David S. Atkinson's Blog, page 68

I’m Going To Skip A Guest Post For The Story Prize

If your book is up for The Story Prize, you get invited to write a guest post. Essay only, about 750 words. Here are their suggestions:

Describe your writing practice.


Describe a breakthrough you’ve experienced.


What are the most difficult conditions you’ve successfully written under?


How do you get yourself back on track when your writing isn’t going well?


What are your reading habits like?
What new story collections are you looking forward to reading? A literary touchstone (e.g., a book or books you have reread many times and return to often).
A letter to a young writer, a la Rilke.
Ten pieces of writing advice

Most of these simply did not interest me. Not their fault if that’s what their blog is, but the idea of writing a blog post about this bored me to tears. I tried to come up with a creative way of approaching this that actually seemed fun and worth reading, but they responded that they didn’t think it was right for The Story Prize blog and offered to let me try again. At that point, I just filed the emails away. Any free advertising didn’t seem worth having to write something I had no interest in, and I could think that any person who wanted that would also want my book. Knowing already how little chance my book had at The Story Prize given how things typically go over there, I just decided not to spend any more time on it. Instead, I’ll share the guest post they didn’t want here instead:

 

The Electro-Whipping was Bad Enough, but the Midwesterners Constantly Commenting “It’s Not the Volts, it’s the Ampage” Really Drove Me Over The Edge: The Most Difficult Conditions I’ve Successfully Written Under

So, what are the most difficult conditions I’ve successfully written under? I think that goes back to the time Marc Summers found that story I’d written about locking him in my toilet with a bunch of quick lime. He didn’t take too kindly to it and got his revenge using a flail made from a live 220 dryer cable, stripped to the individual copper strands, while I was trying to get through Flash-Nano.

Hurt like the dickens, and it was distracting.

Worse, he kept messing with me. I mean­­, Flash-Nano is a thousand words or less piece a day for the whole month of November. He’d hidden a pocket full of words he’d ripped out of a Webster’s Unabridged (Non Touch Tone) Telephone Lineman Repairperson’s Dictionary and, just as I was getting close to done with a story…BOOM! He’d toss a whole ton of words in. Suddenly I was in short story territory and needed to write a whole new flash piece if I was going to keep up.

It was hell.

But, I kept at it. Through all the makeshift violet-wanding, through the third-party word count overages, through the force-feeding of mustard-flavored cold instant mashed potatoes, I kept writing. Really, it’s all I could do.

No, really. Marc had a restraining order barring anything else. My hands were tied.

Did You Know Most People Spend At Least A Third Of Their Life As Ravioli?

Did you know that most people spend at least a third of their life as ravioli?

Maybe even more!

Facebook Makes Weather Confusing

Facebook makes weather confusing. Scrolling in the morning, I get confused seeing people talk about and/or post pictures about weather different than I’m expecting outside…or even what I’m looking at outside. Sometimes it’s easier and I remember that these friends live in far off places. I don’t expect my Cleveland friends to have the same weather I do here in Denver. What really confuses me are the friends I consider local. It’s easy to forget that you can have snow 20 miles outside Denver and not a hint of it inside.

20 miles makes a hell of a lot of weather difference around here.

Ever Think “That’s Way Too Healthy Looking To Be A Corn Dog?”

Ever think: That’s way too healthy looking to be a corn dog.

I’m thinking that now and it doesn’t make any sense.

Almost 400 Pages Before An Asian Person Marvels At A White Guy’s Genitals

Well, a long while after struggling through Shōgun I finally manage to make myself start the next book in the series and I’ve gotten almost 400 pages into Tai-Pan before having to suffer through yet another Asian person marveling at a white guy’s genitals. This is actually impressive. It was an endless topic in Shōgun, perhaps around fifty pages of the book dedicated to just that. This is actually an improvement.

Though, I’m starting to wonder if James Clavell can manage to write anything that doesn’t involve an Asian person marveling at some white guy’s genitals. Seriously.

The Only Response To A Rejection

I don’t give a lot of writing advice, but here’s my guideline for acceptable responses to a rejection:

 

That’s inclusive. Don’t argue, don’t insult, don’t debate, don’t persuade, don’t even thank or generally interact (absent overwhelming evidence that you were asked to respond in some way). Even positive responses are generally not welcome as far as I’ve seen due to overwhelming workloads. It won’t make the person happy. It is, on the other hand, an annoyance.

Above all, don’t send genital pictures or threaten or otherwise similarly criminally abuse editors. There’s someone doing that right now who should be charged. That’s an assault and criminal. Of course, I don’t give that part as advice as criminals aren’t going to listen to this kind of thing and aren’t operating under the mistaken impression that this is okay.

Public Service Announcement

A public service announcement for the modern times:

We now return you to your normally scheduled broadcasting.

I’m Trying To Eat Better

I’m trying to eat better. Things have gotten out of control for a while and I’m trying to be better about it before I have to go through the hassle of buying new clothes. Given my natural inclinations, it’s not proving easy.

Monthly Book Plug Post!

Monthly book plug post!

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This time almost identical to the last month!

What’s With All The Florist Spam Comments?

What’s with all the florist spam comments on here all of a sudden? They started a couple a months ago and I’m not sure where this all came from. Just various spam related to online florists. I’m used to all the standards: pornography, drugs, financial scams, all that. But flowers? It’s kind of weird.