Adam Thomas's Blog, page 37

My halls are alive with the sound of music

No, this isn’t another post about my house or Carrie Underwood’s rendition of the beloved musical.  Though the last Winter Storm produced enough snow drifts to physically narrow my drive.  As for the latter,  I never saw the scandalous event and have no idea what the commotion was about.  What I’m referring to is my Denon CD player.  It was part of  ’the stereo system’ purchased over twenty years ago. My first big purchase as a college graduate.  I bought a car immediately, of course.  It was needed to get to and from the job.  The stereo system, however, was the luxury item that validated my transition from starving college student status.  I’ve enjoyed it ever since.  And, yes, I still buy CD’s.

During our Christmas party last year -2012, my trusty CD player just stopped dead.  So dead that the cartridge holding six discs wouldn’t even disengage.  It didn’t disrupt the party and I really didn’t think about it afterward.  A few months later, we changed things up in the house and moved the electronics into the basement.   Spring came and went.  Summer was even busier; then school.  Before we knew it we were looking for that certain  Amy Grant Christmas CD.  Never guess where it was – yep stuck inside the player.

I contacted the only place to fix such devices here in Traverse.  Within a week or so the discs were out AND Amy Grant was once again serenading us with her lovely voice.  By the way, I’ve never been a Christian Rock fan, but Amy Grant’s Christmas albums are amazingly wonderful.

One last funny, self-mocking tidbit.  When I dropped off the CD Player, I was a bit embarrassed that I waited as long as I had to service the device.  “July would’ve been the perfect time to fix it, of course.  But, no, I waited until the last minute.  I make fun of people that do this kind of shit.”  All the technician could do was nod and smile awkwardly.

Now,  I can listen to music in the house that I  want to listen to.  Remember I have children -our tastes are quite different.  I’ve rediscovered some favorites.  One I choose to spotlight at this particular moment.

John Boswell is an incredible pianist.  Unfortunately, I think he broke into the recording scene at the same time as Jim Brickman and never  received the recognition he deserved.  As far as I’m concerned, every Jim Brickman album sounds the same.  Not with Boswell.  Yes, there is a certain theme or similarity between songs on each individual album.  This is the case with most recording artists.  However, the albums sound very different.  My favorite of his is   Kindred Spirits.  However a sampling of that was unavailable.  Well there was one song available to select, but the background still was a bit … weird.  Instead I included a link to a collection of his songs.  If you just put it on background, then you don’t have to have his ‘face’ staring back at you; kinda creepy.  I realize there are ways to make it work but with my limited computer skills and lack of … interest to better myself, that’s all I’s gots to offer.  Just hit the damn link and listen. It’s really good.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3wvw7garHI

Enjoy!

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an abnormal fear of enclosed or narrow spaces

According to the Random House Dictionary that is the official definition for the word claustrophobia.  I’m sure everyone knew that and has probably experienced a bout of it sometime in their life.  My experience happened gradually over the last few months.

Lately, my house has been feeling small and cramped and, yes, claustrophobic.  Think all you want about my emotional state.  Hell, I have.  Trust me, though, I’m fine.  As far as the house, it definitely needs a psychological evaluation if not a total makeover.  It’s a modest house – two-story Cape Cod and an unfinished, quite messy basement.  Of course finishing that would add extra much needed living space, but that just ain’t in the budget.   So, since everything else has remained constant over the last few years, why this not abnormal (sorry about the double-negative) fear?

I blame my children, of course.

Or, more appropriately, the fact that my children are growing up.  Yes, this is all good; everything progressing as it should.  But,holy shit! How and  when did this happen?

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but if not, my daughter plays hockey.  Recently she had her sport/team picture taken.  When deciding on which package to purchase, she requested a set of trading cards; just like the ’pros’.  We agreed.  They’re way cool and very fun.

So, anyway, she brought them home from practice and showed the family.  When I looked at her stats on the back, I totally freaked.  To see that your baby-babe is now over 5’6” and an adult weight -if I posted her true weight she would kill me.  Well, like I said before, when the hell did this happen? By the way, she has a size 10 shoe.  And she’s not even done growing.

Not only that, but my son now towers over me.  He even wore a sweater of mine on Christmas.  Sometimes, we can’t even see that there’s actually a third child in the mix.

I told you it wasn’t me.  When I realized what this all meant, I really wondered if I was, in fact, fine.

I know, I know.  It’s not like I’m the only parent to experience this.  Hell, in a few short years the kids will be off to college and the house will be big again.  Let’s not go there right now.  How about I just wear boxer more often and call it a day?

 

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I resolve to NOT resolve

Or is it I resolve NOT to resolve?
Regardless, I just don’t do New Year’s Resolutions (NYR).  It’s so cliche’.  Unfortunately, people go crazy over these things, setting expectations for themselves that are so not attainable.  It’s like that damn Snow Day Calculator or the newest initiative from corporate on ‘how the way prescriptions are filled will change America’ or some bullshit like that.  Just another illusion that sets all involved up for failure.  Except for the vendor software provider or author of said corporate initiative, that is.
Think about it.  A guy drops off a prescription for smoking cessation medication that reeks of cigarette smoke and asks the infamous question – “Is it okay if I smoke while I’m on this?”  I’m thinkin’ his NYR will end even before it begins.
Another popular Resolution is ‘getting into better shape’.  Personally, I appreciate these intentions.  These people pay yearly membership dues and by early February cease going to the gym.  The only burden on me is dealing with these novices in designer workout gear for a few weeks.  So I just bitch to fellow regulars and wait it out.  Then I get my gym back and I’m happy.
Don’t get me wrong, I have expectations for myself on a regular basis, setting goals when faced with opportunities and/or obstacles.  I did write three novels and a screenplay.  Unfortunately, I, too, am often disappointed.  Remember, I’m still a retail pharmacist.  My dreams of having a New York Times Number One Best Seller hasn’t  happened YET.  But it will.  When it does you will all hear the rejoicing.  Hell, I’ll probably post my resignation letter.

I researched this NYR thing a bit further.  The ‘sample’ resolutions offered were passé , boring at best.  What I found interesting weren’t the success rates but the un-success rates.

A 2007 study by Richard Wiseman from the University of Bristol involving 3,000 people showed that 88% of those who set New Year resolutions fail,[8] despite the fact that 52% of the study’s participants were confident of success at the beginning. Men achieved their goal 22% more often when they engaged in goal setting, (a system where small measurable goals are being set; such as, a pound a week, instead of saying “lose weight”), while women succeeded 10% more when they made their goals public and got support from their friends.[9]

Recently I was discussing NYR with a co-worker and thought of a question.  Valentine’s Day is just six weeks away – in retail terms that’s like tomorrow.  I wondered which of the two ‘holidays’ New Years or Valentine’s Day had the greatest high expectation – low yield / disappointment stats.

Any thoughts?

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Christmas Carols for the Mentally Challenged

I know I posted an abbreviated version of this last year.  It was so well received, that I decided to include the entire list this time around.  The original title was Christmas Carols for the Mentally Ill, but that bothered me because Ill  looked like the Roman Numeral III.  I actually searched for versions I and II to see how the lists were different then realized that I, myself, was ’challenged’.  That right there should have it’s own Christmas Carol.

Schizophrenia – Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder – We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia – I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas



Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and . . .



Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why

Attention Deficit Disorder — Silent Night, Holy OOOOOOOOh look at the Froggy, can I have chocolate, why is France so far away?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder — Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bell …

*author unknown

PS – my daughter got that Snow Day she wanted

 

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The weather outside is frightful and

it’s only the beginning of December.

In the last week there’s been at least five, if not more, Winter Weather Advisories.  One was actually a Gale Force Wind Advisory.  I’m not 100% sure what that is, but I’m thinkin’ it’s bad.  All I know is that it was damn cold and really windy.   My kids were, and continue to be, extremely disappointed none of these advisories resulted in a snow day.

“But I need a break,” my daughter insisted when I countered that Christmas vacation was less than two weeks away.  Yeah, well so do I, kid.

So, she did what every other Traverse City Public School child did before bed countless days in a row - threw ice cubes down in the toilet, slept with a spoon under her pillow, and wore her pajama bottoms inside out.  Yes, it’s harmless and fun.  However consoling  them the next morning when school ISN’T cancelled does tend to make a parenting challenging.

Oh, I forgot to mention there is now a Snow Day Calculator ( www.snowdaycalculator.com ).  All you do is plug in your zip code, number of snow days this year, and type of school.  The accuracy is astounding. (note- sarcasm)  Since no snow days have been used yet, the probability of a snow day is increased, of course  - like to 99%.  Try rationalizing that to an already excitable child. Certain ’technologies’ just set you up for disappointment and  failure.

The Weather Channel is having a field day with this early winter blast thing.  I still can’t stand that whole naming winter storms.  In case you are wondering, Electra is the last storm. Apparently it’s the ’Witches Brew of Winter’  Like I said last year, it’s just dumb.

However with Christmas just weeks away the snow is wonderful.  It just wish it wasn’t so cold so fast.  The wind chill is like -10 degrees.  That’s brutal.  Did I say this is only December?

Well, it could be way worse.  Take Redfield, New York – 50 inches of snow in just 24 hours.  That’s crazy.

Also, it gives me a reason to include this clip.

http://movieclips.com/c6BL-elf-movie-snowball-fight/

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DOUGHNUTS – THE OTHER WHITE MEAT

This is a bumper sticker I’ve seen around town that caught my attention. And, it’s all true.  If you’re talkin’ protein maybe not, but… .

Anyway, I have two staple favorites but they’re  from different establishments.  Why wouldn’t they be from different establishments? First of all, it’s me AND secondly its doughnuts.  Once you find the right doughnut at the right place … well there’s nothing left to say.  Though there are times when I deviate from the norm.  You know walk the wild side, especially in the fall when pumpkin is involved.

Favorite number one is a yellow caked with chocolate frosting from Potter’s Bakery in town.  Fanny and/or Marie always make sure to give me the one with the most frosting and the best sprinkles.  Christmas sprinkles really make me happy.  By the way, milk goes best with this doughnut.

My other ’go to morning binge’ is a nutty doughnut from Oleson’s.  This has become my more frequent fix because the store is located right next to my daughter’s school and it is on my way to work.  The Morning  Scramble* is usually tight.  Besides, nutty doughnuts go best with coffee.  Which is more of the norm for the morning anyway.

Now the reason for this rambling -

A few days back, I was having a rough morning – I slept shitty, I had to go to work , and I was pissed about having to deal with something I didn’t want to deal with.  A doughnut was definitely in order.   I usually eat my doughnut BEFORE I get into work.  I like to enjoy my doughnuts, eating them uninterrupted.  Being caught in mid-bite by some old hag waving a prescription in your face can really kill the moment. If you know what I mean.  Since it was a rough morning, there was no time.  So I gathered my things and made my way into the store.  However, as I rounded the aisle, the unthinkable happened.

My doughnut fell out of my bag, landed on the floor, and rolled at least ten feet in front of me.  Yes, I wanted to cry.  Actually I think I did, but I was too sucked dry to shed a tear.  So I did what any pathetic, broken man would do – I swore a lot.  Then I picked it up and tossed it back in the bag.  After I settled in the pharmacy and caught my breath, I sighed heavily.   None of that diaphragmatic breathing shit here, folks.  I sighed big time.  Then I stared at the doughnut, reliving the horrid scene, thinking about the filth that was ON THAT FLOOR.  I sigh again.  ”Fuck it,” I said and I ate the damn thing in four bites.  Yes, I tried to brush it off a bit, but realized it really didn’t matter. Worse things have happened.

There you have it,  my semi-humorous doughnut anecdote. I do have one last bit of doughnut news to share.  Down in Clare, MI there was a bakery ’icon’ that was struggling; weeks from closing.  Nine of the local police officers banded together and saved the establishment, renaming it  Cops and Doughnuts .  Check it out.  I can guarantee it’s probably a  safe  bet.

www.copsdoughnuts.com/

*The Morning Scramble is the name of the restaurant from my e-novel My Life As A Retail Pharmacist – A Fictionalized Memoir.

 

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Cyber Monday option – cooking sherry?

No, but more on that in a few.

Though my book  My  Life  As A  Retail  Pharmacist  -  A  Fictionalized  Memoir is of course.  So just click on that book jacket icon to the right.  Yes, it is that simple.  In fact buy two - it makes a great gift.

Now back to that cooking sherry.

My son is a huge Batman fan.  His favorite villain is the Joker, especially  Heath Ledger’s portrayal.  Don’t worry.  We’ve had numerous discussions on the true definition of  ’accidental overdose’.   However that IS NOT  the topic of this post.

A few months back he stumbled across the College Humor website and the Batman spoofs.  Fortunately he shared them with me.  These are hilarious.

Hope you enjoy them as much as we do.

Just a little Cyber Monday fun!

http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6611293/batman-interrogation

 

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Novembeard FYI

So, I was all ready to slam this stupid, annual ritual until I researched it further.  I even asked some women for help, intending on doing a semi- ‘David Letterman Top Ten List’ post.  After reading the real reason behind it – no it’s not so we men can get in tune with the ‘caveman inside’ – I’m conflicted at the approach for this post. Damn internet!
Here’s what I found -
Did you hear about No Shave November?                                                                                 (author of following info unknown)
The history of No Shave November is a bit hazy. According to Too Shy to Stop, November has unofficially become Testicular Cancer Awareness month. The lineage of No Shave November began in Australia and New Zealand. Guys would grow a mustache for the month to support prostate cancer awareness and various related organizations, and they called it Movember.
Rules -

You do not shave in November.
You DO NOT shave in November.
If you shave, you are out.
No trimming, no waxing.
No shaving can go on as long as you want it to.

Benefits -

Be part of the “in” crowd by doing what all the cool kids are doing.
Real women like real men.
Save money on shaving cream, razors and other accoutrement
Save time getting ready in the morning.

*****

Yes, trying to rationalize growing a beard to support testicular cancer is certainly noble.  Though I’m certain the majority of men doing so have no insight on the origin.  Case in point – I asked an acquaintance growing a beard his reason.  “So when I slay my deer, the blood doesn’t get on my face.”  I actually think he grunted, but I’m not certain.  We were at the gym so grunting is often heard.

Think about it.  We as men can do little to change our appearance.  Rarely does my wife even notice when I get my hair cut.  Granted some of those high-maintenance, mamby-pamby dudes – I use the term dude loosely – try  too hard to alter their appearance on a regular basis.  For the normal dude - now the word normal is used loosely -  it can be frustrating.  Year after year the only change to our appearance to look forward to  is gray hair and wrinkles.  Maybe growing a beard really isn’t that bad after all!?.

One last comment about facial hair, especially moustaches.  Entertainment Weekly said it best in a recent Bullseye entry.  “Moustaches should only be worn by Tom Selleck or 70′s porn stars.”

 

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sink or swim

I prefer to swim, of course.  Though sometimes I wonder, but let’s not go there right now. I swim  every other week as my schedule and/or the schedule at the pool permits. It’s great all-body exercise - good breathing maintainence, too.  Remember, it’s all about the breathing.

I pride myself on being a picturesque swimmer, always conscious of stroke technique. I can even breath on both sides when doing freestyle – a challenge from a friend decades ago.  It’s one of those great ‘show-off’ things because so few people do it.  Often I get bored too easily while swimming, so I alternate between the four stokes.  I’m not one that can dive in and swim freestyle for an hour.  I like changin’ it up.

For the longest time I’ve realized my freestyle kick was off.  Nothing bad, really, just a poorly learned technique habit.  During those Lawn Aqua Swim Team days  I referenced in a previous post, I was more of an upper body swimmer during practice, hating kicking drills like you wouldn’t believe. When it came to meets, I would add my ‘kick’ and actually do quite well.   Since swimming never went beyond those summer days, my kicking issues never needed to be addressed.

Until now.

So, there I was swimming along, really not thinking about a whole hell of a lot and… my kick changed.  Kinda’ through me for a loop. I stopped and did the stupid astonished-look-on-the-face, “hmm”.  Waited another minute or two and swam another length.  Since I was thinking too hard about it, I fucked it up, of course.  I waited a few more minutes then continued my workout.  My new kick returned.   I’ve swam numerous times since and never looked back.  Though during swimming that would be hard, looking back and all, but you know what I mean.  Who would have thunk it, eh?  This ole’ dog CAN learn new … kicks.  Sorry, that was a really bad attempt at humor.

I know I included a clip from Caddyshack in a previous post, but this is way too funny AND applicable to pass up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Th_aBzrV37M

 

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FAUX PAS

So here’s something fun.  Considering the last post was a eulogy and the one before that was an angry rant, fun is definitely in order.

My wife went to the local library branch only to realize the annual book sale was in progress.  She returned home with not one but TWO books on etiquette.  Remember I have children.  Books on etiquette are probably a very good idea.  Besides the books were like fifty cents each and the whopping proceeds went to the library.  Though I’m certain my overdue book fees surpassed that sum already this year.

Anyway, the first book was Emily Post’s Etiquette 15th  Edition.  She is the undisputed expert in the field; the Julia Child of etiquette.  I reminded my wife that I had actually purchased an earlier edition decades ago.  I was rough around the edges and decided a little help wouldn’t hurt.  Unfortunately I never read the book, using it primarily for reference when faced with socially awkward situations.  Remember it’s me.  I’m always in a socially awkward situations.  The book either got lost in various moves or pitched because I realized it was hopeless cause.

The second book intrigued me – The Everything Etiquette Book  by Nat Segaloff.  The format is similar to those ‘Dummy’ books of which I’m familiar.  Very user friendly and not a lot of fancy words.  So I flipped through the book.  Chapter Twelve -  FAUX PAS: Etiquette Tips You Can’t Live Without caught my eye.

Eating Like A Human Being -

From what it says, “excuse me, may I have a comb for my potatoes?” IS NOT the proper way to inform your host there is a hair in your food.  Still my eating habits serve as constant entertainment for my children.  I enjoy my food.  Is there anything wrong with that?

Personal Hygeine -

I failed in this category miserably. Belching and rippin’ a good one ARE things to be proud of.  Yes, I refrain from doing either in public when possible, but sometimes it just feels right.

You Know Better Than That -

Accidental Eavesdropping.  To me there is nothing accidental about eavesdropping.  And, I am very good at it I might add.
Irritating Habits – I have none of these.  Next topic.
Unintended Insults – If only my mouth had a rewind and re-record function.
Asking Someone’s Age -   At the pharmacy we KNOW everyone’s date of birth.
Comments on Plastic Surgery – It’s amazing how people share information like this WITHOUT EVEN BEING ASKED. Women can be quite proud of certain ‘enhancements’.  If you know what I mean.

Well, that’s it for know.  I’m certain this book will stick around for awhile.  Not for it’s intended purpose, of course, but it’s ability to make me laugh.

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