Garrison Kelly's Blog, page 17
April 16, 2022
Asking Too Much
Am I asking too much when I tell you to stop?
Did I break any laws, Mr. Keystone Cop?
I refuse to be someone’s damsel in distress
I shouldn’t have my freedoms be put to the test
Am I asking too much when I say back off?
I hate your stupid jokes, does that mean I’m soft?
I refuse to take abuse from my inner circle
I shouldn’t have bruises of black and purple
Am I asking too much just to live my life?
Do I need permission from a nonexistent wife?
I refuse to dignify your insults with a response
I shouldn’t have to justify my needs and wants
Am I asking too much to flee the country?
Can I do it with my own hard-earned money?
I refuse to let you take control of my cash
I shouldn’t have to watch it burn into ash
Am I asking too much to forget the pain?
The kind that feels like getting hit by a train?
I refuse to let the past put me in the grave
I shouldn’t have to be my own traumatic slave
Am I asking too much? No, I’m clearly not
I’m undoing all the damage of shitty lessons taught
I refuse to carry on without breaking the cycle
I shouldn’t bear the burden of a bastard psycho
I’m asking very little
No meeting in the middle
I’m a human fucking being
That’s all you should be seeing
Did I break any laws, Mr. Keystone Cop?
I refuse to be someone’s damsel in distress
I shouldn’t have my freedoms be put to the test
Am I asking too much when I say back off?
I hate your stupid jokes, does that mean I’m soft?
I refuse to take abuse from my inner circle
I shouldn’t have bruises of black and purple
Am I asking too much just to live my life?
Do I need permission from a nonexistent wife?
I refuse to dignify your insults with a response
I shouldn’t have to justify my needs and wants
Am I asking too much to flee the country?
Can I do it with my own hard-earned money?
I refuse to let you take control of my cash
I shouldn’t have to watch it burn into ash
Am I asking too much to forget the pain?
The kind that feels like getting hit by a train?
I refuse to let the past put me in the grave
I shouldn’t have to be my own traumatic slave
Am I asking too much? No, I’m clearly not
I’m undoing all the damage of shitty lessons taught
I refuse to carry on without breaking the cycle
I shouldn’t bear the burden of a bastard psycho
I’m asking very little
No meeting in the middle
I’m a human fucking being
That’s all you should be seeing
April 10, 2022
The Whole World Is Watching
The whole world is watching whenever you’re botching
A million TV’s tune in
Whenever you shower, their dicks become towers
Tissues flushed into the sewage
Whenever you slide and you land on your hide
They laugh just like a demon
Whenever you stutter and melt into butter
The power dynamic is uneven
When you ask her out and you’re crippled by doubt
The comedy starts to punch down
When your ass gets fired for being too tired
You become their favorite punk clown
When you leave the bar and then you crash your car
The comedy turns into tragedy
When you rot in jail from your epic fail
It’s time to end the pageantry
When you take your last breath and teeter on death
The shock pads wake you up
When they set you free for the world to see
They grab their popcorn and soda cup
When you leave them hanging, their big heads are banging
Against a fucking brick wall
When you’re born for laughs and government graphs
You don’t have permission to bawl
When you’re born this way, at the end of the day
It was God who made the mistake
When death’s a solution in this institution
It’s your only shot at a coffee break
The whole world is watching whenever you’re dodging
The spotlight in the sky
The whole world hates you, they always debate you
Brain tells you to say goodbye
A million TV’s tune in
Whenever you shower, their dicks become towers
Tissues flushed into the sewage
Whenever you slide and you land on your hide
They laugh just like a demon
Whenever you stutter and melt into butter
The power dynamic is uneven
When you ask her out and you’re crippled by doubt
The comedy starts to punch down
When your ass gets fired for being too tired
You become their favorite punk clown
When you leave the bar and then you crash your car
The comedy turns into tragedy
When you rot in jail from your epic fail
It’s time to end the pageantry
When you take your last breath and teeter on death
The shock pads wake you up
When they set you free for the world to see
They grab their popcorn and soda cup
When you leave them hanging, their big heads are banging
Against a fucking brick wall
When you’re born for laughs and government graphs
You don’t have permission to bawl
When you’re born this way, at the end of the day
It was God who made the mistake
When death’s a solution in this institution
It’s your only shot at a coffee break
The whole world is watching whenever you’re dodging
The spotlight in the sky
The whole world hates you, they always debate you
Brain tells you to say goodbye
April 9, 2022
Make It Stop
It seemed like the world’s cruelest April Fools joke to live every day in a place like Meat Grinder City…except April Fools wasn’t just limited to one day of the year. At least the flames around the buildings and streets weren’t as tall as they once were. At least the sausage puppets walked normally down the sidewalks instead of jiggling around like lynched corpses.
When their cyclopean eyes popping out of their mouths gazed harshly into Joel Upton’s soul, the sensation was only mildly chilling across his already sour stomach. He pulled the hood up on his thick rain jacket and tried not to draw too much attention to himself. Then again, he was already under this unforgiving city’s microscope as someone with no permanent residence outside of a garbage dumpster here and there. The smell wouldn’t come off no matter how hard it rained.
It wasn’t the sausage puppets walking past him that set Joel Upton’s brain on fire. It wasn’t the smaller-by-comparison fires that jolted his brain like a paper clip in a light socket. It was that laugh. That deep, throaty, horny laugh from behind that caused his heart to pump intolerably fast. The only breaths Joel could muster reeked of dumpster residue and rancid ashes. He slowly turned around and his worst tormenter towered over him as though Joel was dog shit underneath somebody’s shoe.
He almost snapped his own neck in half just to gaze upwards into the heartless eyes of Chainsaw Fist, a bulky, piss-stinking ogre with a metal jaw, an apron covered in blood, a necklace pieced together with skulls and intestines, and of course, a chainsaw/drill combination that just had to constantly be on fire in order to solidify the overkill of Meat Grinder City.
“Make it stop,” Joel whimpered. “Somebody please make it stop…”
Chainsaw Fist bellowed so hard that his garbage breath almost bowled his victim over. “Nobody’s going to make it stop, you weak little piss stain! Your writing career was a joke from the start! Nobody loves you, not even your own family! Why don’t you just quit like a little bitch!” He revved his flaming chainsaw. “I will make you tap out one way or another, you slimy sack of whale shit!”
Joel didn’t even have time to react before Chainsaw Fist tackled him to the ground and drilled his weapon into his victim’s gut, releasing a tidal wave of blood and spiritual energy. The sausage puppets drank the vile fluids like dogs lapping up garden hose water. The volcano of blood just wouldn’t stop. It kept exploding and destroying everything in its path. The spirits flying out of that festering wound laughed at Joel the entire time. And then…
“You’re weird,” said a little girl holding onto her father’s hand. The father mildly reprimanded her before the two of them left a writhing and screaming Joel to his devices. And just like that, Meat Grinder City was Seattle. Ordinary, urban Seattle with rainy weather, urban sprawl, and non-sausage puppet citizens wondering what the hell was wrong with Joel.
Having snapped back to reality, Joel rolled over onto his knees and frantically searched his raincoat, pulling a broken needle out of his breast pocket. “No…no, no, no…” he whined to himself. “I need more…where is that goddamn pharmacy?” He searched his coat again, this time for money, but all he could muster up were a few pennies and some broken lug nuts. “Make it stop…just someone please make it stop…”
The rain came down so hard upon Joel’s back that he flinched in pain. And there was his answer: they weren’t rain drops. They were scorpion tails. “Not again.” Scorpion tails continued to pound and stab him before he was thrust right back into Meat Grinder City, the flames around the buildings bursting sky high while the cutest of cute kids jiggled around like the sausage puppets they really were.
A familiar beefy hand pulled back Joel’s hood and slashed his skull open, laughing like a demonic pervert yet again. Once his brain was exposed for the whole world to see, the scorpion tails morphed into little gray kobolds with blade-like fingernails and childish cackles. They laughed and hee-hawed as they jumped into Joel’s head wound and started bouncing around behind his face. The headache was so intense that he covered his eyes out of fear of them popping out. They did anyways, but not without snake tentacles holding them in their mouths.
“Give up your career, you waste of shit and piss!” Chainsaw Fist roared. “This world hates you! Hell doesn’t want you! Heaven is disgusted by you! You’re a fuck-up of the very worst kind! You deserve to die like the pile of diarrhea that you are!”
“STOP IT! LEAVE ME ALONE! MAKE IT STOP!” Joel screeched, holding his aching head while the snakes and kobolds partied in his brain.
“You want to quit, you little bastard! Do you want to quit! Then quit like the little bitch baby you are! Tap out!”
The kobolds, sausage puppets, snakes, and Chainsaw Fist himself formed a circle around Joel and chanted for him to quit. The flames of Meat Grinder City grew to their maximum limit and caused Joel to suffocate on the ashes. Chainsaw Fist continued to slash and murder his lone victim. The kobolds made incoherent jokes about his suffering and laughed like hyenas on crack.
“…I quit…”
“I’m sorry, what was that? What did you say, you little cum guzzler?!”
“I QUIT! I QUIT, I QUIT, I QUIT!”
Joel’s broken body could finally relax even though he ached literally everywhere, even in places outside of his flesh suit.
“Wow…you really are pathetic, Joel. You really are the weakest bastard I’ve ever met. Let’s go, quitter!” Chainsaw Fist wrapped his intestinal necklace around Joel’s throat and dragged his exhaustively bloody body across the ashen cement. He was too destroyed to care. He had lived in Meat Grinder City for far too long. There were several moments during his homelessness where he could have quit. He wanted to believe there was still life left in him. But if there was, he’d put up at least a little bit of a struggle against his worst critic.
“You can’t quit mental illness, Mr. Upton,” said a throaty, yet gentle voice that belonged to a hairy demon with spikes all over his body. The room Joel found himself in was still covered in flames. But these were warm flames that glowed like an outdoor campfire. They hurt like hell. They burned down the last of his brain cells. But even in Meat Grinder City’s loneliest prison cell, Joel knew he could relax.
Then again, he had no choice since he was chained to a wooden table. He also had his head shaved and a metal helmet strapped to his naked scalp. The furry demon used his talon to jot down a few notes in his wizard’s spell book. “You probably don’t believe me right now, but this is the safest place you can be. The streets should be nobody’s home.”
Entering the prison cell were three porcelain mannequins, all of which had snakes growing out of their heads. One of them had muscles etched into his torso, another had the feminine features of a Greek goddess, and the third was a child no taller than an average human’s waist. The woman’s sweet voice struck a familiar chord with Joel. “Everything will be okay, honey. We still love you.”
Tears welled up in Joel’s already bloodshot and battered eyes. “Wendy? Is that you?” The face of the woman he fell in love with all those years ago formed behind her gorgon façade. And then the face of his daughter broke free from porcelain permanence. But who was this strange man who accompanied them?
Wendy held Joel’s hand while the snakes in her hair smiled at him. “You’ve been gone for so long ever since you had your breakdown. We never forgot about you. Yes, I have remarried, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore. I was so worried about you. Our daughter had nightmares.” The snakes wrapped around Joel for a hug. And then the daughter’s snakes wrapped around his legs. And the new husband’s snakes gave him the warmest grins.
“Wendy…I’m so sorry I didn’t seek help earlier. I didn’t want to quit what I poured my heart into for so long. I was so obsessed that it drove me insane…All I had to do was quit…”
“You don’t have to be strong anymore,” said Wendy with tears in her own eyes. “It’s okay to quit when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Nobody’s ashamed of you.”
“But what about those jerks on the street who laughed at me?” asked Joel through a stuffy nose.
“Fuck ‘em” said the new husband, which earned a round of laughter from everybody in the room.
Wendy and the daughter broke their embraces. The gorgon mother of his child said, “We’ll visit you for as long as we need to. If you need anything, we’re always a skip and a hop away.” She kissed her palm and waved goodbye, the daughter waving as well while the husband gave a thumbs up.
Joel’s tears accumulated as he watched his old family walk away, leaving the hair-covered demon doctor to do his duty. He pulled a snake fang out of his fur and attached it to a miniature spinning chainsaw. “You desperately need a vacation from your mind, Mr. Upton. And when you awaken, we can try some cognitive behavioral therapy. But for now…relax…and enjoy the darkness…”
Joel didn’t even try to fight the injection into his arm despite the fact that the needle resembled Chainsaw Fist’s favorite toy. Fire and poison flowed through his body, but they were just formalities to a much-needed vacation from a schizophrenic mind. He switched between Meat Grinder City and the psychiatric ward of the Seattle hospital while simultaneously drifting off into sleep. The furry monster became a friendly old man before morphing back into his nightmarish form.
Back…and forth…back…and forth…the transformations resembled the motion of a baby in his mother’s arms…back…and forth…back…and forth…until darkness and snoring were all that remained of Meat Grinder City. Joel’s snoring did sound like a revving chainsaw, but that nasty ogre was nowhere to be found in such a black void of relaxation. No dreams. No hallucinations. Just hours of nothing. Getting lost in the nothing was a better vacation than Hawaiian beaches or Canadian architecture, both of which would have burst into flames anyways.
When their cyclopean eyes popping out of their mouths gazed harshly into Joel Upton’s soul, the sensation was only mildly chilling across his already sour stomach. He pulled the hood up on his thick rain jacket and tried not to draw too much attention to himself. Then again, he was already under this unforgiving city’s microscope as someone with no permanent residence outside of a garbage dumpster here and there. The smell wouldn’t come off no matter how hard it rained.
It wasn’t the sausage puppets walking past him that set Joel Upton’s brain on fire. It wasn’t the smaller-by-comparison fires that jolted his brain like a paper clip in a light socket. It was that laugh. That deep, throaty, horny laugh from behind that caused his heart to pump intolerably fast. The only breaths Joel could muster reeked of dumpster residue and rancid ashes. He slowly turned around and his worst tormenter towered over him as though Joel was dog shit underneath somebody’s shoe.
He almost snapped his own neck in half just to gaze upwards into the heartless eyes of Chainsaw Fist, a bulky, piss-stinking ogre with a metal jaw, an apron covered in blood, a necklace pieced together with skulls and intestines, and of course, a chainsaw/drill combination that just had to constantly be on fire in order to solidify the overkill of Meat Grinder City.
“Make it stop,” Joel whimpered. “Somebody please make it stop…”
Chainsaw Fist bellowed so hard that his garbage breath almost bowled his victim over. “Nobody’s going to make it stop, you weak little piss stain! Your writing career was a joke from the start! Nobody loves you, not even your own family! Why don’t you just quit like a little bitch!” He revved his flaming chainsaw. “I will make you tap out one way or another, you slimy sack of whale shit!”
Joel didn’t even have time to react before Chainsaw Fist tackled him to the ground and drilled his weapon into his victim’s gut, releasing a tidal wave of blood and spiritual energy. The sausage puppets drank the vile fluids like dogs lapping up garden hose water. The volcano of blood just wouldn’t stop. It kept exploding and destroying everything in its path. The spirits flying out of that festering wound laughed at Joel the entire time. And then…
“You’re weird,” said a little girl holding onto her father’s hand. The father mildly reprimanded her before the two of them left a writhing and screaming Joel to his devices. And just like that, Meat Grinder City was Seattle. Ordinary, urban Seattle with rainy weather, urban sprawl, and non-sausage puppet citizens wondering what the hell was wrong with Joel.
Having snapped back to reality, Joel rolled over onto his knees and frantically searched his raincoat, pulling a broken needle out of his breast pocket. “No…no, no, no…” he whined to himself. “I need more…where is that goddamn pharmacy?” He searched his coat again, this time for money, but all he could muster up were a few pennies and some broken lug nuts. “Make it stop…just someone please make it stop…”
The rain came down so hard upon Joel’s back that he flinched in pain. And there was his answer: they weren’t rain drops. They were scorpion tails. “Not again.” Scorpion tails continued to pound and stab him before he was thrust right back into Meat Grinder City, the flames around the buildings bursting sky high while the cutest of cute kids jiggled around like the sausage puppets they really were.
A familiar beefy hand pulled back Joel’s hood and slashed his skull open, laughing like a demonic pervert yet again. Once his brain was exposed for the whole world to see, the scorpion tails morphed into little gray kobolds with blade-like fingernails and childish cackles. They laughed and hee-hawed as they jumped into Joel’s head wound and started bouncing around behind his face. The headache was so intense that he covered his eyes out of fear of them popping out. They did anyways, but not without snake tentacles holding them in their mouths.
“Give up your career, you waste of shit and piss!” Chainsaw Fist roared. “This world hates you! Hell doesn’t want you! Heaven is disgusted by you! You’re a fuck-up of the very worst kind! You deserve to die like the pile of diarrhea that you are!”
“STOP IT! LEAVE ME ALONE! MAKE IT STOP!” Joel screeched, holding his aching head while the snakes and kobolds partied in his brain.
“You want to quit, you little bastard! Do you want to quit! Then quit like the little bitch baby you are! Tap out!”
The kobolds, sausage puppets, snakes, and Chainsaw Fist himself formed a circle around Joel and chanted for him to quit. The flames of Meat Grinder City grew to their maximum limit and caused Joel to suffocate on the ashes. Chainsaw Fist continued to slash and murder his lone victim. The kobolds made incoherent jokes about his suffering and laughed like hyenas on crack.
“…I quit…”
“I’m sorry, what was that? What did you say, you little cum guzzler?!”
“I QUIT! I QUIT, I QUIT, I QUIT!”
Joel’s broken body could finally relax even though he ached literally everywhere, even in places outside of his flesh suit.
“Wow…you really are pathetic, Joel. You really are the weakest bastard I’ve ever met. Let’s go, quitter!” Chainsaw Fist wrapped his intestinal necklace around Joel’s throat and dragged his exhaustively bloody body across the ashen cement. He was too destroyed to care. He had lived in Meat Grinder City for far too long. There were several moments during his homelessness where he could have quit. He wanted to believe there was still life left in him. But if there was, he’d put up at least a little bit of a struggle against his worst critic.
“You can’t quit mental illness, Mr. Upton,” said a throaty, yet gentle voice that belonged to a hairy demon with spikes all over his body. The room Joel found himself in was still covered in flames. But these were warm flames that glowed like an outdoor campfire. They hurt like hell. They burned down the last of his brain cells. But even in Meat Grinder City’s loneliest prison cell, Joel knew he could relax.
Then again, he had no choice since he was chained to a wooden table. He also had his head shaved and a metal helmet strapped to his naked scalp. The furry demon used his talon to jot down a few notes in his wizard’s spell book. “You probably don’t believe me right now, but this is the safest place you can be. The streets should be nobody’s home.”
Entering the prison cell were three porcelain mannequins, all of which had snakes growing out of their heads. One of them had muscles etched into his torso, another had the feminine features of a Greek goddess, and the third was a child no taller than an average human’s waist. The woman’s sweet voice struck a familiar chord with Joel. “Everything will be okay, honey. We still love you.”
Tears welled up in Joel’s already bloodshot and battered eyes. “Wendy? Is that you?” The face of the woman he fell in love with all those years ago formed behind her gorgon façade. And then the face of his daughter broke free from porcelain permanence. But who was this strange man who accompanied them?
Wendy held Joel’s hand while the snakes in her hair smiled at him. “You’ve been gone for so long ever since you had your breakdown. We never forgot about you. Yes, I have remarried, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore. I was so worried about you. Our daughter had nightmares.” The snakes wrapped around Joel for a hug. And then the daughter’s snakes wrapped around his legs. And the new husband’s snakes gave him the warmest grins.
“Wendy…I’m so sorry I didn’t seek help earlier. I didn’t want to quit what I poured my heart into for so long. I was so obsessed that it drove me insane…All I had to do was quit…”
“You don’t have to be strong anymore,” said Wendy with tears in her own eyes. “It’s okay to quit when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Nobody’s ashamed of you.”
“But what about those jerks on the street who laughed at me?” asked Joel through a stuffy nose.
“Fuck ‘em” said the new husband, which earned a round of laughter from everybody in the room.
Wendy and the daughter broke their embraces. The gorgon mother of his child said, “We’ll visit you for as long as we need to. If you need anything, we’re always a skip and a hop away.” She kissed her palm and waved goodbye, the daughter waving as well while the husband gave a thumbs up.
Joel’s tears accumulated as he watched his old family walk away, leaving the hair-covered demon doctor to do his duty. He pulled a snake fang out of his fur and attached it to a miniature spinning chainsaw. “You desperately need a vacation from your mind, Mr. Upton. And when you awaken, we can try some cognitive behavioral therapy. But for now…relax…and enjoy the darkness…”
Joel didn’t even try to fight the injection into his arm despite the fact that the needle resembled Chainsaw Fist’s favorite toy. Fire and poison flowed through his body, but they were just formalities to a much-needed vacation from a schizophrenic mind. He switched between Meat Grinder City and the psychiatric ward of the Seattle hospital while simultaneously drifting off into sleep. The furry monster became a friendly old man before morphing back into his nightmarish form.
Back…and forth…back…and forth…the transformations resembled the motion of a baby in his mother’s arms…back…and forth…back…and forth…until darkness and snoring were all that remained of Meat Grinder City. Joel’s snoring did sound like a revving chainsaw, but that nasty ogre was nowhere to be found in such a black void of relaxation. No dreams. No hallucinations. Just hours of nothing. Getting lost in the nothing was a better vacation than Hawaiian beaches or Canadian architecture, both of which would have burst into flames anyways.
April 3, 2022
Lars Stonewall
=========================================
THE BASICS
=========================================
Name: Lars Stonewall
Nicknames: King, Big Man, Fire-Breathing Giant
Gender: Cisgender Male
Age: 50
Birth Date: 450 PM
Birth Place: Wargun City
Currently Living In: Honey Valley
Species: Human
Ethnicity / Race: White
Citizenship: Wargun City and Honey Valley
Religion / Beliefs: Left-Wing Atheist
=========================================
FAMILY
=========================================
Father: Hagar Stonewall
Age: Dead
Relationship: Respect
Mother: Bernadette Stonewall
Age: Dead
Relationship: Nurturing
Spouse: Gwendolyn Stonewall
Age: 40
Relationship: Separated
=========================================
PHYSICAL FEATURES:
=========================================
Height: 7’0”
Weight: 350 lbs.
Frame / Build: Gigantic and Muscular
Hair length: Long
Hair color: Black
Eye shape: Large
Eye color: Brown
Complexion: Grizzled
Face size (broad, narrow, etc.): Sinewy
Voice type: Deep
Foot size: 24 Men’s
Tattoo(s): Sun On His Back
Scar(s): Gashes across his chest and legs
Other notable accessories: Heavy spiked metal armor and a crown
Any other identifying mark(s): Beard
=========================================
SOCIO / ECONOMIC / POLITICAL
=========================================
Political Affiliation: Leftwing
Economic Class: Rich
Social Class (nobility, artisan, merchant, commoner, etc.): King
Occupation: King
Income: Business Taxes
Residence: Honey Valley
Transportation: Castle Tank
=========================================
INTERESTS
=========================================
Favorite Food(s): Turkey Legs
Favorite Sport(s): Jousting
Favorite Book(s): Historical Fiction
Favorite Show(s): TV hasn’t been invented yet
Favorite Music: War Drums
Favorite Color(s): Gold and Gray
Clothing Style / Preferences: Armor
Hobbies: Chess, Blacksmithing, and Weightlifting
Role Model(s): His parents and Llewellyn Xavier
Likes: Good Food in Large Portions
Dislikes: Alcohol
=========================================
PERSONALITY
=========================================
Good Qualities / Trait(s): Kind, Loyal, and Charismatic
Vices / Negative Trait(s): Workaholic, Easy Anger, and Perfectionism
Strengths: Leadership and Combat Skills
Weaknesses: Self-Sacrifice and Overconfidence
Habits / Idiosyncrasies / Quirks: Cracking Bones
Phobia / Fears: Heights, Failure, and Looking Weak
Loves: Respect and Loyalty
Hates: Bigotry and Dictatorships
Select one personality type below that best describes your character:
PROTECTORS
[X] Overseer (ESTJ) – Thrives on facts and details. Has a clear set of standards and beliefs. They are hardworking, responsible, and self-confident. They rely on experiences rather than speculation, and make decisions based on these. Very good at enforcing laws and rules. Loyal and hard-working. Like to be in charge. Very organized, tends to be a stickler for the rules.
Define your character’s personality based on the following aspects:
a. Physically (outward interaction with his environment, personal strengths): Commands respect through his size and voice
b. Psychologically (intellect, mental stability, morality): Wise and Composed
c. Spiritually (his faith, convictions): Doesn’t follow religion
d. Emotionally (willpower, under stressful situations, expressiveness): Strong and hardened
e. Socially (how others view him, how he interacts with people): Respected by his people, hated by dictators
Others things to know:
=========================================
HISTORY
=========================================
1. Describe the character’s childhood. He was groomed to be a leader by his royal parents and he excelled in the physical aspects. The mental and emotional aspects were learned through his parents refusing to spoil him and making him work for everything he had. He learned to push through his tiredness and gets his work ethic through that.
2. Name the good incidents that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? He played football as a kid and enjoyed every minute of it. He was so good that he eventually became captain of his team. This was part of his grooming to become a leader.
3. Name bad experiences that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? He was bullied a lot for his size and whenever he chased his attackers, he would gas out and they would get away unscathed. This is why he’s easily angered and has workaholic tendencies when it comes to physical exercise.
4. What is the character doing when first introduced? What are his goals at this point? He’s buying the services of Shadow Asylum so that they can help him defeat the Atwood Queendom and free her slaves. The reason he has a soldier shortage is because they’re randomly disappearing just like the elves in Windham and Llewellyn’s village.
4a. Do these goals change at any point in the story? He prioritizes defeating Shelly Atwood over striking a trade deal with Llewellyn even though both are equally important. The goals remain the same throughout the story.
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STORY DEVELOPMENT:
=========================================
CHARACTER ARCHETYPE: (Put an X on all applicable boxes)
[] Addict (Conspicuous Consumer, Glutton, Workaholic–see also Gambler)
[] Advocate (Attorney, Defender, Legislator, Lobbyist, Environmentalist)
[] Alchemist (Wizard, Magician, Scientist, Inventor–see also Visionary)
[] Angel (Fairy Godmother/Godfather)
[] Antagonist (Opposing View, not necessarily the Evil Bad — see also Villain)
[] Anti-Hero
[] Artist (Artisan, Craftsperson, Sculptor, Weaver)
[X] Athlete (Olympian)
[] Avenger (Avenging Angel, Savior, Messiah)
[] Beggar (Homeless person/ Indigent)
[] Bully (Coward)
[] Catalyst
[] Child (Orphan, Wounded, Magical/Innocent, Nature, Divine, Puer/Puella Eternis, or Eternal Boy/Girl)
[] Clown (Court Jester, Fool, Dummling)
[] Companion (Friend, Sidekick, Right Arm, Consort)
[] Damsel (Princess)
[] Destroyer (Attila, Mad Scientist, Serial Killer, Spoiler)
[] Detective (Spy, Double Agent, Sleuth, Snoop, Sherlock Holmes, Private Investigator, Profiler–see also Warrior/Crime Fighter)
[] Dilettante (Amateur)
[] Don Juan (Casanova, Gigolo, Seducer, Sex Addict)
[] Engineer (Architect, Builder, Schemer)
[] Exorcist (Shaman)
[] Father (Patriarch, Progenitor)
[] Femme Fatale (Black Widow, Flirt, Siren, Circe, Seductress, Enchantress)
[] Gambler
[] God (Adonis, see also Hero)
[] Gossip (see also Networker)
[] Guide (Guru, Sage, Crone, Wise Woman, Spiritual Master, Evangelist, Preacher)
[] Healer (Wounded Healer, Intuitive Healer, Caregiver, Nurse, Therapist, Analyst, Counselor)
[] Hedonist (Bon Vivant, Chef, Gourmet, Gourmand, Sybarite–see also Mystic)
[] Hermit (see also Wise old Man)
[X] Hero/Heroine (see also Knight, Warrior)
[] Judge (Critic, Examiner, Mediator, Arbitrator)
[X] King (Emperor, Ruler, Leader, Chief — see also Politician)
[X] Knight in Shining Armor
[X] Liberator
[] Lover
[] Martyr
[] Mediator (Ambassador, Diplomat, Go-Between)
[] Mentor (Master, Counselor, Tutor)
[] Messiah (Redeemer, Savior)
[] Midas/Miser
[] Monk/Nun (Celibate)
[] Mother (Matriarch, Mother Nature)
[] Mystic (Renunciate, Anchorite, Hermit)
[] Networker (Messenger, Herald, Courier, Journalist, Communicator)
[] Pioneer (Explorer, Settler, Pilgrim, Innovator)
[] Poet
[X] Politician (see also King)
[] Priest (Priestess, Minister, Rabbi, Evangelist)
[] Prince
[] Prostitute
[] Queen (Empress)
[] Rebel (Anarchist, Revolutionary, Political Protester, Nonconformist, Pirate)
[X] Rescuer
[] Saboteur
[] Samaritan
[] Scribe (Copyist, Secretary, Accountant–see also Journalist)
[] Seeker (Wanderer, Vagabond, Nomad)
[] Servant (Indentured Servant)
[] Shape-shifter (Spell-caster–see also Trickster)
[] Slave
[] Spectre (Ghost / Apparition with Unresolved issues)
[] Storyteller (Minstrel, Narrator)
[] Student / Scholar (Disciple, Devotee, Follower, Apprentice)
[] Teacher (Instructor, see also Mentor)
[] Thief (Swindler, Con Artist, Pickpocket, Burglar, Robin Hood)
[] Threshold Guardian
[] Trickster (Puck, Provocateur)
[] Turncoat
[] Vampire
[] Victim
[] Villain / Shadow (Big Bad of the story; see also Antagonist)
[] Virgin (see also Celibate)
[] Visionary (Dreamer, Prophet, Seer–see also Guide, Alchemist)
[X] Warrior (Soldier, Crime Fighter, Amazon, Mercenary, Soldier of Fortune, Gunslinger, Samurai)
[] Wise old Man (see also Hermit)
1. What are the motivations for the character’s actions? Not only his duties as a king, but also his love for his wife, who was kidnapped by Shelly’s forces a long time ago as part of the slave-trading business.
2. What are the character’s goals / ambition / dreams? He wants to overthrow evil empires and gain the trust of the disenfranchised. He also wants to have children of his own, which he never got to do with his wife before she was abducted.
3. What external conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Overthrowing Shelly Atwood and freeing her slaves.
3a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Her forces are more powerful than his. Plus, she has the trust of her people due to her soft-power authority.
4. What inner conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Move on from his traumas and become a better leader by proxy.
4a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? He’s easily riled up and gets himself into trouble on the battlefield. He can only make rational decisions when he’s planning things out beforehand, hence his reputation as a good leader.
=========================================
AUTHOR’S NOTES / MISCELLANY
=========================================
Character theme song: “Between You and Nowhere” by Hellyeah
Celebrity / IRL lookalike: Kevin Nash
THE BASICS
=========================================
Name: Lars Stonewall
Nicknames: King, Big Man, Fire-Breathing Giant
Gender: Cisgender Male
Age: 50
Birth Date: 450 PM
Birth Place: Wargun City
Currently Living In: Honey Valley
Species: Human
Ethnicity / Race: White
Citizenship: Wargun City and Honey Valley
Religion / Beliefs: Left-Wing Atheist
=========================================
FAMILY
=========================================
Father: Hagar Stonewall
Age: Dead
Relationship: Respect
Mother: Bernadette Stonewall
Age: Dead
Relationship: Nurturing
Spouse: Gwendolyn Stonewall
Age: 40
Relationship: Separated
=========================================
PHYSICAL FEATURES:
=========================================
Height: 7’0”
Weight: 350 lbs.
Frame / Build: Gigantic and Muscular
Hair length: Long
Hair color: Black
Eye shape: Large
Eye color: Brown
Complexion: Grizzled
Face size (broad, narrow, etc.): Sinewy
Voice type: Deep
Foot size: 24 Men’s
Tattoo(s): Sun On His Back
Scar(s): Gashes across his chest and legs
Other notable accessories: Heavy spiked metal armor and a crown
Any other identifying mark(s): Beard
=========================================
SOCIO / ECONOMIC / POLITICAL
=========================================
Political Affiliation: Leftwing
Economic Class: Rich
Social Class (nobility, artisan, merchant, commoner, etc.): King
Occupation: King
Income: Business Taxes
Residence: Honey Valley
Transportation: Castle Tank
=========================================
INTERESTS
=========================================
Favorite Food(s): Turkey Legs
Favorite Sport(s): Jousting
Favorite Book(s): Historical Fiction
Favorite Show(s): TV hasn’t been invented yet
Favorite Music: War Drums
Favorite Color(s): Gold and Gray
Clothing Style / Preferences: Armor
Hobbies: Chess, Blacksmithing, and Weightlifting
Role Model(s): His parents and Llewellyn Xavier
Likes: Good Food in Large Portions
Dislikes: Alcohol
=========================================
PERSONALITY
=========================================
Good Qualities / Trait(s): Kind, Loyal, and Charismatic
Vices / Negative Trait(s): Workaholic, Easy Anger, and Perfectionism
Strengths: Leadership and Combat Skills
Weaknesses: Self-Sacrifice and Overconfidence
Habits / Idiosyncrasies / Quirks: Cracking Bones
Phobia / Fears: Heights, Failure, and Looking Weak
Loves: Respect and Loyalty
Hates: Bigotry and Dictatorships
Select one personality type below that best describes your character:
PROTECTORS
[X] Overseer (ESTJ) – Thrives on facts and details. Has a clear set of standards and beliefs. They are hardworking, responsible, and self-confident. They rely on experiences rather than speculation, and make decisions based on these. Very good at enforcing laws and rules. Loyal and hard-working. Like to be in charge. Very organized, tends to be a stickler for the rules.
Define your character’s personality based on the following aspects:
a. Physically (outward interaction with his environment, personal strengths): Commands respect through his size and voice
b. Psychologically (intellect, mental stability, morality): Wise and Composed
c. Spiritually (his faith, convictions): Doesn’t follow religion
d. Emotionally (willpower, under stressful situations, expressiveness): Strong and hardened
e. Socially (how others view him, how he interacts with people): Respected by his people, hated by dictators
Others things to know:
=========================================
HISTORY
=========================================
1. Describe the character’s childhood. He was groomed to be a leader by his royal parents and he excelled in the physical aspects. The mental and emotional aspects were learned through his parents refusing to spoil him and making him work for everything he had. He learned to push through his tiredness and gets his work ethic through that.
2. Name the good incidents that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? He played football as a kid and enjoyed every minute of it. He was so good that he eventually became captain of his team. This was part of his grooming to become a leader.
3. Name bad experiences that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? He was bullied a lot for his size and whenever he chased his attackers, he would gas out and they would get away unscathed. This is why he’s easily angered and has workaholic tendencies when it comes to physical exercise.
4. What is the character doing when first introduced? What are his goals at this point? He’s buying the services of Shadow Asylum so that they can help him defeat the Atwood Queendom and free her slaves. The reason he has a soldier shortage is because they’re randomly disappearing just like the elves in Windham and Llewellyn’s village.
4a. Do these goals change at any point in the story? He prioritizes defeating Shelly Atwood over striking a trade deal with Llewellyn even though both are equally important. The goals remain the same throughout the story.
=========================================
STORY DEVELOPMENT:
=========================================
CHARACTER ARCHETYPE: (Put an X on all applicable boxes)
[] Addict (Conspicuous Consumer, Glutton, Workaholic–see also Gambler)
[] Advocate (Attorney, Defender, Legislator, Lobbyist, Environmentalist)
[] Alchemist (Wizard, Magician, Scientist, Inventor–see also Visionary)
[] Angel (Fairy Godmother/Godfather)
[] Antagonist (Opposing View, not necessarily the Evil Bad — see also Villain)
[] Anti-Hero
[] Artist (Artisan, Craftsperson, Sculptor, Weaver)
[X] Athlete (Olympian)
[] Avenger (Avenging Angel, Savior, Messiah)
[] Beggar (Homeless person/ Indigent)
[] Bully (Coward)
[] Catalyst
[] Child (Orphan, Wounded, Magical/Innocent, Nature, Divine, Puer/Puella Eternis, or Eternal Boy/Girl)
[] Clown (Court Jester, Fool, Dummling)
[] Companion (Friend, Sidekick, Right Arm, Consort)
[] Damsel (Princess)
[] Destroyer (Attila, Mad Scientist, Serial Killer, Spoiler)
[] Detective (Spy, Double Agent, Sleuth, Snoop, Sherlock Holmes, Private Investigator, Profiler–see also Warrior/Crime Fighter)
[] Dilettante (Amateur)
[] Don Juan (Casanova, Gigolo, Seducer, Sex Addict)
[] Engineer (Architect, Builder, Schemer)
[] Exorcist (Shaman)
[] Father (Patriarch, Progenitor)
[] Femme Fatale (Black Widow, Flirt, Siren, Circe, Seductress, Enchantress)
[] Gambler
[] God (Adonis, see also Hero)
[] Gossip (see also Networker)
[] Guide (Guru, Sage, Crone, Wise Woman, Spiritual Master, Evangelist, Preacher)
[] Healer (Wounded Healer, Intuitive Healer, Caregiver, Nurse, Therapist, Analyst, Counselor)
[] Hedonist (Bon Vivant, Chef, Gourmet, Gourmand, Sybarite–see also Mystic)
[] Hermit (see also Wise old Man)
[X] Hero/Heroine (see also Knight, Warrior)
[] Judge (Critic, Examiner, Mediator, Arbitrator)
[X] King (Emperor, Ruler, Leader, Chief — see also Politician)
[X] Knight in Shining Armor
[X] Liberator
[] Lover
[] Martyr
[] Mediator (Ambassador, Diplomat, Go-Between)
[] Mentor (Master, Counselor, Tutor)
[] Messiah (Redeemer, Savior)
[] Midas/Miser
[] Monk/Nun (Celibate)
[] Mother (Matriarch, Mother Nature)
[] Mystic (Renunciate, Anchorite, Hermit)
[] Networker (Messenger, Herald, Courier, Journalist, Communicator)
[] Pioneer (Explorer, Settler, Pilgrim, Innovator)
[] Poet
[X] Politician (see also King)
[] Priest (Priestess, Minister, Rabbi, Evangelist)
[] Prince
[] Prostitute
[] Queen (Empress)
[] Rebel (Anarchist, Revolutionary, Political Protester, Nonconformist, Pirate)
[X] Rescuer
[] Saboteur
[] Samaritan
[] Scribe (Copyist, Secretary, Accountant–see also Journalist)
[] Seeker (Wanderer, Vagabond, Nomad)
[] Servant (Indentured Servant)
[] Shape-shifter (Spell-caster–see also Trickster)
[] Slave
[] Spectre (Ghost / Apparition with Unresolved issues)
[] Storyteller (Minstrel, Narrator)
[] Student / Scholar (Disciple, Devotee, Follower, Apprentice)
[] Teacher (Instructor, see also Mentor)
[] Thief (Swindler, Con Artist, Pickpocket, Burglar, Robin Hood)
[] Threshold Guardian
[] Trickster (Puck, Provocateur)
[] Turncoat
[] Vampire
[] Victim
[] Villain / Shadow (Big Bad of the story; see also Antagonist)
[] Virgin (see also Celibate)
[] Visionary (Dreamer, Prophet, Seer–see also Guide, Alchemist)
[X] Warrior (Soldier, Crime Fighter, Amazon, Mercenary, Soldier of Fortune, Gunslinger, Samurai)
[] Wise old Man (see also Hermit)
1. What are the motivations for the character’s actions? Not only his duties as a king, but also his love for his wife, who was kidnapped by Shelly’s forces a long time ago as part of the slave-trading business.
2. What are the character’s goals / ambition / dreams? He wants to overthrow evil empires and gain the trust of the disenfranchised. He also wants to have children of his own, which he never got to do with his wife before she was abducted.
3. What external conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Overthrowing Shelly Atwood and freeing her slaves.
3a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Her forces are more powerful than his. Plus, she has the trust of her people due to her soft-power authority.
4. What inner conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Move on from his traumas and become a better leader by proxy.
4a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? He’s easily riled up and gets himself into trouble on the battlefield. He can only make rational decisions when he’s planning things out beforehand, hence his reputation as a good leader.
=========================================
AUTHOR’S NOTES / MISCELLANY
=========================================
Character theme song: “Between You and Nowhere” by Hellyeah
Celebrity / IRL lookalike: Kevin Nash
April 2, 2022
Addiopizzo
VERSE 1
You sold us a world where we could be ourselves
You occupied several rows on the library shelves
But then April Fools became your golden rule
The marginalized became part of your death pool
You didn’t sell books, but you collected pizzo
Protection? You’re the only one who eats though
Built a castle out of corpses, sat on a throne of bones
But what do we know? We’re always on our phones
CHORUS
We’ll never pay your prices
You can feed your own vices
Addiopizzo!
Addiopizzo!
VERSE 2
You sold us combat between two superstars
Roads to your arenas jam packed with cars
Then the comedy writers turned the show to shit
But your bank account is still a number one hit
Making more money now than any other point
Smoke cigars made of pizzo, stink up the joint
Built an empire out of muscles and steroids
But what do we know? We’re not one of the boys
CHORUS
We’ll never pay your prices
You can feed your own vices
Addiopizzo!
Addiopizzo!
BRIDGE
You’re wearing a suit made out of pizzo
Crisp dollar bills from the tip jar, keep those
You’re wearing shoes made from human flesh
The worst of it all? The wounds are still fresh
CHORUS
We’ll never pay your prices
You can feed your own vices
Addiopizzo!
Addiopizzo!
VERSE 3
You sold us a product from an MLM boss babe
Got an army of recruits with empty promises made
But then they knock on your door asking for a check
There are more instructions in their DM texts
Keep buying the stash and supplying the pizzo
Ugly leggings, ripped boots, hole-covered speedos
It’s a cycle that continues for the rest of time
Nobody cares that collecting pizzo is a crime
Addiopizzo!
Addiopizzo!
You sold us a world where we could be ourselves
You occupied several rows on the library shelves
But then April Fools became your golden rule
The marginalized became part of your death pool
You didn’t sell books, but you collected pizzo
Protection? You’re the only one who eats though
Built a castle out of corpses, sat on a throne of bones
But what do we know? We’re always on our phones
CHORUS
We’ll never pay your prices
You can feed your own vices
Addiopizzo!
Addiopizzo!
VERSE 2
You sold us combat between two superstars
Roads to your arenas jam packed with cars
Then the comedy writers turned the show to shit
But your bank account is still a number one hit
Making more money now than any other point
Smoke cigars made of pizzo, stink up the joint
Built an empire out of muscles and steroids
But what do we know? We’re not one of the boys
CHORUS
We’ll never pay your prices
You can feed your own vices
Addiopizzo!
Addiopizzo!
BRIDGE
You’re wearing a suit made out of pizzo
Crisp dollar bills from the tip jar, keep those
You’re wearing shoes made from human flesh
The worst of it all? The wounds are still fresh
CHORUS
We’ll never pay your prices
You can feed your own vices
Addiopizzo!
Addiopizzo!
VERSE 3
You sold us a product from an MLM boss babe
Got an army of recruits with empty promises made
But then they knock on your door asking for a check
There are more instructions in their DM texts
Keep buying the stash and supplying the pizzo
Ugly leggings, ripped boots, hole-covered speedos
It’s a cycle that continues for the rest of time
Nobody cares that collecting pizzo is a crime
Addiopizzo!
Addiopizzo!
March 17, 2022
Celebrate Yourself
VERSE 1
You don’t have to win at March Madness
To earn the right to alleviate your sadness
If all you did was survive another year
Then celebrate yourself with cake and beer
You call yourself weak, but I see the opposite
You’re a badass and a half and alive on top of it
Your value isn’t measured by a teacher’s grade
Or whether or not the boss man gets paid
CHORUS 1
Celebrate yourself, because you’ve got this
Shine your beacon of light, don’t ever stop it
On those days when you’re feeling like hell
Celebrate yourself until you’re healthy and well
VERSE 2
Getting out of bed is worth a thousand Oscars
And a thousand tape gags for the smack-talkers
And a thousand tacos on your dinner plate
And a thousand burgers is what you ate
Getting dressed in your absolute best
Is a feat in itself, you more than passed the test
In a world where everything drains you away
Be thankful that you lived yet another day
CHORUS 1
Celebrate yourself, because you’ve got this
Shine your beacon of light, don’t ever stop it
On those days when you’re feeling like hell
Celebrate yourself until you’re healthy and well
BRIDGE
When racing to the top of the corporate ladder
Leaves you so empty that effort doesn’t matter
Remember that glory is always overrated
When it’s a line of work you definitely hated
What’s so great about grinding and dying
When it leaves you defeated and crying?
A boss man could never really understand
The pain of it all when his head’s in the sand
CHORUS 2
Celebrate yourself, you’re worth more than this
Your strengths belong on a never-ending list
On those days when you’re doubting it all
Celebrate yourself, stand a hundred feet tall
You don’t have to win at March Madness
To earn the right to alleviate your sadness
If all you did was survive another year
Then celebrate yourself with cake and beer
You call yourself weak, but I see the opposite
You’re a badass and a half and alive on top of it
Your value isn’t measured by a teacher’s grade
Or whether or not the boss man gets paid
CHORUS 1
Celebrate yourself, because you’ve got this
Shine your beacon of light, don’t ever stop it
On those days when you’re feeling like hell
Celebrate yourself until you’re healthy and well
VERSE 2
Getting out of bed is worth a thousand Oscars
And a thousand tape gags for the smack-talkers
And a thousand tacos on your dinner plate
And a thousand burgers is what you ate
Getting dressed in your absolute best
Is a feat in itself, you more than passed the test
In a world where everything drains you away
Be thankful that you lived yet another day
CHORUS 1
Celebrate yourself, because you’ve got this
Shine your beacon of light, don’t ever stop it
On those days when you’re feeling like hell
Celebrate yourself until you’re healthy and well
BRIDGE
When racing to the top of the corporate ladder
Leaves you so empty that effort doesn’t matter
Remember that glory is always overrated
When it’s a line of work you definitely hated
What’s so great about grinding and dying
When it leaves you defeated and crying?
A boss man could never really understand
The pain of it all when his head’s in the sand
CHORUS 2
Celebrate yourself, you’re worth more than this
Your strengths belong on a never-ending list
On those days when you’re doubting it all
Celebrate yourself, stand a hundred feet tall
March 6, 2022
Salty Cindy
Teaching history? You’re on the wrong side of it
You took your students’ lives, turned them into shit
Yelling and screaming until they hear you from Scotland
If you went further east, they’d launch nuclear rockets
Oral quizzes? You’ve got no fucking business
Put our anxiety on display for millions to witness
Calling us lazy when we worked our asses off
But we believed it like our brains were acid washed
Rushing us through like a military exercise
So that we’d be good drones in a capitalist enterprise
Don’t you know it takes more than a degree
To teach any class, let alone senior history?
Empathy and kindness should be prerequisites
Not a grumpy outlook and marine sentiments
If I wanted to fight a bunch of strangers overseas
I’d have actually said the words, “Sign me up, please!”
But I didn’t, because I’m not a cog in the machine
I have my own ambitions, my own goals to achieve
None of them include listening to your loud voice
The future is mine, I’m the one who makes the choice
Where do you belong? In the unemployment line
Although I wouldn’t even trust you to cook my fries
Wouldn’t trust you to take care of my kitties
Nor my puppies neither, you’d be just as shitty
I don’t even think your own family likes you
Face it, Salty Cindy, you have nothing left to do
You can go get fucked with a rifle’s bayonet
It’s a surefire bet, are there any takers yet?
Like a sex offender, you don’t belong near a school
You belong in a morgue where the bodies are cool
I know this all sounds just a little too extreme
But this is what I do when you fuck with my dreams
You took your students’ lives, turned them into shit
Yelling and screaming until they hear you from Scotland
If you went further east, they’d launch nuclear rockets
Oral quizzes? You’ve got no fucking business
Put our anxiety on display for millions to witness
Calling us lazy when we worked our asses off
But we believed it like our brains were acid washed
Rushing us through like a military exercise
So that we’d be good drones in a capitalist enterprise
Don’t you know it takes more than a degree
To teach any class, let alone senior history?
Empathy and kindness should be prerequisites
Not a grumpy outlook and marine sentiments
If I wanted to fight a bunch of strangers overseas
I’d have actually said the words, “Sign me up, please!”
But I didn’t, because I’m not a cog in the machine
I have my own ambitions, my own goals to achieve
None of them include listening to your loud voice
The future is mine, I’m the one who makes the choice
Where do you belong? In the unemployment line
Although I wouldn’t even trust you to cook my fries
Wouldn’t trust you to take care of my kitties
Nor my puppies neither, you’d be just as shitty
I don’t even think your own family likes you
Face it, Salty Cindy, you have nothing left to do
You can go get fucked with a rifle’s bayonet
It’s a surefire bet, are there any takers yet?
Like a sex offender, you don’t belong near a school
You belong in a morgue where the bodies are cool
I know this all sounds just a little too extreme
But this is what I do when you fuck with my dreams
March 5, 2022
Malik Pierce's Napoleon Complex
It could be the Impostor Syndrome shouting through a megaphone and shattering more glass than Stone Cold Steve Austin’s entrance music…but…if there was ever a time to lay daffodils on somebody’s grave, it would be the RPG career of Malik Pierce, a character who goofed up so many times that he became a clownish version of himself rather than a truly flawed character. But how could it be my head voices talking when I just described his character trajectory? Wouldn’t everyone be in agreement? Was the GM trying to cheer me up or did she really see potential in Malik? I sure didn’t. I wanted to toss his ass in the dumpster and set the motherfucker on fire. I wanted that fire to be seen from space, as a reminder to everyone to learn from the mistakes of others.
It was 2006 when Malik made his RPG debut. Because I was nostalgic for my high school days (NOT!), I decided to enter him into a school-themed RPG on an online forum. What kind of background did he have? What was he like? Well, for starters, he was a Filipino sophomore with the name Malik Pierce, which is obviously the most Filipino name I could come up with. He was teeny, tiny, and yet stood tall over his abusive father, for which Malik spent a hot minute in juvie. Okay, so we know he can fight. Now what? Let’s give him drawing skills and a love for A Tribe Called Quest, a rap band who was putting out music long before Malik was born. Hell, there was even a member of that band named Malik, but everyone called him Phife Dawg, may he rest in peace.
Malik was introduced to the game as being tentative around potential friends, most likely stemming from the physical abuse he suffered at home prior to his sophomore year. So instead of engaging directly with the student body, he put on his headphones and let Q-Tip, Phife Dawg, and Ali Shaheed Muhammad batter his eardrums with sick rhymes and jazzy beats. It was here that he caught the attention of a female teacher who was only a few years older than him. Did Malik have any sexual tension swirling in his brain? Maybe, but he didn’t let it show. This teacher encouraged him to make the friends he needed to, and to come to her for help if he needed it. Long story short, he did just that and made friends with the entire player-character cast of the game.
You probably saw that rushed intro and you’re thinking to yourself: “My, Garrison, aren’t you the biggest galaxy brain in the world! You’ve got show don’t tell down to a science! Why don’t you get that phrase tattooed on your balls?” To which I would respond that I spared you the details because that’s not where the juicy parts of this role-play take place. The introduction to Malik’s circle of friends was so uneventful that I forgot what the fuck happened. If you wanted to be bored to tears, you would read the phone book and not my mini-memoir. You want juice? I’ll give you juice. I’ll give you the Ocean Spray version of what happened to Malik Pierce. Kool-Aid is not real juice. It’s just powdery sugar shit that looks like it goes up your nose instead of in your mouth.
First lesson of today: if you’re in a role-playing game, do not…I repeat…DO NOT sabotage your own character for the sake of a “good story”. I absolutely hate it when players do this shit. They’ll intentionally trip over something or they’ll bonk their head on a brick wall with the idea that their injury makes for an interesting story. It doesn’t. It’s just stupid. Nobody liked it when Bella Swan did it in Twilight and they like it even less when an obscure role-player does it at the expense of the rest of the party. The reason I hate this so much is because I did it with Malik and the results were bass ackwards.
The PC’s and I were in a math class doing our assignments and Malik happened to finish his first like the good little student he was. Thirty-five brain cells minus ten equals twenty-five. If that was the case, it was a miracle he got anything done at all. In Malik’s infinite wisdom, he pulls out his portable CD player, puts his headphones on, and puts on that sweet, sweet sound of A Tribe Called Quest. And because torpedoing your own character meant good storytelling, the volume on Malik’s player was a LITTLE too loud for the teacher’s comfort.
“Malik! Do you mind?!” snapped the math teacher. No response. “Malik, put that away or else I’ll put you in detention!” Surely, I would have learned my lesson that this was going to go badly. But instead, I had Malik give her a “don’t bite my head off” kind of response. The teacher threatened to take away the CD player and Malik wouldn’t fork it over. Instead, our Filipino wrecking machine was sent to the principal’s office. Being the good little lad he was, he went there straight away to confront his own shitty behavior. Just kidding! He sat in the hallway and delayed the inevitable.
And who should run into him? The overly-friendly teacher from earlier. Malik explained what happened to her and she insisted on bringing him to the principal’s office anyways. The principal explained that he couldn’t “undermine” the math teacher’s authority and that Malik’s biggest sin in all of this was talking back to her. If a student insults a teacher, it’s worthy of punishment. But if a teacher insults a student, it’s Monday morning. While that phrase is so true they made a whole Pink Floyd-themed movie out of it, this was all Malik’s fault. Forget detention, this stupid motherfucker needed a firing squad. In that regard, he would have shown more brains in that one instance than he did in the math class. It would have been literal, but it would be true no less.
What’s that? You want more juice? Of course you do, because that’s how you make a screwdriver since alcohol is necessary in numbing your secondhand embarrassment. Very well. You get one more shot of juice and then happy hour is over. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. To set the scene up for this next juicy lesson, there’s an ogre on the football team who’s been bullying the shit out of everyone for far too long. Beatings, screams, gaslighting, you name it, this guy has done it. So Malik’s new circle of friends thought it would be a good idea to have him draw the football stud in an embarrassing light as a measure of revenge. Malik did just that: he drew the football stud as a hideous monster that would gag John Kricfalusi and Gerald Scarfe all in the same day. Also, the bully MAY have had a football sticking out of his ass. Or an American flag. Either way, he was not happy.
After school was officially over for the day, the football stud, dressed head to toe in his gear like a holy paladin who was anything but lawful good, confronted Malik and his circle of friends. This jock towered over Malik like Andre the Giant, but moved a lot more athletically and could no doubt kick the Filipino goofball’s ass. What does Malik do about it? What’s his massive Hail Mary? Well…he takes the role of drama prince and goes into a whole spiel about his abusive past. Malik reasoned that if he could beat his dad’s ass, he could beat the football stud’s ass. Nothing could hurt Malik anymore because he was already dead inside.
And just like that, Malik Pierce became the mayor of Cringe City. He might get a longer serving term than President Xi in China. He’d be just as hated, too. The circle of friends pulled him away from the scene and they gave him a stern talking to. They told him not to be a drama prince. They told him he went too far. They told him he fucked up the whole purpose of drawing the football stud as an ugly creature that would turn any Shrek movie into an NC-17 horror show. Malik Pierce was ashamed, but not nearly as much as I was that day. Something told me that the players weren’t just speaking through their characters. Something told me they really meant that.
These were hardly my first two blunders as a role-player during those years. I made a cyberpunk mercenary look like a whiny bastard. I made a corporate stooge look like a complete idiot. I DMed a Dungeons and Dragons game where the level 15 samurai blitzed through the whole fucking thing without breaking a sweat. My massive ego was so damaged that I thought I should take a break from role-playing. Maybe I wouldn’t ever come back. Maybe I really didn’t know anything about human behavior or good character work. Maybe I was an ineffective storyteller. So I wrote the high school RPG forum a letter telling them about my departure due to no longer having fun playing.
I was half-expecting the players and GM to do cheerleader flips over this. It was probably my Impostor Syndrome shouting from the rooftop. But then the GM responds by saying…”And just like that, I just lost my best player.” Now my Impostor Syndrome was shouting at me like a marine drill instructor. Surely, this GM was just being nice to me. Best player? I don’t think so. I goofed up twice and they were both in colossal ways. Good players don’t do that. It’s one thing to have a flawed character. It’s another thing to have one who’s so flawed that he comes off as tone-deaf and stupid. That’s what Malik Pierce was: stupid as fuck and deserving of his criticism. That’s why I don’t intend to use him again in any other role-play. I might reuse his name since I like over the top names, but the character himself is gone forever. He’s getting the Chris Benoit treatment without ever actually killing anybody.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes during my career as a role-player and GM. Malik Pierce’s story takes the cake. He is easily the most embarrassing character I’ve ever played as. I don’t believe the GM one second when she said that she lost her best player the day I resigned. Am I being too harsh on myself? Maybe. But sometimes a little tough love is warranted. It’s not ideal for self-care, but it is necessary if I want to move on from this mistake. And luckily I did. The role-playing experiences I had after 2006 fucked off forever were MUCH better by comparison. I had a barbarian who rose to the top of MMA fame. I had an art therapist who actually connected to his patient in a meaningful way. I had a socially awkward college student who wasn’t seen as a creep by his peers (which is a low bar to clear, but I’ll take it).
This story about Malik Pierce is a reminder that sometimes progress and growth aren’t linear. Sometimes you have to take one step forward and two steps back. But when you take those two steps back, you can either fold or you can get better. I’d like to think I got better since then. But I still haven’t found enough duct tape to shut up my Impostor Syndrome.
It was 2006 when Malik made his RPG debut. Because I was nostalgic for my high school days (NOT!), I decided to enter him into a school-themed RPG on an online forum. What kind of background did he have? What was he like? Well, for starters, he was a Filipino sophomore with the name Malik Pierce, which is obviously the most Filipino name I could come up with. He was teeny, tiny, and yet stood tall over his abusive father, for which Malik spent a hot minute in juvie. Okay, so we know he can fight. Now what? Let’s give him drawing skills and a love for A Tribe Called Quest, a rap band who was putting out music long before Malik was born. Hell, there was even a member of that band named Malik, but everyone called him Phife Dawg, may he rest in peace.
Malik was introduced to the game as being tentative around potential friends, most likely stemming from the physical abuse he suffered at home prior to his sophomore year. So instead of engaging directly with the student body, he put on his headphones and let Q-Tip, Phife Dawg, and Ali Shaheed Muhammad batter his eardrums with sick rhymes and jazzy beats. It was here that he caught the attention of a female teacher who was only a few years older than him. Did Malik have any sexual tension swirling in his brain? Maybe, but he didn’t let it show. This teacher encouraged him to make the friends he needed to, and to come to her for help if he needed it. Long story short, he did just that and made friends with the entire player-character cast of the game.
You probably saw that rushed intro and you’re thinking to yourself: “My, Garrison, aren’t you the biggest galaxy brain in the world! You’ve got show don’t tell down to a science! Why don’t you get that phrase tattooed on your balls?” To which I would respond that I spared you the details because that’s not where the juicy parts of this role-play take place. The introduction to Malik’s circle of friends was so uneventful that I forgot what the fuck happened. If you wanted to be bored to tears, you would read the phone book and not my mini-memoir. You want juice? I’ll give you juice. I’ll give you the Ocean Spray version of what happened to Malik Pierce. Kool-Aid is not real juice. It’s just powdery sugar shit that looks like it goes up your nose instead of in your mouth.
First lesson of today: if you’re in a role-playing game, do not…I repeat…DO NOT sabotage your own character for the sake of a “good story”. I absolutely hate it when players do this shit. They’ll intentionally trip over something or they’ll bonk their head on a brick wall with the idea that their injury makes for an interesting story. It doesn’t. It’s just stupid. Nobody liked it when Bella Swan did it in Twilight and they like it even less when an obscure role-player does it at the expense of the rest of the party. The reason I hate this so much is because I did it with Malik and the results were bass ackwards.
The PC’s and I were in a math class doing our assignments and Malik happened to finish his first like the good little student he was. Thirty-five brain cells minus ten equals twenty-five. If that was the case, it was a miracle he got anything done at all. In Malik’s infinite wisdom, he pulls out his portable CD player, puts his headphones on, and puts on that sweet, sweet sound of A Tribe Called Quest. And because torpedoing your own character meant good storytelling, the volume on Malik’s player was a LITTLE too loud for the teacher’s comfort.
“Malik! Do you mind?!” snapped the math teacher. No response. “Malik, put that away or else I’ll put you in detention!” Surely, I would have learned my lesson that this was going to go badly. But instead, I had Malik give her a “don’t bite my head off” kind of response. The teacher threatened to take away the CD player and Malik wouldn’t fork it over. Instead, our Filipino wrecking machine was sent to the principal’s office. Being the good little lad he was, he went there straight away to confront his own shitty behavior. Just kidding! He sat in the hallway and delayed the inevitable.
And who should run into him? The overly-friendly teacher from earlier. Malik explained what happened to her and she insisted on bringing him to the principal’s office anyways. The principal explained that he couldn’t “undermine” the math teacher’s authority and that Malik’s biggest sin in all of this was talking back to her. If a student insults a teacher, it’s worthy of punishment. But if a teacher insults a student, it’s Monday morning. While that phrase is so true they made a whole Pink Floyd-themed movie out of it, this was all Malik’s fault. Forget detention, this stupid motherfucker needed a firing squad. In that regard, he would have shown more brains in that one instance than he did in the math class. It would have been literal, but it would be true no less.
What’s that? You want more juice? Of course you do, because that’s how you make a screwdriver since alcohol is necessary in numbing your secondhand embarrassment. Very well. You get one more shot of juice and then happy hour is over. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. To set the scene up for this next juicy lesson, there’s an ogre on the football team who’s been bullying the shit out of everyone for far too long. Beatings, screams, gaslighting, you name it, this guy has done it. So Malik’s new circle of friends thought it would be a good idea to have him draw the football stud in an embarrassing light as a measure of revenge. Malik did just that: he drew the football stud as a hideous monster that would gag John Kricfalusi and Gerald Scarfe all in the same day. Also, the bully MAY have had a football sticking out of his ass. Or an American flag. Either way, he was not happy.
After school was officially over for the day, the football stud, dressed head to toe in his gear like a holy paladin who was anything but lawful good, confronted Malik and his circle of friends. This jock towered over Malik like Andre the Giant, but moved a lot more athletically and could no doubt kick the Filipino goofball’s ass. What does Malik do about it? What’s his massive Hail Mary? Well…he takes the role of drama prince and goes into a whole spiel about his abusive past. Malik reasoned that if he could beat his dad’s ass, he could beat the football stud’s ass. Nothing could hurt Malik anymore because he was already dead inside.
And just like that, Malik Pierce became the mayor of Cringe City. He might get a longer serving term than President Xi in China. He’d be just as hated, too. The circle of friends pulled him away from the scene and they gave him a stern talking to. They told him not to be a drama prince. They told him he went too far. They told him he fucked up the whole purpose of drawing the football stud as an ugly creature that would turn any Shrek movie into an NC-17 horror show. Malik Pierce was ashamed, but not nearly as much as I was that day. Something told me that the players weren’t just speaking through their characters. Something told me they really meant that.
These were hardly my first two blunders as a role-player during those years. I made a cyberpunk mercenary look like a whiny bastard. I made a corporate stooge look like a complete idiot. I DMed a Dungeons and Dragons game where the level 15 samurai blitzed through the whole fucking thing without breaking a sweat. My massive ego was so damaged that I thought I should take a break from role-playing. Maybe I wouldn’t ever come back. Maybe I really didn’t know anything about human behavior or good character work. Maybe I was an ineffective storyteller. So I wrote the high school RPG forum a letter telling them about my departure due to no longer having fun playing.
I was half-expecting the players and GM to do cheerleader flips over this. It was probably my Impostor Syndrome shouting from the rooftop. But then the GM responds by saying…”And just like that, I just lost my best player.” Now my Impostor Syndrome was shouting at me like a marine drill instructor. Surely, this GM was just being nice to me. Best player? I don’t think so. I goofed up twice and they were both in colossal ways. Good players don’t do that. It’s one thing to have a flawed character. It’s another thing to have one who’s so flawed that he comes off as tone-deaf and stupid. That’s what Malik Pierce was: stupid as fuck and deserving of his criticism. That’s why I don’t intend to use him again in any other role-play. I might reuse his name since I like over the top names, but the character himself is gone forever. He’s getting the Chris Benoit treatment without ever actually killing anybody.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes during my career as a role-player and GM. Malik Pierce’s story takes the cake. He is easily the most embarrassing character I’ve ever played as. I don’t believe the GM one second when she said that she lost her best player the day I resigned. Am I being too harsh on myself? Maybe. But sometimes a little tough love is warranted. It’s not ideal for self-care, but it is necessary if I want to move on from this mistake. And luckily I did. The role-playing experiences I had after 2006 fucked off forever were MUCH better by comparison. I had a barbarian who rose to the top of MMA fame. I had an art therapist who actually connected to his patient in a meaningful way. I had a socially awkward college student who wasn’t seen as a creep by his peers (which is a low bar to clear, but I’ll take it).
This story about Malik Pierce is a reminder that sometimes progress and growth aren’t linear. Sometimes you have to take one step forward and two steps back. But when you take those two steps back, you can either fold or you can get better. I’d like to think I got better since then. But I still haven’t found enough duct tape to shut up my Impostor Syndrome.
March 3, 2022
Jerk of the Year
VERSE 1
I tried to sing a song called “Daffodil Lament”
But you’re living in my head without paying rent
Changing the lyrics into a pornographic parody
Booing me and laughing like it’s all hilarity
If they gave an award for Jerk of the Year
You’d have millions of them magically appear
Covering your walls like the paint itself
Every closet, every desk, every space on your shelf
CHORUS 1
You’re the Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
It’s like winning the Golden Raspberry
You’re the Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
It’s like losing your booby prize cherry
VERSE 2
You joke about war, you joke about famine
Joke about kids getting blasted with a cannon
You laugh it all off, you call it “dark humor”
You call your criticism “fake news rumors”
Gallows humor is real, but let me ask you this
Are you the one wishing that the blade will miss?
The guillotine cuts you, your jokes get the laughs
But if you’re in the crowd, you’re just another ass
CHORUS 2
You’re the Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
It’s like winning the Gooker Award
You’re the Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
It’s like falling on a bladeless sword
VERSE 3
You can torch an orphanage, kick a few puppies
Pay the shitty wages to millennial yuppies
You can take the lollipop from a baby’s hand
Drop a few bombs on a foreigner’s land
The judge and jury are always on your side
You got the not guilty vote in a fucking landslide
When your ego and bank account are the same size
You eat steak, drink wine, fuck the nuggets and fries
CHORUS 3
You’re the Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
It’s almost better than a Medal of Honor
You’re the Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
It’s almost worth being a heartless monster
Jerk of the Decade! There’s no disputing
Jerk of the Century! Not worth feuding
Jerk of the Millennium! The ultimate truth
Biggest Jerk of All Time! I’ve got proof
You’re the Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
You’re the Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
I tried to sing a song called “Daffodil Lament”
But you’re living in my head without paying rent
Changing the lyrics into a pornographic parody
Booing me and laughing like it’s all hilarity
If they gave an award for Jerk of the Year
You’d have millions of them magically appear
Covering your walls like the paint itself
Every closet, every desk, every space on your shelf
CHORUS 1
You’re the Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
It’s like winning the Golden Raspberry
You’re the Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
It’s like losing your booby prize cherry
VERSE 2
You joke about war, you joke about famine
Joke about kids getting blasted with a cannon
You laugh it all off, you call it “dark humor”
You call your criticism “fake news rumors”
Gallows humor is real, but let me ask you this
Are you the one wishing that the blade will miss?
The guillotine cuts you, your jokes get the laughs
But if you’re in the crowd, you’re just another ass
CHORUS 2
You’re the Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
It’s like winning the Gooker Award
You’re the Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
It’s like falling on a bladeless sword
VERSE 3
You can torch an orphanage, kick a few puppies
Pay the shitty wages to millennial yuppies
You can take the lollipop from a baby’s hand
Drop a few bombs on a foreigner’s land
The judge and jury are always on your side
You got the not guilty vote in a fucking landslide
When your ego and bank account are the same size
You eat steak, drink wine, fuck the nuggets and fries
CHORUS 3
You’re the Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
It’s almost better than a Medal of Honor
You’re the Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
It’s almost worth being a heartless monster
Jerk of the Decade! There’s no disputing
Jerk of the Century! Not worth feuding
Jerk of the Millennium! The ultimate truth
Biggest Jerk of All Time! I’ve got proof
You’re the Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
You’re the Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
Jerk of the Year! Jerk of the Year!
Llewellyn Xavier
=========================================
THE BASICS
=========================================
Name: Llewellyn Edith Xavier
Nicknames: Llewie
Gender: Cisgender Female
Age: 35
Birth Date: 465 PM
Birth Place: Xavier Village
Currently Living In: Xavier Village
Species: Elf
Ethnicity / Race: Elf
Citizenship: Honey Valley
Religion / Beliefs: Magetan leftist
=========================================
FAMILY
=========================================
Father: Edward Xavier
Age: Dead
Relationship: Respect
Mother: Yvonne Xavier
Age: Dead
Relationship: Healthy
Brother: Windham Xavier
Age: 30
Relationship: Healthy
Pet(s): Athena (horse)
=========================================
PHYSICAL FEATURES:
=========================================
Height: 5’11”
Weight: 110 lbs.
Frame / Build: Lanky
Hair length: Long
Hair color: Blond
Eye shape: Wide
Eye color: Purple
Complexion: Light Green Skin
Face size (broad, narrow, etc.): Narrow
Voice type: Gentle
Foot size: Women’s 9
Tattoo(s): Dragon wings on her back
Scar(s): None
Other notable accessories: Earrings
Any other identifying mark(s): Pointy ears
=========================================
SOCIO / ECONOMIC / POLITICAL
=========================================
Political Affiliation: Left-wing
Economic Class: Moneyless society
Social Class (nobility, artisan, merchant, commoner, etc.): Queen
Occupation: Queen
Income: Moneyless society
Residence: Xavier Village
Transportation: Horse
=========================================
INTERESTS
=========================================
Favorite Food(s): Celery and peanut butter
Favorite Sport(s): Horseback riding
Favorite Book(s): Magetan bible
Favorite Show(s): TV doesn’t exist yet
Favorite Music: Piano
Favorite Color(s): Purple and pink
Clothing Style / Preferences: Religious robes
Hobbies: Chess, Backgammon, and Dominos
Role Model(s): Mageta and her parents
Likes: Creativity, storytelling, kindness
Dislikes: Conformity, racism, and unnecessary sexualization
=========================================
PERSONALITY
=========================================
Good Qualities / Trait(s): Kindness, intelligence, wisdom
Vices / Negative Trait(s): Workaholic, burned out, anxiety
Strengths: Leadership, fighting skills, and diplomacy
Weaknesses: Stretching herself thin, people-pleaser
Habits / Idiosyncrasies / Quirks: Constantly adjusting clothes
Phobia / Fears: Losing her brother
Loves: Creativity, storytelling, kindness
Hates: Conformity, racism, and unnecessary sexualization
Select one personality type below that best describes your character:
PROTECTORS
[X] Defender (ISFJ) – Puts the needs of others before themselves, to a point where they tend to give more than they receive. Quiet and conscientious. Modest and tends to be a spectator. They do what is expected of them without attracting attention to themselves. Sensitive to the feelings of others, and has a very good memory, especially when it comes to observing other people. Can be easily hurt. Very painstaking when it comes to detail.
Define your character’s personality based on the following aspects:
a. Physically (outward interaction with his environment, personal strengths): Approachable and non-threatening
b. Psychologically (intellect, mental stability, morality): Kind, loving, and more level-headed than her brother
c. Spiritually (her faith, convictions): Magetan zealot
d. Emotionally (willpower, under stressful situations, expressiveness): Cool under pressure, but anxiety takes over in the aftermath
e. Socially (how others view her, how she interacts with people): Well-respected among her people (except by Bijou Birdwing)
=========================================
HISTORY
=========================================
1. Describe the character’s childhood. Unlike her brother Windham, Llewellyn embraced the role of leader and didn’t complain about her training in both combat and leadership. That’s why she was made the queen and Windham is only a prince. But as far as her single digit ages go, she had a charmed life and was mostly protected from the outside world.
2. Name the good incidents that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped her personality? Like Windham, she too enjoyed whale-watching and animal cuteness as a child. But she was also praised for her success when it came time to take up the mantel of leader.
3. Name bad experiences that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped her personality? She had a bad habit of biting off more than she can chew. Too much contention with the outside world has burned her out and stretched her thin. She’s hoping the trade deal she wants to strike with Lars Stonewall will be enough to ease some of her duties without taking them away completely.
4. What is the character doing when first introduced? What are her goals at this point? She’s giving a storytelling sermon at her village’s church in an attempt to ease her people’s minds and remind them that there is light in the world despite everything going on. Her biggest goals beyond that are securing a trade deal with Lars Stonewall and making sure her missing elves come home safely.
4a. Do these goals change at any point in the story? No, they don’t.
=========================================
STORY DEVELOPMENT:
=========================================
CHARACTER ARCHETYPE: (Put an X on all applicable boxes)
[X] Addict (Conspicuous Consumer, Glutton, Workaholic–see also Gambler)
[X] Advocate (Attorney, Defender, Legislator, Lobbyist, Environmentalist)
[] Alchemist (Wizard, Magician, Scientist, Inventor–see also Visionary)
[] Angel (Fairy Godmother/Godfather)
[] Antagonist (Opposing View, not necessarily the Evil Bad — see also Villain)
[] Anti-Hero
[] Artist (Artisan, Craftsperson, Sculptor, Weaver)
[] Athlete (Olympian)
[] Avenger (Avenging Angel, Savior, Messiah)
[] Beggar (Homeless person/ Indigent)
[] Bully (Coward)
[] Catalyst
[] Child (Orphan, Wounded, Magical/Innocent, Nature, Divine, Puer/Puella Eternis, or Eternal Boy/Girl)
[] Clown (Court Jester, Fool, Dummling)
[] Companion (Friend, Sidekick, Right Arm, Consort)
[] Damsel (Princess)
[] Destroyer (Attila, Mad Scientist, Serial Killer, Spoiler)
[] Detective (Spy, Double Agent, Sleuth, Snoop, Sherlock Holmes, Private Investigator, Profiler–see also Warrior/Crime Fighter)
[] Dilettante (Amateur)
[] Don Juan (Casanova, Gigolo, Seducer, Sex Addict)
[] Engineer (Architect, Builder, Schemer)
[] Exorcist (Shaman)
[] Father (Patriarch, Progenitor)
[] Femme Fatale (Black Widow, Flirt, Siren, Circe, Seductress, Enchantress)
[] Gambler
[] God (Adonis, see also Hero)
[] Gossip (see also Networker)
[] Guide (Guru, Sage, Crone, Wise Woman, Spiritual Master, Evangelist, Preacher)
[] Healer (Wounded Healer, Intuitive Healer, Caregiver, Nurse, Therapist, Analyst, Counselor)
[] Hedonist (Bon Vivant, Chef, Gourmet, Gourmand, Sybarite–see also Mystic)
[] Hermit (see also Wise old Man)
[X] Hero/Heroine (see also Knight, Warrior)
[] Judge (Critic, Examiner, Mediator, Arbitrator)
[] King (Emperor, Ruler, Leader, Chief — see also Politician)
[] Knight in Shining Armor
[] Liberator
[] Lover
[] Martyr
[X] Mediator (Ambassador, Diplomat, Go-Between)
[X] Mentor (Master, Counselor, Tutor)
[] Messiah (Redeemer, Savior)
[] Midas/Miser
[] Monk/Nun (Celibate)
[] Mother (Matriarch, Mother Nature)
[] Mystic (Renunciate, Anchorite, Hermit)
[] Networker (Messenger, Herald, Courier, Journalist, Communicator)
[] Pioneer (Explorer, Settler, Pilgrim, Innovator)
[] Poet
[X] Politician (see also King)
[] Priest (Priestess, Minister, Rabbi, Evangelist)
[] Prince
[] Prostitute
[X] Queen (Empress)
[] Rebel (Anarchist, Revolutionary, Political Protester, Nonconformist, Pirate)
[] Rescuer
[] Saboteur
[] Samaritan
[] Scribe (Copyist, Secretary, Accountant–see also Journalist)
[] Seeker (Wanderer, Vagabond, Nomad)
[] Servant (Indentured Servant)
[] Shape-shifter (Spell-caster–see also Trickster)
[] Slave
[] Spectre (Ghost / Apparition with Unresolved issues)
[X] Storyteller (Minstrel, Narrator)
[] Student / Scholar (Disciple, Devotee, Follower, Apprentice)
[] Teacher (Instructor, see also Mentor)
[] Thief (Swindler, Con Artist, Pickpocket, Burglar, Robin Hood)
[] Threshold Guardian
[] Trickster (Puck, Provocateur)
[] Turncoat
[] Vampire
[] Victim
[] Villain / Shadow (Big Bad of the story; see also Antagonist)
[] Virgin (see also Celibate)
[] Visionary (Dreamer, Prophet, Seer–see also Guide, Alchemist)
[] Warrior (Soldier, Crime Fighter, Amazon, Mercenary, Soldier of Fortune, Gunslinger, Samurai)
[] Wise old Man (see also Hermit)
1. What are the motivations for the character’s actions? Zeal, people-pleasing habits, family love, and doing what’s right
2. What are the character’s goals / ambition / dreams? To keep her queendom happy and lead them into greatness
3. What external conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Taking down the Atwood Queendom and Shadow Asylum.
3a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Their armies are much stronger than hers. Also, she has no idea where Lars Stonewall is.
4. What inner conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? She wants to take a rest even if she doesn’t know it yet.
4a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Workaholic tendencies and not knowing when to quit.
AUTHOR’S NOTES / MISCELLANY
=========================================
Character theme song: “For You” by Marko Hietala
Celebrity / IRL lookalike: Emilia Clarke
THE BASICS
=========================================
Name: Llewellyn Edith Xavier
Nicknames: Llewie
Gender: Cisgender Female
Age: 35
Birth Date: 465 PM
Birth Place: Xavier Village
Currently Living In: Xavier Village
Species: Elf
Ethnicity / Race: Elf
Citizenship: Honey Valley
Religion / Beliefs: Magetan leftist
=========================================
FAMILY
=========================================
Father: Edward Xavier
Age: Dead
Relationship: Respect
Mother: Yvonne Xavier
Age: Dead
Relationship: Healthy
Brother: Windham Xavier
Age: 30
Relationship: Healthy
Pet(s): Athena (horse)
=========================================
PHYSICAL FEATURES:
=========================================
Height: 5’11”
Weight: 110 lbs.
Frame / Build: Lanky
Hair length: Long
Hair color: Blond
Eye shape: Wide
Eye color: Purple
Complexion: Light Green Skin
Face size (broad, narrow, etc.): Narrow
Voice type: Gentle
Foot size: Women’s 9
Tattoo(s): Dragon wings on her back
Scar(s): None
Other notable accessories: Earrings
Any other identifying mark(s): Pointy ears
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SOCIO / ECONOMIC / POLITICAL
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Political Affiliation: Left-wing
Economic Class: Moneyless society
Social Class (nobility, artisan, merchant, commoner, etc.): Queen
Occupation: Queen
Income: Moneyless society
Residence: Xavier Village
Transportation: Horse
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INTERESTS
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Favorite Food(s): Celery and peanut butter
Favorite Sport(s): Horseback riding
Favorite Book(s): Magetan bible
Favorite Show(s): TV doesn’t exist yet
Favorite Music: Piano
Favorite Color(s): Purple and pink
Clothing Style / Preferences: Religious robes
Hobbies: Chess, Backgammon, and Dominos
Role Model(s): Mageta and her parents
Likes: Creativity, storytelling, kindness
Dislikes: Conformity, racism, and unnecessary sexualization
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PERSONALITY
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Good Qualities / Trait(s): Kindness, intelligence, wisdom
Vices / Negative Trait(s): Workaholic, burned out, anxiety
Strengths: Leadership, fighting skills, and diplomacy
Weaknesses: Stretching herself thin, people-pleaser
Habits / Idiosyncrasies / Quirks: Constantly adjusting clothes
Phobia / Fears: Losing her brother
Loves: Creativity, storytelling, kindness
Hates: Conformity, racism, and unnecessary sexualization
Select one personality type below that best describes your character:
PROTECTORS
[X] Defender (ISFJ) – Puts the needs of others before themselves, to a point where they tend to give more than they receive. Quiet and conscientious. Modest and tends to be a spectator. They do what is expected of them without attracting attention to themselves. Sensitive to the feelings of others, and has a very good memory, especially when it comes to observing other people. Can be easily hurt. Very painstaking when it comes to detail.
Define your character’s personality based on the following aspects:
a. Physically (outward interaction with his environment, personal strengths): Approachable and non-threatening
b. Psychologically (intellect, mental stability, morality): Kind, loving, and more level-headed than her brother
c. Spiritually (her faith, convictions): Magetan zealot
d. Emotionally (willpower, under stressful situations, expressiveness): Cool under pressure, but anxiety takes over in the aftermath
e. Socially (how others view her, how she interacts with people): Well-respected among her people (except by Bijou Birdwing)
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HISTORY
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1. Describe the character’s childhood. Unlike her brother Windham, Llewellyn embraced the role of leader and didn’t complain about her training in both combat and leadership. That’s why she was made the queen and Windham is only a prince. But as far as her single digit ages go, she had a charmed life and was mostly protected from the outside world.
2. Name the good incidents that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped her personality? Like Windham, she too enjoyed whale-watching and animal cuteness as a child. But she was also praised for her success when it came time to take up the mantel of leader.
3. Name bad experiences that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped her personality? She had a bad habit of biting off more than she can chew. Too much contention with the outside world has burned her out and stretched her thin. She’s hoping the trade deal she wants to strike with Lars Stonewall will be enough to ease some of her duties without taking them away completely.
4. What is the character doing when first introduced? What are her goals at this point? She’s giving a storytelling sermon at her village’s church in an attempt to ease her people’s minds and remind them that there is light in the world despite everything going on. Her biggest goals beyond that are securing a trade deal with Lars Stonewall and making sure her missing elves come home safely.
4a. Do these goals change at any point in the story? No, they don’t.
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STORY DEVELOPMENT:
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CHARACTER ARCHETYPE: (Put an X on all applicable boxes)
[X] Addict (Conspicuous Consumer, Glutton, Workaholic–see also Gambler)
[X] Advocate (Attorney, Defender, Legislator, Lobbyist, Environmentalist)
[] Alchemist (Wizard, Magician, Scientist, Inventor–see also Visionary)
[] Angel (Fairy Godmother/Godfather)
[] Antagonist (Opposing View, not necessarily the Evil Bad — see also Villain)
[] Anti-Hero
[] Artist (Artisan, Craftsperson, Sculptor, Weaver)
[] Athlete (Olympian)
[] Avenger (Avenging Angel, Savior, Messiah)
[] Beggar (Homeless person/ Indigent)
[] Bully (Coward)
[] Catalyst
[] Child (Orphan, Wounded, Magical/Innocent, Nature, Divine, Puer/Puella Eternis, or Eternal Boy/Girl)
[] Clown (Court Jester, Fool, Dummling)
[] Companion (Friend, Sidekick, Right Arm, Consort)
[] Damsel (Princess)
[] Destroyer (Attila, Mad Scientist, Serial Killer, Spoiler)
[] Detective (Spy, Double Agent, Sleuth, Snoop, Sherlock Holmes, Private Investigator, Profiler–see also Warrior/Crime Fighter)
[] Dilettante (Amateur)
[] Don Juan (Casanova, Gigolo, Seducer, Sex Addict)
[] Engineer (Architect, Builder, Schemer)
[] Exorcist (Shaman)
[] Father (Patriarch, Progenitor)
[] Femme Fatale (Black Widow, Flirt, Siren, Circe, Seductress, Enchantress)
[] Gambler
[] God (Adonis, see also Hero)
[] Gossip (see also Networker)
[] Guide (Guru, Sage, Crone, Wise Woman, Spiritual Master, Evangelist, Preacher)
[] Healer (Wounded Healer, Intuitive Healer, Caregiver, Nurse, Therapist, Analyst, Counselor)
[] Hedonist (Bon Vivant, Chef, Gourmet, Gourmand, Sybarite–see also Mystic)
[] Hermit (see also Wise old Man)
[X] Hero/Heroine (see also Knight, Warrior)
[] Judge (Critic, Examiner, Mediator, Arbitrator)
[] King (Emperor, Ruler, Leader, Chief — see also Politician)
[] Knight in Shining Armor
[] Liberator
[] Lover
[] Martyr
[X] Mediator (Ambassador, Diplomat, Go-Between)
[X] Mentor (Master, Counselor, Tutor)
[] Messiah (Redeemer, Savior)
[] Midas/Miser
[] Monk/Nun (Celibate)
[] Mother (Matriarch, Mother Nature)
[] Mystic (Renunciate, Anchorite, Hermit)
[] Networker (Messenger, Herald, Courier, Journalist, Communicator)
[] Pioneer (Explorer, Settler, Pilgrim, Innovator)
[] Poet
[X] Politician (see also King)
[] Priest (Priestess, Minister, Rabbi, Evangelist)
[] Prince
[] Prostitute
[X] Queen (Empress)
[] Rebel (Anarchist, Revolutionary, Political Protester, Nonconformist, Pirate)
[] Rescuer
[] Saboteur
[] Samaritan
[] Scribe (Copyist, Secretary, Accountant–see also Journalist)
[] Seeker (Wanderer, Vagabond, Nomad)
[] Servant (Indentured Servant)
[] Shape-shifter (Spell-caster–see also Trickster)
[] Slave
[] Spectre (Ghost / Apparition with Unresolved issues)
[X] Storyteller (Minstrel, Narrator)
[] Student / Scholar (Disciple, Devotee, Follower, Apprentice)
[] Teacher (Instructor, see also Mentor)
[] Thief (Swindler, Con Artist, Pickpocket, Burglar, Robin Hood)
[] Threshold Guardian
[] Trickster (Puck, Provocateur)
[] Turncoat
[] Vampire
[] Victim
[] Villain / Shadow (Big Bad of the story; see also Antagonist)
[] Virgin (see also Celibate)
[] Visionary (Dreamer, Prophet, Seer–see also Guide, Alchemist)
[] Warrior (Soldier, Crime Fighter, Amazon, Mercenary, Soldier of Fortune, Gunslinger, Samurai)
[] Wise old Man (see also Hermit)
1. What are the motivations for the character’s actions? Zeal, people-pleasing habits, family love, and doing what’s right
2. What are the character’s goals / ambition / dreams? To keep her queendom happy and lead them into greatness
3. What external conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Taking down the Atwood Queendom and Shadow Asylum.
3a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Their armies are much stronger than hers. Also, she has no idea where Lars Stonewall is.
4. What inner conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? She wants to take a rest even if she doesn’t know it yet.
4a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Workaholic tendencies and not knowing when to quit.
AUTHOR’S NOTES / MISCELLANY
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Character theme song: “For You” by Marko Hietala
Celebrity / IRL lookalike: Emilia Clarke
