Sandy Walker's Blog, page 8

Follow your heart

Follow your heart

How to Avoid Rescuing a Powerless Person

Last month, I shared a list of statements that helped to define Powerful People versus Powerless People. You can read the post here: Are You Powerful or Powerless?

This month, I want to continue this discussion. It is very easy to fall into the trap of “rescuing” a powerless person. Especially if you are a resourceful, helping kind of person and if it is someone you love (i.e. your partner, spouse, mother, father, sibling, best friend, etc.)

Ask yourself these questions from time to time – it will help you stay healthy in your relationships.

Am I taking on too much responsibility?

Am I becoming resentful of them for “making me” take on these responsibilities?

Am I ignoring how they treat me if it is disrespectful or inconsiderate?

Am I ignoring my needs and desires in order to “help” them?

Am I afraid that if I don’t do a certain thing, they will blowup, leave or make a scene?

Am I lying/misrepresenting the truth to “cover” for them?

Am I blaming myself or someone else for this problem (when it’s clearly their responsibility)?

Am I offering to help them without being asked?

It is actually a sign of being a Powerless person when you rescue others. It enables them to continue to be powerless and dependent while it makes you feel temporarily powerful. But it’s not real power. It’s an unhealthy dependence.

I have found these questions helpful in my own relationships. It’s so easy to see a need and try to “help”. But sometimes it becomes an unhealthy pattern that drains your energy and makes you resentful.

Have you ever experienced that? Feel free to share your comments below.

If you discover that you are “stuck” in a relationship that has this unhealthy pattern of “rescuing” a powerless person in your life, I can help you with that. Many, many people confess to me that this is happening in 1 or more relationships in their life. It can be hard to break a lifetime of what seems like a “good” thing. You may feel guilty about wanting to break the pattern – especially if you’ve been “helping” for a long time. But eventually the bad feelings that this pattern creates start to catch up to you and life becomes gray. You might even get depressed, especially if you feel that nothing will ever change. Contact me – I’d like to help you before it gets that bad. Call me at 305-781-6229 or send an email to blog (at) destinysfreedom (dot) com

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

Destiny is about WHO you ARE

“Destiny is not about what you do. It’s about WHO you are because everything you DO comes out of who you ARE.” – Sandy Walker

You are NOT a loser!

This topic keeps coming to my attention – WHY do we reject ourselves? And what can we do about it?

I realized the other day that when people are insecure it’s because they have rejected themselves internally. They think, “I am a loser. I am not worthy to be loved. There’s something really wrong with me.” They may not have those exact thoughts, but the feelings are there in some form.

People who are insecure are afraid to show others who they really are – they are afraid to be honest and authentic because they are afraid they will be rejected by others.

But the truth is, other people do not determine your value or worth. You are deciding to reject yourself based on other people’s reactions to you. This is messed up thinking! [For more on this topic, refer to the post: Stop Rejecting Yourself!]

IT’S TIME TO SHIFT!

YOU are not a loser! YOU are an amazing being! You are created to give and receive love. You are worthy of being loved – just as you are today. Who told you otherwise? Why did you believe them? Why are you continuing to reject your true inner self? Why?

Let’s go over some things you need to do to correct this. On the last post, someone wrote to ask how to stop rejecting herself. I gave a brief reply. Now let’s go into greater detail.

1. Recognize that you are rejecting yourself. The first step is acknowledgment that you are doing it. If you start paying attention, you’ll notice when you are doing this. It is probably so “normal” to you that you may not even recognize it at first. Pay attention to the things you say to yourself internally like “That was stupid!” or other critical remarks.

2. Acknowledge that this is not healthy for you. You deserve to be loved, not rejected.

3. Decide to change. You actually have to DECIDE to change – it doesn’t just happen because you are now aware of it.

4. Acknowledge to your True Self that you realize how much this has hurt you. Get angry at yourself for betraying yourself and letting yourself down. Really – let the feelings out. It might make you cry. You might need to punch something (like a pillow) or write a nasty letter to yourself detailing how much pain this has caused you. Acknowledge it. It’s a BIG deal. You’ve been rejecting yourself a long time so there’s a lot of pain there. It might take some time to process it all – or it might come in “layers” – a little today, a little next week, next month, next year. Deal with it as you see it.

5. Apologize. Yes, I mean say to your True Self, “I’m sorry for ignoring you, rejecting you and neglecting your needs. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for hating you at times. It was wrong. Please forgive me.” No, it is not crazy to talk to yourself like this – you had no problem telling yourself you were stupid or fat or other negative things. Now it’s time to apologize. Sincerely apologize.

6. Forgive yourself. Your True Self needs to say, “Yes, you hurt me, but I forgive you. I release you from the harm you caused me and I let it go.” You will be surprised how much freer you will feel after you say this. There might be specific instances you need to remember and specifically forgive. It might take some time – don’t rush it. Go at your own pace. But no matter what – choose to forgive. It’s a choice. It’s not a feeling. It’s an act of your will. Don’t hold a grudge – let it go.

7. Validate yourself. Start paying attention to your good qualities. Make positive comments to yourself – “you did that well”, “I like that outfit on you”, “you’re really a good cook/parent/partner, etc.” Be honest. Recognize what you do well. Once you forgive yourself and stop rejecting yourself, it’s a LOT easier to see your good qualities.

8. Allow your True Self to express itself to others. Start small – your family or closest friends. Be authentic. Be honest about who you are and what you’re doing. You will feel SO MUCH better doing this than you used to. Try it. Be bold!

When you no longer reject yourself, you feel secure. This enables you to share your True Self with others. And you don’t care so much how they react because if they don’t like you, you realize that’s THEIR problem, not yours. [Again, to see more about how this works, read the previous post: Stop Rejecting Yourself! It's a worth reading.]

Yes, I know it’s easy to just read all these steps. It’s a lot harder to actually DO them. But I’ll be honest and transparent with YOU now – I’ve done these 8 steps. I’m still doing them. I’ve been doing them for years. Once I realized self-rejection was holding me back, I started doing these steps. And you know what? I am so incredibly free now. I am confident. I am happy (most of the time ). I am not afraid to be myself. People can trust me because they know I am authentic – I’m not fake. This gives them permission to be authentic themselves, if they choose to. It also removes the pressure in my relationships – I’m not asking people to be anything other than themselves. People regularly tell me, “Thanks for letting me be ME.” That’s an awesome compliment to me and I don’t feel like I DID anything. I was just being ME.

This is probably a lot to digest. But since this topic keeps coming up I figured somebody needs this information – was it you?

I love to help people deal with self-rejection and become self-confident and secure. Feel free to comment below. Or you can contact me privately for coaching through my website http://www.destinysfreedom.com or via email at blog (at) destinysfreedom.com. I’d LOVE to hear from you! ♥

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

You can be as FREE as you WANT to be …

“You can be as FREE as you WANT to be. What does that look like for YOU?” – Sandy Walker

Are You Powerful or Powerless?

I’ve been reading a book by Danny Silk called Keep Your Love On. In it, he describes two kinds of people. Which one are you?

Powerless People:

I often say “I can’t” or “I have to” when describing my daily life, as in “I have to go to work”.

I am often anxious because I feel that I’m not in control of my own life.

I often say “I’ll try” because I’m not really committed and/or I’m afraid to say “No”.

My life is a mess and it’s not my fault – I’m a victim of circumstances or other people’s choices.

It’s my job to make you happy and keep everything “looking good” or running smoothly.

I feel threatened when people close to me make their own decisions without consulting me.

People have said I am controlling or domineering, but I don’t see that about myself.

I often whine and complain about my problems, but I don’t do anything to change them.

Powerful People:

I refuse to be a victim of my circumstances or other people’s choices.

I am only responsible for my own choices – not anyone else’s choices.

I don’t try to control or manipulate other people because I know it doesn’t work in the long run.

I don’t respond to control or manipulation by other people.

I learn from mistakes so I can make difference choices.

I don’t rescue powerless people – that’s not my job.

I set the standard for how I want to be treated by the way I treat others.

I don’t allow others to treat me with disrespect or a lack of consideration.

So which list of statements resonates with you the most? You might see yourself a little bit in each one.

Powerful people are not domineering. They know what they want in life and they pursue it freely – without guilt or manipulation. They know they have the power to create the life they want, to be happy and have the kind of people they want around them. When they say “Yes” or “No”, they mean it – they don’t let other people talk them out of their choices.

I don’t like to feel powerless, do you? It’s frustrating and causes a LOT of stress.

Whether you are a powerless person or powerful person is a choice you make. It is based on what you believe about yourself and others. When you change your perspective and realize just how powerful a person you are, no one can take that away from you. You don’t have to live a powerless life, unless you want to.

So – which one do you WANT to be?

The Choice is Yours

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I LOVE to help people who feel powerless become POWERFUL – it takes a little adjusting, but it CAN be done. When you make this change, you start to experience peace like you’ve never known before. You sleep better and you have more energy and confidence throughout the day. You’d be surprised how much your perspective affects the quality of your life.

Feel free to comment below. You can contact me privately through my website http://www.destinysfreedom.com or send me an email at blog (at) destinysfreedom.com.

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

Do the Right Thing: Your heart will thank you

Do the Right Thing: Your heart will thank you

Break your Ties with the Lies you Believe

FIND TRUTH: Break your Ties with the Lies you Believe. You CAN be FREE!

BE LOVED TODAY!

You were created to be loved so … BE LOVED TODAY! Just receive it …

Stop Rejecting Yourself!

Ok, let’s be honest. We’ve all been rejected before – by friends, by family, by people we loved or admired. It happens.

Guess what? It’s not your fault.

Yeah, really. I know that’s a big pill to swallow, but honestly, in most cases people reject you because of their own issues. Not yours.

Let me say that again:

PEOPLE REJECT YOU BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN ISSUES. NOT YOURS.

When someone rejects you it is a reflection on where THEY are at – not a reflection on who you are.

Except that we all take it personally, don’t we? When we get rejected, we think, “There must be something wrong with me or else I wouldn’t be rejected.”

WRONG!!!

People are generally only thinking of themselves (come on, you know this is true – because you are most often thinking of yourself, right?). When you say or do something they don’t like, they pull away or say something to reject you (i.e. “You’re stupid!” (or worse)). Why? Because they are not thinking about YOU – they are thinking about themselves. It’s all about THEM, remember?

Yeah, even your mother. Or your best friend. Or your devoted partner or spouse. It happens.

Problem is – we take it deeply personally. We think it is a reflection on our worth. It’s not.

YOU are infinitely valuable and worthy. You know this deep down. That’s why when you are rejected, you feel so bad because you expected to be loved and accepted. You know down deep in your heart that you deserve to be loved. We all do. We DO deserve to be loved. We were created to give and receive love – it’s part of what makes us human: LOVE.

So, here’s the kicker. When somone rejects us, we start rejecting ourselves. This is very, very bad. Why? Because if we don’t like ourselves, we start acting in very bad ways. Like the kid who is always trying to get attention – you remember him. In school, he was always getting into trouble. He would do things to get into trouble so that he could get some attention. Even if it was negative attention – at least someone noticed he was there (usually in the principal’s office or in detention, right?).

Anyway, when we start rejecting ourselves, we tend to start acting like that kid. We start doing things we regret. We find that we cannot stop some behaviors that we’d like to stop (like drinking or using drugs). We start hanging out with other people who don’t like themselves who also like to get into trouble because it makes us feel more comfortable. Misery loves company.

So, where am I going with all this?

It’s time to stop rejecting yourself.

It’s time to say, “This is who I am and I like me!” Start with a few friends and then your family and then tell the whole world.

If you’re doing things you don’t like – OK, admit that. “There are some things I do that I don’t like.” If you need to apologize, then do it.

But then say this to yourself – “I like WHO I AM on the inside. I am worthy of being loved! And the first person who will love me is ME.” This actually challenges others to like you too. In fact, people admire and look up to those who LIKE themselves. It comes out as confidence (not arrogance). We are drawn to confident people. They become leaders by default. People want to follow them. It just happens.

When you stop rejecting who you are on the inside, people will find it harder to reject you. Love is contagious. When you start loving YOU – guess what? Other people will too. And if someone happens to reject you, you’ll smile and have pity on them because you’ll realize, they are rejecting a good thing. They are missing out on enjoying WHO YOU ARE.

YOU ROCK! ♥

Feel free to post your comments below. If you’d like to contact me privately to help you work through self-rejection, send me an email at blog (at) destinysfreedom.com.

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach