Himmilicious's Blog, page 11

sometimes you've to quit..

I failed many times.. I didnt quit and kept trying because I had hope and faith that I will succeed one day since "nothing succeeds like success".. I failed again.. once more try more efforts and lost once again..
My mistake was I was trying something which is actually impossible, because blindly I couldn't change my perception of following the set rules of my life that " try try try and fail but don't fail to try.." And "A quitter never wins or a winner never quits" or may quote " there is nothing called IMPOSSIBLE because itself it says I M POSSIBLE" such quotes and prejudices do not fit everywhere..
..in the pursuit of achieving something I wanted, I made efforts more than it was required, spent resources, emotions, time, and every best possible techniques at my wits end to succeed because of the "obsession to win" but I failed every time I worked harder..

Well, this obsession snatched everything gradually and I didn't notice, or say I avoided to see that I'm losing eventually, everything.. Everyone..

I should have kept open mind and realise, I'm drilling the rock to get water, maybe the rock camouflaged to be a fertile ground or I was blind to trust, avoiding the apparent outcomes..

That's why I say, I'm the dumbest idiot i have ever seen and I'm the most hardworking and dedicated learner I have ever experienced.. Eh.. Too metaphorically I ranted here the philosophical epic verbose none gonna get through..
Maybe that's why I am single, unmarried, self obsessed drama queen trying to cuddle and make others giggle in uncontrollable mirth because I have lived a loyal relationship and got cheated, keep too high expectations from a man hence without keeping space for negotiations, I speak truth and have nothing to hide, and because I know when someone is emotionally shattered or is simply sad, one doesn't need piles of suggestions and solution, evaluation and speculation of faults and errors but needs someone to listen how much it hurts.. How it feels to get hurt.. And to answer just a simple question "why it happened with me? I was right and didn't do wrong!!!"
I be the "because" for someone's "why" for I know the hurt has the answers but not the courage to accept it..

I've seen worst, faced worst, seen unexpected incidents and grew up prematurely and that's why I keep it silly as nothing is as pleasurable as being a fool.. Knowing nothing.. It's not that simple as I want.. Nay, ain't necessary if I'm a finicky with Truth
, dedication and loyalty types 'one man' woman fixation, the others must be like me.. I should keep my skull open too and accept, that I'm nobody..

Also, I'm ready for more worst not because I'm aforementioned idiot of highest order but because I've seen people who stood by me dealing with their problems, in disastrous situation than I'm, and because to do, undo, redo, learn, realize, understand, unlearn and relearn is the journey through the purgatory called THE LIFE!!

Anyways.. Happy Sunday ahead!!

The best couple in reality

Exactly A year back, I was sitting in my bed - sad because I could not attend my One and only Rockstar besti's marriage with one of the cutest girls I have ever seen in my life.

A relationship of tom and jerry, yeah that's what it is.. probably somewhere I have learnt what's love and a committed relationship means, well it simply means KAMA and ADITI to me. The Best couple I have ever seen, ever felt, ever admired and witnessed.
The panju beauty and mallu beast..
I am just a mediocre unknown writer connecting virtual people and making them fall in a kind of love where the promise of staying together means NO MATTER WHAT I'LL STAND BY YOU IN GOODS AND BADS. A relationship where fights occur just to own each other, to be together. For me that real love is you both in flesh and fat and a freaking 6ft long bones..
Rarest of the rare women are like my punjabi kudi ADDU who stick by a man for a decade with a determination in heart to give a real shape to a fairy tale and The man who stood up to his promise and played equal part in shaping the dream of love. KAMA  the mixologist who had been a guide, a support, an unknown motivating inspiration for years for me to become a fictionist.. for what I'm known for, an erotic romance writer, for guiding my pen to stop never, for dealing all my craziness with patience, and for being the first reader of my first erotic fiction.. for teaching me love and for being there at midnight so that I can make my first love feel special..with no expectations in return.. nothing, except my happiness.  I have grown up to a working woman from a plumped college girl,  And could have done nothing without you Daa!!!
Can say If I had someone after my dad to help me learn relationships and friendship, It's K.M.KAMA who apparently did nothing but had been the only one to stand by all my good and bad decisions to pick me up when I fall.
A mere thank you or congratulations wouldn't be enough, ergo I bow down in front of my inspirations and promise that my first erotic romance in print would be dedicated to you both.
I gift you my writing forever my dearest friend and his beautiful soul.
I had nothing else more precious than this, my existence..

Wish you a very happy marriage anniversary, with all my blessings and everything I had..

Keep inspiring me by RISING IN LOVE, supporting me like elders and holding hands like forever there.

Love you guys. . A lot!
.. Golu

The Occult Of Love

to: ankursri08@gmail.comdate: 6 July 2014 15:45subject: Make love to me sri..
आपसे बहुत प्यार करती हूँ और हमेशा करती रहूंगी। मेरी बदतमीज़ी के लिए माफ़ कर देना खुद तकलीफ में थी आपको भी दर्द ही दे सकती थी।आप ही मेरा वो सुकून हैं जहाँ सारे दर्द ख़त्म हो जाते हैं सृ।
चीज़ें ठीक नहीं होती हम बस उनपर मिटटी दाल कर आगे चल पड़ेंगे लेकिन ज़रा सी चिंगारी से सब जल कर राख़ होजाता है और बार बार फिर से शुरू करना हम दोनों के लिए मुश्किल है।
मुझे एक आपके ऊपर अँधा विश्वाश करना है और जबतक पुराना जाला नहीं ठीक होगा नई परत कैसे आएगी?
और ठीक होगा कैसे जब तुम आग और मैं घी हूँ?
1 पेस्ट्री, 2 अंडे और 1 किस के बदले तुम्हे अपना विश्वास दिया था और दो झुमको के बदले तुम्हारे सामने सर झुका कर सबकुछ दे दिया था, वोही रिश्ता चाहिए..कल रात जो बात हुई, आधी नींद में मैंने सुना आधी नींद में तुमने कहा, रात एक दुसरे की बाहों के बिना नहीं कटती, लेकिन तुम हमेशा लड़कपन में रहना चाहते हो और ये भी चाहते हो मैं तुम्हारे लड़कपन को समझू, ये भी जानते हो की माँ और बीवी में ख़ासा फर्क नहीं है और ये भी मान चुके हो मैं नासमझ हूँ।
तुम अपने पापा से लड़ते हो क्यूंकि वो गलत हैं, मेरे माँ बाप को कोसते हो मेरी गलत परवरिश के लिए, सारी दुनिया को गाली देते हो Hypocrite होने पर और तुम भगवन से शिकायत करते हो तुम्हारे साथ अन्याय करने के लिए!
मैं सिर्फ तुम्हारी शिकायत तुमसे करती हूँ तुम्हारे ही सीने से लगकर।
तुमने मुझे बहुत आहत किया है चोट पहुंचाई है बेईज्ज़ती और नीचा दिखा कर (ऐसा मैंने नापा जो मुझे लगा शुरू से लेकिन आपके लिए 100% सही था और उसमे कुछ गलत नहीं था) और मैंने भी आपको बहुत कुछ बोला और तकलीफ दी (जिसे आपने बेईज्ज़ती नाप और मेरे लिए वो मेरी तकलीफ बताने का हिस्सा था)
आपने कहा की आप बड़े है और इस जिंदगी में बहुत एक्सपीरियंस है आपको दुनिया देखी है आपने और दूसरी तरफ आप कहते हैं की आप बड़ो की इज्ज़त उनकी उम्र के लिए नहीं करते.. क्यूँ नहीं चुपचाप अपने पापा या किसी भी बड़े की बात का विरोध क्यूँ करते हो की बातों का विरोध क्यूँ करते हो?
मेरे पेरेंट्स ने मुझे गन्दी परवरिश दी है, 40 साल के बाद एक औलाद हुई, बहुत लाड से पाला है, एक लौती हूँ जो है मेरा है, तुम्हारी तरह भाई बहन से शेयर और सैक्रिफाइस करने की ज़रुरत ही नहीं पड़ी, अच्छी तालीम और वातावरण दिया है और वो संस्कार भी हैं जो एक अच्छी बेटी में होने चाहिए। शायद यही वजह है सृ की आपको एक ऐसी लड़की मिली जो ना सलीके से कपडे पहनती है, समाज में एक सभ्य नाम और इज्ज़त रखती है, रात को डिस्क जा कर दारू पीने की जगह किताब लेकर पढ़ती है या तुमसे फ़ोन पर वक्त बिताना चाहती है और शाम को 6 बजे के बाद इसीलिए नहीं निकलती क्यूंकि उसकी आखों में पापा का डर और माँ के लिए चिंता है। (ये तो पता ही है न सृ की बड़े का डर निकल जाने पर क्या होता है?)
मैं दुनिया को नहीं कोसती मुझे नहीं समझने के लिए मैं सिर्फ इसलिए परेशान होती हूँ क्यूंकि मुझे comfort zone की आदत है और दिक्कत होती है किसी चीज़ की शुरुआत में।
2 बार ऑफिस में ब्लैकआउट हो चुका है बीपी लो की वजह से और फिर भी किसी को नहीं पता क्यूंकि मैं खुद मैनेज कर लेती हूँ और हमेशा करूंगी।
मैं भगवान को कभी नहीं कोसती बल्कि जब एक्सट्रीम पेन में होती हूँ और तुम नहीं होते तो उसी की शरण में जाती हूँ
हम दोनों की आदत है सच नहीं सुन पाते चुभता है, मैंने 1000 बार कहा है की मैं बच्ची नहीं हूँ लेकिन तुम मेरा बचपन वाला प्यार हो और तुम्हारे सामने मैं नहीं बदल सकती। मुझे वोही चाहिए तुमसे की तुम जिद पूरी करो तुम्हे प्यार करने की बेपनाह..तुम बहुत कीमती हो मेरे लिए क्युकी मेरे अन्दर की सारी भावनाओं के एक मात्र locker हो जैसे की मैं तुम्हारी।मुझे तुमसे कोई उम्मीद नहीं सिर्फ इसके सिवा की तुम हमेशा मुझे प्यार करो और मुझे अपने से अलग ना करो क्यूंकि सृ के बिना हिम्पू का कोई अस्तित्व नहीं है और हमारा प्यार बहुत गहरा है।अगर रूप रंग पैसा डिग्री social status चाहिए होता तो आज ये मेल नहीं लिख रही होती सृ।
ये सब है मेरे पास, एक तुम को खुद को सौंपना चाहती थी।अब तो लिख लिख के भी कुफ्त होने लगी है एक ही बात, और तुम नहीं समझ सकते या फिर समझ सकते हो तो मान नहीं सकते।मैंने तुम्हारे सामने हथियार डाल दिए थे और बहुत बार पहले भी डाले हैं, मैं लड़ नहीं सकती और थक चुकी हूँ, शांत होना चाहती हूँ और बीमार नहीं होना चाहती शारीरिक और मानसिक तौर पर। एक बेहद खूबसूरत ज़िन्दगी सबकी ख़ुशी के लिए तुम्हारे माँ पापा दीदी सिम्मु और छोटे हन्नू को हमेशा खुश रखना चाहती हूँ और ये चाहती हूँ की मेरे मम्मी पापा के बेटे बन जाओ, वैसे नहीं जैसे अपने घर में हो बल्कि वैसे जैसे मैं हूँ तुम्हारे दिल में, Princess।
मैं माफ़ी माँगना चाहती हूँ गलत बोलने के लिए!
और ये चाहती हूँ की आज तक मैंने आपको जितने भी मेल किये हैं उनका प्रिंट निकाल कर एक बार ये ज़रूर evaluate कर लेना की आज मेल में क्या नया लिख दिया जो पहले कभी नहीं कहा?बताना ज़रूर जान, क्या है hypocrisy? और क्यूँ आप बड़ो के तजुर्बे को सिरे से नकारते हैं चाहे वो पापा हो या प्रदीप सौरभ!मैंने फिर सर झुकाया है और माफ़ी मांगी है, surrender कर चुकी हूँ, नहीं लड़ सकती थक गयी हूँ, अन्दर से.. और हार गयी हूँ तुमसे मैं नहीं समझा सकती आपको अपनी फीलिंग्स हूँ।क्यों अब भी ये सोच रहे हो की मैं गलत हूँ और जो तुम करते हो कहते हो और सोचते हो वो सही है? मैं हार चुकी हूँ सृ, अब तो तलवार नीचे कर लो या मेरी झुकी हुई गर्दन काट दो और अपने ही सामने मार डालो..ये मेरा तुम्हे आखरी ख़त था, अगर 0.00001% भी शक हो की आगे फिर दो powers टकराएंगी और वो बस की बात नहीं है संभालना तो सिर्फ एक message कर देना Love you forever का और चले जाना.. मुझे कोई शिकवा नहीं होगा तुमसे क्यूंकि तुम्हे सबसे बरी कर दिया है और बहुत ज्यादा प्यार करने लगी हूँ पहले से..और अगर लगता है की मेरा विश्वास जीत सकते हो और सारे तकलीफे दूर कर सकते हो तो बस कल मिल कर बाहों में भर लेना बहुत महीनो से सोयी नहीं हूँ तरसी हूँ तुम्हे छूने के लिए बस मुझे शांत कर देना..एक request है बस कोई options नहीं दिए.. सब तुम्हारी अपनी इच्छा है पूरा वक़्त लो, जैसा ठीक लगे वैसा करो..वापस आने का फैसला हो तो या अबकी मेरे हो जाना या फिर मुझे अपना बना लेना हमेशा के लिए, मैं वैसे ही तंग करुँगी सृ, मैं बिलकुल तुम्हें बाँट नहीं सकती, तुम पर सिर्फ मेरा हक है, मेरा trust जीत लो please एक future सोचा है 80 साल तक का... तब भी तुम्हारे सीने पर थक कर गिरना चाहती हूँ..Take your decision sri and please don't do hurry take your time extra time too.. lets rest in peace our fights.I'll honour your decision and will always be there whenever you need me. I love you. Shall wait for all the answers I asked above, who's the biggest hypocrite what's seniority and experience and many more...Miss you

The Occult Of Love

from: Himadri S <himmilicious@gmail.com>to: ankursri08@gmail.comdate: 6 June 2014 19:01subject: :(mailed-by: gmail.com


A woman is just the shadow of her man..Bahut maheeno se andar fasa hua tha aaj nikal gaya.. tumko hurt karke bhi takleef mujhe hi hui. Tumhari kasam Aaj bahut dino bad ro di kyunki tumse aaj bhi jhooth nahi bol skti. Cannot fake anything in front of you and was always in the purest form of innocence with you. Thats why gussa love hate laugh tears each emotion was true. Nhi chahti mujhe rote dekho.. I am the strongest woman to fight the world and my strength was you.
I win the world and surrender in front of you.U hv alwyz luvd me like a doll don't see be broken and weak.
I grew up in your protection, meri zid hi tum the. Dard bhi tum marham bhi tum.. You made me like a baby for you, tumse dard mila to tumse naraaz hokar chali aayi aur gum ho gayi.. Tumko hi dhoond rahi hu bheed me..  I was your reflection sri. I am the product of your purest emotions. That's why I was always immature and impractical for you.
I am very scared wolves are ready to eat me isliye job chhod diya.. That's why I always said kucch bhi ho Jane mat dena mujhe.
Your hate and your anger won over your love. 30kms was miles far for me you know it i always wanted you near. Aaj bhi seena aur hath taraste hain tumhare chhoone ko..
Now I understand why papa never let me work.. He loved me just like you. Only purpose of his life is to keep me protected and happy.
Tum sahi bole.. Cheezein bahut kharab ho gayi aur ab shayad theek na ho.. We tried a lot forgetting everything but this time I broke because you stepped back to hold me when I fell down.. I don't blame you but your 'practical decisions' and 'normal actions' broke this impractical kid and abnormal girl. I'm strong undoubtedly and will never fall apart but it was just you.. I am your reflection sri. Even in my worst form there will be a worst part of you too..
I'm the kid inside you left alone in crawlers to complete the journey.
Yes I left you and even if you're there to support you won't be there to love. How to repair a broken glass without leaving scratch? 
Whatsoever I said.. You know everything already..Gam sirf ek baat ka hai babu.. Sabse kamzor neev par chot kyun ki, ki to mujhe ladkhadane se sambhala kyun nahi, tum hi sambhal sakte the tootne se kyunki tum hi sabkuch ho mere, aur gaye to aansu ban kar kyun gaye.  Ek muskurahat chhod jaate. "Tumhein paane ki chahat me Maine tumhe kho diya aur tumne poor tarah se mujhe paakar kho diya" :(Galat modh pe hath chhoot gaya himpu ka..

The Occult of Love

to: ankur srivastava <ankursri08@gmail.com>date: 31 December 2013 23:33subject: Happy New Year 2014
Sri..
I called you up in day time to say all these things and talk to my nannu, but you seem disinterested in talking to me and Ankit was also there. And as you know, I am a woman of words, I may better and honestly express in text than verbal conversations. It may mean nothing to you but for me, this means a lot..
I know this is really a very long letter, but so does my feelings and our relation, Long, Of a life time, we lived in almost two years..So I want you to take some time, when you are not angry, not frustrated and with a happy and positive mind.

The year has ended and so does many other things between us which I have never imagined and never expected. I had imagined the most beautiful life in your arms and undoubtedly lived it many times. Indeed I have tears in my eyes while writing this letter to you but smile on my lips because these good memories are framed forever in my heart. Read it some twenty years later and laugh that there was a “gulabi toti’’ with meena kumara complex who loved you a lot.. I am sure, you will smile, and that smile, when you miss me, means my existence..
You are reading this in new year and I want you to smile with me and live all those moments for once, I have made sure that you feel no “negativity” In this letter and I believe you will take my words in good faith..
Remember when the first time you took me to Haus Khas and we explored the place. I felt myself so lucky to have you. The way you held my hands while climbing those rocks, walking along the lake and you shared all your future desires with me, I have dreamt my whole life with you..Each time we visited, your demands to make love then and there only. Taking me to the corners and kissing me. The confidence to manage everything if someone sees us.
Your heroic nature to protect me from everything and from everybody, even if you are scared of monkey of haus khas village :) Coconut milk from Navaidyam an walking small steps behind you, holding your hands, like a baby..
These Small things are part of the beginning of my life..

Winters.. when your concern is my chilled hands. To protect my ears from cold wind. To make me eat hot “ispling lols” and always saying “beemaar padogi to mujhe mat bolna .. nannu tabiyat kharab hai, main kuchh nahi karunga fir” before purchasing me Ice cream but smiling later to see me enjoying the ice creams.
Summers when I used to walk in your shadow and the first thing I needed is ac..
Our long drives, the most loved moments, your craziness in the car, that bj pull, DND flyover, rain and proposing you..
I have always desired and dreamt that you will propose me someday, there, in the same way I kissed and proposed you on DND..
When in rain we walked in same umbrella and because you occupy more space I used to walk in front and sometimes you put your hands on my shoulders and walk :)
My life.. to eat by your hands.. and to demand everything. I loved purchasing small things with you, ear rings, bangles, fundoo goli J 
I never asked for anything from anyone the much I have asked from you.. not even from my father because you were mine, I believed everything you do, is for me.
You were the only person I loved a lot and imagined my whole life with. I always felt Like your biwi when I used to sit with you in your baby baleno.
I loved to tease you.. to tickle you and to make you smile.. to laugh with you.. to hold your hands and walk. I felt protected holding your hands, strong and complete.
I have always been a tough girl in my life but with you I was the most emotional and sensitive girl because you always loved me like your child like your own baby. You have made my habit of being loved in that way only.
I have never though bad for you. you were always in my prayers and you will always be.
When we made love.. it was just you and I.. Our passion.. Those pleasurable moments and numbness were most beautiful. Your chest. You know many times, I tried listening your heartbeats and tried matching with mine.. J
Teasing you in towel, our days spent in your home strengthened our bond.
Our bond was so strong that nobody could break it but we ruined it ourselves, even if we deny that it is the same, you also know, we have crossed the borders and said such things to each other that gave many ugly moments but let’s forget and delete them all one more time..I couldn’t understand what has happened to you. Was it somebody’s curse or the negativity of other people that affected the beauty, but see, there was nobody else.
You were just perfect.  Remember I have always admired and respected the sense of your art. I said Once, “I feel lucky to have such an artistic person like you”
I have always respected you; It is just, you couldn’t see in that way, but yes, I am sorry for the things I have said. You are The most beautiful thing ever happened in my life. The scary part of you I’ve seen scared me a lot. If you always loved me as your baby why did you hurt me so bad? I know, you don’t understand, how you hurt me, you cannot, because you were right and justified at your side, and I don’t want to talk about those painful things now, because it is all about our beautiful relation.It was your mistake or it was mine.. The stage of accusing and blaming is gone because what matters is our beautiful relationship that had been broken many time because of us, both. 
I love going to malls with you when you walk holding my hands. Whole day we talk about foods. I love when you send me online deals. You treated me like your wife. I felt so proud to have you. I always trusted that soon your movie will be on screen and that will be the happiest moment for my life. “Director Saab ki biwi” WOW..
I felt proud when you introduced me as your better half. Remember, How you used to make me giggle with your jokes and double meaning talks and I always said, “Srrrii... Aap bahut gande ho”
That time was good, when our fights were solved by kisses. You used to drive here, hug me, kiss me and every pain is gone, no matter how bad our fight used to be.
winter evening in the car, eating chat in saket, pastries, “srii yahan chalo, sri, wahan chalo, ye movie, vo movie..baau ye khaana hai, vo bhi khana hai”
 I loved you a lot sri.. I love this name "sri" you became the only purpose of my life.. my smile my tears my everything and I dont feel sorry even if you say I was jobless and had nothing to do except suffocating you because I know how badly I wanted to be with you..
To sleep every night in your arms. To kiss your cheeks,to take care of you.
Remember in winters we used to have soup and patties at hpmc and those sweet corns and amrood. When I used to bring lunch to your office. I remember that day and love it when we had chhalli at road side.
Slowly I was accepting everything, It’s not even 2 years but I learnt many things in your behaviour, even in arrange marriage, It takes time. Nobody taught me to deal with you, you are different from other people but I tried my best. I used to cry because I get scared and I feel helpless that I couldn’t make you happy. It wasn’t drama or any meena kumara complex.It was just, I was sorry to annoy you, even If i never wanted but....
When you scold me at everything I even accepted it. I was happy because it was you at the end who loves me a lot. Every night who used to need me..
To swear I say, I was never angry with you. Every time I just felt bad even if you abused me.
Because I knew,you were never like that.. trust me, in recent months I have lost my nannu somewhere. you lost interest in me, the time you used to spend with me, now you don’t need me, and It’s okay, I understand it’s men’s nature.. My nannu was so confident so positive and so adorable, even if he had problems, he used to smile and say “ Koi nahi yaar sab ho jayega” and I always kissed your eyes and said,’’ you are the best”
I promised myself never to leave you no matter what. I have always dreamt ourselves old and loving and fighting too “Buddha budhiya”
We still have so much understanding. Why do you think we don’t understand each other.My touch on your back or in your hair. You, holding my cheeks. When you hold my potu and fall asleep. Asking every night “aja ghush ja potu mein”When you are not well and I bring chocolates for you. When I eat icecream. This is our love.
I get angry when you drink and when you are angry when I don’t take care of me...
Above all when we cook for each other.
I did my best to make you smile, wearing unmanageable saree to surprising you.
You were never the person to disrespect food but see what happened you didnt care I cooked for you and we fought over eating same plate or you had problems hand feeding me.. I felt bad. Many dreams broke sri..
I have always respected and appreciated your nature of taking responsibilities, because that’s what you are, the most responsible person i have ever seen after my dad. You are not careless, you take care of every one and above all you respect others. You are the same person who offer seat to old lady, so polite that every new person who meets you falls in love with you.. How come you became so abusive and rude babu? This wasn’t you. Anything was acceptable, your anger was right but I was sure, you cannot disrespect and abuse anybody.. Ask yourself shonu, am I wrong?
I understand that I am at fault many places and I couldnt understand unspoken words but I was your shon chiraiya and gappachhikku cannot understand anything na.. she is your kid. Aaja beta.. She can never grow up with you. and you know this.
This is the way you loved her, this is the way you pampered me, an I love it, this is i wanted whole my life, that you be the only one who love me like this.
You said in the starting of our relation, “When I am there you need nobody else in your life” babu, I really didn’t need anybody else except you, but I failed to make you understand this.
I lived many memorable moments. All our pictures. Cp means you to me. Noida means you to me..saket means you to me, even my writing means you to me.. I have been too much dedicated and loyal to you. Wengers and your craze for mutton patties. Me and pastries. Tumhaari badmaashi, chicken bol kar mutton khila dena.
This was our love.. for me it always be.
I apologise for hurting you unintentionally. The things I said was all pain that I felt by your behaviour and rudeness, you have given my place to everything else, that was my right.
I understand everything has changed.. I felt that so deeply. even when I called you up in the afternoon, I didn’t have cold, I was crying, because I was missing you but I couldn’t express because you I didn’t feel the love and want for me in your voice, Even you said by yourself many times. Sri wasn’t the one to change his password just because I objected something, Sri wasn’t the one who could spend weeks without me and it hardly mattered to me, Maybe I am wrong.
I am gone from your life for your happiness. You asked for your happiness and peace of mind this is the thing I can give you. Be happy with your friends, enjoy the life at your best. All my best wishes and blessing for this new year.We were just made for each other. This was our love. These fights were nothing but the frustration of not having each other. Not able to see and touch each other.
Sri,  you were my life babu and I loved you a lot that I have isolated myself to be yours only. You are very matured sri, you understand things perfectly, I know you can do everything in your life and even you are perfect person to handle any relationship. You will be the perfect husband, the perfect father, the best brother and the perfect son.
I don't know you understood my feelings and dedication but doesn’t matter now..
All I want you to be happy even if you like someone else or you have your work.
Just never speak about other women to any woman. No matter how open minded she is the more you speak about other women the more the trust loses. You know this better than me.. Remember you told me this thing.
You are good and it is not that I lost trust on you but it made me insecure. I couldn’t afford to lose you and it hurts me..Because you were the most precious things I had..Life was much more beautiful, when the solution of our fights were just your tight hug, 2 slices of bread omelette, and a passionate kiss, maybe that’s all I needed.. Not throwing each other out of lives and move on, this wasn’t our relation, our “connection”
I just want you to forget all bad part of our relation and remember what beautiful moments we spent. I am sure that is much more to forget every fight and hurts.
The way I used to speak in baby's voice.. Make faces.. and bread omelette just remember that..
For me your hug is my heaven..God bless you sri.
Take care of maa..
And be good because you are the best.
Don't lose anyone else due to unnecessary anger I know you'll understand what I mean to say.. Even if you didn’t like this mail, or you have lost feelings for me, just don’t insult it, and always remember the good moments we spent together.
have a very beautiful life ahead with whomsoever you want..I'll always pray for you bau..
Be successful.
Take care
You shon chilaiya, laaja beta, gappachikku, katalbilol, hocus pocus – himpamiya..

Let it be

Woke up early, and sitting idle on my bed for past an hour.. bit of surprise, bit of wonder, bit of smile and a bit of memories..
Filtering my past, looking at my future, smiling at my present..
Decided to forgive, forget, and stop being someone I never was.. an angry soul with list in my heart.. neh, So far, all intense incidents made me what I am today.. I am born to spread love, laughter and happiness.. Had been a Giver, a provider not a consumer, taker..

Because at the end of the day we have to learn and we all learn something in different manner at different time.. 

Like I say, every end is a new beginning to start a journey and reach to the end, no matter how painful it had been, if at the end you've something in hand, you didn't lose..

Taking birth isn't easy, it is painful, messy, bloody, and a return of melted form of you from furnace.. Now mould yourself the way you want.. life is long, it is yours, and well, once gone it never comes back.. The time :)

"To Live, Let Go, let live, love, laugh, and learn is life" - himadri

बस एक पल

एक पल तेरे काँधे से सर टिकाया था अभी,
एक पल जिए थे हम सुकून-ए-कहकशाँ बन के,
एक पर तेरी यादों से की अठखेलियाँ,
एक पल मरे हम बाकायदा मर के,
ये फालसा भी क्या फासला हुआ,
एक पल रुक गया खिजाँ बन के,
गर्दिश में किरकिरी सी भटकी हूँ मैं
एक पल थम गयी मैं तेरे अश्कों में भरके,
कल सुबह फिर बहम* होंगे हम दोनों,
एक पल बीत गया फिर यही उम्मीद करके..
..एक पल बीत गया फिर यही उम्मीद करके..

*बहम = इकठ्ठा

Bakchodigama

#Predicktion - I'll go Dr. Psychimmidelic Bakchodigama very soon if I don't channel my creative palpitation of thought into right and constructive direction.. else I'll waste it on facebook where comments make me go #Facepalm.. and I won't get salary for third month as well..

I think this is perfect time to go brutish and get married to an old rich dying British, divorce him and grab the alimony as well as citizenships and yatch and cruises to voyage India back and live my life being some high class divorced young female looking for corporate houses to invest money.. B) B)

International Exposure + Firangi Naam + Money + Dhalti Jawaani + Akeli Besahara Zindagi + Ready to pay for true love waali philosophy = page 3 party types best-selling before writing Novel like "Won Knight at d'coal senetor" or "I am Himmulaala" or "Thefty maids of Mr. Bhoorey" !!

इसको कहते हैं खुराफाती "वीर्य"पुत्री!! :P

Ok bye time for mwdicines.

शब्-ए-इश्क

वो हवा - मैं पानी,
देखा और इश्क हो गया..
दोनों जवां - शाम रंगीं
बोतल से हम दोनों खुले
और इश्क़ ,
झाग सा चढ़ गया..
एक कदम - दूजी जुबां
संग चलने का वादा किया
करते गए, लड़ते गए..
वो हवा - मैं पानी
था रिश्ता बुलबुलों सा
ना रुकी जुबाँ,
फलसफा चलता रहा
चले संग कदम
पर फासला बढ़ता गया..
बुलबुलों का झाग जब बैठा
नजर आई फिर अधूरी
"शब्-ए-इश्क" की बोतल
था हवा वो -पानी मैं
बोतल से खुले थे हम दोनों
मैं ना जाने कहाँ बह गयी
और आधा वो खाली सा रह गया..

[image error]

के ये सफ़र अब ख़तम हो चला है..

बस कुछ देर और जी भर के देख लीजिये हमें जानिब, के ये सफ़र ख़तम सा हो चला है

चंद लम्हों में जो समेट सको सुकून को, बस सीली हवा सा तेरा हमसफ़र हो चला है..
बड़ा टूटे थे तेरे इश्को को पाने में, टूटे दिल का मर्ज़ हो चला है..

कई ख़्वाबों को रख के बुनी थी जयमाला तुम्हारी, उन्ही ख़्वाबों की बन चादर, तेरी दुल्हन का जनाज़ा निकला है..
बस कुछ और जी भर के देख लीजिये जानिब,
के हमसफ़र से फासलों का फलसफा,
और कुछ बेआबरू से वादों का कारवां
तेरे ही दर से रुख्सत हो चला है..