Rae Lewis-Thornton's Blog, page 7

I Love Growing! Rae and Tiara Jewelry!

I'm proud to announce a new business venture, Rae and Tiara Jewelry. About three months ago Tiara and I were on- line looking at Statement Necklaces.  Just off the cuff I said, "We should be selling these necklaces all this money going into  looking fab! Tiara knew a way and that Sunday within minutes we had launched  Rae and Tiara.

I think this is real cool Tiara and I going into business together. I've mentioned Tiara to you on other occasions, but to refresh your memory. Tiara and I met over a year ago when I spoke at her college. She has been helping me mange the Social Media for RLT Collection and from there a friendship was forged; part girlfriend, experts say to live longer you should have a friend half your age. She keeps me young in so many ways, but our relationship is also auntie/niece and I keep her grounded. Her family has adopted me and the rest has been history.
Rae and Tiara is a line of Fashion Jewelry. While our focus is on statement necklaces we do intend to add earrings and bracelets to the line. Each price of jewelry is hand picked by both me and Tiara. Our styles are very similar in so many ways but extreme in others. For sure we both love fashion and believe that accessories will make or break your outfit.

We will feature necklaces that will range the span of age and style. Like with my handcrafted bracelet line RLT Collection, we intend to have something for every woman! On any given day you will catch Tiara and I wearing our jewelry line. We are only selling what we would wear ourselves. 
 We will have one of a kin  pieces, but mostly our pieces will range from 3-10 of one particular design. Making our fashion line affordable was important to both of us so our price range goes from $15.00-$75.00.  We wanted both college students and working women to afford our line. We launched the line a few months ago and until now you could only purchase through our Instagram account @RaeandTiara, which is how young people shop. Today we make our line available on RLT Collection's website. All the necklaces are up and ready for purchase, but I am still adding the detail descriptions. 
We are always adding new additions to the line!! Check us out HERE. And follow our Instagram account HERE!
I LOVE growing!

Losing Sophie..

Two weeks ago today I stopped living after I put my baby girl Sophie down. Like for real, for real. Honest to God, I have never felt grief on this magnitude. While I still had breath in my body, my life stood still. Sophie was a special dog that left a foot print on everyone she encountered. For a moment I didn't think that I could go on. The grief was all consuming but like with most things in my life,  I kept going in spite of the pain. So here I am, still missing my baby girl and adjusting to life without her. 

The last time I blogged was to tell you that Sophie had Liver Cancer. I thought that I had a week to find a solution but Sophie took a turn for the worst that night within hours of posting that blog. She didn't want to eat or walk and her breathing became erratic. I felt so helpless as the night progressed. The only thing I knew to do was to be as close to her as I could. She didn't want to sleep in the bed, so I made a pallet on the hardwood floor next to the big chair in my living room that she laid under. It was one of the longest nights of my life. She was restless and breathless. Every time she moved, I moved. When she got water I watched her until she was back under the chair resting. A few times she laid under my arms and then on the pallet, but mostly under the chair was her comfort zone. 
By day break with almost no sleep Sophie was struggling just to breath. My baby girl was slipping before my eyes and I didn't know how to save her. It's still hard to believe that less than a week before this day, she was barking for bacon. Determined to make the plan Dr. Gill and I agreed on work, Tiara held Sophie in her lap as I gave her each medication. She looked up with sad eyes, "No mommie I don't want it," but it was all I could think to do. 
In the two hours waiting on the animal clinic to open I prayed for a miracle as Sophie precious eyes cried, "help me Mommie, help me." I was asking for God's help and she was asking for my help.  When I finally reached Dr. Gill and filled her in on the night, I was still hoping for a solution; a way to help my baby girl. After I finished, Dr. Gill said, "You know there are only two choices and I'm not sure that she can make it through surgery.  "I know, I know" I said defeated and filled with anogny, with my baby girl next to me looking up at me, "Help me Mommie, help me." There was a pause, "Are you ready?" Dr Gill asked. Through my tears came, "yes."
Tiara and I rode in silence to the clinic while baby girl laid in my arms trying her best to catch her breath. "I'm sorry baby girl, Mommie loves you," I whispered to her. Once we arrived, Tiara and I took pictures with Sophie before I handed her to Dr. Gill to place the catheter. 
She was in so much distress, Dr. Gill looked at her, "That baby can't get her breath," she said to Sophie. Tiara stood in the corner tears flowing.  I stood over sophie lying on the table still trying to get her breath. I was so overwhelmed with grief. "Thank you Sophie for eight wonderful years," I whispered to her, "Mommie will always love you." 
Watching my baby girl die was one of the hardest things I've had to do, but yet at the same time I knew it was the best thing, most human thing. It was the last good thing that I could do for her.  




Sophie Barking For Bacon 5 Days before I put her to rest.. Her BFF Kennedy was just hanging in the cut waiting... LOL... She barked for bacon ever morning I cooked... She barked for a treat each time I had a meal, it was our routine. She was so full of life the entire 8 years she was with me. I'm  glad that her suffering was not long, but I'm sad she had to go. I miss her dearly...

Rest In Peace Sophie....

#RIP Rest In Peace  my precious baby girl... Sophie Lewis-Thornton. April 12, 2006-July 1, 2014. You were a wonderful companion.. I miss you dearly.. Mommie...

When Your Dog Has Cancer....

It felt like the life had been sucked out of me when a specialist/radiologist told me that my dog Sophie has a tumor the size of an egg on her liver. But I felt like I had been sucker punched today when I learned from the new veterinarian that I switched her to, that the tumor was actually the size of a grapefruit, maybe close to two and not an egg. I know it to be true because I saw the tumor on the xray myself.

I'm not sure how the radiologist missed a tumor this large when he performed the ultrasound on Wednesday. To add insult to injury, I  actually took Sophie to the Vet back in December for her back and they x-rayed and saw that her liver was enlarged and never mentioned it.

 I learned in April that her liver enzymes where very high and they suggested an ultrasound. I had been trying to pull the money together to get the ultrasound, then I got sick and was shut down a few weeks that's why I haven't been blogging.  But last week I decided that I needed to make the ultrasound happened because Sophie was just restless. It was  then I started selling my handbags and jewelry on Facebook. (BTW) thanks to everyone who purchased something from me; I've spent over $1200 since last week. For sure without your purchases I would not have been able to get Sophie the care that was  needed.
Dr Gill with Sophie!So here we are. A missed tumor in December and a misdiagnosed tumor just lest week. But I knew in my spirit that I need a new veterinarian on Thursday after I got off the phone with her current Vet about the ultrasound report. He just didn't seem proactive.

Thank God I followed my first mind. If I hadn't switched to Dr. Gill at Bronzeville Animal Clinic, I would have never known how advanced the cancer really is.

After speaking with me on Thursday,  Dr. Gill was on top of it, looking for solutions to shrink a tumor, at that time so we thought, the size of an egg. (based on the radiologist report on Wednesday)

When Dr. Gill saw Sophie on Saturday she was really concerned. She thought then that this tumor was really bad and put some extra medicines on board. On Monday she decided that Sophie was in way to much distress and took an xray herself to discover that the tumor is so large it has shifted all of Sophie's organs. 
Did you understand all of that? Cause it was a mouthful for sure. The bottom line, my baby girl has liver cancer and it's not good. For the last 3 days it seems to have gotten worst. She don't want to walk, she barley eats and she whines all day.

But then who would want to walk if all your organs had shifted and you have a tumor covering your entire tummy. She can't get comfortable. She's just an unhappy baby.
I've cried until I can't cry anymore. Well that's a lie, I get overwhelmed about every few hours and have a moment.  I can't wrap my brain around this. I feel like God got jokes. Like really God? 

Dr. Gill and I thought we had a plan on Saturday, but now it has been shot to hell by the size of the tumor.  Chemotherapy and radiation does not work for this type of cancer, so basically, the tumor has to come out; A surgery she probably would not survive.  
The plan today is to see if any of these medicines we got on board will give her some relief. Maybe prednisone will shrink the tumor, at least that'[s our hope.  Next week If we have not seen any improvement in the quality of her life, I will  have to make one of the most important and hardest decisions of my life; Operate or just put her under. 

When Cheetos Run Your Life...

Awwwwwwwwwww!! Knowing better don't always mean doing better! That is a freaking fact! Well, let me speak for myself, this is sometimes my truth. No matter how hard I work to be my best and to do my best, it doesn't always happen .

Since about April, right after I declared war on my fat, you remember that blog post? Well, right after that, I started spiraling down. I could feel myself falling deeper and deeper after almost two months so I told myself, "Girlllll you better catch yourself before you have to pick yourself off the floor," that is from self-loathing. Cause when I know better and I don't do what it is I know, I tend to sink way down into a even deeper mess - and then depression. I'm not sure what drives that behavior, whether it's the all or nothing Gemini in me or just some childhood shit I haven't worked through.

So I took a week off from blogging to center myself and try and figure out what's got me spending money I don't have, eating Flamin' Hot Cheetos, and half-ass working out.

My dietary intake has been so poor that I'm constipated yet again. Now my constipation is a clear message from my body. It is demanding to be treated like I love it!  Our body always speaks whether we listen or not. Of course for two months, I wasn't listening and it has manifested itself in the form of Irritable Bowl Syndrome, yet again as well as, weight gain of about 10 pounds.

I got a 101 excuses for making it to the gym only 1-3 times, (mostly 1 or none) a week and some are legitimate.

I had a really bad round of HIV related peripheral neuropathy in my legs and feet and then a bout of bronchitis, and for the last two weeks back pain that I learned yesterday in ER to be a muscle strain and inflammation. So, no CrossFit or Yoga until I get better, doctors orders.

 Now truthfully,  I can't blame my health issues on the other unhealthy behavior that has manifested itself in my life. Like the Cheetos ... and more Cheetos.  Maybe  I could argue that the surge in Cheetos was because of the decrease of serotonin in my body. I stopped taking antidepressants because they interfere with the medication I take to treat the peripheral neuropathy, so Cheetos became my drug.

On a side note, I've been on antidepressant for about 3 years straight and I went cold turkey. Now that I'm off the neuropathy medication, I'm going to stay off the antidepressants as well and give my body a break. The less medication is also the best philosophy. I'll try some other things to help me be happy, like working out.

Back to the Cheetos,  I know the week of the Rev. Charles Jenkins blog my stress level increased by leaps and bounds and so did my intake of the Cheetos. I'll be blogging about that separately because that madness took some real examination of self and others.
So here I am, I crashed with the healthy living thing. I started out doing this for my health. The combination of the Irritable Bowl Syndrome  and the menopause issues were demanding a life-style change.

The benefit was the weight lost.  I wonder though, if there was a transition in me from the most important to the  most superficial. The soul  said do this for your "inner most self," and the ego said, "get it  Diva".

The compliments fed my ego and that then  transcended into vanity and that became my purpose over and above living healthy. Vanity will fuck you up every time.

Somewhere there was a shift in my spirit and it manifested itself in my behavior. I got cocky instead of consistent. In the end, the lack of consistency led me to excuses and that lead my ego to  comfort itself, the days became soothing and self-loathing instead of working out and eating fruit.
I had to reel myself in and think back to when I started actually eating Cheetos and oh yeah, Gummy Bears, after 6 months of eating healthy. When I finally put a pin in that donkey,  I had a few aha moments. Once I had some clarity on the combination of things that caused my spiral down, I had to stop and except this space that I currently find myself and take ownership of the madness that I had created. 
I can't beat myself up, none of it can be changed. Nor can I over think it because that will lead to a  full fledged conversation in my head and then before I know it, I'll be acting on that shit and eating more Cheetos because I created even more drama.  I'm learning that the head-game is only your ego trying to justify, because the ego always needs to protect, defend and manipulate, rather than just be. 
The bottom line, I got out of my head after the aha moments. There is no need to beat a dead horse. Most importantly, I stopped eating the freaking Cheetos.

The real key is to let go of the self-loathing and just let it be. I cannot undo a thing that has been done, all I can really do is live in the right now.

And while I'm not eating Cheetos right now I do recognize that there is soot around the light that shines within me. I'll let therapy help me clean the soot from that vantage point and on the other end, I'll get a rag and cleaning solution and get to work. 
The biggest thing for me,  is that I recognized the Cheetos had taken up a life of it's on in my space.  The good news is that the Cheeots have been evicted. In the long run, it's better to clean the soot off the light that dims your soul rather, than add layers of grit on top of the soot.  

You Are Not Your Experiences....

There is no such thing as a perfect life, but I've come to understand that there are perfect moments of joy. Yet, we can miss the perfect moments stuck in the un-perfect parts of our life.

On a deeper level, we miss the perfect moments when the un-perfect moments becomes our life. We miss the goodness of life for the pain in life. It's like this, Saturday I went to the Crossfit North Regional games to cheer on the team from RiverNorth Crossfit where I workout.

When I woke up it was great day by my estimation. My bronchitis seemed to be getting better, the cough had tapered to where I didn't think my chest and head was going to explode. Overall, my health is getting back to a good place. The Neuropathy has taped off,  as well as the night sweats. I am actually getting some sleep. There was nothing  that could interfere with me attending the games.
The Crossfit competition was amazing and I was having a great time. I had watched the women's competition and was in the middle of mens competition when I felt that surge from my tummy to my behind. Without hesitation I made my way to the bathroom. I could feel the poop starting to come, as I made way to the end of the very long line. 
Without any shame, I made my way up the line, "Excuse me," I said,  "I'm about to use the bathroom on myself." The women looked up at me without any response. As the poop starting to come more rapidly, I thought it best to throw decorum out the women. "Ummm excuse me, but I'm  pooping on myself can I butt?" I didn't really wait for a response, I just my way to the front of the long line into a stall. There was a big sigh of relief as I sat on the toilet, I had made it with only a minor accident. 
I sat there long after I was finished to make sure that whatever this was had passed. As I sat there I couldn't quite figure what brought this on. It's been well over eight months since I've had any gastrointestinal drama. I shrugged it off happy that I hadn't had a bigger accident. When I was sure that  my tummy was good, I washed my panties in the toilet, wrap them in a paper towel and headed for the front door. 
I didn't know what was going on with my body and I knew that Navy Pier was not place figure it out. I had made it to the first level and was asking security for directions to the door when I started to feel that surge again. "Wheres the bathroom. I'm about to go on myself?" I asked.
As I made my way to the second toilet the poop started to surge out my behind and down my leg. "This is not going to be good," I mumbled, as the pooped surged like fire hydrant on a hot day in the inner city. When I made it to the toilet I knew this was a disaster. I rolled down my pants and sat on the toilet. Poop was dropping out of my pants onto the bathroom floor. "Oh lawd," I cried,  "how am I going to get out of this?'
When I was sure that I had finished, I took my pants off to start the cleaning process. I was not prepared for the mess that I saw. From top to bottom, my entire back of my pants were  wet and saturated in a brown substance.

"Well, at least the front was in tack," was all I could think. I started  my regular process, of trying to clean my pants with damp toilet paper, but the poop was embedded into the legs of the pants. I knew that I had to dip them carefully in the toilet to clean them. Carefully, because I couldn't get the front wet. I still needed to get home by way of taxi.  But dipping the pants in toilet was not doing the trick. This poop was grainy and not moving. So I dipped some more and all that did was make them wet and more wet and the poop was still barley moving.
Eventually I decided that I need to move on. It was clear to me that I was not going be able to clean the pants. The stench was so bad that women where entering the bathroom saying, "OMG what's that smell?" Now that bothered me, it shamed me in some way. I couldn't put my finger on it but it made me feel a certain kind of way.  Then I thought how sad, we really do want a perfect world don't we? We even want to be able to go into the bathroom that is designed to consume human waste and not be able to smell the waste. 
I cleaned the floor, balled my slacks up and took the shrug that I was wearing and wrapped it around my waist. "Thank God for this shrug," I mumbled.  When I made my way out of the stall, I apologized to the women for the smell.  I'm sorry, "I pooped on myself."
I washed my hands and started the process of trying to figure out how I was going to get home with as little of my body showing as I could. The problem was, shrugs are short in the front. I couldn't tie it, or you would have seen my vagina. 

I didn't have time to be overwhelmed I was just on a mission. I set on the floor holding the shrug closed. As women came into the bathroom I asked them for a safety pin, explaining my desperate situation. 
I was happy when the cleaning lady came, because I could  get a bag for my pants that was smelling up the bathroom as I explained my situation, so she could also sanitize my stall.
I asked everyone who came into the bathroom to no avail. Then one girl, a Crossfitter with a big backpack came into the bathroom. I just knew she had one in that big bag, but she didn't.  However,  she started brainstorming with me on how to secure the shrug. After we went around a few times with ideas,  it finally hit me, I could take one of the headbands that I had purchased in the exhibit and pull it over the top of the shrug. It wasn't the best solution but it would get me out of the bathroom and on my way home.

After I had fixed myself up, I sat back on the floor, making sure that the tummy drama had passed. A few minutes had slipped by when the Crossfitter came back with some shorts. "Will these help?" she asked handing them to me. Tears rolled down my face. I was overwhelmed and grateful for that act of kindness. I love Crossfitters because we have a spirit that says, I want you to succeed. "Are you sure I asked?" through tears. She said to me "Don't cry, just take these."
I put the shorts on, sat on the floor and called Tiara. As we were talking I started to cry again.  Tiara's sweet compassionate voice, came through, "Don't cry auntie, don't cry." In that moment it hit me that I was clinging onto the pain of my tummy drama and that opened the door for the pain of living with AIDS, which is all consuming. I then became at the moment all the pain of this disease. The pain took center stage, it became me.

In my conversation with Tiara I started watching me, I became aware of myself. I noticed that my cry wasn't one of the  joy that I had felt when the Crossfitter gave me the shorts, instead it was a cry of pain, the one that I felt when it was clear that I couldn't wash my pants in that toilet. The one that I felt years ago when my T-Cell Count was 8 and I had PCP. I almost missed the perfect moment of joy consumed by the dark moment of pain. 

Add captionI  stopped the tears in a instant and watched  the pain passed through me. Once I did that, I was able to get off that floor and leave the bathroom.  I am coming to a place of understanding that I am not the darkness of AIDS. I am the person who is watching the darkness of AIDS in me for the last 31 years.

Michael Singer argus that your sense of self is determined by where you are focusing your consciousness. The force of consciousness ends up holding the object stable simply by concentrating on it. .... 


I wonder how many of us become the pain of our journey just by simply holding onto it rather than letting it pass through us?  How many of us give the pain energy by holding it stable through our consciousness? 
Instead of holding onto the the tummy drama,  I looked it straight in the eye and saw it to be yet another experience that has helped me to grow. For sure it helped me to see the practical side of my spiritual journey. I know that while I have lots of work to do on this journey,  I am on the right path. This experience was confirmation.  I've been reading and reading, but this was the first time where the words in those books became alive in me. 
I am not the darkness of AIDS, I am the person who is watching the darkness of AIDS and by understanding that simple point I am able to watch dark moments pass through me, rather than become me. 

RLT Reads: The Invention of Wings Book Review!

I have read over half of the Oprah Book Club abolitionist in the early 1800's long before the end of slavery.  It focuses on Sarah and Ann Grimke and their family, wealthy slave owners from Charleston, South Carolina. It begins on Sarah's eleventh birthday when she is given a ten year-old slave girl Handful as a birthday gift.

While Sarah Grimke and her family are real characters in American history, the book is historical fiction, weaving the life of Sarah's family with historical facts and great creativity.

This is not your ordinary slave book. Sue Monk Kidd, gives incredible voice to Handful and her mother. And let me tell you, Handful and her mother are a handful. Sue Monk Kidd paints the slave culture with brilliance. She gives voice to feminist, as well as a glimpse into the lives of women who are living with purpose in and era when their only purpose should have been family.

Equally important she gives an historical place for two very important woman in American history. Sarah and Ann Grimke, who were abolitionist speaking to mixed audiences of male and female which was unheard of at the time. Coming from the planation class, they were received as legitimate abolitionist, who understood the horrors of slavery first hand. They were the first American feminist thinkers. Sarah was the first woman in the United States to write a comprehensive feminist manifesto and Ann was the first woman to speak before a legislative body.

The book tells a story of slave/ slave owner relationship. She gives voice to the issues surrounding slavery from a slaves perspective. She traces the complicated relationship between Handful and Sarah. There are tons of interesting twist in the book, like Denmark Vesey and his slave insurrection. She gives voice to women in and era when they had no voice.

This book is a must read, especially for history buffs. It was an awesome read that left me wanting more.


On a side bar, I am currently reading Sue Monk Kidd's, When The Heart Waits. I have been on this Seekers journey and when I watched her interview on Super Soul Sunday with Oprah  I was moved to pick it up. The book is her spiritual memoir unpacking the most important elements on her own seekers journey. I have had a lot of Aha moments. I'm almost done, and what impresses me the most about this book is how she weaves her Christian foundation and Biblical principals to inform her journey.

People Are Watching...

Other Bloggers are weighing in on the fact that I removed the Jenkins blog post yet again this morning.

People are watching.... They are watching you defame my name to protect your pastor's name and its not a good look.  Truth always stands on its on merit.... whether it comes from me, Charles Jenkins or Mundi Griffin.

 I f my blog post is untrue then Rev. Jenkins  has the power to reveal the truth. I wait. In fact, I want to be proven wrong. Why? because then I can breath with ease that  Rev. Jenkins is not that person. I want him to be better than what I think he is at this very moment. 

With that said, my post is going back up and staying up until it is proven to be untrue. I had resolved to let it go, but you can blame your hits on me today for that. Only so many times a person can be hit. I will not be bullied my the Christians at Fellowship or other church folk because they don't want to face the truth about pastoral responsibility.

 Keep hitting though, but remember my resilience. I've lived with HIV for 31 years. I was sexually, emotionally and physically abused as a child. I then self-abused and that has left me fighting for my life for the rest of my life. So remember that I take my hits standing...

I've always been the first to admit when I am wrong. ACOUTABLIBILY is everything including for me..... And by the way   It's just a fact, that no matter how horrible of a person we may find Mundi Griffin to be, there is still an underlying truth that is not being addressed.

What  I know for sure, is that accountability is everything....

I just want you to know, as you move forward in your slur campaign on ME people are watching.... Watching... watching... We can run from this... You can beat me up but, its a long over due topic that needs to be addressed from beyond this one situation, Accountability of Pastors...

 This is a blog Post from The OLD Black Church Blogspot... You can read the article HERE

Considering The Wife....

Since my blog post on Rev. Charles Jenkins and Mundi Griffin I've been giving a lot of thought to all the issues that surround infidelity. I've given a lot of thought to Dr. Tara Jenkins, Rev. Jenkins' wife.

Honestly, I hadn't thought about the impact of my blog post on her prior to posting. For sure she knew about the affair prior to my blog post, because Rev. Jenkins confessed. His confession started this process. Actually in reality, Rev. Jenkins making a concrete decision to step outside his marriage set his wife's hurt in motion.

What I don't know, and really for me the most important piece, is if any of my details were new to her. It's one thing when you are trying to reconcile within yourself and heal with one truth, to then learn that what you thought you knew was only some of what you actually knew. The healing process then takes a turn. I've always contended that you cannot heal with half-truths and misinformation. Secondly, I have wondered what additional pain have I caused Dr. Jenkins by keeping the issue of her husband's infidelity in the public my posting my blog.


Many people know that Rev. Jesse Jackson and Mrs. Jackson are like family to me and I have never spoken about the baby and the affair publicly. I have always had this overwhelming urge to protect Mrs. Jackson. That is what family is suppose to do.

I remember when the baby drama was made public. The "publicness" of the issue made it a circus. The fact of the matter, when the news story broke, it was old news to everyone in the family close circles. In fact, Rev. and Mrs. Jackson had already worked through the issue of his infidelity.

Yet, the "public" announcement of it all, created a new energy around the issue. I know I even became pissed off at Rev. Jackson all over again. It hurt me to watch Mrs. Jackson hurt.  I watched Rev. Jackson humble himself and take responsibility publicly. It wasn't about blaming for him but taking ownership. The biggest thing though was watching Mrs. Jackson. We surrounded and undergirded her, but be clear, she was never a weak woman.  In fact she is the strongest woman I know. With her faith in tote, Mrs. Jackson held her head up and walked through that fire, with dignity. I was amazed at her strength and  the fact that she always had the most profound insights. She was always looking at the bigger picture. Yet, it didn't mean that she didn't hurt.

I am sure those who love Tara Jenkins have surrounded and undergirded her as best as they can. But it does not take away the circus that surrounds the drama of her husband's infidelity, the picture and all the madness that came with it, as that was also the case for Mrs. Jackson. Support does not take away hurt, only time.

With this in mind, I am publicity apologizing to Tara Jenkins if I have caused you any pain. It was not my intent to hurt you, but to unpack the truths.

Now, I'm not seeking a response from Dr. Jenkins, I just wanted her to know my heart.

We have watched wife after wife, Jacqueline Jackson, Tara Jenkins, Gizelle Bryant,  Maria Shriver , and Hillary Clinton just to name a few, go through the fire because of their husband's infidelity, but do we ever really consider them? Do we ever really consider the wife?

I ask this because I have watched the Scandal craze with amazement. Everyone wants Olivia to get her man, that is, the man of another woman.

I've heard people say that their  love is "special." But what really blew me away was when people started passing one of Olivia's quotes around Social Media, "If you want me, earn me," like there was some honor in a married man disrespecting his wife.

The fact of the matter, when we translate that into real English, it means, in order to earn me you have to disrespect your wife more and more. It means you have to lie to her to be with me. It means untimely that you leave her for me.

{Side note: Now I'm not on a moral higher ground. I've been there with that demand and no consideration of the wife. I will talk about that in my next blog post Being Mary Jane. But I have worked on myself enough to get it--- this is wrong as a left shoe on a right foot.}

In all the excitement around Scandal, I have never heard anyone say this is some wrong shit. I have heard them say that a woman debases herself being a side chick, but no one talks about the "wife," Mellie.

For those who want Olivia to get her man, there is almost a justification, his wife is weak and they don't belong together are some of the ones I've heard. But in reality what people are advocating week after week is for Fitz to leave his wife.

Has anyone given any thought to the environment we are creating, i. e. It's O. K.  to be a side chick but of equal importance, it's ok to disrespect the wife.

What if Mellie beats Olivia's ass? Would it be a beat down she deserves? And what about in real life, when Lorena Bobbitt cut her husband penis off? We made her out to be a crazy lady. A wife gone mad.

Who considers the wife? The husband certainly doesn't. When a man steps outside of his marriage he has said, I place this emotional and spiritual fuck over and above my wife. I can morally degrade her, and keep her at the same time. When divorce is available to everyone.

Who considers the wife? The other woman certainly doesn't, she has said I can trespass over this woman with her husbands permission. I told one of my ex husband's women, "what kind of man would let a woman call his house and disrespect his wife, his sick wife at that."

And even if the husband doesn't have a level head in the matter, why would a woman pour salt into the wound, woman to woman? Like when Mary Jane in Being Mary Jane cornered  her lover's wife in a store to tell her that she was fucking her husband. Wasn't it enough that he was leaving is wife to come to you?

And what blows me away, the husband and the other woman together, they have partnered against not only the secret institution of  marriage, but against the wife.  I've been in that kind of planning meeting and looking back with disgust for my own disgust. I've been both the wife and Mary Jane. I know, as Mary Jane, I felt like the wife had no rights. I needed to respect, and for sure my authority came from the husband. How sick is that? I wanted respect when I was the wife, but didn't want to give it to a wife.  Thank God for years of therapy and a place of understanding of what it means to love oneself. With self love comes love and respect of others.



Who considers the wife in their own personal lives and environment?  Infidelity is not some far fetched concept. We know these people, they are are family and friends.

Do you  go on record with your disapproval or do you remain silent?. Like when does a brother tell another brother, man you wrong.  Or do you just come to his rescue when needed and hold on to his secret because he is your brother?

When does a pastor tell another pastor, pier to pier, man you can't bring your woman around me and you can't talk about your wife with disdain around me. Is there a moral authority that pastors hold other pastors to?



When does a girlfriend tell another girlfriend, you know you ain't got no right to that man, he has a wife and sometimes children....Thats some unhealthy shit no matter how you cut it for you, for him, and all involved. When does a girlfriend speak that truth to a girlfriend?

Who stands up for right in the face of this wrong? I remember a friend of mine was having an affair and I told him point blank, you cannot bring your woman to my house.  I will not entertain her, it don't work like that.

But how many of us ever take that kind of stand? How many of us have entertained the other women?  I wonder how many of the people who have called Mundi a whore, are friends with a Mundi of their own? How many Mundi's have you had in your home or have entertained in some way, yet you know the wife personally?

I learned that my ex-husband's family knew about one of his women. Like how does that work? How is it OK for a  family member to participate in the face of outright wrong?  When she married your brother, uncle, father cousin, she became your family too.

Who considers the wife?  The media certainly dosent. They print stories to sell papers with no consideration. I called a blogger today a "Blog Whore" as it relates to this issue, but let me be clear, in my quest for the truth, I didn't even consider the wife.


Who considers the wife?  The public doesn't  really. For everyone has an opinion that is often carried out with dogma. That's the reason I removed the post yesterday, the dogma was dark and sinister in spirit.

We have so many examples  floating around. I watched the public turn on the wife, worst than they do on the other woman, when she decides to stay in her marriage, especially when it's a public figure. Like the way feminist kicked First Lady Hillary Clinton's tail when she didn't divorce President Clinton. When it was rumored that Maria Shriver was staying with Arnold she was also under fire.

Everyone has an agenda and an opinion about the wife without any consideration for the wife. Her hurt are hers to work through - her way, it does not belong to us. All we can do is pray for her and those closet undergird and support the decisions she makes that will best serve her life. In the end, it is her life.

Who considers the wife? God certainly does, adultery is a sin.

Unsettling...

In the now four years that I have been blogging, I have been honest, transparent and candid. I have blogged about parts of my life that most people would never share publicly. I have also taken a stand on issues like sexual abuse and rape that have been controversial, like Bishop Eddie Long. In all these years, I've had a lot of debates and I have taken many hits. I've been called whore more times than I would like. But in all of this time I never stopped blogging about issues that pierce the soul and make people think. Blogging is a gift that God has given me to give to you.

Tonight I made a very difficult decision to remove the blog post on Rev. Charles Jenkins and Mundi Griffin. Not because I don''t stand by my post. Anyone who knows me will tell you, I shoot straight from the hip on the issue of truth; And if something had changed in my opinion I would say it with no trepidation.

 I am taking this blog post down because the debate has become unproductive and that has left an unsettling in my spirit. When I have such an unsettling I listen.

The post has taken a nasty bitter turn. It has become a debate about whether I should have posted it in the first place. It has become an nasty exchange of words people attacking people. If one person makes a point another person makes a point, with even more venom.

The fact is, Rev. Charles Jenkins stood in his pulpit and said he had an affair with the Senior Vic President of Operations for Fellowship Church. Mundi Griffin has been the only person to hold that title. So I did not break the story, he broke the story and I simply gave her a place to tell her side of the story, while also addressing the issue of pastoral authority and the abuse thereof.  By doing so I was not saying that she was an innocent party in this affair. She was absolutely wrong and she must account for her own role. Be clear, they have shared responsibility. Nothing can absolve either them of that fact.

My unsettling has to do with the public discourse and the ugliness that has taken on a dark spirit, almost a life of it's own.

I'm taking a step back and becoming still. I know that God will give me clarity in my stillness. Will I reactivate the post?  At this moment in time, only God knows and I ALWAYS listen.

I took the post down to give me some space to pray, seek God's face about the MADNESS. All the nasty has been disheartening and extremely unsettling and I will not allow my blog to be a epicenter for madness.