Rae Lewis-Thornton's Blog, page 12

And What About Dating- Part Two

Often times the holidays seems to compound the loneliness and isolation of a single person living with HIV. I know for me this has been the case. No doubt dating with a sexually transmitted disease is hard: The having to disclose; having to explain the how I got to this place; The fear of judgements and rejection. The shame with acknowledging your choices and for some even your culpability in your infection; the self loathing that comes with why you choose to trust the very person that infected you, whether it is HIV or herpes.

Out if my own loneliness and isolation I've been thinking about dating a lot as of lately. People think being this famous woman with AIDS means that I'm not lonely, but at the end of the day I still come home to myself. I have no one to wine down my day, even if with just a phone call. I give so much to help enrich the lives of others but get very little to enrich my own life. This is my situation living with this disease. In my last blog about dating I talked about men willing to date me in private but not public and my decision to shut that down out of self respect and love for myself.

But where does that lead me and how do I meet that special someone? Even as an AIDS Activist I'm still faced with the same issues others with HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases are living with. Disclosing your HIV status to a potential partner is scary. That is true no matter how long you have lived with HIV or how many times you have disclosed or even how public you are. To have that first conversation with someone that you are attracted to is hard and leaves knots in your stomach.

Just recently I told a man after our initial conversation that I had drug resistant herpes. Let me tell you, I didn't exhale until he said, "I read that in one of your blogs," and we went on to the next topic. I like this guy, so we will see where it leads. *giggles* To his testament he didn't drill me on how the hell I ended up with two sexually transmitted diseases. There were no judgments or backtracking on his part. But in those first 60 seconds my mind raced pass the conversation to my own fears. What will he think of me with both HIV and herpes? Will having two diseases be a deal breaker? Even that self-loathing became a part of my mental drama. As I was rambling on about my herpes I was thinking, "Girl how did you end up here?" But at the end of the day you can't change the course of history, all you can do is accept your journey for what it is and try to be your best you with what you got.

So dating is challenging for us all! Since that last blog on dating, I've had so many people reach out to me privately about their own drama around dating with HIV. One woman emailed and asked, "So what about those positive dating sites?

I got to tell you, I see them as an easy way to get pass that first level of fear; rejection. You don't have to have that initial conversation because the person reaching out to you already know your baseline. Now I've got to be honest, a while back like 7-8 years ago, I did a free trail weekend for one of those poplar dating sites that advertise on tv, but based on what I said to the guy he googled me and that was a deal breaker *shrugs* his lost because I'm a wonderful woman.

Now recently, I signed up for PositiveSingles.Com.  I wanted to see what they are about for myself since I'm recommending them to you. Now, like I said, I actually met a guy recently and it's very early, not sure where it will lead, good places I hope so I'm  not sure how long I'll stay on a dating site. I try to have integrity. Plus, I've always been a one men kinda woman.

But what I know for sure about the dating sites is that the person reaching out will at least know your base line when they send that first email. I think a dating site like this could be a way to get the conversation going and sometimes all you need is an open door. So what the heck, you really have nothing to lose but time. For sure you should work within the parameters of the site and be honest. I mean no point lying on a site where everyone has a sexually transmitted disease. I think it's a level of freedom actually, everyone is at the same starting point.

Think about it this way, you know right off bat that you are not being rejected because of your status. With your status out of the way, you can now go fourth and see if there is compatibility. Now let me be honest, everyone with HIV is not going to be a perfect match, sometimes you gotta work through the barrel to find that right apple.

At the end of the day I think that we should fight the isolation that comes with this disease. I also think that we should use all the great tools of modern technology to do so! Each of us deserve to be loved, and none of us deserve to have HIV.  By forcing yourself to live in isolation, you punish yourself and that is not what God wants of us! When we wake in the morning we are still a part of God's earthly plan, so I think we should live our best life while we have a life! 2014 is fast approaching why don't you step out of your comfort zone and see what is waiting on the other side of fear of rejection.

Accept The Gift of Life!!

HIV can be a lonely, isolating life. The holidays can be even lonelier. I know over the years, for me, this has been true. In recent years there have been Christmas days when I was sick and didn't really feel like socializing so I spent my day with my puppy. I have no living family and when I did, well mama was hell on wheels and sometimes I opted out of her chaos.

My therapist and I were talking a few weeks back about this family thing and while I have no biological family I do have family. People with whom I have history from years of connection like the  Rev. Jesse Jackson and Mrs. Jackson and family and others I bonded with over my political days. I even have new friends that I have connected with in a very strong way, like Tiara. Then there's my BFF Luke who came in town and spent the past week with me. We ate our way through Chicago LOL.

When you think about it, family are the people that seal their love in your heart whether they share a blood line with you or not. I know living with this disease we tend to wish for days when HIV wasn't a part of our life. I think though, that sometimes we need to embrace the goodness before us rather than spend our days wishing for what is not nor never will be. HIV is in our life and life as we once knew it has changed forever. I think that sometimes what's before us is a gift from God that we over-look, looking for how we want it to be.

It's taken me a long time to get to this place... The place of recognizing the unspoken gifts in our life starting with being alive when HIV could have taken your ass up out of here.

No, our life is not perfect, but there is no perfect life on this earthly planet, whether you have HIV or not. Coming to terms with this will bring you more peace that you can even imagine.

I don't know what you situation maybe, family, no family, but will you join me today in accepting the gift of life for your life?! We are still a part of God's plan and breath in our body is the greastest gift of all, espcially when you are facing a choinc illness like HIV. So embrace life with me today. Get out of the house and go somewhere. Isolation will kill your spirit and with a dead spirit there is no life. Merry Christmas!!!

Accpet The Gift of Life!!

HIV can be a lonely, isolating life. The holidays can be even lonelier. I know over the years for me this has been true. In recent years their have been Christmas days when I was sick and didn't really feel like socializing so I spent my day with my puppy. I have no living family and when I did, well mama was hell on wheels and sometimes I opted out of her chaos.

My therapist and I were talking a few weeks back about this family thing and while I have no biological family I do have family. People with whom I have history from years of connection like the  Rev. Jesse Jackson and Mrs. Jackson and family and others I bonded with over my political days. I even have new friends that I have connected with in a very strong way, like Tiara. Then there's my BFF Luke who came in town and spent the pass week with me. We ate our way through Chicago LOL.

When you think about it, family are the people that seal their love in your heart whether they share a blood line with you or not. I know living with this disease we tend to wish for days when HIV wasn't a part of our life. I think though, that sometimes we need to embrace the goodness before us rather than spend our days wishing for what is not nor never will be. HIV is in our life and life as we once knew it has changed forever. I think that sometimes what's before us is a gift from God that we over look, looking for how we want it to be.

It's taken me a long time to get to this place... The place of recognizing the unspoken gifts in our life starting with being alive when HIV could have taken your ass up out of here.

No, our life is not perfect, but there is no perfect life on this earthly planet whether you have HIV or not. Coming to terms with this will bring you more peace that you can even imagine.

I don't know what you situation may be, family, no family, but will you join me today in accepting the gift of life for your life?! We are still a part of God's plan and breath in our body is the greastest gift of all, espcially when you are facing a choinc illness like HIV. So embrace life with me today. Get out of the house and go somewhere. Isolation will kill your spirit and with a dead spirit there is no life. Merry Christmas!!!

9 More Days! Pay it Forward!!!

I'm so thankful for everyone that has donated to my GiveForward Life Fund!! Your support means the world to me. I underatand that no one has to do a thing for you, so my heart leaps with joy. We have not meet the goal and I'm hopeful in these last days we will. Click Here for background information.

There are 9 more days to donate to the GiveForward Life Fund on my behalf. The fundraiser ends December 31, 2013.  Click Here To Donate!

Tea With Rae! Holiday Teas and Hostess Gifts...

The holiday season has arrived and many of you will be receiving guests or making stops yourself. I thought that I would share the perfect teas for the season, from dessert teas to after dinner teas. You can serve them or you can pick them up for your hostess. Every great guest enters with something in their hand. While most people will bring an assortment of drinks, tea will be a great change of pace. Tea is a wonderful way to end a perfect dinner. I've chosen some of my favorites in black, green, herbal and Chai.

First on my list are After Dinner teas. At the top of my list is a seasonal tea that I look forward to every year. Joy Tea. This tea is absolutely divine. It's a perfect blend of black, oolong, jasmine and green tea.

While I didn't think that Tazo could improve on this tea blend, this year they added a hint of peach and all I can say is divine. This is a smooth tea that will compliment any dessert. It can only be purchased doing the holiday season at Starbucks. I typically pick up a few tins for the months after the holiday. This Tazo tea can be ordered online or you can drop into Starbucks and pick up a tin.

Earl Grey is my absolute favorite black tea. It's rich bergamot flavor add to black leaves gives black tea a welcomed pop.  While I tend to be a loose leaf person, my go to, is a tin of Tazo Earl Grey. Tazo bag teas are full leaf, thus rendering the same effect as loose left without the clean up. Earl Grey is perfect pairing with any dessert. This black tea will give you a caffeine boost after a heavy meal, but it has just enough flavor to give it a pop, but it won't overshadow your dessert.

This year Starbucks have a great selection of holiday mugs perfect for your hostess. I plan to pick up a couple for my tea cup collection. I love to drink my tea in as many different mugs as I drink in teas.

Also, at the top of my hostess gift list is  Mary J. Bilge Holiday CD. This is her first holiday CD and it is wonderful!! She has a variety of artists singing with her, including Barbara Streisand. I have listened to it often since  I picked it up a few weeks ago at Starbucks. Let's say, Mary J has certainly grown up.

Back to tea, sometimes after a large meal, you simply don't have room for dessert, but you want to have the taste of sweetness. My suggestion is a tea that taste just like a dessert.  My first recommendation is a new tea for me. Chocolate Chai by Adagio's Teas. I have never been big on Chai teas, but this tea is wonderful. This spicy chocolate tea is a blend of black tea, ginger root, cinnamon bark, cloves, cardamom, and coco nibs.

My all time favorite dessert tea is Coco Carmel Sea Salt by Teavana. This herbal tea taste just like its title. The first time I tried it, I couldn't decide if I felt like I was having a chocolate salt carmel cup cake from More Cupcakes or a sundae. I swear you will think this is cake or some decadent dessert. It's an herbal tea so there is no caffeine. It's made with sweet caramel, decadent chocolate, a hint of cream and a light sprinkling of sea salt. When I tell you this is delicious,  It's a WINNER!

You might have some guests that don't want chocolate, but still they want a tea with a rich flavor. My all time favorite oolong tea is also by Teavana, Spiced Mandarin Oolong. It's not as spicy as a chia tea but the rich flavors or orange, cinnamon, cloves, ginger and  pepper gives you an exotic flavor. Full Review Here.  A new seasonal tea at Teavana is Pumpkin Spiced Burlee Oolong. I sampled it a few weeks back and with the flavors of butterscotch carmel, toffee and vanilla I gave it a thumbs up. I plan to pick some up before they run out.


Now for sure you will have some guests that prefer green tea. Its half the caffeine of black and oolong teas and has the most health benefits. I know that since I've been on this health kick  these last few months. I've had more green tea than I have in my life-time. First up is Sakura Allure Green Tea. 

At the center is the Sakura flower grown in Japan and blended with pineapple, rose, hibiscus, cherry and mango. This is one of my favorite green desert teas. Full Review Here!

Last on my tea least, but certainly not least, are two new teas for me that I have yet to review. One of my girlfriends introduced me to Andrew's Own green teas. I love both the Organic Jasmine infused Green Tea and the Green Earl Grey. They can only be purchased at the Home Shopping Network.


For the tea lover, don't forget tea accessories. My handcrafted Tea Balls are a perfect gift! Shop Here!

And What About Dating?

A couple of  weeks ago my mentor asked me about my love life. I wasn't expecting the question but I gave an honest answer. It went something like this
“How's your love life?”
“I don't have a love life.”
"Do you want one?"
"Or are you done?"
"Well, I want a dating life but on my terms. I seem to find men who just want causal sex and I want someone to value me. I mean, sex for sex sake just ain't cutting it anymore for me, not at 51 years of age."
"I totally understand,"
"I mean, I am going around the country talking to young women about living whole. I'm just trying to practice what I preach."
"Do you want to get married again?”
“Well, now I think I may be done with marriage,” and we both laughed and continued to clean up the aftermath of Thanksgiving dinner. I've thought about that conversation a lot since Thanksgiving.

The fact of the matter I am still alive and would love some companionship. Call me idealistic but it would be great to listen to Mozart and read a book curled up under a man. I'm just not in the market for quick sex. For sure dating with a sexually transmitted disease (STD) is complicated but not impossible. Over the years, my dating life has taken so many different turns for sure. I remember those early days of HIV when I was living in secret and afraid of rejection. It was the hardest thing on the planet it seemed at the time. To disclose both of my STD's I thought was a hard bill of sale. To tell that I had herpes and HIV was harddddd and clothed with shame. You might be able to explain one mistake, but how do you explain two?

It was scary!! The thought of rejection was scary, but I knew that I couldn't live in isolation for the rest of my life. I also believed that I had a moral obligation to disclose. I just didn't see it as fair to take away a persons choice. At first I was so afraid to date and didn't for months after I was diagnosed with herpes. Then I met a guy that was all that and a bag of chips, so I finally disclosed and low and behold he had herpes also. Go figure! It was hard at first. Our sex life for sure had some road blocks. There were a couple of times when I was having an outbreak and he wasn't and vise-versa. Yet overtime it all seemed to workout. The only problem was, he was working it out with more than me and I don't share.

After him I learned to be more comfortable in my skin with the fact that I had herpes. Then came along HIV.  I had never been rejected even after herpes, "But who the heck would want me now?" I thought. You have to remember this was early in the AIDS Pandemic. HIV had only been around 6 years when I was diagnosed and the HIV antibody test was also new. The HIV antibody test was developed in 1985. I donated blood the winter of 1986 and learned that I was HIV positive the spring of 1987. Back then HIV was the STD of STD's. Who was going to date me? I was afraid beyond anything logical.

Then over time, I had to sink or swim. I couldn’t live in isolation for the rest of my life. I was a wonderful young woman who had a lot to offer. So I bit the bullet. After I became really comfortable with a man and was sure that I wanted to take it to the next level. I would disclose. I thought it important to disclose in a setting that was conducive to an honest discussion, like at the kitchen table with all my clothes on. I learned in those early days that people just wanted you to be honest with them.

I've come a long way since those early days. Married, divorced and dating yet again. My problem today dating with STD's isn't fear of rejection. It's finding a man who don't want to just “hit it and quit it,” as the young people say, but someone who wants to share a meal and listen to Mozart with me. Someone to cheer me on as I do this work around HIV/AIDS. Someone who isn’t ashamed to be dating “the woman with AIDS.”

I’ve learned over the years that it was so much easier for my dating life when my HIV status was a well kept secret. Then a man could date me without fear of judgment. People thought for sure that my ex-husband had HIV, which of course he didn’t. Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with two people with a STD dating, in fact it may even be an easier conversation. Thier is even an online dating matching service called Positive Singles.

My problem is, I tend to attract men who are not infected, who want to be with me, but are afraid of the “public” me, so they cling to the private me. Anyone who knows me, knows that I declared those days over years ago. If you cant walk with me in the daylight, we can't hug in the dark. I’m just saying!!

So here I am again, thinking about dating and wondering what my future holds. I’m so comfortable in my skin. Thank God that all my therapy has made me a better woman for me. Now if a man comes along and sees my value and respects my worth, it’s a date.

Taking Back Control...

In the month prior to going on this last round of IV medication I was on top of the world. Overall, I was feeling BETTER. My Irritable Bowl Syndrome (IBS) seemed to be under control. I was having regular, everyday bowel movements.  I had more energy and was feeling great. I believe the combination of my new diet, working out and juicing was the sum total of my better days. I've been eating Paleo since the middle of October. Basically, meat, vegetables, fruits nuts and seeds. No dairy, legumes, gains or refine sugar . I was juicing everyday and working out everyday. I love CrossFit. It is the workout to get me off the sofa and the people of at River North Crossfit have been very supportive.

Then WHAM! I got another herpes infection. Man, oh man, you talk about being hit from nowhere. Yet, I was still determined to not let the IV medication stop my routine. Somehow, though, it seems that I lost my control with no return. That first week I made it to CrossFit one time. My body just was not cooperating. This round of IV mediation hit me harder than any others while on Cidofovir. I'm typically able to bounce back a few days after the infusion before I have to go back for the next one.

This round I was weak and nauseous the entire time.  I wanted to juice, but had no energy and my meals were 90% carryout. I could barely make a cup of tea, so cooking wasn't even an option. This lead to some depression and the depression led to emotional eating and this led me right back to a hard case of IBS.  Last week was the first full week off IV medication and I was sure that I would start to bounce back. I did make it to the gym 3 times but working out was hard and when I came home I was done for the day. This of course led to more emotional eating, mostly sugar. It hit me by the weeks end that I was really constipated, again. It had snuck up on me from out of nowhere. My back pain has been intense since last week and I just don't feel good.

I get it today, clearer than I ever have.  My body needs certain things in this stage of my journey. There has been so much early damage to my immune system that my body needs help to be its best, especially as I age with HIV/AIDS. Yes, the antiviral medication keeps HIV under control, but basically thats all it does. So it's up to me to do the rest.

This week I'm back on it. I will be at the gym everyday, even if it means I come home and crash. If I keep working out, overtime I will have more energy, just like before. Yes, it's disheartening on some level, that I seem to be right back where I was 3 months ago. That first month of doing CrossFit was hard and I wasn't able to do a whole lot afterwards. I know in time it will render the results I'm shooting for, so I have to start somewhere.

Yep, I'm taking back my control.  I Love myself enough to be good to myself. I only have one me and the choices I make today will impact my tomorrow. I wish I understood this when I was 20, before herpes, before HIV, but I can't beat myself up about what I didn't know. Instead I will take what I do know and use it to my advantage for my best life.

When I leave the gym, I'm stopping at the store to pick up items to get back to juicing everyday and I will be cooking, even if it's a light meal. I'm getting back to my chiropractor this week and trying some other alternative things like acupuncture and massage therapy at a new alternative clinic.

When I feel like I want to cling to food to comfort me, I will pop a grape in my month or have a slice of pineapple, rather than a cookie. Yes, there's sugar in fruit, but it's natural sugar and that's better than refined sugar any day. If I don't have the will-power to not eat emotionally right now, then I will eat the things that will do the least amount of damage to my body. Anyway, on the Paelo diet you can eat as much fruit as you want.

I've learned somethings about my body these last 3 months, it really does operate better under certain conditions. Every time I tried to have a big meal of pasta or some other unhealthy food, my nausea was compounded and my bloating was at full force. While I don't seem to be able to control herpes, I'm taking back the control I do have. I'm doing it today and I'm not giving it up again. My body is all I have and I want to be my best me for the rest of my life, even with HIV/AIDS.

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Each Day Renders A Right Now!!

At the Chemo Clinc on Tuesday

Well, here I go again!! I started IV medication last Tuesday and this week makes round two. I know for sure that I least have one more round. What a way to spend Thanksgiving week! Things had been going great until now. Other than recovering from the liposuction, I really can't complain. BTW, the heeling from the liposuction is going well to! The swelling is going down daily. The doctor said it will take about 3-4 months to fully recover. I have more to say about this another blog coming soon. 





It's seems that this life style change I have under gone with my diet and exercise is rendering some great results. My Irritable Bowl Syndrome (IBS) was under control and I was feeling better overall. I wasn't blogging much, not sure why because I have lots to say,  but I was pressing my way in other ways.






Then BAM, here I go again. So my life is turned upside down again. I'm sick as shit from the side-effects of the IV medication. Nausea and fatigue is the order of the day. Yesterday, I was so sick the smell of food made me sicker. I'm to weak to work-out and cook and juicing went to hell in a hand basket. So this week I realized that my IBS is flaring up yet again. Yep, I'm constipated yet again. So for sure I know now that juicing and working out was actually the thing to get my bowels moving and was the thing that was making me feel better overall.









It's seems that this herpes continues to be the thorn in my flesh. It's been almost four months since my last round of IV medication and I was hopeful that it would be much longer before I had to travel this round again. You can search my blog for herpes to get more back ground. 



But basically I have drug resistant herpes. A very aggressive genial herpes that has been complicated by my impaired immune system. Herpes also attacks my nervous system causing nerve pain in my back and feet mostly. For the last 7 years, the only thing that will treat this form of herpes is two very aggressive anti-viral medications taken intravenously, cidofovir and foscarnet. I'm on cidofovir now. It's a once a week, all day infusion at the chemo infusion clinic and it wipes me out.







Yesterday I was so sick that I didn't want to do anything but be. It seems that this round is taking a toll on me. Typically, I'm able to bounce back and get back to some of my normal routine about 3 days after the infusion. Which is great, because I'm able to be human again before I have to go back for the next round.



 But this time I'm just not bouncing back and that has left me with a funky attitude. I hate having a funky attitude, but being all chipper is hard when you feel like crap. I don't know how those, happy go-lucky, praise the lord people do it. You know what I'm talking about. You ask, "How ya doing?" and they say, "blessed and highly favored!!!" in that cheerleader beat and the world is falling down around them. Me on the other hand, I be like, "How the fuck you think I'm doing,?" *hangs head* 







At the Chemo Clinc on Tuesday

I just don't have it in me to fake it, until I make it. There's something about faking it, that adds an extra burden. Not only do you have to figure out how to keep your head above water, but then you gotta find extra energy, keeping that cheerleader beat. It's easier for me to just sit still, accept that my capacity is limited and take the time to get better. In the end, I can give an honest answer about how I feel. And y'all  know that honesty is my only policy!!



I've done real well in seeking out alternative methods to be as healthy as I possibly can both physically and emtionally, and for sure I'm still searching. I'm thinking about adding medication to my routine and that my help me get through those dark moments a tad better. For now, I just listen to a little gospel music and cuddle with my baby girl, Sophie. 



Living with HIV/AIDS and all the complications that come with it, could be a full time job. It certainly is a life style of its own. But even so, each new day renders a right now. So instead of faking it, I'm embracing the right now and seeking avenues to make the right now better. There is healing in the honesty of your right now. There's an African Proveb that I love and take that with me in all things, in all areas of my life, "He who conceals his disease cannot expect to be cured." Embrace your right now in truth.

RLT Collection Pre-Holiday Day SALE!

RLT Collection is having  Pre-Holiday Sale! Take 30% off your entier sale, including already markeddown items!  The Copun Code at check out is PreHoliday!! This Sale will end Thanksgiving day! SHOP HERE!