Rae Lewis-Thornton's Blog, page 19

Bitter, Sweet.. BitterSweet... Video Blog

I was on the road speaking last night and I needed to wind down after a thoughful question and answer session with the students at Missouri State University, so I made this video blog. Now isn't life bittersweet sometimes? And would'nt you know it; there's even a plant that's named bittersweet.



On one level, it is loved for its' beauty and versatility, but yet disliked  becasue it's invasive and grows wild. But isn't that how life is? One monet beautiful and the next, crazy and out of control? So just keep on living no matter how life hits you, Bitter, Sweet or BitterSweet. Either way you are alive and at least, there is versatility.

Monday Reflection:Gettin To Better!

The Bible says that Faith is the things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. With this in mind I keep moving in the direction of better. Better does not always mean what you want, but in the end it becomes the solution that becomes your blessing.



Ideally, I would like to not have HIV/AIDS and all the health problems that are a result of my compromised immune system. Like for real, it would be a wonderful thing if God healed me from this ratchet illness, but that has not been my testimony.



 My testimony is one as complicated as my life. I was sick enough that I should have died, but didn't. I have on-going health issues that does enough to become intrusive in my life at times; just enough to slow me down to a pace that is nothing close to what I consider normal; just enough to intrude on my work patterns; just enough to bring my dream making to a halt at times and the pace of a turtle at others; just enough to cause enough depression for me to say, enough is enough.



Yep, my testimony has been just enough pain to make me insane, yet through the madness I don't lose my mind; And with that, I keep moving in the direction of better. It seems lately, I've had a lot of the above mentions, those things of just enough to say, enough is enough.







At the Infusion Center on Friday

In the midst of trying to figure out solutions to help my nerve pain, because looking for solutions in the midst of pain is moving toward better, I got another case of genital herpes. Yes again and it has NOT been two months seen I got off that 36 day round if IV medication to treat the last bout.



Now let me be clear. I have a separate infection of genital herpes that I got before HIV. Some stupid shit in college that I have openly admitted too. Over the years I was not really affected by herpes. I had an outbreak maybe once every 3 years. Then when I made an transition to AIDS 21 years ago the outbreaks became more frequently; about every 6 months or so. My doctor was able to get that under control and I was back to outbreaks once every 2- 3 years.



Then about 7 years ago herpes became my worst nightmare. As a result of AIDS Immune Reconstitution Syndrome (Read More on Immune Reconstitution) I got the most aggressive herpes outbreak ever. It was resistant to all oral and topical medications. It was as if the herpes was possessed or something. If I didn't know any better I would have said someone put some freaking voodoo on my clit. The only thing that will treat my herpes is an IV antiviral medication.





For Real,  in 7 years, it started as once a year, then became once every 6 months, then once every 3 months and now it's looking like once every month and a week or two. The doctors have concluded that my immune system just can't fight this herpes off. They still don't know if this is long term fall out from Immune Reconstitution.



It is also true that people who have both HIV and Herpes can potentially have more aggressive herpes. Also, herpes is viewed as an opportunistic infection for people living with AIDS.  (Read More on Opportunistic Infections) There are other forms of herpes that people with AIDS can get other than exposure to genital herpes. I've also had my share of that too. Herpes is no joke for people living with AIDS. Back in the day, CMV, another form of herpes, was causing people with AIDS to go blind. I should also go on record and say, if you have herpes your chances of becoming infected with HIV are medically higher.





Mediport Drama! Top the first, bottom the second.

So, while I was on the road 2 weeks ago speaking for National Black HIV/AIDS awareness day my doctor and I was working on solutions to get me to better. It was decided that I would get a new mediport placed a week ago Friday and begin IV medication on that Sunday. It was a great solution that wasn't full proof with no back up plan. #epicfail



The doctors at Intervention Medicine assured my doctor that I would have no problems with this new mediport. But that was not the case and that Sunday when the nurse placed the needle in my port and started the IV drip the pain was so bad that I almost fainted.



So my doctor started working on a plan B because for me, it's always about working toward Better.





Picc Line

Now Plan B is the pits.com but it's all we got and it is a direction toward better. Let my mediport TOTALLY heal before I try to use it again. What a brilliant idea. Given the last fiasco with the last port maybe that should have been my starting point, but noooo there are some people who can get a port placed and use it in the same day. Obvious I'm not one of those people. Now, it is starting to look like I may have to get this new port removed also.



They started me on antibiotics last Thursday. This has been a weird, crazy journey with mediport. They don't know if I just take longer to heal or is it that my body is just flat out rejecting the port. What I know for sure, I'm in a lot of pain and I'm tired of hurting. This is a BIG fat mess because I cannot get anymore picc lines in the left arm. I've had too many and that has caused my veins to narrow.



So Plan B, I would then get a different anti-viral medication called cidofvar to treat the herpes. It's administered in the HIV chemo clinic with a local IV line once a week.





I was depressed as all hell having to get cidofvar. It's an 6 hour day IV infusion and the side effects are a monster; extreme fatigue and nausea. I also have to take another medication the day of the infusion to protect my kidneys. It's 8 pills throughout the day and they also have side-effects.



Like for real, that on top of trying to heal from the trauma of getting the mediport this weekend I was sick as shit. Today is my first day even bathing since the treatment on Friday.





But I was determined not not let the solutions from this new problem of the unexpected outbreak of herpes and how they intend to treat me interfere with the solutions to my other health issues that are caused by living with AIDS I talked about in my last blog.









So I finally went to my first appointment last week with the alternative medicine doctor. I have got to keep moving toward better. I also kept my second therapy appointment because with all this new health drama, it's a wonder I don't lose my mind and I gotta stay sane enough to make the best decisions to keep moving toward better.



 SO in the midst of new problems, I was working on old problems with new solutions, moving toward better.



This is what I know for sure; If I hold onto my faith, even if I can't see the better in my right now, I know that if I keep working toward better then it will get better. That's what faith is all about. Believing that it can happen, even when you can't see it.  I also remember that, "Faith without works is dead." It's unlikely that you will get a job if you never apply for one. Now that's some real talk. My health ain't gonna get better if I don't seek the solutions to make it better.





For sure, with AIDS anything new could come tomorrow. I tell friends all the time. You can't disappear on me because in your month, weeks and even a day absent, I could get sick just that quick. Can't change that fact. That's part for the course when it comes to AIDS.



What I know for sure, if I do nothing; If I stop working on better today, then better will never come tomorrow. So I keep God at God's Word and work toward better with the belief that the better I cannot see will come when I least expect it.



No matter what you are facing. Keep working toward better. You can't see how that better will happen, nor can you pinpoint the time better will occur. Don't get discouraged if better does not happen in your time. God's ways are not our ways and Gods time is not out time.. But if you keep working on better, for sure God will bless you with the better that's belongs to you.



















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Monday Reflection: What To Do When The Miracle Feels Like A Lie!

"I just want to wake up in the morning and feel ok," I said with tears in my eyes.

"I know, I know," my doctor said

"It's just, I want to feel better."

My doctor's big round eyes full of empathy and compassion looked straight at me as I complained

"I'm just tired," I said with tears in my eyes.

"You've had it really hard lately," Dr French interjected,

"Yes and I need a break," I put my hands to my face and rubbed them across my face and over my head, fighting back the tears.

"Like I don't understand," I lamented, looking at my doctors face hard. I was searching for answers.

"It's just," she began

It's just people rarely live this long after they have been as sick as you once were."

I sat with tears in my eyes as she explained

"As sick as you were years back, it's just rare that a person would live this long after being so sick." She paused

"That's not just with AIDS, but with any illness, heart disease, cancer." She took a deep breath

"People just don't live this long."

I sat in silence digesting what she was saying

"Damn I'm a miracle," I said to myself. "Man up black woman you're a miracle"

She continued,

"Your immune system was really low at one time."

"My T-Cell count was 8," I said confirming this fact.

She continued,

"It just the damage that was done, can't be reversed and we haven't really had as many people live this long after being so sick with HIV, we just don't know." she concluded.

And with this finality there wasn't much else to be said.





I have one of the best infectious disease doctors I could ask for, so I know that I know that she is doing everything possible to keep me alive as did my doctor of 20 years prior to her. They are both women who care and advocate for the health of women with HIV. She and I had that conversation two weeks ago and it stuck in my spirit like Gorilla Glue.



She told me that I was a miracle and beyond that there's not much else to be done other than keep me alive. The quality of my life is not good. Not good one bit and that is just as much true, as is the miracle of my life.



I've lived with HIV for 30 years and AIDS for 21. But over 15 years ago I was so sick that I was on the AIDS timeline for death. It didn't seem like that to people because I was out there hitting the pavement doing what I could to educate and challenge stigma around HIV. Speaking engagements galore, TV interviews, I was going down having done what I could for the cause before it took me out of here.





Make no mistake, I was one sick black woman and my life was hanging in the balance. With that last bout of PCP my T-Cell count was 8 and the HIV medication available was like taking a placebo. They made you think you were getting better because taking them was better than not, but they were mediocre in there ability to change things at best and they made you so sick with side-effects that you couldn't think starlight.



Yes, I was on the timeline of a hard horrible AIDS death, But God had the last say and now I'm here trying to figure out what to do with the miracle of my life.



I'm a miracle for sure, but lately I don't feel like one. Lately, I feel like my world is falling apart and my health is hanging by a tread. The glass is half full and half empty. This is not just how I look at it; it's my reality. I'm a walking breathing dichotomy and my miracle is hanging in the balance.





By the time I made it home that day I had a resolved that it was time to think outside the box. I asked myself, "What am I going to do with this miracle?" Am I going to complain about it and sink deeper into the depression that I'm currently in, or am I going to make it work for me to the best of my ability?



Now be clear, for all practical purposes my HIV in under control. My T-Cell count is 555 and my viral load has been undetectable for the last 7 years. This a miracle in and of it's self. Prior to 7 years ago we couldn't keep my viral load below 5000 and it typically lingered around 15,000 and at it's height it was 397,000. That's what make my current state of health hard to digest. Hypocritically I should not be sick.







This aggressive drug resistant herpes should not be a fact. The neuropathy in my hands, feet, back and sometimes my head and face, should not be my constant, the fatigue, the waking up hurting every freaking day should not be my reality, but it is. My nerve pain is ugly, just fucking ugly and it has infected my spirit and made it ugly and clinical depression is sitting over my being like fog in the we hours of London.



On top of that, I'm having a lot of female related issues. The doctor is trying to work it out. It's important to dot the i's and get to the root because women with HIV have more gynecological issues then most. So we are trying to figure out if it's my endometriosis that I was diagnosed with about 8 years ago flaring up, or is it the on-set of menopausal issues or what. I had yet another endometriosis biopsy two weeks ago; and when she cut up in there I thought I saw blue, green and Jesus the pain was that bad.





Over all my pelvic pain is so bad it makes me want to cut it all out and sit it on the curve. And when I say cut it all out I mean that shit from my ovaries, to my vagina, which is always raw and red and feels like it's on fire. For real y'all, for real, for real.



These are the constants that I wake to every morning. Between the nerve pain and the pelvic pain and my vagina on fire, I don't want to get out of bed and my attitude will make me curse you to hell and back for real. I'm just being honest about my truths. I'm an emotional basket case right now and I'm not liking this. I don't want a damn thing to have more control over me than me; not a man, not a thing, and certainly not AIDS. But right about now, I'm having meltdowns over stupid shit. I need a change!  I can't even enjoy my miracle; it feels like a lie.





 I need a change for sure and that was very clear to me two weeks ago when I started this journey of back to back doctor appointments seeking solutions. I can pray all I want, but some things you have to do for yourself. God has given me wisdom and the know how to make my life the best it can be. The way things are going, I can't even enjoy my miracle and that is no way to live.



I help my life coaching clients to get unstuck. I push them to step outside the box so that they can be their best and I decided when I left my doctors office that day that I was going to take my own advice. If you keep complaining about your circumstance and do nothing to change it, then your complains are worthless chatter. Somethings God wants us to do for ourselves. The answers are before us, but complaining is easier. Change is scary, sacrifice is scary and change requires sacrifice. My Pastor preached about this yesterday. 2 Kings 7:3- The men with leprosy could have stayed by the road and remind hungry or they could start walking and see where it leads. If they had never moved, they would have never been blessed. Sometimes the blessing is waiting for us, but we stay stuck in our right now.





 If you want to move beyond that man, then unfriend his ass on Facebook and Twitter. If you want to lose weight then take your ass to the gym. If you want to go to school, then fill out the darn application. If you want a newer, better job then start looking. If you want some new friends, then stop spending time with the ones that are sucking the life out of you. If you have health issues that require a life style change, then start at the the beginning.



You have to choose! You can't say that you want a change and then do nothing to make that change. For sure life is a blessing in and of itself. For sure life is so worth the living. But the miracle of life becomes a waste if we don't use the many tools  that God has given us to live our best life. It's not enough to say you want better, you have to do something to get you to better.





You have to start somewhere and thats what I did the very next day. I had a consultation with a homeopathic doctor and chiropractor. Traditional medicine is keeping me alive, but the quality of my life is no life at all. My doctor said to me, "Well it can't hurt." then she added, Chiropractors know a lot more about pain then I do. NO, I'm NOT going to stop taking my HIV medication. I ani't stupid! Traditional treatment for HIV is a medical breakthrough and I will challenge anyone who says anything other.





So what am I doing? I'm seeking a better quality of life! I'm searching for solutions that might change my current circumstance and improve the quality of my life. I start with Dr. Rosen at the West Loop Chiropractor on next week. He is both a board certified Chiropractor and a Homeopathy doctor, who came on the recommendation of my good friend Dwana.  She's so happy right now and lawd she will shout if I should ever stop eating refined sugar. But I told her that there is no life at all if I can't have a cupcake :)



I've already begun a supplement on his recommendation that does not interfere with my HIV medication. So I will be blogging about this journey. Now Dr. Rosen believes that he can help me and I will give more details as I go, but he was clear this will take time. I'm willing to put the time in because that's better then doing nothing at all. Oh and he's into Social Media, so you know I love him already. He's on Twitter @WestLoopChiro He's in the process of putting together a comprehensive plan for me.





I'm working on a holistic approach to a better life. To live whole you have to consider all areas of your life; mental and emotional health included. I mentioned earlier that depression has become real for me. I start therapy again this week and we will be making an assessment on whether I need to alter my current anti-depressant. Yes, I take anti-depressants. HIV causes depression and that's a fact. Menopause also causes depression. I have two cards stacked against me and when you add my crazy ass life on top of the pile it's a mess.





I want to live my best life and I can be honest with myself. Denial will destroy you. I'm having meltdowns over stupid shit. All I want to do is read and I'm having a lot of sleepless nights. I can try to call it something other than depression, but I would be lying and y'all know that I don't lie.



Also, I will be dragging my tail out of the house on Wednesday's to Bible Study and church on Sundays.   Not only is the fellowship good for my spirit but Pastor Jakes message is always a source of encouragement to keep going. I need everything I can get right about now.



 I will be pulling together an regular exercise routine after I have two more test on today. Exercise is an overall health benefit whether you want to acknowledge it or not. It is great for your overall well being from metal health, to your physical health.  I'm going to also incorporate some message therapy to help reduce my stress and work on better eating habits because to much sugar for example, will zap the life out of you in the long run. NO, Im not giving up cupcakes, just not eating as many.





 My doctors are doing their part and I'm doing mine! Pastor L Bernard Jakes' sermon was on point yesterday, "I'm Not Dying Here!" Yes, we all have to die one day that's a fact, but there is also another fact, that you don't have to die in the current condition that you are in; and sometimes that condition will kill us quicker than the disease.





Pastor said, if you are always complaining about your circumstance and doing nothing to change it, then you are stuck in the quicksand of your own life! So I'm moving in the direction of better. I know that one session of therapy or three visits to Dr. Rosen is not going to have microwaveable results. Some of this stuff will take time. I'm willing to put in the time, because I want to be my best me.



You must declare to yourself, I'm not Dying Here! I'm not stopping Here! I'm not giving up Here! God has given you the power to jump start your own liberation and that's exactly what I'm doing and now, what about you?

RLT Reads Review: James Patterson's Very First Novel!

I'm a really BIG Fan of James Patterson's Alex Cross series, as is my Godmother Judy. I have read every single one of them! As I mentioned in my last book review on Walter Mosley's Black Betty, Judy and I talk about Alex Cross like he is real. We also try to figure out how James Patterson, who is very white has so much insight into the life of African-Americans. It's an on-going theme to our Patterson book discussions. I would love to have lunch with him one day and get some up close insight.





Well, Judy kept trying to get me to read Patterson's frist book, The Thomas Berryman Number, written in 1976. I finally picked it up last week and loved, loved, loved it! If you are a fan of Patterson's Cross series this is a must read. Again, Judy and I had the same discussion about Patterson when we talked about this book. Is he really a black man, passing for White?" We asked jokingly. Was the love of his life a black woman and so on and so on. You should hear us; we are H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!



The Thomas Berryman Number is a clear indication that Patterson was a mystery writer in the making. It also foreshadows his Alex Cross Series.  Not the character, but certainly the African-American themes that flows throughout the series. I find The Thomas Berryman Number interesting because the Cross series didn't emerge until 1993, 17 years after this book and many other books prior to The Cross Series.





In a nut shell, the book was great. It starts off slow, but it certainly picks up. There's tons of suspense and you will want to keep reading until the very end. The mayor of Nashville is a black man and he is assassinated. Thomas Berryman is the assassin and the story is told thought the lenses of a reporter writing a book about the murder. It was a little complicated those frist 15-20 pages but I soon figured out what was going on.



The story line is a good one, and for sure the book picks up. The real beauty of this book, however is  that we can see  where Patterson's  began and for his avid readers, where he ended up.



The book is over 20 years old, but i got my copy from used books off Amazon...  Happy Reading until next week! Don't forget to check out todays Tea Review!

Tea With Rae! Wake Up English Style!

Never thought that I would say this, but there is a another tea that I enjoy in the morning right along side of English Breakfast.



Well it goes like this. For years English Breakfast and sometimes an Irish Breakfast, which is even more robust than English, has been the star of my mornings! I'm not sure what I like most, but I think it's the rich, full-bodied, malty flavor that says yes I'm alive!



English Breakfast Tea is often drank by the British and sometimes I think that I was a Brit in my pass life time. My morning is not complete without my am Breakfast Tea. Nor is my evening complete without a sip of Earl Grey. One of the most divine black teas you will ever drink.



Well, I'm pretty stuck in my ways for sure, but I always want to try new teas. I ventured off about a month ago and I haven't had anything in the morning since.





English Westminster  by Tea Gschwender is wonderful! Tea Gschwender is a German based Tea Company that does tea very well. They were one of the first loose leaf teas I ever tried outside of a restaurant.



I like them because their teas are fresh, large in variety and priced economically. They were also a sponsor in my very first HIV/AIDS Tweet-Up.



So about a month ago, I dropped into Tea Gschwender to pick up some English Breakfast and asked if there was another tea similar that they would recommend. I fell in love.



This tea  is a blend of Assam, Java and Ceylon teas. Assam and Ceylon both come from the same plant  Camellia sinensis just different regions of India. FYI, the four traditional tea groups, black, oolong, green and white all come from the Camellia Sinensis plant.





However, Java Tea comes from Orthosiphon stamineus plant and is widely grown in South East Asia (Malaysia, Indonesia and Thailand) and tropical Australia. Like most herbals, this one is often dried and brewed just like traditional teas. It is believed to have health benefits, anti-inflammatory, antiallergenic, anti-hypertensive and diuretic to name some.



English Westminster has a similar full-bodied flavor as traditional breakfast tea and it's a bit stronger. The thing that makes this tea special is the flavor. The full-bodied flavor is lanced with a sweetness that I can't put my finger on.



This is a blend of perfection! Two traditional black teas with an herbal, to make this memorable drink. Tea Gschwender is located in Chicago and they give free samples when you make a purchase. That's how I ended up with English Westminster. You can also purchased them on line Click Here!



Happy Cuppa!

People Always Trying To Tell Me That God Can Heal Me of AIDS

People are always asking me do I think that God can heal me of AIDS... Here's my answer






I don't hate much but it's safe to say I HATE it when people start their conversation with me, "The Lord told me to tell you." Call it what you want: arrogance, Christian elitism, whatever! But this strong feeling of dislike became worse after I went public with AIDS. Everybody had the solution to my problem. Often they’d start the sentence with, "You know the Lord can heal you of AIDS."





Many times they'd come rushing up to me after I finished speaking with their revelation. I’d stand there graciously, but what I really wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs.





I know, I know. I sound like one ungrateful woman. I do understand that they are only trying to help ease my pain. But curing me? Gee, thanks. Don't judge me first, just try living in my shoes and see how YOU WOULD FEEL. In the early days of my ministry, I became really frustrated with people telling me what God could do for me, like they knew this for sure. I read the same Bible. And now, having gone to seminary and earned a Master of Divinity Degree, I detest it even more. I mean, why do you think that I don’t already know about faith? My life is an example of faith, don't you think?




But in those earlier days of my popularity, so many people approached me about being healed that I started to wonder, “Had I missed something in my Christian walk?” Just the thought of it bothered me. With all the experts I had encountered on my miracle, I thought that maybe I was doing something wrong. So like with most things, I took my concern straight to the source. I started to have long conversations with God about it all. It went something like this:




“Hello God, these people say that you can heal me of AIDS. So, what do I have to do to get this particular miracle? I mean, they keep quoting the scripture, “Ask and you shall receive.” (Mat 7:7) I asked, but I still have AIDS. Do I need pray a certain way, or at a certain time, maybe like Hannah at the altar?” (1 Sam 1-20) No joke, sometimes you just have to lay it out to God, and I did.




It was all so maddening. I know that there are miracles in the Bible of both the prophets in the Old Testament and Jesus in the New Testament. And that made matters worse. With my all Biblical knowledge and people pushing their faith onto me, I was frustrated. One day a person even told me, “You should stop taking your HIV medication so when the Lord heals you, people will really believe that the miracle was of God.” I stood there with a blank look on my face. “I don’t think so buddy!!!!” is what I wanted to scream at him. So, I kept talking to God, waiting on the answer. I even changed my prayer. “Lord, just give me something to say to these people about my healing.” 




Then people started to cure me in my mail. I received 25 copies of this little booklet, "By His Strips We Are Healed". I screamed, "Pleeeease GOD tell me what I’m missing." And that wasn’t the half of it. I received long letters with Scripture I was instructed to repeat every day, tapes, oil and prayer clothes. People were determined to heal me anyway they could.







Then one day after what seemed like an eternity, God gave me the answer I had been seeking. I was in Washington, DC speaking at a church. That particular night, there was a lot of press covering me.







No sooner than I laid the mic down, a woman rushed up to me, "You know the Lord can heal you of AIDS." I got that look on my face, “Here we go again.” I stood as she rambled and rambled on. "And it would be an awesome thing. With all these TV cameras and the press you get, you could go around the world and tell people how wonderful God is because He healed you of AIDS!" In an instant God spoke to my spirit, "I am a wonderful God, even if I never heal you of AIDS!" The testimony is: Hallelujah anyhow!




WOW! I was so overwhelmed tears starting streaming down my face. Of course the woman thought that her prophecy had moved me to tears. But it was nothing short of God sitting center stage in my spirit giving me with the answers that I had longed for. The easiest testimony on the planet is when God has done the thing you most wanted in your life. But can you love God in the midst of your pain? Can you love and praise Him when you are bearing your cross? I understood that day that my love for God was not predicated on my healing from AIDS. God is wonderful and sovereign without the extra that He gives to us.




Back to the healing, I had missed it all along. The miracle wasn’t the thing that people had been trying to force on me, but something even greater. In some ways, healing me of AIDS was an EASY testimony, almost expected of God. But living with AIDS was an INCREDIBLE testimony. God gave me the greatest gift of all: the ability to live and thrive with an illness that should’ve taken me out of here many a day. And believe me when I say I should’ve died 16 years ago.






When I made a transition to AIDS 19 years ago, the life expectancy was 3 years. And before advancement in treatment, I was staring death in the face. My t-cell count was 8, my viral load was 397,000, I was a size 0. You could see how frail I was in every picture that was taken of me back then. There is no doubt, my health was failing.




I had 3 bouts of PCP, the number one infection, at the time, that killed people with AIDS. You cannot tell me that I am not a walking miracle. I get it! I also get that we spend so much time expecting God to do what we want, we miss the wonderful things that He has done. I’m content with the miracle of my life. So what if it’s a hard life, He continues to give me all the tools I need to maneuver through the wilderness.




PostScript: By the way, God didn’t heal everyone. The Apostle Paul is one clear example. Paul had a thorn in his flesh. He asked God to heal him three times and each time God said, “No!” Christians are quick to quote from this text that the Lord told Paul, “My Grace is sufficient.” But God also told Paul,”My strength is made perfect in your weakness.” I know from this that when I am at my lowest point, God will do His best work. (2 Cor 7-10)




2013 Post Script: Repost... One of the Firs Blogs I wrote.... As of 2013 I've lived with HIV for 30 years and AIDS for 21.... I know that I know that I am a walking miracle...

RLT Reads! Pretty Betty by Walter Mosley A Review

Well, it seems that RLT Reads Book Club has gone straight to hell in a hand basket. I know some of it was my fought. Over the last two years my health has been a handful and I have been off my reading game and not able to keep up. Trying to balance my health and all of RLT Brands is two full time jobs wrapped  up into one. But I made an executive decision over this past holiday; to take some time for me. Life is to short to not do some of what you enjoy. So I'm back to my favorite pass time on the planet, other than shopping, drinking tea, and knitting, it is reading! I can easily read a book or two a week.





Until we get RLT Reads book club rolling again, I thought that I would at least give you some weekly reviews on the books that I'm currently reading. Over time, if you show some interest, we can see if the on-line book club can get back on its feet. Shoot me an email if you are interested in getting the book club back on it's feet RLTReads@raelewisthornton.com







My first weekly review! Here goes! I'm too excited about sharing my reads with you. I am an absolute fan of crime mystery books. My adopted God Mother, Judy down in Nashville is also an avid reader. You should hear our conversations about books that we have both read. We talk about characters like they are for real... Shoot, we think Alex Cross, the leading man in James Patterson Cross series is our future husband.



She and I both love mystery and she has been trying her best to get me to read Walter Mosley Easy Rawlins series. Because she kept pushing, I purchased a few and they just sat on my book shelf.



Then recently I started to slowly read them. Then over the holiday, I picked one up and now I can't seem to stop. To date I've read, six of the ten in this series, in no particular order. I have even read the last one he wrote in 2009, which killed off the series, Blonde Faith.





I've also read the most famous, of course, the Denzel Washington movie, Devil in a Blue Dress. I have also read, Little Scarlet, White Butterfly and Cinnamon Kiss. So far so good. They were all page turners that I didn't want to put down. I read 3 over the holiday alone. I was on a roll.



But the one I want to review for you today is Black Betty. I just finished reading it and OMG! This was one complex story line that captured the period. The thing I love most about Mosley's Easy Rawlins series is that he does an awesome job of situating his story line in the period and plays it through like a fine violin.





Black Betty is one of the most complex of all the Rawlins series so far. All of the books are situated in Southern California between the 40-60's. It's an interesting period and Rawlins gives us insight on segregation, racism and migration during this time span.



Many African-Americans escaped the degradation of the south. We often read about those from Mississippi, Alabama and Georgia. Rawlins characters are all from parts of Louisiana and Texas. Which had it's own particular culture and Black folks bring it to Los Angles during it's time of growth.



Rawlins is a private investigator operating in Los Angles who begins his career by default. Well liked and well connected in the Black community Rawlins is asked to help locate people. The police use him from time to time on complex cases in the black community because it's easier for Rawlins to move among black folks then it is for white police officers. Over time, Rawlins is eventuality given his license to practice. Rawlins loves, sex, woman and alcohol, but alcohol doesn't love him. He's a man's man, with a good heart that shines bright in all of the Easy Rawlins books. Oh yeah, his side kick Mouse is a hoot, but mostly a cold-blooded killer.





Now on to Pretty Betty. This story takes place in 1961 at the height of overt segregation in the South and covert segregation and open racism in swanky L.A. Betty is a woman from Rawlins home town, who's sensuality shines bright with every step she takes. She captivates Rawlins as a young boy and years later they meet again in the midst of a complex trail of murder and mayhem.



There are clear and not so clear villains. Betty is a live-in maid for a wealthy Southern California Plantation owner. Yes, I said planation. Mosley gives us a brief insight into migrant slave labor in Pretty Betty. That's the thing about Mosley, all of his Rawlins books give us a history lesson in race relations and what it's like to be mostly black and poor during this period.





I can't tell you the story or you won't have a need to pick it up. Lets just say, there is sexual coercion power relationships and children born of mixed race at it's best. When the patriarch of the family dies, who is also Betty boss, she disappears and the hunt begins.



Murder follows Betty's trail right along with Rawlins. This complex story line of who done it and why and yes who inherits the 50 million dollars will keep you turing pages until the very end.  It is worth the read!



Each Tuesday I will be reviewing two of my favorite things, tea and books #SmallPleasures  Stay tuned for next week and in the meantime don't forget to read my tea Review, Passion in a Cup... Click Here! For more on Walter Mosley, go to his website, Click Here!

Tea With Rae! Passion In a Cup

I have reviewed mostly loose leaf tea. Not because tea already in a bag is not equally good as loose tea. Quite frankly, there are some not so great loose teas in the world of teas. So my bias has been without any particular reason, other than the tea brands and flavors that I drink the most of, tend to be loose.



Now for sure, there are some great teas in a bag and I thought that I would share one with you today. I love Tazo Tea! It's the tea that is served exclusively at Starbucks and I've sent many of my Twitter followers there to pick up a cup of tea based on their need for that day.





 For colds, I suggest, Tazo Refresh; a hardy mint tea. For that midday pick me up, I often suggest Earl Grey! it's a black tea infused with the aroma of bergamot and my favorite black tea.





With Earl Grey, you get a black tea high in caffeine for that mid day boost, without the strong malty flavor of a breakfast tea. The bergamot oil infused in Earl Grey is simply divine. You can read my review on Earl Grey Tea Here.



My recommendation for  the morning is Awake Tea. It's a wonderful blend of black tea that gives you that hardy jump start in the morning. It's similar to English Breakfast type teas that I drink every morning.



All of these teas mentioned above I drink and highly recommend. Let be not forget, Joy Tea! This holiday blend of black and green tea is only available doing the Holiday Season so I make sure that I stock up! Just so you know, this is not a sponsored review. I just thought that I would share one of my favorite bag teas with you this month. For the most part, these are the only Tazo teas I have tried and maybe I'll reach out to Starbucks and see if they will join my Tea With Rae Team.





While I drink mostly loose teas while at home sometimes because of my health, I don't have the energy for the formality involved in making loose tea and for sure Starbucks is my spot when I'm on the go. The bottom line Tazo has been my go to tea in a bag.



A while back one of my Twitter followers sent me 4 tins of Tazo Tea and sadly they have been sitting. I began to feel guilty. I've been trying to mix it up lately and step outside of my regular tea list, so I tried for the first time  one of the teas, Tazo Passion!





Boy was it a tropical fruit blast in a cup! This herbal infused tea of hibiscus, papaya, mango, sweet cinnamon and passion fruit essence remained me of my trips to Jamaica and made me feel like I was on a warm tropical Island and not Chicago in December.



The truth of the matter, drinking a cup of warm tea is an experience. If you just sit back and enjoy the moment, the flavor will take you to another place.



I enjoyed this tea because the blend is rich. The tart hibiscus flower makes the taste sophisticated and not fruity tutty. Hibiscus is a favorite drink, both warm and cold on many Islands. The hibiscus flower is rich in vitamin C and minerals, which is always a plus. Tazo has taken this tart flower and made a perfect blend.



For sure I recommend Tazo Passion Tea.  I didn't know what I was missing out on, stuck drinking only my favorite Tazo Teas. Now I have to try the others sitting in my Tea Cabinet.





I like Tazo because you can buy it in most grocery stores. In the bag, Tazo has filter bags, which is how we traditionally know bag teas. They also have the silken bag of full leaf tea, which is just like drinking loose left tea. The whole leaf tea is also sold in Starbucks in tins. I discovered something while working on this blog. Tazo also has loose tea! SHUT UP! For Real!!! Click Here to see all that Tazo has to offer!





It's National Hot Tea Mouth, so have a cup of hot tea. On your lunch break pick up Passion in a cup... Sit back and image that you are on a tropical Island and not at your hectic work desk. Happy Cuppa! #TeaWithRae



Post Script: Don't forget to enter the weekly raffle! I'm giving away a loose leaf tea ball from RLT Collection in honor of National Hot Tea Month. All you have to do is make a comment on one of my tea blogs about your favorite tea or why you like hot tea.



 Last weeks winner is Yansa Toussaint. Remember Lovely's, you have to let me know how to find you. So either give me your facebook or Twitter name in your comment...

Facing Truths! Reflecting on Delta Sigma Theta at 100 and Me!

I'm not sure why people are so bothered by the truth, other people's truths that is. What's so wrong about the truth? Martin Luther King said, "The day we see truth and cease to speak is the day we begin to die." While he was for sure speaking about racial injustice, I believe that this quote applies to every untruth that we face.



I spent half of my life bound up in secrets! Secrets of sexual, physical and emotional abuse. Secrets of having contracted HIV at age 20 and oh so many secrets of self-abuse. The African Proverb, "He who conceals his disease cannot expect to be cured," is so true. I'm telling you, the secrets that I was living with had started to kill off a vital part of me, my spirit, and when the spirit dies, the body is sure to follow. For without one's spirit, there is nothing to live for.



Yet, it is undeniably true that the truth is hard for people. Maybe they don't want to hear your truth because then they are forced to deal with their own truths. Or at least to think about them. Maybe they don't want to hear the truth, because the lie unspoken is easier than the truth spoken softly. In the past, this was true for me as well. But one day, it was as if God sat in my living room for a daughter to Father chat and said to me, "Enough is Enough!"





My truths have become a gift from God that I embrace fully and unapologetically. But I have to be honest, sometimes I wonder if my truths will make me have one less friend, less Twitter followers, less people who purchase my bracelet designs RLT Collection, and the list goes on and on. This has been especially true as a business woman. As of lately, my bracelet collection helps keep food on my table. So sometimes my human self begins to wonder if the truth is too much, but then God sagely speaks to my spirit and reminds me that I am to walk boldly in my gifts and He will make a way out of what my appears to be no way.





With this said, I debated long and hard about this blog post and I had even decided last night that I wouldn't do it, but it crept back into my spirit long before I opened my eyes this morning. If things were different between me and Delta I would be reflecting, so why stop my truths today because it will make people uncomfortable?  So I'm pressin forward in my truths.



 Yesterday Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. celebrated 100 years as an organization. As one of the largest  and oldest African-American sororities, it is truly a milestone. Yet for me, it was bittersweet. While I tried to be happy for Delta, I really did, I couldn't fake the funk.



Yep, yesterday was hard for me to say the least. Hard because I never thought that I wouldn't be in Washington, D. C. this pass weekend with the thousands of Delta women there to celebrate years of sisterhood and service. On one level, it was like being a child looking into a old fashion candy store and knowing in your heart that your parents don't have the money to buy even a nickel's worth of candy.





The day I was inducted into Delta!

The mixed emotions that wells up deep inside of you, of wanting something so bad, but knowing that you can't have it. Yep, it was a sad day, but I had to face the truth that I am no longer a member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority. After 12 years of being called Soror by thousands of women, that ceased to be no more as of May 1, 2012.



I'm not going into the details again. Ima save you and me from that drama. Either purchase my book, The Politics of Respectability and read the entire epic of how my life clashed with Black Women and Respectability from my mother to Delta Click Here, or watch the now infamous video where I discuss the drama  of the particular events that landed me out of Delta, Click Here



Yet on another level, I couldn't help but to think about another truth; the truth of contradictions I felt about the Sisterhood over these last 10 months. While I think that no one can EVER take away the 100 years of service to the black community that Delta has done, it is true that for me at lest, the Sisterhood took a back sit to the sister. Which at its core is suppose to be the Essence of Delta.





Cythina McIntyre Butler at the podium. Bishop Vashti McKenzie seated on the far right

I looked at this picture someone tweeted of the current National President, Cynthia McIntyre Butler looking proud and distinguish and wondered if in these months had she thought at all about our phone conversations. The one on February 16, 2011 about the day's events, i. e.  my conversation with Rose McKinney, the executive director of the national headquarters of Delta and my subsequent tweets,  as a result of the conversation with Rose.



I will never forget it as long as I live. Cythina, ended  the phone conversation, with a simple answer to my simple question, "Soror, I asked, Am I being put out of Delta over this?" I felt like a child being chastised by Motherhen in that conversation and I needed clarity. I heard a soft chuckle come through the phone. Always the Southern Bell and Human Resource Guru, "No Soror, no one is putting you out of Delta." She continued, "I just ask that you don't discuss the incident publicly or tweet about it. I just need time to smooth things over." I said yes and I was a woman of my word.



Yesterday, I wondered how Cythina felt 14 months later, after having absolutely no contact with me in the months after that first phone call on February 16. How she felt making that call to tell me that the Executive Committee had voted to rescind my honorary membership. I know how I felt, betrayed.



I wondered as I saw all the wonderful pictures on Instagram, who from the Executive Committee called me Soror for 12 years and then voted me out of the Sisterhood over my tweets without any conversation with me about the incident. Both of these thoughts sent me into a crisis and made me explain to myself, my love for this Sisterhood both on May 1st and on yesterday.





I wondered in the pictures of sea of red, if any of my sisters who use to call me Soror and stopped on May 1st were there?



If any were there that use to follow me on Twitter but stopped on May 1st.



 I wondered who from Twitter that continues to follow me, because to unfollow me would be in bad taste, but they still don't speak to me any more because they don't want to be looked at with a side eye from other Soror's, yep I wondered if any of them were in this sea of red.



I wondered if the Soror who I thought was my personal friend, who not only unfollowed me on Twitter, then blocked me so that I wouldn't see her talk about me because I quote, "I made Delta look bad in that video, " was there being the good Delta that she is and all.



I  wonder if any of the Sorors who use to check in with me from time to time to see how I was doing, but has since stopped. Not because they don't care about me, but it's such an uncomfortable mess that no one wants to honestly address; so it's easy to do nothing at all. Yep, I wondered if any of them were there.



Then I thought about all the Sorors who still tweet me, but didn't tweet me on yesterday. Because yesterday was Delta's Day and to show the sister thrown out of the Sisterhood some love on yesterday would caste a dark light on the Sisterhood. I asked myself, "How could I love something so much that hurt me so bad?"





Founders!

On yesterday, I wondered what the founders of Delta Sigma Theta would have thought about me.



If they would have thought that I was an outspoken asses with zeal and determination or a liability with a big vulgar mouth.



I wondered because as the history of Delta is told, the 22 women on the campus of Howard University were originally members of Alpha Kappa Alpha  Sorority the first African American sorority in the United Sates.



Delta's history has it that these 22 women left Alpha Kappa Alpa because they felt that the problems of black people and women were much larger and deeper than just being a social club having teas. They wanted to bring about change for such a time as it was, 1913, the heart of disenfranchisement of both blacks and women.



Delta's history proudly boast that the first display of boldness of these women were  to march against the oppression of men with white woman in the Women's Suffrage march. That's a who lot of boldness. So I wonder what they would think of me and my way of doing things in the 21st century, where black woman are 72% of all new cases of HIV in the US among women and self- love takes a back sit to having love.





Me proudly taking a pic with Sorors the day I was inducted!

I thought about the collegiate chapter who reached out to me just this December to come speak at their college. In the email the President of this particular chapter expressed how much they admired me and would be honored if I would speak on their campus.



But they hadn't heard the news that my membership was rescinded. So in this very uncomfortable conversation, I had to rehash the day of May 1st. She told me she would get back with me one way or the other, but she never did.



I wondered about the leadership and what they think of me, truly think of me? I have had NO contact from Delta Sigma Theta's leadership since that call from Cythina on May 1, 2012. Not even an official letter announcing that I was voted out. I wondered if the National chaplain Bishop Vashti McKenzie, who's grandmother was a founding Member of Delta has prayed for my healing from this fallout. Someone asked me on Twitter a while back, had she reached out to me at all? No was all I could say and I let that ride.







Me and Sheryl Lee Ralph

I've only had contact from one other honorary member, Sheryl Lee Ralph, who was my friend before Delta and has remain my friend since May 1st. She is her own woman and I thank God for her wisdom and friendship in my life.



Yesterday was hard very hard, but there was a few flickers of light. I had one Soror to send me  a private message on Twitter and two on Facebook to tell me that no matter what has transpired within the organization they still honor me and my work.



And the brightest lights shinning was my Soror at church, she knows who she is, who showered me with love and kindness and of course the Soror that I met on Twitter who's love and show of Sisterhood has been unwavering from day one. Before the evening was over she tweeted to me, "I will ALWAYS love you Soror! I thought of you on THIS day. U have NOT been forgotten. Never forget that our bond is a LifeTime."





Yes, yesterday was hard for me. And don't be confuse; I accept the fact that I was voted out of Delta and accept the fact that MY tweets, MY Doing, MY Truth, And My Methodology didn't meet the standard of a Delta woman after 12 years.



I guess it's true that their are consequences for everything you do in life. So just like I'm a woman and stand by the fuck that landed me with HIV, I stand by the Tweets that landed me out of Delta.



However, just because you accept your culpability in the events of your life, doesn't take away the hurt that you feel as a result of them.





 Also be clear, I am, who I am, shaped by my journey which began when two heroin addicts hooked up to conceive me.  If I had to do either of them again, based on who I am, and what I know about me today, I'm sure if I had to do it over again, I would do the same thing in the same matter because I only know how to live in my truths.





I reckon some members of the Executive Committee feel justified in their self-righteousness. I reckon some members of Delta can sigh with relief that they don't have to call my vulgar self, sister anymore. I mean Cynthia did say, that some past national presidents, "Were livid, the vulgarity of it all."



While I guess there are others who just don't know what to do with me. I'm the pink elephant in room of red.



For sure, I have been thrown away as if I didn't ever exist, dead. So while I want to celebrate my joy for Delta's years of service, I am sucked in by the pain of what I once knew as Sisterhood..



I wonder what Past National President Lillian P. Benbow (1971-1975) would have said about my tweets? I wonder if she would have insists that the Executive Committee try to understand me or at least to give me voice in matters that affected me. I wonder if this quote hand true meaning for her? I wonder what prompted her to say it in the first beginning? I look at the truths in this quote and I see my life all day long... It speaks truth to power and it is the essences of Sisterhood;





When I look at you, I see myself. If my eyes are unable to see you as my sister, it is because my own vision is blurred. And if  that be is, then it is I who need you because I do not under-stand who you are, my sister, or because I need you to help me understand who I am...

Moving Beyond Regrets!

Have you ever had sex in a car or sucked a dick that you wish you hadn't? Now close your mouth from shock and speak Truth To Power! I know I have.



In my late teens sex in the car was often the only place you could afford to go. It was a hot and steamey clandestine meeting that was worth every minute. Good Lawd, that Brotha was something to remember and I don't regret not one moment of it! But ummm there are something's that I wish I hadn't done, but did. I know I have sucked a dick here or their that wasn't worth my mouth or the degradation I felt when it was all done. I don''t really regret them because it I had not done them, I wouldn't have learned something new. To live is to learn and to die is to forget!



I'm no virgin and sex for me started when I was 13 and I'm 50 now. Yes, I wish I had waited but by that time I had already been taught that sex was love by my uncle and step-brother. So I set out about this world looking for someone to love me with about an ounce of self-esteem. I hadn't thought about regrets until an old college friend dropped by last week and asked, "Other than the obvious, do I have any regrets?" I told him that I had none! Not even the obvious! I keep saying to people that our journey shapes who we are. I can't pick and choose one expect of my life because it's all connected. If I could choose it would start with my birth parents. Born to heroine addicts set me on this likely course and it is what it is.







So their are no regrets, but yes their has been some shame. I imagined Bill Clinton lied about Monica Lewinsky because to admit that he had this young girl suck his dick under his desk in the White House was a tad shameful, to say the least.



I've often wondered if Monica regretted doing it. Her life was forever altered. Clinton left the White House to become a millionaire and she struggled to just get a job. It was women who did the most damage to Monica. Women black listed her, like their man was next on her list. Jenny Craig said using Monica in her adds was the worst mistake of her company. Women dropped her diet plan like a hot potato. Monica was a generation to late. if it had happened ten years later she could have made some money with the right branding like others have done.





At the time I use to joke with my girls and say, "Hell yes I would have sucked the President's dick and I would have never told!" He's one fine white boy with a whole lot of swagger. For Real! Now stop being all high and mighty, some of y'all know if you had the chance you would drop it for Presiedent Obama. I wouldn't because I was at their wedding and I don't do husbands or boyfriends of friends. See even a hoe got some rules! :)





Today I wonder if I had the chance with Clinton, that is the woman that I am in 2013, would I do it? I probably would have done it just three years ago, just for the heck of it! I mean damn the President! Make a woman feel powerful even if its misguided, twisted and distorted thinking. For sure the man is the one with the power, but what a sugary boost to ones self-esteem. That is ,to be able to say if just to yourself, "I must be a bad bitch that a man that powerful would want me?"



So we do things that are a tad savory at best. You were trying not to go there but in the moment it was hot and steamy and he kept saying, "Just do it baby," and the pressure of wanting more from him takes control and before you know it, you sucking him like a lollipop, hoping that this will be the thing that wins him over.





So yes, at 50 there are some things I've done even as late as my 40's that I know were not cool. Not cool because they only served to chip away at my self-esteem and self-worth. Not Cool, because it made a mess of things that still impacts my life. Not cool, because I didn't like me when it was all said and done. Not cool, because others were hurt by my selfishness. Not cool, because I was hurt by my own actions.



I've grown so much since the early 90's during the Clinton- Lewinsky Scandal. Shoot, I've grown so much in the last few years. It's a wonderful thing when you can look at your life and all that's been done and you can say, I learned this from that!



But knowledge is powerless if we don't use it! At the end of the day, it's not just enough to know better, you have to do better. Now, doing better is no easy task. NOPE! Sometimes we find ourselves in the same situation over and again. It's only when we have had enough of self-loathing that we really start to do better.





It's like an addict. In the months clean, they forget how they felt, the self-loathing they felt after they use. That's why they remind themselves in 12 step programs that they are an addict and that all power comes from a higher source. This simple reminder helps to keep them on a course of self-love over and above self-loathing.



The truth is, you cannot run from the things that you have done. All you can really do is learn from them and use that knowledge to be a better you.



I've learned that sex is not love and just because a man makes me wet between the legs doesn't mean that I should give him my innermost self. If the truth be told, you can make your own self wet between the legs. I've learned that just because you have chemistry in bed, doesn't mean that a man will love and respect you.





With this knowledge I've used it to be a better me, making decisions about my life that are worthy of my worth. But the fact of the matter, we are only human and we have and will make decisions about our lives that leave a bitter taste in our mouth, sometimes literally!



All you can do is regroup and keep it moving. It's not that we fall down, it's not even about how long we stay down, it's about the getting up. When you get up, you acknowledge that you are a child of God worthy of love and grace. All you have to do now is forgive yourself, as God has already forgiven you.