better behavior from someone they look up to. And when you promise to keep growing, keep that promise and be the best version of yourself that you can be.
Because the truth is, a lot of art from the past doesn’t age well. Remember Ace Ventura: Pet Detective? Remember how the audience hee-hawed when they discovered that Einhorn had a boner in her underwear? Well, if you’ve made any effort to unlearn that behavior, you’ll see that transphobia is more harmful than funny and should therefore stay out of comedy forever. Remember all those jokes you heard from Boomer comedians about how much they hate their wives? Remember when the ultra-fat dinner guest ate the “wafer-thin mint” in Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life and then exploded all over the restaurant? Do you know why these things and many other pieces of media are now considered Monuments of Cringe? Because we’re (hopefully) learning more about the world around us. The more we learn, the more we apply it. And the more we apply it and grow into better people, the less likely we are to hold onto piss-poor nostalgia. That’s how life works: it progresses into the future.
I’ve decided after spiraling into disgust at my own past, I’m going to keep my Monuments of Cringe up. Not only do I have so many of them out there that I can’t get rid of them all, but I continue to create them in the present day and there will come a time when they age badly too. Learning to be a better person isn’t something that stops happening when you get to a certain point. It keeps going and going until the day you’re lowered into a wooden box with RIP scrawled across it. You can’t change the past no matter how hard you try. Yes, people will willingly see the ugliest parts of you before they see the best. But for every zergling and goblin that eats you alive, there are even more people who love you. You have to go out of your way to find them, but love is there if you look for it. Hell, there are people who still love J.K. Rowling even though she’s a transphobic bastard. There’s hope for you yet if you have even half the number of Monuments of Cringe that I do.
Perfection is a myth. Everybody has something they’re not proud of. Those who work on atoning for their worst behavior will successfully do so. Those who can’t admit it when they’ve fucked up? Well, let’s just say the over party will be complete with a disco ball and a bowl full of cheese dip. I’m telling you all now that if you happen to stumble upon my Monuments of Cringe and you think the worst of me, I apologize with all of my heart. If it’s years after the fact and another person finds them, I’ll apologize again. And if the future continues to roll on and I get called out for it again, I’ll apologize again. And again. And again. And again. While it is true that you can’t please everybody, you should at least try to be a halfway decent person even if perfection is indeed a myth. You may feel like you’re being looked at under a microscope. I do too sometimes. But if you think you feel alone, try being in the shoes of someone you’ve disenfranchised with your worst behavior.
But if you must hold an over party in my name, at least bring refreshments. Bring lots of Diet Coke. Bring enough pizzas to touch the ceiling. Bring enough bags of potato chips to give me the heart attack you’ve always wanted me to have. While I am sorry for every horrible thing I’ve said over my lifetime, I do indeed have a life to live. Will I live it with you? Will we eat potato chips together and dip them in a wading pool full of sour cream? Will we shove giant handfuls of cake in our mouths and talk about the world together (not with our mouths full, of course)? When I’m done atoning for my sins, I want to party with all of you. The Garrison Kelly over party has a conga line that I’ll gladly lead. Let’s party like it’s…a year that hopefully aged better than whatever god awful nonsense the 80’s and 90’s were. But if you ask me, I’ve erected more Monuments of Cringe in the 2000’s than at any point in my career. Remember Deus Shadowheart and Dr. Scott Cain? No? Good, let’s keep it that way.
That Clue review was what I like to call a Monument of Cringe, of which I have thousands of all over the internet. I read what I wrote and I cringed in disgust. My face was the color of zerg piss. My body shivered like someone dropped a toaster in my bathtub. My insides melted into whale slurry at the thought of someone eventually finding this review and broadcasting it out the world. And then the internet celebrates my past mistake with the hashtag “Garrison Kelly Is Over Party”, although my writing career won’t be derailed because I never went far to begin with. I’m grateful to have a small audience. But what if it grows overnight and they wade through this museum of cringe together? All of my embarrassment broadcast for the world to see. Hell, I probably said some embarrassing shit in this essay right now that I’ll get raked over the coals because of.
So what do you do when you realize that you have Monuments of Cringe all over the internet? What do you do when you realize your own published books are Stonehenges of Cringe? What do you do when you realize you built an entire legacy out of being disgusting and horrible in the way you’ve written? Nothing. You don’t delete your entire social media presence. You don’t pull your books off the shelves. If you must apologize to your audience, do so in a genuine and heartfelt way. Don’t make excuses. Remind your audience that they deserve better behavior from someone they look up to. And when you promise to keep growing, keep that promise and be the best version of yourself that you can be.
Because the truth is, a lot of art from the past doesn’t age well. Remember Ace Ventura: Pet Detective? Remember how the audience hee-hawed when they discovered that Einhorn had a boner in her underwear? Well, if you’ve made any effort to unlearn that behavior, you’ll see that transphobia is more harmful than funny and should therefore stay out of comedy forever. Remember all those jokes you heard from Boomer comedians about how much they hate their wives? Remember when the ultra-fat dinner guest ate the “wafer-thin mint” in Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life and then exploded all over the restaurant? Do you know why these things and many other pieces of media are now considered Monuments of Cringe? Because we’re (hopefully) learning more about the world around us. The more we learn, the more we apply it. And the more we apply it and grow into better people, the less likely we are to hold onto piss-poor nostalgia. That’s how life works: it progresses into the future.
I’ve decided after spiraling into disgust at my own past, I’m going to keep my Monuments of Cringe up. Not only do I have so many of them out there that I can’t get rid of them all, but I continue to create them in the present day and there will come a time when they age badly too. Learning to be a better person isn’t something that stops happening when you get to a certain point. It keeps going and going until the day you’re lowered into a wooden box with RIP scrawled across it. You can’t change the past no matter how hard you try. Yes, people will willingly see the ugliest parts of you before they see the best. But for every zergling and goblin that eats you alive, there are even more people who love you. You have to go out of your way to find them, but love is there if you look for it. Hell, there are people who still love J.K. Rowling even though she’s a transphobic bastard. There’s hope for you yet if you have even half the number of Monuments of Cringe that I do.
Perfection is a myth. Everybody has something they’re not proud of. Those who work on atoning for their worst behavior will successfully do so. Those who can’t admit it when they’ve fucked up? Well, let’s just say the over party will be complete with a disco ball and a bowl full of cheese dip. I’m telling you all now that if you happen to stumble upon my Monuments of Cringe and you think the worst of me, I apologize with all of my heart. If it’s years after the fact and another person finds them, I’ll apologize again. And if the future continues to roll on and I get called out for it again, I’ll apologize again. And again. And again. And again. While it is true that you can’t please everybody, you should at least try to be a halfway decent person even if perfection is indeed a myth. You may feel like you’re being looked at under a microscope. I do too sometimes. But if you think you feel alone, try being in the shoes of someone you’ve disenfranchised with your worst behavior.
But if you must hold an over party in my name, at least bring refreshments. Bring lots of Diet Coke. Bring enough pizzas to touch the ceiling. Bring enough bags of potato chips to give me the heart attack you’ve always wanted me to have. While I am sorry for every horrible thing I’ve said over my lifetime, I do indeed have a life to live. Will I live it with you? Will we eat potato chips together and dip them in a wading pool full of sour cream? Will we shove giant handfuls of cake in our mouths and talk about the world together (not with our mouths full, of course)? When I’m done atoning for my sins, I want to party with all of you. The Garrison Kelly over party has a conga line that I’ll gladly lead. Let’s party like it’s…a year that hopefully aged better than whatever god awful nonsense the 80’s and 90’s were. But if you ask me, I’ve erected more Monuments of Cringe in the 2000’s than at any point in my career. Remember Deus Shadowheart and Dr. Scott Cain? No? Good, let’s keep it that way.
June 21, 2022
Everybody's Got One Except Me
VERSE 1
Is she a piece of eye candy or a piece of ass?
The summer solstice has not yet passed
Put her in a bikini so tiny and teeny
After she upchucks a plate of tortellini
The magazine told her that she’s not worth it
Unless she makes a thousand dollar makeup purchase
The media likes to play with her battered brain
Her Stockholm Syndrome is for you to maintain
PRE-CHORUS 1
It feels good to have a story
That nobody is ignoring
To have the scars tell your tale
Of how you’ll never fail
You got a lucky charm, my guy
And it always seems like…
CHORUS
Everybody’s got one except me
Everybody’s got one except me
Too lazy for basic empathy
Everybody’s got one except me
VERSE 2
You also got a job that pays by the millions
And your own fan base by the fucking billions
And a car that zooms down the autobahn
There’s no way your image isn’t more than a con
PRE-CHORUS 2
It feels good to live in comfort
Feels good to not be encumbered
To have your riches tell your legacy
Of how you haven’t a single enemy
You got a golden horseshoe, my dude
And this is my attitude…
CHORUS
Everybody’s got one except me
Everybody’s got one except me
Too lazy for basic empathy
Everybody’s got one except me
BRIDGE
They call you an influencer
With a case of affluenza
They call you a celebrity
The world’s methamphetamine
They call you a politician
Wall Street’s financial nutrition
They call you God, because why fucking not?
An undefeated streak is all you were taught
EXTENDED CHORUS
Everybody’s got one except me
Everybody’s got one except me
Too lazy for basic empathy
Everybody’s got one except me
Everybody’s jealous except you
Everybody’s jealous except you
Everything you say is true
Everybody’s jealous except you
Is she a piece of eye candy or a piece of ass?
The summer solstice has not yet passed
Put her in a bikini so tiny and teeny
After she upchucks a plate of tortellini
The magazine told her that she’s not worth it
Unless she makes a thousand dollar makeup purchase
The media likes to play with her battered brain
Her Stockholm Syndrome is for you to maintain
PRE-CHORUS 1
It feels good to have a story
That nobody is ignoring
To have the scars tell your tale
Of how you’ll never fail
You got a lucky charm, my guy
And it always seems like…
CHORUS
Everybody’s got one except me
Everybody’s got one except me
Too lazy for basic empathy
Everybody’s got one except me
VERSE 2
You also got a job that pays by the millions
And your own fan base by the fucking billions
And a car that zooms down the autobahn
There’s no way your image isn’t more than a con
PRE-CHORUS 2
It feels good to live in comfort
Feels good to not be encumbered
To have your riches tell your legacy
Of how you haven’t a single enemy
You got a golden horseshoe, my dude
And this is my attitude…
CHORUS
Everybody’s got one except me
Everybody’s got one except me
Too lazy for basic empathy
Everybody’s got one except me
BRIDGE
They call you an influencer
With a case of affluenza
They call you a celebrity
The world’s methamphetamine
They call you a politician
Wall Street’s financial nutrition
They call you God, because why fucking not?
An undefeated streak is all you were taught
EXTENDED CHORUS
Everybody’s got one except me
Everybody’s got one except me
Too lazy for basic empathy
Everybody’s got one except me
Everybody’s jealous except you
Everybody’s jealous except you
Everything you say is true
Everybody’s jealous except you
June 13, 2022
Problematic Authors
(sigh)…I need some advice from internet land. What I don’t need is to be called a “woke snowflake” and anybody who says something to that effect will be permanently booted from my immediate vicinity. I have two whole bookcases full of unread books and some of those books were written by authors of…questionable character. Do I read those books anyways? Do I mercilessly roast the authors who wrote them when I do my online reviews? Do I sell the books online or donate them to either a library or a thrift store? In case you’re wondering which books I’m talking about, here’s a brief list of what I’ve got:
1. “Al Franken: Giant of the Senate” by Al Franken
2. “Bobby Kennedy” by Chris Matthews
3. “Book of Guys, The” by Garrison Keillor
4. “Cuckoo’s Calling” by Robert Galbraith
5. “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them” by JK Rowling
6. “God Delusion, The” by Richard Dawkins
7. “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child” by JK Rowling
8. “House of Dragons” by Jessica Cluess
9. “Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot” by Al Franken
Now…you’ll notice right away that conspicuous by their absences are Frank Miller and CJ Box. You could call that hypocrisy on my part. You could say that I don’t have a consistent gage for what I consider to be toxic behavior. Or you could say that you know you done fucked up as an author when you’re considered more toxic than Frank Miller and CJ Box. As far as I know, CJ Box hasn’t tried to grope women in public. Frank Miller seems remorseful over some of his bad comics, as opposed to covering his own ass like Jessica Cluess. What do you guys make of all this? And remember: be respectful in the comments section. I know this isn’t everyone’s favorite topic, so if you don’t have anything cool to say, then skip over this post.
1. “Al Franken: Giant of the Senate” by Al Franken
2. “Bobby Kennedy” by Chris Matthews
3. “Book of Guys, The” by Garrison Keillor
4. “Cuckoo’s Calling” by Robert Galbraith
5. “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them” by JK Rowling
6. “God Delusion, The” by Richard Dawkins
7. “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child” by JK Rowling
8. “House of Dragons” by Jessica Cluess
9. “Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot” by Al Franken
Now…you’ll notice right away that conspicuous by their absences are Frank Miller and CJ Box. You could call that hypocrisy on my part. You could say that I don’t have a consistent gage for what I consider to be toxic behavior. Or you could say that you know you done fucked up as an author when you’re considered more toxic than Frank Miller and CJ Box. As far as I know, CJ Box hasn’t tried to grope women in public. Frank Miller seems remorseful over some of his bad comics, as opposed to covering his own ass like Jessica Cluess. What do you guys make of all this? And remember: be respectful in the comments section. I know this isn’t everyone’s favorite topic, so if you don’t have anything cool to say, then skip over this post.
