Adam Thomas's Blog, page 35

You remind me of … Barney Rubble?

During the Morning Scramble* to get to school, my daughter was preoccupied with the library book she’s reading.  Yes, it’s wonderful  she loves to read.  Ugh, I had to harp on her to pick up the pace.  Once in the car, she told me that numerous characters in the book reminded her of family members.  Then she went into school and the conversation ended, but it made me recall something my son had said just a few weeks earlier.  After church one Sunday, he stated that the priest reminded him of Kermit the Frog.   We all laughed and agreed that the priest did, in fact, have the same mannerisms as Kermit.  After that you can only imagine where the conversation strayed.  The gloves were off and EVERYONE WAS A CARTOON CHARACTER - especially me.

 Me – Apparently I remind my wife of Barney Rubble from The Flintstones.  Although, I do not have a friend named Fred or have ever said the words “Hi, ya’ doin’, Fred.”  And never will, unless she wants me to in some twisted heat of passion.  Even then it might be a bit awkward.

My kids think I’m that crazy Scientist dude Doofenschmirtz from Phineas and Ferb .  Personally, I’m insulted, but unfortunately I can see the resemblance; somewhat concerning.  But it could be worse.  Lastly, I reminded my daughter of Ivan from  The One and Only Ivan, that library book I previously mentioned.  He’s an ape.

The priest reference - Kermit the frog

My mother’s good friend - Piglet, from Winnie the Pooh.  She was always so pessimistic.

My grandmother – Rabbit from Winnie the Pooh.  Worry, work, and always carried a fork for protection.  No one messed with Gran or Rabbit for that matter.

My nephew – Patrick Star ( from SpongeBob) or Winnie the Pooh himself (or would it be itself?) - depends on what year it was.  Now he’s in college and he is your basic 18 year old teenager.

There are plenty more.  I asked a few friends to contribute, but no one could recall  anything when prompted.  I think it’s one of those ‘in the moment’ things, usually associated with alcohol or when  making fun of a customer at the pharmacy.  Unless it’s really memorable, it’s forgotten.   Wait maybe that’s more an age thing or better yet  a coping mechanism?

I included some fun Flintstone clips.  The second selection is titled The History of The Flintstones.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yu-gMauEHso

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vfM58SN81XI

Regardless, it’s just fun!

*The Morning Scramble -  the name of my restaurant in My … Fictionalized Memoir.

 

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The only thing we have to fear is … success?

Are you ready to see that if you’d like to reach the next level of success, you must dissolve some of your fears of success?

When I first read that, I was mad.  Why on earth would anyone be afraid of success?  I’ve yearned anxiously  for that ‘break’ that will change it all for me – struggling for years in this pharmacy profession that I consider more of a waiting room than anything.  After how I’m treated by both the company AND the public it’s stretching it to call it anything else.  So I continue to wait.  You would think that for how often I think about success for my writing, it would’ve happened already.  But it still eludes me. Why? Why? Why?

So I thought about the above question and briefly researched  fears  of  success.  You’d be surprised at how twisted we as thinking individuals actually are.  Well, at least those of us that think and attempt to make our future more fulfilling.

1. Fear of Not Coping With Success

Some dude named Hugh MacLeod pointed out that success is more complex than failure.  Success takes hard work and disappointment and more hard work.  It’s been found that people really don’t want to work that hard.  Lazy bastards.

2. Fear of Selling Out

Creative individuals  have a complicated relationship with success.  The loss of  artistic integrity always looms.  To me this could be a cope out.  I don’t know.  If you want it bad enough and they want you bad enough - it will work out.

3. Fear of Becoming Someone Else

Fuck em, all.  They’re probably just jealous.  For me, I have enough reciprocated, fulfilling relationships to endure anything.  My friends want me to succeed as much as I want them to do the same.  Besides, the vast majority of people who don’t know me already think I’m an asshole. So I’s got dis category covered.

4. Success will have to be maintained or,  even worse, increased.

To me this has more to do with realistic expectations.  I am an average writer with a unique voice that knows how to entertain with the written word.  My goal is a New York Times number one Best Seller and to be on the cover of Vanity Fair someday.  Anything above that is just icng on the proverbial cake.  But, I do like cake!

Speaking of Vanity Fair, the recent issue spotlighted  Sting.  He stated that he just had an eight year ‘drought’ of creative energy.  Instead of wallowing, he accepted the ‘block’ for what it was and went back to his roots.  Now, he has a play that’s opening up in Chicago, then New York.

5. Doubts about your own worthiness for success

Ding, ding, ding – there it is. This has ME written all over it.

Subconsciously, I’ve realized this for some time, often rationalizing failure with contentment.  “Well at least I still have …. ,” I’d counter.  Or “Maybe it wasn’t meant to be,”  my mother would often say.  Remember, I’m Catholic.  Self-inflicted guilt  is more deeply rooted than these damn weeds in my lawn that appear regardless of my OCD gardening skills.   So deserving or even wanting anything above what I have can be a guilt-ridden mess.

Ugh!

So now what?  For me, I just need to get over it.  I am done with my current existence and need to move on.

I will close with words from Stephanie Manos  -

To create and sustain success it is essential to find and release your fears of success.  

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Simply Stated

So, my wife and I are huge greeting card freaks.   In other words, I buy and send a shit load of cards.  So much so, that I should have stock in Hallmark, but I just never got around to it.  Though I’m certain there’s a section of cards for that.  Those on the coveted mailing list really do appreciate receiving the cards; primarily birthday and anniversary.  The nice thing is, sometimes it promotes a return note or even a phone call.  Regardless, it’s  much nicer than getting another bill.

Personally I usually gravitate toward those cards that are ‘Simply Stated’.  I can’t even browse the ‘Between You and Me’ section without either   coffee,  alcohol or both.  Those cards are like novels – it’s like get to the point, already.

Since Mother’s Day  is right around the corner, I  found myself down the aisle doing the annual deed.  What I found, though, was … unsettling.  Shoebox is a subsidiary of Hallmark.  Usually this line of cards pushes the envelope, pun intended and unintended; sometimes raunchy, mostly just fun.  I have often purchased cards from this line.  Be this as it may, the offerings from Shoebox for Mother’s Day were borderline offensive.  It’s Mother’s Day.  That’s like the pedestal of Hallmark holidays.  To commemorate the sanctity of the occasion with the ‘greetings’ below is just wrong.  Fathers take a lot of shit and sometimes for good reasons, especially if said father is the ‘baby daddy’ type.  Thus chiding them is funny.  Lately, some mothers that I see at the pharmacy and hear about on the news are disturbingly questionable.  But come on … .  It’s still Mother’s Day!

A Mother’s love never fails

                                                     but Birth Control does.  Happy Mother’s Day from your “LITTLE ACCIDENT”

 

A world without moms is a world that would suck

                                                    thanks for making my world a better place – Happy Mother’s Day

 

Being a mom is the Best thing that you can’t undo

                                                        ever

 

By the way, that last entry didn’t even say Happy Mother’s Day anywhere on the card.

I’ve often said my sense of humor has been sucked dry from working retail.  So,I  find great solace in ‘the raunchy comedy that is life’ .  However, none of those Shoebox sayings are remotely humorous to me, jaded as I am.

Therefore, I will choose the high road here, ending with ‘Simply Stated’ message -

Happy Mother’s Day

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Things that make ME go Hmmm

Last night I finally saw the Ben Stiller remake of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.   As you know, I love the short story. I even posted HWWMR back on 04-27-2013.  I was hesitant to see the film, but assured by every member of my family that it was, indeed, wonderful.  They had the privilege of seeing it over Spring Break at the State Theatre.  I did not.  Yes, seeing things on the big screen, especially The State Theatre big screen, enhances any viewing experience.  Since that was not the case for me, I had to settle for our television.

Well, I think I missed something.

I wanted to be moved.  Instead I was slightly entertained.

Don’t get me wrong, the scenery was absolutely amazing even on the smaller screen.   The message was clear; just not as cathartic as I anticipated.  But what tripped me up the most is that I got hung up on two pivotal events that made me question the creative motives of both Stiller, the director and star, and the screenwriter.

ATTENTION: SPOILER ALERT

First – Why have so much emphasis on the piano only to sell the damn thing without what appears to be a concern just a few scenes later?

Second – Why did he ‘pitch’ the wallet in the garbage? I realize he was frustrated.  He was just fired and failed to acquire the ‘grail’ he saught.  Then he told the giver of said wallet that he did what he had done?! That was gut wrenching for me.  I realize that these actions advanced the storyline, but I still question the reasoning.  Being a writer, that is what I do, though.  I get the “look inside” and “quintessence of LIFE” metaphors, but to tell someone you admired and respected for close to two decades that you discarded such a thoughtful, purposeful gift … .  Ugh! I guess when someone wants to turn  My Life  As A  Retail Pharmacist into a Fictionalized  Movie I will surely demand creative control.

View From The Top is a hilarious movie that is actually one of my family’s go to comedies.  For the purpose of this post, it is the other thing that makes me go hmmm.   Yes, Gwyneth Paltrow, the star of the movie has done numerous things lately that probably make everyone go hmmm.  Can you say ‘consciously uncoupling parties’?  But that is not what I plan to comment upon.

Paltrow stated in a post movie interview that View From The Top was the worst movie she had done or the biggest mistake of her career or something to that nature.  I researched briefly to get the complete scoop, but I couldn’t find the appropriate interview spot.   That said, I completely disagree.  Paltrow takes what would have been a B-rated movie and elevates it to comedic … not really genius, but it’s pretty damn funny.  The scene below is my daughter’s favorite.  Also, it’s ironic.   I don’t think Gwyneth Paltrow eats bread.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pPaMbyMOlg

 

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two marquees and a song

Back in December of 2012 I blogged about the ‘Words of Wisdom’ area businesses placed on their marquees.  Just like me, everyone has  a comment about something.  So, once again, I decided to comment on their wisdom.  Since the pickin’s were slim, remember we are in that transitional time of year, I decided to include the video of a popular song.  Think of it as an added bonus.

LIVE YOUR LIFE SO YOU WON’T HAVE TO HIDE YOUR DIARY

Unfortunately, some people need to hide their diaries regardless.  The more I thought about this, I realized the reverse was also true.  If you led this boring-ass life, you really have nothing to hide.   No one’s going to want to read something that lame.  Take my life for example.  It’s relatively quiet; normally a snooze fest.  I even get bored.  I kinda’ like that though.  That’s why I like writing so much.  I can “Fictionalize” any  ”Memoir“ therefore transforming “My Life” into a wonderful e-book.  My problem is that I actually want people to read it.  So if you haven’t picked up a copy yet -please do so.  Just click that book cover icon over to the right.

OUR ROADS ARE HOLIER THAN THE NEW POPE.

Yes, I realize the Pope has been around for close to a year already, but, like I said, the pickin’ were slim.  Originally, I placed this in my ‘blog ideas’ file a while back and decided now was as good a time as any.  The bad news for Traverse is that the Road Commission has probably already run out of money from the long winter to even think about fixing those potholes.  Eighth Street between Woodmere and Boardman is beyond awful.  This works quite well for  Juniors Tires, a local tire realtor.  Their location is smack dab in the middle of pothole hell.  Coincidence? I think not.   Since I’ve already been there once, it just doesn’t matter.

On to that song I referenced in the title.

Pompeii by the band Bastille is awesome.  Well until it gets killed by the radio and we get sick of listening to it that is.  But for now, it’s way awesome.  Even more awesome is this video I found.  The song is performed live with a violin orchestra.  WOW – COOL!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCU7o9sNy6E

I also decided that some of the lyrics could be  potential marquee material.

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Oh where do we begin?

The rubble or our sins?

Alone or separate, either way those lines rock.

Enjoy

P.S. At post time Roy’s General store had something very fun on their marquee.  I really don’t think it would be qualified as Words of Wisdom by any means, but it is … informative?!

WE HAVE GALVANIZED NIPPLES

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a very random, yet seasonally appropriate burning question

Easter is just a few days away, but I work retail, so the Easter promotional aisle has been set since, like, the day after Valentine’s Day.  Every day I’m bombarded with the seasonal candy offerings.  A good friend of mine actually looks forward to the appropriately shaped Snickers, Reece’s and whatever else manufacturer’s can shape things into to sell every holiday.  I, on the other hand, rarely eat candy.  No, I’m not a freak.   Well, okay, I am a freak, but not because of that.  I ‘ve just never really been a ‘snacker’.  However,  every Easter I purchase the token bag of Brach’s Classic Jelly Beans.   I never really eat the whole bag.  Usually I have a handful, realize how grotesquely sweet they taste and put the remainder in the community candy drawer at the pharmacy.  Then, I’m good for the year.

Face it, jelly beans are as basic as Easter candy can get.  Every company has them – Lifesavers, Skittles, Starburst, Jolly Ranchers.  I think they even have Blow Pop  and/or Tootsie Roll versions.

Why I am ranting about this innocent Easter staple?

I’ll continue.

A few years back, I proceeded to buy the ‘yearly bag’ and noticed that the Brach’s Classic version I had always selected changed.  The word Jelly Beans was replaced with Jelly Bird Eggs.   What’s up with that? What the hell is a Jelly Bird Egg? More importantly,  what the hell did they do to my Jelly Beans?

The answer was simple – absolutely nothing.  They looked the same, tasted the same, and … I even ate the same amount.

So what’s up with the verbiage change?  No idea.  Yes, it taunted me every time I passed the aisle, but after that, I forgot about it.  Until 300 plus days later of course, when  just like Easter it resurfaced.  I’d buy the bag and complain to whomever was around me about the supid jelly bird egg thing, eat the damn candy and call it good.

NOT THIS YEAR

To solve this mystery I went directly to the source.  I e-mailed Brach’s, asking what was up?

Did I sound like a complete dork in that e-mail that even  I would  make fun of? Yes.  Did I get an answer? Yes.

 

Thank you for contacting Ferrara Candy Company regarding Brach’s® Classic Jelly Bird Eggs. Hearing from our consumers better enables us to continue to provide quality products and services.  Consumer feedback is very important to us, and we appreciate the opportunity to respond.

Our Brach’s Jelly Bird Eggs are basically our seasonal variety of Jelly Beans.  It is simply a way to differentiate between an everyday and a seasonal item.

Now about that Easter Bunny … .

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“Here’s lookin’ at your rectus abdominis, Kid!”

First an anatomy lesson -

The most well-known and prominent abdominal muscle is the rectus abdominis. It is the long, flat muscle that extends vertically between the pubis and the fifth, sixth, and seventh ribs.  A strong tendinous sheath called the “linea alba,”  give the muscle its familiar “washboard” look in very fit athletes – aka ‘the six-pack’.  Yeah, baby.

The next group of muscles that make up the abdominals are the external oblique muscles. This pair of muscle are located on each side of the rectus abdominis. The muscle fibers of the external obliques run diagonally downward and inward from the lower ribs to the pelvis, forming the letter V. You can locate them by putting your hands in your coat pocket.

The deepest layer of abdominal muscles is called the “transversus abdominis.” The transverse abdominal muscle wraps around the torso from front to back and from the ribs to the pelvis. The muscle fibers of the transversus abdominis run horizontally, similar to a corset or a weight belt. This muscle doesn’t help move the spine or the pelvis, but it does help with respiration and breathing.

So why that recap?

First of all, it’s actually kinda’ interesting.  Especially for me.  I work out often and am quite proud of my abs.  Yes, I have a six-pack - year round.  Though, I am forever changing-up the regimen, looking for new exercises.  I do have my ‘go to’ favorites, of course.  One of which is the sit-up.  I do do crucnchies from time to time, but  let’s face it, sit-ups are just more manly.  Even the word ‘crunchie’  is … borderline.  Sounds more like an afternoon snack than a rockin’ hard ab exercise.  Insert manly grunt.

Over the past few years, I’ve had neck / shoulder issues;  an occupational hazard – fuckin’ pharmacy job.  Standing in one place looking down in a very un-ergonomically designed space for hours on end wreaks havoc on any attempt for proper posture.  So, I exercise.  Recently I was told that sit-ups are ‘the worst exercise’ I could do considering ‘my condition’ – fuckin’ pharmacy job.  Fuckin’ condition, too.   Well,  from what I’ve read, neither sit-ups nor crunchies are even that good of exercises to begin with.

I was instructed that plank would be the best exercise for me and my, um, condition.  Plank?! Really? The word corset is in the description of the muscle group –   transversus abdominis – it works.  Rarely do I see men do plank.  Correction, I know they do,  maybe I just don’t pay that close attention.  Maybe they’re, like, closet plankers.  Still … plank?  It is so boring.

Since I am a very open-minded person and considering ‘my condition’, I have decided to give this plank thing a try.  Yes, it is still way boring, but it does fatigue my transversus abdominis  quite well.  I think of it as the Zen of ab exercises.  Besides, I’ve created  variations to ‘man it up’ .  Trust me, my plank exercises are impressive.

Don’t worry, I will never stop the sit-up.  I’ve  just adjusted the neck position in which I execute the exercise.   Fuckin’ condition.

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Because inquiring minds wanted to know

http://www.anmm.gov.au/site/page.cfm?u=1559&contentId=4301&mode=displayPhoto&startRow=17

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IBTWYPDB

I’ll keep you guessin’ on what that actually represents.  Though I’m certain that once you begin reading this post, the answer will be obvious.  HINT – there is a color involved.

As most of you know, I love Vanity Fair magazine.  It’s just cool.  A good friend told me that VF highlights ‘interesting people (and topics) you’ve never heard of that make a good read’.  Case in point – the February 2014 issues teased readers with an article on 50 YEARS OF SEX, SAND & SKIMPY BIKINIS.  The author, Rich Cohen, focused his piece on the fiftieth  anniversary issue of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.  Cohen did an excellent job.   Though the numerous pictures of past covers AND famous ‘Shots’ distracted from the text numerous times.

HISTORY -

In 1963, Fred Smith came up with the idea of ‘putting a girl in a swimsuit on the cover as a classic solution for the winter blues’.  However, it was in 1964 that the ‘official’ first swimsuit edition rolled out.  A German model by the name of Babette March was the first swimsuit model; the template, so to speak.  It wasn’t until Jule Campbell took the reins in 1965 that the true ‘ genius of the issue’ was apparent.  She was the mastermind until 1996.  Nice job, eh?  Anyway, She took an unknown California beach girl named Sue Peterson to Cabo San Lucas and, well, the rest is history.  In 1974 things ‘changed’.  A simple ’Shot’ , as it has been referred to since, of Cheryl Tiegs walking the beach in a white fish net one-piece definitely  raised the preverbial  bar of all photos to follow.  She was quoted saying that she still receives requests to autograph that ’shot’ even today.

In 1997 the first stand-alone Swimsuit issue was revealed.  Prior to that, the swimsuit portion was a 30 page insert to the regular magazine.  The article went on to discuss the locations, the famous body painting, and how being  ‘the cover model’ each year is practically a matter of National Security.

The 2014 issue – yes, I looked through it, okay.  First of all, why wouldn’t I? It’s a tradition that needs to be maintained.  Secondly, I needed to do research for this post, of course.  I’m a writer.  I’m always doing, um, research.

Anyway, the issue had a fun Then and Now feature, spotlighting some of the famous faces or bodies, if you will, that have graced the magazine over the years.  All in all, those girls have aged well.  Though the black /  leather wardrobe theme was … a bit much.

I just can’t close this post without revealing my favorites.  “Every guy has one,” says Cohen.  For me, Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romijn, and Paulina Porizkova always made my heart skip a beat or two.  But  Elle MacPherson is and always will be totally awesome.  There’s a shot of her in the 1990 issue wearing a single-strap one-piece… .  Well,  I’m just speechless.  For those that know me, that rarely happens.

So, let the tradition continue for another fifty years.

Here’s that ‘answer’ link I promised.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ge9Ou3-YyqU

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Star light, star bright FIVE STAR REVIEWS (tonight)

Great Read

By brother in arms

This review is from: My Life As A Retail Pharmacist – A Fictionalized Memoir (Kindle Edition)
Thomas has a fresh look on what it is REALLY like to work retail. The change in Point of View is seamless and refreshing. Well written for quick, yet satisfying read.

  Great book!!       March 20, 2014


By Kim Hines
This review is from: My Life As A Retail Pharmacist – A Fictionalized Memoir (Kindle Edition)

This is a wonderful book! I was engrossed in it from beginning to end. Adam Thomas is such a likeable character, you find yourself cheering for him along the way. For anyone that has ever worked retail this is a must read! I’m hoping to see more books in the future from this author.

  A “Fantastic” Fictionalized Memoir, March 22, 2014



By Maureen Sodin – See all my reviews

This review is from: My Life As A Retail Pharmacist – A Fictionalized Memoir (Kindle Edition)
Great Book! Fast Read! Character that you care about and are anxious to find out the outcome of his situation.


The link below takes you to a fun song.  With such great reviews, one does need to celebrate.  Besides, it’s by a group called  American Authors .  So it is very appropriate.  Though the ‘official’ video for the song is  … otherwise.  This is a music only link.
Enjoy!

Remember always tell two friends. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r28mcaJLUV4

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