Rae Lewis-Thornton's Blog, page 20

Clean Up The Nasty Within: A Better You In 2013!

The house that I grew up in was a world according to Mama. She made all the decisions those spoken and unspoken. But New Year's Eve she spoke loud and clear. In this house we bring the New Year in with a clean house and washed clothes . Often times I set about early getting the job done because I never wanted to give Mama a reason to either beat my ass or curse me out.



This tradition of cleaning before the New Year has stuck to me like Gorilla glue. Often times, especially in these later years I found myself trying to wash cloths when I'm sick. I could always hear Mama's voice, "If you bring out the new year nasty, you will live the new year nasty." Here I am a grown woman but my head still jacked up trying to meet a woman's approval who made her way out of the living, well over 8 years ago.





This new year eve as I sat on my sofa reading a book and drinking tea, two of my greatest pleasures, the little girl in me started to hear Mama's voice about dirty clothes. I started to play it over in my head and give it some serious thought. Was I really going to interrupt my long over due me time to carry out this tradition of Mama's? I then started to examine my life then and now.



My entire childhood was nasty and there wasn't enough bleach to clean up the meanness that Mama willed throughout the year. The order and cleanliness that was kept in our home was for everyone to see, but Mama's nasty was deeply rooted in her spirit and shinned bright in the dark spaces of our home.



Looking back I don't think that Mama always meant harm, this was just the only way she knew how to survive, live and thrive. Like to justify staying with the husband that was grabbing my beast, she deemed me the tempest whore. I was the light skin bitch that threaten her marriage, it was that conclusion or face the fact that her self-esteem was so low, that she sacrificed the safety of her daughter for a man to lay in her bed.





No matter how often I cleaned the exterior, I could never reach the interior of Mama. With this understanding I started to think about all those traditions that started so long ago in Mama's house and their impact on my life. Like Mama always cooked black eye peas for good luck but as long at the bottle of Christian Brothers was in the pantry, there was no luck in my cards no matter how big the pot of peas.



Then I started to think about all the resolutions people will be making this mouth and wondered how much of this will be on the surface with the layer of dirt so imbedded in the spirit it will take more then surface cleaning, just like Mama. You see, you can clean the cabinets of all the cookies and potato chips, but if you don't tackle the why food is your comfort your diet has already failed.





You can delete him/her from Facebook and Twitter, but if you don't love you more than having someone love you, you will be right back where you were with him/her, or with someone just like him/her.



If you spent your last dollar on a new outfit for the New Year Eve's party, you need to tackle your need to look good before you can make a budget and actually stick to it.



Often times the things we try to clean up are not the things we ought to clean up. And even the things we try to clean up are often times for others and not ourselves. Looking good on the outside will get you shadow praise, but if the inside is bankrupt then you only deepen your debt.





So before you delete that man from Facebook or Twitter ask yourself some deeper questions; like why were you with him in the first place; why did you stay so long; what makes him different from the last man you deleted from Facebook or Twitter; what did you give up to have a part of him and why; what was so important about having him that you were willing to sacrifice your self for as long as you did?



So before you hit the gym, ask yourself why am I really working out? And for that fact, all those resolutions you made, go down the list one by one and ask yourself, why? Why is this on my list? Why is this important to me? Are these the things that you think you should be doing because of some article you read, or it sounds good, or that people will approve, or are they things to help make you a better you for you because of you?





Most importantly, don't derail yourself. Be honest about what lingers from within. The Bible says, "As a Man thinketh  in his heart so is he." Your worth and greatness should lie within you for you. It has nothing to do with any one else. No man, no friend or mother. All your resolutions should stem from the depth of your greatness not the glitter of popularity.



For sure, unless you clean the demons that lay within, the smell of the nasty will seep to the surface and spoil all the work on you over and over again.



It's like sitting on the toilet pooping with the doors and windows shut. It stinks don't it? Yep! Often times when we get off the toilet, we go and get the air fresher and spray to hide the stench, but in reality, all you really did was mix it up together and now it's air fresher with a hit of poop. Air Fresher is surface spray that never touches the core of the smell. Don't let your life be like air fresher.



For sure all the air fresher in the world will not transform your life. It's not until you open the doors and  the windows and let the bad oxygen out, that the new can come in and transform that very spot. Start deeper! Clean up from within....





Post Script: By the way, I opted to continue reading my book until I made my way to church for the New Year Eve's service. I'm cleaning up Mama's demons that have been embedded in my spirit, one demon at a time!

What's Up With RLT Brands!!

Just a quick update on RLT Brands



RLT Collection is 20% off for the month of January;the entire collection of bracelets and tea balls.. The Coupon Code at checkout is NewYear2013



I am currently working on new designs for the Pearl Collection, For The Love of Black with Silver tones per request.. LOL and Tea Bracelets!  Click To Shop









I'm proud to announce that one of a kind designs from  RLT Collection can be purchased at Shell Ryes Designs.. An exclusive Antique, Jewelry and Interior Design Shop on Chicago's Gold Coast, 104 West Oak Street. Nothing from my website can be purchased at Shell Ryes. The designs are exclusive to her shop and are priced equal to what's on the website.







I'm currently accepting new Clients for Life Coaching! The areas are, Balance, Confidence, Dating and Relationship, from Mother to Divorce... Click Here to learn more and your First Free Consultation..











Set your Calenders! For The Month of February I'm S peaking at the following



Feb 5th Eastern Illinois University

Feb 7th-National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Florida State University

Feb 19th- Missouri State University





January is National Hot Tea Awareness Month! I will be giving away a tea ball from my collection every week so make a comment about your favorite tea or why you like tea on any of my Tea With Rae Blog Post! Also leave your twitter and facebook so I can reach you if you win.




The WINNER for last week Tea With Rae Raffle is Kisha Qualls!




If you have not purchased my latest Book, The Politics of Respectability . A new shipment just arrived... This is what one reader had to say about my book Click To Shop!




OMG, Rae! I just finished reading your book,and it is the truth! You are so strong and brave to open up about your pain,and you speak with such raw honesty about everything you've been through. Not many people have the courage to speak as bluntly as you do,but people can learn an extremely three important lessons: no matter what happens,do not quit,but fight; always trust in the Good Lord to get you through any storm; and no sexual pleasure without protection is worth your life. You deserve the Nobel Prize for your activism! God bless you, Rae!











I hope that you are putting some ACTION behind your dreams it's 2013 already!  I know I am! #GrowingRLTCollection #GrowingRLT

Friendship Should Not Hurt!

I blog a lot about relationships but not so much about friendships. For sure they can be as wonderful and toxic as a "relationship." I was thinking a lot about friendship because the girl in the apartment up over me was at it again. There is always some kind of drama and it typically begins in the we hours of the morning.



As I was walking Sophie this morning I started to give it a lot of thought. So at about 4:00 A. M. I was awaken out of my sleep by someone yelling and throwing things over me. Instantly, I said to myself, "Here she goes again." I took a deep breath and sighed then tried to go back to sleep. It was difficult because I could hear the one voice screaming, as things rolled across the floor; CRASH! BANG! BOOM! Then for a while it got quiet and I drafted back into sleep land. All of a sudden, I heard CRASH! BANG! BOOM! again. I looked at my phone, it was now 6:00 A. M. I dragged myself out of bed to go knock on her door. I was trying to be nice before I called the police. Next time, I will just call.





Anyway, as I made my way out of my apartment there was a young woman in tears sitting on the stairs between the second floor. She was a wreck! She had her coat and bag in her lap. She looked pathetic, sad and helpless.



She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, I just want to get my things and go." That's when I noticed that she was wearing one boot. "Why don't you just knock on her door and ask for your boot?" I suggested. She replied though tears, "She's crazy. She literally picked me up and threw me out of her house." I took a deep breath. Just as I was exhaling, I saw a police officer standing at the outside door. "Thank God," I mumbled.  I'm glad that someone had called. Clearly this was a messy mess that I could not handle. The girl jumbled up from the stairs and came down by me, scared she mumbled, "I don't want to get involved I just want to go home." I opened the door for the police officer and the first thing he asked, "Did you call?" "No, but I was gettin ready to," was my reply." He started to assess the situation.





The young lady was scared out of her wits. She tried to explain that all she wanted to do was go home. She wasn't making much sense to the officer so I explained what I had heard for the last two hours or so and her pattern in the past. He headed for my neighbors apartment and the girl came closer and closer to me. "How long have you known her?"I asked. "About a year," the trembling girl said.  "Has she ever done this before," I questioned? Trying to asses it all myself.



The girl began talking, We went out drinking and she asked me if I wanted to spend the night. It was late and I said yes. We were up there and she just started screaming and throwing things. I don't know what happened. She's crazy.



The second officer had made his way to the outer door and the girl came closer and closer to me. My impulse was to guard my door and Sophie who was in the bed looking at me. I closed my door and opened the outer door for the police officer. The girl started trembling, she couldn't talk and so I gave a mini review, the police officer took over and I closed my door.





When that police officer walked back out the building, I was so concerned about the girl that I opened my door again. The young lady was scared out of her wits. The other police office was still upstairs talking to the girl in the apartment. I could hear bit's and pieces of the conversation. She sounded all articulate, but it were clearly wrapped around some kind of mental illness. She sounded normal, but if you really listened closely, it was a bunch of articulate crap that wasn't making sense when you add it up. About a year ago, she had invited a friend to stay with her until she found an apartment, and it was the same thing every night. Clearly, she is the problem.



The Police office shut her door they stepped in and I could no longer here the conversation.  I was wondering what the Officer thought the moment he stepped into her apartment. She has been trowing things for almost 3 hours or so. In fact, I have no idea  how long the girl had been sitting on the stairs in the hallway, but when I found her there the girl in the apartment was still trowing things and screaming.





The young lady standing at my side spoke up, "I don't want to get involved. He took my drivers license," she mumbled." "It will be Ok," I tried to comfort her. "If I were you," I added my Aunite advice, "I would be done with her. This is not her first time behaving like this." The girl's eyes got big and she reached out and touched me as to say thank you, thank you for confirming that this is not about me.



"So it's not me?" She asked. "No dear heart I've seen it over and over again." I could see the big thank you in her eyes and she sighed in relief. "There's something wrong with her I added, I would be done if I were you." She spoke up in a hushed tone as trying not to anger the girl upstairs. "I'm a really nice person. All I want to do it bake cookies and be nice to people." I giggled to myself. Wanted to say much more but it was not my place. My role at that moment was comfort.



By that time, the police officer came down with her boot in his hand, shaking his head. "How long have you known her?" He than began asking her more questions about their friendship. It was clear to everyone that she was in over her head; that this girl was not the girl she thought she was.



A few minutes later, the girl up stairs walked out of her apartment and when she saw her friend standing there she hollered to the police officers, "She don't live on this premise, make her leave." They shook their head and told her to go back into her apartment. Then she wanted to know for how long? Like really?!



When she shut her door, the police went back to speaking with the girl. They asked about her well being and how she was going to get home, the first officer on the call, a fine brother might I add, offered to give her a ride home.





I said a prayer for her as the police officer escorted her out of my building. About five minutes later, the girl upstairs came out of the building walking her dog as if nothing had happened. As if she was just a regular Gold Cost Girl walking her dog. As if she hadn't terrorized the hell out of this girl for the last 3 hours.



I was so blown away by it all. We meet people and we really don't know who they are. All we really know is what they tell us and what we see. This goes for dating and non dating relationships. And what if, what they tell you, is a lie? How do you work your way out of their maze? And if God should fix it so you learn their truths, what do you do with them?





Do we rationalize friendships based on the good things, over and above the bad things? You do trade off some of your spirit to be a part of the "in" crowed; to have chic friends; to have a ride to the party; to not be lonely; to have someone pick up the check at dinner? The list can of why we stay in toxic friendships goes on and on.



As we move into a new year and a better you, I'm asking you to access your friendships.  Ask yourself these things: Does that person add value to my life? Do they take more than they give? Do they make you feel a certain kind of way at certain times? Are they always negative? Does everything add up or do you have that funny feeling about their life, the things said and the things you have seen. Are they really living the life that they preach?  Do you have arguments over things that don't even make sense?





In making your assessment I want you to remember: If they lie once, they will lie twice; if they throw you out of their car or apartment once, they will do it again; if they degrade you in front of people once, they will do it again; if they talk about other people to you, they will talk about you to other people; if you thought an issue was resolved and you still hear about it in the grapevine, they play in mess for fun.



 People are basically who they are unless they have had some real help over a long period of time. Change does not come quick and easy. Especially if their is some clinical mental illness that has not been diagnosed and even with those diagnosed. People stay in denial, and even family stay in denial and then change never comes. Sometimes, the change for that person is hard. Sometimes, they are not mentally ill they are instead, sociopaths that prey on people. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. Sometimes mental illness is an excuse for unhealthy behavior.





But what I knew for sure is this, their inability to change does not mean that a change cannot be within you. You should never be in a relationship where you feel less than. Self-Love should be your baseline. Everything stems from that place where you can be your best you. Never sacrifice your spirit for sub-standard love and nurture.



In all cases you must access your liability and your gain. The liability should never out weigh the gain.



Self-Love should be your parameter. If you feel a certain kind of way in your spirit when you are in contact with that person, you have to ask yourself honestly, is this feeling worth it?



Does this feeling destroy a part of my spirit each time I encounter them?  Friendship should never hurt. This morning I saw a wounded girl, a hurting girl. I pray that she will deal with this trauma and go on with her life. For sure, when someone shows, you who they are, you better believe them or each time you come back, they will hit you harder and harder.



With Self-Love as your guide, you can be a better you! Happy New Year! Here's to making you a better you in 2013!

Tea With Rae: The Making of a Tea Snob

Happy New Year Lovely's! January is National Hot Tea Month and I decided to pay homage to my favorite beverage for my first blog of the year! I started drinking tea with my biological mother who I met when I was 18 years old.



For about 5 months I lived with her and her husband in Boulder, Colorado. Her husband was a professor at a Colorado university and my mother, a recovering hereon addict and housewife. They lived a simple upper middle class life. Believe it or not, they didn't even own a television. Not because they couldn't afford one, but because books ruled their household.





My mother with a book and a cup of tea...

She and her husband were devout Buddhist, so the eastern ritual of tea was deeply ingrained in their home. Back then, their were no fancy teas just a good variety of black teas. Thus, my love for black tea.



Each evening we would grab a book and a cup of tea, descend on the living room and sip and read. It was a simple uncomplicated way for she and I to bond. Her life had been plagued by years of addiction and mine by years of abuse. Books and Tea became our spiritual connection. Very few words were spoken back then, but for sure this ritual spoke to our souls.





I learned something about myself and tea. My love for books was heighten and that deal was sealed. But tea was an experience all unto itself. It wasn't just drinking a beverage, each sip was a moment that consumed all of you. It was calming, soothing and even exhilarating all wrapped into one.



At the end of those five months she and her husband moved out of the country, I came back to Chicago to begin life on my own yet again, but for sure, I took the ritual of tea with me. Over the years I started experimenting with different teas. I learned that each tea flavor spoke to the moment that I was seeking. From a brisk black tea to jump start me in the morning to a chamomile to soothe and calm in the evening.



Just try it! Start in the evening after a long day and experience the pleasure that comes in a simple tea cup. Happy New Year! Happy Cuppa!







Tea Ball Give Away! I am giving away 5 of my handmade Tea Balls. One Tea Ball each week for the month of January. Special design! Leave a comment on any Tea with Rae post  this month on why you like tea or about your favorite tea and the best comments will win! The winner will be announced every Thursday!





Post Script: I will be blogging all month about tea and there after my weekly Tea Reviews will again be a permeant fixture on my blog. Hopefully I will get some tea give always from tea companies. But you have to show interest so they will say yes.. Always use my Hashtag #TeaWithRae when you tweet me about tea. Xoxoxo

Shaming Around HIV/AIDS is a MOTHERFUCKER!

I'm taking a break from work over the Holiday, but I felt in my spirit that I needed to address this before the year is out! The month of January on this blog will be about being your best you! So I needed to say this now because some shit I just don't want to take with me into 2013!



I am so bothered by the stigma and shaming around HIV/AIDS! It is an absolute MOTHERFUCKER! It is crazy that in 2013 someone can spread rumors and use the POSSIBILITY of someone having HIV/AIDS against them. It speaks loud and clear toward the attitudes that people have not only about this disease, but the people who have it. And I'm going on record, I will stomp that shit out every time it comes to me.



It came to me on yesterday A male friend who I have become friendly with, "talking," to, whatever you want to call it, told me that a family member of there's is spreading the rumor that he has HIV and that's the reason he wants to be with me.





Now this person is spreading this rumor to hurt both of us I'm sad to say. Now, I don't much really care because what I know for sure, whatsoever a person sows that shall they also reap. But I'm not so super saved that I can't see a situation or a person for what they are. A narcissistic, sociopath is just that and they spend most of their life trying as best as they can to wreck havoc over a persons life that they cannot control! That's a fact! I'm NOT CONTROLLABLE another FACT! 



So in this blog post, I'm not focused on that issue or that person. I'm just going to put her ass in a box and throw some Holy Oil her way and say a Prayer. When someone shows you who they are, you better believe that shit, or you deserve whatever they bring your way.





What I really want to unpack is this. Yes, on one level it's some wild, mean and crazy shit that a person would try to destroy another person by saying that they have AIDS, when in fact they do not. But it's an entirely other issue when a person can actually use that against someone. It says something about the person who is listening to the gossip. It speaks to small minds. The fact that HIV/ADS can be used against someone speaks to how people feel about HIV and the people who have it.



Now, If someone told me that a family member or someone I knew close to me had AIDS. First off, I would stop them in their messy shit right there! Especially if they bring it to me wrap around bullshit. Bullshit is what it is, and when you participate you stink up your life too.  For example, recently, I was talking to a mentee about this guy that was trying to,"talk" to her and as soon as she added the business of another woman in the equation, I STOPPED her. I said," I don't want to hear that shit, it's none of my business or yours."





Secondly, that's not your information to tell!  How dare you?



And how the fuck do you know? Have you seen an HIV test result? Have you been spying on them when and with whom they fuck? Are you assuming it because they like someone with HIV?



Or are you mad because the infected person don't want to fuck you? It's like the boy in high school that spreads the rumor that a girl is a whore, because she won't give them the time of day.



Thirdly, lets take it to the next level, I would say, so fuckin what? Why are you telling me this; so that WE can help them or is this information sharing to create messy shit? And why would you create messy shit for someone you claim that you love?



And why do YOU believe them? Because they are smart and nice? Well, all sociopaths are. Ted Bundy was a raising star in the Republican Party and was killing women for fun. That's what they do, live, excellent, high functioning lives, but try to control everything and everyone around them. Sometimes with gifts, other times with their mouth and quiet charm. Everything they do is about control, everything is about them, even when they are trying to say it's about you, every word out their mouth is for them. You can't see pass narcissistic, charm, but you can EXAMINE YOUR damn self!  



You need to check yourself! Why is this information juicy to me? What am I going to do with it and why?



The only conversation I MIGHT have  depending on how they bring it to me, is how are we going to help them? How are we going to support them and make life better for them? Not use it as a tool against them to keep shit going.





A person can only use HIV/AIDS against someone, if YOU feel a certain way about HIV and people with HIV. If you see HIV as ugly, rather than a health issue that needs support, then the information becomes  one of accusatory... Accusation....



The fact of the matter, accusatory and accusation mode is some uneducated, antiquated shit. We are 33 years into the AIDS pandemic. There have been so many medical advances around HIV/AIDS. There is so much knowledge, too much, for someone to still be operating in the ugly with HIV. Get the hell out of is a time capsule and advance your thinking with technology.





ME! See Fine!

A family member asked my friend would they actually have sex with me? And he said yes because he has EDUCATED himself on HIV/AIDS.



He knows that a latex condom used 100% of the time correctly prevents the spread of HIV.



Yes, because the chance is about 3% that an HIV infected person who takes their medication and who have a non-detectable viral load, (ALL of which I have) would infect that person, EVEN IF we DON'T use condoms.



Yes, because a non-infected person can actually take the newly approved Truvada and it would give even extra assurance of preventing a person from contracting HIV.





Me! See Fine!

Yes, because I'm an educated, beautiful, compassionate, loving, woman who loves God! Yes, because he does not live in the spirit of discrimination and judgment but God's love. 



Yes, because I have done more with my life these 30 years with HIV then some people without HIV.



Yes because I have 27 years of education, gifted, anointed, smart, with a wonderful spirit and fine ass shit.. Just look at my pictures if you are confused on that fact! With AIDS, I'm still a BAD BITCH! Don't be confused! Nor am I ashamed of who I am, what I have, or how I use my life to help others.



The shaming around HIV/AIDS is mad! The fact is, we are a few days from 2013, this is NOT 1994 when I first got married and people believed and gossiped that my ex-husband must have HIV because he married me. He did not have HIV and to assume that I should not be loved because I have HIV is some cold hearted shit or to assume that the only person who would want me is someone with HIV is some narrow minded shit.





NO make-up and still Fine!

SHAMING around HIV/AIDS is mad! This kind of narrow minded was also a fact,  interestingly, when I divorced my ex-husband 15 years ago. Women wanted to know why would I leave a man who was willing to marry me with AIDS, as to say, "You know you ain't gonna get anyone else."



Why?  Because his ass was cheating; because his ass had stop speaking and was spending MY money on women; because he wanted to push! My mama beat my ass ain't no man gonna do it! Simply stated, I am NEVER going to let HIV run my life to the extent that I make unhealthy choices for myself. AIDS had not killed me, I wasn't going to let my ex-husband kill me either. So I divorced him.



But don't be confused, finding a sexual partner has been the least of my problem. Men are willing to fuck me! I have even had men with girlfriends and wives want to fuck. Yep, finding someone to fuck me is the least of my problems. My problem is that single men don't want anyone to know they fucking me because of what YOU may think of them for wanting to be with me.  SHAMING around HIV/AIDS is mad! I actually honor my friend that sees me for  the wonderful woman that I am, and is NOT ashamed of me nor afraid of me because they live in an educated understanding of HIV/AIDS.





NO SHAME! 

And be CLEAR I decided about 10 years ago, if you can't walk with me in the park in the delight, you can't have no pussy in the dark! So if their was some shame, he would not have gotten pass the second conversation with me.



 I LOVE me more than having a man in my life at any cost! Bullshit ain't nothing.



This stigma and shaming around HIV has got to STOP! The fact that someone can even use HIV/AIDS as fuel against someone 33 years into this pandemic shows how far we have got to go! How do we call ourselves Christians and listen to gossip and then repeat that shit like you know it to be true. And then bring that madness to the person like the person who told you got some inside scoop on who they fuck and when. Child PLEASEEEEE



And for those who actually do have family and friends living with HIV/AIDS, why are you talking to everyone else about it but the person living with it? People need to get it together!  STOP the SHAMING! 










This Isolation has got to STOP! 

Stigma and shaming around HIV/AIDS is mad business and it creates an environment that keep BLACK folks with 52% of the HIV cases in the US and we are 12% of the population. It puts us in a position where we 


1) Don't get tested because of how we treat people living with HIV. Who would want to know their HIV status in a world where someone can use it against them?



2) We don't disclose our HIV status when we do know and that isolation leads to depression which leads to even more unhealthy behavior and or not taking care of themselves.



3) Because we don't get tested, we infect others. 38% of all new cases are people infected by people who did not know that they had HIV.



4) We don't get treated until we have already developed AIDS because we never got tested. Which means you can't benefit from early treatment and care. Fact; The earlier you know the longer you live!



5) And those who do know they are infected don't take there medication regularly and seek medication treatment because they don't want people seeing them take their medication or going into an AIDS clinic for why YOU may think of them!



Stigma and Shaming around HIV/AIDS has got to STOP! We are killing each other with our fucking mouths!!