Rae Lewis-Thornton's Blog, page 16

Never Doubt Your Place in this Space!!

Last year this time I was trying to scarp up money to go to BlogHer. I knew it was an important conference in the life of a blogger. Thanks to some of my biggest supporters, friends I've met through twitter, off to the Big Apple I went. I met a lot of sponsors and a lot of bloggers.



I got a lot of stuff "freebies" from companies us wanted us to blog about their product. I got a lot of helpful hits on how to make my blog better. But when I left, I had not met one person in BlogHer's leadership nor had I secured one sponsor for my blog.







In the year following the conference  I came up with some Aha Moments. For sure my blog is a serious content blog. For sure it will remain first person. My blog is my journey, my life, my opinion, my laughable moments, my good, bad and ugly. My blog is about my life, when I shit on myself and when others shit on me. I'm ok with the path that I've taken because my gift is my life. Ironically, my life has also been my curse. It's been such a painful journey for me from birth to 51, but yet God has given me that extra; the stuff that makes me keep going when I wanta quit. 




I had resolved that I may never get a sponsor and I'm ok with that. I'm ok because my blog is not about making money, it's about enriching the life's of others. I share my life with the hope that someone will keep going, will do something different, something better about their lives.






So low and behold, I was knocked out of bed one morning when I received an email from BlogHer asking me to be the closing keynote speaker for their HealthMinder Day! Shut Up!! I mean someone else thinks that what I do is worth sharing. WOW! So tomorrow I will have what's called a keynote conversation. Interviewing me in front of hundred's of bloggers will be Jeannine Harvey the Social Media director of the powerful organization Onemoms. 




We will discuss my groundbreaking work in Social Media; How I've used Social Media to advance the issues of HIV/AIDS. We will talk about how I've built my brand though my authentic, candor and transparency. I'm honored to have been asked to talk about what I do and why I do it. I've said it over and over, I came to Social Media when my speaking engagements died up with the dead economy because God still had work for me to do. Social Media was a free forum  to continue to challenge stigma around HIV, educate and give hope.



I'm proud that I've been able to grow with the 21st century I've been criticized for my candor and transparency. I've even been criticized for my overall use of Social Media. Tomorrow is worth every negative conversation about me and my work. I'm honored that BlogHer, recognizing my ground breaking use of Social Media and I'm excited about giving other bloggers some insight  on how to grow their brand through the use of Social Media. I'm honred to be among the list of keynote speakers. U. S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Seblius is the opening speaker.



What I know for sure is this simple. If you follow the path that God has chosen for you... God will make room for your gifts. Never doubt your place in this space called the universe. 

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Just Keep On Keeping On!

This is my latest You Tube UpDate...  Just know that no matter what you are facing, keep on keeping on.. God will never forsake you...





Just a little up date on my life as I continue to muddle through this life...

Making Sense of Sisterhood: A Retospective on Delta Sigma Theta!

As Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. celebrates their centennial anniversary this week, I'm muddling through still trying to make sense of the meaning of Sisterhood.



I remember the day that I was inducted into Delta Sigma Theta, I walked that aisle with tears streaming down my face. Never in my wildest imagination did I think my dream of being a Delta would come true.



I always wanted to be a Delta. It's just that my first two years in college I was so busy in politics registering my classmates to vote, boycotting the university's foundation because of it's investments in apartheid South Africa, that I never got around to pledging. Then I quit school to hit the road to work on Rev. Jesse Jackson's presidential campaigns and by the time I went back to school I was 27 and then I made a transition to AIDS. When I made a transition to AIDS, I knew that I would never be a Delta. Back then, the life expectancy was 2-3 years at most for someone living with "full-blown" AIDS.





Even as my health was failing and I crisscrossed this country trying to educate, telling my story to as many as I could before I died, I still had Delta in my heart. College students would ask me if I pledged and I would respond, "No, but I'm a Delta Wanta Be." I would joke and say, "Ima have them engrave that on my tombstone, "Delta Wanna Be."



Then as I rose to fame in my HIV/AIDS activism, Alpha Kappa Alpha, Sorority, Inc. was the first to call. It was an unofficial /official call to see if I wanted it. It was a done deal I was told, if I said yes. I took a deep breath and said, while I respect your organization, I cannot accept. I have always wanted to be a Delta and it wouldn't be fair to you for me to wear your letters. Delta didn't call for another 4 years, but they called.





The Day I was Inducted!

As the convention open's today, the thought that I am not walking down that aisle with other Honorary members is beyond my understanding. The rescinding of my Honorary Membership on May 1, 2012, 12 years after I was inducted, is still baffling to me.



 I've been to every convention since I was inducted but two. One I missed because it was around the same time I graduated from seminary, and the other I missed because I never got a return call from the national office. I had been struggling with my health and got a late start.



The 12 years that I was a member of Delta, I went to conventions and I hung with Soror's and gave my support to the sorority as best as I could. Often coming home so wiped out it would take over a week to re-group with my health.



While some will say get over it. I say, this is not your life and it's easier for you to dismiss my pain. Delta has always been in my heart. I had Soror's tell me that they had never seen Honorary members until me, stay the entire convention and hang out with Soror's. I attend even the collegiate events. That was me, I was all in!





Hanging with Soror's the day I was inducted

So today, I'm trying to make sense of the meaning of Sisterhood. I'm sure many Delta's want me to stop talking about this. I get it, who wants to face the reality of what the national executive committee has done.



Be clear, I'm never going to stop talking about this ever because I understand when we stop talking about something, we silence history. Just like pledges have to know who Honorary members are and their accomplishments, I will continue to tell my story of this sad and painful ending.





Me and other Honorary Members 

This blog is a year retrospective. For more details about my relationship with Delta Sigma Theta and the events that lead to my Honorary Membership being rescinded, you can view the video below or read this blog post Here!




For sure, Delta Sigma Theta Sorority has written me off like I NEVER existed! They have shut me out like I'm dead. It seems like I'm a memory that they would rather not have, like I was the worst thing that ever happened to Delta and maybe for some I am.



Understand, as an Honorary member I was held in high esteem. The collegiate's loved me because I showed them love. They had never had an Honorary member that was willing to come to the Delta House on campus to hang out or to go out to lunch/dinner with them, while speaking in the area. I gave love and I felt loved.





at convention 2008

I often talked about not having any family and Soror's would say, we are your family now; we got you Soror. In fact, I became such a popular Honorary member both in the sorority and outside the sorority that I was told often, that during sorority membership intake my name was one of the most mentioned of notable Delta's.



I was told by girls on college campuses that they had never considered pledging until they learned that I was a Delta and saw the high esteem with which I regarded my sorority.  Coping with this abandonment and lost has been hard for sure.



As I reflect today, I could have never imaged that my truth telling tweets on February 16, 2011, would have ended in my expulsion from Delta.



May 1, 2012, the day that I received the call from the national president, Cynthia Butler McIntrye I felt like life had been kicked out of me. I felt like a hollow shell and I wasn't quite sure how I was going to restore myself. The sorrow that I felt around Delta's decision was so fucking overwhelming and all consuming. 





Me and Soror's at FAMU

At the center of the debate was what kind of woman I am. Can you image what it feels like for other people to assign worth to you, especially women? For Delta to have told me that I was worth something and then change their mind over some tweets. Can you imagine what it felt like to have women in private chat rooms on Facebook of which I belonged, to talk about me like I was a freaking dog but who had been calling me Soror, Sister for years?



 Shit, if cursing defined me, then I was dome from the beginning. Delta should have just passed me up. I think I came out of my mother's womb cursing and if I didn't, I should have and first off  asked my mother, "What the fuck was on her mind shooting heroin with a baby growing inside her womb?















When I look at this picture that prompted the phone conversation with Rose McKinney, this picture of happy times, of me and other Honorary members my heart hurts.



These pictures were on my business website in a page dedicated to Delta. I wanted to show my Delta pride and did every chance I got. Who would have thought this would cause me to no longer be a Delta. To think I'm not hanging out with my partner in love Sheryl Lee Ralph this weekend. She was inducted into Delta as an Honorary member after me, but we had worked together around HIV years prior. We hung tight at convention and it was a special bond of our work in HIV and Sisterhood.









When Rose Mckinney informed me that "Delta reserves the right to publish all pictures in ceremony robes" then asked if I could I take them down. I said, "Absolutely Soror." That in my opinion should have been the end of the conversation.




Rose had a couple of opportunities to say, Ok Soror, I understand that you are on the road, will you take them down as soon as possible and let me know that they are down. 




That was all it really took to bring closure to that conversation. But she kept hollering at me, "They need to come down now." After I hung up on her, she continued to call me back to back to back... then she text me.  Delta has sent a message loud and clear, that it is O.K. to be treated any kind of way by the national headquarters, by women who call you Sister.




 I find it distressing that I was left powerless by an event that did not originate from me. What message does it send to undergraduates pledging, that they cannot tell of infractions? Does my expulsion send a message that you must hurt or vent in private?  I'm really trying to understand Sisterhood. And while some would say that my problem in understanding is because I didn't pledge, I will say to you, I went through the same induction ritual and my heart felt the same joy as yours the day you were inducted. 











I look at this picture of these three very accomplished African-American women and I can't do nothing but hurt. On the far left is Bishop Vashti McKenzie the national chaplain of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority. Her grandmother was also a founding member of Delta. She carries a rich legacy of the organization.





 She is also the first female Bishop in the African Methodist Episcopal Church. As an Honorary member of Delta, I was in close quarters with Bishop McKenzine often at convention. She often showed concern about my health and extended herself to me as our chaplain and a woman of God. 




I look at her and I wonder why she never picked up the phone to offer me some pastoral care in the midst of my world collapsing. Was Delta more important to her than offering a woman you called Soror, Sister for 12 years, a fellow clergy and most importantly, a child of God in pain, some comfort? Not even a call to pray with me as I hurt.






My hurt was obvious. The pain was visible to anyone who saw it. 







Then I look to the far right. That's Rev. Dr. Gwendolyn Boyd. She became the national president of Delta Sigma Theta, the year that I was inducted into Delta.



When she was national president, her agenda for both terms was HIV/AIDS. This is probably the reason I was asked to be a member of Delta; so that the President's agenda could be furthered by use of me. As I explained in my book, The Politics of Respectability, it is a long standing practice of Delta Sigma Theta to bring in honorary members around their national agenda.



Inducting me was a big move. It gave the appearance that Delta was doing something about HIV/AIDS. Those four years of Rev. Boyd's term, Delta used me across this country. I spoke at International Day of Service year after year, chapter after chapter, sometimes two cities in one day, as well as, Founder's Day. I was a highly sought after speaker in Delta, doing what I do, raw, uncut, transparent, honest, candid and cursing like a sailor.



Bringing me into the Sisterhood was a win win for Rev. Gwendolyn Boyd, with her focus being HIV/AIDS, but now I think about her, I ask was it all for show? I mean, she has not reached out to me in anyway. I mean, did her concern for me as a black woman living with AIDS, her pride in my work cease when my membership in the organization ceased?



 I'm wondering is there any love afforded me now that I don't belong to your Sisterhood? Does, who I stand for or my contributions mean anything? I was called  Sister, Soror for 12 years, was it all a lie? Most importantly, I still have AIDS. I still do the work of HIV.  Does that mean anything? Is there any concern for the my work in HIV and my health in HIV?





Finally, the current seated national president in the far back, Cynthia Butler McIntrye. I'm still blown away by her approach to this matter. She is an expert in Human Resource, yet she dropped the ball on me.



The first conversation I had with Cynthia Butler McIntrye was the day, February 16, 2011, I made those tweets. We aired out the drama that passed between me and Rose McKinney, the director of the national office. Cynthia and I ended the conversation on what I thought was a conclusion to the matter.



In spite of the fact that I felt like I was being dealt with, I believed Cynthia to be fair. I was expecting the President of my sorority to call me back, maybe bring me and Rose together in someway to call and make-up, to equally apologize for her nasty ass attitude and approach to me and my nasty ass tweets, a respond to her nasty approach.





I must say this over and over again, the day that I talked to Cynthia, I wanted clarification, and the last thing I asked her in the conversation Feb 16, 2011 was, "Soror, am I being put out of Delta over this?"



Cynthia, replied, "No Soror, no one is putting you out of Delta over this. I'm going to ask that you don't talk about it publicly anymore. I just need time to smooth things over."  I kept my Word and that was the last conversation I had with her.







So this Human Resource expert, in 14 months didn't see fit to call me again to inform me that the matter was still being discussed. Is this how we treat women we call sister? Is this how we treat women we say we love. In 14 months, no one from the leadership thought to discuss this matter with me in anyway.



 Now a year and two months later, nothing has changed, no one in the leadership has called me. I still haven't received anything in writing. I'm so trying to understand Sisterhood. How can these same women stand for 12 years when I enter a room and then drop me like I'm a plague?





Maybe one could argue that they are mad that I went public. But I trusted my president and my sorority's leadership to do what was right by both me and Rose. I will say it again, I trusted Cythina, I removed the tweets, I accepted silence out of respect for her and I was a woman of my word.



This second time around, I could see no reason to be quiet. To save who's face? As it stood, my face was the one bloody and bowed. The damage was already done!



How, Delta has dealt with me leaves a painful bitter taste in my mouth. The fact that I have not heard from ANYONE in the leadership is painful and it makes me question Sisterhood at its core. In fairness, I have had countless Soror's reach out to me to offer words of encouragement and support. Maybe the leadership can learn something from the masses. And of course Sheryl Lee Ralph and I continue our friendship.





In retrospect, I can sit back a year later and be even clearer than I was on May 1, 2012, Delta invited me into their Sisterhood because of my service and commitment to HIV work that started long before that invitation.



In those 12 years of membership my methodology, nor did my personality, change. At the end of the day, Delta rescinding my membership was some small, petty shit. I don't know who lead the fight to get me out, but I hope they are happy.



 It's all good, at the end of the day, this kind of venom makes me question Sisterhood. A Sisterhood that can throw you away like trash over some tweets. A Sisterhood who does not give you voice, instead meet behind your back in the name of Sisterhood.  





I continue to go back to this quote in my book, from past national president Lillian P. Benbow-1971-1975









"When I look at you, I see myself. If my eyes are unable to see you my sister, it is because my own vision is blurred. And if that be so, then it is I who need you either because I do not understand who you are, my sister, or because I need you to help me understand who I am."





This quote rings true for accepting women for who they are, rather than who you want them to be. People, I believe are their best when they are able to shine in who God crafted them to be. I never want to be a better anybody, I just want to be my best me.



I address this issue in my book,  Just like David couldn't fight the giants in Sauls Armour, nor do I operate in the decorum of what others deemed "respectable." God gifted David with a sling shot and David was at his best when he operated in his gifts.



That's what I do everyday, I operate in my gifts crafted out of my journey. At the end of the day, that's all we should strive to be, one crafted out of our journey for the task, just for your design.  God told Jeremiah, "Before I made you in your mothers womb, I choose you. Before you were born I set you apart for a special work. "(Jeremiah 1:5)



 I may never be "respectable" by your standards, by Delta's standard and I'm good with that, because all I really need to please is God and me.






As I look back on that rainy day in May and the immediate weeks that followed, I thought my life had flatlined. This sisterhood had took the life out of me. Now, a year later, I can look back and say it didn't kill me. Duh!!!!



God's plan for my life didn't change because Delta changed their mind. So, I don't get invited to speak by any Delta chapters anymore, but God will make room for my gift. As has been obvious this year. I've even been told Delta's who are in authority at a couple of colleges I spoke at this year questioned the organizers about bringing me and were told by the organizers that my work transcended my issue with Delta. Thank God for that!









In this year, I was reminded yet again. What don't kill you, makes you just a little stronger? I was reminded yet again, that in every situation there is something to learn about yourself and others. I was reminded that the Lord instructed us to have no other Gods before us. I had placed Delta on a pedestal and it came tumbling down on my head and heart. Leaving the one and only God to put me back together again.



I have more perspective than I even had. This issue with Delta, made me soul search! I have become even more comfortable in my skin. My entrance into this world has defined me. I spent my first 6 months of life, sucking an umbilical cord laced in heroine. I was born a stray dog,  dressed myself up in designer clothes and  got 27 years of education, but at my very core, I'm still a stray dog. The goodness in this is that God can use a stray dog, even if Delta can't.











Post Script: My book The Politics of Respectability was written 22 days after Delta rescinded my membership. To have a better understanding of my full relationship with Delta, my work and my methodology you should read my book.



You can get an autographed copy of my book, The Politics of Respectability! Link Here! It is also on Amazon, paper back and Kindle HERE

Some Days I Want To Give The Fuck Up!

Some days I want to give the fuck up and that's some real talk right here. I've lived with HIV for 30 years and I've known my status for 27 of those years and this has been one fuckin hard ass journey and that's for real, for real. My pill load, the ups and down, the infections, the fatigue, the judgements, the doctors, the endless tests, the stigma, the side-effects from the medications, the trying to keep health insurance, trying to keep me alive, the growing old with a disease that's younger than me, all of this is enough to make you want to just stop!





On top of HIV/AIDS I've had to figure out my way in this world a lot sooner than I should have had too. As a child growing up, I had to try to out think Mama to protect myself from her, which no child on this planet should have to do.







Little Rae

At the same time, I learned all this self-destructive behavior that I thought was normal because the abnormal was normal.  Men who should have been protecting me, instead violated me and that was a way of life. I've literally been putting food on my table since October of my senior year of high school.



I was 15 minutes late for my curfew and Mama told be to go back where the fuck I had come from. For real! The next day I called home and she said, "Come get your shit bitch!" And that what that. She was mad that her husband was mad and he left. In my assessment, he was mad because I was old enough now to protect myself, since Mama had clearly failed to do so the 5 years that we had been a family unit.   




Then I  had to learn what normal was and apply it to a life that was abnormal. Don't you know it's easier to do what you know over what's right. My life has been a fuckin hard ass mess. But I never quit even when I wanted too. I got 27 years of education with honors, I've worked tirelessly my entire adult life to help the human race live and have a better life. I never quit in all the madness I've been faced with. 






Then I got Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. trying to tell me that I'm not good enough for them anymore after 12 years of service to them and a life time to the human race. Women are still gossiping about me, trying to explain to themselves and justify the rescinding of my honorary membership. Shit, they should give me a fuckin crown for the shit I have overcome and achieved in spite of. If I'm not an example of a strong black woman, whose fidelity is stronger than her pain, then I don't know who the fuck is. Oh, I forgot, I curse and I'm vulgar and that's an embarrassment  to Delta Sigma Theta. 




(If you want to get up to date on the Delta drama read my book, The Politics of Respectability, You can get it from Amazon  Click Here paper and kindle or you can order from my website for an autographed copy, Click Here)





So here I am at 51 years of age still trying to keep my head above water. As of late I've felt more overwhelmed and my crisis management skills have short circuited. I'm back on IV medication and this one is not a false alarm. For sure I'm having a herpes outbreak because the pain to my Clit is almost unbearable; yes I said Clit! When I feel that pain I wish to hell I had never opened my legs. But some shit can't be undone, you just have to face your culpability  in your pain and git and bare it. (You can search Herpes on my blog to get background on why I have to do IV medication.) The bottom line. I have drug resistant herpes that is complicated by AIDS and the only treatment that will make me better is IV medication. 






TUE Getting IV Medication

 I decided to do the IV medication at the clinic instead of at home because I didn't have it in me to deal with my mediport drama. And no they have not fixed the problem because two nurses tried to access it on Tuesday and couldn't.



So it seems that the only person that can access the port is the chief of (IV) Intervention Medicine at RUSH Presbyterian Hospital and he keeps telling me that there's nothing wrong with it. Sigh. Click Here for background on the Mediport



It's a once a week IV infusion, every Tuesday in the Chemo Clinic. I probably have at least two more rounds. This medicine is a bit more toxic than the one I have at home. I have to take medication to protect my kidneys while I'm on it. The side effects to both is a nightmare




So I started IV med on Tuesday. It's about an 8 hour day and a 5 hour infusion. I've spent the last 3 days sick as shit in bed and today is the first day of any work this week. Projects and commitments have gone the fuck out the window. I'm sad to say that Bracelet orders are packed and sitting at the door to be mailed and I'm depressed at shit. On top of that, business has been painfully slow and  I'm not sure how I'm keeping the lights on and the phone bill paid. It has been a day to day thing in the last few months and that's for real. 






And I tell you what, it feels like I've reach some kind of limit. I'm on over the fuck load. Most days I'm trying just as hard to figure out how to pay a bill equally as much, to not let depression take me the fuck out of here. I mean, I don't think it would be a cute look to let depression do what HIV/AIDS hasn't been able to do in 30 years. I'm just sayin...






So yes in all honesty, some days more of late, I feel like I want to give the fuck up. Then I start thinking about Sophie and she needs a Mommie. Then I start to think about the people who love me and the pain I would cause them. Then I think about God's plan for my life. The Bible says, "I formed you in your Mothers Womb." Really God? So you knew all along?







Sophie has been sticking to me like glue these last few days!

 Like when I think about it, I spent 6 months in my mothers womb sucking an umbilical cord laced in heroine and God keep me alive for this hard ass journey. Like are you kidding me God?



But at the end of each day, I get it! That God's master plan for this universe is for the goodness of God's people.  That means that God can take my nasty ass life and use it... Use it for someone other than me... Use it for the goodness of others. Use is for those who feel like they can go on because I do. 




 In my heart I have to believe that God's plan for my life is bigger than any one thing that I'm facing. So I don't quit even when I feel like I can't go on, I just do. I do because a selfless life is a life well lived. If God loved me enough to keep me here, then I have to love me enough to keep me here. So I muddle through these painful, difficult days, one day at a time. Now what's so amazing  to me is that God continues to show me the wonder of His/Her miracles. When the phone bill has been extended and the cut off date is fast approaching, even as close as a day before, from somewhere I get a small miracle. 






So I keep going because God's plan is bigger than my pain. I keep going because even small miracles come from God. We keep waiting on the pie in the sky, when God sometimes only gives fresh mana for the day.




In the end, all we can do is to keep moving. There is life in movement. For me, it's walking Sophie when I don't want to bath. It's reading a book, exercising my mind even if I don't want to move my body.



Sometimes it's moving from the bedroom to the living room with the big picture window so I can be reminded of God's wonder, the trees, the birds, the flowers, the sounds, the people, even living in a modest building amongst 4 million dollar houses make me smile. All these things remind me that I am alive. There is hope in being alive because I understand that life means that I'm still a part of God's earthly plan.  So I don't give the fuck up, I just keep going with the understanding that God's plan is bigger than my pain.

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RLT Reads: Summer Book Picks!

The summer has finally arrived and many of you will be vacationing and looking for a book to take on your trip. Me myself, well I'll be at my regular, that is, reading every evening to relax and clear my head.



I love reading and thats a fact. When I read, I allow someone else's imagination to take me on a journey. It's a place where I never think about my life with AIDS. It's a safe place away from my pain.





There is nothing like a good book so I wanted to share my summer picks with you! First off, are some of my favorite authors.  I was devastated when Walter Mosley killed off Easy Rawlins, his swanky private detective centered in Los Angles from the time span after War World Two through the 50's-60's. Mystery is one of my favorite genre's and I was a late comer to Walter Mosley, but once I started I couldn't put him down. He just released his latest, Little Green! I can wait to pick it up!



Next is an author that is one of the greatest writers of my era. When I tell you his first two books, A Thousand Splendid Suns and Kite Runner were magnificently written, I mean it! I have placed A Thousand Splendid Suns in the top 5 books that I have ever read. Well, Khaled Hosseini is at it yet again, he recently released And The Mountains Echoed.  His books are heavy and complex so be prepared.





When I learned that this next book was being released I was overjoyed. When I tell you that The Devil Wears Prada was one of my great reads, it was. I laughed and got mad all in the same page and thats a good read! Well, Lauren Weisberger has released, Revenge Wears Prada and it is a must read for the fans of The Devil Wears Prada. I'm hopeful that it will be equally as fun as the first. I consider this a light read.









I also though that I would step out of my comfort zone for a change. Since I've been on Good Reads, I've learned about so many authors. I'm in a book club that reads books by people of color and these are some of their reads and while, I'm behind, I certainly plan to read them all this summer.



First up is an author whose name has been dropped by me on many occasions. I have been planning to read Nigerian born, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie,  first book Half of a Yellow Sun. After reading Little Bee, it was highly recommended to have an African perspective of the Nigerian civil war. Well, she has released a new book this summer that has gotten great reviews. Americanah is about living in America and being African and the difference that means from being African-American. As soon as I finish reading Eric Jerome Dickey's Waking With Enemies ( A Girl Has Got To Have a Little Fun)  I'm going to Americanah. Both of  Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie books are on my summer read list, Half of a Yellow Sun and Americanah.







Ghana Must Go, by Taiyle Selasi is up next. Taiyle, is a London born African who was raised in the United States. Ghana Must Go is a narrative that explores the modern African family and the importance of where we come from to who we are. This novel takes us from Accra, to Lagos to London to New York.  "Ghana Must Go teaches us that the truth we speak can heel the wounds we hide."





Last but not least is. The Garden of Evening Mists by Tan Twan Eng.  A Penang born author who was raised in Malaysia. The Garden of Evening Mists is his second novel. This book main character is a young woman Malaya and centered in 1951. Malaya is the long survivor of a Japanese wartime camp who seeks solace among the jungle-fringed tea plantations of Cameron Highlands.

O. K., so you know that the main character finding refugee in a tea planation had me hooked, line and sinker. I can't wait to read this book.



Well, this is my summer reading list. Now you know, Ill be reading others in between these. I always try to pick up something light after a heavy read. For sure, I'll be reviewing all of my summer reads! Happy Reading!!!

Living In The Light and Darkness of Life...

Two days ago I wanted to blog about living life to the fullest! Yep, I still have dreams at 51 having lived over half my life with HIV. Then, this morning when I woke, I wanted to blog about drowning, that is, feeling like you're drowning in the shit called life.



Then, as I laid in bed trying to face another day with another headache from one of my HIV medications, of which I've had for the last 3 days, I started thinking about how one can have so many emotions wrapped up into one being, one existence. But that's how life is, a lot of grey and the black and white tend to be that, two very different shades that renders two very different outlooks. Even when you wear all white or all black, they do different things and both speak volumes with just one look.





So how does one live with purpose and dreams when it feels like you're drowning in shit? I tell you how, one day at a time and even sometimes by the hour and minute. Like yesterday, I was so overwhelmed; overwhelmed with the fact that my head won't stop hurting. Days like that make me hate HIV medication.




Overwhelmed with the fact I feel like I'm sleep deprived, but yet I've had at least 9-10 hours every night this week. Days like that I hate HIV. 






Overwhelmed with the fact that I've invested everything I have into RLT Collection and I mean every penny, even to the point of reducing my life style luxuries, like I turned my cable off. Yep, I thought what's the point when I'm always reading anyway and I typically get all of my breaking news from Twitter new's feeds so I turned it off last week. But for sure, I miss the luxury of turning on TNT and watching Law and Order whenever I want too.



I stopped my Sunday New York Times delivery and Lord knows I enjoy sitting in bed on Sunday before church sipping tea and reading the book reviews they send with the paper. I reduced my landline phone service, don't use it anyway. I stopped my water delivery, sad about that one and ummm the list goes on.



So I'm trying to build this business and sales have been very low in the last few months. The two have not been in sic, Investment and Sales. Now I know that slumps happen, I just have to weather this storm.



Overwhelmed is not the word for me right now, with literally no eggs in the refrigerator and the headache from hell. 






Yet,  I'm also overwhelmed by the good things that are happening in my life because the bad things confuses the good things and place you in some weird kind of limbo.



Like I know I'm moving toward some kind of breakthrough with RLT Collection. In the last 16 months, minus the last few I've grown by leaps and bonds. My Instagram account is growing daily, thank God for the help I have running it daily.



I'm in the process of designing some pieces for Quad Webb-Launceford, from Bravo's Married To Medicine. Today I officially launch necklaces to my collections and I'm actually talking to a department store about a trunk show, which takes over a year or more sometimes to happen. So I know I'm on  the verge of a breakthrough, my HARD work will pay off, but when you have nothing to pay the bills in the right now, the blessings of tomorrow seems so out of reach.






How do you stay sane, long enough to receive your miracle, your blessing, your breakthrough? You remember that each day is a miracle, a break thought and a blessing. Most importantly, you keep living in your right now! It's not enough to be alive and muddle through life. When we only do that, we squander the gift of life.




Honestly, I do little things to find solace in the mist of chaos. I read for example. A good book takes my imagination and spirit to a new place. In the pages of a good book, I don't have to think about the headache that I currently feel. It doesn't cure me of my headache, but it cures me of the stress of the headache.




I take it one day at a time and like I said earlier, some days one hour. It's like this, one hour I read and then another hour I bead. Can't let all my hard work on RLT Collection go to hell with a headache.  I may not be able to do detail work on my bracelets, like wire wrapping or knotting, but I can put beads on stretch and that gets that bracelet one step closer to being finished.






I don't surrender to the darkness! The key to my life has been finding the balance that is rooted in both my hope for a better tomorrow, my faith that God has promised me better tomorrow's, patience and understanding that God's tomorrow is not on my time frame and the absolute understanding that I live in this life because in the face of light and darkness, today is the guarantee of God's blessing on your life.



How do I know, just do this simple thing right now, put your hand in front of your mouth, now blow. You feel the hot air? Awwww that's a blessing from God! The two sides of life has a way of overwhelming us in our right nows, but as long as you remember that there is a blessing in all things, you can go on with what you are facing in the right now. 







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You Mad Cause Why? But You Knew He Was Married!

I heard her say, "I'm so stressed out." Yep, I was ear hustling in the gym about a month ago. I didn't  mean to, but she was talking so loud. Then she said,

"He's married!"



You know I really started listening then. Shoot I wanted to hate her with him. Girl bonding in the gym and I didn't even know her. She was so dramatic as she walked on the elliptical and talked to her friend on the phone.


"YES!"

"MARRIED! "She said. 

"Im so repulsed." She took a deep breath.

"I hate he ever touched me!" 

You know she had me by then. I was locked in, rock, stock and barrel. I started feeling sad for her. 

"That Bastard," I mumbled to myself. Why do men continue to play that stupid ass game? You want some choochiee other than your wife's that's between you and God, but at least be honest. Give a woman a choice. Let her know what she's giving her body, mind and spirit over too. Let her determine your worth for her. She kept talking and I kept right on listening.






"Yes!"

"His wife posted a picture of him on his Facebook page getting ready to have a procedure."

"I can't believe that!"

"His WIFE!"

"I'm soooo repulsed!"

I had to laugh, Facebook will spill the beans every time. I was feeling really sorry for this woman. Then it got COMPLICATED! I heard her say,

"I asked him if he was married?"




 Hummmm so I wondered immediately did she have a reason to think he might be married or was she just doing the standard check that I ask right out, 1) Are you married 2) Have you ever had sex with a man 3) When was the last time you were tested for HIV? Yep, those are my three and they should be yours too! It's called self-love and self-care! 






She knocked me out of my thoughts when she said

"I kept asking him, if he was married." 

Another red flag.

"Why would she kept having to ask him if he was married?" I though to myself. Once should have been enough!



So this really was COMPLICATED! I shifted in my thoughts from a woman bonding over a sorry ass men to Life Coach Rae! I tuned back to her conversation.




"He kept pursuing me and keep pursing me," she said all dramatically.

"OMG!"

 "Im so repulsed!" She hollered, then continued with the details.




"I asked him over and over about that ring on his finger." She hollered!




Ohhhhhh shit, so he was wearing a ring. Was she stuck on stupid? And you know I wanted to ask her to. But I just shook my head and kept right on listening. She was getting to the real story now. Truth always comes to the light.  Don't you know there is always a real story! Yep! She started in on the details.






"Yes," She continued, "He kept liking all my stuff on Facebook."

There we go with flirting on Facebook again. My thoughts started to wonder. Been there, done that and I'll NEVER do that one again as long as I'm Rae Clara Lewis-Thornton. FACT! Her loud voice brought me back to the right now.




"He said that the marriage was bad and that he was moving out and getting a divorce," she mumbled.



"Do men still really say that stupid shit?" I asked myself. Most importantly, do women still believe that stupid shit?





Now Life Coach Rae would have said, the moment you saw the ring was the moment you should have kept it moving.  He's married and even if he was getting a divorce, why would you want to be involved with someone who is still trying to close a door in another place?



 I've been there and believe me you don't even have a 1/4 of him and if there are children, you have even less. I've done it all and I am woman enough to speak out of my mistakes and my experiences. I share my growth so you can grow. Back to the story.



"Then he showed up one day without a ring," she explained to her friend on the other end.

"I asked him what happened to the ring?" 

Was she really that stuck on stupid?  You know I wanted to ask her, "Why didn't you leave him the fuck alone when you had a chance; before you gave him permission to touch you?" But I just sighed and continued to listen.




"He told me that he had moved out and that it was official," she told her friend.

"Yes," I heard her answering a question,

"I did ask him where he lived. And I was confused because I know that building and I know people who live there. But he assured me," she explained and then started venting again.

"OMG!"

 "I'm so repulsed!"

"I hate that I ever let him touch me!"

 "I don't want anything to do with him."

 "He just kept on pursuing me, just kept on!"

 "I hate him!"

"I hate him!" 





There I was.  I had come full circle in my bonding with this young woman somewhere between the age of 25-30. I wanted to take her to Starbucks and have a cup of tea, but there was nothing I could say to her on that day. She was not ready to hear the truth. She was not ready to accept her culpability in her pain on that day. 



The fact of the matter is that he was married and she knew it. He actually did tell her. It does not matter the story he created to explain his marriage away. The bottom line was, when she met him he was still living with his wife. That was her cue to walk away. Instead, she continued to play with fire and flirt with him on Facebook.








Then she had the nerve to say in her rage.






"His wife is never on Facebook."

"I can't believe she posted on his page."

I gave her the side eye from hell. Huh? That's her husband Facebook page. She has ALL the rights and privileges. She was letting his friends/ their friends know that he was getting ready to go into surgery. Why you mad?



" She must have felt something."

 So I commented on her post, just so he would KNOW that I KNOW that he's still married."

I wanted to say, "Baby you so confused."

The fact of the matter, she did KNOW that he was still married.  So now what was her point of disrespecting his wife? You mad cause why? You knew he was married!! 




So my question is, What is it about her, within her that she continued to flirt with this man that she knew was taken? Even if she believed that he was getting a divorce, when they met, he was still living at home with his wife. Why continue to flirt with him on Facebook. Whether she wants to accept it or not, she was disrespectful to his marriage and his wife with the continued back and fourth on Facebook. She was at fought before she ever had sex with him. She gave him permission to pursue her married.





The question is Why? What was going on in her head really? What justification did she give herself. Then, why would she even want him? He had unfinished business that would continue to altar their relationship. Why would she want to go in with this baggage?



Why didn't she just walk away and say, once you clean up your situation and is in a better place to give me all of you, look me up. What was her need that she allowed herself to go in deeper and deeper?



Even when his story wasn't adding up and she knew it wasn't adding, she continued to flirt with him. What was going on with her that she continued to pursue and be pursued? She continued to meet him for drinks and that eventually gave him permission to bed her.



I know for me, a man with attachments other than me, is not worth me because you can only have a part of him. Why should I give all of me and get a part of you? Now don't be confused, for you new comers to my blog, I'm not trying to be self-righteous. It took me a long time to get here. Like I said, I have done it all. It took me a long time to like me, then to love me, but I'm here now and there is no turing back. At the end of the day, I got to live with me and all of my actions; the things I do to myself and the thinks I allow to be done to me.





She has to deal with the fallout and face the truth. The truth that she knew all along, but justified it somewhere along the way.



For sure she has lost a part of herself that she can  never regain. That's the worst, when you give yourself to someone who doesn't deserve to have that part of you.



Now don't be confused. Of course he has culpability in this, but he is who he is. He wanted to fuck and did everything that was necessary to do just that.



He was a jackass from day one! That goes without saying. But to often we women, me included walk away hurt without accepting any responsibility. It takes two to tango!




 At he end of the day, she should have kept it moving. Now she has to work through the emotional baggage that could have been avoided in the first beginning. For sure, until she accepts her own culpability, she will never really heal. She was mad and hurt that day. My heart went out to her, for her own foolishness.  

Monday Reflection: God Don't Always Give Neat Blessings!

"Your Misery is your Ministry," the young man Elijah said from the pulpit on Sunday. I shot straight up! "You better say that," I shouted at him. Elijah, the speaker for our youth day at my church is a member who has been living with Sickle Cell Anemia. Diagnosed at 2 months old, he walked us through his journey.  He has been in and out of the hospitals his entire life, but he never gave up.



Might I add, neither did his mother or grandmother. That's why children must have some God fearing, God loving, faithful adults in their life. Half of the problem I think today in the African-American community is that we are now creating generations of unchurched. I remember when grandmama, at least was going to make sure that child was covered in the blood. Today, we have some unchurched grandmothers, with young girls having babies younger and younger.





Elijah was surrounded by Christians and introduced to God right early. It was this foundation that undergirded his journey.  There were times when he was hospitalized two-three weeks at a time, home for a couple of weeks and then back in the hospital for another two-three weeks. His junior year he was hospitalized up to six weeks and still maintained a 3.1 GPA. Shoot, I was hospitalized for twenty-three days a few years back and I thought that I had lost my mind, if I thought at all. Study? Are you kidding me, with nurses waking you up all hours of the night.









He talked about how his life has been filled with misery and while he continues to persevere, he came to a place where he questioned God, "Why me? Why can't I be a normal child with a normal life?"



In time, he came to realize that his misery was indeed a blessing to others. His testimony could, would and did bless another person. He encouraged us to keep our faith!



You talking about setting me straight, I got right straight with my attitude, which has been some kinda funky. might I add in the last month. He reminded us that God doesn't always bless us in a neat package. Sometimes we live with misery and out of our faithfulness, God blesses us in our misery. I knew that all along, but Elijah certainly reminded me to move beyond myself and continue to be a blessing even when I feel like a mess, even when I am a mess. The bible says, "God's strength is made perfect in your weakness." Clearly young Elijah reminded me of just that on yesterday. 









He's headed to Morehouse College in the fall. In fact, he was accepted on early admissions and this was his first choice. He certainly has the spirit and demeanor of a Morehouse Man! I thought about him long and hard when I came home from church yesterday. That's why I'm up at 5:00 am, I couldn't sleep with this freshness that was given to me by this young man. He reminded me that God's history in our lives should be reassurance for our future. When I tell you I needed to hear this, I needed to hear this.




On Saturday I was at a funeral of a long time member of West Point, 68 years she was a member of our church. I sat there and for a moment I started to think about death, my death. I started to think about the hard work I'm putting into RLT Collection trying to make it a super success. For a tiny moment I asked myself these questions, Is it in vain? Will I die right on the edge of success? Will I see 55 and how much hardship will I continue to have on this journey? How much more can I take?






Elijah brought me right back to myself on Sunday! It doesn't matter when I die or how hard it is in my right now. Life is a gift from God! God has given us a life to live and flourish and thrive, not just for ourselves but for the life of others. Your suffering may be a gift to someone's else journey. It may be the thing that gives them reason to live. Someone tweeted me once, "A friend of mind said, that if you can go on so could she." That hit me hard. People watch for my tweets, wait for me to say that the tea kettle is on. If I can find a reason to live and go on so can they. I've been told that on many occasions. Sometimes I get stuck.




Well, on yesterday, young Elijah inspired me and I got unstuck. If he can go on to Morehouse and then to medical school as planned, with Sickle Cell that keeps him in and out of the hospital, I can also continue to go on. I'm getting back to my life. Thank you Elijah! Thank you for reminding me to remember my History with God. Surely no matter how difficult my days have been in the pass, God continues to hold me up. Even in my misery there has been some goodness.






I leave you with this. We expect God to bless us in a neat little package. But that's not how it works. Remember the three Hebrew Boys? We always talk about how God delivered them from the fiery furnace. But no one talks about the fact they they were in captive down in Babylon. You can search the Old Testament all day long and you will never find that they were delivered out of bondage. 




The bible says that God lifted them up in their bondage and made them leaders in that strange land. I think it is so awesome that in your weakness God can shine the brightest. You may not get a neat blessing; but for sure, if you remain faithful, God will give you everything you need to make it through your fire and if you get burned, God will give you an ointment to sooth the pain.